John's Bad Day And More ... :) Shangy >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press! :) This too hot to handle one is from our friends Linda and Del. It is sure to tickle your funny bone! Check it out here... _.---,_ .' `'. \ __..-'\ }-"` \ /__,,..---.._| \ | |---..__ | / ``"-./ .'---...__ | .' ``"-./ ,--./...,,,__ / '--.'__ __```.-. /._ / ` ` ' `=/.-.|-._) | .-. .-. "\\ / || O| | O| ""=='_\ .-' '-'o '-' ""=\` `''--/- ""=-,\--._ .---|- ( ""=-. \` \ /`)"=."=|'-. '. _.-' ' "=|\| (`----` '="=|/ `-. "=/` '. =/ \ =| .-. |` "=| ( ~._ | "==| _.-~`\ \ ~. |'"="| _.-~ ) ; ~-.|.-._|_.-~ / / _-( /-.__ ( '._..--~~`/`/-'\-._ `~~- ; jgs /"=| |" =\~-...___.-~ /=" / | "==\ / = (_ \ "==\ ;="= `\_) =="\ All Occasion Cars! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/allcar.html --- ...Wow! Lots of unusual cars! Thanks Linda and Del! ======================================================= >-->From Our Friend GloriaB :) [in light of today's Ohio school shooting we share this] Columbine High School Murdered Student's Father 12 Years Later Columbine student's father 12 years later The following is a portion of the transcript: "Since the dawn of creation, there has been both good and evil in the hearts of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers. The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart. In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they are responsible for my daughter's death. Therefore, I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel's murder, I would be their strongest opponent. I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy -- it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies! Much of the blame lies here, in this room. Much of the blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers, themselves. I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best. Your laws ignore our deepest needs, Your words are empty air; You've stripped away our heritage, You've outlawed simple prayer. Now gunshots fill our classrooms, And precious children die. You seek for answers everywhere, And ask the question "Why?" You regulate restrictive laws, Through legislative creed. And yet you fail to understand, That God is what we need! "Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, mind, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs -- politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws. Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts. As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes, he did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America and around the world, to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School, prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him. To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA -- I give to you a sincere challenge. Dare to examine your own heart before casting the first stone! My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this country will not allow that to happen!" - Darrell Scott Do what the media did not - - let the nation hear this man's speech. Please send this out to everyone you can. God Bless "Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point" --- ...A sad reminder and another tragedy today. Thank You GloriaB! May God bless and help the families of all victims. ========== NOW ON WITH OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED SMILES ============ >-->From The FunnyBone: \\///// |6 6| ( _\ | Big John Doesn't Pay! | = | |\___/ ___/| |__ One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus /` | '----' |`\ garage, started his bus, and drove off along / | | \ the route. No problems for the first few /~% | ; \ stops. A few people got on, a few got off, / /\/ |`\ \ and things went generally well. \ \ | | / / `\ \| |/ /` At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a `\; |/` guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a (| |) wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. |_________| He glared at the driver and said, "Big John | | | doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. | | | |____|__| Did I mention that the driver was five feet \ | | three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he | ) ) was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big / | | John, but he wasn't happy about it. |___|__| \===|==| The next day the same thing happened. Big / `-.`-. John got on again, made a show of refusing jgs \______)__) to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. .----------------. Finally he could stand it no |_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I]___ longer. He signed up for body .::. | _ : ; _ ) building courses, karate, jgs ':::'' ='-(_)----------=-(_)-' judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass." ======================================================= +----------------- Bizarre Book Titles -------------------+ How to Avoid Huge Ships by John W. Trimmer Scouts in Bondage by Michael Bell Be Bold with Bananas by Crescent Books Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself by Dale L. Power The Flat-Footed Flies of Europe by Peter J. Chandler 101 Uses for an Old Farm Tractor by Michael Dregni Across Europe by Kangaroo by Joseph R. Barry 101 Super Uses for Tampon Applicators by Lori Katz and Barbara Meyer [HowStuffWorks, Inc.] =========================================================== >-->From Our Friend Jo Ann :) ,'-', :-----: (''' , - , ''') \ ' . , ` / \ ' ^ ? / \ ` - ,' `j_ _,' ,- -`\ \ /f ,- \_\/_/'- , `, , , /\ \ | / \ ', , f : :`, , <...\ , : ,- ' \,,,,\ ; : j ' \ \ :/^^^^' \ \ ; ''': \ -, -`.../ ' - -,`,--` \_._'-- '---: Storm >Bud the cowboy A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that? ” "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog. AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT. --- ...HaHa! Thanks Jo Ann! ====================================================== >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) My all time favorite President ! _ _.-'`-._ _ ;.'________'.; _________n.[____________].n_________ |""_""_""_""||==||==||==||""_""_""_""] |"""""""""""||..||..||..||"""""""""""| |LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI| |.. .. .. ..||..||..||..||.. .. .. ..| |LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI| ,,;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;,;;;,;;;,;;,, ;;jgs;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; >*YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN" *Thought you'd enjoy this! It's one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.**They won't believe this happened, but it ID.* *Harry & Bess **Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House. The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there. When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year. After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them. When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale." Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise." As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.* *Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting n untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale (cf. Illinois ). Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference! I say dig him up and clone him!* --- ...HaHa! Thanks PatDeE! ============================================================ >-->In The Worldly News: >From PatrioticUpdate: FEATURED NEWS: Wyoming lawmakers plan for total economic collapse http://patriotupdate.com/19082/wyoming-house-advances-doomsday-bill TODAY'S EXCLUSIVE: President Obama: The Great Deceiver http://patriotupdate.com/articles/president-obama-the-great-deceiver PETA Kills 95% of Animals They Rescue http://patriotupdate.com/19093/peta-kills-95-of-animals-they-rescue -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) ripped : peta facts ? http://goo.gl/swfzw -<>- >From ConservativeByte: Palin Is Right, Eliminate Death Panels http://tinyurl.com/6taqzx9 -<>- >From BizarreNews: John's Bad Day Talk about your bad day. 25-year-old John Knight was driving his Volvo station wagon down Church Street through San Francisco's Noe Valley neighborhood at about 10:30 in the morning when he came across a strange scene. A heavyset woman stood wrapped in a blanket, surrounded by medical personnel. Suddenly, the woman whipped the blanket off and threw it at the medics, revealing that she was completely naked, Knight said. Then she turned around and noticed Knight, still stopped and now shocked behind the wheel, about 50 feet away. "She walks directly to me," he said. "She walks up the hood of my car and she begins stomping on my windshield, completely naked." The woman, who Knight estimated to weigh about 250 pounds, cracked his windshield with the first stomp. She got a couple more in before plainclothes officers pulled her off and hand- cuffed her as she screamed, Knight said. Apparently the woman had stripped on a commuter train earlier in the morning for no good reason, and it was pure coincidence that Knight pulled up to that intersection at that exact moment. "They (the insurance company) didn't really know what to make of it." Knight said. *-- Police arrest fake Denny's manager --* MADISON, Wis. - Police in Madison, Wis., said they arrest- ed a man who claimed to have been sent by Denny's corporate offices and made himself a meal in the kitchen. Police said James Summers, 52, of Madison entered the restaurant around 4:30 p.m. Tuesday and told workers he had been sent by the corporate office and was immediately taking over the position of general manager, WISC-TV, Madison, reported Thursday. Workers said Summers began making himself a cheeseburger and fries in the restaurant's kitchen while the current manager phoned her supervisors. The manager called 911 when she confirmed Summers had not been sent by the company and he was arrested while walking near the Denny's. Summers told police the incident must have been the result of a paperwork mix-up, but officers said they confirmed he had not been sent by Denny's officials. Police said Summers was also carrying a stun gun and did not have a permit. He was arrested on charges of fraud, possession of an electric weapon, disorderly conduct and possession of drug paraphernalia. *-- Woman pleads guilty to library thefts --* SAN DIEGO - A California woman accused of stealing about 2,000 items from various libraries and selling them online pleaded guilty to felony burglary. San Diego County Deputy District Attorney Marnie McGee said Maria Nater, 45, pleaded guilty Tuesday and will likely receive a probation sentence at an April 25 hearing, KSWB-TV, San Diego, reported Thursday. Authorities said an investigation was opened when workers at a Carlsbad library noticed signif- icant book loss and a search of Nater's Vista home turned up thousands of missing library books and DVDs, worth an estimated $5,400, with some packaged to be shipped. Nater, who was arrested in September, admitted taking the books from libraries in Carlsbad, Oceanside and San Diego. She said she was selling the pilfered items on Amazon.com. *-- 30 luge nude in Germany --* BRAUNLAGE, Germany - Organizers of the 2012 Nude Luge World Championships in Germany said 25,000 people watched 30 lugers throw themselves down the slopes. The organizers said 17 men, including former Calvin Klein cover model Marcus Schenkenberg, and 13 women, including porn star Mia Magma, slid down the mountainside in Braunlage Saturday for the fourth-annual event, The Local reported Monday. The participants were required by safety rules to wear helmets, shoes and underwear, but were otherwise unclothed when they took their turns sledding. "With a lot of German beer and Jagermeister, I'll be able to keep myself warm," Schenkenberg said. A 37-year-old Hannover man was declared the winner of the event and was awarded $1,300. *-- Man has 'Beetlejuice' museum in apartment --* NEW YORK - A New York man said the museum he created in his apartment to honor 1988 film "Beetlejuice" has more than 75 pieces. Bruce Christensen, 48, said his Hell's Kitchen apartment contains items including plastic toys, bobblehead dolls, trading cards, a beach towel, a full copy of the movie script and even a six-pack of wine coolers called Dr. Thirsty's Beetlejuice Alcoholic Fruit Crush, the New York Daily News reported Monday. "This is definitely one of the top 10 attractions in New York City," said Christensen, who said more than 200 people have toured the "Bruce & His Beetlejuice Collection" museum since he opened just before Halloween. "The absolute highlight of our recent trip to New York City was the private viewing of the Beetlejuice Museum," tourist Melodee Hill of Maryland told the Daily News. Christensen said he would love to have director Tim Burton or some of the film's stars tour his collection, but he joked about being wary of Winona Ryder. "I'd have to keep an eye on that klepto!" he quipped. *-- Officer chased himself for 20 minutes --* CHICHESTER, England - Police in Britain revealed an under- cover officer seeking a suspicious person reported by a CCTV operator turned out to be chasing himself. A senior Sussex police official told Police Federation magazine the camera operator mistook the undercover officer, who was staking out a burglary-hit area, for a suspicious character and sent him on a 20-minute chase before discovering he was seeking himself, The Sun reported Wednesday. A spokes- man for Sussex police said officers "had a laugh" at the incident, but he had no further details. *-- 15 1/2 pound baby born in China --* XINXIANG CITY, China - A set of parents in China said they expected a large baby, but they were shocked when their son came out weighing a potentially record-setting 15 1/2 pounds. Han Jingang and Wang Yujuan said they were expect- ing a large baby, but they were surprised when baby Chun Chun was born Saturday in Xinxiang City weighing a stagger- ing 15 1/2 pounds, a number state-run China Daily said is half a pound heavier than the three China record-holding 15-pounders born between 2008 and 2010, New Tang Dynasty Television reported Thursday. "My wife was no different from other pregnant women. She ate and drank normally as she should. But she's given birth to such a big, fat son. Today is the first day of spring in the Chinese calendar and he's a 'dragon baby.' I feel very happy," Han Jingang said. Wang Yujuan said she knew the baby would be large. "I clearly felt that my body was more clumsy than when I had been pregnant with my daughter. My belly was bigger than it was then. I guessed the baby would be between 10 and 11 pounds. I never expected to hear that he weighs 15 1/2," she said. Guinness World Records said the heaviest baby ever born weighed nearly 24 pounds when it was born in Ohio in 1879, but it died hours later. --- ...Figures it would be in Ohio - ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: _ |-| |~| |:| WINE AND CHEESE .'.'. / ::\ |_____| __ _ |:.:;.| <:__:> .-'o\ |_____| \ ::/ .o' O. o\ | ::| '..' |--o.--o--| | ;:| || |._._o_._.| \_____/ .''. '----' pjb When the English Playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club lat at night after witnessing the first presentation of a play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How did your play go tonight, Oscar? "Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience was a failure." -<>- EeeiiiiiEEiiiii..... \|/ n______ .....iiiiiEEiiiieeEE :~; : \|/ -----;``~' + ;------------ ______n --------------------------------- `-@-----@-= : :~: =========================== ; + '~``; ============================= =-@-----@-' jgs------------------------------------------------------------------ Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and I to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call at the end of the day. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes, and unknown to me the floor was wet. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, "What was that?" "My pager," I said. "I am 911." -<>- One night my husband took his mother and me to a movie. We were enjoying the film until a very explicit bedroom love scene flashed on the screen. Embarrassed, I wondered what my mother-in-law must be thinking. Just then I felt her hand touch mine. With her eyes still glued to the screen, my mother-in-law said, "Lovely sheets. I wonder where she got them." -<>- My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shop- lifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run. After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. "Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items." -<>- A woman who called up the fire department and said, "Look, I've just had a new rock garden built and I've just planted some new roses, and.." The fireman said, "Where's the fire?" She said, "I've just spent a lot of money having my lawn mowed and my hedges clipped. Some of my new plants are very expensive..." He said, "Look, lady, you don't want the fire department, you want a flower shop." She said, "No, I don't. The house next door is on fire, and I don't want you clumsy fireman stomping all over my garden when you come over." -<>- ,==. \\// .-~~-. ,",-""-.". | | | | | | .-"| |. ". `,",-" ,'.". `| |_,-' | | | | | | hjw ". `-._,-' ." `-.___,-' While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring. "I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked. "Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the dog!" [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] -<>- Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?" -<>- ,``'.' / \ \ \ / \ | | ''''''.| | | `````'` | | | /'''' - (| | | /'``` . | | | / ''''' / ./ / '```` / |/ / ''''`| \/ / ' |` / / / /| /| | / '. || | ) ++ | \ | | | | \ .. \ _/ \ ' ./ | / \ | \ \ | \ | | . | | | | | | | | | | | .| | / / | / / / | | / / | | / / | | ==/ | | | | ==/ | | / | \ | Pru | | V | | V An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" "I do!" replied the Octogenarian, "Please give me a hand." -<>- Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. They each found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I was a bit puzzled at first, but then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," said Pete, "but I wrote down Horticulturist." -<>- The doctor took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the good news first." "They're going to name a disease after you." =============================================================== >-->Golden Oldies ,-----. W/,-. ,-.\W ()>a a<() (.--(_)--.) ,'/.-'\_/`-.\`. ,' / `-' \ `. / \ / \ / `. ,' \ / / `-._.-' \ \ ,-`-._/| |=|o |\_.-< <,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \ `-)| |// _ \\| )/ || |' | `| || | | | || ( )|( ) || | | | || | | | || |_.--.|.--._| || /'""| |""`\ [] `===' `===' hjw Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies." Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions" ABBA -- "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out" Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair" Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper" Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs -- "Bald Thing" ========================================================== >-->From Laugh And Lift: _|_ ____|____ #%@@ /~~~~.~~~~\ @@%# @%%#%%, /~~~~/ \~~~~\ ,%%#%%@ %%@@%%@%/~~~~/ : \~~~~\%@%%@@%% `@%%%@#@/____/ (X) \____\@%%%@#@` @@\@%%@`|.`.| ___ |.`.|`@%%@/@@ `#%/@ |:x:|| .||:x:| @\%#` || |:x:|| ||:x:| || -_|| _-|:x:||~ .||:x:|-_ ||_- !-!-!-!-!-|___||___||___|-!-!-!-!-!lc *_THE PREACHER'S WIFE_* (Author Unknown) Our preacher is a man of God, He truly loves the Lord; He gives the greatest sermons, His congregation's never bored. He quotes the scriptures without looking, He shares the Good Book without end; He knows each member of the church, And calls each one his friend. He constantly is working, Both at the church and in his home; He is very dedicated, And spends much time with Christ alone. He spends hours on his sermons, Which are truly God inspired; He works almost around the clock, And is often worn and tired. While we give him due respect and love, His wife is often missed; Though a sweet and caring, loving soul, She's not always on our list. Oh what a shame ... we lose so much, For this woman's full of love; And when our preacher married her, Was he not directed from above? She knows her Bible just as well, And with such gentleness, Has that woman's quality of warmth, That a man oft doesn't possess. She can embrace, and soothe, and hold, Can even offer kisses; Sometimes this kind of love's required, And a man can't always do this. While our preacher is God's shepherd, His wife excels in little lambs; We need her just as much as him, All this is per God's plan. She stands behind her husband, Like a shadow, ever there; Like fresh air, always needed, Of which no one is aware. She will put her arms around him, When he is down and blue; Why comfort him, this man of God? Because he's human, too. She performs her mundane duties, Like pressing clothes and washing shirts; Because she is so eager, To have him look just right at church. When services are over, And he is waiting by the door; We shake his hand and thank him, Sometimes she's smilingly ignored. She never seeks attention, But is content to aid and serve; With a quiet consecration, She holds her talents in reserve. So, all you members of the church, What I am trying hard to tell ... That when God chose this preacher's wife, 'Twas for the rest of us, as well. Show that you appreciate her, At the church door, shake her hand; Hug her around her shoulders, And behind her, take your stand. - Author Unknown -<>- ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy >*_SURVIVAL KIT FOR EVERY DAY LIVING_* Items Needed: Toothpick Rubber Band Band Aid Pencil Eraser Chewing Gum Mint Candy Kiss Tea Bag Why you say??? 1) TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. -- Matt. 7:1 2) RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. -- Romans 8:28 3) BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. -- Col. 3:12-14 4) PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. -- Eph 1:3 5) ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's OK. -- Gen 50:15-21 6) CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything with Jesus. -- Phil 4:13 7) MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your Heavenly Father. -- John 3:16-17 8) CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. -- 1 John 4:7 9) TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings. -- 1 Thess 5:18 -<>- >*/The Laugh/* \\\ (oO) /C \ /__/\\ \\__// __> U<__ _\/_ (Mparre@Sun4.Cariboo.BC.CA) *_Computer Troubles_* A List of Wants - I want to hurt my computer. I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. - When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard. - I want a device that stores an electriical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the featureless voice always claims. I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less about you. Our technical support department consists of two college kids in India, both of whom are busy playing computer games. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English." - When my system crashes and I lose a fiile that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me. - I don't understand why new, "upgraded"" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it? There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them. - How come when my computer catches a viirus, I'm the one who misses work? - I want to know why my printer always jjams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation. - I was really tired of hearing about alll the horrible things that would happen with the Y2K problem: sewers will regurgitate, all of my fillings will return to the dentist, my high school reunion will be held in Spanish, etc. Why doesn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people - what did they need a memo or something? When I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files were Y2K-compliant the program wouldn't work because - get this - my CD-ROM player was too old. The manufacturer didn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer was Y2K-compliant, I needed to buy another computer. - I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds. - Now I've found out that my PC no longeer "recognizes" my DVD drive. How could they not recognize each other? They live together! Please understand: I don't hate my computer. I just want to hurt it every once in a while. -<>- .-. __/ ( , '-.____\ u=='/ \ /_/ \ .-'' | ( ____/_____ _>_/.-------- \/// // snd // >*_Good Point..._* "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA be dead!" -<>- /())) //( oo (/|| _ \__ /||||/ '._-' / \ |\ / \ \ \_____ | \ \.___ /==, | ='.___/=. | ) '.______ | (______( | || snd |_|| _/ | |_\ '---'--' >*_Deep Thoughts _* - How important does a person have to bee before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? - Since bread is square, then why is sanndwich meat round? - Why do you have to "put your two centss in" ...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? - Why does a round pizza come in a squarre box? - How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? - Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? - If you drink Pepsi at work in the Cokee factory, will they fire you? - Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TVV? - How come we choose from just two peoplle for President and fifty for Miss America? -<>- . \ | / _\|/_ .' ' ' '. ___ _.|.--.--.|.___.--'___`-. .'.'|| | ||`----'"` ``'` .'.' ||()|()|| .___..-'.' / \ `----'"` / .-. \ (.'.(___).'.) `.__.-.__.' jgs |_| |_| `.`-'.' `"` >*_Quick Jokes _* Just after Pete was admitted to the hospital, he heard a knock at the door of his room. "Come in," Pete said, and in came a woman. "I'm your doctor," she said. "Please take off your clothes." Pete asked her if she meant for him to remove all of his clothing and she told him that was just what she did mean. So he took off all his clothes and she examined him: nose, throat, chest, stomach, thighs, feet. When she examined him she announced: "You may get into bed. Do you have any questions?" "Just one," said Pete. "Why did you knock?" -------- A thought: Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or camera phone these days that no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to? -------- Mary: I grew up in SUCH a small town! Jill: Oh, I did too! Everybody knew everybody else's business! Mary: My town was so small that the city limit signs were back to back. Jill: You had TWO SIGNS? -<>- >*_Teacher/Student Jokes_* TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. -------- TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid) -------- TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. -------- TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! -------- TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. -------- TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. -------- TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. -------- TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. _SUBSCRIBE INFO_ Want to receive a Christian inspirational item AND great clean humor in an email to you each day of the week? It's easy and FREE! Read all about Laugh & Lift at http://www.laughandlift.com ============================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Never Give Up! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/nevergiveup.html Advice For New Year http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/newyear.html Friends! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/friends.html Notes To God! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cnotes.html Wall Mural Art 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wallart3.html Balloon Party! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/party.html Auto Motorplex http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/automotorplex.html Elephant Hotel http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elhotel.html Chinese WalMart http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chinawalmart.html Great White Shark! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/greatwhite.html Ward's 1934 Wish Book http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wishbook.html -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) Sandra Bullock goes crazy http://youtu.be/6GZqcN_n9XQ --- ...LOL! A Fun One! Thanks Wesley! Astrolabe quadrant from Canterbury http://goo.gl/12490 --- ...Interesting! Thanks Wesley! -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Create printable flyers online http://www.band-flyers.com/ Watch Horror Movies Online For Free http://www.fearnet.com/ Conversion Program http://www.joshmadison.com/software/convert/ Visit Melissa's Online Store You can get anything you want (except for Melissa ) at the online store http://pdhomes.net/mall/babylissa/mySTORES/ISELL4.html If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "I have property in LA. A hotel is holding two of my suit- cases." --Soupy Sales "Julia [Roberts], I miss our phone calls. But it seems like ever since you got Caller ID you're never home." --Steve Martin "Male sexual response is brisker and more automatic than the female. It is triggered easily by things -- like putting a quarter in a vending machine." --Dr. Alex Comfort "My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years." --Paul Merton "What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them--as is my understanding." --Bart Simpson "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -Carl Jung "Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." -Oscar Wilde "Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner." --James Bovard (1994) "We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into pro- sperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle." --Winston Churchill "A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." --G. Gordon Liddy >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************