Merry Christmas!... :) Shangy!
>Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList:
To Subscribe send a blank email to
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Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
adult club in the love and romance directory so
you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!
or Web Site:
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Group email address:
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or email me here:
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
================
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
__,_,_,__) __,__ ,__) ,__)
(--| | | _ ,_,_ (--/ `|_ ,_' ,-|-,_,_, _, ,
_| | |(/_| | (_| _\__)| || |/_)| | | |(_|/_)
( ,_| ( |_, |_,
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
*~* Wishing You All A Safe And Most Blessed Christmas Celebration!
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|/(_)\ .'.-.`. `(_)' (_) (_) (_)
|// \\ `/(_)\' // \\ _/ | _/ | _/ |
_ _ \/| |/ //)_(\\ \| |/ %%__/| $$__/| &&__/|
_-(_)- _-(_)- | | | /(o___))\ | | | | | | | |
`(___) `(___) | | | ` / \' | | | | | | | |
jgs // \\ // \\ | |_| /_____\ |_| |_| |_| |_|
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press! :)
This super hottie is from our friend Linda. So stunning
and striking, I just had to share it with all of you.
Check it out here...
()_()()_()
/ ..)(.. \
__/ ( || ) \_
(_/ * * (_)
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\__/ | |
> \ /
<__,--,__|/|_>
unknown
God's Most Beautiful
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mostbeautiful.html
---
...Most Awesome photography! Thanks Linda!
-<>-
>-->From Our Friend KarenF :)
>MERRY CHRISTMAS!
* * *
* *
* .===.""*
* /'::::\ *\_
(` '::|* / \
_.,--`-.`_;/.-/ ;
_.-'; \ _`'._.' /|
.-'/. ` '._(_\_.' / |
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\ '-._ _.-' _.'
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'._ \ _.-'
jgs '-._\_.-'
Happy Birthday Lord Jesus!!!
Jesus:
Read at least the first two lines. I've never thought of it this way!
Jesus died over 2000 years ago.
Nobody has ever referred to him as the late Jesus,
Not even the heathens.
Nowhere in history.
No where has He EVER been referred to in the past tense!
He is the Living Savior!
97% OF US WON'T FORWARD THIS MESSAGE.
When Jesus died on the cross He was thinking of us!
If you are one of the 3% who will stand up for Him, please forward this.
"May God Smile upon you today!"
---
...Amen! Thanks KarenF!
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone: Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new
product for __
Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. __/ \
/ \-./
"The idea came to me the other day when \_ 66\_
a homeless man asked me for money," re- \ ____)o
calls Gates. "I suddenly realized that )_(_________
we were missing a golden opportunity. .-. /| W I L L |
Here was a chance to make a profit (_/ \ / | W O R K ()
without any initial monetary investment. | \ \ F O R |
Naturally, this man then became my \ \_)C A C H E |
competition, so I had my limo driver '-'/`\"\""""""`
run over him several times." / / \ \/^)
( \ \ /
Microsoft engineers have been working around the \__) "` jgs
clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for
the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor
and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader
Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows
95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if
they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to
get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer
Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what
panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in
which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is
transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user
can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the
user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been
implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running
within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows
2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy,
which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh
your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their
own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers
asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines
asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General
pandemonium then ensued.
=======================================================
+---------- BIZARRE DECEMBER HOLIDAYS ------------+
December 24 is National Egg Nog Day
December 25 is National Pumpkin Pie Day
December 26 is National Whiners Day
December 27 is National Fruitcake Day
December 28 is Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day
December 29 is Pepper Pot Day
December 30 is Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and
National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day
December 31 is Unlucky Day
========================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun :)
_
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>High Cost of Free
Outraged by the high charges that the computer service wanted for
repair work, one employee asked her co-worker which service she used.
"My sons," was the reply. "They both have degrees in Computer Science."
"So you get that kind of work done for nothing," the friend marveled.
The co-worker smiled. "Actually, I figured that it cost me about
$140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free."
-<>-
>Jury Questions
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit
to questioning by the opposing lawyers.
"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.
"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.
"And how did that turn out?"
"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."
-<>-
>New Father
"Just relax," the hospital staff kept telling the young father-to-be,
but it was to no avail. His wife was in labor and he was a nervous
wreck.
After what seemed like a week, a nurse came out with the happy news,
"It's a girl!" she announced.
"A girl! Thank God!" said the new dad. "She'll never have to go through
what I just went through!"
-<>-
>Puppies
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary
clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed
over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be
difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the
water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had
finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I didn't know they needed be baptized, too."
-<>-
.-""""""""""-.
/ `\
/ .--.---.-.-.--.-;.
; { ' . ' . ' . '}
| {__'_,__.__'__.__'_}
| / _ _ \
| ; / \ / \ ;
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\ | \_/ \_/ |
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|. ' \ '. .' /
\ ` / '. '-.__.-' .'
'--' '-._ _.-'
jgs ''''
>Used Car
My wife had just bought a five-year-old car. The first time I drove it,
I told her something seemed to be wrong with the suspension.
I parked the car and then proceeded to give it a "shock test." I
clasped one hand over the other, squared my shoulders, pushed down with
all my weight on one corner and quickly released it to see if it
bounced more than once. I repeated this several times.
A pedestrian standing behind me observed, "I doubt that even CPR could
start that car."
=========================================================
>-->Christmas Cheer from CupO'Cheer:
__,_,_,___) _______
(--| | | (--/ ),_) ,_)
| | | _ ,_,_ | |_ ,_ ' , _|_,_,_, _ ,
__| | | (/_| | (_| | | || |/_)_| | | |(_|/_)___,
( |___, ,__| \____) |__, |__,
| _...._
\ _ / .::o:::::.
(\o/) .:::'''':o:.
--- / \ --- :o:_ _:::
>*< `:}_>()<_{:'
>0<@< @ `'//\\'` @
>>>@<<* @ # // \\ # @
>@>*<0<<< __#_#____/'____'\____#_#__
>*>>@<<<@<< [__________________________]
>@>>0<<<*<<@< |=_- .-/\ /\ /\ /\--. =_-|
>*>>0<<@<<<@<<< |-_= | \ \\ \\ \\ \ |-_=-|
>@>>*<<@<>*<<0<*< |_=-=| / // // // / |_=-_|
\*/ >0>>*<<@<>0><<*<@<< |=_- |`-'`-'`-'`-' |=_=-|
___\\U//___ >*>>@><0<<*>>@><*<0<< | =_-| o o |_==_|
|\\ | | \\| >@>>0<*<<0>>@<<0<<<*<@< |=_- | ! ( ! |=-_=|
| \\| | _(UU)_ >((*))_>0><*<0><@<<<0<*< _|-,-=| ! ). ! |-_-=|_
|\ \| || / //||.*.*.*.|>>@<<*<<@>><0<<@=-((=_| ! __(:')__ ! |=_==_-\
|\\_|_|&&_// ||*.*.*.*|_\\db//__ (\_/)-=))-|/^\=^=^^=^=/^\| _=-_-_\
""""|'.'.'.|~~|.*.*.*| ____|_ =('.')=// ,------------.
jgs |'.'.'.| ^^^^^^|____|>>>>>>| ( ~~~ )/ (((((((())))))))
~~~~~~~~ '""""`------' `w---w` `------------'
>I ALMOST MISSED A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
David Langerfeld
Dec 2, 2009
Bethlehem, 2000 - The excitement was building. We were standing
in the Shepherd's Fields just outside of Bethlehem. We were ready
to go into the Shepherd's Caves and sing Christmas Carols. Some
members of the tour group had done it with me on previous trips.
For others, it was their first time - but everyone was excited.
Bethlehem... Christmas Carols... Shepherd's Caves... Who wouldn't
be excited?
We had always done it. We had always sung carols in these
Shepherd's caves - Because once you did, you were never the
same. So, I planned it so that everyone could experience it. My
plans were about to be fulfilled. We would sing Christmas carols
inside the Shepherd's Caves in the hills of Bethlehem.
There was a problem. It was crowded. The year 2000 had bought
more groups than ever to Israel. The Shepherd's Caves were full!
We waited... and waited... No groups were leaving the caves. Our
time was growing short. We were about to miss out on our
chance.
I was disappointed. I knew what a blessing our group was about to
miss. I expressed my disappointment to God. "God, we've always
sung in the caves. No one is ever the same after they do! We have
to do it, Lord. We've always done it that way. If we don't, our
group will miss out on the blessing of Bethlehem. Can't you work
it out to open one of the caves for us?"
None of the other groups left the caves. We didn't get to sing carols
in the Shepherd's Caves. disappointed, I led the group to the top of
the hill - to a small chapel called "The Chapel of the Angels." We
would sing there - but I knew it wouldn't be the same. It couldn't
be, because we had always done it only one way.
Once inside the "Chapel of the Angels," we started singing carols.
Most of the group had tears in their eyes as we sang "Silent Night."
For them, Christmas already had a new meaning.
A MIRACLE - Then, it happened. A group from Germany entered
the chapel. While we were singing "Silent Night"
in English, they started singing it in German. Two other groups
entered as well. There were now four groups singing Christmas
Carols. Every time I started our group in a song, we were joined by
an "International Choir" singing in German, French and Spanish!!!
There was not a dry eye in the chapel. Everyone called it a
"Christmas" miracle.
I almost missed out on that "Christmas Miracle" -- me, the
"spiritual leader" of the group. Why? Because I was so intent on
doing it the way we'd always done it. If we didn't follow the same
traditions of Bethlehem that we'd always followed, I just knew that
we wouldn't be blessed.
What about you? Does God have a special blessing or a miracle for
you this Christmas? If you're so intent on making sure that you
follow the same traditions, that you do exactly the same things that
you always do each Christmas, you may miss out on a special
blessing or a Christmas miracle.
Two thousand years ago, the people of Bethlehem were doing
things the way they'd always done them. People were working,
shopping, visiting and worshipping. Due to the census, extended
families from far-away places had returned home and were visiting
with their friends and families - swapping gifts and memories. In
the midst of their traditional way of doing things, God performed
the greatest miracle of all - the birth of his Son, Jesus Christ.
With the exception of some shepherds, the introduction of God's
Son almost went unnoticed. Don't miss out on a miracle this
Christmas just because "We've never done it that way before."
--David Langerfeld, Copyright (c)2000.
(The Timothy Report, www.timothyreport.com)
-<>-
|
'.|.'
-= + =-
___ .'|'. ___
******* | *******
/-====) | (_.- ))
| / '( )' ) ))
/ / _/ \_( ((
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/ | \ //| |\\ /'-( (
/ \ \/\/ *** \/\/ / ) )
| |\ / .=. \ / ( (
`-;./ ;-' _\/(")\/_ '-; ) )
| \ |'---'| / ( (
| \ _| |_ / ) )
_/ | /\ /\ | ( (
jgs .-/ / '=' \ ( )-.
`""---`-----` `----`----`""`
>THE GIFT OF LOVE
(Author Unknown)
If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of
twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my
family, I'm just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies,
preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table
at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another
cook.
If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all
that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits
me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted
snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the
choir's cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn't envy another's home that has coordinated Christmas
china and table linens.
Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way.
Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return but
rejoices in giving to those who can't.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures
all things.
Love never fails.
Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs
will rust. But giving the gift of love will endure.
as seen in Laugh and Lift
-<>-
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//\ || /\\
//'.\||/.'\\
//___> <___\\
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// \\
// .-"-. \\
// ( (`\) \\
// '-/| `\ \\
// .-"-. / | || \\
// (.-. ) / | || \\
|| / /)-' =`-.| || ||
||/ / '-| .-""-. | =\| ||
|/ |'./ (__()__) | | ||
/ /\====\ /==| |=||
/_.-' | >--< |-.-| ||
jgs |----' `-.-' ||
>IT'S LOVE
by Peder Eide, www.pedereide.com
I am currently sitting on a plane after a concert on my "Love Has
Come" Christmas Tour. A bit tired, squished in my seat, and cold
because apparently we need to make the airplane feel like a
Minnesota winter to keep the holiday mood real. Oh, a blanket
would be nice right now...
So with Delta-frostbite, I'm trying to type out this devo for Second
Sunday of Advent. The second candle on our traditional wreath
represents love, a word we recognize as the heartbeat of God the
Father. It's actually who He is. There is so much we can write. The
power of love, the abuse of the meaning of the word, and so much
in between. So for our devo, I want you to focus on what it feels
like to be in the presence of the genuine, godly, and what I would
call, advent love.
Let me introduce you to Lonna Grabenstien. Lonna is a woman
who ministers at American Lutheran in Gothenburg, Nebraska. She
is a wife of many years, a mom of three awesome children, and
now a grandma to three grandchildren. I've known Lonna for most
of the years of my music ministry. We just performed our
Christmas concert at her church and "loved" is what comes to my
mind.
From the first step out of our vehicle on our arrival, to the closing
of the door of the truck at our departure, I witness from afar the act
of loving people like Jesus talks about.
As soon as we arrive and Lonna appears in the picture, there are
kids begging for her attention, and everyone gets not just a
courtesy, but full attention to whatever question they have or
even just telling her a story (even if it has no relevance to what's
going on.)
She listens with more than patience. She listens with joy. It is
amazing to see. It's constant. It has a touch of chaos. Every student
is affirmed and even blessed with touch and words that have a
feeling of destiny. You would think Lonna would get worn
down to a level of just being tolerant but there is no way that's
happening. Every child feels like her favorite. I think they are.
It's love.
Then there are the older ones. The junior high, senior high, and
adults. It's the same thing. In every introduction of anyone who
comes our way, she speaks words of beauty about each person like
I'm meeting a dignitary or someone who is about to cure an awful
disease. It's not a sale; it's not a pitch. It's real passion and
understanding for each person who walks up to us.
It's love.
When the concert was over, my dear friend Lonna was at it again
so pouring thank yous and blessings onto everyone who came for
the evening event. And then my heart was touched by how during
our loading out of our production gear, she would encourage me
with more stories and words of how she could see God moving
throughout the whole concert and that there were so many people
who needed to hear what was said.
It's love.
You probably know someone like Lonna in your life. They are out
there, and we love to be around them. It's truly attractive and
inviting and fun to be around those who love with more than just
niceness but with true passion for who you are.
We just worshiped on the Sundays of Advent are about love. We
remember that God has sent His Son Jesus at Christmas not out of
duty, obligation, or need but because of something else.
It's love.
My question to you is this: Do you realize you could be a Lonna to
someone else today? Right now? Like even as you are reading this,
there is someone in your life who needs what you have and you
can give it to them.
It's love.
This is a straight-forward challenge, directive, commissioning to
you this week: Go give something real, unconditional, powerful,
through your words, actions, giving, time, effort to someone very
specific in your world and do it because you can.
You have all training, skill, and resource necessary to succeed.
You can not fail. Why? Because...
It's love.
God is good all the time,
Peder
-<>-
To SUBSCRIBE: Send an e-mail with SUBSCRIBE CUP O'CHEER
in the subject line to cheer316kim@sc.rr.com.
========================================================
>-->From Our Friend KarenF :)
/\
/ \
.---< >---.
| _\ /_ |
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_.-' '-./\.-' '-._
'-._ _.-'\/'-._ _.-'
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jgs \`> /__> D
2000 (/(/ /_.-""`
>Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.
Through the years
We all will be together,
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
Merry Christmas!
---
...Sweet! Thanks KarenF!
======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
>From BizarreNews:
Like the comedian Jim Gaffigan pointed out, a lot of our
holiday traditions seem like the actions of a drunk. Who
chops down a tree and drags it inside their house (without
drinking a 12 pack of beer and a half pint of whiskey first)?
But our holiday oddities seem quaint and homey compared to
some of the bizarre things they do to celebrate Christmas
around the world.
In Catalonia, families gather around the "caga tio," a log
that's decorated with a cartoon face and plied with treats
in the weeks before Christmas. On Christmas day, the children
sing a song and beat the log with sticks until it 'poops' out
presents (caga is the Catalonian equivalent of 'caca,' and
means 'pooping').
In Austria, the Christmas season kicks off on Dec. 5 with
Krampusnacht Krampus, St. Nick's demonic polar opposite, is
a goat-horned devil that shakes fistfuls of rusty chains at
passing children. According to legend, naughty kids are
snatched by Krampus and dragged to his mountain lair. In
more recent years, the custom has morphed into a sort of
Halloween in December, giving people a chance to dress up
and parade around in their ghoulish costumes.
In the Netherlands, the Dutch add a little fear to their
holiday celebrations with Zwarte Piet. In a rather racist
custom that has persisted to this day, Zwarte Piet, or Black
Peter, is Santa's slave who abducts Dutch children that mis-
behave, taking them back to Spain, where it is said that
Santa and Peter spend their off-season. In a scene many
Americans would find shocking, the Dutch dress up as Black
Peter, donning black face and Afro wigs, in order to
accompany Santa.
So don't be too critical when Dad dresses up at Santa this
year and smells a little like scotch and cigarettes. It could
be a lot worse.
*-- Woman says hypnotists stole her cash --*
MOSCOW - A Russian woman told police two other women robbed
her by using hypnotism to trick her into handing over
$40,000. The Moscow woman told police the thieves approach-
ed her after she withdrew the money from her bank account
and hypnotized her to convince her to hand over the cash
to break a spell placed on her husband and son, RIA Novosti
reported Friday. Police said the thieves could face a
possible 10 years in jail if they are caught and convicted.
*-- Dogs chase burglar after presents --*
GAINSVILLE, Fla. - Score one for man's best friend: Barking
dogs chased a would-be robber targeting Christmas gifts out
of a Florida home, police said. Timothy Devon Lawrence,
36, of Gainsville, Fla., broke into a home around 3 a.m.
as the homeowners were asleep upstairs and was allegedly
ready to boost some 18 packages, police said. That's when
the victim's alert pooches awoke and began barking, the
Gainsville (Fla.) Sun said Wednesday. When the victim
opened her bedroom door, the dogs raced downstairs and
chased Lawrence out of the house. The woman called police
who used canines of their own to track the suspect to a
nearby residence where Lawrence had also tried to break
in, officers said. He allegedly was found hiding in nearby
bushes and charged with burglary, grand theft and possess-
ion of a concealed firearm, police said.
*-- Drunk patron leads to drink limit for pool --*
MUNICH, Germany - A German pool complex said a drunken
guest biting police officers was the last straw leading to
a three-drink limit for visitors. The Erding Thermal baths
near Munich, which features a bar in a warm water pool,
said it has had problems with drunken guests for years,
but the last straw was a 35-year-old Austrian man who was
naked and causing a disturbance in one of the saunas, The
Local.de reported Tuesday. The complex said the man pushed
a security guard into a pool and pulled out a chunk of the
other man's hair. Police arrived and the man bit a female
officer in the thigh and a male officer in the arm. Police
said the man injured a third officer's shoulder. Officials
at the resort said the incident has resulted in the
imposition of a three-drink limit for guests. "This was
the final straw," said Jorg Wund, manager if the Erding
Thermal Baths. "Self control does not work."
*-- Indiana Jones journal origin a mystery --*
CHICAGO - Officials at the University of Chicago said an
apparent Indiana Jones fan sent a replica movie prop to
the school addressed to "Henry Walton Jones Jr." Admissions
counselor Grace Chapin said workers were left scratching
their heads when no "Henry Walton Jones" could be found in
the school directory, the Chicago Tribune reported Monday.
"We gave it to a student worker, and the kid came back
laughing once he Googled it," Chapin said. "Some of us are
in a haze with finals, you know, so he said it was Indiana
Jones' name. Then we opened it, and it was very bizarre.
There was no explanation as to why it was with us, so we
talked about it and decided to put it online." Workers
said they opened the package and discovered an elaborate
replica of fictional professor Abner Ravenwood's journal
from the "Raiders of the Lost Ark" film. Chapin said
Lucasfilm, the studio that made the Indiana Jones films,
said it does not know where the journal came from. She
said some have theorized the faux postmark on the journal
itself may have confused the U.S. Postal Service if it
fell out of its original packaging. Chapin said the journal
may also be part of an unusual admissions project. "I don't
want to get everyone sending us elaborate Indiana Jones
creations, though," she said.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
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Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race
started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It
was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making
fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
-<>
Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our
family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas
tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the
perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but
Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was
"just up ahead."
One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't
exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if
you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald
spots and is straight."
-<>-
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college
buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car.
He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my
driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replace-
ment parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare.
Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be
kidding." One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I
dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope.
Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat.
"Yes," he replied. "Oil."
-<>-
I recently saw a distraught young lady standing beside her
car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker," she explained, exasperated. "Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a con-
venience store a couple blocks down) would have a battery
to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and
the car keys to me to inspect. I took the key and manually
unlocked the door. "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."
-<>-
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been
questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives,
and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change
in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with
this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating
anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
-<>-
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A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled
upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies,
"For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last
half hour...I'll be ready in a minute!"
-<>-
In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone
directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically
said, "From the main road in the center of town go two
lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next
street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then
take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second
on the right, and the number is on the mailbox."
As I entered the information into the computer, I asked,
"What color is your house?"
The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."
-<>-
Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football,"
I plunked myself next to my new husband one Monday night to
chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being
shushed a few times, I gave him a "look."
Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry,
honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and
talk--I'll just turn up the volume."
=======================================================
>-->From The Mouth:
.-------.
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>David Letterman's Top Ten:
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating At Taco Bell
10. "Are my affairs in order?"
9. "Why is the counter kid wearing a hazmt suit?"
8. "Will the hot sauce kill the bacteria?"7. "Is this how
they poisoned that Russian spy?"
6. "Do I really want to succumb to a taco-related death?"
5. "Should I go somewhere safer for lunch like Fallujah?"
4. "Will this help me meet the recommended E.coli daily
requirement?"
3. (No number 3 -- writer ate a bad chalupa)
2. "What would Kristie Alleyy do?"
1. "Wait -- when was Taco Bell not tainted with E.coli?"
-<>-
>You May be From Boston If...
1. You drink tonic.
2. You know what a bubbler is.
3. Your family will disown you if you're a Yankees fan.
4. You think there's no life west of 495.
5. You know they're called rotaries, not roundabouts or
circles.
6. You're considered among the worst drivers in the country.
7. You think 1-way streets are common everywhere.
8. You know what a "buckner" is.
9. There's only 25 letters in the alphabet in your speech.
10. You know what the Big Dig is.
11. You knew Great Woods and the Garden.
12. The words "Southie" and "Eastie" have some meaning to you.
13. You know what the Beanpot is.
14. You know what nationality predominates in the North End
and Eastie.
15. You consider Worcester and Springfield "cow pastures."
16. You know what the Central Artery is.
17. You have to dial the area code just to call across the
street.
18. It doesn't surprise you to see someone talking on their
cell while drinking a coffee and driving with their knees.
19. You can't go more than a few blocks without hearing a horn
beeped.
20. It's tough to break 40 due to the city traffic but you do it
anyway.
-<>-
L E T I T
.--._ S
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>Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Have Learned From "Dancing With The Stars"
Presented by Jerry Springer:
10. Sometimes your best choreographer is Johnny Walker.
9. There are no disputes that can't be settled by dancing --
think about it North Korea.
8. The fitness training will come in handy on my show when
breaking up fights between hookers.
7. I'm allergic to sequins.
6. You do much better if you take the vitamins supplied by
Barry Bonds' trainer.
5. The definition of "star" has really loosened up.
4. This might be why the terrorists hate us.
3. I have a whole new respect for the exotic dancers on my
show.
2. If there's one thing more exciting than being on "Dancing
With The Stars," it's no longer being on "Dancing With The
Stars".
1. I need a new agent.
-<>-
_.---._
.' '.
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>You Might Be a Bad Driver If...
1. Your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on
asfault in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you.
2. You go to leave the frat party stone sober and your roomate
still insists on hiding your kes and calling a cab.
3. People ask you about "the accident", and you say, which one?
4. You've ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done
your makeup while on the freeway.
5. You slow down when coming to green lights... and speed up
on yellow.
6. You hit a tree and your brother tells you your getting
rusty cause you missed the center of the car by a fraction
of an inch.
7. You take your eyes off the road and both hands off the
steering whell to help your passenger put on their seat belt
while driving 65 MPH down the freeway.
8. You use your knees for steering more than your hands.
9. You think red lights & stop signs are a suggestion
10. The police carry separate tickets with your information
filled out already.
11. You get pulled over for drunk driving and you are stone
sober.
12. You think you have a flat when you hear thump, thump. It's
actually just you clipping the orange and white barrels.
13. Curb? What curb?
14. You are the only car in the parking lot and you STILL hit
a light pole.
15. You swerve to miss a tree... and it's your air freshener.
=====================================================
>-->From TheJokester:
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>Christmas Story for People Having a Bad Day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel thepressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven
knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't
it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
-<>-
_/\_
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jgs ()/ \()
>Christmas with Louise...
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must
be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell
those things at Walmart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do?" or "You're kidding me!"
or "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a
"doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said,
trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why
would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him that she
was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
that this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed
cranberry sauce through my nose and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw
down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car. It was
indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I
think gramps still calls on her whenever he can get out of the house.
-<>-
.\/. *
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>The Tree Selection
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas
tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping
down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
-<>-
>Automobile Mechanics
Two blondes were discussing their automobile mechanics.
Said one blonde, "I was so worried that the garage mechanic might try
to rip me off.
But then I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn
signal fluid."
-<>-
__...-------...__
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```--------```
>The Young Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a
bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large,
blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard
just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical
attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The
ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential
as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in
the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects,
"You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bum on your
knee!"
==============================================================
>-->Christmas FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Angel, Church, Cross, Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs.html
Jesus, God Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_f-j.html
Nativity, New Years Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_k-o.html
Peace, Pray, Santa, Snow, Snowman, Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html
Merry Christmas Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_w2.html
Christmas Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_x.html
The Christmas Story
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/christmasstory.html
Christ's Bell!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bell.html
Come Adore Him!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/comeadorehim.html
Christmas Around The World
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmasworld.html
Akiane Child Prodigy
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/prodigy.html
When Was Jesus Christ Born?
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/whenjesusborn.html
Winter Wonderland And Life Lessons
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lessons.html
Maxine On Christmas
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxinechristmas.html
Puppy Days Of Christmas
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/puppychristmas.html
Ward's 1934 Wish Book!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wishbook.html
Bible Study Menu:
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/BibleStudy.html
Babes in Christ
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/babesinchrist.html
Amazing Grace
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/amazinggrace.html
Angels Are Watching
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angelswatching.html
Come Adore Him
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bailey.html
Bailey's Jesus
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bailey.html
Christ's Life
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jesuslife.html
Who Is This Jesus
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jesus.html
Disney Christmas
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/disneychristmas.html
Redneck Christmas Tree
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/redneck.html
Christmas With Pets
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmaspets.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend KarenF :)
Santa Are You Real
http://www.mamarocks.com/santa_are_you_real.htm
Christmas Without You
http://www.mamarocks.com/christmas_without_you.htm
Christmas Prayer
http://www.mamarocks.com/christmas_prayer.htm
A Time To Rejoice
http://www.mamarocks.com/a_time_to_rejoice.htm
Oh Christmas Tree
http://www.mamarocks.com/oh_christmas_tree.htm
The Legend Of The Holly
http://www.mamarocks.com/legend_of_the_holly.htm
---
...Thanks KarenF!
==============================================================
>-->Quotes
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah'
and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy
Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'" --Dave Barry,
"Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
"I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend
in Christmas cards this year are "DVD cards” – instead of a
letter about your family and what you did this year, you put
your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting.
You know why? They make great coasters."
--Jay Leno
"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a
year."
--Victor Borge
"Happy birthday to senator John Kerry. This is his 63rd birth-
day. They threw him a surprise party for. Well, they think
he was surprised...with his personality it’s hard to tell.
Instead of blowing out the candles he just talked to them
until all the life just flickered out.
--Jay Leno [12/13/06]
"I'm going to tell you some jokes now, and I'll be honest with you, a
lot of these jokes have been re-gifted." -David Letterman
"Last week a group of chefs baked the world's largest pizza, which is
gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put
it, 'You had me at 'world's largest pizza' - you LOST me at
'gluten-free' - then you won me back with '9,000 pounds of cheese.'"
-Jimmy Fallon
Too many people are Christian streakers ... all they have on is the
helmet of salvation.
When you see someone sitting alone on a bench, make it a point to
speak to her/him.
"Earn all you can, save all you can, give all you can."
- John Wesley
God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that
never slips and acts with a hand that never fails.
It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our
preaching. --Francis of Assisi
A baby asleep in a manger, yet He is the Savior of the world. A
man who drove merchandisers from the temple, yet He willingly
laid down His life for the same. The King of all kings Who came
to die as a lamb. The One who owned it all yet laid it all aside.
How can we explain such a man? We can’t. We must stand in awe
and worship Him. --Marie Norton
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
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FUN URLS
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-->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN
HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Chriistian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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