Merry Christmas SMILES ,,, :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* Please Consider Giving To ShangralaFamilyFun.com The cost of the website has gone up dramatically due to the ever increasingly wonderful pages and photos being added each week to entertain you and our fellow Christian families. If every one would chip in $25 or more, we'd be good for the whole year! So Please - I need your help today! "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ | '.|.' -= + =- ___ .'|'. ___ ******* | ******* /-====) | (_.- )) | / '( )' ) )) / / _/ \_( (( | |-( _ _ )) ) ) / | \ //| |\\ /'-( ( / \ \/\/ *** \/\/ / ) ) | |\ / .=. \ / ( ( `-;./ ;-' _\/(")\/_ '-; ) ) | \ |'---'| / ( ( | \ _| |_ / ) ) _/ | /\ /\ | ( ( jgs .-/ / '=' \ ( )-. `""---`-----` `----`----`""` *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, the easiest way to do that is through online giving. It is easy to use, and most of all, it is secure. Please visit the site, scroll down and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL form page comes up. NOTE: Paypal will generate a 'Quantity 1' and 'Price per item' form. Just ignore the price per item and put whatever it is you desire to give in there. With Paypal, you will have your normal receipt for your 'payment' donation in USD (United States Dollars). You can put a memo in there if you'd like. EVERY LITTLE BIT WILL HELP! Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR GIFT! ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ __,_,_,__) __,__ ,__) ,__) (--| | | _ ,_,_ (--/ `|_ ,_' ,-|-,_,_, _, , _| | |(/_| | (_| _\__)| || |/_)| | | |(_|/_) ( ,_| ( |_, |_, >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press This red hot flaming new page is from our friend Linda. It's one to tickle your funny bone for the holidays. Self proclaimed "World's Best Dad" photographer made this hilarious series of himself with his cute little daughter. Be sure to check this one out here... __ [_ | _____||_____ .'` _ || .'`\ ,;;, / _[_]_ || / | _(\()/)___ | (") \/ | | /__(/\)___/| | >/ . \< | || || || | \_:_/ | _.'| || || '-----...----`\ |____||____|/ | | \ | | | '.__/ jgs | | Diary Of a Dad! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/daddiary.html --- ...Teehee! Oh so cute! Thank You Linda! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: _ J I N G L E \ (__ M Y '.__`'-. B E L L S `'. \ __ .--._) | __..--''__``--../ \_/\.' .'`__..--`` ``--..\ \ / | ( '--' \ ;--. /\_/ \__ .--. \ \ /__`'--/\_/ \ '--' `'--\ / /----. '--`-----.`\ __) | .'__.' jgs /_( The bar association in a Texas county was having its annual meeting in the county courthouse when a mad man entered the room, pulled out a gun and took over the meeting. He then released one lawyer with a note declaring that if his demands were not met, he was going to release one lawyer every hour. -<>- >New Breeds of Dogs The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ December 23 is Festivus and Roots Day December 24 is National Chocolate Day and National Egg Nog Day December 25 is Christmas Day and National Pumpkin Pie Day December 26 is Boxing Day December 27 is Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day and National Fruitcake Day December 28 is Card Playing Day December 29 is Pepper Pot Day ======================================================= >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: . . | . \ : / -= <*****> =- //"""\\ . (( '_' )) \ ))-_-(( -= <*^*^*>`\)) /( " ) , \ \)`"`() / / (___)==(\/ | | | | | | | | | | jgs | | """"""" >NO ROOM IN THE INN, except... Wally was nine years old and in the second grade, though he should have been in the fourth. He was big and clumsy, slow in movement and mind, but well liked by the other children in class, all of whom were smaller than he. At time the boys did have trouble hiding their irritation when the uncoordinated Wally would ask to play ball with them. He would stand by - not sulking, but hoping - always a helpful boy, willing and smiling, the natural protector of any child he felt was being mistreated. As Christmas time approached, plans were made for the annual school pageant. Children were being assigned their parts - angels, shepherds, wise men, Mary, Joseph. Wally stood by expectantly - then suddenly his joy knew no bounds, for he heard the teacher say, "Wally, I want you to be the Innkeeper." (Not many lines to learn, she reasoned - and his size would make his refusal of lodging to Joseph even more forceful.) Little did that teacher dream the lesson that such a tenderhearted boy would teach to all who would attend that program! Then came rehearsals - the shepherd staffs and manger, beards, crowns, halos, and a stageful of squeaky voices. Most caught up in the magic of the night was Wally. He would stand in the wings, watch the performance with fascination; his teacher had to make sure he did not wander on stage before his cue. Came the long awaited night and Wally stood, holding a lantern, by the door of the Inn, watching as the children who portrayed Mary and Joseph came near him. "What do you want?" Wally asked with a brusque gesture. "We seek lodging." "Seek it elsewhere - the inn is filled." "Sir, we have asked everywhere in vain. We have traveled far and are very weary." "There is no room in this inn for you." Wally looked properly stern. "Please, good Innkeeper, this is my wife. She is heavy with child and needs a place to rest. Surely you must have some small corner for her. She is so tired." Now, for the first time, the Innkeeper relaxed his stiff stance and looked down at Mary. With that there was a long pause - the audience became a bit tense. "No! Begone!" the prompter whispered from the wings. "No! Begone!" Wally repeated automatically. Joseph sadly placed his arms around Mary, and Mary laid her head upon her husband's shoulder, and the two of them started to move away. The Innkeeper did not return inside his Inn, however. Wally stood there in the doorway, watching the forlorn couple. His mouth was open, his brow creased with concern, his eyes filling unmistakably with tears. And suddenly - this Christmas pageant became different from all others. "Don't go, Joseph", Wally called out. "Bring Mary back." And Wally's face grew into a bright smile. "You can have my room!" A burst of laughter - then silence - then tears flowed freely as the message came through to the listeners. Wally, the boy considered "slow", had made room for Jesus. He could not turn Mary and Joseph away - God's only begotten Son would be welcomed by him! His tender heart had made room for the Savior. -<>- >TOP TEN EXCUSES THE INNKEEPER HAD By Dave Tippett 10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful 9. Wife said he couldn't accept wood carvings as payment anymore 8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going 7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels 6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention 5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card 4. Last room left was by the ice machine 3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before 1. No last names, no service Copyright 1997 Dave Tippett. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. -<>- .=======. \`=====`/ |_______| __/_________\__ S N O W M A N `"";' ';""` / 0 _ 0 \ I made myself a snowman \ /_ | (_) | _\ / As perfect as could be. \\/ /`| |`\ \// '-.\\ \/ | \ \ / / | \/ //.-' __\\| \ '. '._.' .' / |//__I thought I'd keep it as a pet \\ .-'. `'-----'` .'-. // And let it sleep with me. \\.' '-._ .-'\ '.// /` `'''''') ) `\ / ( ( ,\ I made it some pajamas ; O /\ '-..-'/ ; And a pillow for its head. | ( '. / | | O ) `;---'` | ; /__.-' ;_ Then, last night it ran away. .-''-\ O ` / '- But first-- it wet the bed! `. .' jgs '-._ _.-' `" ' - - - ' "`` A snowman asked his friend what she thought of carrot cake. The friend replied, “It tastes like boogers.” -<>- /`\ | ( | | | | | | .--'--. | | _.--""`````""--._ .'\/ \/ '. .' -|` `|- '. / ,_\| |/_, \ / # \ / \ ; # .-.._)---(_.--. ; | \_.-/ \-._/ | | | a a | | | \ /`\ | ; | | '. ; \ \0/\ '/`\ / \ |__.' / / '. / _.' .' '._ '---' _.' jgs '--.._____..--' >THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily Dec 26 Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily Dec 27 My darling Edward, You do think of the most original presents! Whoever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely. Your devoted Emily Dec 28 Dearest Edward, What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly--they make telephoning almost impossible--but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course, I am. Love from Emily Dec 29 Dearest Edward, The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily Dec 30 Dear Edward, Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily Dec 31 Edward, I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily Jan 1 Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily Jan 2 Look here, Edward, This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! Emily Jan 3 As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile, the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily Jan 4 This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied. Jan 5 Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much-assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law -<>- Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats." ========================================================= _.--"""--, .' `\ .-""""""-. .' | / '. / .-._/ | `. | | \ \ .-._ | _ \ `""'-. \_.-. \ ` ( \__/ | ) '=. ., \ / ( \ / \ / /` `\ | / `' '..-`\ _.-. `\ _.__/ .=. | _ / \ '.-` `-.' / \_/ | | './ _ _ \.' '-' | / \ | | .-. .-. | M E R R Y \ / o| |o \ / | / \ | C H R I S T M O O S E ! / `"` `"` \ / \ | '._.' \ | / | \ | | || _ _ / /|\ (_\ /_) / jgs \ \'._ ` '_.' `""` `"""` >-->Christmas SMILES :) Q: What kind of bird can write? A; A pen-guin Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? A: Santa Clues! Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had the drum sticks. Q: What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A: A pineapple. Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas? A. Because he kissed Krabby Patty. .------. ( #-....'`\ \ # | _ )"====="| _ (_`"======="`_) /`"""""""""`\ | o _o\ | (_>| \ '.___/--# '. ;-._:'\ )`===| <)_/ __ .---""`====`--'\__.' `| / ()\ / \___..--' \_.-' | () | ; ; \ ()/ \ '. / _.'`\ `; ( `\ \_ \ .-`\ `\ jgs \___) `.______.' Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer? A. A puddle! Q. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? A. Rude-olph! Q. Why did the elf go to school? A. To learn his ELFabet. Q. Why do Rappers like Christmas so much? A. Because of all the wrapping! Q. What did the cow get for Christmas? A. A COWculator. , , /\\ / \ | )|-""-, , \ /' \ ,_ , .'<_ / |"""-, _> `'-,'(_.-' _< , | ' '/::. `\ >_.--(.. ) .=;` / \_...._ .' _ ._o)`'` / V-'`\/`` { .' `'-....-' ; `"--'.--.=; * * * `/ / ::' / C ..\ * * | {;;}| :: | \ _.) * .:::.__* | , {;;;} \ ':| / \ * /'::::\ *\_ \ \ {;;} '-, \./ \)\) (` '::|* / \ .-' _.'.,____, _/`| `-| );/ _.,--`-.`_;/.-/ ; \ \` \ ( ( /` ,\|_ '--'_:-' `. `'._.' /| \ \ \ \ | ).-' .-'/. ` '._.-._.' / | jgs \ \ \ \ / .--'\ \ .-'` | `. .-' .' | \ \ \ \ / / \,\ \ \ \`. `-.__..--' _.-' .' , `#;==''` \ |\ /|# \ '-._ _.-' _.' .'( _.=' | \/ /._, \_ '--._.-'` _.' { `` _.=' | / ' ;--._, '._ \ _.-' { \` ; / \ / ' ) '-._\_.-'` _,_ `. `'=..' .=' ) /\ /, / _, /' '\ ,_ `=._ .=' / |/)|/(_ ((') \u u .-""._) \ '-`\\`__ | / -._\ /'--) | ':`----./.-. | `-._} {_} |_ \ | _.' _/, ``'""-`\ `.__.' `""{_} /_ / |`= `" `-.( ,__/. `""""`"` '^' ="`-` `"` Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck? A. A Christmas Quacker! Q. What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A. The Christmas alphabet has NOEL! Santa Claus: What's that terrible racket outside? Mrs. Claus: It's rain deer. Husband: Why don't you buy Christmas seals? Wife: I really don't know how I'd feed them! Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"? A. Santa walking backwards! |\ . . /| ._\\/ \//_. ',\_, ,_/,' \.' './ _\\/ \//_ '-.\, ,/.-' \\ // _.-`"""`-._ ,-'-' _ _ '-'-, '--\ o o /'-' | | | | / \ | \_/ | jgs \ _|_ / '---' Q. What is a reindeer's favorite instrument? A. Horns! Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? A. Because of all the wrapping! Q. What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? A. Tinsilitis! Q. What's a good holiday tip? A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. Q. What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead? A. Snow. HO .----. HO .' ,_ \ _ HO /__ ( \| / ( . {___`'-.\{_} | `|_ /6)6`'-._} \_.'_} |/_ _7 | {_.'| |5-.' /( | \{\ /:'`} \ /.\__/ _.'`\ \ ; o ``` \ ; o \ \_ | o \.'` } ; o_ {__.'\ \==[_]=======|/) | `; .' /_/ / `- / / / /\ \ {`-._/ \ _.'`} ;-.__} {__.'\ __/ / \_ \ ( ` / / / jgs '.__/ (__.' Q. What does Santa say in a race? A. "Ready, set, HO!" Q. What did the reindeer say when he saw an elf? A. Nothing, reindeer can't talk. Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus? A. "I'll have a boo Christmas without you." Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter? A. Christmas Corals! Q. Which elf was the best singer? A. ELFis Presley. _.._ / a\__, \ -.___/ \ \ (\____) \ |\_( )) _____| (_ /________ _\____(______/__ gnv ______ Q. What do you call a Christmas duck? A. A Christmas quacker! Q. How do you know when Santa's in the room? A. You can sense his presents. Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed? A. He had low ELF-esteem. Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down? A. Santa Claus in an elevator! .-. ## ) * _.-+*'`*+-._ ,## _ _ #. ;### ((.;;.)) ##: .=._.; ,-*:;;:*-. *##:._.=, >##; *-')_@@_(`-* ;###< ---------------`****------(o `` o)-----*****'-------------e:l `-""-' Q. What do cows say at Christmas? A. MOOey Christmas! nock, knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are here again! Knock, knock. Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow use. I can't remember my name! Knock, knock. Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a Merry Christmas! Knock, knock Who's there? Gladis Gladis who? Gladis not me who got coal this Christmas! _________________________________ |.==============. .==============.| j| | | || g| | | || s| __ | | M E R R Y || || .' '. | | || || / \ | | CHRISTMAS! || || .-;.- \| | || ||_(___)________| |______________|| | ______________ ______________ | ||/ .-'````"-. | | || ||-` _..---. `-| | .-. || ||.-" o `'._| | /\/ \ || || \,_ .-. o | | _ / | || || '._\_/._, | | / `\ / || || ()\__.'-'| |`\ \.--' || || | | ',_/ || ||_____________/| |__/___________|| '=================================' Knock, knock Who's there? Mary and Abbey Mary and Abbey who? Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) _____________,--, | | | | | | |/ .-.\ HANG IN THERE |_|_|_|_|_|_/ / `. SANTA |_|__|__|_; | \ |___|__|_/| | .'`} |_|__|__/ | | .'.'`\ |__|__|/ ; ; / / \.-"-. ||__|_; \ \ || /`___. \ |_|___/\ /;.`,\\ {_'___.;{} |__|_/ `;`__|`-.;| |C` e e`\ |___`L \__|__|__| | `'-o-' } ||___|\__)___|__||__|\ ^ /`\ |__|__|__|__|__|_{___}'.__.`\_.'} ||___|__|__|__|__;\_)-'`\ {_.-; |__|__|__|__|__|/` (`\__/ '-' |_|___|__|__/` | -jgs---|__|___|__/` \------------------- -.__.-.|___|___;` |.__.-.__.-.__.-.__ | | || | | | | -' '---' '---' \ /-' '---' '---' '-- | | '. .' | | | | '---' '---' '---' `-===-'`--' '---' '---' '---' | | | | | | | | -' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '-- | | | | | | | | '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' >SMILES After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you." Husband: "What's up?" Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid." Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there." ---------- Monday at work, Maury was asking Pauly about Pauly's date with Sandy the previous Friday night. "so, how did things go?" "It started out really well. We went to a fancy restaurant and had a great meal. Lots of good conversation, the music was nice and a perfect start to the evening." "So how was Sandy?" asked Maury, winking slyly. "Stunning!" replied Pauly. "I knew that She is a really good looking woman, but Stunning? "Absolutely!" answered Pauly. "Right after I suggested we spend the night together, she hit me with the taser." --------- Everything is Wonderful My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty, The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn. I think I might never Put my glasses back on. ---------- A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. "Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" the boy finished. ---------- A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412 The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618. "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Darned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..." ---------- Two guys strike up a conversation at the local tavern... One guy says to the other, "Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced." "Did you see a lawyer yet?" asks the second guy. "No," replies the first, "I got married." ---------- A man who had been working for the circus for many years as 'Mr Tiny, the shortest man alive', agreed to meet with a local newspaper reporter on his day off to be interviewed. The reporter arrives on time, but was surprised to be greeted by a man who was nearly six feet tall. The reporter thought he must be in the wrong place and asked the tall man if he knew anything about a Mr Tiny. "That's me!" says the tall man. "B-b-but you're suppose to be short!" says the reporter. Mr Tiny replies..."I told you----this is my day off." ------- I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually- impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it very difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself. Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford." Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!" ---------- While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? "As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.. She said, "Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "I'd guess: still in the ditch with the Harley." ---------- The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding... She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber. ---------- One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner." ---------- On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume. Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind." --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From HandyHints: ___ /` `'. / _..---; | /__..._/ .--.-. |.' e e | ___\_|/____ (_)'--.o.--| | | | .-( `-' = `-|____| |____| / ( |____ ____| | ( |_ | | __| | '-.--';/'/__ | | ( `| | '. \ )"";--`\ / \ ; |--' `;.-' jgs |`-.__ ..-'--'`;..--'` Christmas is almost here. That means it is time to empty the bank account and break out the credit card because if you're not willing to go into debt, what is the point of Christmas? But you know, it is possible to celebrate the holiday and have fun without going broke for months trying to pay off all your bills. Artificial trees and wreaths. It may not be exactly traditional, but for less than $100 you can buy an artificial tree that looks so realistic you have to touch it in order to tell the difference. The same for wreaths. Compare that to spending 60, 80 or 100 dollars every year for live decorations and it will have paid for itself in one year. Spend time together making decorations. Experts and gurus will tell you that experiences and memories are a better value generic gifts that will probably soon be forgotten. Create some memories by making decorations with the family. With some simple craft supplies, you can combine the holiday decorating with quality time. Paint ornaments, string popcorn, or a any of a hundred different holiday arts and crafts you can find on the Internet. Figure out what you can really afford. Many of us don't have the means for a financial free-for-all with the justification that Christmas only comes once a year! Christmas might just come once but those credit card bills will keep on coming. Make sure you pay your bills first, put aside a little money for an unexpected emergency, and have a stocked pantry of food before you go and spend hundreds or thousands on presents. Let the kids know what to expect. I have seen kids literally sit in the middle of a pile of hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas presents and act disappointed. They should have known in advance that they will only get 2 or maybe 3 presents on their gift list. If they know what to expect, they will never been disappointed on Christmas morning, and YOU will reduce some of your stress over providing a merry Christmas. -<>- ____ .'` `\ ;---.._ \ ,=,==, \_...__\ | __\|_/__ | a a '.| | || |--.o.--'(_) | || |-' = '-` )-. |___||___| ) \ |"""||"""| ) | |__ || _| ) | /` )||__\'\;'--.-' | \ /`-;( / .' / '-.; '--| ; .-'| jgs `'--.;--'...-' No need to buy pricey chemical-laden cleaning solutions. You can make natural-cleaning wizards using inexpensive everyday items that you can whip up in seconds and use to tackle most cleaning jobs around your home. Preserve wood furniture with an olive oil polish Turns out your wood furniture is a lot like your skin: it benefits from a good moisturizer. Thankfully it's easy to make a cleaner and conditioner in one. Just mix 1 part olive oil, 1 part vinegar and 1/2 tbs. of lemon juice. The olive oil polishes while the vinegar disinfects and the citric acid in the lemon lifts stains. Clean kitchen counters with a gentle spray For an effective cleaner gentle enough to use on granite; fill a 32-oz spray bottle half way with water, then add a squirt of dish soap and 2 tbs. of rubbing alcohol. The alcohol disinfects but won't scratch counters. Just spritz and wipe. Erase carpet stains with a 'clockwise' cream If food or dirt has left its mark on your rugs, just grab some shaving cream. It contains soap and alcohol which clean and disinfect. Let it sit on the spot for five minutes, then wipe with a dry cloth. Next, with a damp cloth press your knuckles into the stain, turning clockwise. This lifts the stain from between with fibers without leaving a rough spot. Get windows sparkling with a streak-free swipe To whip up your own window cleaner for a fraction of the cost of a store-bought solution, mix 3 cups of water with 1/3 cup of rubbing alcohol, which disinfects surfaces and evaporates quickly so it doesn't leave streaks. You can also use this solution to make stainless steel appliances sparkle. -<>- _ ,={ }.._, _.-"` { } a j-,_ {}'----.{_}``};_ __/ `/( `'--.._,_ /\ `'---;--'-;` / /'. _,\ | | )-'` _} |-\ {_,.-'` \ `" \_\_, \ /__/\.-'`} {___}',-"`\ .-"\ / | `-. \.__.-" / - . | / _..-`""` _,`~ ~- `~, -~ ^`- ~^ jgs `~ _/;-"" , = -~ ~- ^ ` ` ~^ ` ~-"` =~ =~ =~^ ~^ - ~ ~^- ~ `^ - ` -. ` ^ - ^- `~,_ ,`==,_ _,~``'` ~, ,=. ^ ~^ - ~ - ~- ` ~ "~ ~ =~^ `~ ` `,_ , ` ~-^ ` ~^ ~^ -~^ ^~ -~^ -~ `^ ~~ -~ >'Go Green' Hints: Clean your house before the holidays. Why buy new when you can re-use? You might find a treasure trove of holiday paraphernalia just by cleaning the house! If you are anything like me you save gift bags, boxes, tissue paper, ribbons, bows, decorations and even wrapping paper (yes, I have been known to carefully remove particularly nice wrapping paper, especially from large presents, and reuse it on smaller ones). Now is the time to take an inventory of all that holiday paraphernalia BEFORE you start buying new stuff at the stores. You'll be amazed at what you have left over (and stuffed in a closet) from last year. -<>- Forget harsh bathroom cleaners. Lift soap scum with a hot spritz. In a spray bottle mix 1 cup of baking soda (it scrubs), 1/2 cup of dish soap (it removes dirt), 1/3 cup of borax (it whitens grout), 2 tbs. of white vinegar (it kills germs) and 1 cup of warm water. For tough scum skip the water and up the vinegar to 1/4 cup and heat it before adding. Let the solution sit on shower walls for 15 minutes then wipe. ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: Obama’s FBI and the Press -The Wall Street Journal “Thanks to a report from the Obama-appointed inspector general of the Justice Department, now everyone knows the truth about 2016. The Obama administration misled the U.S. Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court and wiretapped an American who supported the presidential campaign of the party out of power,” James Freeman writes. https://tinyurl.com/t64snm6 House Clears U.S.-Mexico-Canada Trade Deal in Win for Trump -CBS News https://tinyurl.com/r8e9xo4 Pelosi’s Latest Stunt is Fresh Proof How Cynical Impeachment Drive Has Been -New York Post https://tinyurl.com/tutdp2m FISA Judge Orders FBI To Identify All Cases Involving Lawyer Who Allegedly Altered Carter Page Email https://tinyurl.com/w63rjjc Report: Former Director Of National Security Agency Is Cooperating With Durham Probe https://tinyurl.com/t2uwkra Jim Jordan to House Democrats: Why Are You Withholding Articles of Impeachment After Rushing to Impeach? https://tinyurl.com/vzzt7zt Westwing News: https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/ WhiteHouseNews: https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Students For Life https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6 Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2 -<>- >From BizarreNews: Well, that's one way to get somebody's goat. A pair of what appeared to be skinned goat heads were found dangling from a street light at a busy Park Slope intersection in New York, police said. At least one witness called 911 after spotting the bloody animal heads attached to a piece of twine hanging above Ninth Street and Fifth Avenue - sparking a police investigation. The skulls dangled in the wind until shortly before noon, when a staffer from a nearby car service company carried a ladder to the pole and knocked them down with a stick. That's what they call a New York Pinata. Some wondered whether it was Santeria, a Halloween prank or voodoo. "Maybe it's some of those wackos who go for Santeria or voodoo," said local resident Louis Katenzakes. "It's the occult. They do rituals. They kill animals." The sighting wasn't the first example of animal body parts discovered in the area. In March, severed goat heads and rooster heads were found in Prospect Park. Other locals said they were unmoved. "It's New York. I've seen the towers come down, so beyond that, nothing really stings that bad," said J. Sapp, who works in the area. -<>- Santa's reindeer better stay the heck out of Alaska: High school in Alaska is a little different from the rest of the country. While students in other high school classrooms are powering light bulbs with potatoes and dissecting frogs, the teenagers in Brian Mason's class at Chugiak High School butchered a moose carcass. Mason brought a cow moose carcass to class in the back of his pickup truck that morning, and for the rest of the day his students went to work de-boning, separating, grinding and packaging the animal. The bloody business served as a way to immerse the students in Alaska cultural traditions, and give them a basic understanding of anatomy and teach them practical life skills. The studends are part of the World Discovery Seminar program which is sort of a "school within a school" at Chugiak. "What I try to emphasize - and the World Discovery Seminar program as a whole - is to emphasize experiential learning," Mason said as nearly 30 of his students used thin knives to slice up the carcass. "You can learn certainly about anatomy from diagrams and textbooks and videos but getting your hands on an animal is a big part of the science aspect of it." Although it's common for students to participate in unique projects, the moose butchering class was unusual even for the WDS program. Mason said he obtained a special permit from the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, which allows for the harvest of game animals for educational reasons. The students were able to learn how to debone, trim and process the meat in a clean and safe way. That meant giving them a brief lesson on moose anatomy before handing out gloves and 4-inch deboning knives to start cutting under the supervision of Mason and a couple parent volunteers. *-- Man blows up his own car with a cigarette --* A British motorist was lucky to escape with minor injuries when his car exploded as he lit a cigarette. Police said the explosion happened when the driver used an aerosol can air freshener moments before lighting the cigarette. A police statement on Facebook said that the car was stationary in traffic when the owner used an air freshener can but did not ventilate his car before lighting his cigarette. The fumes exploded and blew out his windscreen, along with some windows at nearby business. The police reminded drivers, 'Please can members of the public be careful and follow guidelines when using air freshener cans.' *-- Brain surgery stops seizures, fear of spiders --* BRIGHTON, England (UPI) - British doctors said a man who underwent brain surgery to get rid of seizures awoke to find he had also lost his crippling fear of spiders. Dr. Nick Medford, the man's observing physician at Brighton and Sussex Medical School and co-author of the study published in the Neurocase journal, said the 44-year-old man suffered from severe arachnophobia before undergoing surgery on his amygdala -- a portion of the brain partially responsible for handling fear -- to stop his recurring seizures. The study, titled Abolition of lifelong specific phobia: a novel therapeutic consequence of left mesial temporal lobectomy, said the man reported he was no longer afraid of spiders after the surgery. Medford said the man instead found spiders fascinating and could hold a living arachnid without fear. The researchers said the man's fear may have been stored in neural pathways in the part of the amygdala that was removed to halt the man's seizures. Medford said further research on the subject could be conducted without unnecessary invasive procedures. "It's not uncommon for people to have temporal lobe surgery for severe epilepsy," he said. "And arachnophobia is supposed to be reasonably common. So we might be able to test people for that phobia, or any other kind, before and after surgery." *-- Bear falls through skylight and eats cupcakes --* A 180-pound bear crashed through an Alaska couple's skylight and ate the cupcakes they had out for their child's birthday party. The homeowners quickly vacated the room and allowed the bear to devour the treats. "I was literally in the room, and I heard this cracking," homeowner Glenn Merrill told local news. "And the next thing you know, there's this bear that, I mean, literally, fell right from (the skylight)." Merrill's house is on a mountainside that overlooks downtown Juneau. "There probably isn't a neighborhood or place where we have homes where the potential isn't there for you to run into a bear or observe a bear," Ryan Scott of the Alaska Department of Fish and Game told the CBC. The bear eventually left the residence after being yelled at, but it lingered in the backyard and continued to look in the window. The same bear allegedly entered another home in the area, so authorities thought it was best to have the animal destroyed. "We don't take killing or destroying bears lightly," Scott said. "People were inside that building. I think it was appropriate for that given the situation." *-- Man robs 4 Subways in 4 days because 'Jared Diet' didn't work --* HUEYTOWN, Ala. (UPI) - A man who robbed four Subway restaurants in four days with a gun claims he did it because he was mad the "Jared Diet" didn't work for him. Zachary Torrance, 18, was arrested Friday by Hueytown police after someone saw surveillance videos on the Hueytown Police Department's Facebook page and recognized Torrance from having witnessed him purchase a gun holster at a Walmart. Police say he was even wearing the same clothing and shoes as the suspect was the day of the robbery. "He stated in the course of his interview he had tried the 'Jared Diet' and it hadn't worked for him like he thought it should have," Police Chief Chuck Hagler told WJBF. "He was trying to get his money back." He has confessed to the crime and will face sentencing. He is currently being held with a $250,000 bail. *-- Man from 'Planet Zoltron' attacks police cruiser --* A Michigan man who was claiming to be a resident of "Planet Zoltron" is facing a number of charges after he allegedly attacked a Muskegon County Sheriff deputy's cruiser with a four-foot metal pipe. Officers were investigating reports about a man breaking into homes when they came across Calquan Dion Burr. On the dash camera video, Burr can be seen charging the cruiser, jumping on the hood of the car and attacking the windshield. "The officers round the corner and it is dark out - he had no time to react. The guy is already running at the car," Lt. Shane Brown told local news. While the 20-year-old was being arrested, he told police that he could have "tackled that car and could have crushed it if he wanted to," according to the Muskegon Chronicle. "He also claimed he was from the Planet Zoltron and that his father sent him." Burr appeared to be on "mind- altering drugs" and a witness said that he seemed "drunk or high and was talking about seeing blue orbits." The suspect was charged with malicious destruction of property, damaging police property, assault and other charges. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Cloie :) - TEACH THE CHILDREN - Author Unknown ASCII art by joan stark _ (__/_) .-'''''-. _ | |'-----'| / \|ate one Christmas Eve, I sank back, |-.....-| \__|\_ tired but content, into my | | easy chair. The kids were in bed, the gifts | | were wrapped, the milk and _,._ | | cookies waited by the __.o` o`"-. | | fireplace for Santa. .-O o `"-.o O )_,._ | | ( o O o )--.-"`O o"-.`'-----'` '--------' ( o O o) `----------` As I sat back admiring the tree with its decorations, I couldn't help feeling that something | important was missing. It wasn't \ ' / long before the tiny, twinkling -- (*) -- tree lights lulled me to sleep. >*< I don't know how long I slept, >0<@< but all of a sudden I knew that >>>@<<* I wasn't alone. >@>*<0<<< >*>>@<<<@<< I opened my eyes, and you can >@>>0<<<*<<@< imagine my surprise when I saw >*>>0<<@<<<@<<< Santa Claus himself standing >@>>*<<@<>*<<0<*< next to my Christ- \*/ >0>>*<<@<>0><<*<@<< mas tree. __\\U//__ >*>>@><0<<*>>@><*<0<< |\\ | | \\| >@>>0<*<0>>@<<0<<<*<@<< He was dressed | \\| | _(UU)_ >((*))_>0><*<0><@<<<0<*< all in fur from |\ \| || / //||.*.*.*.|>>@<<*<<@>><0<<< his head to his |\\_|_|&&_// ||*.*.*.*|_\\db//__ foot just as """"|'.'.'.|~~|.*.*.*| _____|_ poem described him, |'.'.'.| ^^^^^^|____|>>jgs>>| but he was not the ~~~~~~~~ '""""`-------' "jolly old elf" of Christmas legend. The man who stood before me looked sad and disappointed. And there were tears in his eyes. ____ "Santa, what's wrong?" I asked. ;` `'-._ "Why are you crying?" / \ /\ /` \ | ; "It's the children." Santa / \ | | replied sadly. / `\ | | / \_ / | "But Santa, the children love ; / `\ | you." I said. ,|_ __ \__/ | _\_o/_( |_ "Oh, I know they love me, and /`"=/\==""=="=="=="=="`\ they love the gifts I bring | )/ | them," Santa said, "but the \ / children of today seem to /';=""==""==""==""==";`\ have somehow missed out on | /` /~\ /~\ `\ | the true spirit of Christmas. | \ _ \o/ \o/ _ / | It's not their fault. It's \ ; (_) ` o (_) ; / just that the adults, / |\_.-""(__)""-._/| \ many of them not having | \ /\ / | been taught themselves, / '.___.' '.___.' \ have forgotten to teach | ,==, | the children." | ' ' | \ / "Teach them what?" I asked. | | \ / Santa's kind old face became '. .' soft, more gentle. His eyes jgs '-.__ __.-' began to shine with something '---'--'---' more than tears. He spoke softly. "Teach the children the true meaning of Christmas. Teach them that the part of Christmas we can see, hear, and touch is much more than meets the eye. Teach them the symbolism behind the customs and traditions of Christmas which we now observe. Teach them what it is they truly represent." | Santa reached into his bag and pulled out a \|/ tiny Christmas tree and set it on my mantle. \\|// "Teach them about the Christmas tree. \\\Y/// Green is the second color of Christmas. \\\|/// The stately evergreen, \\\\Y//// with it's unchanging color, \\\\|//// represents the hope of eternal life in Jesus. `\\Y//` It's needles point heavenward as a reminder `#` that man's thoughts should turn __#__ heavenward as well." [_ _] \___/ Santa reached into his bag again and pulled out a shiny star and placed it at the top of the small tree. * ' . . "The star was the heavenly sign . | . of promise. God promised a Savior \ | / + for the world and the star was * \|/ the sign of the fulfillment of --==> * <==-- ' that promise on the night that + /|\ . Jesus Christ was born. . / | \ Teach the children that God . ' | ' * always fulfills his promises, | and that wise men still seek Him." . ' . "Red," said Santa, "is the first color of Christmas." He pulled forth a red ornament for the tiny tree. ____ "Red is deep, intense, vivid. It is the .' '. color of the life-giving blood that flows / # \_ through our veins. It is the symbol of | {_{c} God's greatest gift. Teach the children \ / `\ that Christ gave his life and shed his '.____.' (__) blood for them that they might have eternal life. When they see the color red it should remind them of that most wonderful gift." Santa found a silver bell in his pack and placed it on the tree. "Just as lost sheep are guided , to safety by the sound of the bell, it /\`--. continues to ring today for all to be |o-| )D guided to the fold. Teach the children \/.--' to follow the true Shepherd, who gave His life for the sheep." Santa placed a candle on the mantle and lit it. The soft glow from its one tiny flame brightened the room. "The glow of the candle represents how man ( can show his thanks for the gift of God's ,=(,)=, son that Christmas Eve long ago. Teach |'==='| _, the children to follow in Christ's | |,)/( footsteps. To go about doing good. | |)/<_, Teach them to let their light so >>>\, _/<8<-_/ shine before men that all may see >>>>>>oo<<)\( it and glorify God. This is what >>>>>>o<<<\/ is symbolized when the twinkle lights shine on the tree like hundreds of bright, shining candles, each of them representing one of God's precious children, their light shining for all to see." Again Santa reached into his bag and this time he brought forth a tiny red and white striped cane. As he hung it on the tree he spoke softly. "The candy cane is a stick of hard white candy. _._ White to symbolize the virgin birth and sinless /\|/\ nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the /\/ )-| Solid Rock, the foundation of the church, and /\/ `" the firmness of God's promises. The candy cane /\/ is in the form of a "J" to represent the /\/ precious name of Jesus, who came to earth /\/ as our Savior. It also represents the /\/ crook of the Good Shepherd, which He uses `" to reach down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who, like all sheep, have gone astray. The original candy cane had three small red stripes, which are the stripes of the scourging Jesus received by which we are healed, and a large red stripe that represents the shed blood of Jesus, so that we can have the promise of eternal life. Teach these things to the children." ,...., ,;;:o;;;o;;, Santa brought out a beautiful wreath ,;;o;'''''';;;;, made of fresh, fragrant greenery and ,;:;; ;;o;, tied with a bright red bow. "The bow ;o;; ;;;; reminds us of the bond of perfection, ;;o; ;;o; which is love." "The wreath embodies ';;;, _ _ ,;;;' all the good things about Christmas ';o;;/_\/_\;;o;' for those with eyes to see and hearts ';;\_\/_/;;' to understand. It contains the colors '//\\' of red and green and the heaven-turned jgs // \\ needles of the evergreen. The bow tells |/ \| the story of good will towards all and its color reminds us of Christ's sacrifice. Even its very shape is symbolic, representing eternity and the eternal nature of Christ's love. It is a circle, without beginning and without end. These are the things you must teach the children." "But where does that leave you Santa?" I asked. The tears gone now from his eyes, a smile broke over Santa's face. "Why bless you, my dear," he laughed, "I'm only a symbol myself. I represent the _... spirit of family fun and the o_.-"` `\ joy of giving and receiving. .--. _ `'-._.-'""-; _ .' \`_\_ {_.-a"a-} _ / \ If the children are _/ .-' '. {c-.-o-.){\|` | taught these other things (@`-._ / \{ `~^~`} \\ _/ there is no danger that `~\ '-._ /'. } \} .-. I'll ever be forgotten." |>:< '-.__/ '._,} \_/ / ()) | >:< `'---. ____'-.|(`"` "I think I'm \ >:< \\_\\_\ | ; beginning to understand \ \\-{}-\/ \ at last." I replied. \ '._\\' /) '. /( "That's why I came," '97 `-._ _____ _ _____ __.'\ \ said Santa. "You're an jgs / \ / \ / \ \ \ adult. If you don't _.'/^\'._.'/^\'._.'/^\'.__) \ teach the children these ,==' `---` '---' '---' ) things, then who will?" `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""` --- ...Such A wonderful one! Thanks Cloie! ========================================================= >-->From TheGroaner: _/\_ __/\__ ) . (_ _) .' ( `) '.( ) .' (` `\._\()/__(~`.:::::.,_ ()() -:::::::::::::-. / |`\:::-"`_ `"-::::. ) : (:::####| `:::: `)_/''::::"#| `:::: ;::: '::::. :::; :::: |##::::. :::: :::: |####::::. :::: :::: |####|_::::._ :::: ;::: |#######::::#| :::; :::: |#########'::::.::: ::::. ^^^^^^^^^^^'::::: jgs '::::-._ _.-::::' `-:::::::::::::-` `"''''''"` >Christmas Cleaning "Boss, can I take tomorrow off? My wife really needs help with Christmas cleaning," asks Joe. "Are you out of your head, man? I can't give you a day off for this!" rumbles the boss. "Oh thanks a lot, boss," Joe smiles, relieved, "I knew I could rely on you!" -<>- >One Diamond Ring A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel- drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?" -<>- .-""""""""""-. / `\ / .--.---.-.-.--.-;. ; { ' . ' . ' . '} | {__'_,__.__'__.__'_} | / _ _ \ | ; / \ / \ ; | | |0| |0| | \ | \_/ \_/ | .-'\; \ / ; |. ' \ '. .' / \ ` / '. '-.__.-' .' '--' '-._ _.-' jgs '''' >Q and A Quickies Q: What do you get when you deep fry Santa? A: Crisp Cringle. Q: Why does Santa always enter through the chimney? A: Because it soots him. Q: What do road crews use at the North Pole? A: Snow cones! Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish. Q: What do you call a scary looking reindeer? A: A cariboo. Q: How do you know when Santa's around? A: You can always sense his presents. Q: What you can call a polar bear who wears ear muffs? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you! Q: What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery? A: Welfy. Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A: A rebel without a Claus. Q: Why do mummies like Christmas so much? A: They're into all the wrapping. Q: How do you help someone who's lost their Christmas spirit? A: Nurse them back to elf. Q: What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? A: Jingle Smells! ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: [IIIII] [IIIII]=| |=====|=| |=====| | | | | | | | | | ; | ; \ |`'. \ \ \ ; \ \ \' \.'| \ .'|_/ jgs '._:_/ Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence with two words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance to speak. He thinks for a while before saying, "Food bad." Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard." A decade later and it's the big day again. He gives the head monk a long stare and finally says, "I quit." "I'm not surprised," the head monk says. "You've been complaining ever since you got here." -<>- Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead." One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight." -<>- Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?" Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!" After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?" -<>- |\.-./| /= =\ /= e e =\ >\=_ Y _=/< (,,)^(,,) |.:.:.:.| | | |, /( | |)\ )/ | |`-;o` | | )\ | ; \/.'\ jgs / / | .' \ / .' ;-' /'. .'` | \ / './_.' A client recently brought her two cats in to my husband's veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. "They weigh about the same," I told her. "That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat." -<>- A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." -<>- Before the cup of coffee even touched the table, my brother told the waitress, "Take it back. It's cold." The waitress poured him another cup and returned a minute later, only to be told once again, "Take it back. It's cold." The third cup, however, he accepted, which prompted the waitress to ask, "How did you know the first two cups were cold without sipping them?" My brother said, "Because with the first two, your thumb was in the coffee." -<>- >KEYS TO SUCCESS: Voice Mail Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to DO work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you're regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. ========================================================= >-->From JokeCentral: ___,@ / < ,_ / \ _, ? \`/______\`/ ,_(_). |; (e e) ;| \___ \ \/\ 7 /\/ _\8/_ \/\ \'=='/ | /| /| \ \___)--(_______|//|//| \___ () _____/|/_|/_| / () \ `----' / () \ '-.______.-' jgs _ |_||_| _ (@____) || (____@) \______||______/ >Quickies... If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car. If the car were stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car. Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen. ------- "Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that. Write soon, Affectionately, Father ------- The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang. "You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably. "All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!" ------- A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite." "So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested. "Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him." "That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?" ------- A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you? ------- As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I directed officers late one night to strategic positions around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding. Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my command. At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw a light on the roof." The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building. (Reader’s Digest) ------- A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically. The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard..and you were totally nude?" The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said... "What was the date again?" ------- Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? "Home. I can't work in the dark." -<>- _/\_ > _< /` `. .' ' o \ ( () @ '. .-' *_.-'-; .' 0 Q () `-. / @ o . * ) `-...-""- '-~'` _.'` Q * 0 @`-. .' o . * '-. / @ .___.~-' () `\ ( () * Q'.__Q *.' '-.-' `--._ @ ``-. _.-' @ __.-'~'-. @ `-. .' * ..-' o 0 `) / 0.-~-._ 0 * _.~-.*__.' '._ () '-.____.-'Q . '-. ;--' Q * * o @ '-. .-' * '.___ ..~ - . 0 () Q '. / @ o * _.''~.._____.--'`-. '-.___Q . 0 () @ * @`;_*8*_ .':. `'c___c .___.-~ Q o .=..=. |\ \\ | /. ':. /. .\ 0 @ _____((-\/-))__|\\ \\| ; ':. ':.\_T_/: _______ |-__-----||-----| \\ \| |. ':. /` `\ ||__||_|_\/ || |\ \\ | \:. ':(/ \) |"" |____|\ || |\\ \\| '::.__'/';-;'\ (=)==(=)==(=)\"""~~"""""| \\ \| jgs ()/ \() >Wrapping Presents With A Cat 1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present. 2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door. 3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe. 4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. 6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. 7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. 8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string. 9. Remove present from bag. 10. Remove cat from bag. 11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. 12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. 13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight. 14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper. 15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of. 16. Place present on cut-to-size paper. 17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry. 18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape. 19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. 20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon. 22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. 23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end. 24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper. 25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper. 26. Put present in box, and tie down with string. 27. Remove string, open box and remove cat. 28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room. 29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials. 30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock. 31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!) 32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas. 33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job. 34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. 35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion. 36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. 37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked. 38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present. 39. Vow to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the thing for you. -<>- , ------- . : . | | '.:.' {}} | .-'|'-. =========== * _ _ (( @ @ )) ..' ( \ / ))) o (( '. \ V / (( <=======[] (= ) ))`. ,. '(( `\ \_(( \___/ ))_\ \_ / | \ (____) / \/^\/ \ / `"` \ ( * ) `. * .' gfj/98 *_**_*_**_*_**_*_**_* >Pizza Hut Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..." Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order." Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir." Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: "Darn. What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it" Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?" Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $59.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn." Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 55 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "How in the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it." Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July conviction for cussing out a cop." Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics." -<>- _...Q._ .' '. / \ ;.-""""--.._ | /'-._____..-'\| .' ; o o |`; / /| () ; \ _.-, '-' ; '.__.-' \ \ .-"`, | \_ / `'` '._`.; ._ / `'--.,_=-;_ \ \| `\ .\_ /` \ `._ \ \ `/ ``---| \ (~ \ \. | o , \ (~ (~ ______________ \ \`_\ _..-' \ (\(~ |.------------.| \/ `` / \(~/ || FREE SNOW || \__ __..-' - '. || """" """" || \ \``` \ || shovel all || ;\ \o ; || you want! || | \ \ | ||____________|| ; \ \ ; '------..------' \ \ \ _.-'\ / || '. \-' \ .' || _.-" ' \-' .-||-. jgs \ ' ' ' \ '..---.- ' \ ' ' _.' \' ' _.-' \ _.-' >Mistaken Identity Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells! her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. Then I noticed the: "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So, naturally . . . . . .I assumed you had stolen the car." -<>- Well, like I said last week, Aussies really are going for changing the "Night Before Christmas Poem." I guess we shouldn't be surprised since they consistently choose to have Christmas in summer - whad up wit dat? LOL, so here today we have the London, England version of the poem written by Aussie born Londoner Kim Van Wyck and forwarded to me by Terry Blakenship. __. .--, *-/___, ,-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___, _.-.=,{\/ _/ /`) `\ _ ),-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___, ) _..-'`-(`._(_.;` / /< \\=`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )<`--''` (__\_________/___, /< <\ *London, England Christmas* Twas the night before Christmas, In England, you know, the planned tube strike went ahead, the streets full of snow. Asleep in their terrace house, were Charles and Jane, Dreaming of Christmas dinner And the weight they would gain. Not stockings but polished shoes, At the foot of their beds, For this was Old Blighty, What more need be said? When all of a sudden, From out the still night, There came such a ruckus, It gave Charles such a fright! And he saw 'cross the Thames, Like the shot from a gun, A loaded up red double decker bus, Come on at a run. The driver was shouting, as he drove passed Big Ben, "Tally Ho, 'Allo Guvna, What's all this then?" The driver, in a tux, And a cummerbund bright red, Had a matching top hat, On the top of his head. As he stepped from the bus, He was really a sight, Big fat and round, His beard curly and white. He burst into the house, And the children awoke, They were both so astonished, That neither one spoke. He filled up their polished shoes With presents galore, And neither could think Of a single thing more. Charles speaking, indirectly, The way Brits do that's so silly, Said "Rather sir, I must say, you do look remarkably similar to this chappie reported to be going around the place on nights such as these handing out presents willy nilly." "Well, maybe I am he" Said the fellow with a wink And he smiled as he gave His mysterious wink Then he left in his bus, pausing to say, An old English rhyme, passed down through his day: "Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat. Please put a penny in the old man's hat. If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do. If you haven't got a ha'penny, then God bless you." Translation: Old Blighty - London Guvna - Governor (usually a policeman) ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Kid Lessons!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kidlessons.html Baby's Firsts!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/babyfirsts.html Kids On God!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kidsonGod.html God Is Like...!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/godislike.html Notes To God!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cnotes.html Mini Baby Art!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/baby.html Making A Baby!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/makeababy.html Small Thoughts!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/smallthoughts.html Pucker Up, Baby!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/babypucker.html Kids Being Kids 5!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kids5.html IRONIC Isn't It 3?- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/irony3.html Porcelain Doll Art!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/porcelaindoll.html Kids With Animals!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kidswithanimals.html Did You See That 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/seethat2.html Parenting No-No's 3!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/parenting3.html Humor With Cooking!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cookinghumor.html Rules For Raising Children!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rulesforchildren.html For All Mothers And Fathers!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mum.html Christmas And New Year's Index!- http://www.shangralas.com/ -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseAu :) Vocal band Home Free performs the fun Christmas song "Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer" in this music video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c8GlSb6XlA A beautiful video to the music of 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year' by Enya. https://youtu.be/d25fTVA4NaE FaWiJo, the little kid, singing with his godfather and legend, Jose Feliciano, the iconic song 'Feliz Navidad'. https://youtu.be/0UVUW11FENs Three-year-old Lexi Massingale stars in this adorable video of what Christmas on the farm might look like for some kids. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7zYumEHJx4 A wonderful look at some special moments Bob spent with the troops during his many Christmas performances. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppA4qYF7ARo --- ...Love These! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football." -Jimmy Fallon "Hundreds of flights were cancelled today at the world's busiest airport in Atlanta due to a massive power outage yesterday. Experts are saying this could lead to as many as 30 texts from your mother." Seth Meyers "Christmas is a strange holiday. It's Jesus' birthday. But Nobody knows Jesus' exact birthday because he refuses to sign up for Facebook." Jimmy Kimmel "It is officially one week until Christmas. That means if you're a guy, you have six days until you have to start shopping." -Conan O'Brien "Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas." -Jimmy Kimmel "We are just one week away from Christmas. Which means today is that special day when husbands tell their wives, 'I give up. Just tell me what you want.'" -Jimmy Fallon The true secret about giving advice is that after you have honestly given it, You have to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not. - Unknown Never search your happiness in others, Which will make you feel alone, Rather search it in Yourself, You'll feel happy Even if you are left alone. - Unknown He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree. __,_,_,___) _______ (--| | | (--/ ),_) ,_) | | | _ ,_,_ | |_ ,_ ' , _|_,_,_, _ , __| | | (/_| | (_| | | || |/_)_| | | |(_|/_)___, ( |___, ,__| \____) |__, |__, | _...._ \ _ / .::o:::::. (\o/) .:::'''':o:. --- / \ --- :o:_ _::: >*< `:}_>()<_{:' >0<@< @ `'//\\'` @ >>>@<<* @ # // \\ # @ >@>*<0<<< __#_#____/'____'\____#_#__ >*>>@<<<@<< [__________________________] >@>>0<<<*<<@< |=_- .-/\ /\ /\ /\--. =_-| >*>>0<<@<<<@<<< |-_= | \ \\ \\ \\ \ |-_=-| >@>>*<<@<>*<<0<*< |_=-=| / // // // / |_=-_| \*/ >0>>*<<@<>0><<*<@<< |=_- |`-'`-'`-'`-' |=_=-| ___\\U//___ >*>>@><0<<*>>@><*<0<< | =_-| o o |_==_| |\\ | | \\| >@>>0<*<<0>>@<<0<<<*<@< |=_- | ! ( ! |=-_=| | \\| | _(UU)_ >((*))_>0><*<0><@<<<0<*< _|-,-=| ! ). ! |-_-=| |\ \| || / //||.*.*.*.|>>@<<*<<@>><0<<@>>>>>| ( ~~~ )/ (((((((()))))))) ~~~~~~~~ '""""`------' `w---w` `------------' >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $20 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all self-subscribed readers and $5 more will give you the same message also put up for all web site readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ********************************************************************** >TO SUBSCRIBE:Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com **********************************************************************