Irish Humor And More ... :) Shangy!
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================
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~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~
.---.
/ ,-- \
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,' \ (.-`-'(_) / `.
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| ! |-'-| : ""T"" : |-'-| | |
| |-' `-'| H |`-' `-| |
`-' | H .:| `-'
| . H !||
| : H :!|
| ! H !||
| | H |||
| | H ||| Ojo 98
/_,'V.L|.\
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| (_(_) | | | |_) )| (_) | | | | (_) )| || ( (_)| |/ / |/ | (_(_)
_\__ \ | | | __/ | _ | | | | / | || | _ | , < ' _\__ \
( )__) | | | _ | | | | | | | | | |\ \ | || (_( )| |\ \ ( )__) |
\_____) (_)(_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)(_) \___/ (_) (_) \_____)
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(____/ (_) (_) (_) (_)
May the good saints protect you
And bless you today
And may troubles ignore you
Each step of the way
================
>2 Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
We have two sizzlin' hotties today! Both come from forwards from
our friend Viv. This first one caught me off guard and made me
chuckle. I couldn't resist doing it up! Check it out here...
,-.
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;. ,'`-' _,)
,' :. _.-','
,' . . ( /
; .:' .. `-/
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,',' . . . .\,'..__
,',' .:. ' ,\ `\)``
`-\_..---``````-'-.`.:`._/
,' '` .` ,`- -. ) `--..`-..
`-...__________..-'-.._ \
``--------..`-._ ```
`` SSt
Sweet Little Pad
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/homepad.html
This next one is another interesting and heartwarming tale. It
involves a british hen named Mabel and a new litter of pups.
Check it out here...
xx
/ .|_
/(_)_< --- cack cack!
/ (
((____.-' )
\\ /
\'-.-.-'`/ -Miss.Kitty-
_ \______/
(_) _|_\_
''''''''''''''''
Mabel The Chicken
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chicken.html
---
...I absolutely loved these! Thanks Viv! You are such a blessing!
==================================================================
>-->From The FunnyBone: A Cook's Dictionary
Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the
hand.
Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest
bathroom.
_
_ H Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions
/ \ / \ for preparing ingredients you forgot
\( | | | .-| to buy in utensils you don't own to
OOOO| | | |_| make a dish the dog won't eat the
___OOOO|_|_|___|_ rest of.
|____OO___________|
j/\/\/O/\/\/\/\/\/| Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates
g\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\| present in one form or another in all
s/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/| food. Common sources of sugar and
\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ the types they contain are:
`'============='` fructose and glucose (fruit juice and
honey); lactose (milk); sucrose
(sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose,
morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).
Taste: 1) The ability to distinguish between, say, tripes a la
mode de Caen and chocolate pudding.
2) The critical discernment necessary to choose the
chocolate pudding.
Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a
particular dish is overcooked.
=====================================================================
+----------- Even More Bizarre March Holidays ------------+
March 21 is Fragrance Day
March 22 is National Goof-off Day
March 23 is National Organize Your Home Office Day and
National Chip and Dip Day
March 24 is National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
March 25 is Pecan Day and Waffle Day
March 26 is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach
Festival Day
March 27 is National "Joe" Day
March 28 is Something On A Stick Day
March 29 is Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day
March 30 is I Am In Control Day
March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The
Half Shell Day
================================================================
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>-->Irish Humor:
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
-<>-
>Two married friends are out drinking…
One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been
drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go
up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my
shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do
everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying
out late."
His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the
front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump
into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about it baby?" She
always pretends she's asleep."
-<>-
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the
Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever
gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general
knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager
collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick
the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he
had 'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
-<>-
Jimy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.
"We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the
Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99
pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the
Post Office Tower and jumped off.
He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a
passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he
replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
-<>-
My wife and I were eating in a restaurant the other day, when A fella
walked up to me and through a prawn cocktail over me, I said what was
that for, he replied, "thats just for starters"
-<>-
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper
article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant
purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500
but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The
Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or
Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's
brain has never been used.'
-<>-
A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is
someone you can call to help you move a body.
-<>-
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly
wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the
strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no
avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi
can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have
to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
====================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Johanna :)
,-`"-=')
=/////// ,==
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`-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._)
gpyy
>Alas, where has all our innocence gone?
****
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled
an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the
receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was
thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his
mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the
stroller too..'
*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy,
came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was
intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those,
but I don't think she knows how to use them..'
*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I
got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with
your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like
you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all
those things anyway.'
*****
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room
to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that,
the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
*****
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to
my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they
get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my
grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up
something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down
and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I
told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's
a war going on over there?'
*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken
with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at
a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a
famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'
Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade
carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
God's Problem Now**:**
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little,
old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.
---
...TeeHee! Good ones! Thanks Johanna!
=====================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Wesley :)
____
|| |
||___|
_)__<__ _ _
|____|__|:|___|:|_
| |_.---._|___|
_ | o| | | |_o_|
| || |/| |\| |
|_||____|`\___/'|___|
V
_/-\_
fs
>Ten Laws of Computing
1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your
computer, it's probably obsolete.
2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens,
behave as though you meant it to happen.
3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
4. The first place to look for information is in the section of
the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even
more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely
what you want it to do.
---
...HaHa - Oh, so true! Thanks Wesley!
==================================================================
>-->In The WorldlyNews:
>From Patriot Update:
{POLITICS]
ObamaCare Imposes $2.5 Trillion In New Taxes
http://tinyurl.com/yfrj6zt
Liberalism Truly is a Mental Disorder: I love confrontational talk
radio. Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Laura Ingraham, and, of course, the
king of the AM airwaves, Rush Limbaugh.
http://tinyurl.com/ygcz3je
-<>-
>From Conservative Outpost:
Americans Not Buying Obama's Health Care Snake Oil
http://tinyurl.com/ylxwlrd
ACTION ALERT: Tell Congress NO to ObamaCare
http://www.bit.ly/2H37Ar
Railroading Toyota
http://www.conservativeoutpost.com/railroading_toyota
Rogue Government! Democrat Runaway - Fatal Attraction
http://tinyurl.com/yz66vd8
-<>-
>From Christian Coalition:
Critical House vote coming up on ObamaCare
http://www.cc.org/olcta/stop_government_takeover
-<>-
>From BizzareNews:
."`".
.-./ _=_ \.-.
{ (,(oYo),) }}
{{ | " |} }
{ { \(---)/ }}
{{ }'-=-'{ } }
{ { }._:_.{ }}
{{ } -:- { } }
jgs {_{ }`===`{ _}
((((\) (/))))
-- Man in gorilla suit helps nab suspect ---------
CANTERBURY, England - British police said a kick from a
man in a gorilla suit helped police catch a suspect flee-
ing from a fight at a supermarket. Canterbury police said
a 24-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of assault and
resisting arrest -- with the help of Andy Ingham, 30, who
was dressed in a gorilla suit on a street corner Feb. 18
to promote his gym, Fit4Less, to commuters, Kentnews.co.uk
reported. "Obviously I had the gorilla suit on and had my
hands full of bags as well," Ingham said. "The policewoman
ran up the bridge and there was this guy running over the
bridge. "The police officer tried to arrest him, at which
point he tried to resist -- he grabbed her and slammed her
into the side of the bridge," Ingham said. "Then the man
started running towards us and the police officer shouted
'assistance please!'" Ingham delivered a kick to the
suspect's legs that did not take the man down, but slowed
him enough for police to catch up and arrest him. Police
said they are appealing to the public for information
about the Feb. 18 fight at Tesco supermarket.
-- Police: 'Body hair' put in officer's food --------
EVESHAM, N.J. - Police in New Jersey said they charged a
restaurant cook with aggravated assault for concealing a
"body hair" in food prepared for an officer. Authorities
said Ryan Burke, 26, of Stratford, was working Feb. 21 at
Good Foods to Go in Evesham when he concealed the "body
hair" on a bagel sandwich made for a police officer,
whose name was not released, The Courier Post, Cherry
Hill, N.J., reported Thursday. Burke was arrested and
charged with aggravated assault, food tampering and
retaliation for a past official action. Burke, who denies
the accusation, said he was arrested by the officer in
March 2009 for failing to pull over during a traffic stop.
However, he said the officer is a regular at the restaurant
and there had been no previous incidents. "I think that
this is absurd," said Burke, who was fired from the
restaurant following the incident. "They decided to ruin
my life."
-<>-
>From Archives 2007 CoffeeBreak:
Balloonists cover 1,063 miles
Two Americans navigated their hot-air balloon from New
Mexico to Canada, winning the distance competition of the
Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. Co-pilots Andy
Cayton and Stuart Enloe, both of Georgia, covered 1,063
miles during their 61-hour aerial adventure, winding up at
a farm near Kipling, Saskatchewan, about 94 miles southeast
of Regina, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported Monday.
Their nearest competitor managed just 471 miles, putting
down in Kansas. Cayton told CBC News they hadn't aimed to
reach Canada when they set out last week but when they
reached North Dakota the winds picked up. "It worked out
well," Cayton said. "We were the only balloon to go due
north."
Robbery for Dummies: Take the cash
Someone may want to tell three seemingly hapless robbers
in North Carolina that the point of a robbery is to take
the cash, not leave it behind. The three men walked into
a convenience store, pointed a shotgun at the clerk and
took the money from the cash register and stowed it in a
bag, the Greensboro News & Record reported Monday. But
wanting to make a quick getaway, they left the bag
containing $400 sitting on the counter, police said.
Police said they believe the men used the bag to carry
any money they could take from the store.
Aussie motorists flaunt phone laws
Motorists in Melbourne are still ignoring safety campaigns
and the possibility of stiff penalties for talking on their
mobile phones while driving. A new survey of 20,000
motorists indicates the number Australians seen chatting
on their cell phones while behind the wheel of their moving
vehicle has stayed about the same over the past five years.
The study by researchers from Austin Health, published in
the Medical Journal of Australia, found 1.6 percent of
drivers surveyed were on handheld phones compared with
1.8 percent in 2002. However the head of the study group,
Professor David Taylor, says the fact more people now owned
a cell phone should be taken into account. The survey in
2002 was among 17,000 drivers compared to the 20,207
motorists observed in 2006, he said. "There were a whole
stack more of mobile phones actually in the cars that we
observed," Taylor said. "So drivers had more of an
opportunity to use their mobiles, yet the rate decreased
slightly, which is encouraging."
============================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
_,__ .:
Darwin <* / | \
.-./ |. : :,
/ '-._/ \_
/ ' \
.' *: Brisbane
.-' ;
| |
\ /
| /
Perth \* __.--._ /
\ _.' \:. |
>__,-' \_/*_.-'
Melbourne
snd :--,
'/
(The most popular joke in Australia)
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much
worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take
a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at
myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled
up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-
shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my
face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then
calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing
wrong with your eyesight."
-<>-
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits
of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was
a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle
of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number
three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
-<>-
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day
he surprised the teacher with an announcement.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to
scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better
grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
-<>-
Q: What is the name of King Arthur's knight that created the
round table?
A: Sir Cumference.
Taryn (was almost too embarrassed to put my name.)
[And you should be, Taryn, you should be.]
-<>-
(Funniest joke in the United Kingdom)
,=""=,
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/ ^~~^\ <=.,__/ '}=
(_/ ,, ,,) \_ _>_/~
~\_(/-\)'-,_,_,_,-'(_)-(_) -Naughty
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've
ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up
there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for
you."
-<>-
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch
a local Little League baseball game that was being played
in a park near my home.
As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I
asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile on
his face.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very dis-
couraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look. "Why should
we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be
testing the speaker system to make sure it will work pro-
perly in case of emergency."
My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the
voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement,
please contact us."
[Contributed to Reader's Digest.]
-<>-
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On the subject of killer kangaroos, I've done a little
searching in FBI files under the Freedom of Information
Act. Turns out a few years ago, the Russians were looking
to save money, as paying soldiers was getting to be a real
dilemma. They were training a bunch of kangaroos how to
shoot, in the hopes the roos would be a cost-effective way
to wage war. The FBI called them kangarooskies. --pacman
[You're going to pay for this one, pacman. In this life or
the next...you're going to pay.]
================================================================
>-->DEFUNITIONS: -From George Reis Via: Pun American Newsletter
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall
Burglarize: What a thief sees you with.
Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of cash.
Primate: What you have to do to get your husband away from TV.
Misty: What Tiger Woods never does.
Subdued: Like a guy who works on one of those submarines, man.
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Eye Dropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
[Thanks to Syman's JOKE OF THE DAY.]
================================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was,
you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter, mail it and it would arrive
at its destination in two days.
Now you put a fourty-four-cent stamp on a letter and it can take four to
six weeks to arrive.
. . . Still about a penny a day!"
-<>-
>Drawbacks of Cubicles
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in
a box all day long!
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning
around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from
any kind of gunfire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button,
you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out!
-<>-
..-------------------.__
.'_______ `-.
// .-----.\.--------..--------.\
||' __'|| || || || __
||' .=(_ )|| ====== || ==.| ||( _)
||'| \\||________||________||//
||'------\) ,--======\\======-._/
____|| |/ = = `-.
_____________ ||'==. || ...... = = `-.
`=============`|| ||_ /////.--. = = `. .--.
| .---. || | .----|==| \ \ \ \|==|
| .' `. || | .' '--'. |-. | | .-|'--'`.
.' \ || .' `. |-.'-|=|-'.-| \
/ .-==-. \|| / _.----. \ |-.'-|=|-'.-| |
| .' .---. `. ||| .-' .---. `. | |-.'-|=|-'.-| |
| / .`.- -.`. \ '\_`---- / .`.- -.`. \ | ' '-|=|-' '_____/
[|_|/ / _ \ \|__________| / / _ \ \ `_____.......-----'_____]
; : / \ : ;'----------'; : / \ : ;[_____.......-----'; :
: ; \_/ ; : \ / / ; : \_/ ; : \ \ / /
\ \ / /. `- -` . \ \ / / LGB . `- -` .
. `- -` . `-----` . `- -` . `-----`
`-----` `-----`
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A REDNECK WHEN ....
1. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas is in it.
2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in- laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch
this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
18. You think that rural mass transportation means how many hitchhikers
you can fit in the back of your pickup.
19. You use the word chew as a noun as well as a verb.
-<>-
..,;;;;,.
.:((()()())):.
:(()"'"'""'()):
.:()"<*>.<*>"():.
:())) ._. ((():
(())\ -=- /(()) ___________
.'(()) - (())('. | |
/ ))\ /(( \ | My # is |
______/ /( \_/ ) \ \______/ unlisted |
________( : )_________| okay? |
\____._._____/ |__________|
)===[]===(
/ \
Tim Campbell
>Southern Rules:
This is very "Southern" and funny. If you are offended, it is not my
responsibility. In the South, we make fun of ourselves.
If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the
rules.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner's mind,
the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a
Southern State.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than
you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,
don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The big
lumps of it -- they're called "clods."
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get
you whipped - by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for - bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers,
and wear your hair long, go right ahead - but if we call you ma'am,
don't be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up
to your ear at the time.
10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what
you paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak. Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of ham and turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet.
You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot
of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.
14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a
year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go
to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our
seniors with 'yes, sir' and 'yes, ma'am', and we sometimes still take
Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
18. We don't do 'hurry up' well.
19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil
them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.
20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want
sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick
one.
22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on
them. You want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of
wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
23. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season or dove season.
Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.
24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough,
we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball
players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot - his name is 'Sir,' no matter how young he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all 4 of
them - enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for
beating up the flag burner.
Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize - 'visit'
** GOD BLESS AMERICA **
-<>-
,,, _,_ _@_ _(_ _?_ >*<
_/. .\_ _/- -\_ _/, ,\_ _/' '\_ _/a a\_ _/. .\_
(.\_o_/.) (.\_-_/.) (,\_e_/') (.\_^_/.) (.\_~_/') (.\_c_/.)
(.`,.`'.') (.`,.'.'.) (.`'.,'.') ('.,'.`'.) (.'.,'.`.) (.,'.,'',)
('.`,'`,) ('.`,'',) ('.','.`) ('.,'.',) ('.,'.`.) (',.'`.,)
('.`,'`) ('.','`) (.'.,'.) ('.`.,') ('.','') (.'.'.')
jgs `--'"` `--'"` `--'"` `--'"' `--'"' `--'"'
The Birth Names
1. Asa Yoelson became Al Jolson.
2. Milton Berlinger became Milton Berle.
3. Fanny Borach became Fanny Brice.
4. Bernard Schwartz became Toni Curtis.
5. Bobby Zimmerman became Bob Dylan.
6. Ethel Zimmerman became Ethel Merman.
7. Elliot Goldstein became Elliot Gould.
8. Israel Balibne became Irving Berlin.
9. Sephanie Federkrewcz became Stephanie Powers.
10. Belle Silverman became Beverly Sills.
11. Betty Joan Perske became Lauren Bacall.
12. Nathan Birnbaum became George Burns.
13. David Daniel Kaminsky became Danny Kaye.
14. Edward Israel Iskowitz became Eddie Cantor.
15. Benjamin Kubelsky became Jack Benny.
16. Michael Orowitz became Michael Landon.
17. Allen Stewart Konigsberg became Woody Allen.
18. Issue Danielovitch Demsky became Kirk Douglas.
19 Sophia Kalish became Sophie Tucker.
20. Joseph Gottleib became Joey Bishop.
21. Natasha Gurdin became Natalie Wood.
22. Lyova Geisman became Lee Grant.
23. Joyce Penelope Frakenburg became Jane Seymour.
24 Joseph Levitch became Jerry Lewis.
25. Melvin Kaminsky became Mel Brooks.
26. Elaine Berlin became Elaine May.
27. Michael Peschkowsky became Mike Nichols.
28. Gerald Silberman became Gene Wilder.
29. Jacob Cohen became Rodney Dangerfield.
30. Joan Molinsky became Joan Rivers.
31. Borge Rosenbaum became Victor Borge.
32. Amos Jacob became Lee J Cobb.
33. Lazio Lowenstein became Peter Lorre.
34. Emanual Goldenberg became Edward G. Robinson.
35. George W. Bush became President.
36. Barack Hussein Obama became America's change.
=================================================================
>-->From AndyChaps:
_
.--(-. -`-_..'
' ' /)'-.`. .'
c' ^ ^ ' `_) `-_)'
'. `--''_ `) \ BP
.'`----' `. \..'
' /'.*o
`. '\_o*
'. -__`--'
coo_n baby and bottle
** Mother's Milk **
A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned
from her maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail:
Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the
refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it.
I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a
cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand
identity.
Just be aware that THAT milk was EXPRESSLY for my son, if you get my
drift.
I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee
tasted just a little bit better this morning, you might think about
calling your mom and telling her you love her.
-<>-
** Why Didn't You Come In Sooner **
Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when
she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his
early 60's asked the elderly lady---"Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?"
For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and
then she said--"You ask me how I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm
feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast
and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!"
The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion. "If you're
feeling so awful, why don't you come and see me right away?"
Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just waiting until I
felt a little better."
-<>-
___
_[___]_ _
( " ) [_]
'--(`~:~`)--|'
/ `-:-' \ |
__.--\ : /--.
.'` jgs '-----' '-.._
** All I Need to Know about Life
I Learned From a Snowman.... "
It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a
song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down
and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
-<>-
____
/(( ))
( )6 6( )
(_) l (_)
\ <> )
____) (_____
( \____/ )
) ( )( ) (
/ / \ / \ \
/ / \ / \ \
\ \ )==( / /
\ \ / \ / /
'\\/ \//'
'|\` '|\`
\ /
\ /
) (
jgs/akg / \
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ \
`-...., ,..-'
`-..-'
** Doctor's Advice **
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous
specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
The patient answered, "My local General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time! Tell me, what
sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
When you mock and debase others you lower yourself not them
-<>-
** Better To Be Safe Than Sorry **
<< ...In a study **EXPERIENCE COUNTS IN OBESITY LAPAROSCOPY** found a
need for more training of surgeons in the use of laparoscopy techniques.
Laparoscopic gastric bypass, which is faster than regular surgery,
shortens hospital stays and reduces complications, is becoming very
popular but the study finds the best outcomes and fewest complications
come with surgeons who had performed more than 75 procedures. >>
Hmmmmm. I wonder what happened to the surgeons first 75 patients on
which he performed this procedure???
So you'd better ask him when considering this surgery... Hey Doc, how
many have you done???
If he says, Ummmm.... lets see... I'm doing 6 today, you are number 5 on
my schedule today. That makes you number 75. Then me thinks you'd
better cancel or ask to be switched to last on his schedule that day.
Then you'll be number 76 and be safe and ensure a good surgucal
procedure. Ahem!!!
But then, after doing 5 that day, he may be so tired that he may screw
up number 76, and that would be you!!!
Oh me!!! What to do???? Cancel and get out opf there just as fast as
you can... is what I would do! yuk! yuk! yuk!
-<>-
=_
(\ _ (\ _ ||\
(\ _ (\ _ ( \ c (\ _ ( \ c |||\ _ /)
( \ c ( \ c (/(\/ ( \ c (\ _ (/(\/ ||||\O/ )
(/(\/ (/(\/ /| (/(\/ ( \ c /| ||||\/\ )
/| /| / | /| (/(\/ / | ||||// \ )
/ | / | /__| / | /| /__| |||/ __\|
/__| /__| " /__| / | " |__: //| |
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( \ c (\ _ (/(\/ \ _ /) -\ _ /)
(/(\/ ( \ c /| ___ \O / ) - \O / )
/| (/(\/ / | / \/|) ) ( & )/)\)
/ | /| /__| | ./||\ ) _____ -\/|\
/__| / | " \___/ | \ /\ | (_) | \
" /__| /|\ |__\ -- | |__\
(\ _ " " /|\ "
( \O ______________ (\ _ /)
( /\/ (\_-_____________) ( \O/@ ) (\_ /)
( / \_( \O /___________| ( _|/_ ) \ _ /) ( O @ )
|/__ ( /_oo-#= | (/( )_\ \-O/ ) _ /) ( \|_ )
| |\\ :|(/| \/ _ /) ;/_)_(_ \_\ ) O/ ) ( / |_\
(\ _ ||__ |O/ ) _( ) \|\) /| ) / ( )
( \O / | |\\ =#-@@| ) / / / __\ / |\ ) ;/__)_(
( /_oo-#= \/ |\ ) _ /) //| | __||V ( )
(/| \/ __||V ___O / ) //| | _ /) /_|_|
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\ _ /) __||V //| | \(/|\)
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=#-(_X_)/)\) // | |
\/ |\
| \
|__\
"
** 10 More Commandments **
* The extra ten commandments
11. Thou shall not worry,
for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
12. Thou shall not be fearful,
for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
13. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them,
for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
14. Thou shall face each problem as it comes.
You can only handle one at a time anyway.
15. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you,
for they make very poor bedfellows.
16. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems.
They can better care for them than you can.
17. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill,
it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be
happy now!
18. Thou shall be a good listener,
for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It
is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people
do know more than you do.
19. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration,
for most of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with
positive action.
20. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones,
for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one
-<>-
** A Right Number **
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In
going to answer it, she tripped on the rug, grabbed for something to
hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash,
jarring the receiver off the hook.
As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and
barking. The woman's three-year old son, startled by the noise, broke
into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally
managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time
to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, 'Nobody's said
hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number!'
~~~-Top-Greetings.Com
-<>-
** Groaners INC. **
** They've designed a new automobile intended only for bucking traffic
during rush hours on the nation's throughways. It's called a
stationary wagon.
** An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392
clocks. The nephew now is busy winding up the estate.
** A high school dropout landed a job that takes a lot of guts. He puts
strings on electric guitars.
-<>-
** Asking For Me ** (A special for my Son, says Andy)
Trying to disguise his voice, Steve calls his ex-wife and asks to
speak to himself.
Jane, his former wife says, "Steve, look, we are not married anymore --
quit bothering me!"
Next day, Steve calls again, resulting in the same sequence of events.
The following day though when he called, his ex-wife Jane said, "Listen
Bozo. I told you we're divorced, split, it's over -- period ! Why do
you keep calling here?"
"Well Jane," explains Steve, "it's just that I can't hear that often
enough."
-<>-
** A Better Fit **
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-serve gas
station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had
left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked but, sure
enough, it was lost...
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must
have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by
the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap,
he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap.
He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that
fits. And this one's even better because it locks."
-<>-
** Short Take **
Three people had to go before a lie detector.
USA man - I can eat 40 hamburgers.
The detector went off - buzzzzzzzz.
He came down - I can eat four. The detector was silent.
2. THE British- I can drink 40 bottles of beer.
The detector went off, buzzzzzzzzz.
He said, I can drink four bottles of beer. The machine was silent.
3. The Aussy said, "I think."
The machine went off, buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
-<>-
__|__ |___| |\
|o__| |___| | \
|___| |___| |o \
_|___| |___| |__o\
/...\_____|___|____\_/
\ o * o * * o o /
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
unknown
** ** The Christopher Columbus Quotes:
Columbus found a world, and had no chart, Save one that faith
deciphered in the skies.
-- George Santayana
Columbus had all the spirit of a crusader, and, at the same time, the
investigating nature of a modern man of science.
-- Edmund Arthur Helps
Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.
Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.
-- unknown
We shall be inclined to pronounce the voyage that led to the way to this
New World as the most epoch-making event of all that have occurred since
the birth of Christ.
-- John Fiske
For all mankind that unstained scroll unfurled, Where God might write
anew the story of the World.
-- Edward Everett Hale
With this humble instrumentality did it please Providence to prepare the
theatre for those events by which a new dispensation of liberty was to
be communicated to man.
-- Edward Everett
He gained a world; he gave that world Its grandest lesson: "On! sail
on!"
-- Joaquin Miller
He stands in history as the completer of the globe.
-- John Sterling
He stands out among the beacon lights of history as a man of vision
dominated by a definite purpose.
-- John George Jones
He leaves in the background of fame all other navigators whose names are
written in the priceless annals of discovery.
-- Emilio Castelar
-<>-
'\ . . |>18>>
\ . ' . |
O>> . 'o |
\ . |
/\ . |
/ / .' |
jgs^^^^^^^`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** For The Game Of "GOLF" Think About this **
- If you really want to get better at goolf, go back and take it up at a
much earlier age.
- When you look up, causing an awful shoot, you will always look down
again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if
you ever want to see it again.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas
about the golf swing.
- A golf match is a test of your skill aagainst your opponent's luck.
- Counting on your opponent to inform yoou when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
- The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large
tree.
- There are two kinds of bounces: unfairr bounces and bounces that are
just the way you meant to play them.
- You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 perccent of the time and a
two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
- Every time a golfer makes a birdie, hee must subsequently make two
triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
- Hazards attract; fairways repel.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 550 yards away is not yours.
- If there is a ball in the fringe and aa ball in the bunker, your
ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the
footprint.
- Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
========================================================================
>-->Fun Places To Net Visit :)
World's Fastest Cars
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/fastcars.html
Chevy Selling It!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chevysi.html
Strange Buildings
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/buildings.html
Mountain Biking
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mountainbiking.html
Hiking In China
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trail.html
Amazing Bike Car
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bikecar.html
Awesome School
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gschool.html
Look Who's Talking Too!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/talking2.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend Wesley :)
Theopedia
http://www.theopedia.com/Main_Page
Strange Worlds on the Behance Network
http://tinyurl.com/yzxxwwj
“New” Japanese Tow Trucks — Motorcycles
http://tinyurl.com/nkc6n9
Atlantica Undersea Colony -
Application Process for Colonist Position in Atlantica
http://underseacolony.com/core/colonist.html
---
...Very Interesting! Thanks Wesley!
-<>-
>From LynnLynn's Links:
Happy New Year
http://www.buffaloschips.com/76tg.htm
Hard Day
http://www.buffaloschips.com/o8u.htm
Helicopter
http://www.buffaloschips.com/09i.htm
Hilarious Prank
http://www.buffaloschips.com/5t6r.htm
Hombres
http://www.buffaloschips.com/juyg.htm
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
===============================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"I like Yorkshire terriers. They're good to wash your car
with. They fit right in the bucket." --Billiam Coronel
"I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of
them over my mouth." --Wendy Liebman
"When I fly I always fly first class. Not the whole way but
just 'til they kick me out." --Pauly Shore
"I don't know why a woman would be ticked off if you gave her
a 56-piece socket-wrench set with a 72-tooth reversible
ratchet, but thrilled if you give her a tiny, very expensive
vial of liquid with a name like 'L'essence de Nooquie Eau de
Parfum de Cologne de Toilette,' which, to the naked male
nostril, does not smell any better than a stick of Juicy Fruit.
All I'm saying is that this is the kind of thing women want."
--Dave Barry
-<>-
May your pockets be heavy-
Your heart be light
And may good luck pursue you
Each morning and night
-<>-
Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
shine bright on your way.
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
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http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
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-->Pass this on as it should be of interrest to all who served.
The study was carried out in Austrialia on their Vietnam Veterans.
ABC Nat. Radio Health Report Autralian Vietnam Vets:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/HealthReportVV.mp3
VV
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-->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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