Lizard Birth And More... :) Shangy!

>Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList:

To Subscribe send a blank email to
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Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
adult club in the love and romance directory so
you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!

or Web Site:
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Group email address:
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or email me here:
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               ================

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                ================

>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)

This hot sizzler is from our friend LouiseA, Two things
I really appreciate - awesome architecture and a rich well
bound book - this has plenty of both. Sure, other places
have more books, but none housed in such a gorgeous building
as this one! Truly Beautiful! Check this one out here...
          __
          HH
          HH
BBB       HH                                        ,z.
=== .___. HH     %%%%                   .o.       ,zZZZ>
BBB |   | HH 838 \\\\ EEE    AAAAA     ,0X0'    ,zZZZ"
BBB |<<<| HH 838 %%%% EEE ## DDDDD    ,0X0'   ,zZZZ"
BBB | E | HH 838 %GR% +++ ## AAAAA   ,0X0'  ,zZZZ"
BBB | M | HH 838 %%%% EEE ## <<v>>  ,0X0' ,zZZZ"
BBB | C | HH 838 %%%% EEE ## AAAAA ,0X0',zZZZ"HH$HHHHHHHDDHH$HH
=== |<<<| HH 838 //// EEE ## AAAAA.0X0;zZZZ"  EE$EEEEEEEDDEE$EE
BBB |___| HH 838 %%%% EEE ## AAAAA'"0' "Z"    HH$HHHHHHHDDHH$HH
Evan M Corcoran

World's Largest Monastic Library
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/library.html

---
...I'd love to see this in person! Thanks LouiseA!

=======================================================

>-->From TheFunnyBone:

           Who's The Best?                         __.__
                                                 .-'     `-.
                                               :` .   .   . `:
                                               :.` `.` `.` `.:
  The Italian and the Polish parachutists       \   \   /   /
  were arguing about who was best at             `\  \ /  /'
  folding a parachute.  Unable to resolve          `\ Y /'
  their dispute on the ground, they decided          `|'
  to go up in the plane and judge by the             ()
  mid-air performance of their chutes.             --[]--
                                                     //     jgs
  The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord,            \\
  and started floating toward the earth.             ``
  The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and
  nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord - nothing.  In a matter
  of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone.

  "Oh," shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race!"

=======================================================

+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+

August 18 is Bad Poetry Day

August 19 is Aviation Day

August 20 is National Radio Day

August 21 is Senior Citizen's Day

August 22 is Be an Angel Day and National Tooth Fairy Day

August 23 is Ride the Wind Day

August 24 is Vesuvius Day 

=======================================================

>-->From GoodCleanFun:
    _____________
   | ___ ___ ___ |
   ||_=_|_=_|_=_||
   ||____===____||
   ||____===____||
  _|_____________|_
 | _______________ |
 ||.-----___-----.||
 |||_____________|||
 ||.-----___-----.||
 |||_____________|||
 ||.-----___-----.||
 |||_____________|||
 ||.-------------.||
 |||             |||
 |||    .===.    |||
 |||_____________|||
 ''===============''
 (o)LGB          (o)

>Building Permit

A Zoning Board had just been set up in a new community. A householder 
went to the office to request permission to build a small toolshed in 
his backyard.

"Have you a plan?" asked the director.

"Oh, yes," said the householder, who showed him a map of his 
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed.

"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, 
wrote a few words on it, made a copy of it, and said, "Here's your 
permission."

A month later, a neighbor in almost exactly the same situation also 
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to see the director, 
got as far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. 
Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two 
weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what 
further steps are necessary."

"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got permission 
right away."

"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got 
organized." 

-<>-

>Crockpot

I spent an afternoon helping my brother move into a new apartment.

In one carton I found a crock pot, with an odd-looking and very dirty 
metal lid. Later I ushered my brother into the kitchen and asked why he 
hadn't mentioned this perfectly good pot.

He stared at it, then replied, "Well, after I broke the lid I never 
thought of replacing it with a hubcap." 

-<>-

>Recycling Yard

Recently, I brought my six-year-old granddaughter with me on my trip to 
the recycling yard to dispose of a lawnmower and some other metal.

There, we wandered around among the hundreds of cars that were waiting
to be crushed. Most of them were missing parts, which had been removed 
for reuse in other cars.

My daughter said to me, "Poppa."

"Yes," I replied.

"I'm not buying my first car here." 

-<>-

>The Rules


         _   _{Ss
       //\\_/_/\Ss
     _/_| \_/   \_  pb
 

(NOTE: Relax guys ... I've been married for 43 years. It is a HUMOR
list! Don't write to me about this.)

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules can change without notice.

3. Males can't know the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must 
immediately change some of the rules.

5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding 
which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which 
was wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the 
misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind.

9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the 
female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be 
angry or upset.

12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants 
him to be angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.

14. The male cannot diagnose PMS. 

-<>-

>Ship Shape 

My daughter, Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When 
she gave my husband, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the 
neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, 
he couldn't believe the disorganization.

"Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your 
house is such a mess?"

Michelle replied, "My house doesn't take 30-degree rolls." 

=========================================================

>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)

>SMILES
   .-.    .-.    .-.    .-.  .-.  .-"-.  .-.      .--.      .-.  .--.
  <   |  <   |  <   |   | |  | |  | | |  | |      |()|     /  |  |  |
   )  |   )  |   )  |   | |  | |  | | |  | |      |  |     |  |  |  |
   )()|   )()|   )()|   |o|  | |  | | |  | |      |  |     |  |  |()|
   )()|   )()|   )()|   |o|  | |  | | |  | |      |  |     |  |  |()|
  <___|  <___|  <___|   |\|  | |  | | |  | |      |  |     |  |  |__|
   }  |   || |   =  |   | |  | |  `-|-'  | |      |  |     |  |  |   L
   }  |   || |   =  |   | |  | |   /A\   | |      |  |     |  |  |   J
   }  |   || |   =  |   |/   | |   |H|   | |      |  |     |  |  |    L
   }  |   || |   =  |        | |   |H|   | |     _|__|_    |  |  |    J
   }  |   || |   =  |        | |   |H|   | |    | |   |    |  |  | A   L
   }  |   || |   =  |        | |   \V/   | |    | |   |     \ |  | H   J
   }  |   FF |   =  |        | |    "    | |    | \   |      ,Y  | H A  L
   }  |   LL |    = |       _F J_       _F J_   \  `--|       |  | H H  J
   }  |   LL |     \|     /       \   /       \  `.___|       |  | H H A L
   }  |   \\ |           J         L |  _   _  |              |  | H H U J
   }  |    \\|           J         F | | | | | |             /   | U ".-'
    } |     \|            \       /  | | | | | |    .-.-.-.-/    |_.-'
     \|                    `-._.-'   | | | | | |   ( (-(-(-( )
                                     `-' `-' `-'    `-`-`-`-'
VK

I have the most marvelous recipe for tuna noodle
casserole. All I have to do is mention it to my husband
and he says, "Let's eat out!

--------
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch
your health." So one day while I was watching my health,
someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

--------
A guy decides to bring his new  girlfriend to a football game. After 
the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game. 
She replies: "Oh it was great, but there is one thing I don't 
understand." 
"What don't you understand?" 
The girlfriend replies, "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams
flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the 
game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, 
get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

--------
On the first day back in school, the English teacher wrote on the 
blackboard. "I ain't had no fun all summer." 
"Now Paul." she said to a student. "What shall I do to correct this?"
"Get a boyfriend." Paul replied. 

-------
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all 
my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the 
children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept 
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the 
children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I 
asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" 
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

---
...Oh My! HaHa! Even then we have to wait for the Lord to Return.

--------
Michael Johnson, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a 
club with some friends.
At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't 
come in here -- no jeans."
Michael, quite annoyed at this, retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm 
Michael Johnson."
"Well, then," the bouncer replied, "it won't take you long to run home 
and change, will it?"

--------
A retired Four-Star General ran into his former orderly, also retired, 
in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to 
come to work for him as his valet. 
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the 
General said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast." 
The former orderly agreed to become the General's valet. The next 
morning, promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the 
ex-General's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the General a gentle 
shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's 
wife on her bottom and said, 
"OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

---
...LOL! Good Ones! Thanks LouiseA!

-<>-

  __i
 |---|    
 |[_]|    
 |:::|    
 |:::|    
 `\   \   
   \_=_\ jsm
 
>The Ten Commandments of Cell Phones

1. Thou shalt not subject defenseless bystanders to cell phone 
conversations. When people cannot escape the banality of 
your conversation-on a plane, train, bus, cab, or at a restaurant-
spare them. We are just not interested, you boorish twit.

2. Thou shalt not set thy ringer to play "La Cucaracha" every 
time thy phone rings. Or Beethoven's Fifth, or the Bee Gees' "Stayin' 
Alive," or any other annoying melody. Is it not enough that your phone
goes off every other second? In addition, any phone that announces 
"INCOMING CALL" should be tossed in a toilet.

3. Thou shalt turn thy cell phone off during public performances,
 in theaters, during speeches and meetings, family dinners, 
at weddings and funerals and on first dates.

4. Thou shalt not wear more than two wireless devices on thy belt. 
Techno-jockeys attempting to look like they are 
carrying Batman utility belts are not cool.

5. Thou shalt not dial while driving. This madness must stop. 
Put the phone down and just drive. There are enough people in the 
world who have problems mastering driving a vehicle by itself.

6. Thou shalt not wear thy earpiece in the presence of thy friends 
and coworkers. This is similar to wearing headphones 
connected to a CD player-it's just rude.

7. Thou shalt not speak louder on thy cell phone than thou 
would on any other phone. Phones have sensitive microphones, 
and it's gotten to the point where you can tell if someone is 
calling from a mobile phone simply by their volume of speaking, 
not how it sounds. If your signal cuts out, speaking louder won't help.

8. Thou shalt not grow too attached to thy cell phone. 
For obvious reasons, an addictive dependency on being constantly
 "in touch" is not healthy. At work, go nuts. 
Away from work, give it (and the rest of us) a rest.

9. Thou shalt not display thy cell phone on a restaurant table just in 
case it may ring. This is not the Old West, and you are not a 
gunslinger sitting down to a game of five-card stud in a 
Dodge City saloon. Be a little less conspicuous. If it rings, 
you'll hear it just as easily if it's in your pocket, purse or "holster."

10. Thou shalt not attempt to impress with thy mobile phone. 
Not only is using a cell phone no longer impressive 
(unless, of course, it's one of those really cool new phones 
with the space-age "Matrix" design, interchangeable 
multi-colored face with a laser-linked heads-up viewer 
and solar battery charger), but when it is used to impress, 
said user shall be immediately identified as a jerk.

---
...TeeHee! Thanks LouiseA!

=========================================================

>-->In The Worldly News:

>From BizarreNews:

A Swansboro, N.C. man has been arrested and accused of 
stealing a safe from a drug store. 
 
But this guy is no Danny Ocean. Police said 22-year-old 
Ryan James Mullins was dragging the safe when he was caught 
after an early-morning break-in at the store.
 
At 7:30 a.m. a Swansboro police officer pulled out in front 
of Mullins and saw in his rear view mirror that there was 
something swinging behind Mullins' vehicle. The police 
officer pulled over to let Mullins pass, because why wouldn't 
you pass a police car when you are dragging a safe behind 
your vehicle, then saw the safe being dragged. The officer 
immediately pulled Mullins over.
 
Mullins is charged with safecracking, breaking and entering, 
larceny after breaking and entering, possession of stolen 
goods, trafficking of opium or heroin and several traffic 
violations. 
 
Public Safety Chief Bob Ritchie said the safe was about 
8 feet tall and about 2 feet deep and was used to hold 
medications. Ritchie said investigators think Mullins was 
trying to get controlled substances in the safe.


*-- 14-year-old lives in Texas Walmart undetected for 4 days --*
CORSICANA, Texas (UPI) - A Texas teen was able to hide 
out in a Walmart in Corsicana for more than half-a-week 
without anyone forcing him to roll-back or roll-out. The 
14-year-old was able to spend four days in the Walmart 
without being detected after building himself two hiding 
spaces. He put one in the baby aisle and the other hide-out 
was behind stacks of paper towels and toilet paper. "You 
never expect that you're at Walmart and someone has been 
living there for four days. That's crazy," Walmart customer 
Myrna Aguilar told CBS 11 News. The boy was able survive 
off of food he stole from the store and guzzle juice via 
a hole he cracked in the back wall of the drink aisle. 
He even had a makeshift bed and a fish from the pet 
department. In order to avoid being noticed when he was 
in plain sight, the boy would change his clothes 
periodically. He also wore diapers to avoid using the 
restroom at the store. Trash eventually led to the boy 
being discovered, but he was released into the custody of 
relatives and Walmart does not plan on filing charges. 

*-- Teacher arrested for being drunk in classroom --*
FLORENCE, Ariz. (UPI) - At least she kept her pants on, 
unlike a teacher in Oklahoma. An Arizona math teacher was 
arrested at San Tan Valley high school on Wednesday after 
she allegedly had to take a taxi to work because she was 
too drunk to drive. Kathleen Jardine somehow made it into 
her classroom and attempted to teach, but then aroused 
her students' suspicions by "yelling and cursing" at them. 
"She just seemed slow," student Cole McCormick told CBS 5. 
After a school security officer found vodka and mixers in 
her classroom, the 57-year-old allegedly admitted she had 
been drinking and the alcohol belonged to her. Jardine was 
cited for consumption of alcohol in public and she could 
also be facing a disorderly conduct charge, according to 
a press release from the Pinal County Sheriff's Office. 
According to Gilbert Police, Jardine was arrested for 
driving drunk the day before and cited for extreme DUI 
and failure to maintain a lane. "Learning math can be 
hard enough, I can't imagine trying to learn it from a 
drunk teacher," said Sheriff Paul Babeu. "This is not the 
first time teacher Kathleen Jardine has been intoxicated 
in the classroom." 

*-- Alleged cell phone thief calls 911 because victim won't 
leave her alone --*
SEATTLE (UPI) - A suspected cell phone thief in Washington 
may want to re-evaluate things the next time she feels 
inclined to call 911 for emergency assistance. The female 
suspect reportedly called 911 to get in touch with the 
Seattle Police Department because the man she allegedly 
stole a cell phone from wouldn't leave her alone. When 
officers responded to the call at a gas station, they 
found the 20-year-old suspect standing with a 21-year-old 
man who had multiple cuts and bruises. The suspect told 
SPD officers that the man was napping on a Metro bus when 
he awoke and accused the woman and her boyfriend of taking 
his phone. The man corroborated that he had been on the 
bus, but told police he started chasing the suspect and 
her boyfriend after they grabbed his phone and took off. 
When he asked them to return the phone, the pair allegedly 
punched and kicked him in the head. According to the man, 
the boyfriend kept on going when the suspect stopped to 
call 911. Officers searched the woman and found the 
victim's phone and three grams of crack, KOMO reported. 
They booked her into King County Jail for investigation 
of robbery and drug possession. 
 
      *-- Woman demands $1,000 after bad haircut --*
WINTER SPRINGS, Fla. (UPI) - A Florida grandmother wants 
her hair salon to fork over $1,000 after a stylist gave 
her a haircut that is so bad it is affecting her social 
life. Vyunda Bradshaw wants the money for the "pain and 
suffering" she has endured after getting butchered by a 
Great Clips employee. Bradshaw now has a bald spot and 
uneven pieces of hair throughout the rest of her head. 
The look is so bad that Great Clips general manager 
Michelle Bates offered Bradshaw $60 to buy a wig. "I 
attend church regularly, I have a social life, I can't 
go anywhere with my hair looking like this," Bradshaw 
told Local 6. Bates also offered Bradshaw free hair 
products and the chance to get complimentary weekly cuts, 
but she declined. The stylist who ruined Bradshaw's hair 
has been fired. "I take pride in my hair. My appearance 
means a lot to me, but now somebody looks at me they might 
think I'm a man with my hair all cut off like that," 
Bradshaw said. 

=========================================================

>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)

              ____...---...___
___.....---"""        .       ""--..____
     .                  .            .
 .             _.--._       /|
        .    .'()..()`.    / /
            ( `-.__.-' )  ( (    .
   .         \        /    \ \
       .      \      /      ) )        .
            .' -.__.- `.-.-'_.'
 .        .'  /-____-\  `.-'       .
          \  /-.____.-\  /-.
           \ \`-.__.-'/ /\|\|           .
          .'  `.    .'  `.
          |/\/\|    |/\/\|
jro

>"Lizard Birth" This Is Hilarious!

 Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

 Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me 
there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds 
prisoner in his room.
 "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm 
serious, Dad. Can you help?" 
 I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and 
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed 
lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
 "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
 "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
 "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
 I was equally outraged.
 "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want 
them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
 "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their 
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
 "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" 
 "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. 
 "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you 
know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
 By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was 
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
 "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I 
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
 "Oh, gross!" they shrieked
 We peered at the patient.. After much struggling, what 
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second 
later. 
 "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
 "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
 "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
 "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the 
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I 
tried several more times with the same results.
 "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
 "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a 
pattern here with the females in my house?)
 "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to 
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
 "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. 
 The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at 
the little animal through a magnifying glass.
 "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested 
scientifically.
 "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, 
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
 I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
 "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
 "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in 
labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
 Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And 
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, 
they um . . Um . . . you know.
 Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, 
glancing at my wife.
 We were silent, absorbing this.
 "So, Ernie's just . Just . . . Excited," my wife offered.
 "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. 
 More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And 
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
 Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . ..
 I'm picturing you pulling on its... Its... Teeny little..."
 She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
 "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly 
bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad 
everything was going to be okay.
 "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he 
told me.
 "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with 
laughter.

 Two lizards: $140.
 One cage: $50..
 Trip to the vet: $30.
 Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's 'you know': 
 Priceless!

 Moral of the story: 
Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

---
...Oh My Goodness! A Duh Moment! LMAO! Thanks Geniann!

========================================================

>-->From CleanLaffs:

 
 
                  /'\
                 /
                /                 ,
             c-'                 /
            /'-._         ,____,' .-'''-.
       .-'.// \  '-;-========,"-,'       '
     ,`   /,   \_//\       ,/  (  '- *)   )
    (   ./  )   {,}========'===='- '      ,
     ,     ,   \/               ', -muse.
 _____'-.-`_______________________'-..-'____
 
   s i t   b a c k   r i d e   'n'  r e l a x
 
     r e c u m b e n t    b i c y c l e s
 ____________________________________________
 

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our 
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, 
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a 
little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double- 
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of 
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my 
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in 
the chin.

-<>-

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours 
in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world 
around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly 
know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to 
his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky 
blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, 
do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll 
never learn anything!"

-<>-

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district 
was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the 
job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What 
I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually 
knows something?"

-<>-

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade 
teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the 
mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic 
to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company, 
and I'm keeping her home."

-<>-

During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, 
Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the 
benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, 
just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful 
years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the 
back of the room. 

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best 
teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-
restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other 
qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single." 

-<>-

>CUSTOMER'S GUIDE TO SUPERMARKET SHOPPING 

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are 
rung up and bagged before you start looking for your check-
book. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, 
borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is 
balanced before giving up the check. 

2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 
12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!! 

3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 
to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, 
if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad 
at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at 
him. Either way, you win! 

4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of 
your purse so that when you are in the express lane you 
won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking 
for one and not finding any. 

5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the 
time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. 
Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way 
they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to 
decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you 
are ever asked this question at a grocery store. 

6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your 
reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature 
are very curious and if you should fail to give them your 
reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is 
liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't 
choose plastic. 

7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and 
you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it 
on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will auto-
matically know the price. After all, everyone knows how 
smart those clerks are. 

8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you 
must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and 
bread in the bottom of the bag. 

9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to 
know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever 
meal you should decide to make that night. They can give 
you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might 
want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, 
the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you 
may need to know about life. 

10. Don't forget rule NO. 8 

11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes 
and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell 
the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly 
nsure that there is plenty of help next time. 

12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, 
don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the 
clerk has to be polite-- but you don't have to. 

13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-
stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk 
which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance 
being tricked into the wrong one. 

14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item 
and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." 
The clerks love that because they don't get to use their 
SOMETHING keys very often. 

=========================================================

>-->From TheMouth:


           '\
       ____' \    {)
       \   |  \@  (_/   Rats!
      __)  |   `\/|
     (___-_)    __|      *    *
              //| |    (/   )/
-~-~-~-~-~-~"""""""""*""""""*""
~-~-~-~""ejm97""""")/"""""(/""

>YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN   

* You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a   
flyswatter.   

* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.   

* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.   

* You burn your yard rather than mow it.   

* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.   

* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they   
don't want it.   

* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.   

* You come back from the dump with more than you took.   

* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.   

* You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.   

* You took a fishing pole to Sea World.   

* Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.   

* Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up  
to help him take the wheels off.   

* You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.   

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say   
Cool Whip on the side.   

* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.   

* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.   

* You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it   
said concentrate.   

* You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of   
K-Mart.   

-<>-

                                    _H_
                                   /___\
                                   \888/
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~U~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
                      ~              |
      ~                        o     |        ~
                ___        o         |
       _,.--,.'`   `~'-.._    O      |
      /_  .-"      _   /_\'.         |   ~
     .-';'       (( `  \0/  `\       #
    /__;          ((_  ,_     |  ,   #
    .-;                  \_   /  #  _#,
   /  ;    .-' /  _.--""-.\`~`   `#(('\\        ~
   ;-';   /   / .'                  )) \\
       ; /.--'.'                   ((   ))
        \     |        ~            \\ ((
         \    |                      )) `
   ~      \   |                      `
           \  |
      jgs  .` `""-.
         .'        \         ~               ~
         |    |\    |
         \   /  '-._|
          \.'

>Recycling Facts   

* Americans use enough corrugated cardboard in a year to   
make a bale the size of a football field. About 40% of it   
is recycled.   

* If Americans recycled half our newsprint every year, we'd   
need 3,200 fewer garbage trucks to collect municipal trash.   

* Americans throw away enough used motor oil every year to   
fill 120 supertankers. It could all be recycled.   

* To make plastics, the U.S. uses about a billion barrels   
of petroleum by-products each year. This is enough to fill   
over 56,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools.   

* Every year, Americans dispose of 1.6 billion pens, 2   
billion razors and blades, and 18 billion diapers.   

* Americans use 100 million steel and tin cans every day.   
We recycle about 5% of them.   

* According to the EPA, we create enough garbage every year   
to fill a convoy of 10-ton garbage trucks 145,000 miles   
long.   

-<>-
       +
       |
      /\\
      | ||
 -----| |/\
        /  \
 ------/ ^^ \
  O O  | || |
       | || |
-------------
 unknown

<Bulletin Bloopers   

For Father's Day each father present was given a pine tree   
or apple tree seedling to be planted along with his   
children.   

Please be in prayer for Jim and Judy, their baby daughter   
was born 9 months premature.   

The Women's Missionary Union will meet the first yesterday   
in January.   

The Rev. Dr. Albert Jones, our featured speaker for the   
breakfast, also blessed and blessed and blessed and blessed   
the meal.   

Women on Missions (WOMS) will meet Thursday at noon. Child-   
hood will be provided in the nursery.   

We will vote on six new deacons next Sunday. The following   
ordained men have agreed to serve if elated.   

Dr. Grimes was the featured speaker for the Seniors Group.   
He noted that you can often avoid those usual winter colds   
if you avoid fatigue, loss of sleep and over-creating.   

You're invited to join the Sunset Club, our church seniors   
group. Activities include community singing, dancing,   
dramatic efforts, and table games. The group is composed   
solely of participanting members.   

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen   
china.   
   
The singles group will be participating in the Relay for   
Life next Friday to raise money for cancer research. The   
walk starts at 7:00 p.m. with the luminary at 9:30. Walkers   
please remember to bring a pair of heavy rocks and comfort-   
able walking shoes.   

Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Singles   
Ministry Building this Saturday. We need lots of singles   
to volunteer for the work crew. We have a long list of   
items to be cleaned. The widows need extra attention.   

=========================================================

>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)

Strange Hotels!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hotel.html

Fun Science Ads!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/science.html

Strange Buildings!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/buildings.html

Road Train Trucks!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/roadtrain.html

Romantic Castles 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/castles2.html

Wieliczka Salt Mine!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/saltmine.html

WaterCar's Panther!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/panther.html

World's Fastest Cars!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fastcars.html

World's Largest Web!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/web.html

World's Largest Things!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/largest.html 

-<>-

>From Our Friend Melody :)

"Unsung  Hero" (Official HD)
https://www.youtube.com/embed/uaWA2GbcnJU

Sapporo Beer Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/embed/K-Rs6YEZAt8

---
...Sweet! Thanks Melody!

-<>-

>From Our Friend Fran :)

Kidding Me  Right? 
http://www.mamarocks.com/youre_kidding_me_right.htm

---
...HaHa! Thanks Fran!

-<>-

>From Our Friend Geniann :)

         The Mackinac Bridge is currently the third longest suspension 
bridge in the world. Akashi Kaikyo Bridge in Japan became the longest 
with a total suspension of 12,826 feet. The Great Belt Bridge in 
Halsskov-Sprogoe, Denmark, which also opened in 1998, is the second 
longest suspension bridge in the world with a total suspension of 8,921 
feet.The Mackinac? Bridge is the longest suspension bridge in the 
western hemisphere.     
          The total length of the Mackinac Bridge is 26,372 feet. The 
length of the suspension bridge (including anchorages) is 8,614 feet. 
The length from cable? bent pier to cable bent pier is 7,400 feet. 
Length of main span (between towers) is 3,800 feet. 
          My family would vacation in the summer to the Upper 
Peninsula. Before the bridge was built, there was a car ferry service. 
I have crossed the bridge many times, and I remember how the wind would 
act up at times, making the crossing a memorable one.
The Five Mile Dream (1958) 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBuHboTtwpw&feature=em-uploademail

---
...Good one! Thanks Geniann!

-<>-

>From Our Friends LouiseA :)

Most skydiving students are freaking out their first time in the air. 
Luckily, this girl kept her cool and made a nice catch when her teacher 
was hit in the face thousands of feet above the ground. 
Most skydiving students are freaking out their first time in the air. 
Luckily, this girl kept her cool and made a nice catch when her teacher 
was hit in the face thousands of feet above the ground. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UzD6ur18-o&feature=player_embedded

This magician has a lot of style, but does it cover a lame act, or is 
this just part of a brilliant one? In our opinion, the answer is the 
latter, as he pulls one of the greatest tricks we've ever seen!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK86kO8lRf4&feature=player_embedded

This dance routine is no joke, but these two people make it look easy. 
Their fancy footwork has to be seen to be believed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2MMLaSOXzE&feature=player_embedded

George Carlin is known as one of the fathers of modern stand up 
performances. He was a fiercely intelligent man whose comedic routines 
weren't only incredibly funny but always held a few points of thought 
and philosophy that stimulated our brain while tickling our sense of 
humor. This is one of his most famous and enjoyable rants - all about 
stuff!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=MvgN5gCuLac

Cool Videos! Thanks LouiseA!

=========================================================

>-->Quotes & Thunkers:

"The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 
percent of the city's students passed the English portion on 
a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they're 
too bad at math to realize how bad that is." -Jimmy Fallon

"A movie opens today called 'Elysium.' In the movie, earth 
has been overrun with crime, disease, and pollution. 
Basically, the entire world is Los Angeles." -Craig Ferguson

"There's a new cable channel of entirely dog-based programing 
called Dog TV. In a related story, there's also an entirely 
cat-based channel called YouTube." -Conan O'Brien

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can 
be both a winner and a loser at the same time." -Demetri Martin

"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not 
protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually 
raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in 
this month's Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to 
Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month." 
 --Dennis Miller

"Researchers at the University of Chicago say that dolphins, 
not elephants, have the longest memories in the animal king-
dom. They confirmed this when a dolphin was upset that an 
elephant it had met 20 years ago didn't even recognize him." 
 -Jay Leno

"A scientist has figured out a way to turn coffee grounds into 
alcohol. He is not so much a scientist as he is an alcoholic." 
 -Conan O'Brien

"The third-largest lottery drawing in the U.S. took place last 
night, a Powerball jackpot worth $448 million. The jackpot 
will be split between three winners. After taxes and jet skis, 
I think the winnings work out to $148." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because   
it's unfamiliar territory."   
- Paul Fix   

"Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which   
millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth."   
- Rex Stout   

"I think it would be a good idea."   
- Mahatma Gandhi (when asked what he thought of Western   
civilization)   

"There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid   
the labor of thinking."   
- Thomas A. Edison  

"So hot outside my cab driver was fanning himself with   
his forged visa."   
- David Letterman   


>Updated FUN STUFF URLS -  Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html

<a href="http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html"> FUN URLS</a>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
<a href="http://tinyurl.com/yk8q6rd"> NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!</a>
------------------------------------------------------------------------

-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)

Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
<a href="http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html">Home Recipes</a>

>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
<a href="mailto:bcrsystems@earthlink.net?Subject=RECIPE_FOR_YOU"> Share
A Recipe</a>
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