Married Folks & More ... :) Shangy! >-->From The FunnyBone: Larry's Barn Burned Down __ .' `'. / _ | Larry's barn burned down and his #_/.\==/.\ wife, Susan, called the insurance (, \_/ \\_/ company. | -' | ,\ = / /| Susan told the insurance company, .-'|`-. __.' / | "We had that barn insured for / | `-.__.' .-\ fifty thousand and I want my money." /-. | | { _/ \_ } | | `| The agent replied, "Whoa there, just | | | | a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't '. | | .' work quite like that. We will jgs '-.| |.' ascertain the value of what was `"` insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." ===================================================================== +---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ ARIZONA There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. Hunting camels is prohibited. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back to the days of the Wild West). You may not have more than two dildos per household. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. =========================================================== >-->From Our Friends Del, Casey, & MrWu :) >A Classic - Don't close your blinds . . . . . _ _ //\ /\\ // \______ / \\ // / \ \\ // / \ \\ // / sSSSs \ \\ //_ / sSSSsSs \ _\\ //`_\ Ss. . s /_,\\ // \` Ss\ _ /Ss , / \\ // / \ \sSs_) (_sSs/ / \ \\ // / \_|_ \ / _|_/ \ \\ \\ / sS\ _^_ /ss \ // \\/ ) ( \// `===========================' drx/ejm The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war...My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation. My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window. He said "Son, stand there and tell me what you see?" "I see trees and cars and our neighbor's houses." he replied. "OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush." Our son giggled and said "OK." "Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country" my husband said. "OK Dad, I'm pretending." "Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam coming out of his house with his wife, he has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this, son....what do you do?" "Dad?" "What do you do son?" "I'd call the police, Dad." "OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations. They take your call. They listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then son?" "Dad.......... but the police are supposed to help!" My son starts to whine. "They don't want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it," my husband says. "But Dad...he killed her!!" my son exclaims. "I know he did...but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children." "Daddy...he kills them?" "Yes son, he does. What do you do?" "Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him." our son says. "Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him," my husband says. "But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself!!" "WHAT DO YOU DO SON?" Our son starts to cry. "OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next son?" "What Daddy?" "He walks across the street to the old ladies house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then..he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?" "Daddy..." "WHAT DO YOU DO?" Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, "I'd close the blinds, Daddy." My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him. "Why?" "Because Daddy.....the police are supposed to help people who needs them...and they won't help.... You always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won't help either...they won't help me stop him...I'm afraid....I can't do it by myself Daddy.....I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and...and.....do nothing...so....I'm just going to close the blinds.... so I can't see what he's doing........and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening." I start to cry My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband's questions and he says... "Son" "Yes, Daddy." "Open the blinds because that man.... he's at your front door... "WHAT DO YOU DO?" My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: "I DEFEND MY FAMILY DAD!! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!" I see a tear roll down my husband's cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says... "It's too late to fight him, he's too strong and he's already at YOUR front door son.....you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what's right, even if you have to do it alone, before its too late." my husband whispers. THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen son, THAT is the greatest atrocities in the world won't affect him. "YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!" BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS..." This should be printed in every newspaper and posted in every school in America. Of course that won't happen so we'll use the internet. If your blinds are closed do nothing with this email. If they are open I do not need to tell you what to do. GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!! Steven R Chandler, CMSgt 332 ELRS/Vehicle Management Flight Balad Air Base, Iraq -<>- >20 inches of snow in Texas I've posted this funny picture in my JokeBox at JibJab here: http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/451733/jokeid/106857 Snow in Texas -<>- AN ET-AHEM! A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky breasts and huge manhoods and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world ======================================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: --- Bizarre Revenge ---------------------+ After his wife left him, spurned husband Donald Niblett wrecked their home with a bulldozer, causing damage in excess of 15,000 English pounds. In 1988, an Egyptian belly-dancer paid back her unfaithful husband by going on a massive spending spree with his credit card totaling $46,000 before flying to his villa in France and smashing the place up. A married pilot dismissed his mistress from his London apartment. The young woman agreed to leave but asked for a day to pack her belongings. When he returned from an over- seas flight he found the phone off the hook. His mistress had made a long distance call to the speaking clock in Washington D.C. A housewife, distraught over her husband's unfaithfulness, decided to throw herself out of the window of their third floor apartment. She didn't realize her husband was walking beneath. She survived, he did not. -- Missing Love Lives Adorning Milk Cartons --------- CARDIFF, Wales, Unmarried residents are posting personal descriptions on milk cartons in search of love as part of a lonely hearts venture in the Welsh town of Denbigh. Working off the concept of missing children that have long adorned milk cartons, those living around the small Welsh town decided to place the romantic "Fancy a Farmer?" stickers on area milk products to find dates, the Western Mail said. Iwan Jones, who helped expand the venture from a simple joke, said the stickers could potentially assist area residents to find romantic relationships in an area bereft of a dating scene. "The Welsh countryside is a great place to live, with stunning scenery, but it can be a hard place to find a date, as I'm finding out," Jones said. "The ratio of men to women is skewed where I live because a lot of young women have moved to other areas like Cardiff to find work after leaving college," he added. Working in conjunction with the online site, pishyn.com, the dairy service is aiming to set up local singles dates in time for the romantic Welsh holiday of St. Dwynwen's Day on Thursday. -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: Bread, water for pupil without lunch money An English mother says her 8-year-old daughter was fed bread and water and an overripe banana at school because she did not have her lunch money. Michelle Williams told the Daily Mail she got a telephone call from Castle Hill Primary School in Brockworth, Gloucestershire, and promised to bring the 3.50-pound (almost $7) fee. But by the time she got there she found her daughter had already been forced to sit with friends while they ate hot meals and she chewed on bread. "I was quite upset," Courtney Williams said. "I had to sit and watch everyone else eat proper meals and I just had some bread and an old banana with a black skin." Michelle Williams, a single mother, has applied for free meals for her daughter, but the application is still being processed, the newspaper said. ____... .-"--"""".__ `. | ` | ( `._....------.._.: ) .()'' ``(). ' () .==' `=== `-. . ) ( g) ) ) / J ( |. / . ( Smoking ban may go on-stage $$ (. (_'. , )|` || |\`-....--'/ ' \ /||. \\ | | | / / \. //||(\ \`-===-' ' \o. .//7' |) `. -- / ( OObaaaad888b. (<<. / | .a888b`.__.'d\ OO888888888888a. \ Y' | .8888888aaaa88POOOOOO888888888888888. \ \ | .888888888888888888888888888888888888b | | .d88888P88888888888888888888888b8888888. b.--d .d88888P8888888888888888a:f888888|888888b 88888b 888888|8888888888888888888888888\8888888 Smoking bans enacted in many U.S. cities may soon extend to the stage, prohibiting actors in live theater from smoking as part of a performance. The possible extension of the smoking ban is upsetting some actors and their representatives, who say smoking can be artistically integral to some productions. Many theaters have been using herbal cigarettes instead of tobacco to get around bans, but in some places -- such as Colorado and Scotland -- even herbal smokes are out of the questiion. Three theater companies in Colorado went so far as to sue the state, arguing the ban limits free expression, the newspaper said. "It will deny residents in Colorado access to great prior works, and cutting-edge new plays as well," said Bruce Jones, the lawyer representing the theaters. A judge ruled against the theaters in October. If health codes in the United States continue to become stricter, the newspaper said, more theaters could face outright on-stage smoking bans. Rare animals keeping Israeli army safe Several of the Israel Defense Force's northern military bases have taken to using endangered animals to keep their guarded posts safe from bush fires. The Times of London reported that with bush fires threatening the sites' stores of ammunition and explosives, Israel Defense Force Major Ofer Cohen proposed using the rare animals to keep down area vegetation. Now the bases use eland, Africa's largest species of antelope, to eat the vegetation that once threatened the military unit's bases and their presence has had an added bonus as well. "It's like Noah's Ark, everyone wins here," Cohen explained. "The soldiers are much happier; they like it so much they even want to stay here on their days off. It has improved morale and made everyone much more aware of the environment, so it's become an educational tool as well." Since adding the antelope to the base, the military unit has expanded its Noah's Ark-based endeavor to include Atlas mountain goats and rare desert oryx, another form of antelope. ======================================================================= >-->From Our Friend Steve :) . . . ' s \ ' . . . : , a ` c - i . b \ _ ' . i o O . - }{' o . . O - . ` ` \ ,.--------------------------,, |%`````````````````````````` | |%. | |%% _ _ | +%%.( ) ( ) .+',gg. ``-f t--------------f tgi$b.d%%%,. `-{___} `-{___}%%%%%%%%%%) ,gg. (%%%%%%%%%%; (%%%%g. `"?%%%%?' ,gg$f )%%%%%) ko1. """" Krzysztof Biolik ?$?' `??" `?f' The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ~~DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?~~ ...A window bedside would be nice... ;) -<>- >Why God Created Animals A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. _ _ ____________/ / \_.)_ `. ,' @_@_/ ,'| `-.-' , / /| `-.____,-' | || \ \ || | | \| / \ ,,' | \ // hh / | || | ,-\ // | _\ \|| (_`-(_____)/ And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. ) _. mmeeoowwrr! (___)'' / ,_,/ /'"\ )\ itz And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. ,. ,. {^ \-"-/ ^} " """ " { _ } ==_ .:Y:. _== ."" `--^--' "". (,~-~."" "" ,~-~.) ------( )----( )----- ^-'-'-^ ^-'-'-^ _____________________________ |"""" /~.^.~\ """"| hjw ,i-i-i(""( i-i-i. `97 (o o o ))"")( o o o) \(_) /(""( \ (_)/ `--' \""\ `--' )"") (""/ `" And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other. -<>- >Your Son Is Here A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse c ame into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings,the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night. Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked. The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered. "No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life." "Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?" "I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed." The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay. WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE. WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE. (love this line) PLEASE PASS THIS ONE ON AND GOD WILL BLESS YOU! THIS IS WHAT WE ARE PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO ANYWAY. RIGHT ? HAVE A GREAT DAY AND BLESS SOMEONE ELSE IN SOME LITTLE WAY TODAY! GOD IS SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. -<>- >Twenty-one Steps to Inner Peace: ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it. FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.. FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions. EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message! -<>- >Toilet Surprise... I've posted this funny video in my JokeBox at JibJab here: http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/460444/jokeid/108359 Toilet Surprise -<>- AN ET-AHEM ; : : : :-. ' '. ___ .. '/ \ \ ' '. :\ : '.: \ : : : \ : : \ / : .''. / : : '...' : '.__.-' \ '._ : '--.__ : ':-- '. .'\' : / . : / . .' ; _..-' L : : :__.--' \ : : .'\: / '-': /\ [WILU] : : : : : : : : : / / : / /: : '.' : : '' HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said. Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working. -<>- >FIVE THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen." 4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time." 2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen." -<>- >The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor - there are NO men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a new WIFE STORE just across the street. The first floor has woman that love sex. The second floor has woman that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited. ==================================================================== >-->Form The Mouthpiece: Things Not To Say On A First Date 1. You're fine for a girl with body odor. 2. Do you shave? 3. How much do you actually weigh? 4. You look pretty old for your age. 5. Can you pay for the bill, I'm kind of broke. 6. Thanks for lending me your car, I only wrecked it a little. 7. Why did you get your shoes out of that dumpster out there? 8. Do you wear deodorant? 9. Will you marry me? 10. Oh man, got any Ex-Lax? 11. Do you wipe your butt? 12. Do you like someone else like another girl? 13. Can I kiss your face? 14. Since you have a car, can you drop me off at Charter Beacon? 15. I think you are ugly. ================================================================= >-->From SermondFodder: We're what? A children's Sunday School Class spent several weeks studying different religions. They studied Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Jews, Buddhist and Hindus. Finishing out the study, the teacher was asking the youngsters some questions about what they learned and how their denomination of Christianity compared to the others. As they finished up by talking about the various forms of Christianity she asked, "And, what do you call us?" One of the kids piped up and said, "I know, I know......we're prostitutes." ================================================================== >-->A sweet one from our friend Pat :) . , )). -===- ,(( ))). ,((( ))))). .:::. ,(((((( ))))))))). :. .: ,((((((((' `))))))))))). : - : ,(((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))_:' ':_(((((((((((((((' `)))))))))))).-' \___/ '-._((((((((((( `))))_._.-' __)( )(_ '-._._((((' `))'---)___)))'\_ _/'((((__(---'((' `))))))))))))|' '|((((((((((((' jim `)))))))))/' '\(((((((((' `)))))))| |(((((((' `))))))| |((((((' /' '\ /' '\ /' '\ /' '\ '---..___..---' I knelt to pray but not for long, I had too much to do. I had to hurry and get to work For bills would soon be due. So I knelt and said a hurried prayer, And jumped up off my knees. My Christian duty was now done My soul could rest at ease..... All day long I had no time To spread a word of cheer No time to speak of Christ to friends, They'd laugh at me I'd fear. No time, no! time, too much to do, That was my constant cry, No time to give to souls in need But at last the time, the time to die. I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes. For in his hands God held a book; It was the book of life. God looked into his book and said "Your name I cannot find I once was going to write it down... But never found the time" Now - - - - do YOU have the time to pass this on for the Love of our Lord? ...I know I do! :) ============================================================== >-->From AndyChaps: "Stupid Love" During a friendly argument, Jim asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she was surprised and requested an explanation. "Well, people get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid." +++++++++++++++++++++++++ Changing Places For A Day: From Tony: A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organize to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night. +++++++++++++++++++++++ I Remember When... (More From Tony) **Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." **Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" **"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. **Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly. **Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. **It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. **Being old referred to anyone over 20. **The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter. **The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. **It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. **It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event. **Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. **Nobody was prettier than Mom. **Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. **It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park. **Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. **Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." **Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures. **No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home. **"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. **Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. **The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. **War was a card game. **Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. **Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. **Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. **Ice cream was considered a basic food group (and STILL is as far as I am concerned!!) **Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. **If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!! +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I Need Some 4 by 2's: From Rev Tim A couple of goobers in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of them walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Trouble With My Banker A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts. "Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue." "Yes, I know." said the man. "It's my wife, she is out of control." "Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?" asked the banker. "Frankly," replied the man with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue with you than with her. ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Letter To The Editor (Political) This letter to the editor was in the San Diego Union Tribune on 12/6/00. Vice Presidential candidate Sen. Joseph Lieberman recently asked the question, "What will we tell our children if every vote is not counted?" Here is the response of one citizen: "As a former teacher, I have been concerned about Joe Lieberman's question. What we should, and must, tell our children is that if they fail to mark the right answer on the exam, or do not fill in the entire test, they will not get credit for their answers. If they do it often enough, and if they do not ask for help or read the directions properly, they will fail. We should tell them that when they are older and move to Florida, they must fully read their ballot and remove the entire chad and not keep the entire nation waiting because of their mistakes. We must also tell them to read and read well, to play by the rules and expect a favorable outcome. Teaching them to make excuses for their mistakes has led to a society of victims unable to take responsibility. +++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Winning Blonde A blonde walks up to a coke machine, puts a dollar in, presses the button, a can comes out, she says "wow!". So she puts another dollar in, presses the button and another can comes out. She keeps doing this over and over again. Soon enough there are about 30 cans all stacked around her. A guy comes up to her and says "Ah miss, can I please use the can machine" And the blonde replies "No! Im winning!!!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ === Awesome Factoid === The average woman consumes 6 lbs of lipstick in her lifetime. " And we blame McDonalds and kids for our excess weight!" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My Son Needs Help A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me. It's my son." "What's the matter?" "He's always eating mud pies. I get up in the morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come hoes at lunch and he's eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies." The psychiatrist reassured him, "Give the kid a chance. It's all part of growing up. It'll pass." "Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife." =============================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone was ringing. At this hour it was probably for him, she said, closing her eyes. Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs. When he returned, his wife was asleep. He woke her. "Wasn't for me, after all," he said. She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe and was half way to the door when he added, "It was a wrong number." -<>- As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her. "What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?" "Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing." ================================================================ >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: >The most common boat names in Florida: Wet Dream Reel Love Vitamin Sea -<>- >Which sports car are you? http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/ I was a Chevy Corvette. Our Screamer Bill was a Lamborghini. Sigh. ...Me too - a Chevy Corvette! 4579103 people have taken the Which Sports Car Are You? (Version 2.0) Here are the results so far: Ferrari 360: 440002 (10%) Lamborghini Murcielago: 308923 (7%) Mazda Miata: 285934 (6%) Honda S2000: 110320 (2%) Dodge Viper: 250430 (5%) Chevrolet Corvette: 1228252 (27%) Porsche 911: 674251 (15%) Mazda RX-8: 276818 (6%) Porsche Boxster: 65257 (1%) Audi TT: 102254 (2%) Mercedes SLK: 195465 (4%) Ford Mustang: 405608 (9%) Lotus Elise: 116903 (3%) Nissan 350Z: 118686 (3%) -<>- _-_ /~~ ~~\ /~~ ~~\ { } \ _- -_ / ~ \\ // ~ _- - | | _- _ _ - | | -_ // \\ unknown Q. Why do we knock on wood for luck? A. In pagan times people believed that trees were the god's abode. To touch a tree was to show respect to the gods. -<>- Q. Was there really a U.S. President who held the office for just one day? A. Yes. When Zachary Taylor was inaugurated in March 1849, he would not take the Oath of Office on a Sunday. The offices of President and Vice President were vacant at the time, so someone had to be the president and David Rice Atchison, the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, was sworn in as president. -<>- >CAT LAWS Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. =============================================================== >--->Still CALLING ALL PET OWNERS... * * __ * ,db' * * ,d8/ * * * 888 `db\ * * `o`_ ** * * * _ * * / ) * (\__/) * ( ( * ,-.,-.,) (.,-.,-.,-.) ).,-.,-. | @| ={ }= | @| / / | @|o | _j__j__j_) `-------/ /__j__j__j_ ________( /___________ | | @| \ || o|O | @| |o | |,'\ , ,'"| | | | hjw vV\|/vV|`-'\ ,---\ | \Vv\hjwVv\//v _) ) `. \ / (__/ ) ) (_/ I am now collecting for my Pet Gallery. Make your pet famous! Email me with any jpg or gif image or images of your pet along with what breed or type of pet they are. Also tell me something cute, funny or interesting about their unique personality. Not just dogs - ANY PET will do - only keep it clean for the family, please. No human pets. You can submit as many pets as you have. Visit the PET PAGE here for reference: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/pets.html Pet Gallery NOW. EMAIL ME with picture(s) and info you want to share with the world: >Make YOUR pet(s) Famous: Pet Glory! ========================================================================= >-->Quotes: To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. -- Chinese proverb That's the risk you take if you change: that people you've been involved with won't like the new you. But other people who do will come along. -- Lisa Alther The human race is divided into two classes--those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, "Why wasn't it done the other way?" -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. "No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it." --Charles M. Schulz "What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." --Oscar Levant "To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost." --Gustave Flaubert ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSEE :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Seervice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe ************************************************************************ >TO UNSUBSCRIBE: Remove ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN Listt Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 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