Neanderthal Man? ... :) Shangy!
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================
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
================
>-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
Our first piping hot new page is from our friend Geniann.
Ever want to be a fly on the wall in the White House? Be
careful what you wish for. Ronald Kessler gives us an inside
view of what he thinks of the presidents he served. His
insights may surprise you but is sure to tickle the funny bone
of most conservatives. Check it out here...
_ _.-'`-._ _
;.'________'.;
_________n.[____________].n_________
|""_""_""_""||==||==||==||""_""_""_""]
|"""""""""""||..||..||..||"""""""""""|
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|LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI|
,,;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;,;;;,;;;,;;,,
;;jgs;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Secrets Of The Secret Service
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/secrets.html
---
...LOL! No surprises for me! Loved this! Thanks Geniann!
This next too hot to handle new page is from our friends Linda
and LouiseA. Its for all of us who have at one time or another
had our fill of our computer. I think we all wish we could just
give them what for like some of these toons do! These will give
you some Smiles on your day! Check it out here...
__,...__
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/::::| ; | |:::::::::`.
|:::::`._ \ |:::::::::::\
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Humor With Computers!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/computerhumor.html
---
...LOL! These are rich! Thanks Ladies!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
,-----.
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(.--(_)--.)
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A elderly gentleman was strolling through a quiet residential
neighborhood when he came upon a little boy sitting on the curb,
crying. "What's the trouble, son?" he asked. "Are you lost?"
"Worse than that," the youngster sobbed. "Mom lost her book on
child rearing and now she's using her own judgement!"
-<>-
A real estate agent had just closed his first deal, only to
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely
under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said
to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you?
Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
-<>-
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar
doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not
serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore,
will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks
him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything,
the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar!
We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I
will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
March 7 is National Crown Roast of Pork Day
March 8 is Be Nasty Day and International (Working) Women's Day
March 9 is Panic Day
March 10 is Middle Name Pride Day and Popcorn Lover's Day
March 11 is Johnny Appleseed Day and Worship of Tools Day
March 12 is Girl Scouts Day and Plant a Flower Day
March 13 is Ear Muff Day and Jewel Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
>Package Insurance?
"Do you want to insure this?" asked the clerk at the Post Office
when I handed her my package.
"Nope," I answered. "The contents aren't breakable."
The clerk wasn't so sure. "Ma'am, we are professionals. We can
break anything."
-<>-
__..---..__
,-=' / | \ `=-.
:--..___________..--;
\.,_____________,./
>Extra Desserts
Occasionally at the restaurant where I work there are extra desserts
and the staff are given some to take home. Once I brought home two
pieces of cheesecake for my son and daughter. Katie had a piece that
evening.
The next day her older brother found her watching TV and eating more
cheesecake.
"Are you eating my cheesecake?" he demanded.
"Oh, no," she replied sweetly, "I ate yours yesterday."
-<>-
>Physically Challenged
During my first meeting with my physically challenged students, I
assured them that most people are handicapped in some way.
"Look at me," I said. "My eyes are so bad, I need to wear glasses.
Because I can barely hear, I need a hearing aid. And look at my ears
... they're much bigger than they should be."
From the back, a boy added, "And your nose, too."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)
>Smiles:
_.._
.-' `-.
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: \{" "}/ :
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; / \ / \ ;
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A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and
registered his qualifications.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company,
favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
--------
A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more
venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot."
You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot.
If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."
"Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.
She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
--------
A new nun goes to her first confession and tells the priest
that she has a terrible secret.
The priest tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity
of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister
Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do
five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
--------
An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay
on what they would do if they had a million dollars.
Morris handed in a blank sheet of paper.
"Morris!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing.
Why?"
"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would
do!"
--------
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks
an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears
several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and
rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try
saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how
did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
-------
Little Johnny's mother asked him what he would like for his
birthday.
"I'd like a little brother," Little Johnny said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said his mother. "Why do you
want a little brother"?
"Well," said Little Johnny, "there's only so much I can blame
on my dog."
--------
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the
present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back
to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"
--------
My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones
into bed one evening, when we heard sobbing coming from three-
year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying
hysterically! He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was
sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change
his mind. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that
he happened to have in his pocket, and pretended to pull it from
Billy's ear. Billy was delighted!
In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it
and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Daddy!"
--------
A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles
over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him,
"Don't you give out warnings?"
"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They
say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"
--------
A torrential rainstorm was knocking down power lines all over
town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric
company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he
was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a
truck, not an envelope."
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseA!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
I am not a crook!
\
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>Political Aphorisms make you think, smile & nod….
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public
office.
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State
of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go
to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a
bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics
and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of
the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each
from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies
about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a
matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might
be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
A favorite
If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington
get a dog.
-Harry Truman-
---
...HaHa! Thanks Geniann!
-<>-
. .
) (
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _(.--.)
{{ { { { { { { { { { { ( '_')
jgs >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>`--'>
>Pet Store
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants
to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come
on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies,
"No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that
can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A
centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing
everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the
kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and...
it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances
sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty
minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been
vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa
plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've
ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get
me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes
later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30
minutes later... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering
what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple
of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the
centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent
you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper.
What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my
shoes!"
-<>-
.===. _ _
/ _/\ \ / )%.===.%( \
\/6.6\/ | // ,,, \\ |
( _ ) \/ \/6.6\/ \/ .===.
_)---(_ /\ ( _ ) /\ / ,,, \
/ `~` \ ^^ /()-()\ ^^ ( /6.6\ )
/\/ \/\ / /o o\ \ )( _ )(
\ | | / (._\ Y /_.) (_/;---;\_)
\|_____|/ (O_`&`_O) / `"*"` \
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| | | /. . . . . . .\ /. . . . . .\
|_|_| `"`"`|`|`|`"`"` `"`"|"|"|"`"`
jgs _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_
(___|___) (___|___) (___|___)
>Kids
An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-
known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the
proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first
graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in
mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last
one is a classic
Here's the proverb and the child's answer:
1. Don't change horses until - they stop running.
2. Strike while the - bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power - of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water - but how?
6. Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.
7. No news is - impossible.
8. A miss is as good as - a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new - math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust - me.
12. The pen is mightier than - the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the - best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's - pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all - the presents.
16. A penny saved is - not much.
17. Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you - put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you -
have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you - see in the picture
on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is - going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than - pregnant.
-<>-
___
(___)
/` `\
/ /"\ \
\_/o o\_/
( _ )
`\ /`
/\\V//\
/ /_ _\ \
\ \___/ /
\/===\/
|| ||
|| ||
||___||
|_____|
jgs |||
/ Y \
`"`"
>A Georgia Grandma
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called ...his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She
responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize
you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
---
...LOL! Thanks Geniann!
My first thought is that is why lawyers break in and make the
witness respond with a simple 'yes or no' - Judge Judy does that
all the time. She says, 'That's either a Yes or a No. Which is it?'
She can get mean!
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
[Politics]
All the latest news:
http://rightalerts.com/
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
A man was arrested on a charge of battery after allegedly
waterboarding his girlfriend because she spoke with another
man on Facebook, police in Wisconsin said.
Merrill police said that they have arrested 22-year-old
Dylan VanCamp, after being accused of torturing his girl-
friend numerous times over a period of several months.
VanCamp was charged with suffocation, battery, and stalking.
If convicted, VanCamp faces up to 10 years in prison and a
$25,000 fine.
According to the police investigation, a month into their
relationship, VanCamp began torturing his girlfriend after
he caught her speaking with another man on Facebook.
The woman told police that she was unable to breathe and
felt as if she was drowning. The jealous boyfriend then
dragged his girlfriend to the bedroom, punched her in the
head and pulled a knife on her.
It is not reported whether she will wait for him while he
serves his prison sentence.
-<>-
You wouldn't think lip balm is essential military equipment,
but if you are stationed at the Elmendorf-Richardson Joint
Air Force base in the frigid climes of Anchorage, Alaska,
you are gonna need that lip balm. But NOT if it has pot in
it!
An email sent to members of the base read...
"It has come to our attention that approximately 400 "SAPR
Lip Balm" promotional items which contain tetrahydrocannabinol
(THC) have been distributed throughout the installation. The
S Assault Response Coordinator office has ceased
distribution of the lip balm items and requests that you
dispose this product, if you received one of these items."
Well, of course. The last thing we want our flyboys and jet
mechanics seeing are Aztec pyramids floating in the sky and
holes in space and time.
But how did pot-laced lip balm get onto a military base in
the first place? Well, the email also stated that the presence
of hemp seed oil was responsible for the THC and the levels
were not significant enough to register on a drug test; however,
a certain guideline prohibits the use of hemp seed products.
So in other words, you as the tax-payer paid for a product
that has a chemically insignificant trace amount of an all-
natural product, and then you paid to have it all thrown away
because of a line of text in some bureaucratic footnote,
despite the fact that the hemp seed oil would have no effect
whatsoever (other than making lips soft and supple).
But the real twist in this story is who was distributing the
product. Why is the S Assault Response Coordinator office
distributing lip balm in the first place? Does lip balm provide
some protection from S assault that I don't know about?
*--------------- Space Makes you Grow ---------------*
If you think the weight of the world is bringing you down,
you're right. Astronaut Scott Kelly recently arrived in
Houston after a year in space. One of the more unusual
side effects of his record-breaking mission is that the
25-year-old astronaut actually grew. Kelly has a twin
brother and before the space mission the two were the exact
same height -- but not anymore. Kelly grew 2 inches during
his time aboard the International Space Station. NASA
spokesman Jeff Williams said, "Astronauts get taller in
space as the spine elongates, but they return to preflight
height after a short time back on Earth."
*--- Man convicted of Stabbing Neighbor Over Birds ---*
CAMDEN, N.J. - A southern New Jersey man has been found
guilty of stabbing his downstairs neighbor to death in
a dispute over pet birds. Camden County prosecutors say
65-year-old David Giordano was convicted of aggravated
manslaughter in the slaying of 52-year-old Michael Taylor.
The Voorhees Township man had been Taylor's upstairs
neighbor. Prosecutors say Giordano poured water on
Taylor's pet birds because they were chirping too loudly.
The birds had been kept on Taylor's porch. Giordano then
repeatedly stabbed Taylor with a knife when Taylor
confronted him. Taylor died from his injuries at a hospital
nearly three weeks later. Giordano faces 15 to 30 years in
state prison.
*-- Driver in police chase revealed as 13-year-old taking
8-year-old sister on joyride --*
CLINTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. - Police in Michigan said a
13-year-old boy loaded his 8-year-old sister into a car
and took her on a joyride that ended with a police chase.
The Macomb County Sheriff's Office said a deputy
investigating a report of a black Nissan Altima driving
erratically Saturday night spotted the vehicle stopped
at a red light about 11:30 p.m. in Clinton Township. The
deputy turned on his lights, and the car pulled over, but
it sped off after a few seconds and made it a short
distance before the driver lost control, and the car spun
out across the grassy median and into the eastbound lanes
of Metropolitan Parkway. Two children, identified as the
13-year-old driver and his 8-year-old sister, then got
out of the vehicle and fled on foot. Deputies chased down
the children with help from Clinton Township police and
determined the boy had been driving with the girl in the
front passenger's seat. The girl was released to her
mother, while the boy, who police said they knew from
previous incidents, was detained at the Macomb Juvenile
Justice Center. Police said the car belonged to the
girlfriend of the children's father.
*-- Tip jar thief got $6.77 after paying $9.82 for meal
he left behind --*
CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand - The owner of a New Zealand
restaurant said a man who stole a tip jar containing $6.77
forgot to take his food, which he had already purchased
for $9.82. Security camera footage posted to Facebook by
Nando's Riccarton restaurant in Christchurch shows the
man putting the tip jar which contained about $6.77 -- 10
in New Zealand dollars -- in his bag. The suspect was
confronted by owner Yateen Lallu after the man spent a
few moments in the bathroom before the empty tip jar was
discovered on the restroom floor. "I said to him 'there's
our tip jar', and he said 'it wasn't me, it must have been
someone else'. I said 'are you sure? Are you telling the
truth?' And he told me to check his bag and check the
security cameras and I started to doubt myself," Lallu
told Stuff.co.nz. He said the man fled while he was
reviewing security footage. Lallu said the man's crime
didn't turn any profit -- he had already paid $9.82, 14.50
New Zealand dollars, for a meal that he left behind. "So
it wasn't worth it, he had a bad day. It was not good
karma for the poor bloke," Lallu said. Police said they
are looking into whether the man in the CCTV footage is
the same man caught on camera in November stealing
security cameras from the Casa Dei Bambini preschool in
Richmond.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
Murphy says:
Never argue with a fool, people may not know the difference...
_,
^(o.).__.
/ , o o)
/ `u-u',._/
( _\ \ `|-|
----`.__)------| |-------
`-' Ojo98
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to
choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill
down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears
his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20
minutes."
-<>-
Longtime friends were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
One of their sons gave a loving toast, finishing with,
"and thank you for having such a beautiful marriage."
"Thank you for making it necessary," the father joked.
In the silence that followed, his wife whispered, "Not him.
He's the second son."
-<>-
Halfway through a romantic dinner at a nice, cozy restaurant,
my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under
these lights."
I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta
get some of these lights!"
-<>-
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket
as a present for his girlfriend. "Dot you want her name
engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the
pragmatist, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way,
if we break up and she throws it back in my face, I can
use it again."
-<>-
In the office where I work, there is a constant battle
between our technical-support director and customer-service
personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too
low.
The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his
position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the
temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will
overheat."
Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my
shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they
keep the computers from overheating before there was air
conditioning?"
-<>-
Early man going for a walk with his wife :
__
_/ =\
,' .__)
// / /
/ / \
_/ / .)
___ _ _ _,-(__<7 <
( )__ |_\____________,-._( `o' ,-'_/ /\ \
(____ )__ | \-------#_ ___'__ ` ,-',-'__,' \ |
(______)(_,-------(_'________/ ) / | |_
"" \___)
Stef
As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern
man. His descendants are with us even today, passing for
full-blooded Homo sapiens.
If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry,
score yourself on this test:
1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself
five points.
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not,
take five points.
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then
give yourself five points.
6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do,
add ten points.
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your
heels than sitting in a chair? Take five points.
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not,
add one point for every five degrees of slope.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch
under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add
one point for every inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a
club? You're normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes
big enough to hold an apple? Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen
points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when
you're not? Give yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters
and an overcoat? Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? Three
points.
Scroll down for your score....
.
.
.
.
.
Scoring:
0-20 points:
You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build
bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points:
A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one
will notice.
40-60 points:
You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners
give you away.
60-80 points:
Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider
a career in pro football.
80-100 points:
Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
place for you in human society. Try running for public office
instead.
=========================================================
>-->From AndyChaps:
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>,-' ._'.. ..__ . ' '-.
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jgs \; \ ;/
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/` .'-'. `\
;_.-`.___.'-.;
>Things I've Learned
** I've learned: that life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
** I've learned: that the best classroom in the world is at
the feet of an elderly person.
** I've learned:..that when you're in love, it shows.
** I've learned... that just one person saying to me, "You've
made my day!" makes my day.
** I've learned...that having a child fall asleep in your arms
is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
** I've learned..that being kind is more important than being right.
** I've learned...that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
** I've learned...that I can always pray for someone when I
don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
** I've learned... that no matter how serious your life requires
you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
** I've learned...that sometimes all a person needs is a hand
to hold and a heart to understand.
** I've learned...that simple walks with my father around the
block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for
me as an adult.
** I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.
** I've learned... that money doesn't buy class.
** I've learned... that it's those small daily happenings that
make life so spectacular.
** I've learned... that under everyone's hard shell is someone
who wants to be appreciated and loved.
** I've learned... that even the Lord didn't do it all in one
day. What makes me think I can?
** I've learned... that to ignore the facts does not change the
facts.
** I've learned... that love, not time, heals all wounds.
** I've learned... that the easiest way for me to grow as a
person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
** I've learned...that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted
with a smile.
** I've learned...that opportunities are never lost; someone
will take the ones you miss.
** I've learned... that when you harbor bitterness, happiness
will dock elsewhere.
** I've learned... that I wish I could have told my Dad that
I love him one more time before he passed away.
** I've learned... that one should keep his words both soft
and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
** I've learned... that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve
your looks.
** I've learned...that I can't choose how I feel, but I can
choose what I do about it.
** I've learned..that when your newly born child holds
your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
** I've learned... that everyone wants to live on top of the
mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while
you're climbing it.
** I've learned...that the less time I have to work with,
the more things I get done.
-<>-
.--.
, , ) .-----._ ___
< /) | | ||==||
_(())\) | | /|==|| __
.-' (()/ '-. :_____:/ |"_|/) /|
_/ () \ / .-------. __.' / |
oo)__/ () \ | / '=======' () / |
:~ \_ ) _/ _/ /__________________/ |
| |- (--|(,/ | [___o___] |
| / ) \ | / [___o___] /
| | ( \ | / [___o___] /
| | ( | / | /
| / . | |/ __ |/
| | : | <`,,'>,--,--..-,
snd | |__/_____\ | / ( ( ) ) \
.,,. oo=' oo=' '-'\ ) ) ) )\
___.---; < (,_)_)(_,)_/
/ \ .-\_/_,__ ||| |||
_ _\_\_ \\ __\-' ~~ ~~
( ) ( ) _/ '-'
/_/-/_/-'
>Rules For The Workplace:
...for getting alone in the work place without anyone knowing
you are just goofing off:
1. Always carry a clipboard and/or several books or files under
your arm when going from the office to the breakroom, restroom,
or vice versa. When colleagues presume you are carrying what
appears to be work, no one assumes you are doing anything but
work.
2. Always look bored, sigh and stare off into space while
walking. Sighing and shaking your head while starring off into
space gives the impression you are burdened down with work and
on the brink of a discovery.
3. Occasionally bump into people as if your are preoccupied with
thought. When you do, just kind of half heartedly say, "Excuse
me, please." and move alone without ever giving eye contact.
4. Never, ever give anyone the two famous rules for being
successful at work which are:
(1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
(2)
5. Those who follow these rules will not only get more goof
off time than most, but you will probably make Employee of
the Year and get your own parking space.
6. As in cooking, the number one rule in the world of business
is presentation, presentation, presentation. Give people the
illusion of being a preoccupied professional even when you are
on your way to the restroom.
-<>-
>Lawrence Brotherton Asks...
** If everything was perfect, would everything be perfect? I think
not, because most are not happy unless they have something to
complain about. Therefore if someone likes to be unhappy and I
mistreat him, have I make him happy?
** And...Before marriage, a man yearns for the women he loves.
After marriage DOES the "Y" becomes silent? I think so!
-<>-
>Reflections on aging...
**Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
**Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
**Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
**You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
**You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
**One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can
make a person gain five pounds.
**Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought
goes away.
**God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
**I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
**Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
**Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
**Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while,
and it shrinks two sizes.
**Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but
they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
-<>-
>Wondering
**The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the
day so long.
**Since we know that 75% of body heat escapes through the head,
One would think you could ski naked if you had a good hat.
**One fellow really never met anybody he didn't like.
He still keeps in touch with his Army drill sergeant.
**The waterbed is nothing new, I slept on one when I was a kid,
but we always kept it a secret from the neighbors.
**It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research shows that
in over half the shootings that occur on the street, the gunman
is aiming at the loud obnoxious music source.
-<>-
_
/ }
/'.\
_/ ) (`-
( ,)
|/
/|
' ` Elb
>Great Reasons For Being A Blonde
**Free dinners.
**You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.
**Speeding ticket? What's that?
**If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth
as a human being.
**A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
**If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
**If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
**If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big
loser.
**You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group
shower.
**You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
**When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
**If the person you're dating is much better at something than you
are, you don't have to break up with him.
**If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't
have to break up with him
**If you don't shave, no one will know.
**If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
**You can dress yourself.
**Your hair is yours to keep.
**If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and
you're really chic.
**You don't have to pretend to like cigars.
**You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
**If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an
idiot.
**You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
**If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.
**Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
**Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach
in your teeth.
**When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.
**Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
**If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.
**You'll never regret piercing your ears.
**You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.
**You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
**If you have big ears, no one has to know.
**You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.
-<>-
>You Know You're From Wisconsin When:
**You can name everyone you graduated with.
**You know what all each H in 4-H stands for.
**You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle
of a dirt road.
**You used to drag "main."
**You schedule parties around the schedule of different police
officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which
ones wouldn't- same goes with the game warden.
**You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
**School gets cancelled for state events.
**It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
**You had senior skip day.
**The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
**You don't give directions by street names or directions by
references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's,
and it's four houses left of the track field).
**The golf course had only 9 holes.
**You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
**Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never
own a dark vehicle for this reason.
**You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
**The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty",
but is actually just like your town.
**Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
**You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the
"rich people."
**The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend
two years later.
**You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck
for your birthday.
**Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the
feed store.
**You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
**Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to
get stronger.
**Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
**The city council meets at the coffee shop.
**Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
**You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.
**Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
**Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
**You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over
and ask if you need a ride.
**Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names.
**Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
**You can charge at all the local stores.
**The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.
**So is the closest mall.
**It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a
riding lawn mower.
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Snow Fun 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snowfun3.html
Snow Fun 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snowfun2.html
Frost Flowers!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/frostflowers.html
Spring's Coming!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/spring.html
Winter Wildlife 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/winter2.html
Quilts In The Snow!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snowquilts.html
Kinkade - Painter Of Light!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kinkade.html
Rarely Seen Africa!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/africa.html
Great Horned Owls!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/owl.html
Cano Cristales River!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cristales.html
Birth Of An Elk Calf!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elk.html
Beautiful Aerial England!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/england.html
Cell Phone Madness!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cellphone.html
World's Unusual Tunnels!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tunnels.html
Longleat's Monkey Shines!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/monkeyshines.html
Underwater River In Mexico!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/underriver.html
-<>-
>Visit/Follow Me On StumbleUpon:
http://tinyurl.com/zukcheu
-<>-
>Please Visit This Link to Get New Traffic For Shangrala :)
Fun Pages
http://www.funpageexchange.com/go.php?uid=3559
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseA :)
Former professional football player Art Donovan shares with Johnny
Carson what playing old school football was like. Art played as a
defensive tackle for 12 years in the pros during the 1950's and 60's
and was inducted into the Football Hall of Fame in 1968. Most of this
time was with the Baltimore Colts, yes younger folks they were there
first before Indianapolis. He shares what football was like back in the
good old days.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HDRLnoAY9E&feature=player_embedded
Jonathan Winters and Dean Martin entertain us in this funny skit from
1970. Dean plays a sports reporter who looks a lot like Howard Cosell
and Jonathan plays a football coach from Alabama.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=a6piZ9-AUHI
Jonathan Winters and Dean Martin are flying First Class in this funny
skit with Dean as the Straight Man and Jonathan as the loud and
talkative passenger he has to sit next to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hcgXXJk_nw&feature=player_embedded
---
...LOL! Good ones! Thanks LouiseA!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"In New Hampshire, legislators are trying to pass a law that
would make public breastfeeding a crime. However, the bill
is being opposed by a strong coalition called 'Creepy Dudes
United.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Engineers at Boston Dynamics have unveiled a humanoid robot
that can withstand getting pushed in the chest with a hockey
stick without falling over. Which is definitely the most
Boston way to test a robot." -Seth Meyers
"You know how in high school sometimes the students will vote
for the weirdest kid in class to be prom king as a joke, and
then so many people get in on the joke, the kid actually
becomes prom king? Well, anyway, Donald Trump won Super
Tuesday." -Jimmy Kimmel
"A company in Boston built a 5 foot 9 robot that can open
doors, and can actually get back up if it's punched. They
didn't MEAN to test whether it can get up after being
punched, but well, it's Boston." Jimmy Fallon
"Washington, D.C., 7-Eleven stores have begun selling Dorito-
coated cheese sticks. Because when 7-Eleven drops food on the
floor, they don't give up." -Seth Meyers
"The price of roses always goes way up around Valentine's
Day. Valentine's Day is the only holiday where a plant
suddenly becomes astronomically expensive and we're OK with
it. It would be like if on Easter they charged $20 an egg."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"It was a big day for Donald Trump yesterday, the Nevada
caucuses took place. Voting in the state of Nevada is a
little different. In Nevada you pull the lever first and
then you find out who you voted for. It is more exciting."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"The University of Texas has decided to allow students to
carry guns in the classroom. The school says it's a
guaranteed way to prevent the possibility of a pop quiz."
-Seth Meyers
"Whole Foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo
parlors in their grocery stores. Even so, the people walking
out of Whole Foods with the biggest sense of regret will
still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple." -Jimmy Fallon
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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