Medical Tutorial, Great One-Liners And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our ShangyFunList: Group Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* Please Consider Giving To ShangralaFamilyFun.com :) The cost of the website has gone up dramatically due to the ever increasingly wonderful pages and photos being added each week to entertain you and our fellow Christian families. If every one would chip in $25 or more, we'd be good for the whole year! So Please - I need your help today! "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, the easiest way to do that is through online giving. It is easy to use, and most of all, it is secure. Please visit the site, scroll down and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL form page comes up. NOTE: Paypal will generate a 'Quantity 1' and 'Price per item' form. Just ignore the price per item and put whatever it is you desire to give in there. With Paypal, you will have your normal receipt for your 'payment' donation in USD (United States Dollars). You can put a memo in there if you'd like. EVERY LITTLE BIT WILL HELP! Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR GIFT! ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our too hot to handle new page is from our friends Linda and PatDeE. Life is full of precious moments and memories. This page gives us photos that compel us to pause and relish the feelings of the moment that photographers were able to capture for our pleasure. For warm smiles, be sure to give it a few moments of your time here... _._ .' '. / \ ___ _.. _.--. | / |.' `'. ;-._ .' `\ .' `\ \| / \ .' `\/ ; / _ \.=..=./ _.' / | `\.---._| '. .-'-.}`.<>.`{-'-. / .--; . ( .' '. \ .---.{ <>()<> }.--..-' / _ \_ './ _. `-./ _},'<>`.{_ `\ ( = \ )`""'\;--. .' .-'/ )=..=;`\`- \ {= (| ) /`. ( / /| \ ) ( =_/ )__..-\ .'-..___.' : '.___..-' \ }/ / ;.____.-;/\ | ` | '--' | .' | \ \ /'. _.' \ ' / |\.\ ; /`--.-' ) .'`-. / \ \ |`| /__.-' \_.'jgs \ \ |-| Savor The Moment http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moments.html --- ...A most delightful one! Thanks my Friends! Our 2nd smoking hot new page is from our friends WilmaP and LouiseAu. It is one that will give you plenty of laughs for your day. Just when you thought you had seen it all, along comes this to surprise and amuse you... /___/____/____/____/_____/_______/______ /_/____/____/___/______/_____/_____/___ /_____/____/______/___/____/___/______/___/ /__/_____/_o__o/____/____/___/_____/____/______ | o__O_\o | __o \ o | __o| __) o _______ | | || \_/ o o | ___ | |_|_||/\_| o | | | || | |/_/\_\ o | |__ ||_|_/I/ \_\ o | |___/_/ \_\ o |() /_/ \_\ o | /_/ \_\ o o | / / ejm \ \ o |_ o o o o o o o o Radical Room Decor http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/radicaldecor.html --- ...LOL! Amazing! Thanks Ladies! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: _.--"""--._ .' '-. `. __/__ (-. `\ \ /o `o \ \ \ \ _\__.__/ )) | | ; .--;" | | \ ( `) | | \ _|`---' .' _, _| | `\ '`_\ \ '_,.-';_.-`\| \ \_ .' '--'---;` / / |\ |_..--' \ \'-'.' .--'.__/ __.-; `"` (___...---''` \ _/_ \ /jgs\ \___/ A dog walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work. The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you." The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine. The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a brick layer?" -<>- >Unpublished but Irrefutable Laws These laws are not scientifically proven, not theoretically reasonable and not professionally endorsed, but they are irrefutably true. O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. Kovac's Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one. Owen's Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Howden's Law: You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Bell's theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. Ruby's principle of close encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Willoughby's Law: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Zadra's Law of biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Breda's rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ May 10 is Clean up Your Room Day May 11 is Eat What You Want Day and Twilight Zone Day May 12 is Fatigue Syndrome Day, International Nurses Day, Limerick Day, National Receptionist Day and School Nurses Day May 13 is Frog Jumping Day, International Hummus Day and Leprechaun Day May 14 is Dance Like a Chicken Day May 15 is Armed Forces Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Slider Day and Police Officer's Memorial Day May 16 is Love a Tree Day, National Sea Monkey Day and Wear Purple for Peace Day ======================================================= >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: ,-----. W/,-. ,-.\W ()>a a<() (.--(_)--.) ,'/.-'\_/`-.\`. ,' / `-' \ `. / \ / \ / `. ,' \ / / `-._.-' \ \ ,-`-._/| |=|o |\_.-< <,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \ `-)| |// _ \\| )/ || |' | `| || | | | || ( )|( ) || | | | || | | | || |_.--.|.--._| || /'""| |""`\ [] `===' `===' hjw "We don't have many celebrities in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old." -<>- Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation. -<>- Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?" His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too. -<>- I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day. It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) ,,,,, ////""\ . (((/ m m -|- __ )))c = ) | (__) ////-./~` . [] (((( `.`\ :: [] )))`\ \)).-;.' .------, [] (() `._.-'` _( )[] )/ `. | .'`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^))\`.----'`[] jgs ( \' { ~ - ~~ _ ~ - ~~ - ~ - (( | | [] .-.--\ \ { )) | | [] |_;_._`\ |{ ((__|_|-----[] | ; ``` ;{ )) [] | /``-.____/ `~~~[]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'-' [] `' (__) (__) >SMILES Little Darlene surprised her mother with the postscript to her bedtime prayer: "And, dear Lord, please send the beautiful snow to keep the little flowers warm through the winter." Climbing into her bed, she confided to her mother: "That time I fooled Him. I really wanted the snow so I can go sledding on my new sled." -------- A lady is riding the bus, reading her Bible. A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You don't really believe what they say in there, do you?" "Every word," she replied. "OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals -- do you believe that?" "Oh, absolutely," she said. "What about God creating the universe in six days?" "All true, I believe every word." "What about Jonah -- how could a man live for three days in the belly of a whale?" he asks. "Yes, I believe that too," she says. "Well, how could that be -- I mean, how did he breathe?" "I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him." "What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks. The lady answers, "In that case, YOU can ask him!" -------- The nurse burst into the doctor's office. "Doctor!," She yelled, "you just gave a clean bill of health to Mr. Smith and and he dropped dead right outside the door!" The doctor jumped into action. "Quick," he said, "We've got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in." -------- There was a sign outside the door to the bathroom that said: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. So I did. -------- Uncle Seamus was a seafaring gent all his life. A while before he passed away, he made his nephews, Mick and Paddy, promise to bury him at sea. Eventually he did pass away and the boys set off in a row boat with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a body bag. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick. Let's row some more." After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his chest. After much more rowing, finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?" "Aye, that it is! Can yer hand me da shovel?" -------- The Texas Department of Labor claimed a commercial boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Corpus Christi to investigate him. Government agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand; he's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Bud Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one." Boat Owner: "That'd be me. What'd you want to know?" -------- The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year- old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for twenty minutes or more...but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle. The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know." ------- An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have for- gotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down." -------- A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help. "I'd like a box of birdseed" said the lady. "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully. "Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest." -------- At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousin shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'" -------- "How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife. "Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast." --- ...Oh No! TeeHee! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- ,''@, |.~.| : - : \-/ .-|\_/)-. / | Y -- \ / /\o /\ \ \ \_|___|_/ / \_/ \_/ | _ | | | | ( | ) | | | Sher^ | | | |__|__| (__|__) >Rednecks & Hicks Medical Tutorial Rednecks & Hicks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology. Here are Medical Terms and what they think when they hear it: * Artery - The study of paintings * Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria * Barium - What doctors do when patients die * Benign - What you be, after you be eight * Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome * Cat scan - Searching for Kitty * Cauterize - Made eye contact with her * Colic - A sheep dog * Coma - A punctuation mark * Dilate - To live long * Enema - Not a friend * Fester - Quicker than someone else * Fibula - A small lie * Impotent - Distinguished, well known * Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work * Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane * Morbid - A higher offer * Nitrates - Higher Rates of Pay for Working at Night, * Node - I knew it * Outpatient - A person who has fainted * Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis * Post Operative - A letter carrier * Recovery Room - Where they to do upholstery * Rectum - Nearly killed him * Secretion - Hiding something * Seizure - Roman Emperor * Tablet - A small table * Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport * Tumor - One plus one more * Urine - Opposite of you're out --- ...LOL! Oh my goodness! haHa! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From HandyHints: .:::. .:::. /:::::\ /:':':\ | _ | | _ | | (_` | | |_) | | ,_) | | | | | | jgs | | /`'---'`\ /`'---'`\ `'-----'` `'-----'` There are many ways to skip harmful chemicals when deodorizing your home. Before you reach for commercial detergents and deodorizers, try one of nature's fresheners that are as safe as they are effective! * Lift carpet smells with a saltshaker The easy way to rid rugs of trapped-in odors is simply shake a generous amount of table salt onto the fibers before going to bed, then vacuum it up in the morning. Salt is a super-deodorizer that has the double benefit of naturally killing tiny pests that hide in rugs, like fleas, by drying out the moisture they need to thrive. * Kill laundry funk with a vodka cocktail If you have extra-smelly clothes, like work-out gear, sitting in your laundry basket, whip up a pretreatment spray of 1 part vodka (a potent bacteria-killer) to 3 parts water, and mist onto clothes. The alcohol eliminates odor without leaving behind a smell or stains. -<>- Getting on your hands and knees to clean your baseboards is anything but enjoyable. The good news? You can keep them clean and keep your house smelling fresh with one clever trick: Attach a dryer sheet to your Swiffer in place of a microfiber cloth and pick up all that unwanted dust while lending a sweet scent to your home. * Grate Cold Butter A fellow reader wrote in and submitted this hint, so I haven't tried this little trick just yet, but I love the idea! Your stick of butter has to be close to frozen for it to work, and you must work fast to keep it from melting, but the grated butter is perfect for adding to flour before baking biscuits, scones, muffins, etc.. It also makes the butter melt much faster, so if your butter is too cold to spread, consider grating it first and then topping toast, veggies, or a baked potato! * Miracle Cleaner for Cookie Sheets I actually have a few cookie sheets that look just gross! They seem to rust and get grimy really fast. I just cover them with foil before doing any actual baking. Time for a cleaning? I think so. Not only does this cookie sheet miracle cleaner only require two ingredients, but there's also no scrubbing required! Just let it sit and do its job while you tackle other things. After sprinkling the spot with baking soda; spraying with hydrogen peroxide; then another layer of baking soda I left it sitting there like that while we went to breakfast. When we got home I rubbed a little of the cleaner off and was actually quite astonished to see MOST of the gunk came right off! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: Justice With Judge Pirro 5/8/2021 https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x815ylt Watters' World 5/8/21 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxTMD5kMMwE WATCH: Heroic Female NYPD Cop Carries Wounded Child To Safety In Midst Of Times Square Shooting https://tinyurl.com/ysxs9z7p Fauci Claims Life May be Close to Normal by Mother’s Day 2022 / Did Biden’s Stimulus Bill Kill Job Growth, or Just the Incentive to Work? / Digital Currency Linked Back to Chicom Surveillance State, Puts Dollar at Risk / GOP Gov’s Are Ending COVID Payouts, so People Go Back to Work / Melinda Wanted Divorce After Discovering Bill Hung Out with Epstein https://reliablenewsnow.com/ Latest From Deep State Journal: https://deepstatejournal.com/ Latest From 2020 Conservative: http://2020conservative.com/ Latest From Independent Minute: https://independentminute.com/ Latest From TPN News: https://threepercenternation.com/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Students For Life https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6 Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: Recall Alert: Pasta, Mushrooms, Protein Powder http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2 -<>- >From BizarreNews: They say Australians are tough. Even so, it seems a little extreme to go wandering around the streets punching babies in the face. But then, if you have to grow up in Australia you might as well get acclimated to it early. Maybe that was the motivation of a homeless man who unloaded a knuckle sandwich on a little girl's face outside a cafe in Sydney. Police reported the 16-month-old was in her baby stroller with her parents outside the cafe around 11:30 a.m. The homeless man approached the baby stroller and punched her in the face, apparently without reason or provocation. The man ran from the scene and the baby's father ran after him while telling passersby to contact the police. Officers who arrived at the scene, caught the homeless man hiding inside a nearby building. The 28-year-old Nicholas Troy Bolas was arrested and charged with assault causing actual bodily harm. The baby suffered a small laceration to the face and was treated at the scene by paramedics. Nobody asked how the assailant's hand felt after punching the iron-like jaw of that baby. -<>- They they take a dim view of overly loud s%x in Tennessee. But you better be careful of who you complain to or you might end up like the poor victim in today's story. A couple was arrested on charges of assault after they allegedly stabbed their neighbor because he complained about them having loud s&x, police in Tennessee said. Hawkins County Police said that they have arrested 33-year- old Johnny Allen Richards and 32-year-old Erin Brooke Lawson, after they were accused of stabbing their next-door neighbor. The neighbor called the police to report loud noises coming from a nearby apartment. Police came and determined that the couple were making loud noises during s&x. When the neighbor called the police for the second time, the couple went to his door and forced their way into the apartment (because the couple that breaks and enters together stays together). Richards and Lawson went on to stab the man. Richards was charged with aggravated assault. *-- Belgian farmer mistakenly moves country's border --* A Belgian farmer moved a 330-pound stone out of the path of his tractor and unwittingly changed the border between Belgium and France by 7 1/2 feet. Mayor David Lavaux, of Erquelinnes, said historians walking the area in which stones had been placed to mark the border between Belgium and France under the 1820 Treaty of Kortrijk noticed one of the stones had been moved into Bousignies-sur-Roc, France. "Belgium and our municipality are enlarged; the French don't agree, obviously. Gonna have to put things back in place," Lavaux wrote in a Facebook post. Lavaux said the farmer will not face any legal consequences if he returns the stone to its original position. *--- An Indiana Funeral ---* Several men are facing firearms and drug charges after police witnessed a vehicle run cars off the road during a funeral procession and men displaying weapons out of the vehicle's sunroof and windows, according to the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department. IMPD says its Crime Gun Intelligence Center was conducting surveillance on a case when it observed a funeral procession pass by. During the procession, CGIC saw a vehicle occupied by men running cars off the road and displaying weapons out of the sunroof and windows of the vehicle, according to police. CGIC surveyed the vehicle until it could be safely stopped at a gas station. Authorities detained five people and discovered five firearms during the investigation in addition to narcotics and marijuana. *--- Space wine to sell for $1 million ---* Auction house Christie's announced a bottle of French wine that spent more than a year aging on the International Space Station is expected to sell for around $1 million. Christie's said the bottle of Petrus 2000 was one of a dozen bottles of wine that were launched into orbit in 2019 and spent nearly 440 days in space before being brought back to earth. A bottle of the wine that spent time in space was compared to a bottle that aged on Earth in a tasting that featured a dozen wine professionals and scientists, and the panel said the space bottle was found to have its own unique flavor profile. Christie's said the bottle of wine is being sold with a second bottle that was aged on Earth so the buyer can compare the two. The sale also includes "a decanter, glasses and a corkscrew made from a meteorite." Christie's said the wine bottle is available immediately through a private sale, with proceeds going toward funding future space missions and wine research. *--- This is a rotten way to get high ---* I've heard of 'aging' beef, but this is ridiculous. People are eating rotten, raw meat in a bid to get high in the latest bizarre social media trend. Those taking part in the trend have dubbed it as "high meat" and use meat that has been left to rot over a period of weeks or months. The participants don't cook the meat, and instead eat the flesh raw. One Twitter user said a friend had convinced them to eat the meat raw and rotten and that it "actually felt great", they were also asked if they became sick after eating the meat and they replied "not at all". Another explained: "I get an immediate high. Rotten meat is the best cure for depression." The reaction could be caused by a number of things including the delirium caused by severe poisoning or the reaction to the bacteria hitting the stomach. There are many risks associated with eating raw meat, such as Salmonella, Listeria and E.coli - all of these are destroyed when meat is cooked properly. --- ...Not to mention nasty 'Tummy Bugs' - GROSS! https://tinyurl.com/ab7jmbcu ========================================================= >-->From TheGroaner: __.._ ____...-` \ /``'-.. `~-..`(.-~~~| / `-. : : ,``. .<____/ `:_ ` `..` .` / / \ /:`-. `. `. ,` / \_.'.`.,,: |`._`-.__\_.-``.-' `._ `.,,`-`....-.`~`.'`. c `. HD`-. `,`. ._ ) ``` `--` >Elephant and the Turtle An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant with a wink, "turtle recall." -<>- >The Genealogy of Mr. Jack Schitt The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. -<>- _ /X \ _------_ / \ | | | | | __ __) | / \/ \ /\/\ (o )o ) /c \__/ --. \_ _-------' | / \ | | '\_______) | \_____) |_____ | |_____/\/\ / \ unknown >Great One-Liners I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. -<>- >An Awful Big Hole One day Timmy was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decided to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. "My goldfish died and I'm burying him," Timmy replied. "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. "That's because he's inside your cat!" -<>- >Q and A Quickies Q: If "I am" is the shortest sentence in the world, what is the longest sentence? A: "I do!" Q: Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery? A: So he could loaf around! Q: What do you call two men hanging from a window? A: Curt and Rod! .'``'. ... :o o `....'` ; `. O :' `': `. `:. `. : `. `. `..'`... `. `... `. jgs ``... `. `````. Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch? A: A Boo-logna sandwich. Q: What did one dog say to the other? A: "Sit down quick, here comes old cold nose." Q: How do you know that your tiger is telling the truth? A: He's not a lion. ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this? In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces... When very tall men shower: ._____________________________. / Don't worry about it -- \ | It's personality that counts. | \ ____________________________/ ////// | / .-. / 66 `' .-. | | /C \ | | (:::) / c (:::) ..... \ / ..... ........._| |_ ......... ........./ \ ........... ___.._______________________.._____.._______________________..____ || || || || || || || || [] || || [] || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || [ ] [ ] || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || [] || || [] || || || || || || || || |!_______________________!| |!_______________________!| | || | | || || | | ( `--_ | | _-' ) ( `-_ | ___|_________________________|_____|_________________________|____ Art by Felix Roy Mariposa Written by Joe Bakanauskas That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower. -<>- After their expulsion from paradise, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." -<>- "Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective. "Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of." "And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant. "Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear,' and dozed off." -<>- A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy man wanted; apply within." So he does and speaks to the foreman. "Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks. "No." "Can you plaster?" "No." "Have you ever done any carpentry?" "No." "If you don't mind me asking," says the foreman, "what's so handy about you?" "Well, I only live about five minutes down the road..." -<>- _,, (/..\ \ -/ _\`.|_ /`H I'\ ( (H I- ) \/==O=\/ > , \ / / \ /\ \ / \ / _ ," `-.`'/ --. \P Ojo. `"" >10 Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one. 6. Keep it simple: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something looks level, it is level. 10. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid. -<>- \\\\ c oo | .U __=__ ,,, |. __|___ oo ; ||_/ / / U= _ 0 \_/__/__E o /. .| | (___ || |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'----'~| I---||| |-----------------------| I ||| | c(__) | ^ '--'' ^ ^ Petrus >What the Doctor says and what he really means Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away." Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. Doctor: "Let me check your medical history." Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you." Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news." Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests." Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab. Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests." Translation: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it. ========================================================= >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: >Quotes: To prejudge other's notions before we have looked into them is not to show their darkness, but to put out our own eyes. -- John Locke A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James -<>- /"""""/""""""". / / \ __ / / \ || /____ / \ || | | In Loving | || | | Memory | || | | | || | | 3/4/45-2/9/21 | || | | * * * * | _||_ | | *\/* *\/* | | TT | | | *_\_ / ...""""""| || |.""....""""""""."" | | \/.."""""..."""\ || /.""".......""""... | |...."""""""........""""""^^^^"......."""""""".." |......"""""""""""""""........"""""...."""""..""-Ray W. A woman is at her mother's funeral and she sees this hunk of a guy. It was love at first sight. Before she can talk to him, he vanished. She searches for him but could not find him any where. A few months later she killed her younger prettier sister. Q: Why did she do this? What was her motive? Scroll Down for the answer... . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: This woman killed her sister in hopes that this man would show up at that funeral as well. If you got this right, better check in for some help! To those of you that read this question and didn't get it right, don't feel bad, this line of thought is how psychopaths think. To normal people like us, this line of reasoning makes absolutely no sense. To a psychopath however, it only stands to reason that, since she met this man at her mother’s funeral, killing her sister would ensure he'd show up to that funeral as well. -<>- >California Drivers License This is a new Driving Exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique to California, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special Application and driver's test solely for the California area. 2021 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION Name: ___________________ Stage Name: __________________ Agent: ___________________ Attorney: ____________________ Therapist's Name: _________________ Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both [ ] None *If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No Please list brand of cell phone: ________. If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't: ______________________________________________ (Use extra pages, if necessary) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] None [ ] Other ___________ Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Shaving (male or female) [X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience) [ ] Lifting weights [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [ ] Snorting cocaine [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop [ ] Discharging firearms / reloading [ ] Smoking Jane Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to: [ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___ [ ] b) Be shot at ___ If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately: [ ] a) Call the police to report the crime. [ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high- speed chase. [ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through. [ ] d) Call your therapist. In the event of an earthquake, you should: [ ] a) Stop your car. [ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best. [ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones. [ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9. In the instance of rain, you should: [ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH. [ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual. [ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________ Are you presently taking any of the following medications? [ ] a) Prozac [ ] b) Zovirax [ ] c) Lithium [ ] d) Zanax [ ] e) Valium [ ] f) Medical pot [ ] g) Zoloft [ ] h) All of the above [ ] i) None of the above* * If none, please explain: __________________. Length of daily commute: [ ] a) Less than 1 hour* [ ] b) 1 hour [ ] c) 2 hours [ ] d) 3 hours [ ] e) 4 hours or more *If less than 1 hour, please explain: ____________________. When stopped by police, you should: [ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready. [ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway. [ ] c) Have your phone to video and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit or viral social media. When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means: [ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken. [ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes. [ ] c) She is drying her nails. Which part of your car will wear out first? [ ] a) The wiper blades [ ] b) The seat belts [ ] c) The horn Automatic door locks are good for: [ ] a) Security [ ] b) Convenience [ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in. The "bright" setting on your headlights is for: [ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads [ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way [ ] c) Revenge If you are over the age of 75 or an immigrant or a minority, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, read signs or move. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Sunken Treasure In A Field http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/steamboat.html London At Night http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/london.html SubTropolis: Underground Park http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/subtropolisup.html Growing Fruits And Vegetables http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fruitsandveggies.html Humor With Mailboxes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mailboxhumor.html Montreal Gardens http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/montreal.html Right Angle Photography http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/anglephoto.html Salute To Texas http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/salutetexas.html Nostalgic Golden Memories http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/goldenoldie.html Thoughts Into Action http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/action.html God's Spring Paintings http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gspring.html Identity Theft 5 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/identitytheft5.html Pet Confessions http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/petconfessions.html Only ONE Job 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/onejob2.html Only In Australia http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/australia.html Kids Being Kids 4 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kids4.html IRONIC Isn't It 2? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/irony2.html Humorous Signs 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hsigns3.html Pets In Camouflage http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/petshiding.html Look Who's Talking 9 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/talking9.html MacGyver - How To Do It 5!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/macgyver5.html -<>- >From Our Friend Fran :) She sent us one we have here... Historical Photos In Color http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/historycolorphotos.html --- ...an amazing one indeed! Thanks Fran! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseAu :) She sent us one we have here... And that's why God gave them camels! Life's Little Oops 15! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops15.html --- ...LOL! Good reminder! Thanks LouiseAu! 'Hello' re-mixed with the voices of Elvis Presley, Sean Connery, Bruce Lee, Danny de Vito, George Clooney, Leslie Nielsen, Ben Kingsley, Tom Cruise and others. https://youtu.be/0LItwotkcWA --- ...Love it! Thanks LouiseAu! Check out the cool technology Whooshh Innovations is using to Save the Salmon and Feed the Planet. This cool technology is allowing fish to be easily transported over dams and around hatcheries. It even allows for the sorting of invasive species that aren’t good for the wild Salmon. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN6sjnUbjoM --- ...Pretty cool! Thanks LouiseAu! The Best Card Trick Ever performed by James Galea at The Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala. This is a really cool card trick and I love how smoothly he pulled it off. I’m sure there’s an easy explanation to how he did this card trick but to me, it doesn’t matter as I simply like the comedy style magic performance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkSLGXdV4YU Magician Bill Malone performs “Sam the Bellhop” which is without a doubt one of the best card tricks you’ll ever see. Not only are his sleight of hand skills amazing but his storytelling is funny and entertaining. As you can see from the audience’s reaction at the end they definitely enjoyed this card trick. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VctYnxnnTmE --- ...Stunning! Thanks LouiseAu! 25 Natural Phenomena You Have To See To Believe https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iyz0QYFq8bc Dutch illusionist Hans Klok vs. the clock performing his fastest illusions: faster than he ever did. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkroOheXzA8 --- ...Wowsers! Amazing! Mind blowing! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "In Philadelphia, police are looking for a man who robbed a Dunkin' Donuts, and was caught on a surveillance camera doing some stretches in the parking lot just beforehand. Police are on the lookout for the only health- conscious person to ever enter a Dunkin' Donuts." -Conan O'Brien "United Airlines is investigating a report that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago. He was survived by his wife and 167 children." -Seth Meyers "According to a new study, 88 percent of Facebook users have admitted to spending some time looking at their exs profile. While the other 12 percent have admitted to spending ALL of their time looking at their ex's profile." -Jimmy Fallon "American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby." -Conan O'Brien "A major food company has recalled two types of frozen hash browns because the potatoes may contain pieces of golf balls. Doctors say if you've already ingested pieces of golf balls, the best thing is to just let them play through." -James Corden "A New Jersey restaurant has begun selling a massive taco- covered pizza for $75. 'Seems a little steep,' said a customer who was looking at the three steps in front of the restaurant." -Seth Meyers "I read that after the success of their in-store cafes, Ikea might open its own restaurants. Which is great, until you have to assemble your own table." -Jimmy Fallon "An archaeologist is claiming he has discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched 'The Wizard of Oz.'" -Conan O'Brien "A woman in the U.K. held a wedding ceremony to marry herself. I don't know how to tell you this, but I think that lady you just married might be crazy." -Seth Meyers >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $26 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all web site list readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe **********************************************************************