Needing A Day Off And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) UPDATE: I am still in Google violation. I removed all ads from the offending page. I still have no clue what they take objection to without being able to talk with a representative or get through to a human. I am hoping the removal of ads will be to their liking. If not, I don't know what else to do but start looking for an alternative ad source of revenue for the web site. This has me way stressed out. Please Pray that this is resolved quickly. Huggums and Thank you! :) Shangy -<>- >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) ___ ,-'" "`-. ,'_ `. / / \ ,- \ __ | \_0 --- | / | | | \ \ `--.______,-/ | ___) \ ,--"" ,/ | / _ \ \-_____,- / \__-/ \ | `. ,' \___/ < ´--------' \__/\ | Wny \__// Here is the reworked Bob Hope's Home Page. You may have to refresh your browser to see the changes. http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bobhopehome.html ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: .-"""""-. Any Position... / _____/\_\ //`__ __ \\ Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job // (o) (o) \\ as a consultant." (_ (___) _) \ \_____/ / Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have `-._ _.-' enough consultants." __.-)_(-,__ ./'/ |_| \`\. Applicant: "That's ok, with my jgs / `""""""""""` \ experience, I can be an advisor." Employer: "More than we can use already." Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor." Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for person with your qualifications." Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "To work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!" Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening." ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ October 14 is Be Bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day October 15 is White Cane Safety Day and National Grouch Day October 16 is Dictionary Day and International Newspaper Carrier Day October 17 is Wear Something Gaudy Day and National Cake Decorating Day October 18 is No Beard Day and National Chocolate Cupcake Day October 19 is Evaluate Your Life Day and Hagfish Day October 20 is National Brandied Fruit Day and Get Smart About Credit Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: , `.-- .,-"" . ._,' . _,. `. , / .'.oo`.. `. `- .__.-' :: .; "-()-"`. \.-. / doida ; /'". ,"`'. "-- "-" .': : `----' "-" ' >Condo Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he'd planned to stay, but I got a pretty good idea when I walked into his room recently. In the corner was a milk jug with a few coins in it and a label that read "Condo down payment." -<>- >Dinosaur I decided to put together one of my six-year-old son's model kits one rainy afternoon. I found one of a dinosaur and was looking over the pieces when he passed by. "What'cha doing, Dad?" he asked. I told him I was going to put the dinosaur together, but the instructions were missing. "Well, Dad," he grinned, "I guess you'll just have to do it from memory." -<>- >Obedience Class Bert's wife enrolled Molly, her lovable cocker spaniel, in a ten-week obedience class. At the end of the term Molly had made little progress. She re-enrolled her, but at the end of the second course Molly was still noticeably behind her canine classmates. The instructor, perhaps determined to succeed with that dog, offered to let her repeat the course for the third time at no charge. That evening Bert heard his wife on the phone with her mother. "Guess what?" she said. "Molly was the only dog in her class to get a free scholarship!" -<>- >Rubber Balls A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given any tools they want, and have all the time they need. The mathematician uses a measuring tape to record the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume. The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.000000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball and measures the displacement to six significant figures. The engineer writes down the serial number of the ball and looks it up online. -<>- >Safety First! Dad's a safety-first kind of guy. But while vacationing with some buddies, he was talked into going parasailing. He was on the back of the boat getting hooked into the parachute when he nervously asked the pilot, "How often do you replace the rope?" The pilot replied. "Every time it breaks." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) ________________________ |.----------------------.| || || || || || .-"````"-. || || / _.._ `\ || || / /` `-. ; . .|| || | |__ __ \ | || ||.-.| | e`/e` | | || || | | | | |'--|| || | | '- | | || || | \ --' /| | || || | `;---'\| | || || | | | | || || | .-' | | || ||'--|/` | |--.|| || ; . ; _.\ || || `-.;_ /.-' || || ```` || ||jgs___________________|| '------------------------' >Smiles A girl, who was not quite four years old, was alone in the house when the phone rang. She answered it and was told that Mr. Brown was calling. "I'm sorry, no one is here. Can I take a message?" she said. Mr. Brown replied, "Certainly." After a pause, Mr. Brown heard, "O.K., I'm ready. Who did you say this is?" "Mr. Brown." "How do you spell Brown?" "B-r-o-w-n." A long pause, and then, "How do you make a B?" -------- Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book." --------- A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!" --------- Attorney: Can you describe the individual? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard Attorney: Was this a male or a female? Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. -------- "This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!" -------- There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he ... made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide. " So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two" ------------ Q. How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? A. Five -- one to hold the udder, and four to lift and hold the cow up. ------------ An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open." --------- What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car! ---------- The blonde was so modest she went into the closet to change her mind. ---------- The Washington Redskins are changing their name because of all the hatred, violence, and hostility associated with that word. From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins. -------- There's a lady I've known forever. She's very sick. On top of that, she's being abused by those to whom she has given everything..... Lies about her abound, and seem to come from all sides. Just breaks my heart. Seems there's nothing I can do alone but maybe, if we join in and lift her up together, we can heal her. She's well over 230 years old, but way too young to die. Her name is 'The United States of America '... And I love her and have always been proud of her. Take time to say a prayer for her - even if it is a short, simple prayer like, Lord, please heal our land. Amen. --- ...Amen! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- __________________ / _@___@___@___@_ \ |@/ \@| | | | | |@| ,;;;-, |@| | | /;/))))) | | |@| (;/ . .(( |@| .-;;;-. | | ):( > )) | | (((;(::(\ |@| (;)\ = /( |@| ).`\):):) | | )):) .'):) | | < (:(:( |@| .:(:\_(_)( |@| = `\:):\ | | /`::) `\ | | '--')(:(:) |@\_/___________\_/@| )(::)"( jgs \___@___@___@___@___/ .' (::)) / / ;;-` \/ / | >Good Advice An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.' 1. Pray 2. Go to bed on time. 3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed. 4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health. 5. Delegate tasks to capable others. 6. Simplify and unclutter your life. 7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.) 8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places. 9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together. 10. Take one day at a time. 11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it. 12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases. 13.. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc. 14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble. 15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday. 16. Carry a spiritually enlightening book with you to read while waiting in line. 17. Get enough rest. 18. Eat right. 19. Get organized so everything has its place. 20.. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.. 21. Write down thoughts and inspirations. 22. Every day, find time to be alone. 23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don 't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray. 24. Make friends with Godly people. 25.. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand. 26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you GOD ..' 27. Laugh. 28. Laugh some more! 29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all. 30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can). 31.. Be kind to unkind people ( they probably need it the most). 32. Sit on your ego. 33. Talk less; listen more. 34. Slow down. 35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe. 36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' (Romans 8:31) My instructions were to send this to four people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you. I decided to send it to more than four, because I didn't want to limit blessings. SEND IT FORWARD PLEASE, IN GOD WE TRUST! LIVE WITH FAITH! LAUGH WITH FRIENDS! LOVE WITH FAMILY! Souls Saved.... Lives Changed --- ...Great Advice! I need positive thoughts now - Thanks LouiseA! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) sSSSSSSs SSS'\\\\SS SSS` - -'SS SS(, a \a S SSSSS -' |S 'SSS\ '= /S/| 'S|`-. __.' / | .-'| `-.__.' .-\ / /-. | | { _/ \_ } | | `| | | | | '. | | .' jgs '-.| |.' `"` >PONDERISMS (some things to think about)... 1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead. 3- Life is sexually transmitted. 4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9- A ll of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm .....How about eggs ? . . . 13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 20- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address? --- ...LOL! Thanks Geniann! ========================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From Our Friend PatDeE :) [Politics] The Quote of the Decade: "The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the US Government cannot pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government's reckless fiscal policies. Increasing America's debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that, 'the buck stops here.' Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better." ~ Senator Barack H. Obama, March 2006 --- ...Yeah. Nice huh? Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >From BizarreNews: In a case that would not have been a mystery to anyone who has seen the movie "Old School" a man in Texas apparently wanted to party with his friends so bad he staged his own kidnapping so his wife wouldn't give him a hard time about leaving the house. According to police, Rogelio Andaverde, 34, of Edinburg, in the Texas-Mexico border region, was with his wife at home when two masked men barged into their house carrying guns. They forced him from his home and his hysterical wife called police in a panic. Dozens of law enforcement officers fanned out to search for Andaverde. A police helicopter was even sent out to look for him. But the investigation was going nowhere, and police officers started to become suspicious. Andaverde thought he had outsmarted everyone, police said. He casually returned home and said the kidnappers showed mercy and had set him free. But he later confessed to investigators, police said, that it was all a ruse so he could go out for a night on the town with his drinking buddies. Andaverde was charged with making a false report to police. He was released on $5,000 bail. *-- Woman pleads guilty to spaghetti sauce bank robbery --* CLINTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A Michigan woman who passed off two cans of spaghetti sauce as an explosive device during a bank robbery pleaded guilty to the crime. Ophelia Neal, 53, pleaded guilty in Oakland County Circuit Court to bank robbery and explosive charges following the April 6 crime in Macomb County, The Detroit News reported Tuesday. Neal pleaded guilty in Oakland County because she had been wanted there for violating her parole. Police said Neal went into the Fifth Third Bank in Clinton Township April 6 and told a clerk she was carrying a bomb in her cloth bag. Neal fled with an undisclosed amount of cash in a car driven by a man. She was later arrested and police discovered her cloth bag contained two cans of spaghetti sauce. Neal, who has previous convictions for fraud, marijuana possession and assault, is scheduled to be sentenced Nov. 9 before Macomb County Circuit Court Judge Jennifer Faunce. *-- Yale Police seek laundry 'poopetrator' --* NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Yale University police are investigating a series of laundry-tampering incidents carried out by a suspect dubbed "the poopetrator" at the Connecticut school. Students using the school's Saybrook College laundry room reported their clothes were soiled with urine, food waste and feces in a series of September incidents and Saybrook Master Paul Hudak said Yale Police have opened an official investigation, the Yale Daily News reported Monday. "We have asked our students not to leave their laundry unattended, the affected machines have been thoroughly disinfected, and we are actively seeking information about who the perpetrator might be," Hudak said. "That's about all we can do." The culprit or culprits were dubbed "the poopetrator" by students after Lucy Fleming's clothes were soiled by what appeared to be human excrement while in the laundry room's dryer Sept. 7. Incidents involving urine and food waste were reported the previous day. A further incident was reported Sept. 26. "The fact that this could happen at Yale is shocking to me," Fleming said. "Think about what this means for our community." *-- Weatherman eats cat vomit during live news broadcast --* HARTFORD, Conn. - A Connecticut weatherman has attained international fame by mistaking cat vomit for Grape Nuts and eating it during a live news broadcast. Scot Haney, the weatherman for WFSB-TV, Hartford, picked up what he and his fellow anchors believed to be Grape Nuts on the floor of the studio during the morning news Wednesday and attempted to eat them, Syracuse.com reported Thursday. "They're a little soggy. They taste like shoes," Haney said during the broadcast. "I think that might be dog doody." Haney eventually realized the substance was actually cat vomit. "Ladies and gentlemen, those were not Grape Nuts that I ate. I kept finding more and more of it on the floor, and I thought it was Grape Nuts because it looked just like it," Haney said. "My cat threw up, and I must have stepped in it and that's what I ate. I ate cat vomit, right here on television. It's disgusting... I'm going to throw up!" The clip has gone viral, being picked up by websites including Buzzfeed and Britain's Daily Mail. *-- Principal cancels school due to 'beautiful' day --* COLUMBUS, Ga. - A Georgia principal said he is crossing off an item on his preretirement to-do list by canceling classes due to beautiful weather. Len McWilliams, headmaster of the Calvary Christian School in Columbus, said he wanted to find a positive reason to cancel school before he retires at the end of the year, so he decided to call off classes Friday for pleasant weather, The Ledger-Enquirer (Columbus) reported Friday. "In the late 1980s, I was calling school off one winter day because of the terrible weather," McWilliams said. "The thought occurred to me that it would be great to call school off some day because it was too beautiful a day to go to school." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Richard :) _..._ ,;;;;;;;;;, / _,' _ \ | \ - - / | \_> - <_/ ,__.-"""-.-`. .'-.-"""-.__, '-. /_.'-.-'._\ .-' \_ / .-.-. \ _/ './ \/|/ \|\/ \-' | | | | \__.' '.__/ | | | | | | | | | | jgs \__,_,__/ >Warm Milk In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow." ------------ Ole, the smoothest-talking Swede in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty. Ole’s first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch. Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' yoo goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo takes out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000 ! "Now," Ole concluded, "vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?" --- ...HaHa! Thanks Richard! -<>- ______ '-._ ```"""---.._ ,-----.:___ `\ ,;;;, '-.._ ```"""--.._ |,%%%%%% _ , '. `\;;;; -\ _ _.'/\ .' `-.__ \ ,;;;;" .__{=====/_)==:_ || ,===/ ```";,,,,,,,;;;;;'`-./.____,'/ / '.\/ '---/ ';;;;;;;;' `--.._.' / ,===/ '-. `\/ '---/ ,'`. | ; __.-' \ ,' jgs \______,,.....------'''`` `---` >Layman's 10 Commandments. Someone has written these beautiful words. They are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time. 1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout. 2] Why is a car's winshield so large & the rear view mirror so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on. 3] Friendship is like a book. It takes years to write, but only a few seconds to burn. 4] All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either. 5] Old friends are gold! New friends are diamond! If you get a diamond, don't forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold! 6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, it's just a bend, not the end! 7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities. 8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!" 9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you. 10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace. --- ...So True! Thanks Richard! ========================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: ____ _ .-;\)___\ |_| \_/ ,---\ | | / _/ e e \_/ _%&&%%&_ |(` >| ___T__\______/__ \| =/ '====\\\ ^/====='_/ ,--' `\ \ .'`._ ( \ \ / ``\ \ \/ / ) ) \`'._/ -'.-'\ \__/ / \-'\______ /._'-./ \ ___`'-. /` | '-.\ '--`` /-\\\ /` / | ( ) | / / | \ (-------------- / '-._ | /'-.'# # # # `._ `'-._/ /#__#__#__#__#__ ;";-..__ | | # # # # # ; | |``-' |# # # # # / ;\ | |__#__#__#__#__#__ .' / / / || || jgs /' .' | | || || / .' | | || || ,| / \ | || || \\\/( (`-/\__ || \__`\ [_--.__\ || A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt." -<>- When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied." -<>- There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?" "Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?" "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?" "Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer. Finally, another man came in and asked the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want." -<>- The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more. -<>- Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?" Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?" -<>- A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text; "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." He replied, "I am in the bathroom. Please advise." ========================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: ___ .' '. / / \ |___/'._| || . . || ( ) ) |\ = /| ) '._.' ( ;--' _ '--; / (_) \ | < | > | \ '._|_.' / jgs_'.__/___\__.'_ | | | | | | | | Andy Says... Just Think About This! ** ** "The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong." -- Andy Rooney =============== ** A shop owner put this sign in his window, "Lovely glass paper- weights. The best way to keep your household bills down." =============== ** Character is like a tree and reputation a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. - Abraham Lincoln =============== ** The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. - Hosea Ballou =============== ** He who angers you, controls you! =============== ** Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. =============== ** Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does! =============== ** Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own Robert A. Heinlein (my all time favorite author!) =============== ** Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha -<>- >Busted ** CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a stange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at Ohare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possesion two, six inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan. -<>- ,{{}}}}}}. {{{{{}}}}}}}. {{{{ {{{{{}}}} }}}}} _ _ {{{{{ }}}} m m }}}}} {{{{C ^ {{{{{ }}}}}}\ '=' /}}}}}} {{{{{{{{;.___.;{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}) (}}}}}}}}}} {{{{}}}}}': :{{{{{{{{{{ {{{}}}}}} `@` {{{}}}}}}} {{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}} }}}}}}}} {{{{{{{{{ jgs {{{{{{{{ }}}}}} }}}}} {{{{ {{{ }} >Overdue ** A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I`m a month overdue. I think we`re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we should keep it to ourselves until we find out for sure, we can`t tell anybody!" The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven`t paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You`re a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma`am, it`s in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It`s in your files?????" "Absolutely!" "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What`s going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it`s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us..." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we`d have no option but to cut you off..." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don`t know. I guess she`d have to use a candle..." ;-) -<>- >Frozen Food ** A Blonde went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbeques - the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid. The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside! The assistant patiently told her that these were just barbeque trays and that the food was not supplied with them. "Oh dear" said the Blond, "I'd better take the other one out of the freezer then"! -<>- ,.s,os,osos,, ((S;%(S;S)S)S)SS;, ,(;s&;SS((&%(S(;(S;)%S;, ,;(S(&((S;%S(S((;)S)S&%)));, ,))JGS%S)SSS)S(S&(;S(%))S(&(; ((&s(;((;(S(%S(;)S%S)S))S;&))S); ;)s)%)`';& 'S`. S `((%(S;&, )(&(S( .' ' .' ) )')S)), S,})&;) ' ' ' (%(&;(S% ,((%(( ___ _... )S%_))) S;));)'`___`'-. .-' __,`((/,(;(S ;((;(S(/`(_)`'-. : : .-'`(_)`\ );)|%) (S(;&( `----'` . ' `''--'` (Ss'|)) `))%))::. . ' .::)%/;(S ((S((;'::. ' . .::'('s))&) ( );;S)' . . ' `);(;S )(`%( '- -` (' )' ( ( )\ __ __ ,;) ' ) \ .;-=`:`=-;. / ( \ \`-..-'`/ / '._ `'---'` _.' '-._ _.-' `'-'` >Be On The Lookout ** A traveling gypsy carnival had put down stakes for a couple days outside a small town. One of the attractions was a dwarf fortune-teller. Several of the townspeople visited the sideshow and, along with having their "futures revealed," found that their pockets had been picked as well. Unfortunately, by the time the trail lead back to the fortune-teller, he and the rest of the carnival had vanished. A police report was quickly prepared, and the following APB went out to all the patrol cars: "All cars, we've received calls regarding robberies perpetrated by a dwarf gypsy fortune-teller. Be on the lookout for a small medium at large!" -<>- >Telling Time ** One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard." Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?" "That's easy," she replied. "I just buy something else and then look at the time printed on the sales receipt." -<>- >Who Am I ** _._ .' '. | / //\\\ \ | ( ( -\- ) ) | '-\_=_/-' // .-'\ /'-. (|/ / '-' \ / / | \__ __/_/\/ /| | |\ / \ / \ \ \ '-' `\/\ ; |/|\ | | | | | | | |_______| | | | \ | / jgs /=|=\ (_/T\_) * I am no one special. * I'm the little boy that gives up his favorite teddy bear so that a stranger may be comforted. * I'm the single mother who has been trying to teach her child to sleep in their own bed, who holds them tight long into the night, thanking God it wasn't her child that died. * I'm the old man, angry and resentful that his military doesn't want him because of his age. * I'm the teenaged girl that spends hours cutting ribbons for others to wear as a symbol of remembrance. * I'm the young man who doesn't understand why his father was running up the stairs as the building fell, trying to save just one more person, instead of saving himself. * I'm the old woman who will never see her grandchildren again. * I'm the little girl, playing with her doll, who can't understand when someone screams hateful things at her because of where her family is from. * I'm the police officer, trying to keep these idiotic reporters safe, when his wife is still among the missing or dead. * I'm the fire fighter that called in sick that day, only to discover that someone else died in his place. * I'm the man who survived the falling building only to learn that his sister and baby niece were in the plane. * I'm the secretary, angered by the seemingly callous response of those around her. * I'm a spelunker, who is climbing down into the remains of a building, hoping to find someone still alive. * I'm the dog handler, searching for bodies, that has to comfort my animal when only death remains. * I'm the woman who stands in line for five hours in order to give blood, hoping to help strangers in need. * I'm the man who gets up and goes to work every day, in spite of the tragedy, because he still has a family to feed and bills to pay. * I'm the first passenger to get back on a plane, even though I'm terrified, because I know somebody has to be first. ** Who am I? I'm nobody special. I'm just an American. ** -<>- _ /_`\ )"/ ) (`(,( ./_.') _.`-;-'\ .'/ /___/ .' / / // __/_.' |(\`\ --jgs''-- /'_.]--''- _\| `-| ---''''---....--' `"""' `"" ` >Needing A Day Off ** Johnson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff around." "We're short-handed, Johnson," snapped his boss. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks boss," says Johnson, "I knew I could count on you!" -<>- ** Top 10 Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble ** 10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!" 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese." 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards! -<>- >Can't Wear It ** Soon after marriage, John stopped wearing his wedding ring. Vickie asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." Vickie answered back, "It's supposed to!" ============================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) No Words Necessary! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nowords2.html In The Wild With Brendon Cremer http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/inthewild.html Friends: Lion, Tiger And Bear! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/liontigerbear.html Book Sculpture Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bookart.html All Occasion Cars! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/allcar.html Dog Eat Dog World! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogeatdog.html Harvest Moonbow! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moonbow.html Humorous Signs http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hsigns.html -<>- >From Our Friend Linda :) Why People go to Florida http://www.youtube.com/embed/xKy2lLNQYrI?rel=0 --- ...TeeHee! Thanks Linda! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) This is supposed to be the ONLY time Carson sang in public! This show is at Kiel Opera House in St Louis in June, 1965 when Johnny Carson hosted the Tonight Show. The Rat Pack were playing Vegas, but visited Carson for this wonderfully entertaining performance. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Johnny Carson, and to top it off Quincy Jones was conducting the Count Basie band, and he is visible in the background. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9U_iDR7ORU This is going to hurt...watch to the end. http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=24113d89dfd8 When you mix kids and water you're bound to get some funny results - even at a baptism! This compilation of the funniest baptisms caught on camera will leave you gasping! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmzTSDbm5hk --- ...Wowsers! LOL! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- >From our friend Richard :) A video done by Alberta, Canada. The quality of the video is stunning. This is fast paced but the high definition scenery is awesome in what is as Close to 3D as you can get without wearing special glasses. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=ThFCg0tBDck --- ...Sweet! Thanks Richard! ========================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "The women's school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball." -Jimmy Kimmel "Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's Congress." -Jay Leno "Last week, a hunter in Kansas shot his friend twice because he mistakenly thought he was a turkey. After the first shot, the guy said he wasn't a turkey. But, come on, that's exactly what a turkey would have said." -Jimmy Fallon "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." -Sam Levenson "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later." -Mitch Hedberg "You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell." A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend. "This is the kind of thing that would bum out any young guy. I just found out my father lost his hair--in a slap fight." --Vernon Chatman "According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American men actually need one." --Jay Leno "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it, and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." ~~ Mark Twain People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~~ George Bernard Shaw >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************