Muhammad Ali, DARWIN, And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) Google notified me that my ads on the web site needed updated so I have been working on that. My goal is to keep the site free and not need donations, so doing the extra work to achieve this is well worth it in my mind. However, it has been grueling and I am only half way through the editing so far! -<>- >Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This Too hot to handle one comes from forwards from Linda, Sharon and Wesley. Most beautiful and so unusual I had to look it up to make sure the photos were not PaintShop. Check it out here... ,_ :`. .--._ `.`-. / ',-""""' `. ``~-._.'_."/ `~-._ .` `~; ;. / / / jgs ,_.-';_,.'` `"-;`/ ,'` Albino Hummingbird http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ahummingbird.html --- ...Awesome! Thanks Linda, Sharon, and Wesley! ============================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Owls - A True Story Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his __ __ backyard in Devon, England, hooting like an \ `-'"'-` / owl -- and one night, an owl called back to him. / \_ _/ \ For a year, the man and his feathered friend | d\_/b | hooted back and forth. Rowe even kept a log .'\ V /'. of the "conversation." Just as Rowe thought / '-...-' \ he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter- | / \ | species communication, his wife had a chat with \/\ /\/ next door neighbour, Nancy Hollis. jgs==(||)---(||)== "My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe. "That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John." Then it dawned on them. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) They Want A Baby A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. .'. The woman decided to go to the / '. __ gynecologist and see if the problem | '. / was with her. She had been hard of _|________'.______/ hearing since she was a small child. | | The doctor examined her and came in \ / to give her his opinions. '.--. .--.' / \__/ \ He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem jgs \ / \ / is with you. You have insufficient '--' '--' passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle." The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish in my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel." ============================================================= +----------------+ BIZARRE PREDICTIONS +----------------+ I can't predict what I'm going to have for lunch this afternoon, but there are people out there called futurologists who claim to be able to make accurate "educated guesses" about what is going to happen in the distant future. In a story from the BBC two prominent futurologists take some shots at what the world will be like in 100 years. Following are their 10 most likely predictions. 1. Oceans will be extensively farmed and not just for fish. We will need to feed 10 billion people and nature can't keep up with demand, so we will need much more ocean farming for fish. But algae farming is also on the way for renewable energy. 2. We will have the ability to communicate through thought transmission. Transmission will be just as easy as other forms of brain augmentation. Picking up thoughts and relaying them to another brain will not be much harder than storing them on the net. 3. Thanks to DNA and robotic engineering, we will have created incredibly intelligent humans who are immortal. It is more likely that direct brain links using electronics will achieve this, but GM will help a lot by increasing longevity - keeping people alive until electronic immortality technology is freely available at reasonable cost. 4. We will be able to control the weather. There is already some weather control technology for mediating tornadoes, making it rain and so on, and thanks to climate change concerns, a huge amount of knowledge is being gleaned on how weather works. 5. We will all be wired to computers to make our brains work faster. We can expect this as soon as 2050 for many people. By 2075 most people in the developed world will use machine augmentation of some sort for their brains and, by the end of the century, pretty much everyone will. 6. We will have figured out nuclear fusion. This is likely by 2045-2050 and almost certain by 2100. It's widely predicted that we will achieve this. What difference it makes will depend on what other energy technologies we have. 7. There will only be three languages in the world - English, Spanish and Mandarin. This does look like a powerful trend, other languages don't stand a lot of chance. Minor languages are dying at a huge rate already and the other major ones are mostly in areas where everyone educated speaks at least one of the other three. 8. California will lead the break-up of the US. There are some indications already that California wants to split off and such pressures tend to build over time. It is hard to see this waiting until the end of the century. 9. Space elevators will make space travel cheap and easy. First space elevators will certainly be around, and although "cheap" is a relative term, it will certainly be a lot cheaper than conventional space development. 10. Deserts will become tropical forests. Desert greening is progressing so this is just about possible. =============================================================== >-->From TheMasti: /////' ' # o C - | ___ ' =__' ___ (` _ \_ | | _/ ') \ (__\ ,---- _ |----. /__)- | \__ ( ( / ) ) __/ |_X_\/ \. # _.| \/_X_| | \ /( / /\ / | \ / ( , / \ _/ /______/ [:::::::] /*%*%*%*%*\ >%*%#%*%*%| /%*%*#*%*%*\ ######^###### b'ger Muhammad Ali turns 70 today, and to celebrate we have compiled his greatest quotes. Here are 37 of Ali's most vicious, funny and profound sayings - one for each knock-out of his professional career. ON BOXING 1 - 'I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a whale, only last week I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick. I'm so mean I make medicine sick.' 2 - 'There's not a man alive who can whup me. I'm too fast. I'm too smart. I'm too pretty. I should be a postage stamp. That's the only way I'll ever get licked.' 3 - 'I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.' 4 - 'I am the astronaut of boxing. Joe Louis and Dempsey were just jet pilots. I'm in a world of my own.' 5 - 'If you dream of beating me, you'd better wake up and apologize.' 6 - 'There are two things that are hard to hit and see. That's a spooky ghost and Muhammad Ali.' 7 - 'I'm not the greatest; I'm the double greatest. Not only do I knock 'em out, I pick the round.' 8 - 'Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.' 9 - 'People don't realize what they had till it's gone. Like President Kennedy - nobody like him. Like The Beatles, there will never be anything like them. Like my man, Elvis Presley - I was the Elvis of boxing.' ON JOE FRAZIER 10 - 'Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.' 11 - 'Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.' 12 - 'It will be a killer, and a chiller, and a thriller, when I get the gorilla in Manila.' 13- 'I always bring out the best in men I fight, but Joe Frazier, I'll tell the world right now, brings out the best in me. I'm gonna tell ya, that's one helluva man, and God bless him.' ON GEORGE FOREMAN 14 - 'I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing. And the shadow won.' 15 - 'Floats like a butterfly, sting like a bee, his hands can't hit what his eyes can't see.' 16- 'Now you see me, now you don't. George thinks he will, but I know he won't!' 17- 'It's a divine fight. This Foreman - he represents Christianity, America, the flag. I can't let him win. He represents pork chops.' 18 -'That all you got George?' (Ali during the Rumble in the Jungle) . |\ ' ` __ \ \ .-:'.-' ) ) / / \ '-'' ' , '` -.\ ./ O o `_ `---o--'. \ \|/ / BUNNY .###._.'._ BOXING '#####'H ' === /'#####'HH,\ \========== (__.###'HHH ` ) \ ( ) /'-' \-----/ | | \ `-- `-- kOs ( ) \ ) | | | | | | | | '-' `-`\. / \ ( `-. (____) `--._.' ===== === ON FLOYD PATTERSON 19- 'Hey Floyd - I seen you! Someday I'm gonna whup you! Don't you forget, I am the greatest!' 20 - 'I'll beat him so bad, he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.' Cassius Clay vs Sonny Liston: Tale of the tape ON SONNY LISTON 21 - 'Sonny Liston is nothing. The man can't talk. The man can't fight. The man needs talking lessons. The man needs boxing lessons. And since he's gonna fight me, he needs falling lessons.' 22 - 'I shook up the world! I shook up the world!' 23 - 'Why, chump, I bet you scare yourself to death just starin' in the mirror. You ugly bear! You ain't never fought nobody but tramps and has beens. You call yourself a world champion? You're too old and slow to be champion!' 24 - 'Get up sucker and fight. Get up and fight.' ON HOWARD COSSELL 25 - 'You're always talking about, Muhammad, you're not the same man you were 10 years ago. Well, I asked your wife, and she told me you're not the same man you was two years ago!' ON GOLF 26 - 'I'm the best. I just haven't played yet.' ON LIFE 27 - 'When you can whip any man in the world, you never know peace.' 28 - 'Cassius Clay is a slave name. I didn't choose it and I don't want it. I am Muhammad Ali, a free name - it means beloved of God - and I insist people use it when people speak to me and of me.' 29 - 'What's my name, fool? What's my name?' (Ali to Ernie Terrell who refused to call him Muhammad Ali) 30 - 'I know I got it made while the masses of black people are catchin' hell, but as long as they ain't free, I ain't free.' 31 - 'Why should they ask me to put on a uniform and go 10,000 miles from home and drop bombs and bullets on brown people while so-called Negro people in Louisville are treated like dogs?' 32 - 'I got nothing against no Viet Cong. No Vietnamese ever called me a 'nigger'.' 33 - 'A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.' 34 - 'Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer.' 35 - 'One of these days, they're liable to make the house I grew up in a national shrine.' 36 - 'A rooster crows only when it sees the light. Put him in the dark and he'll never crow. I have seen the light and I'm crowing.' 37 - 'It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.' -<>- __ ,;.'--'. /"/=,=( \( __/ ___/ (____ .' - - '. / v \ __/ , | \ '-/'_ {z, ,__/__,__/\__,_ )__( z} \>' ( \_ `--c/ _.-'\_ , / \_ ( `.______.' '. \ , \ ( __ ) \ )-'-\__/-' | / snd | | / .' / ,) ( \_ oooO' '--Ooo >Tips - How to Get Rid of Belly Fat In the age of six-pack abs and eight-pack abs, a rim of fat around your waistline is uncomfortable for sure. Not only it spoils your appearance and beauty, belly fat can pose major health hazards too. If you have loads of fat deposited around your belly, you are more prone to cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, cancer and many other health problems. So the effort to get a flat belly is of huge craze in this 21st century. The reasons behind a fat belly: The unused fat of our body gets easily accumulated in our abdominal region. A fat waistline is the effect of an irregular lifestyle, unbalanced diet, bad sleeping pattern, consumption of excessive alcohol, lack of physical activities and exercises. The Cure: There is no miracle cure which will reduce your belly fat overnight. And no particular treatment is there targeting only your belly fat. But in a positive note, the normal weight loss programs affects the belly fat faster than the other parts of the body because the type of fat deposited in your belly is metabolically more active and easier to lose. So don't lose your heart. Gear up and start a strict regime to trim your tummy. Home Based Remedies: Rather than spending hundreds of dollars in tummy tucking sessions and pills, it is always safer and more economic to try for the natural home based remedies, if you have patience and you are consistent to continue the treatment for a longer span. Natural Remedies to Get Rid of Belly Fat 1. A regular schedule of cardio vascular exercises like walking, jogging, swimming and cycling helps in overall weight loss and reducing belly fat too. 2. Cut your sugar intake. Say no to sweets. 3. Instead of having heavy meals divide it in 4 to 5 mini meals as it prevents the fat from getting deposited. 4. Have lemon tea or ginger tea with cinnamon as substitute of coffee. 5. Cut off your salt intake and keep a track of your cholesterol level. 6. Increase your water intake. Along with exercise, drinking plenty of water will help you in your weight loss program. 7. Discard processed foods in your diet. Rather eat plenty of fresh vegetables, salad and fruits. 8. According to latest research, calcium has a positive impact in reducing belly fat. So drink milk and dairy products rich in calcium. 9. High protein diet rich with fiber and whole grains are best for burning belly fat. 10. Have adequate sleep. Your sleep pattern controls your body weight. 11. Try to lead a stress free life. Stress generally increases our appetite. If appetite is enhanced we consume food in large quantity and the fat may get deposited in our abdominal area. 12. Do not completely cut eating fatty food as fat is an essential source of energy. So try to intake mostly polyunsaturated fatty acids like sunflower oil, soya oil etc which are also rich in omega 3 fatty acids and they help in shedding your flab. Trimming your tummy or burning belly fat is a part of an entire weight loss program. And if one can do it with dedication and determination, belly fat will get reduced gradually in due course of time. Wish you get great abs soon! -<>- \_, _ _ \.= \\ /,~,"\ // _ __ !!!,,, _ _ ___ \\ /|o_o|( // /.-. | !!'''!!! .'_"_'. ;---,\ :\)\'=/ /'/ ||o_o|| !!!a,a!!! /|o_o|| )o,o)| \(-._.-\' |,\= || !!.=.|!! | \='/| _| =/ \_ '\ Y / .--' '-. (^( .-' '-. \~} / /'_/(-._ ( J\ \/| ) | : | / .--Y-.\\ \\/ .-,-. \// \|( |/ '.\ \\==== // _/ : (_ ( /\ -/ / \_/\----|\/ ) \_' \\ \\==// \ \'.__.'/ \\| \8" \ , ( ) \;= snd || || / |'-,-'| 9/ ) )---\ |____|\) /|/ /)| \ | / /_____/ / | ) \_||_/ | | | | | / ) ) / \ ( / \ | | )| ) | | | | |/\/ // \| | / \ \ |/ |/ |-| |-| /|/| |/ |\ |__| \__| _/ |/ | '-' '-' [_[_/ /| '=' /:( ):\ (_,(__,] '= '-' '-' "Sporty" "Ginger" "Posh" "Scary" "Baby" >THE SEVEN C's OF SUCCESS.. THE SEVEN C's OF SUCCESS by Brian Tracy Clarity: Eighty percent of success comes from being clear on who you are, what you believe in and what you want. Competence: You can't climb to the next rung on the ladder until you are excellent at what you do now. Constraints: Eighty percent of all obstacles to success come from within. Find out what is constraining in you or your company and deal with it. Concentration: The ability to focus on one thing single-mindedly and see it through until it's done takes more character than anything else. Creativity: Flood your life with ideas from many sources. Creativity needs to be exercised like a muscle; if you don't use it you'll lose it. Courage: Most in demand and least in supply, courage is the willingness to do the things you know are right. Continuous learning: Read, at the very least, one book a week on business to keep you miles ahead of the competition. And just as you eat and bathe, organize your time so you spend 30 minutes a day exploring email, sending messages, going through websites, because like exercise, it's the only way you can keep on top of technology. If you get away from it, you'll lose your edge... ============================================================= >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) .ss$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ss. .s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ss. .s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$s .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$s .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$s. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ .$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ . s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ sssss. s ss $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ssss ss$s sss $$$$$$$$$$$ ssss$$$$ss $$$$s. sssss $$$$$$$$ s. .sss$$$$$$$$sss sss$$$$$$s ss$ssss $$$$$$$ sss. .ss$$$$$$ss$ss . s$$$$s. ss$s s $$$$$$ ss.ss .. ss .sss ss s $s $$$$$ ss..s. ss s ss$$$$s $$$$ ssssss. .ss ss s$$$s $$$ ssssssssss.. ssss. . ss $$ s $$ ss..ss$$$$sss .sssss .. s s$$ss $ ssss.sss$$$sss .sssss. ss.. s. $ $ .sss . .ss$sss . sssssss... ss$ ss sssss$$ ..ss ...sssss .sss. s ss $$ $ .ss..s .sssssss ss$$ $$ .ssssss .sssss .. $ $$$$ .ss$$ssss...s.s ..sss$$ssss. $$.$$$ .ss$$sss.. sss. .ssss$$s..s$ss. s ss ssss .sssssss...sss. .ssss$$ss.. . ss ssss .ssssssss.sss. .sss. ss .ssss .sssssssss. s ss .sssss. .sssssss.s .. ..ss$s. .s ss sssssss. .sssssssssssss$$s. .ss $ss ssssssss. ..sssssssssss .ss. $$$$. .sssssssss. ssssss ssss.$s s$$$$$$$$s. ..ssssssssss......ssss. s$$$s .s$$$$$$$$$$$s. .ssssssssssssssss. s$$$$$ss. s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ss.. .ssssssssss. .s$$$$$$$$s s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ssss... ...ss.. s$$$$$$$$$s s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$s .s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$s .s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$s .s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$s ..s$$$$$$$$$$s mic >WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration: View Animation here: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/factory.html Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved. A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts. Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour --- ...Oh My! LOL! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- /:""| .@@@@@, |: 66|_ @@@@@@@@, C _) aa`@@@@@@ \ ._| (_ ?@@@@ ) / =' @@@@" /`\\ \(``` || |Y| //`\ ."~~~~~". || |#| / | || | .:. | || |#| \ | || A | /6 6\ | || |#| / | || |~|_|_\ e /_|_ .@@@@, :| |=: / | |\ |_|)___`"`___(8 aa`@@@, ||_|,| | |_| \ |~~~~~~~~~| = `@@@ \)))|| | ((( | \_________/ )_/`@' |~~~`-`~~~| `~\~~~~~~| |/ /_\ \| / || @ | | `\ / ()/___\() | || @ |_________| ( || ||~~~~~|| /~|| "` |_________| | || || || /__W_\ | || | || || || ||| |_||__ __|_|| ||_____|| _||| jgs (____)) (:;:;)) ||-----|| ((___) >Golf The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught. --- ...LOL! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- _____ _.--"" ""--._ _.-" "-._ .F Y. .F Y. / ..___ ___.. \ F / | """""-------""""" | \ Q F F (.-"""-. .-"""-.) Q Q F F .' `. .' `. Q Q J F /| o | | o |\ Q L | J .`. .' `. .'. L | | F ( " `-...-'( )'-...-' " ) Q | | | `. _.-' '-' `-._ .' | | Y | L .' `. J | J L| Q' `F |J Q | | J L C D J \ \ ---...____..--- / _/ `L .-' `. .' `-. P |`L (|`-.__ __.-'|) J'|__ | `-._`-..__"""""__..-'_.-' | """.. _..--""-..-' `. `-..__"""""__..-" .'\ `-. .-" L `-._ """"" _.-' L *****:::. ." | ""--.........--"" Q *****...L /"""""--.. F .-""-. |\ \ L ::::::::L J (" /| J J .' _/\_ `. |_\ \ | L____...L F ._) /"| F | | >..< | | |\.' | Q J-----..._J F `.==..==.' |_| Q L F J '-..-' | | `. Q >The 2011 DARWIN Awards There was a guy in New York who removed his helmet while riding his motorcycle to protest the state’s helmet law and lost control of the motorcycle resulting in an accident that caused his death. You guessed it, the officers at the scene said, ”had he been wearing a helmet it is likely that he would not even have been hospitalized”. That didn’t even make the list they must have a great deal to choose from. The 2011 DARWIN Awards! It's with great pleasure that I announce..... It's that time again.....The Darwin Awards are out! These Annual Honors are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive! Read on...and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The nominees were: Semifinalist #1 A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both he and his sister. Semifinalist #2 Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. Semifinalist #3 A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." Semifinalist #4 A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized, but lived. Semifinalist #5 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his peers. And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously; THE 2011 WINNER! Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground. Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote! --- ...LMAO! Thanks PatDeE! ============================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: [Politics] >From Christian Coalition of America: RSC Chairman Jordan Blasts Obama’s Anti-jobs Keystone Pipeline Decision Barack Obama, rejecting the advice of his union supporters, said in effect that he was not interested in creating 20,000 (almost immediate) jobs when he rejected the building of the Keystone oil pipeline from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico this afternoon. Speaker of the House John Boehner, R-OH, accused Obama of “selling out American jobs for politics.” The Chairman of the 180-member strong conservative Republican Study Committee in the United States House of Representatives, Congressman Jim Jordan from Ohio, said: “The law clearly says the President can only block this project if he determines it ‘would not serve the national interest.’ How are thousands of new jobs, cheaper energy and greater security not in our national interest?”... (READ MORE) http://tinyurl.com/87eqm6y -<>- >From the TeaParty: Still room for 'conservative alternative' ...? http://tinyurl.com/7tyzepm -<>- >From Our Friend EdLaF: BREAKING! MILITARY EQUIPMENT Filmed 1\19\12 near Santa Cruz, Southbound - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS-PmhhxPG4&feature=player_embedded HEALING FREQUENCY - YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tJGS2WKidY&feature=related Look who's calling Obama a 'vulture socialist' Forget attacks on free-market capitalism. A national media figure is thrashing President Obama as a "vulture socialist." Find out who has the guts to say it, and why. http://www.wnd.com//?p=107667 --- ...Interesting! Thanks EdLaF: -<>- >From Human Events: President Obama Indicted http://content.eaglepub.com/?lara4Z5F.wFsDKrIqoP-HUgdquWsuNMRl >From BizareNews: This story might sound familiar to long time Bizarre News readers, but it is not a repeat. In almost the exact same circumstances as a story I wrote about several years ago, an Illinois man managed to shoot himself in the head with a nail gun, lodging a three-and-a-half inch nail in his brain. Dante Autullo was working in his garage when his nail gun recoiled, bringing it up against his head. Autullo saw a small wound, but thought it came from contact with the nail gun. Wiping away the blood he continued to work, but when he woke up the next day he felt nauseated with a nasty headache. His fiancee took him to the hospital where he underwent surgery. When he woke up 36 hours later Autullo had no idea what had happened. He had to be shown the X-ray of the nail in his brain before he would believe it. Doctors removed the nail and replaced the piece of skull with a plate of titanium. Incredibly he seems to show no debilitating side effects. And as a bonus his friends now get to call him ol' Titanium Head. *-- Bill almost put him back into hospital --* NEW YORK - An unemployed New York doorman was cured of pneumonia, but says the $44 million hospital bill almost gave him asthma. Alexis Rodriguez, 28, was one of several hundred patients to receive wildly inflated bills because of a computer error, the New York Daily News reported. The bill from Bronx-Lebanon Hospital should have been for no more than $300, but instead was listed as $44,776,587. Rodriguez told the newspaper, "I almost had an asthma attack." The billing firm, PHY Services, said it wasn't too hard to find the problem -- a subcontractor that prints the bills put the invoice number into the "amount due" space, the Daily News reported. *-- Fla. employees paid to get drunk --* SARASOTA, Fla. - The Florida Department of Law Enforcement revealed it paid 15 employees to get drunk to test the accuracy of the Intoxilyzer 8000 breath test. The FDLE revealed to a panel of judges in Sarasota County in December that it spent $330 on alcohol, mixers and Doritos for 15 employees to drink on company time and blow into the Intoxilyzer 8000s to test their accuracy, the Sarasota (Fla.) Herald Tribune reported Thursday. However, the judges expressed skepticism about the accuracy of the study because the blood work from the employees was not ready in time for the December hearing. The judges are considering the future of the use of the machines in Sarasota and Manatee counties. The $8,000 study was performed after investigators found many flawed machines had stayed in service in the state and breath test results from about 100 cases in the two counties were thrown out as a result of the probe. The judges are expected to issue a ruling in the coming days. *-- Man released from prison without pants --* VANERSBORG, Sweden - A Swedish man who completed a two-month prison sentence walked out of prison without pants or shoes after he was denied money to buy new clothes. The man, referred to only as Percy in media reports, told officials at the Brinkeberg prison in Vanersborg he had outgrown the pants he was wearing when he was arrested for unlawful driving, The Local reported Thursday. The prison service said in denying Percy money for new clothes that he had $118 among the personal items he reclaimed upon his release and was therefore able to purchase his own pants and shoes. Percy said he was unable to send for extra clothes in time for his release because he only learned a few days before he was to be released that his request for the prison to buy him clothes had been rejected. He said the prison offers pants and shoes for sale to released prisoners, but purchasing the items would have left him without enough money for food. The former prisoner said he was able to find a ride to Trollhattan while wearing only his shirt, underwear and socks. He said he was able to find pants and shoes for a more reasonable price than those offered by the prison. *-- British man has passport tattooed on back --* LONDON - A British man had his passport tattooed on his back and even used the image as an ID to take money out of the bank, he said. Richard Ashton, 27, told The Sun he had his passport inked on his back while backpacking in Australia in 2006. "I wanted something to remember my holiday by, but also wanted something patriotic," he said. "My girlfriend at the time thought I was a bit daft, but eventually she found it hilarious. That seems to be the general reaction." The London personal trainer said when he ran out of cash on his trip to Australia, he took off his shirt at a bank to use as ID. "The cashier gave me a strange look. She typed in my name and details after reading my tattoo and allowed me $50." Ashton, who was born in Sydney and holds dual citizenship, said he keeps his tattoo covered up most of the time. "I don't walk around with my top off." British officials said Ashton couldn't use the tattoo as ID to go abroad or enter Britain. *- Police: Man drove while claiming blindness -* ARONA, Italy - Italian authorities said a man is facing fraud charges after he was found to have been driving a car and riding a bike while collecting benefits for blindness. Police in Arona said they cross- checked pension data with driving license records and found the 69-year-old man, whose name was not released, had been driving while collecting disability checks for being "totally blind," ANSA reported Thursday. Investigators said the man collected more than $204,000 in benefits over the course of 18 years. *- Police: Man fled so he could smoke crack -* GAINESVILLE, Fla. - Police in Florida said a man who led officers on a chase told them he fled so he could smoke his crack before going to jail. Gainesville police said officers attempted to pull over a blue pickup truck Saturday because it had a headlight out, but the driver failed to stop and ran a red light while fleeing the pursuing vehicle, The Gainesville (Fla.) Sun reported Wednesday. Cpl Angelina Valuri, police spokeswoman, said an Alachua County Sheriff's Office deputy joined the chase and the truck eventually stopped at a Kangaroo gas station on U.S. 441 in Micanopy. The driver, Kenneth Stine, 53, told officers he stopped fleeing because he was out of gas. He told the officers he had refused to pull over because he had just purchased some crack and wanted to smoke it in his vehicle before going to jail. Stine was arrested and charged with fleeing and attempting to elude, possession of drug paraphernalia and violating his felony drug probation from a 2010 case. ============================================================= >-->From Our Friend Bunni :) ____________________ ____________________ | | ____ | | | CAN YOU GIVE ME | / \I -BUT I CAN ADD A | | ONE GOOD REASON | ( NO PITCHFORK AND A | /\ | WHY I SHOULD LET | \____/I TAIL TO THAT "GO | ( ) | YOU IN? | | TO HELL" ICON. | _)(_ _ |_______________ .___| |_____. _____________|~ __ ~-._ \"~-. \| |/ (_ /~,^ .r~T T~i. ^.~\ _) ` ' \ \/ ,^|| | | ||^. \/ / _____ ___ _ Y / || |[]| || \ Y .--. .^ ,^^\.-. {___~ ) | Y || | | || Y | / __ \ / ) / -- )_ \ c|..^o | | || |[]| || | | / ( (\ \ /( ) ,>.| ) \ |c_,| <| |===||=| |=||===| |> ( ( (\ Y __ (/ o Y).--^-------. )_/l <| |===||=|[]|=||===| |> ( ( (\l)/ \ )I | [~~~~~~~\| `--.\---x. || | | || | | ( ( ( (|Y Y ( |\| | \ _____\__ _ _/r~) )\_ ||_|[]|_||_ _| | ( \ \ || |____>-| | T = |.__\\<\`^ ", \~|| | | || ~ | |"~ \ \ (\| '~~ Y____|_I__l_n___|_ / `---c~~^. Y'~^|_.^"`|_.-^-|_, ( \ ( ( (| | | | [=o H .=.]_ `-I~T~Y |- __ ( \ \ l | | l___[___H____] ~"_| | | ,t __ "~ ~" \ ( \ \I\ | |[_________H____] / | l_j_.-T |--"~~ ~"-.__,.-"~ \ \ \ ||`----^-' :\_______H__/ \/| | |-.._ ( \|; : | |.. .. H.|^,__.-| : : |_ _.--~~"--.. \ | _ l _ : ||| || H|| __ ! | ' l "~" -Row ._ _." _|,-' ~"-' ~-.L|^.||_H|^-"~ ~"-. ._ \_.-"~-.__ "~ "~ ._ __,--.__~~ ~-._ _. "~~ ~~~" ~~" ~~" "~~~" ->HeavenComic<- A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia .." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later! --- ...LOL! Thanks Bunni! ============================================================= ,;;;:. ;;''''`: ;( O O| ,;;, | _\| \ | \__-/ ,' / | | / / _,--''`---'''-------.,-' / ,' / `. | _,' ,' |====== WM =| |-' \ ,======| |=|''---' / `. ,' \ \/ / ,'. ,'`' | --._ | ,' ,' | | __,' _,' \ -._ | `- ,-' |---------) ';;' ;:::::::::| ;:::::::::::\ /::::::;:::::| /_:::::/\:::::_\ / `-:_/ \,-' | / / \ | | | | _,) \_,-\ | | \ | | | |__| \,-| /##| | | \##/ | | ,-'''-. |,-| // \_/ \\ `.##\ |\_/ \_/| `--` jrei \/ \_/ \/ `-...-' >-->Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer... 1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win. 2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long. 3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record. 4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header. 5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts. 6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal. 7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere. 8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win. 9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead. 10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight. ============================================================ _____ .-"'""""''-. |__,-'" _.,/ ; } ,-' | ; | ; /" ,' { '..;,./_ o |-.,_ ;"; "|\ AsH/PjP """"" '-.,__.------'______/)_____________________________________ / '..' () / / /________ o / . \ o _________/ /|/o ____ / /|" / (|==;o / o___/|\ /_|/"' / /-, )\ _.--"/"-, ' " _.--/ ~|\ / |_\ ______/_//) / / :'..' / / : "/- / / / (\/_/__/____/""| """""/|"'..' / / / ( / / /) ( / / '..|\""/"""""""" /_| / /.-' o `._ /_.-' `. / / |_\/ /-----' / /|" / / . / `-----/ /--------' /) / o;==|) __`--------/ / '..' / " ' '..' / /__________________________/____________________________/ >-->From CleanLaffs: The proper response to "Good morning" is not "Prove it!" *** Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you. *** "You want us to do WHAT?" --Ancient Chinese wall engineer. -<>- On a curvy mountain highway late one night, my dad was com- plaining about the car behind us. "That guy must be drunk!" he said. "Every time I move over to let him pass, he slows down. When I get back on the road, he gets closer and stays on my tail." A few minutes later, the car turned on a set of flashing blue lights. Coming up to our window, the officer said, "Sir, I'd like you to take an alcohol test. You've been swerving on and off the road for the last fifteen minutes!" -<>- It was rush hour, and the city bus filled until the aisle was jammed with standing commuters. One woman, precariously balanced on spike heels, clung to a handgrip. Suddenly the bus took a sharp corner, flinging her across the laps of two seated male passengers. There was silence and all eyes turned on the threesome. Laughter erupted as the quick-witted woman righted herself and quipped, "All these years I thought I was British, and now I find I'm a Laplander!" -<>- After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins. "Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff." The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!" -<>- Margaret was really peeved! She was arguing with the druggist because her favorite cure-all could not be bought without a prescription. "Look, lady. You can't have this without a pre- scription because it's a habit-forming drug." "IT IS NOT!" yelled Margaret! "I ought to know...I've been taking it regularly for seventeen years!" -<>- There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada, Sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight homely women and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?" -<>- Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing: turbulence. I was working as a flight attendant on one particular flight when we hit a patch of very rough air just after a young teenager, obviously on her first flight, had entered the bathroom. After the bumps had sub- sided, she exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on her face. "Are you all right?" I asked as I helped her to her seat. "Don't worry, that turbulence was as bad as it gets." "So that's what it was," she said. "I thought I'd pushed the wrong button." -<>- The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few... "If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be 'profectionist'." "I was abducted into the National Honor Society." "I function well as an individual and a group." "Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck." -<>- During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again." Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough." -<>- An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there's still no sign of the pooch. "What did you write in the ad?" his wife asks. "'Here, boy,'" he replies. ============================================================= >-->From JokeCentral: () `.. .. `... `.. `.... `.. `.. ()-'`-. `.. `..`. `.. `.. `.. `.. `.. `.. `| |\\ `.. `.. `.. `..`.. `..`.. `. `.. ' |__| \) `.. `.. `.. `..`.. `..`.. `.. `.. . //\\__ `.. `.. `. `..`.. `..`.. `. `.. `.. (( `--( `.. `..`.. `. .. `.. `.. `. `. `.... . )\ `.. .. `.. `.. `.... `.. `.. ,--._ ` ,-'`- ;-. `.. `.. `. `.. `.. ,: , `. `. `.. `. .. `.. `.. /. ` ,-' . \ `. `.. `. `.. `.. `.. ( ; `. ) `... `. `.. `.. `.. `.. | ' , `. | `. `.. `...... `.. `.. `.. ( / . ( ) `. `. `.. `.. `.. `.. \ ) `/ `.... `.. `.. `..`........`........ `. / ' ,' `-:_ _,-' Consider yourself hit by a snowball !! `--' -shimrod >It's PUNny! TOM SWIFTIES "I don't think it is possible to know the mind of god," said Agnes stoically. (Jason Dias) "I loved drives through the country before all these signs came up," said Bill bored. (Gunjan Saraf) "I think I'll publish this Tom Sawyer book under a pseudonym," remarked Wayne. (Gary Hallack) "Somebody just broke my percussion instrument, " Tim bawled. (Gunjan Saraf) "But I can always do well with you as my partner," said Amy ably. (Bob Dvorak) "I dislike the whole of Greece," said Tom discretely. (Jason Dias) "I'm going to just forge ahead," said Beau, "regardless of what I maylose." (Bob Dvorak) "We don't need a machine to do that," said Arti sans hesitation.. (Gunjan Saraf) "I assisted the dressmaker today," said Tom formally. (Jason Dias) "I don't know what (b2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately. (Clinton Rogers) "I love hot dogs," said Tom with relish. (Asa Sparks) "I foresee things getting better," said Claire buoyantly. (Bob Dvorak) "I helped reattach that man's organ," Tom remembered. (Jason Dias) "I don't think the animal rights people have it quite right," Tom inferred. (Jason Dias) "Have you ever been abducted by aliens?" Tom probed. (Jason Dias) "I can't think of any more poetry," she said adversely. (Paul Dickson) "There's a fee for crossing this bridge," Tom told us. "No, there's not any more," his supervisor extolled. (Gary Hallock) "Why shouldn't I stir my yoghurt with a ball-point pen?" Tom bickered. (Gill Krebs) "My swimming coach made me cut my hair very short," Cathy cried very distressed. (Stan Kegel) MONDEGREENS Will you need me, will you still feed me, when I'm six feet four? (... when I'm sixty-four) The Beatles "When I'm Sixty-Four" (Gavin Edwards) There's a bathroom on the right. ( There's a bad moon on the rise) .The Credence Clearwater Revival "There's a bad moon a risin'": (Jason Dias) It's a hard egg (It's a heartache) Bonnie Taylor "It's a Heartache" (Gavin Edwards) You need Kool-Aid, baby I'm not foolin' (You need coolin', baby I'm not foolin') Led Zeppelin "Whole Lotta Love" (Gavin Edwards) Clown Control to Mao Tse-Tung (Ground control to Major Tom) David Bowie "Space Oddity" (Gavin Edwards) I want to rock 'n roll all night, and part of every day (I want to rock 'n roll all night, and party every day) Kiss "Rock and Roll All Nite" (Gavin Edwards) CHIASMS A long life is not good enough, but a good life is long enough. (Esther Jungreis) As I feasted at our company end-of-year dinner, I reflected on my underpowered computer, noting that for dinner I was having rack of lamb, but at work I had a lack of RAM. (Mark Wadsworth) It is better to be looked over than overlooked. (Archives) QUOTES & BLOOPERS "A nickel ain't worth a dime any more." (Yogi Berra) "Predictions are difficult, especially about the future." (Yogi Berra) "I really didn't say everything I said." (Yogi Berra) "It's like deja vu all over again." (Yogi Berra) "Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." (Yogi Berra) He lives under a consumed name. (Syman Hirsch) The residents were evaporated from the flood area. (Syman Hirsch) A major problem in America is jubuilat delinquency. (Syman Hirsch) Housework is so monogamous. (Syman Hirsch) I've got to get the shock observers fixed. (Syman Hirsch) Our mayor is a very extinguished man. (Syman Hirsch) The accused man was arranged in court. (Syman Hirsch) Quote from coroner's office re efforts to identify the person whose leg washed ashore in Boluga Bay: "We were stumped, basically" (Nan Bell & Elizabeth Lindsay/Dave Barry) New Orleans Times-Piocayune article re a breakout at an animal research facility: "Tulane Center monkeys escape. Half are captured in time for dinner." (Roy Winter/Dave Barry) Tip for Visitors : Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger (Dave Barry) -<>- >Red, White and Blue A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!" -<>- ___ ,-""___""-. .;""'| |`"":. || | | | | || ||_|_|_|_|_|| // /| /__ //| ,-""___""-. //|| .;""'| |`"":. // ||/| | | | || // ||_|_|_|_|_||// ||_________||/ || || '' ctr '' >FROM DUST A little boy came home from Sunday School and went into his room to change clothes. When he emerged, he asked his mother, "Is it true that we came from dust?" His mother replied, "Yes, dear. God made us from dust." The kid ran back into his room and came out all excited. "Mom, I just looked under my bed, and there's somebody either coming or going!" -<>- >The dentist A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply. "Och huv ye no got anyhin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist. "What aboot if ye dinnae use ony anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70" said the dentist. "Aye, an' whit aboot if ye just used wan o' your dentist trainees and still wi'oot anesthetic" said the Scotsman. "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say £40" said the dentist. "Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye mak it a trainin' session and hae yer student dae the extraction an' all they other students watchin' andlearnin" said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only £5 in that case" said the dentist. "Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman "Can ye confirm an appointment for ma wife next Tuesday?" -<>- "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."- President Gerald Ford -<>- ___ ,-'" "`-. ,'_ `. / / \ ,- \ __ | \_0 --- | / | | | \ \ `--.______,-/ | ___) \ ,--"" ,/ | / _ \ \-_____,- / \__-/ \ | `. ,' \___/ < ´--------' \__/\ | Wny \__// >Choc chip cookies An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced his way down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it the one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one final great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted... the wonderous taste of the cookie already in his mouth. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They are for the funeral." -<>- , `.-- .,-"" . ._,' . _,. `. , / .'.oo`.. `. `- .__.-' :: .; "-()-"`. \.-. / doida ; /'". ,"`'. "-- "-" .': : `----' "-" ' >Indiana Crazy Laws One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate. Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads. Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post. Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest. A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. Drinks on the house are illegal. It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b) Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. Liquor stores may not sell milk. Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes. Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor. You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her. Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights. No one may catch a fish with his bare hands. Men are prohibited from standing in a bar. You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it. "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal. You are required to pour your drink into a glass. It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices. Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day. A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming. The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed) Auburn It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days. Beech Grove It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park. Elkhart It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears. Evansville While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on. Fort Wayne You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book". Gary Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar. South Bend It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. Terre Haute No one may spit on the sidewalk. -<>- ,-----. W/,-. ,-.\W ()>a a<() (.--(_)--.) ,'/.-'\_/`-.\`. ,' / `-' \ `. / \ / \ / `. ,' \ / / `-._.-' \ \ ,-`-._/| |=|o |\_.-< <,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \ `-)| |// _ \\| )/ || |' | `| || | | | || ( )|( ) || | | | || | | | || |_.--.|.--._| || /'""| |""`\ [] `===' `===' hjw >Golf A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal." The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus." ============================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Designer Toilet Paper http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/designertp.html Chinese Olympic Cuisine http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/olympic.html Fun With Snow In Russia! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/russia.html Humor In Religion 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion3.html Giant Panda Bear http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pandabear.html Newborn Moose http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moose.html Humor In Politics 5 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/politics5.html Look Who's Talking 4 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/talking4.html Microscopic! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/micro.html Ten Life Tips http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lifetips.html -<>- >From Our Friend Jo Ann :) She sent us one we have here... Nouses For Hermits http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/house.html --- ...TeeHee! a fun reminder! Thanks Jo Ann! Hilarious! Watch the little boy beside Ernie Ford Children Go Where I Send Thee by Tennessee Ernie Ford http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwqWcn2gbTM --- ...LOL! Cute! Thanks Jo Ann! -<>- >From Our Friend Linda :) Are we really that old? She sent us one we have here... Celebrities Then And Now http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrities.html --- ...A Good funny one! Thanks for the reminder Linda! Apprentice Pilots: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_XWNKSTJLg http://www.youtu.be/watch?v=p8878GQX8iU --- ...Wowsers! Thanks Linda! Hand Shadow - Raymond Crowe at Royal Variety Show http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAQxNVQF_I0 --- ...Funny! Thanks Linda! -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley: ripped : jKiwi http://jkiwi.com/ ripped : tomb of the eagles , Orkney http://goo.gl/06UvD --- ...Interesting ones! Thanks Wesley: -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Southbreeze w/Ready and Willing http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/ReadyAndWilling.htm Dee w/A Little Gasoline http://www.dedemstoday.com/ALittleGasoline.html Mark w/Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions http://soloshideaway.home.att.net/572/big_mud_puddles.htm Sandy w/Always A Friend http://www.sandysworldonline.com/always_a_friend.html Doggie Zone http://www.dogsforthedeaf.org/ Interesting animals http://www.didyouknow.cd/animals/animals.htm Kitty Korner http://www.squirtsplace.com/SFS2005/freecats.jpg If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot." --Jay Leno "General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with- out me!" -David Letterman "This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze." -Conan O'Brien "Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." -Tim Allen "The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads, in- vestment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg." --Dave Barry "If you were a member of Jesse James's band and people asked you what you were, you wouldn't say, 'Well, I'm a desperado.' You'd say something like, 'I work in banks,' or 'I've done some railroad work.' It took me a long time just to say, 'I'm a writer.' It's really embarrassing." --Roy Blount, Jr. "Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again." "Don't worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor- row you worried about yesterday." "Start by doing what's necessary, then do what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." -Francis of Assisi "There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure." -Jay Leno "A recent study found that the U.S. has a higher obesity rate than Canada. Then again, maybe we just look fatter because our flag has horizontal stripes." -Jimmy Fallon >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Chrristian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************