Internet Recovery Program And More ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels For 2010 *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2010 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY! ================ >-->2 Hot off the 'Shangy' Press :) These first two come from forwards from our friend Vivian. We all love a good animal story and this one about Jasmine sure is a heartwarmer! Check it out here... __ / \ / ..|\ (_\ |_) / \@' / \ _ / ` | \\/ \ | _\ \ /_ || \\_ \____)|_) \_) Ruth Ginsberg Jasmine The Greyhound http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jasmine.html This next one is a collection of absolutely superb wildlife photos. The photographers are amazing! They make you feel as if the animal is right there in front of you. Check it out... ,. ,_> `. ,'; ,-`' `' '`'._ ,,-) ---._ | .---''`-),. ,' `. \ ; / _,' `, ,--' ____ \ ' ,' ___ `-, _> /--. `-. .-'.--\ \__ '-, ( `. `.,`~ \~'-. ,' ,' ) _\ _> \ \ ,' ') ) `. / / <,. ,-' _, \ ,' ( / `. / `-, `-.,-' `.,' ` `.,' `\ ,-' ,' _ / ,,, ,,, \ `-. `-._ /-, ,' ; ' _ \ / _ ` ; `. `(`-\ /-, ; (o) (o) ; `'`, ,~-' ,-' \ ' ` / \ <_ /-. ,' \ / \ ,-' '`, ,' `-/ \-' `. `-. < /_ / / (_ _) \ \ `, `-._; ,' | .::.`-.-' :.. | `-. _\ _/ \ `:: ,^. :.:' / `. \,-' '`. ,-' /`-..-'-.-`-..-'\ `-. >_ / ; (\/( ' )\/) ; `-. _< ,-' `. \`-^^^-'/ ,' \ _< `-, ,' `. `"""""' ,' `-. <`' ') `._.,,_.' \ ,-' '._ '`'`' \ < > ,' , `-. <`' `,/ \ ,-` `, ,' | / / '; / ; ( _)| ` ( `') .-' <_ \ / hjw \ /\( `;/ ` The Wild Ones http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildones.html --- ...Terrific ones Vivian! Thank you!! ================================================================ >-->From TheFunnyBone: A Great Writer Once Wrote... ________________________.--------. There was once _.--'\\ \ \ (__________`;.__ a young man <) || | | |__) who, in his jgs `'--.//__________________/_/_____________.' youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great", this is what he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages... =================================================================== +------------- More Bizarre March Holidays --------------+ March 11 is Johnny Appleseed Day & Worship of Tools Day March 12 is Alfred Hitchcock Day March 13 is Jewel Day March 14 is National Potato Chip Day March 15 is Buzzard's Day & Everything You Think Is Wrong Day March 16 is Everything You Do Is Right Day March 17 is Submarine Day March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day March 19 is Poultry Day March 20 is Proposal Day & Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend Sandi :) ,"=-. / _),`'". ( /a( ), ) ) C = = ?/ ( )) (_ o-< ) ( `-' \; ( \_ ( | \ ) )| \_/} \ \ \(_;/-|_) )/) `._,--/ / / `!__!! ( (_o)) ---`-._, )--- ------( / |---- | ( | :__/|\_; \ |/ )(\_ /_)--` gpyy \_! >I owe My Mother... 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." And my favorite: 25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !" "Life isn't about how you survive the storm, but how you dance in the rain" --- ...Teehee! Thanks Sandi! ======================================================================= >-->From Our Friend Wesley :) ____ || | ||___| _)__<__ _ _ |____|__|:|___|:|_ | |_.---._|___| _ | o| | | |_o_| | || |/| |\| | |_||____|`\___/'|___| V _/-\_ fsc >12-Step Internet Recovery Program 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet. (soda pop works here right?) 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. (Who eats breakfast?) 3) I will get dressed before noon. (That's pushing it!) 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet. (Easy one - this one I already do!) 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived. (Good luck reading my writing now - way outta practice!) 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet. [Easy - Just use my magic jack and It is almost as free.) 7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. [Those are on-line aren't they?) 8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet. (Easy! - they are all busy on the net.) 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. (What tv? - oh yeah at dead head times) 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. (Easy! Gotta get t-paper and pop any way.) 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet. (Who writes checks? On-line banking - duh!) 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow! [Easy - too much work and I turn into a dead head) --- ...LOL! Tuff List here Wesley! Boy this is harder then it looks! But (Sporting my best Sponge-Bob impression), 'I'm Ready! - I'm Ready!' NOT! HaHa Thanks Wesley! ====================================================================== >-->In The WorldlyNews: [POLITICS] >From Patriot Update: ObamaCare: A Test Of Manhood? http://tinyurl.com/y89ac4n Rahm Emanuel "Would Sell His Own Mother" For Votes http://tinyurl.com/ybud48x -<>- >From Newsmax: ObamaCare 3.0 - The Worst Bill Ever It's a Half Baked, Half Hearted, Sloppy Mess that Will Cost Over $1 Trillion! The President released his own version of the twice-rejected healthcare reform bill, aka ObamaCare 3.0. The American people took to the streets, invaded town halls, flooded the Capitol switchboard with phone calls and even elected a Republican in Ted Kennedy's Senate Seat to STOP ObamaCare 1.0 and ObamaCare 2.0. So, what makes ObamaCare 3.0 any different? NOTHING! It is Still a Government Takeover of Health Care. This new scheme defrauds America with a plan that repackages the same approach already taken by the U.S. Senate. A scheme that Americans have already rejected in the Latest Rasmussen Poll - as 56% Oppose ObamaCare!!!! What makes it even worse, this bill is a slopped together, hasty, half-hearted mess. This bill is simply designed to trick Americans into believing that the bill is a bipartisan bill that reconciles the House and Senate bills. The President had not put forward actual bill language, but rather has re-branded and made changes to the Senate-passed bill, H.R. 3590, in order to gain the support of more liberal House members . Honestly, this White House should be ashamed of itself for not even trying to respond to the public's demand for affordability, choice and transparency The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO) cannot even score the latest ObamaCare scheme because it lacks enough substance and detail to do so. White House spokesman Dan Pfeiffer said, "We took our best shot at bridging the differences (in the House & Senate Bills)." If this is the "best shot" the White House has to offer, then it is time for the President Obama to admit he is not up to the task. Time to hit the Reset Button and START OVER. The Wall Street Journal reported ObamaCare is the Worst Bill Ever with epic new spending and taxes, pricier insurance, rationed care, and dishonest accounting. The President's proposal still contains: * Mandates and Higher Premium The proposal maintains the individual mandate and the Senate's "free-rider" employer mandate that will increase individual premiums by up to 30 percent according to the Congressional Budget Office * DEEP Cuts to Medicare and HEFTY tax increases to pay for the expansion and creation of new entitlement programs: Specifically the proposal increases cuts Medicare Advantage plans, cuts what doctors and hospitals are paid to treat seniors, raises the Medicare payroll tax even higher (adding it to a tax on earned income in addition to a tax on "high income individuals") and adds a new tax on every American who owns stocks or bonds. * No real medical liability reform: No changes to the insufficient medical liability provisions as passed in the Senate bill. * New bureaucratic boards that dictate how doctors practice medicine and gives government agencies control over what new technologies health plans can provide. : Maintains provisions such as the comparative effectiveness research board (Patient Centered Outcomes Research Institute, the Independent Medicare Advisory Board (IMAB) or "MedPAC on steroids", and more. Americans will be forced to select from health plans with benefits restricted by government bureaucrats. * A form of a government-run plan: The proposal allows the federal government to shut down private health plans and replace them with public health coverage * Sweetheart deals for Every State: It extends the "Louisiana Purchase", various provisions of the "Cornhusker kickback", carve outs for unions, and many more to every state . * Broken promises: Obama set several parameters, including that the bill would cost under $900 billion, not raise taxes on those making under $250,000, families' health insurance premiums will go down by $2,500 a year, and if individuals liked what they had they could keep it - however none of these promises are keppt.. They are broken twice over by President's rewrite of the Senate bill. Sign the Petition Now! http://tinyurl.com/yl32lyz Stand with JD Hayworth - The ONLY Conservative in the AZ Senate Race. Demand that Congress and the President Toss ObamaCare 3.0 in the TRASH -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- Cold War bunker for sale on eBay ------------ DERBY, England - Online bids for a British nuclear bunker dating back to the Cold War era are approaching $30,000 on eBay. The underground bunker, constructed in 1959 as a Royal Observer Corps post to monitor nuclear fallout, is advertised on eBay as a "rare opportunity the acquire a piece of Cold War history," The Telegraph on Sunday reported. Bidding for the Derbyshire, England, bunker reached $29,525 Monday after 39 bids. "The bunker is in a perfect location on farmland and offers the freedom of having your own land and bunker, but with the security of being on private land which is fenced and securely gated," the auction's description reads. Bidding closes on the property March 7. -- Scuba smuggler spotted in sewer ------------ DOUGLAS, Ariz. - U.S. Border Patrol officials in Arizona said someone outfitted in scuba gear was spotted in a sewer along the U.S.-Mexico border with two bundles of marijuana. The Border Patrol Douglas Station said a bike patrol was dispatched to a sewer outlet Friday after infrared cameras picked up signs of people illegally crossing into the United States from Mexico, The Arizona Republic reported. The agents said the bike patrol spotted someone in scuba gear wading through waist-high water with two bundles of marijuana. The person dropped the bundles and turned back toward Mexico upon seeing the agents, spokesman Omar Candelaria said. The bundles, containing 55 pounds of marijuana, were recovered by the agents. However, Candelaria said the smuggler evaded capture. -<>- >From The Archives Of 2008 Co0ffeBreak: Alleged drunken engineer nabbed by police An allegedly drunken engineer was caught by police in southwest Poland as he tried to speed away in his freight train, then allegedly offered them a bribe. The engineer, whose identity was not revealed, was reportedly heavily intoxicated when police stopped him before his train, which was transporting oil, managed to pick up speed, the Polish Web site news.pl reported Wednesday. The man allegedly offered 300 liters of oil to the officers to let him go. If convicted, the man faces two years in prison for driving under the influence of alcohol and another eight years for attempted bribery, news.pl said. The amount of alcohol in his blood was six times the legal limit, police alleged, which is 0.2 grams per liter, as recommended by the European Commission in Brussels. Two teens charged in poo-tossing incident Two O'Fallon, Mo., teens face third-degree assault and property damage charges for allegedly slinging a bag of feces that coated a pregnant woman in poop. Justin Keiser and Kyle Medley, both 17, were allegedly part of a group of six teenagers that concocted and executed the prank at a local Walgreens store, The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Wednesday. Police said Keiser masterminded the plan and drove the minivan that carried the teenagers to the store. Medley allegedly provided the feces. The bag struck a security scanner inside the entrance of the store, and its contents were sent flying into merchandise, a carpet and Ivette Geusz, a pregnant 37-year-old teacher. Geusz said some of the feces went into her mouth and she faces six months of tests to ensure she and her baby did not catch any diseases from the incident. "I'm glad they charged them," Geusz said. "I wish they could find more charges." She said Keiser and Medley came to her school to apologize, but she sent them away because she did not believe their remorse was genuine. "I'd love to see them in jail," she said. "I'd love to see that because what they did is just horrendous." Dead body used in check-cashing scheme New York police have detained two men who brought a dead body to a check-cashing business and attempted to cash the dead man's Social Security check. Police said the two men rolled the body of Virgilio Cintron, 66, down the street in an office chair and left him outside a window of the Pay-O-Matic check-cashing store while they attempted to convince the clerk that Cintron was waiting outside while they cashed the check, the New York Sun reported Wednesday. However, the clerk informed the men that Cintron would have to come inside to cash the check, and the two men were confronted outside the store by a police officer who was altered by passersby reacting to the sight of the dead body. Police said the men, identified as a roommate and a friend of the deceased, could face criminal impersonation or check fraud charges. ================================================================== spring is in the air... \ boooooh! \ / _/\_/\ __(\___/)___ (, (o\\/ \_/_ _ (__/ /` _ /\ ), (o \ /~ _//\ \___ /_ / \___ \_('|| ~ || \ \__,-' ~ || \ ||____||/ \ ||____||/ \ | === | \_\ | === | \_\ _| . |_/ ) _/| . |_/ ) _____ / | | / /\_____/ /| | / /\_______ | (_(| - (_(/ \_\| - \_\/ | | | | | | | | | ' | | ' | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |__'____| |__'____| | | || || || || | |b'ger____/ /\/ /\___________/ /\/ /\_________| (_(_(_(_/ /_/_/_/_/ >-->POLITICALLY CORRECT SCHOOL * No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired." * You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." * Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." * These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." * Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." * Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." *Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of- notebook experience." * You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing conscious- ness." * You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." * You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." * You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." * No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." * You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." * You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." * You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." * You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." * It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy trans- mission of near-factual information." * The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." ========================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/| / /######/ / | / /______/ / | ========================= /|| |_______________________|/ || | \****/ \__,,__/ || |===\**/ __,,__ || Joe Jacques |______________\====/%____|| | ___ /~~~~\ % / | _| |===|=== / \%_/ | | | |###| |########| | / |____\###/______\######/__|/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks." -<>- Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite." "It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance." -<>- /X \ _------_ / \ | | | | | __ __) | / \/ \ /\/\ (o )o ) /c \__/ --. \_ _-------' | / \ | | '\_______) Do Re Mi Beer - | \_____) |_____ | by Homer J. Simpson |_____/\/\ / \ unknown DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer. RAY... The guy that sells me beer. ME... The guy who drinks the beer FAR... The distance to my beer. SO... I think I'll have a beer. LA... La la la la la la beer. TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer. That will bring us back to... ...Looks into an empty glass and says... ___ _____ .'/,-Y" "~-. l.Y ^. /\ _\_ "Doh!" i ___/" "\ | /" "\ o ! l ] o !__./ \ _ _ \.___./ "~\ X \/ \ ___./ ( \ ___. _..--~~" ~`-. ` Z,-- / \ \__. ( / ______) \ l /-----~~" / Y \ / | "x______.^ | \ -Row j Y ->Homer<- -<>- A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?" The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really," he said with a heavy accent, "I just realized you actually came here for the food!" -<>- "Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son. "Bob," he said. "And what's your cat's name?" "Bob." "Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked. "Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered. "Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested. The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper." -<>- When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?" -<>- At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote." I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!" There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?" "You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head." "Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote." I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?" =============================================================== >-->From The MouthPiece: __________ |DAILY NEWS| |&&& ======| |=== ======| |=== == %%$| |[_] ======| |=== ===!##| ejm97 |__________| IMPORTANCE OF PROOF READING * IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord." * It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T- shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day. * There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting. * There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental. * In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the depart- ment is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake. * Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce. * In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error. * Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep." * In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers. * The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct. ============================================================= >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: (.,------...__ _.'" `. .' .' `, `. `. ` . .' .'/''--...__`. \ . .--.`. ' "-. '. | '' .' _.' .()) .--":/ ''( \_\ ' (()( ''._' ( \ ' ' `. `--' ' `.: . `-.___.' ' `. . _ _ .' ) .____.-' .'`. (--.. .' \ /\ / / `. .' \( \ /|/ `. .' \__/ `. / | o | \ | | | jro A boy had just pulled a large weed from the soil. When his mother said, "My, you were strong to get that out!" The boy answered, "I sure was, the whole earth had hold of it!" -<>- As the weather grew cooler, Grandmother reminded her four year old granddaughter, Talia, "Close the door. There's a cold draft coming in." Talia got a strange look on her face. A little apprehensive, but amazed and curious, she ran to the door and looked this way and that. Then, still curious but a little disappointed she turned to her grandmother and asked, "Where's the cold giraffe?" -<>- The kindergarten teacher asked her students what color they would get if they mixed blue and yellow. A little boy immediately shouted, "Green!" The teacher impressed with the quick response, asked the boy how he knew. "My mommy puts the blue stuff in the potty and when I do pee, it turns green." -<>- ,==o // // xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx // /_/ | x__[__]____ ______ //_.-._ | | |[___________] / + | //%.o-o-' '-'(_)= (_(_)(_) '-o---o-' n4biS Ray's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" Ray's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready." -<>- A little girl stared questioningly at her grandfather. Finally she asked, "Grandpa, were you on Noah's Ark?" The grandfather replied with a slight chuckle, "Of course not." Then the girl asked, "Then how come you didn't drown?" -<>- A teacher was explaining the story of Noah and his ark to her young students. She asked the class if they thought Noah did a lot of fishing during the flood. "No," said a bright boy, "he only had two worms." -<>- Q: John F. wrote to ask, "Where and how did the term "laughing stock" originate; as in, ‘He was the laughing stock of the department.’" A: Good one. I hadn’t thought of that one before. Here’s what I found. The phrase "laughing stock" comes from the ridicule of those placed in "stocks" as punishment. According to the Random House Unabridged Dictionary the phrase appeared in print before Shakespeare was born, although Shakespeare did use the expression in Merry Wives of Windsor. SIR HUGH EVANS [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not be laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. -<>- ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy >Why English Teachers Have Nightmares Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. 28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. ======================================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: >Missing Church A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning sevice. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor saids. "Well, Rev'rund", the farmer replied,"I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay." -<>- I know that this may not apply to your country but it certainly does in mine. It certainly is not this way in Zimbabwe right now if it ever was. In America we used to appreciate the little that we had. It seems now that so many of us can only think of what we don't have and want. May the Lord help us to understand the secret to contentment that Paul explains in Philippians 4:11-13. -Keith the Fodder Guy >Choosy Beggars .-'''''-. |'-----'| /`-.....-`\ | <_} | | .-\-. | _,._ | /# ` \ | __.-` `"""-. | \ / | ..--' `"-. `)_,._ \ '-'-' / (` )--.-"``` `"-.`'-----'` '-----------' ( ) jgs `-------------` Long ago, when I was a Washington D.C. latchkey kid, my mother would leave a couple dollars and a list for me to go to the store after school. I'd walk down New Hampshire Avenue to "our"grocery store, load a basket, cross my fingers I'd have enough money not have to put anything back -- then carry my bounty home in a double brown bag. Forty years later I shop in a suburban megamarket forty times larger than that humble grocery store. Between leaving my empty van and returning to fill it with our family's food supply I walk at least a mile, browsing aisles brimming with an assortment of food fit for a king: a dozen apple varieties, a hundred imported cheeses, scores of pasta possibilities, frozen foods galore, an astonishing assortment of breads and an ever-more-outrageous array of ice creams. These days, grocery shopping is more an art form than a survival tactic -- each grocery cart a highly personal expression of all we fancy ourselves to be. But oh, how much we've lost -- even as we've gained! It hit me the other morning. In a mustard aisle meltdown, I nearly collapsed beneath the weight of all my choices. A multitude of specialty items -- my cart in standby mode, my hand reaching, then hesitating, the labels becoming a blur. So many mustards, so little time! A similar panic that afternoon at the post office trying to buy a hundred 37 cent stamps. The clerk offered me a vast selection from which to choose -- including Audrey Hepburn, a pair of mallards, Mary Cassatt miniature artworks, Stop Family Violence, and creepy, crawly reptiles. "What about a roll of regular stamps?" I pleaded, the better to avert the mind-numbing selection process: Which stamp would send the right message to my editors? Which would be the perfect expression of Me? That evening I was in the throes of comparing cell phone rate plans when my LVHS junior son Zach brought me a veritable catalogue from which to order his design-your-own senior ring -- 12 models, 10 colors, five cuts of stones and fifty (count 'em!) possible side engravings. The selection took us an hour. Overcome with nostalgia, I spent the rest of the evening searching for and finding my own high school ring. The stone was blue -- our official school color -- the sides engraved with the O'Connell High insignia and 1965. That year our only choice was to order the boy's ring or the more diminutive girl's version. I don't remember feeling shortchanged at all. By contrast, today I feel ripped off, seeing how my most precious resource -- time -- is stolen steadily away with each meaningless decision I make. I'm remembering with fondness the '50s grocery where I chose between white bread and brown, red apples and green, American and Swiss, dill and sweet. Only two mustards graced the shelf then: the regular and its first racy cousin. Today I grab the original like a lifeline, determined to negotiate the remaining aisles of this Vanity Fair with as much detachment as I can muster. And now with extra minutes to ponder the things that matter, I'm seeing there's something even more maleficent than the moments we lose as our marketplace mushrooms. There's the deception by which our sense of freedom shifts from inalienable rights to economic choices -- thus becoming largely an illusion, based on which car you drive, detergent you use or hamburger you eat. Have it your way! The more options Americans have, the more our need for self -determination is sated by stupid choicees like stamps and mustard and rings -- the less fire we have for the choices our government continues to withhold (school vouchers) or begins to take away (gun ownership, religious expression). In Pilgrim's Progress, John Bunyan notes that we cannot avoid Vanity Fair unless we leave this world. But we can pass through without getting caught up in the lust of the marketplace if, as his hero Christian says, we only buy the truth. The truth is that there is only one decison that really matters: "Then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." (Joshua 24:15) When I focus on that choice, the others fade in importance -- and I'm reminded that when it comes to options, sometimes less is more. -- Barbara Curtis With thanks to Plain Truth Ministies http://www.ptm.org/ The Christian Challenge and Blessing Email Service. To subscribe to this free service send a message with "subscribe" in the subject field to liverite@charter.net. This post is brought your way by Sermon Fodder and Joke A Day Ministries. To subscribe drop a note to Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or to ajokeaday7-subscribe@topica.com. Please leave this attached if you forward this to friends. ===================================================================== >-->Fun Places To Net Visit :) Texas Outhouse Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/outhouse.html Pencil Furniture http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pencilf.html Japan's Crop Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cropart.html Amazing Air Cars http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/aircars.html Awesome School http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gschool.html Life's Little Oops 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops2.html Strange Hotels http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hotel.html -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Baby Boomer Women http://www.boomergirl.com/ Disney Character Bushes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/disneybush.html Ripley's - Believe It or Not! http://www.ripleys.com/ Olympic http://www.buffaloschips.com/es3.htm Perception http://www.buffaloschips.com/lkj89.htm Person Of The Week http://www.buffaloschips.com/ksdaa.htm Puppy VS Mirror http://www.buffaloschips.com/sjdskjd.htm Recession USA http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdklslkw.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com =================================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best known ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to lift. They called her the nutcracker." --Jay Leno "Welcome to the "Late Show". Some of these jokes will require some assembly." --Dave Letterman "Nearly 75 percent of older Americans say they’re in favor of legalizing medical marijuana. You thought Grandma’s house smelled funny before..." -Jay Leno The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Hollywood is ruled by fear and love of money, but it can't rule me because I'm not afraid of anything and I don't love money. -- Marlon Brando A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work. -- John Lubbock The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. -- Robert Frost "Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice that many people have been able to overcome." --Winston Churchill NORA CHARLES (Myrna Loy): "They say you were shot in the tabloids." NICK CHARLES (William Powell): "They never got near my tabloids." --THE THIN MAN, 1934 [Hey, this was racy stuff for 1934.] OTIS B. DRIFTWOOD (Groucho Marx): "It's alright, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause." FIORELLO (Chico Marx): "You can't fool me! There ain't no Sanity Claus." --A NIGHT AT THE OPERA, 1935 OSCAR MADISON (Walter Matthau): "I cannot stand little notes on my pillow! 'We are all out of cornflakes, F.U.' It took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Unger." --THE ODD COUPLE, 1968 >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Pass this on as it should be of interrest to all who served. The study was carried out in Austrialia on their Vietnam Veterans. ABC Nat. Radio Health Report Autralian Vietnam Vets: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/HealthReportVV.mp3 VV ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************