In My Day And More ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! ================ >-->2 Hot Off The Shangy Press! :) This first hottieis from a forward from our friend Jo Ann. A truly inspirational story you are bound to love! Check it out here... ._ | | |L___, .' '. T unknown : * :_| '._.' L Ricochet The Surf Dog! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ricochet.html --- ...a tear jerker indeed! Thanks Jo Ann! This next Hot Tottie comes from a forward from our friend Pat DeE. This one took a little net detective work, but I was able to get down to the real story. And what a doozy it is too! Check it out here.. . .::. ::::. '::::. ':: .::' {} _, ___/__\_// (_\_ _/ -' `)(` jgs ~""~ Life's Little Oops 5! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops5.html --- ...Awww, such a beautiful car! Thanks Pat! ================================================================== .--. .--. The Right Pet / /\ ". _......_ ." /\ \ / / ` ` \ \ ( ( /' _ __ `\ ) ) A devout couple felt it \ /| /0} {0\\ |\ / important to own an equally ` | / \/// | ` devout pet. So, they went \ \ / \ / / shopping. At a kennel `\ \| .==. |/ /' specializing in this `\\.' \ / './/' particular breed, they jgs /`'._-^^-_.'`\ found a dog they liked. `""` When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home--devoutly. .-. That night they had friends over. They were so __| |__ proud of their new pet and his major skills, they [__ __] called the dog and showed off a little. The | | friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog | | was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as jgs | | well. This stopped the couple cold, as they '-' hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head. ==================================================================== +----------- Even More Bizarre July Holidays ------------+ July 21 is National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day July 22 is Ratcatcher's Day July 23 is National Vanilla Ice Cream Day July 24 is Amelia Earhart Day July 25 is Threading The Needle Day July 26 is All Or Nothing Day July 27 is Take Your Pants For A Walk Day July 28 is National Milk Chocolate Day July 29 is Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day July 30 is National Cheesecake Day July 31 is Parent's Day =============================================================== >-->From Our Friend Sandi :) .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-"-. .-. .--. .-. .--. < | < | < | | | | | | | | | | |()| / | | | ) | ) | ) | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | )()| )()| )()| |o| | | | | | | | | | | | |()| )()| )()| )()| |o| | | | | | | | | | | | |()| <___| <___| <___| |\| | | | | | | | | | | | |__| } | || | = | | | | | `-|-' | | | | | | | L } | || | = | | | | | /A\ | | | | | | | J } | || | = | |/ | | |H| | | | | | | | L } | || | = | | | |H| | | _|__|_ | | | J } | || | = | | | |H| | | | | | | | | A L } | || | = | | | \V/ | | | | | \ | | H J } | FF | = | | | " | | | \ | ,Y | H A L } | LL | = | _F J_ _F J_ \ `--| | | H H J } | LL | \| / \ / \ `.___| | | H H A L } | \\ | J L | _ _ | | | H H U J } | \\| J F | | | | | | / | U ".-' } | \| \ / | | | | | | .-.-.-.-/ |_.-' \| `-._.-' | | | | | | ( (-(-(-( ) `-' `-' `-' `-`-`-`-' >Blonde Cookbook It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.. I can't say it improved the rice any. Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.. I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom . If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose. --- ( ) ( ___...(-------)-....___ .-"" ) ( ""-. .-'``'|-._ ) _.-| / .--.| `""---...........---""` | / / | | | | | | \ \ | | `\ `\ | | `\ `| | _/ /\ / (__/ \ / _..---""` \ /`""---.._ .-' \ / '-. : `-.__ __.-' : : ) ""---...---"" ( : '._ `"--...___...--"` _.' jgs \""--..__ __..--""/ '._ """----.....______.....----""" _.' `""--..,,_____ _____,,..--""` `"""----"""` Another blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! 'I've won a motorhome!' The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch!' But the blonde keeps on screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!' Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize. The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!' And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads... (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !) "W I N A B A G E L" --- ...Oh Boy! LOL! Thanks Sandi! -<>- >Can you answer this riddle? Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end. Paul Harvey Writes: ----We interrupt this little forward - this is a mystery check out why here... http://www.snopes.com/glurge/wishfor.asp Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them. RIDDLE: When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors. What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die? Send this to 10 people and then press shift and you will get the answer. P.S. You won't believe this, but this will give you the answer to the riddle. Send this to others and then press shift, after you send. Once you press your shift key, you will understand the riddle --- ...HaHa! Very Funny! Thaks Sandi! ================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Del :) [POLITICS} .-''-. / , \ .-'`(o) ; '-==. | `._...-;-. )--""" `-. / . `-. / / `. `-. | \ ; \ `-._________ | \ `.`.; -------`. \ `-. \\\\ `---...| `. `-. ```\.--'._ `---...| `-.....7`-.))\ `-._`-.. / `._\ / `-` `-.,' / / /=(_ -./--' ` hjw ,^-(_ ,--' ` >The Blue Pigeon. The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away? Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went? Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon? Nooooooo! This will get a smile out of you! The mayor asked: 'Do you have a blue Illegal Mexican?' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * --- ...TeeHee! Oh, that's bad! Thanks Del! ================================================================= >-->From Our Friend Pat DeE :) (.,------...__ _.'" `. .' .' `, `. `. ` . .' .'/''--...__`. \ . .--.`. ' "-. '. | '' .' _.' .()) .--":/ ''( \_\ ' (()( ''._' ( \ ' ' `. `--' ' `.: . `-.___.' ' `. . _ _ .' ) .____.-' .'`. (--.. .' \ /\ / / `. .' \( \ /|/ `. .' \__/ `. / | o | \ | | | jro >Heeeere's Johnny! (edited) The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'Darn Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right!!! Now who said that!?' Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little squirt. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh crap, we're in trouble!' Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008." --- ...LOL! All too true!! Thanks Pat! -<>- >I Think You Qualify ^ ,' \ L""/ ` | J | J L | | . , | |.`v_L.' // ,>-(-\'_ \`' \ - /-. / /`""| ),' `- ( ,-' \ ) ,' ,' h / / / `)--.. \/ / \ <) < , L<' F/ _/ ,' L ,-' \ | ___L / ( F J ___,' L | ,' | F ,' | (_,--..__ mt-2|_ ,' `"`--.._\ ,' / \ / (_ (diddled by b'ger} TRUE AMERICAN It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only it isn't seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to Live YOUR LIFE! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Y'all know who they are... You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.' You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.' You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the U S A ! Amen AND YOU ARE A TRUE AMERICAN, IF YOU THINK THE NATIONAL ANTHEM SHOULD ONLY BE SUNG IN ENGLISH! --- ...Another goodie! Thanks Pat! -<>- >ObamaCare [unfortunately - not a joke!] ___________ \ / )_______( |"""""""|_.-._,.---------.,_.-._ | | | | | | ''-. | |_| |_ _| |_..-' |_______| '-' `'---------'` '-' )"""""""( /_________\ `'-------'` .-------------. jgs/_______________\ 2011 W-2 Tax Forms and Obamacare If this doesn't get to you, then check your pulse. You may be a flat line... Should you want to verify this, go to http://www.thomas.gov/, enter "HR 3590" in the search box , click the Bill Number Radio Button and look for "CRS Summaries." http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d111:HR03590:@@@D&summ2=m& This is what you'll find. Title IX Revenue Provisions—Subtitle A: Revenue Offset "(Sec. 9002) Requires employers to include in the W-2 form of each employee the aggregate cost of applicable employer-sponsored group health coverage that is excludable from the employee's gross income (excluding the value of contributions to flexible spending arrangements)." Starting in 2011—next year—the W-2 tax form sent by your employer will be increased to show the value of whatever health insurance you are provided. It doesn't matter if you're retired. Your gross income WILL go up by the amount of insurance your employer paid for. So you’ll be required to pay taxes on a larger sum of money that you actually received. Take the tax form you just finished for 2009 and see what $15,000.00 or $20,000.00 additional gross income does to your tax debt. That's what you'll pay next year. For many it puts you into a much higher bracket. This is how the government is going to buy insurance for fifteen (15) percent that don't have insurance and it's only part of the tax increases, but it's not really a "tax increase" as such, it a redefinition of your taxable income. Also, go to Kiplinger's and read about the thirteen (13) tax changes for 2010 that could affect you. http://tinyurl.com/yk5xeqp Why am I sending you this? The same reason I hope you forward this to every single person in your address book. People have the right to know the truth because an election is coming in November. So vote intelligently, based on your values. But also adjust your tax withholding, or increase your savings, so that you aren't surprised and put in a jam when your federal income taxes are due on April 15, 2012. Fight organized crime! Re-elect no one. “When injustice becomes law, Resistance becomes duty” ...Thomas Jefferson --- ...Very Interesting reading! Thank You Pat! ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend GloriaB :) She sent us a forward that has many aspects to it so I've decided to let you see all of them here... _ _.-'`-._ _ ;.'________'.; _________n.[____________].n_________ |""_""_""_""||==||==||==||""_""_""_""] |"""""""""""||..||..||..||"""""""""""| |LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI| |.. .. .. ..||..||..||..||.. .. .. ..| |LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI| ,,;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;,;;;,;;;,;;,, ;;jgs;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; National Capital http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/capital.asp --- ...Lots of interesting reading here! Thanks Gloria =============================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: >From Grassfire: Citizen Petition In Support Of Reasonable Immigration Enforcement: + + "We Stand With Arizona Project" - Petition: http://www.grassfire.net/r.asp?u=29756&RID=24019851 >From Patriot News: Foreign Troops Train to Confiscate Guns of US Citizens http://tinyurl.com/3x9p52m >From WorldNet Daily: What?! FBI weblinks promote Ayers, Peltier Plus... New Ad Exposes Ground Zero Mosque Outrage Where we weep, they smile and so, they intend to build a shrine at Ground Zero. Read it all here: http://www.wnd.com/?pageId=179489 >From BizarreNews: What is it with Ohio? A lot of weird stuff seems to happen there. You might not know this, but Ohio is the birthplace of an inordinate number of aviation pioneers. Orville and Wilbur Wright were from Ohio. They successfully demonstrated the world's first airplane in 1903 (in case you missed all four years of high school). John Glenn, the first American in space, was from Ohio. Ever hear of a guy named Neil Armstrong? Ohio. In fact, literally dozens of American astronauts have come from Ohio. But that is just bizarre coincidence. Ohio has a much more evil side. Regular readers will remember an issue of Bizarre News from a couple weeks ago where I mentioned a recent court case in Ohio which ruled that a trained traffic police officer no longer has to prove a motorist was speeding using radar. All he (or she) has to do is judge (that is guess) that you were speeding and he can give you a ticket. That defendant took his case all the way to the Ohio Supreme Court to finally get it shot down. Now a new bit of Ohio underhandedness has come to the public's eye. Selling your personal information. If someone were to take your name, address, driver's license number and various other personal information and sell it to someone else, you would have a very good case for identity theft. However, this is exactly what the state of Ohio is doing. And for the whopping price of .0014 cents per record. Ohio has collected millions of dollars selling records with this information, often including social security numbers, so it can be used in all sorts of ways, from crafting insurance policies to screening job candidates. Since 2005, the Bureau of Motor Vehicles has sold more than 1.39 billion records. And apparently it is all perfectly legal. It's no wonder all of those astronauts were trying to get as far away from Ohio as possible! -- Alleged tweezer thief gets plucked ------------ GIG HARBOR, Wash. - Authorities in Washington state said a man facing theft and assault charges told deputies he did not need the tweezers he allegedly tried to steal. Pierce County sheriff's deputies said Troy Montgomery, 48, walked into a pharmacy Friday in Gig Harbor and placed a pair of the store's tweezers in his pocket, The (Tacoma) News Tribune reported Thursday. Montgomery threw the tweezers and tried to leave when a store employee confronted him and said she was calling police. Deputies said Montgomery shoved a pharmacist, who was blocking the door, causing the man to fall to the ground and incur a 3-inch cut to his arm. Deputies said the suspect was detained by custom- ers until they arrived. Montgomery was asked whether he wanted to answer questions about the incident. "Not really," Montgomery told deputies. "Besides being stupid, I don't even need the thing, about the dumbest thing I ever did." He was arrested and charged with third-degree theft and third-degree assault. -- Junk mail quickly fills senior's home ---------- FORT WORTH, Texas - A Texas woman said her father receives so much junk mail that his house is full of letters and on a recent day he received 96 pieces of mail. The Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported the Fort Worth woman and her 81-year- old father, whose names were not released by the newspaper, said the man's house is littered with junk mail, including a 3 1/2-foot pile of letters on his breakfast table. The woman said her father, who received 96 pieces of junk mail Monday alone, gives about $2,500 a year to various charities and began receiving junk mail in amounts too large to fit through his mail slot about a year ago. The daughter said she has been mailing the companies to ask them to take her father off their mailing lists, but the process has been slow. "How many others is this happening to?" the daughter asked. "This isn't right. Our seniors shouldn't be treated this way." -- Canadian firefighters drink rescued beer --------- OLIVER, British Columbia - Volunteer firefighters in a Canadian town found themselves in hot water for quenching their thirst with beer they rescued from a fire they extinguished. The Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported Tuesday the entire fire department in Oliver, British Columbia -- more than 30 members -- were suspended for two weeks after it was determined they drank at least one of the six beer kegs they removed from a burning hotel in May. Initially, just two volunteer firefighters were suspended and the chief took a leave of absence. But Mayor Pat Hampson said a closer look revealed a wider problem. "The fire department approached us and said, 'Look, we've made a stupid mistake here, and we feel we should all take responsibility for it, even the members who aren't at the incident,' just to show solidarity amongst them- selves," he said. The suspensions will be staggered, so to speak, so the town isn't left without fire protection. ============================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs; ,-----. W/,-. ,-.\W ()>a a<() (.--(_)--.) ,'/.-'\_/`-.\`. ,' / `-' \ `. / \ / \ / `. ,' \ / / `-._.-' \ \ ,-`-._/| |=|o |\_.-< <,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \ `-)| |// _ \\| )/ || |' | `| || | | | || ( )|( ) || | | | || | | | || |_.--.|.--._| || /'""| |""`\ [] `===' `===' hjw The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below. Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. First Runner-Up: In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. And the winner: In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes. In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys. Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight. -<>- During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number. Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left- hand corner. -<>- ______ .-' . . .'-. / ' \ ' \ | ' \ ' | | : () : | | . . | \ . . . . / `-.______.-' )( / \ / ?? \ (weight) ___)____(___ jgs [____________] A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife said peeking at the card, "and it has your weight wrong, too." -<>- A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking himself a bride. "Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who's a gonna love you like a Momma? Who's a gonna starch-a you socks? Who's a gonna make-a you lasagna?" "Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "And why are you talking like that? We aren't even Italian." -<>- "NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly." The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!" [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] -<>- ____________________ | | | PSYCHIATRIC | | HELP | |____________________| || ,-..'``. || || (,-..'`. ) || || )-c - `)\ || ,.,._.-.,_,.,-||,.(`.-- ,`',.-,_,||.-.,.,-,._. ___||____,`,'--._______|| |`._||______`'__________|| | || __ || | || |.-' ,|- || _,_,,..-,_| || ._)) `|- ||,.,_,_.-.,_ . `._||__________________|| ____ . . . . . <.____`> .SSt . . . . . _.()`'()`' . "I had the strangest dream last night," a young man told his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream." The psychiatrist was silent for a minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?" -<>- A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks. "May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter. "It's going to be a barbecue." "Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue," "Not really; I live on the 12th floor, you see." ============================================================= >-->From JokeCentral: |~~ /\ .--C`) |~ // \\ |~ , , ( \| o/| /// [] \\\ _o) ,---/V o^ f\. o/ ___ ']\-'}[J K | | | K| ')>~'>) K V(|~ K\,(o)~~ kg >Camping Guidelines A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato, baked in the coals for one hour, makes an excellent side dish. A potato, baked in the coals for three hours, makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. The guitar of the noisy teenager, at the next campsite, makes excellent kindling. The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road, behind a large motor home. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites, on either, side vacant. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. -<>- . .. __..---/______//-----. (( ) .".--.```| - /.--. =: ( VROOM! )) (.: {} :__L______: {} :__; __--( __- -_= ) *--* *--* jnh >Ali G's Driving Tips I as been driving since I was 12, but recently me decided to get a real driving lisence. However, when I went for a lesson, this ponce sat in me car and tried to make me drive like a batty man. Don't worrie, I gave im a one inch punch like Bruse Lee, but because of this, I as decided to pass on me driving knowlage to all ya massive for free. Read through me tips and than you is ready for even long trips (like down to McDonalds). Wicked. Tip 1 - Make sure your car is safe. You is gonna lose marks if ya car is a wreck. May I suggest you get an MOT first (me mate Dave will sell ya one for 20 squids - just tell im Ali said). Also, make sure all 8 of ya speakers is workin' at there best (be carefull that the clutch pedel don't damage that 20" bass bin). Tinted windows and UV lights may also win you marks wid de instructer. Tip 2 - Make sure its safe for you to drive. Its a well known fact that if you is a woman (thats 1 in 2 people in the UK), you will not be able to drive. Batty men shouldn't drive either. Tip 3 - Drinking and Driving. You should never drink drive (not even if its rainin'). You could 'it a bump an' spill ya drink - Aye. No, me is messin', don't do it. Tip 4 - Listen for your Instructor. If you can hear your instructer shouting at you, then your music aint loud enough you is probably listening to the wrong music, may I suggest Drum and Bass. Tip 5 - Use the proper equipment. When your instructer asks you to start the car, remember that you is supposed to use the proper key, not a screwdriver. Tip 6 - Changing Gears. This is an important part of drivin' and I hope you is payin' attention. There are two main gears you will use, thats 4 and 5. I suggest using 5th in residental areas, and 4th if you is driving on a field or somthin'. Tip 7 - Breaking and Corners. Breaking and corners 'ave alot in common. You need to be usin' the handbreak for both. Tip 8 - Correct Signalling. Remember that the horn and headlights aint just for gettin' the attention of that biatch wid de short skirt. They is best used to cuss other drivers if they is goin' too slow (ie 90 mph). Tip 9 - Advanced warning signs and Speed limits. I aint sure what these things are. You can make about £30 stealing them though. AYE! Tip 10 - Dat's it, you is now a safe driver. You will be able to spend hours sat in the carpark at MFI wid da Drum and Bass pumpin out. Keep it safe, keep it real... respect. Wicked! -<>- A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight." -<>- >Redneck quickies 24 You might be a redneck if... You've ever hitchhiked naked, ,/ \. |( )| \`-._:,\ /.;_,-'/ `.\_`\')(`/'_/,' )/`.,'\( |. ,| :6) (6; \`\ _(\ \._'; `.___...---..________...------._ \ | ,' . . . . .`:. \`.' . . . . . . . \\ `. . . \ . . ..::: . :: \ . . . ..::::::::'' ': . || \ `. :. .:' \ '. . ;; `._ \ ::: ; _,\ :. |/( `.`::: /--....---''' \ `. :. :`\` | |:': \ `. :.\ | |' ; \ (\ .\ | |.: \ \`. : |.| | ) / :.| | |.| /./ | | |.| | / / | | | | | /./ |.| ;_;_; ,'_/ ;_| '-/_( '--' /,' SSt You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine." The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. You take a fishing pole to Sea World. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. You list your parole officer as a reference. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. ============================================================= >-->From AndyChap: ** Too much caution is bad for you. By avoiding things you fear, you may let yourself in for unhappy consequences. It is usually wiser to stand up to a scary-seeming experience and walk right into it, risking the bruises as hard knocks. You are likely to find it is not as tough as you had thought. Or you may find it plenty tough, but also discover you have what it takes to handle it. ~~~- Norman Vincent Peale, Minister and Author ** ** Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great, make you feel that you too can become great. ~~~- Mark Twain, Author ** -<>- ** He's Got Furniture Disease ** Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers." ++++++++++++++++++++++++ ___ ___ '::|_|_| '::|_|_|'.:|_|_| '.:|_|_| _,,--~~|~~--,,_ /` | `\ | 7 _( ___ |.|\|:-)|__ |'| |___| / |_| /:::\ ~ David Riley ** IS WINDOWS A VIRUS? ** No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug. +++++++++++++++++++++++++ ... `. .. `. `. `. ___`.\.// `---.--- / \.-- / \- | /\ \ |\==/\==/ | | `@'`@' .--. .--------. ) .' . `._/ / | \ . / | | / | | .' | .--. .'`. .'_ | / \ .' `.__.--'.--`. / .' | .' .| \\ |_/ | .' .' | \\ | .-`. / | . __ | .' `. \ | ` .' ) \ / \ / \ | .-' / | ( / \ / \ | | | \/ ( \/ | | ( / ) / / _.----| \/ // / .' |.-' ` ( /( / / / `. | `.( `-') .---. | `. `._/ `._.' / `. .---. | . `._.' | \ / `. \ `.___.' | Y `. `.___.' | . | \ \ | `| \ | | | . \ | | | \ \ | .--. | \ | / `. .----. \ / / \/ \ \ / | | \ | / \ | @ \ `-. \ / \ \ \ \|.__.' \ \ \ | \ \ \ | \ \ \ | \ .'`. \ | `.-' `. _.'\ | | `.-' || . \ . `. || .' `. `-.-' `.__.' .' `. .' . .' `. .-' .-' ** How To Get A Weekend Pass... For Military ** A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off." When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "Me." said the soldier simply. (GROANER FOR SURE) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Chat Room Information "IS NOT" For Hospitals ** I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Sunday School Lesson For Today ** ________ _jgN########Ngg_ _N##N@@"" ""9NN##Np_ d###P N####p "^^" T#### d###P _g###@F _gN##@P gN###F" d###F 0###F 0###F 0###F "NN@' ___ q###r "" One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Men Have PMS Every 28 Days ** Have you ever noticed that about every 28 days or so, your husband begins acting strangely? Does he wear white gloves and carry a banjo? Does he insist on referring to you as "Mr. Bones" and your neighborhood as "Dixie"? Then, my friend, your husband may be suffering from an incurable--but treatable--disease. Do not hesitate. Call your doctor immediately. Pre-Minstrel Syndrome can be treated effectively--ask your doctor. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** We Know You're a Teacher If... ** (From Andy's Archives) * You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!" * You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as 'the lounge' . * You're sure the lounge should be equipped with a valium salt lick. * You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form. * You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside. * You convinced chocolate is the 5th food group. * When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group. * When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. * You think people should be able to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. * You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!" * You smile weakly, but secretly fantasize about choking a person when they say, "Oh, you must have such fun everyday. It must be like playtime for you." * Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this child like this?" +++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** More From Sunday School ** ________ _jgN########Ngg_ _N##N@@"" ""9NN##Np_ d###P N####p "^^" T#### d###P _g###@F _gN##@P gN###F" d###F 0###F 0###F 0###F "NN@' ___ q###r "" A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Who Told You About Us ** Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Kids On Marriage ** .::\)`:`, .:;\/~`\``;) ,.~-----, ;;==`_ ~:;( ,,~{*}\~~--,.`. ;:== 6 6;;) ,(((((({*});~~. .\ ;;C } )' (('`)))~({*}) . \ .\ :;` `--'; >6 6`({*}))) . \~~ | `____/ ( { ))())) . .`, ____._| |_____. `--' (((())) . | / \ \__ _| | \ `-- )))))) . .| | ) \/\/\_{@} | ,-| ((((((( . | | \_ \ \ | / | / | / ))))))) .| | |\ : \ |/ | Y | (/*@@*( ' ` ) . | \ \ \_\/_/ | | / */ \ \'/ /. | \ \ |o | | \. \ |'@'| .| \ \ | ; ,'--,.,.,., \ ~*@*~. . | \ \_________._--`((,:{@}.:))_\ |~@~| . | \ ' | ((,{@}:{@}.))-----' ;/\ (, \._____________`-__((;,{@},:))_________/|{ | . ; | | | `';{@},) /`-----'\ |. | | .__/\__ | `{@};,; / / | \ \ \/ .| | / :; \ | `(@))\ / \. . | | /! | \| ';; ))_/`-'/`_`., \. | | | ! | | ';(( | | ! `_ \ .| | | ! | | )) | | ! |.\_| | ** HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY ** You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10 ** WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? ** Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6 ** HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? ** You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8 ** WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? ** Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8 ** WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? ** Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10 ** WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? ** I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9 * WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? ** When they're rich. --Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8 ** IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? ** I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9 ** HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? ** There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8 "And the #1 Favorite is........" ** HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? ** Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10 ================================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) The Last Day http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/lastday.html The Bible http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/thebible.html Garbage Truck Camping http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/garbage.html Junkyard Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/junkart.html Human Chameleon http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chameleon.html Mountain Biking http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mountainbiking.html Rarely Seen Babies http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/babyanimals.html Taking A Catnap 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catnap2.html Free Sqirlz Morph 2.1 download http://download.cnet.com/Sqirlz-Morph/3000-2186_4-10304209.html -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) resort city of Gagra http://tinyurl.com/35mrgz7 from the past that never were ( interesting ) http://tinyurl.com/2etjtcp water helps us lose weight http://tinyurl.com/2axvq2r LegalSounds.com http://www.legalsounds.com/ --- ..Great Links! Thanks Wesley! -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: CCR Lorraine http://www.buffaloschips.com/1236.htm Cell Phone http://www.buffaloschips.com/1237.htm Chick Em http://www.buffaloschips.com/1238.htm Child Proof Drawer http://www.buffaloschips.com/1239.htm Children Fire Alarms http://www.buffaloschips.com/12310.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ================================================================ >-->Thoughts & Thunkers: "I had an accident on an alpine slide. If you've never been on an alpine slide, it's like a waterslide without the water. Until my accident, then it became like a waterslide." -Craig Ferguson "Mel Gibson was heard on an audio tape screaming obscenities at his girlfriend. In Hollywood, they say there's no such thing as bad press. Well, now, I think there is." -David Letterman "Pennsylvania is coming out with wine vending machines. They say it's the perfect way to tell your date, 'I totally forgot this was tonight.'" -Jimmy Fallon "It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names. They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!" "For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter "Growing up, my Mom always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window. If she REALLY felt bad, though, she'd have moved the bird feeder outside." --Rich Johnson A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. "Women only have two complaints. Nothing to wear, and not enough closet space for it." >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Pass this on as it should be of interrest to all who served. The study was carried out in Austrialia on their Vietnam Veterans. ABC Nat. Radio Health Report Autralian Vietnam Vets: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/HealthReportVV.mp3 VV ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************