Installing HUSBAND And More ... :) Shangy!
>Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList:
To Subscribe send a blank email to
ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Group home page:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList
or Web Site:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html
Group email address:
ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com
or email me here:
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
===========================
>-->In The 'SHANGY' News :)
.-"-.
.-"-. @@/ \
/ \@@ Y '-<<<-' Darn Bugs!
'->>>-' Y '''
jgs ```
The other day I was reminded again why I keep the Yellow Page and
our affiliates. Last month my cat was sick and I had to take her
to the vet. We were all suffering from colds and viral infections
and she got one herself. Spray is an old kitty so she is more prone
to getting sick. She lost weight, was congested, losing clumps of
fur and very cold. She straddled our floor heat vents whenever they
were on. She got antibiotics and the vet found that even though
it was December, she had fleas. She had to have flea medicine. The
weather around here was on and off again winter cold. So much so that
bugs kept coming out of hibernation. I didn't realize the animals
would be having flea trouble in December!
So I bought a one month dose Advantage for my dog and two cats. I like
it as it kills all the nasty attackers with their eggs! Fleas can make
new fleas in as little as two days! And it kills tics and repels
mosquitos too which can cause heart worm in dogs. It cost me $39.00 for
the pets to be covered for one month. The vet said cats are especially
prone to becoming anemic with fleas! Something I didn't know. I usually
made sure my dog was taken care of as he is allergic to flea bites but
didn't often take care of the cats unless I saw they were scratching a
bunch. I've tried the various cheap stuff at wal-mart and around but
found I just wasted my money on them as they didn't work.
After giving Spray her flea medicine, she quit losing clumps of fur. So
it was the stupid fleas causing all that shedding! Anyway, that was last
month. This month the weather is still the same and playing the games
it was last month. With the month done, her protection is done too. She
began losing fur and scratching again. So that is why I said I remember
why I keep our affiliates and our Yellow page. I went there and placed
an order for 6 months worth of Advantage flea medicine for the animals.
I saved a bunch of money and I don't have to run to the vets for it! I
had them ship it their default ground shipping so I'd get free shipping.
I was surprised that it arrived the very next day!
So I just had to share this with you and Remind You to save a bunch of
time and money on your pet medicine and needs too! This place is fast,
dependable and high quality. A good on-line store!
Visit Petscriptions here:
http://tinyurl.com/yj68c2
Our 'Yellow Page' here:
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/yellow.html
-<,,>-
>Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press...
,_
('} General Mayhem
[=\
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(/} Major Damage
]-\
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Our friend Richard was the inspiration for this Smokin' Hot
page! He sent us some military quotes and inspired this new
artist page...
WWI HUMAN ART
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/humanart.html
WWI Human Art
---
...Awesome! Thanks Richard!
-<..>-
>From Our Friend Pat :)
"I so hope you have a wonderful, wonderful day!!!
Luv all!!!" -Pat
She sent us some great photos!
I just had to add them to our club here:
http://ph.groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList/photos/browse/1f2a
---
...Thanks Pat - these were Sweet!
SPEAKING Of Sweet...
"I got this from my sis, Becky, and I thought you may enjoy this.
Nature is just soooo wonderful!!" -Pat
Pat sent us Baby Moose Pictures. These are so cute that
when I got these before, I did a page on them...
Newborn Moose:
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moose.html
---
...Thanks for the 'SMILES' Reminder Pat!
==================================================================
The Revival
_|_
|
| After the revival had concluded,
/ \ the three pastors were discussing
//_\\ the results with one another.
//(_)\\
|/^\| The Methodist minister said, "The
||_|| revival worked out great for us!
// \\ We gained four new families."
// \\
// === \\ The Baptist preacher said, "We did
// =-=-= \\ better than that! We gained six new
// === \\ families."
//| |\\
| | The Presbyterian pastor said,
| __ __ | "Well, we did even better than that!
| | | | | We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble
| | -|- | | makers!"
|_|__|__|_|
jgs /` ======= `\
/` ======= `\
===================================================================
+----------------- More Bizarre U.S. Laws -----------------+
Kansas:
It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode
on Sundays.
In Wichita, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may
not be used as grounds for divorce.
In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in
August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing
a striped shirt.
Louisiana
In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at
all red lights.
It is considered "simple assault" to bite someone in New
Orleans; it is "aggravated assault" if the biter has false
teeth.
It is against the law to gargle in public.
Maine
In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the
chin with feather dusters.
The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her land-
lord.
In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.
==================================================================
>--From Our Friend Barbara :)
Here's a fun video to watch!
_
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rg o*"o .|*". o*`o o"`o .*-. rg
1---------2---------3---------4---------5---------6---------*--
$* @+& %&^ motor cycle *&# #%&
by mic
What Engineers Do When They Retire
http://tinyurl.com/36qj7f
---
..Amazing! Thanks Barbara!
==================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Maxy's Pal :)
>A SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS
-''--.
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>_ / /_\ /_\ \ _<
/ ( \o/\\o/ ) \
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jgs /__/ \__\
'---'
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take the time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...
---
...Amen!
-<..>-
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Stephen Unwin
In A Perfect World
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/Perf.htm
---
...Featuring my Fav cat! Cool! Thanks Maxy's Pal!
=================================================================
>-->Senior Personal Ads...
It can't be me
after all, ;%%%;
I am only a %o.o%
Doll `=´
\/ _ _(\@/)_ _
/ (_}_Y Y_{_)
/ \
/_____\
/___/
MJP
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-
looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes
and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a
six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath
not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises,
the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type,
let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy
quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seek-
ing a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the
cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to
play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a
groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track
tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put
our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition,
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,
valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
[From AndyChaps]
==========================================================
>-->From Our Friends Del, Casey & MrWu :)
,,,,,
\ e e\
C _\/ |\\,
)\_) \_ / HEY!
_/|/_ _//
,'\ ~ /'-,_/ \ What did they do THAT fer?
/ \_/ / /
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|// | '
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| | |
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b'ger /____\__\
>WHY THE CUT IN U.S. SENIOR BENEFITS?
I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until
they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them.
I have included the URL's for verification of the following facts.
1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens
each year. http://tinyurl.com/zob77
2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs
such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal
aliens. http://www.cis.org /articles/2004/fiscalexec.html
3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal
aliens.
http://www.cisorg/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html
4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school
education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a
word of English!
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.0.html
5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the
American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor
babies.
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
https://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
https://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
https://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare &
social services by the American taxpayers.
http://premium.cnn.com/TRANSCI PTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html
https://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
9. $200 Billion Dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused
by the illegal aliens.
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
https://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's
two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In
particular, their children, are going to make a huge additional
crime problem in the US
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0606/12/ldt.01.html
https://connect.bechtel.com/danacached/help/emptyhtml
11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens
that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal
aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs,
cocaine, meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from
the Southern border.
Homeland Security Report: http://tinyurl.com/t9sht
https://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
12. The National Policy Institute, "estimated that the total cost of
mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an
average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five
year period."
http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf
https ://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances back
to their countries of origin.
http://www.rense.com/general75/niht.htm
https://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
14. "The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One Million Sex
Crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States".
http://www.drdsk.com/articles.html
https://connect.bechtel.com/dana-cached/help/empty.html
The total cost is a whooping $ 338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR !
If this doesn't bother you then just delete the message, but on the
other hand, if it does raise the hair on the back of your neck, then
forward it.
I'm just passing it on!
-<^^>-
________
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>Two Questions...
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Who would you vote for?
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's had two mistresses. He also c hain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember:
Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic
And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has
a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year..
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United StatesCongress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to
keep the rest of us in line.
-<**>-
>This is a good one...
_
mMm _[_]_
THE WEDDING TEST /(_)\ (_)
//)^(\\//:\\
/(/&@&\)\|~|/
/ /-~`~-\ |||
`/ \|||
`-------'-'--
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be
deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door,
and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future
family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
---
...LOL - Yep, Good Ones - Thanks Del!
=======================================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
>From AFA:
Don't miss the UNSHAKEABLE FAITH weekend!
It features an outstanding group of speakers that includes:
Dinesh D'Souza Dr. Alex McFarland
Dr. Terry Mortenson Dr. Norman Geisler
Dr. William Lane Craig Dr. Harold Rawlings
Did you know that many Christian parents have unwittingly been paying
for Atheism?
The UNSHAKEABLE FAITH weekend is designed to help you love the Lord your
God with...all your mind! (Matthew 22:37) And, to equip you with a ready
defense of your faith in Jesus Christ.
Visit here for details:
www.UnshakeableFaith.org
Please help us by forwarding this email to your entire email list of
friends and family.
Sincerely,
Don
Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman American Family Association
-<>-
>From LifeScript:
\
\ \ .`---.
\ \__________ __/ _ \
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/ | \ \ /
/ | \ \/
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\ | /
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V
Cold and Flu Survival Guide
Our mothers had it right when it came to avoiding colds and flu:
Cover your mouth, eat chicken soup and wear your coat. But just
because Mom said to rest and down glass after glass of orange juice
doesn’t mean those are guaranteed cures. Below are the top 10 ways
to survive cold and flu season...
Visit here to read more
http://www.lifescript.com/HA/30292_4238409_6390_0.htm
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
-- Dummy employed by carpool offender -------------
SEATTLE - A Washington state trooper said a motorist cited
for driving alone in the carpool lane was traveling with
an elaborately decorated dummy disguised as a human. State
Patrol Trooper Jeff Merrill said the driver was pulled over
after his dummy, which was in the rear passenger seat,
slumped over so it could not be seen from outside the car,
The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported. Merrill said the
driver admitted the dummy -- dressed in a denim jacket, a
hoodie and glasses with a painted-on black beard -- was
intended to fool traffic cops into thinking a passenger
was riding along while the driver used the carpool lane.
"This guy, he went to great extremes," Merrill said. The
man was given a $124 citation, but he was allowed to keep
his mannequin. "It's not a crime to have it," Merrill said.
"But if you use it to cheat, then you're going to get a
ticket."
_...._
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||
||
- Golf balls removed from snake sell on eBay ------
CURRUMBIN, Australia - An Australian carpet python's
mistake will help other animals now that the golf balls
it swallowed have been sold on eBay. The high bid was
$1,401 Australian ($1,253 U.S.), the Gold Coast Bulletin
reported. The money will go to help build an animal
hospital at the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary. The winner
gets the still-unwashed balls, as well as X-rays and
photographs of the python before and after successful
surgery to remove them. The python, newly named Augusta,
swallowed the golf balls during a visit to a hen house
last month. The owner had placed the balls in a brood
hen's nest to encourage egg laying. Veterinarians at
Currumbin determined that the python would not simply
eliminate the golf balls and decided to operate to save
the snake's life. "Augusta the snake has received wide-
spread media coverage, and his eBay items have proved
just as intriguing as the story of how he swallowed the
golf balls," said David Luxton, the sanctuary's marketing
manager.
>< ><
><
(`\
_> )_
,-' ,-. `; -- Suspect tracked using trail of poo -----
`""/ /""
`-"
DURHAM, N.C. - Police in Durham, N.C., said they were led
to a suspect by the trail of fresh dog-doo he left after
stepping into a pile while fleeing. Authorities said Josue
Herrios-Coronilla, 18, crashed his car into the yard of
Bill McDonald, who owns four dogs, after driving the wrong
way down the street, the Durham Herald Sun reported.
Officers discovered the wrecked car, crushed bushes and a
pile of dog feces with a fresh shoe print. Durham police
Sgt. Dale Gunter followed the smelly trail until he
encountered a white van driving in his direction. He asked
the passenger of the van to exit the vehicle and noted the
odoriferous evidence on his shoes and the smell of alcohol
on his breath. Herrios-Coronilla was charged with underage
drinking and driving while impaired.
-<>-
>From CoffeeBreak:
Senior protesters admit to graffiti
Police in Scotland arrested a pair of veteran peace
campaigners after the two elderly women said they were
responsible for tagging a court building. Helen John, 69,
and Georgina Smith, 77, were reportedly caught with paint
in hand and freely admitted to painting slogans such as
"No cluster bombs" and "UK values? What values?" on the
walls of the High Court building in Edinburgh, The Scotsman
reported. The actions earned them a trip to Cornton Vale,
Scotland's only all-female prison, for 40 and 45 days each.
The women refused to say they did anything wrong, despite
admitting to the graffiti that caused an estimated $7,200
in damage, the newspaper said. The pair have been involved
in protests since the early years of the Greenham Common
peace camp. More recently, they participated in protests
outside the Faslane naval base in Helensburgh. Both have
several convictions for other protest-related offenses.
_________________________
|| || || ||
|| ||, , ,|| ||
|| (||/|/(\||/ ||
|| ||| _'_`||| ||
|| || o o || ||
|| (|| - `||) ||
|| || = || ||
ScS || ||\___/|| || Injured during escape, he sues the jail
||___||) , (||___||
/||---||-\_/-||---||\
/ ||--_||_____||_--|| \
(_(||)-| S123-45 |-(||)_)
|"""""""""""""""""""""""""""|
| "Honest, ossifer, I don't |
|'member whips, chains, and |
| leather womens....*burp*" |
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Sher^ 2/14/98
A former Pueblo County (Colo.) Jail prisoner is suing the
county for injuries he sustained during an attempted escape.
Scott Anthony Gomez Jr., who had already escaped from the
jail once, but was apprehended after two days at large, was
seriously injured on his second attempt, The Los Angeles
Times reported. Gomez was using bed sheets to rappel down
an 85-foot building in 2006 when he fell 40 feet to the
ground. After corrections officials asked a court to order
Gomez to repay $64,000 in medical expenses, Gomez filed
suit, alleging authorities made it too easy to break out.
"Defendants … did next to nothing to ensure that the jail
was secure and the plaintiff could not escape," the federal
lawsuit says. Pueblo County Sheriff Kirk Taylor, who took
office the day before Gomez was injured, said the lawsuit
"doesn't pass the straight-face test." "He is the criminal
here, not the sheriff," said the sheriff. Gomez was in
jail for violating parole in a 2004 weapons case. He
claims in the suit that jail guards abused him -- and that
after his first escape, he told authorities "there were
many ways" to escape from the jail.
$18,000 belt will tighten pants, wallet
Not only will the newest belt being sold by a New York
company keep your pants tight, but its $18,000 price tag
will put a strong grip on your wallet, as well. The key
to the big-bucks leather belt being offered by the men's
accessories company Kale Miles is its platinum buckle,
The New York Post said. With an ounce of platinum currently
valued at nearly $1,560, the 7- to 8-ounce buckle easily
prices the belt out of most people's range. But for those
interested in looking good no matter the cost, obtaining
one of the custom-made belts is pretty simple. The Post
said potential customers just need to inform the company
of their waist size and production begins in Maine, where
workers spend a week producing the lavish belt using leather
from a special breed of cow and, of course, the costly but
likely stylish belt buckle.
==============================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommy,
who told you how to drive ?"
---
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
---
A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
All of the local area physicians attended the service.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral--I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
---
I had volunteered to help my attractive blonde and single cousin with
moving to a new town house. Looking at her, I should have realized
that she'd have more than enough help so emptying her apartment and
loading the truck went fast. But several of us had been dropped off
so the cab of our rented six-meter long, moving truck was crowded.
_.--"""--._
.' '-. `.
__/__ (-. `\ \
/o `o \ \ \ \
_\__.__/ )) | | ;
.--;" | | \
( `) | | \
_|`---' .' _, _| | `\
'`_\ \ '_,.-';_.-`\| \ \_
.' '--'---;` / / |\ |_..--' \
\'-'.' .--'.__/ __.-;
`"` (___...---''` \
_/_ \
/jgs\
\___/
Too crowded as there was no room left for my cousin's enormous, black,
Great Dane in the cab . . So, laughing, we put him in the driver's seat
of the pickup we were towing.
Once on the road, there was a sudden eruption of noise. We looked back
to see the Dane's huge paws resting on the horn while he howled in
protest.
As we were about to pull over, another car came alongside the driver,
rolled down his window and hollered, "Hey, lady! .... Why don't you
let him pass?"
---
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia:... the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
---
Q. Is swallowing chewing gum deadly?
A. No. It won't stay in your stomach, nor lodge itself in
your appendix or internal organs. Swallowed gum follows
the same path as everything else you swallow, and with
the same result.
---
A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck
in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until
they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.
"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."
A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?!"
---
>Answers to Senior Questions.....
Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members
of the opposite sex who are sexually interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these…”
---
_.....
.-'` ^ `'.
.'^ ^ ,_. \
// , ^ _.-'-. |
// /.--' '- |
/;/``--.___._ ;
|/` | /\ |`) /
` //` || | /
// || | ;
(( || | |
`:. || \ \
':. (| `\\
/;|| ||
|||| ;|
|/|| /` |
|| \-p/
|| | |
jgs .~||~./_/
`~ - ~`
>You know you live in Florida if...
YOUR SISTER'S FAMILY, PREVIOUSLY ADDICTED TO THE ORLANDO AREA, WON'T
COME DOWN FOR THANKSGIVING, EVEN THOUGH YOU ASSURE THEM THAT "HURRICANE
SEASON IS OVER BY THEN, ALICE!"
You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three
bedrooms, two baths, and one safe hallway.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
The road leading to your house has been declared a 'No-Wake' Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the
pool.
You own more than three large coolers.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking, "It'll only take
a gallon of gas to get there and back."
You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your
freezer.
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can
assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound redfish -- in your driveway.
You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance
policy.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at
the Weather Channel and every single newscaster and reporter at all of
the major stations in town.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder, or a
tree worker.
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
Christmas.
The hurricane shutter guy and your roofer are driving BMW's.
You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad
side."
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
A battery-powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
A chain saw, generator or a gas grill comes as a free gift with every
new Florida mortgage.
---
>INSTALLING HUSBAND...
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@,""""""@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@"- "@@@@@@@@@@ "@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@( ^^^ )@@@@@@@@@ ' @@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@@) ) _/@@@@@@@@@@@m "@@@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@| :@@@@@@@@@m )@@. )@@@@@@@@
unknown
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance --
Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
----------------------
Dear Desperate:
.-=-. ^Boyfriend 5.0^
/\____)
| / . .\
\( _>|
_) __/--""-.__
.' ,__._ `''''.-""-.
/ %% .\ ``''`(___/\ \
/ / ' _%- | ( |' ' ) )
/ / \ _\- \ __) _\=_/ (
/ -;_ \ _\- \___(__.' ` \ ) .-,
`--._'-.'. .(/"-.._.(' ; (--. __.' /
`. \ \ / / . (' , | )```` _._)
jgs _.`')_/.._/ /.__ ____.'_| |_/----'`
'-'``'-._ / | (_........'
`;-"`; | `
`'.__/
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try
to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is
a very bad program that will download the beta version of Snoring
Loudly.
_,
`(. )- `` )/,
'\\ =/= ))) ^Mother-in-law 1.0^
\\ < D/
\\ e_ /
\\_ __\ \____
/ 7// )/` /\
|(_/ ) (/ ( \
'_/\ \ \ ^\ /\
\__/ \______|<-_\
)_7___\ )_/
/` ( \
/ \_ / '\/\
| / ,
| | |
| | |
* | | |
* | | |
* | ' |
``, | | |
+ + # |___/|___/
___|/ ?____ /( )\
/ | U ) \_ /^/ \^\
_/_'- /__/- /__ \_/_/ \_\ __b'ger__
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
.-=-.
////"\\
.=. ( 6 6 ) ^Husband 1.0^
//"\\ \ - /
(/6 6\) _.) (._
)\ = /(-` `:` `\
_(_ ) ( _)-| : |\ \
(_/ `\_/` \ | : |/ /
/ (_ @ _) \\_ : _/ /
\ \)___(/ / |===|_)
\/`"""`\/ | L |
| | | | |
| | | | |
|_____| | | |
||| | | |
||| | | |
||| |_|_|
jgs / Y \ / T \
`"`"` `"`"`
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
===
To Subscribe, send a blank mail to:
scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
=====================================================================
>-->From The Jokester:
>Change Of Ways
This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.
The last line says it all.
___
(___)
/` `\
/ /"\ \
\_/o o\_/
( _ )
`\ /`
/\\V//\
/ /_ _\ \
\ \___/ /
\/===\/
|| ||
|| ||
||___||
|_____|
jgs |||
/ Y \
`"`"`
Dear Friend of Mine:
I'm reading more and dusting less.
I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the
weeds in the garden.
I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not
to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I'm not "saving" anything.
We use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing
a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.
I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous,
I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.
I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for
clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.
"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my
vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and
hear and do it now.
I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be
here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted.
I think they would have called family members and a few close friends.
They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences
for past squabbles.
I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for
whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew
my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters
that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I
didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love
them.
I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that
would add laughter and luster to our lives.
And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special.
Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift.
People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't
need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be
there."
I don't believe in Miracles. I RELY on them.
=====================================================================
>-->From PetWarmers:
____
_..,---,___.--'' ''---.________.'
,---',> _/ __ ,.---'
'',_____.__ _ / ') .-'
''-. )-' | .'
'._ \___/ .'
(_.---,
'--'
mrf
>HAS ME WELL TRAINED by Philip Jones
I really did not want another dog.
Having been through the entire canine life cycle twice before, I
was conscious of how painful it becomes toward the end. But a few years
before my heart attack, Faye, my wife, raised the topic repeatedly over
several months.
My position was clear. "It's a 15-year commitment and we're
already well into our 50s. It's a lot of work. It will limit our
freedom to travel." And so on. Powerful, sensible arguments,
impossible to refute by any logical reasoning.
Finally she asked, "Are you telling me I can't have a dog?"
"No, of course not," I reply, "but it will be your dog. You will
be the one to train it and look after it. When it's extremely cold
outside, it will be your responsibility to take it out."
Well, a few weeks later Faye brought home a tiny, breathing bundle
of creamy, fluffy fur with two big brown eyes. I put him over my
shoulder and all my rational objections melted away.
This was the cutest little puppy I had ever seen. Seven weeks old.
Later we read this is the age they begin to "bond" with their human
guardians. Chambo and I soon bonded.
He is a cross between Cocker Spaniel and American Eskimo. His name
derives partly from his champagne color and partly from our recognition
that he will be a bundle of mischievous energy.
While Chambo took me on one of our frequent walks, we finally
acknowledged our shared secret. "You're my buddy, aren't you Chambo?"
And he readily agrees. But we do not tell Faye just yet. There is
still more tedious training to be done, and she must meet at least some
of her obligations.
Winter finally arrived. And can you guess who took Chambo outside?
Me, of course, and I am quite content with that role.
Soon after, Chambo took charge of our home and one of my sons
predicted that I would soon find a way to bring this little dog into my
retail management seminars.
Sure enough, the message for retail merchants becomes:
Training A Customer Is Easier Than Training A Puppy!
A growing dog needs to be trained to respond to nine basic
commands. A retail customer, on the other hand, needs to be trained in
only three.
A loyal customer needs to learn to Come!, Fetch! and Stay!
Normally, it's neither necessary nor advisable to order customers to Get
Down, Drop it, Heel, Shush, Lie Down, or Go Outside.
At dog obedience classes, it is always the dog's owner that needs
the training. A puppy knows how to sit. Sitting at our request is
quite another matter.
Similarly, most customers know how to shop. For one large segment
of the population, it is part of their genetic heritage. It is up to
the retailer to master the techniques that will prompt them to shop
regularly in their store, to "Stay!" as loyal customers.
In a previous life, Chambo must have been a manager himself. This
is apparent from his training methods.
When he is exercising me, he occasionally stops, sits down, and
refuses to budge. I then look around, wondering what I am supposed to
do next. Once I realize and acknowledge that I am now expected to cross
to the other side of the road, Chambo jumps up and we proceed.
He has me well trained.
Drawing on his earlier managerial experience, Chambo has used this
traditional technique: When your subordinates fail to figure out what
they are supposed to do next, sit on the ground and glare at them until
they figure it out!
-- Philip Jones
____________________________________________
Philip is a motivational speaker and author based in Calgary, Canada.
This article is an extract from his book, How to Fit a Heart Attack into
Your Busy Schedule! You can review his book at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/193279400X/heartref=nosim
-------------------------
>CHUBBY HAMSTER SAVED FROM VACUUM
. .
(>\---/<)
,' `.
/ q p \
( >(_Y_)< )
>-' `-' `-<-.
/ _.== ,=.,- \
/, )` '( )
; `._.' `--<
: \ | )
\ ) ;_/ hjw
`._ _/_ ___.'-\\\
A hamster reportedly cheated death when he was sucked up by a
vacuum cleaner -- because he was too fat to go down the tube.
According to the Daily Express Rusher, a nine-month old hamster,
had escaped from his cage and was sucked up while Amanda Horniman, from
England, was cleaning her son's bedroom.
But his weight meant he got jammed in the tube before getting
sucked into the vacuum bag, which would have killed him.
Mrs. Horniman's husband Nick, who is a vet, said, "Rusher got stuck
in the pipe, but Amanda had seen him just before he went up so she
stopped the machine to get him out."
"Fortunately, he blocked the tube and didn't go into the machine's
motor. If he had been a thin hamster, things would have been a lot
worse."
Dr. Horniman took Rusher to his office for a check-up before
returning him to his cage. (Ananova News, May 24)
======================================================================
>-->Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard on George W. Bush's Trip to The
Middle East
10. Where can I buy one of them flying carpets?
9. Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen it's me the guy who
rammed democracy down your throats
8. Is the war over yet?
7. I know your name's Mahmoud but I'm gonna call you 'Manny'
6. Gas up Air Force One W. wants to go to Reno
5. Tell Cheney he doesn't have to call me every time he has
a heart attack
4. I wonder if Jackoway hammered out that interim agreement
with Hamas
3. That's not a kitty, sir, it's a Sphinx
2. It's nice to finally put a face to the devastation I've
created
1. My next stop the Middle West!
=================================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
When Insults Had Class...
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/book/When%20Insults%20Had%20Class.htm
Fighting Back...
http://tinyurl.com/23eksw
IP Tools
http://www.iptools.com/
Time Lapse
http://599productions.com/TimelapseLarge.html
-<>-
>From TheMouth:
THE TOP TEN SCI-FI FILMS THAT NEVER EXISTED
http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/scifi.html
CAVE ESCAPE
http://www.wimp.com/caveescape/
-<>-
>From LynnLynn's Links:
Artworks By Shannon
http://www.artworksbyshannon.com/
A Beautiful Symphony
http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/ABeautifulSymphony.html
Winter Song
http://www.carolspoetry.com/carol29.html
Fixitnow.com Samurai Appliance Repair Man
http://fixitnow.com
Folk Remedies
http://www.health911.com/remedies/rem_indx.htm
Hope Of The Return
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/hopeofthereturn.html
Real Fantasy Trees
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trees.html
Conversion Tables
http://www.theepicentre.com/tables.html
Spice Encyclopedia
http://www.theepicentre.com/Spices/spiceref.html
Alarm
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/011156.htm
Cool Parrot
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/011157.htm
Animal Thieves
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/011157.htm
Root Beer
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/42005.htm
To subscribe send a blank email to
lynnlynns-links-subscribe@egroups.com
===============================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body
that's 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It
was immediately hired to co-host 'The View'."
- Craig Ferguson
"Olympic runner Marion Jones admitted to lying about
taking steroids. She got the maximum sentence: six months
in prison. The good news? Because she's the fastest woman
on earth, she'll be able to serve it in three days, 28
minutes."
- Jay Leno
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. We already
have them here in New York City: It's called a cab."
- David Letterman
"Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is
also the success of others."
- Jules Renard
"What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance
for another nuisance."
- Havelock Ellis
"But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does
not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They
laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed
at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the
Clown."
- Carl Sagan
He who fears he shall suffer already suffers what he fears.
-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - YabbaDabbaDooo :) Shangy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales && Service
You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair.
We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with
all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806
************************************************************************
-->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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>TO SUBSCRIBE:
Visit Here
This Weeks regular Shangy emails
OR
For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to
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