In like a Lion ... :) Shangy! ...Around here, March came in like a L I O N ,w. ,YWMMw ,M , _.---.._ __..---._.'MMMMMw,wMWmW, _.-"" """ YP"WMMMMMMMMMb, .-' __.' .' MMMMW^WMMMM; _, .'.-'"; `, /` .--"" :MMM[==MWMW^; ,mM^" ,-'.' / ; ; / , MMMMb_wMW" @\ ,MM:. .'.-' .' ; `\ ; `, MMMMMMMW `"=./`-, WMMm__,-'.' / _.\ F"""-+,, ;_,_.dMMMMMMMM[,_ / `=_} "^MP__.-' ,-' _.--"" `-, ; \ ; ;MMMMMMMMMMW^``; __| / .' ; ; ) )`{ \ `"^W^`, \ : / .' / ( .' / Ww._ `. `" / Y, `, `-,=,_{ ; MMMP`""-, `-._.-, fsc (--, ) `,_ / `) \/"") ^" `-, -;"\: `""" `""" `"' `---" Those of us who survived it, can now breath a big sigh of relief knowing _,._ __.' _) <_,)'.-"a\ /' ( \ _.-----..,-' (`"--^ that it will go out // | (| `; , | \ ;.----/ ,/ ) // / | |\ \ jgs \ \\`\ | |/ / \ \\ \ | |\/ like a lamb. Praise God! While we are sighing we might as well be smiling! We've got lots to share so without further ado, here comes the Jokes & S M I L E S! ---------------------------------------- >-->From TheFunnyBone: \\///// |6 6| ( _\ | Big John Doesn't Pay! | = | |\___/ ___/| |__ One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus /` | '----' |`\ garage, started his bus, and drove off along / | | \ the route. No problems for the first few /~% | ; \ stops. A few people got on, a few got off, / /\/ |`\ \ and things went generally well. \ \ | | / / `\ \| |/ /` At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a `\; |/` guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a (| |) wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. |_________| He glared at the driver and said, "Big John | | | doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. | | | |____|__| Did I mention that the driver was five feet \ | | three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he | ) ) was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big / | | John, but he wasn't happy about it. |___|__| \===|==| The next day the same thing happened. Big / `-.`-. John got on again, made a show of refusing jgs \______)__) to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. .----------------. Finally he could stand it no |_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I]___ longer. He signed up for body .::. | _ : ; _ ) building courses, karate, jgs ':::'' ='-(_)----------=-(_)-' judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass." ======================================================================= +-------------------- Bizarre Holidays --------------------+ March March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day March 2 is Old Stuff Day March 3 is I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and National Anthem Day March 4 is Holy Experiment Day March 5 is Multiple Personalities Day March 6 is National Frozen Food Day March 7 is National Crown Roast Of Pork Day March 8 is Be Nasty Day March 9 is Panic Day For the rest of the list, go to http://www.bizarrenews.com ====================================================================== >-->From our Friend John-Paul :) >COMMENTS On 'Where Is God?" A little bit of wisdom: (1) JESUS took the Keys of Death and Hell from The Devil when He went into the Hell for 3 days after His death. (2)It is written, we each have a measure of Faith-- We can shorten or lengthen our lives by our own actions (where we go , what we eat, And how we live. (3) JESUS made a statement: There is nothing imposable with GOD (so if God cannot do something, any thing, God would not be GOD, He would answer to some one else in order for HIM to do it). He can do any thing HE choses to do at any time after all , every thing belongs to HIM. (4) Think about it: We have ask HIM to leave our Schools, our justice systems, our Government, and now we want to remove Him from our money and even Christmas, but expect HIm to come running with help every time things go wrong. PLEASE! (5) Oh yes, the latest insult: we now invite a group of people, to come live among us, who climes to follow God by strapping bombs to them selves and blowing us up, and if they should kill one of us they go to Heaven, and receive 70 virgins as a reward. Who knowes what the poor woman of this Cult`s reward is. (6)God tell us, return to our first LOVE, and renew our first works again-- Or repent of our disobedient (breaking HIS Laws) SIN!----- If we want HIM to Hear and help us in time of need and trouble--- We Must Follow HIS Plan, not one we have watered down to suit us, and the so call, changing times, or New Order. (7) Finally, GOD DOES NOT COMPROMISE, NOR CHANGE . Every thing He is and will be is TRUTH, AND LOVE. It is up to us to decide the course our lives will take. He has given us a `Free Will` to chose ---HEAVEN OR HELL! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ As For Me And My House: we will follow God~~~~Always- John-Paul ...AMEN! -<>- ~Our Guardian Angel~ . , )). -===- ,(( ))). ,((( ))))). .:::. ,(((((( ))))))))). :. .: ,((((((((' `))))))))))). : - : ,(((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))_:' ':_(((((((((((((((' `)))))))))))).-' \___/ '-._((((((((((( `))))_._.-' __)( )(_ '-._._((((' `))'---)___)))'\_ _/'((((__(---'((' `))))))))))))|' '|((((((((((((' jim `)))))))))/' '\(((((((((' `)))))))| |(((((((' `))))))| |((((((' /' '\ /' '\ /' '\ /' '\ '---..___..---' We each have a Guardian Angel. Blessed by the peace she brings And although we cannot see her, We feel the brush of wings. No Heavenly clash of thunder, Nor visions of golden throne, Just the faithful certitude that we are not alone. She brings us light in darkness, Gives calm in time of fear; Hope lives in the knowing, That she is always near. Compassion for our tears, Comfort with each nod; Her mission is no twist of fate--- SHE is a GIFT from GOD! John-Paul To My home pages: ~ http://www.geocities.com/jpw1936/index.html ~ Included Pages of poetry:~ http://www.geocities.com/jpw1936/poetrypages.html --------------- ...Most Beautiful and well said. Thank you John-Paul! ================================================================= >-->A Classic from our Friend Bob :) Creation NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE !!! In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. Then God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. ---------- ,;;. ,' '''-,-. __ \,, > / _ ' \ `./-' `. ' (_._ ,(--) `| ' /` } `----' ( | | ) || |`. | '_I |_|__| ' c'c' |)|) |'|' ,_'_'_\ jv ... And all this went down in the Book of Pounds for all to watch and be careful of. The desciples of this book were called weight-watchers and so it was and so it has been and it is good ... LOL! -<>- >A classic Touche' Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home & ate in two minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. (((If there is something you dont like in the relationship get it off your chest.))) You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want love anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.... whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving to West Va., together! Have a great life alone! <><><><> My Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you & I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50. from me that morning & your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me So take care. Signed: Rich As Heaven, Free & Alone for the MOMENT!!! ... And NOW for the SLAM...DUNK ... -| -' | -' | __(). ==wkm=====|'\/ `.O__ \ `, _-^. `. `---, : ____________________________________ ///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\ P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. -------- ...Funny! Thanks Bob! ================================================================= >-->From Our Friend Tony in Australia :) >Does God have a sense of humour? Psalms 2:4 He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the Lord shall have them in derision.( KJV) 1. Derision…. a. Contemptuous or jeering laughter; ridicule. b. A state of being derided: The proposal was held in derision by members of the board. 2. An object of ridicule; a laughingstock. When I first read this scripture, I had to sit back and try to imagine “God” standing there laughing. I guess we all, at some stage of our growth from a mere baby into adulthood, would have ‘pictured’ God as some long white haired, white bearded ‘elderly’ man rather than a 33 year old brownish skinned young man, but then, that all depends on how you was brought up and what you learned in Sunday school. Well, casting my mind back to Sunday School, (wow! That’s a job and a half!) I really don’t remember any ‘scoffers’ back then ! in fact, I doubt I knew the meaning of the word, but I am sure my Teachers had. As I have ‘grown up” ( those in the back row better watch what they say!) I have to say I ‘remember’ and I know lots of scoffers. I have them even in my family. Sad yes…but true. I guess we all have, and the often ‘laugh’ when I mention a loving , caring God. They talk about little children dying of starvation, they talk about vicious crimes against humanity that we hear about on the TV or radio… and they ‘scoff’ at the very existence of God when really, all they have to do is open the windows of their hearts and they will see evidence of God all around them. When a wire shorts out, or when, as happened in ‘our’house only yesterday, an iron shorts out, a loud “ Phutt” is heard, there is smoke and an acrid smell. We ‘see’ evidence of electricity! Yet we never consider the power of electricity till something goes wrong, and I praise the Lord that we CAN consider its power after an electrical accident! When something ‘goes wrong’ in our lives, as Christians, we ‘consider’ the Power of God and we get down on our knees, and we pray! We KNOW! That God will answer, although we can never be sure just “ how” he will answer. Scoffers, ( who supposedly DON”T believe in Him) will blame God! For what goes wrong in their lives quite often and they will use His name as a swear word! And guess what? God laughs….. His laugh is not always a joyous laugh! Especially when He is hearing His name called in vain! His laugh then becomes a laugh of judgment! Not jocularity… At this time, I want to ask you….” Have you ever heard God laugh?” and if you have, what was it that God was laughing at? God laughs at those who mock Him. I don’t just means those who don’t believe in God, I mean simply that God created us to be like Him! And yet there are those ‘men’who want us to be like ‘them’. We find them almost everywhere we look. God looks at these ‘people’ and he laughs at them, but its not an ‘amused’ laugh so much as a ‘bemused’ laugh. It’s not a’funny’ laugh, I doubt He sees too many ‘funny’ things to laugh about really,when He looks down on this world of ours and what’s ‘funny’ about ‘denying’ God? We know that those who bless God will BE blessed and we know that those who scorn God…. Well, you know what I am saying. God….still reigns! And always will ! The Bible says in Ps 4:6 Yet I have set My King on My holy hill of Zion. That still hasn’t changed and it never will. Those who come against God in ANY way, or against His children, shall not prosper! Even if it only verbally! Let alone physically. God..is NOT a respector of persons! As teachers and preachers, scholars and students of the Lord Jesus Christ, we are ‘expected’ to work in God’s Vineyard doing His will. His will is not always OUR will, but His will …. ‘WILL’ endure when ours fails. Be Blessed in Jesus name! Br. Tony ---- ...Wonderful Tony! Thank you. I think of the duck billed platypus _.- ~~^^^'~- _ _ .,.- ~ ~ ~ ~ - _ ________,' ::. ~ -. (( ~_\ -s- :: _ - ;, \\ ______<.._ .;;;` ,' } `', ``~~~~~ ~` ~- _ ; ; `\ _ _- _ ( } { , \, `, / ((/ _ _i ! _ , ,' \, , / ((((____/ ~ - - - - _ _'_-_,_,` \, ; < ----,____ (,(,(, ____> \,' \ ________`--.__ _ _ ____ ____ __ ______ _ _ ____ ____ __ `------__------- ______ _ _ ____ ____ __ -cfbd- when I wonder if God has a sense of humor and I smile :) -<>- >>Sung to These ar a few of my favorite things Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad --- ...Ahhh yes, Like a pill bottle a-t for all those favorite things... 2 .---. .-. .-. _ p= ;~~~; =q .---. .---. _ :~: 3 |~~~| .'~`. .' `. .'~`. .'~`. |~~~| .'~`. |~~~| |~~~| .' `. .' `. 4 | a | | b | | c | : d : | e | | f | | g | |(h)| |`i.| .' j `. | k | 5 |___| |___| `._.' :___: |___| |___| |___| |___| |___| |_____| |_____| 6 1 2 .-. p--- .'~`. .-=~=-. :~: |~| .-~~8~~-. |~| .-. 3 .'__( .'~`. `. .' )___( .' `. | | |~~---~~| | | )__`. 4 | l | | m | .'n`. ( o ) | p |] .' q `. | r | .'s`. | t | 5 |___| |___| `._.' `._.' |_____| `.___.' `._____.' `._.' |___| 6 Thanks Tony! :) ==================================================================== >-->From Our friends Del, Casey, & MrWu, Fig, & Budha ...and any one else who sent this to me that I may have forgotten >Way To Go MAXINE! I'm sorry, but after hearing they want to sing OUR National Anthem in Spanish - enough is enough! Nowhere did they sing it in Italian, Japanese, Polish, Czech, German, Portuguese, Greek, French, or any other language because of immigration. It was written by Francis Scott Key and should be sung word for word the way it was written. The news broadcasts even gave the translation - not even close. Sorry if this offends anyone, but this is MY COUNTRY IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY, SPEAK UP! I am not against immigration - just come through like everyone else. Get a sponsor; have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes; live by the rules; and LEARN THE LANGUAGE (P L E A S E ) . . . . ,-,--. __| //``-, \ \_`\ )\a-a-? \ \ \_`(_=_/_-`__ \__, , \| | _ _,' ___7 ) | (_)(_`__(_,---' | ( _( ) | / /_| |________| __/__/__|__|_________) _________(__,_|)/ (__)|/____\(_______________ mic as all other immigrants have in the past and GOD BLESS AMERICA ! PART OF THE PROBLEM Think about this: If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM! Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by people from other countries who came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice? Think about it! All we have to say is, when will Someone do something about MY RIGHTS? We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems no one has a problem with that. It is Time for America to Speak up If you agree - pass this along; if you don't agree - delete it! ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Becky :) And if there comes a time in life That your heart has been broken, Hear the words, "I'm here, my child," And know that your angel has spoken. -Leigh Engel, "Angels Are Always There" -<>- An Angel with a Sense of Humor Like many baby boomers, Maggie had to be the 'strong one' in the family. But a heavenly visitor gave her a lift. By Ken Schuman and Ron Paxton Maggie had just turned 50. She had a good job in market research and a successful marriage with two great kids. Her 22-year-old son Josh was about to graduate from college... More... http://tinyurl.com/2upmj6 More -<>- ,-.,-. Baby kisses ( WOW? )======================= \ / \/ SMACK! > < _ __))-.' `,-. / \ ,-9-. ; , - . ( c ^: @,@ ;`; ,' `. . \ )3 . #)' _ -.; .-==.',`=-=',-./._; : ; ,'( (_) ,=| (/ , :; . '-=-'| `-=;' \' :(@*) . : '. _ @_ \ (*@@*); ,`-.__ ) (_) ) \ (*@) (__(__),-' -' '- `=-' Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile. Send to all the people you love and don't want to lose in 2007, even me.... If you get 3 back you are a great friend . ================================================================ >-->In The Worldly News: ...Many of us like to express ourselves - here's an opportunity >From Grassfire: + + Start your own petition! FireSociety.com is designed precisely for grassroots citizens. We've empowered you to post news alerts, discuss the issues, formulate strategies, submit articles and even launch your own citizen petitions. Go here to see a citizen petition that is already gaining momentum: http://www.firesociety.com/article/10121 click here Already, over 10,000 friends have taken part and I wanted you to join as well. Would you please take two minutes right now to sign up? It's free and very easy to do. Go here: http://www.firesociety.com/registration Register Steve Elliott, Grassfire -<>- >From BizarreNews: - Robber accused of hitting same bank twice ---------- FAYETTE, N.C. - Two times was not a charm for a North Carolina bank robber accused of robbing the same bank twice and then getting robbed of some of the loot. Police looking at surveillance tape of a Wachovia Bank branch robbery Monday thought the robber looked like Joseph Thomas Mulkerin, who had pleaded guilty to robbing the same branch in March 2005, the Fayette (N.C.) Observer reported. Mulkerin was sentenced to between 10 months and one year in prison in that case, the Observer reported. Police got a tip that he was at the Boulevard Motel, where they found him and learned that he was staying at the nearby Tropical Motel. They arrested him, took him to his room and allegedly found money believed stolen in the bank heist -- but not all of it, the Observer reported. Police then learned that hotel maintenance worker David Mims, 49, had a key to the room and charged him with stealing some of the cash, the newspaper reported. Police wouldn't say how much of the cash was missing. Mulkerin was being held on $50,000 bond, accused of stealing $2,179, the Observer reported. -- Check from God gets man in trouble ----------- HOBART, Ind. - An Indiana man is facing up to seven years in prison after police say he tried to cash a $50,000 check from God. Kevin Russell, 21, allegedly tried to cash a check signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant," police told the Northwest Indiana Times. He's been charged with attempted check fraud, intimidation and resisting law enforcement, the newspaper said. Police arrested Russell at the Chase Bank branch in Hobart. Police told the Northwest Indiana Times the suspect had several other checks with him, all signed the same way but made out in different amounts. One check was for $100,000. "I've heard about God giving out eternal life but this is the first time I've heard of him giving out cash," Hobart Police Detective Jeff White told the newspaper. _____.______.______._____ \`\ /'/ \ | | / >|___,____,____,___|< /d$$$P ,ssssssssssss. \ Hong Kong suggests eco-friendly coffins /d$$$P ,d$$$$$$$$$$$$$b \ <=====w======w======w=====> \ \____> \_____/ <____/ / \_____________________/ pb HONG KONG - Hong Kong's Health, Welfare and Food Bureau is encouraging the funeral industry to switch to eco-friendly coffins. A bureau spokesman said the Hong Kong government welcomes opinions and suggestions from members of the funeral industry on the subject of the more environmentally safe coffins. "In this regard, we seek the support of members of the funeral trade in embracing the development," the spokesman said. "We understand that changes to long- time practices take time to adjust. We believe shifting to the use of eco-friendly coffins is set to benefit the society at large, including the bereaved families," he said. Eco-friendly coffins would cut energy costs required for cremation, as the new coffins burn about 26 minutes faster than other coffins. The change would also lessen the wait- ing period for cremation. The official said a larger variety of eco-friendly coffin choices are expected to become available in Hong Kong, offering more economical choices for bereaved families. -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: Police say baby was down payment for car Police in Pueblo, Colo., arrested a woman and charged her with using her 5-month-old son as a down payment for a car. Sgt. Brett Wilson of the Pueblo Police Department's special victims unit told the Denver Post the alleged sale took place Feb 21. "We received information from a third party about the sale of the baby," Wilson said. "Within hours, we were able to locate the baby." The child was healthy and was placed in foster care, the report said. Nicole Uribe, 23, was taken into custody for investigation of trafficking in children, which is a Class III felony, and the couple who allegedly bought the child could also be charged, Wilson said. Inmates get smokes, free hostage __..-\\\\ _ `\\\\\\\\\\ (_) `\\\\\\ _.\ O `\\\U\\ \ o `\\ \\\\~ _ | \\\\~~~ Staszek Inmates who held a guard hostage in Tennessee weren't looking to escape -- they just needed a smoke and once they got it, they returned to their cells. The maximum-security inmates at the smoke-free Northeast Correctional Facility in Mountain City, Tenn., overpowered a guard and held him hostage for about seven hours before prison officials worked out the deal, Warden Howard Carlton told the Kingsport (Tenn.) News. "As the night progressed, they started saying, 'Look, we'll give up if you let us have some tobacco. If you do that, we'll go back to our cell," Carlton told the newspaper. "They got them some cigarettes, they smoked them and went back to their cell and locked themselves back in." Billy Grubb, 32, is serving life without parole for first-degree murder. Bradley Johnson, 25, is serving a 25-year to life sentence for second-degree murder, the News reported. Both were transferred to other prisons and charges are pending over Tuesday's incident, the newspaper reported. ============================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: >Andy Says... Just Think About This! Ross Perot said, "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion." A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. ~~ -Carrie Snow- My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. ~~ -Erma Bombeck- Old age ain't no place for sissies. ~~- -Bette Davis- A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. ~~--Rhonda Hansome- The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman- Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. --Charlotte Whitton- Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. ~~--Caryn Leschen- I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! ~~--Kathy Buckley- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton- If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. ~~--Sue Grafton- -<>- TIME MANAGEMENT _._._._.,-. XXXX&,-' ( /oo'.XXXXXX ====( # _(")===== _.-(# . /\-._.--. (###.\_(-'--'|_(\#\#####.' `-._###'#_#####.#_'.-'' kOs '.--' `-.-.-' There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?" -<>- >Murphy's Law at Work ** - There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. ** - When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" ** - When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. -<>- >Winter in Chicago It's good that most cars have wires in the rear window to clear the fog and frost. Some cars even have wires under the wipers to free them when they're frozen. But what we really need is wires along the back of the trunk, to keep your hands warm while you're pushing! -<>- >Top 10 Signs Your Baptism Service Is In Trouble 10. The Coast Guard has to become involved in some unexpected way. 9. The service is held at "Splash Mountain Water Park." 8.The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water. 7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS. 6. The preacher uses plastic animated `Billy the Bass' singing "take me down to the river" instead of the traditional shall we gather at the river. 5. You hear the pastor say, "Oops! Honestly, sister, I didn't know about that drop-off." 4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for "Help!" 3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler. 2. Just as the choir starts to sing, the Crocodile Hunter jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission. And the Number 1 Sign Your Baptism service is not going as it should.... 1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer -<>- >SPIRITUAL FRUIT 1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. 2. Dear God, I have a problem, it Is me. 3. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. 4. If you worry, do not pray. If you pray... do not worry. 5. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday. 6. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still; God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot. 7. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry. 8. He who dies with the most things is still dead. -<>- >VALID IDENTIFICATION During a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane." "Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied Jim, "but it's sitting in my garage!" -<>- >Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era ** Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. ** If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. ** Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. ** Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ** Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity ** A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. ** If at first you don't succeed, try management. ** Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. ** TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. ** The beatings will continue until morale improves. ** Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. ** We waste time, so you don't have to. ** Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! ** Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. ** A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. ** When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. ** INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. ** Succeed in spite of management. ** Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment -<>- >Going To Church For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to hurt me if I continue to come to your church." "Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you." "Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" "Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to hurt YOU!" "Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town." -<>- >A SHORT TAKE Rumour has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there to keep the pilot and passengers cool. What, you don’t believe this? If it stops, watch them start to sweat. ================= Who Wants To Be A Millionaire A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin. Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol." Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?" Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..." Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo." Pam: "Are you sure?" Carol: "I'm sure." Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo." Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Are you confident?" Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart." Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!" To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" \/ __.---;_ .' './'0)',\ |o) | | '; :'--; \.__/' ; ;.' ( | __.-' _.) | ---=="=----''' | ;^; . ^+^^; ;^ : : ^; \ { :_ / ^'-; :'--'^ ",,____,,-' __ _______ ______ ============(((=======(((============dlK "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks." =================================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: Call Me Tex A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots and spurs -- standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name. "Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply. "Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked. "Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have you call me Louise!" -<>- >An ET-AHEM! [adult content is next] I am a BAD American. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, darn it! I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy bitt through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my butt through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your butt over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I hate those guys standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back! -<>- Phobia Shakey went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A preacher cured me for free." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" -<>- Phone and Junk Mail Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a real sales person to call back and get someone at home. ! What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine dialed call and it kicks your number out of their system. Since doing this, our phone calls have decreased dramatically. Another Good Idea is when you get ads in your phone or utility bill; include them with the payment and let the companies throw them away. When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes,right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and the best of it is that they're paying for it twice. Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again. >From one of you who wishes NOT to be identified - J.R. -<>- Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint? Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be kidding! Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available. Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it! Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint. Customer: The price went up as we were talking? Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want? Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough. Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: WHAT? Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs? Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. Customer: Forget this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else! Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. Customer: You're insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with United. -<>- >Ten Commandments for Husbands 1. Thou shalt not take thy wife for granted, but will honour and respect her as thy equal. (1 Pet 3:7) 2. Thy highest allegiance, except God, shall be to thy wife, not thy relatives or friends. (Gen 2:24) 3. Thou shalt frequently tell thy wife how important & valuable she is to thee. (Phil 2:3; Prov 31:10-11) 4. Thou shalt hold thy wife's love by the same means that thou won it. (Sos 5:10-16) 5. Thou shalt actively establish family discipline with thy wife's help. (Eph 6:4) 6. Remember to do all the little things for thy wife when you say you will. (Mt 5:37) 7. Keep thine eyes on thy own wife, not thy neighbors. (Prov 5:15-20; Job 31:1; Jer 5:8) 8. Thou shalt make every effort to see things from thy wife's point of view. (Gen 21:12) 9. Thou shalt not fail to kiss thy wife every morning. (Sos 8:1) 10. Thou shalt not be stingy with thy wife when it comes to money. (Esther 5:3) Ten Commandments for Wives 1. Expect not thy husband to give thee as many luxuries as thy father hath given thee after many years of hard labor. (Phil 4:11; Amos 4:1) 2. Thou shalt work hard to build thy house with the husband that you have, not fantasizing about "the one that could have been". (Prov 14:1) 3. Thou shalt not nag...hit him with thine frying pan, it is kindlier. (Prov 27:15; 21:19) 4. Thou shalt coddle thy husband and be a warm wife. (1 Cor 7:3-5) 5. Remember that the frank approval of thy husband is more to thee than the side glances of many strangers. (Ezek 16:32; 2 Pet 2:14) 6. Thou shalt not yell at thy husband but will be a gentle and quiet spirit. (1 Pet 3:1-4) 7. Permit no one to assure thee that thou art having a hard time of it. (1 Pet 5:9) 8. Thou shall not fail to dress up for thy husband with an eye to please him, as thou didst before marriage. (Sos 4:9-11) 9. Thou shalt submit to thy husband from thy heart and allow him to be head of the household. (Col 3:18; 1 Pet 3:6; Eph 5:33) 10. Thou shalt assure thy husband and others that he is the greatest man alive. (Phil 2:3; Sos 5:9-16) From Cup O'Cheer. To SUBSCRIBE: Send an e-mail with SUBSCRIBE CUP O'CHEER in the subject line to cupocheer@sc.rr.com ===================================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) >From TheMouthPiece: Step Lively Matey Solve Captain Dave's, the Scourge of the Susquehanna, riddle and join him aboard the SS SusqueNet to share in the booty! http://dcls.org/pirate/ Step Lively Matey Celebs-gallery.com Great site with multiple celebrity pictures galleries and contact information http://www.celebs-gallery.com/ Celebs-Gallery -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: NEW WORLD ORDER http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/NEWWORLDORDER.HTML Love Thoughts http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/love.html ME AND JESUS http://summerhoosier.250free.com/Html/MeAndJesus.html Forgiving http://www.carolspoetry.com/oct06/2.html Where Was God? http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/where.html Healthcyclopedia http://www.healthcyclopedia.com/index.html Bread Machine Manual http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/breadmachinemanual.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ==================================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Sen. John McCain announced right here on this program that he's running for president. Then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab." -- David Letterman "McDonald's is trying to compete with Starbuck's, so they're going to start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald's say both drinks go great with their new vente hazelnut McRib. -- Conan O'Brien "My Karma ran over your dogma." -- Unknown "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs--jolted by every pebble in the road." ~Henry Ward Beecher~ >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - BottaBing :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe ************************************************************************ >TO UNSUBSCRIBE: Remove ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN List Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 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