No Cussing Zone And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! ================ "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ === (`\,;+++;,/`) (- (((^.^))) -) (- ))\-/(( -) (- (() ()) -) \ `/`@`\` / \ / \ / \/ \/ / \ /_/_/_|_\_\_\ ldb *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels For 2011 *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2011 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY! ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) Our friend PatDeE sent us a link to a video that I was sure I had up on one of our patriotic pages. But I could not find it which led me to update two pages to have the video on them. Check them out here... DC Tea Party http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/teaparty.html Who Is WE? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoiswe.html --- ...This video brings tears to my eyes! A great addition! Thanks Pat! -<>- >2 Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) These two are sizzling hot! The first one comes from 3 of our friends - PatDeE, Linda and LaRueR. It is more of those wonderful photos taken in a split second that so astound and amaze us! Be sure to check it out here... +---+ |\ \ +-----------------------------+ | +---+ \ +-----------+ | | \ \ | | \ |/ +-----------+ | \ (c_ | \ | | | \ \ | \| | | \ | | | | \ | + | | \ | \| DM| \--------------------+ +---+ \ \ \ \ \ \ +-----------------------------+ Got A Nanosecond 2? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nano2.html --- ...Wow! Mind boggling! Thanks PatDeE, Linda And LaRueR! The second too hot to handle one is from our friends Victor and Jo Ann. This one is an interesting one that should bring some heartwarming memories and smiles your way. Check it out here and be sure to watch the video ;) _____________________ (( _( )_ )) _______ || ( ) ||( )_ Time to cut the mop? || (` _.--. )_( )_ ||( ?(..) ( ) ||(_ \ >/ ( ) || ( )'-( _._.(_ _) || '-'/' `, (_ _) || | /__\_\ ( ) || | \ _/_/ |-'.-''-''-' || | | /| || ,_____| || |/ \| || | / || | | || | (| ((_gnv_______________)| | \ | | | | |______/ Celebrities: The Long And Short Of It! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrities2.html --- ...A delightful one! Thank You Victor and Jo Ann! -<>- *~* We Had A FANTASTIC Month Of Caring And Sharing This Month *~* Be sure to check these out and share them with all your loved ones! Mountain Goats! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/mountaingoats.html Friends! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/friends.html Proud Of Troops 6! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/troops6.html Celebrities Then And Now! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/celebrities.html City Silhouettes! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/citys.html Advice For Living! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/advice.html Friends And Health! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/friendhealth.html Designer Toilet Paper! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/designertp.html Doug Landis Mouth Art! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/mouthart.html Windows Though Time! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/windowstime.html *~* Big THANK YOU And Huggums In Christ To All Our Great Contributors! ============================================================ >-->From The FunnyBone: A Congressmen's Lunch .;;;;;. .3333o ;;;` e\ /a Y33 ;;( > < )33 /\\ _< o@*O@o >_ .-/ /\ ||/'--( *O\@/o )--'\|| || \ \ _ > < _ / / || || \ \| |~| / \ |~| |/ / || || \ '-'__...._|_|__\___/__|_|_...__'-' / || || '--/` `\--' || ||.--'` | | `'--.|| || | | || ||'===== '--...._________________.....--' ====='|| ||.-"""""-.||| | | |||.-"""""-.|| || || || | | ||| || || ||-'|| ||__|__ __|__||| ||'-|| || jgs ||_.___) (___._||| || A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Top 10 ways to torment a telemarketer 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." 9. If they say they're John doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends.....would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel! " Say goodbye and hang up. 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY because you want to write EVERY WORD down. =============================================================== *-------------- Bizarre October Holidays --------------* October 1 is World Vegetarian Day and Magic Circles Day October 2 is Name Your Car Day October 3 is Virus Appreciation Day October 4 is National Golf Day October 5 is National Storytelling Festival October 6 is German-American Day & Come & Take It Day October 7 is National Frappe Day October 8 is American Tag Day October 9 is Moldy Cheese Day October 10 is National Angel Food Cake Day ================================================================ >-->From TheMasti: >Keep drinking... ___ ___ _____/___\_____ __|___|__ """"("-_-")"""" ( o_o ) ~ /\_)=o~/ _\~-~/_ _ _~ / /\\\///\ ~ / \/|\/ \/\(|_| \__|\\//\ \ ~ / |. .|\_/ __________|//\\/_/___~______\_\_____|_____ _______ |_|) _______ \_____/ \_____/ jro A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good." -<>- ()_()()_() / ..)(.. \ __/ ( || ) \_ (_/ * * (_) | | | || | | | \_/| \__/ | | > \ / <__,--,__|/|_> unknown >ADVICE: There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me... And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .. LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.... LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ... LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for you !!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left . think about it, and then LET IT GO!!! "The Battle is the Lord's!" -<>- ()_()()_() / ..)(.. \ __/ ( || ) \_ (_/ * * (_) | | | || | | | \_/| \__/ | | > \ / <__,--,__|/|_> unknown >Be thankful Be thankful for what you have.. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear. The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it! Enjoy your day with a heart of gratitude . Be thankful for what you have.. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear. The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it! Enjoy your day with a heart of gratitude. -<>- ___ {-) |\ [m,].-"-. / [][__][__] \(/\__/\)/ [__][__][__][__]~~~~ | | [][__][__][__][__][] / | [__][__][__][__][__]| /| | [][__][__][__][__][]| || | ~~~~ ejm [__][__][__][__][__]__,__, \__/ >Three People Three people were laying bricks. A passerby asked them what they were doing. The first one replied, "Don't you see I am making a living?" The second one said, "Don't you see I am laying bricks?" The third one said, "I am building a beautiful monument." Here were three people doing the same thing who had totally different perspectives on what they were doing. They had three very different attitudes about their work. And would their attitude affect their performance? The answer is clearly yes. REFLECTION Excellence comes when the performer takes pride in doing his/her best. Every job is a self-portrait of the person who does it, regardless of what the job is, whether washing cars, sweeping the floor or painting a house. Michelangelo had been working on a statue for many days. He was taking a long time to retouch every small detail. A bystander thought these improvements were insignificant and asked Michelangelo why he bothered with them. Michelangelo replied, "Trifles make perfection and perfection is no trifle." Most people forget how fast you did a job, but they remember how well it was done. Pride of performance does not represent ego. It represents pleasure with humility. "The quality of the work and the quality of the worker are inseparable." Half-hearted effort does not produce half results; it produces no results! ================================================================= >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) >fma sends with the weekly heads up that these are politically insensitive and incorrect, any questions? [Some Et-Ahems Here] ___ . _~"| ~~ ~.\.~ / : / / \_ ?"" ; ` ,' ) /-, / . . . | / ~-_ / dp . . | .%"": .? |: . . . | % '. . \|:. . .. . . / / '. '.: : :| : .. . . _/ / ~~~::. .:: ::. . .::.:. ..'~ \::... `'.. : : : " . :. . ~~| _____ (:::. .. '.: .:.::. : . : "/__-"" -- )"".> --~~~__. ::::*## :.:.:) : .:` ~\ |..::' >> ####### '.: .' . .` ? \_.___ :''> ######### ::.". ~ ..~'" |, _">~____~~::. #* )#### : ..~ . ) /:.:'';.:::_- _-#####*:;: ::>,, } o__o___q~_-" _-"###### .:.'' ..~~ ~ | ( o() &@&__--" *::####::" ";.. ~~...::.) (o& O& O?S).` .:':::*: : ~~~... "/ oS %@&>/ .:' ::::: :. .~ "'. { \~*~~"" __:/ "::::..L ~ ''/ |::' /##) :':::::\ . % \:; . |#/ : :::::::-___ -" \::::: | : :::::::::::\----" \::::::|:. : :::::::::::| \::::::|' . : ::::::::::::| -::::/ \ :.'::::::::::::/ ~__/ \. ;:.::::::::::_/ Eric Berger \::.::::::::::::/ --_;::::::_-~/ """""" THE PLAN ... A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men. B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women. C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies. D. In three generations, there will be no Liberals. Darn It - I love it when a plan comes together. ** Investment tips for 2011: With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations: 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa . 5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants. 8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally... 9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang ** ,'-', :-----: (''' , - , ''') \ ' . , ` / \ ' ^ ? / \ ` - ,' `j_ _,' ,- -`\ \ /f ,- \_\/_/'- , `, , , /\ \ | / \ ', , f : :`, , <...\ , : ,- ' \,,,,\ ; : j ' \ \ :/^^^^' \ \ ; ''': \ -, -`.../ ' - -,`,--` \_._'-- '---: Storm 31 Things you will never hear a Southern Boy say 31. When I retire, I'm movin' north. 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken 26. We don't keep firearms in this house. 25. You can't feed that to the dog. 24.. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 23. Wrestling is fake. 22. We're vegetarians. 21. Do you think my gut is too big? 20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 19. Honey, we don't need another dog. 18. Who gives a darn who won the Civil War? 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 14.. Trim the fat off that steak. 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 12. The tires on that truck are too big. 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE. 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 7. Checkmate 6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 4. I don't have a favorite college team. 3. You Guys. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving! ** 2nd spin... _.._ .gSSS$$$p,ggp. .dSS$$$$$SSS$$SSb. dSS$$$$SSSSSSSS$$SSb dS$$$$SSP^^"""^SSS$$Sb `-:S$$$$S$P "^SS$Sb S$$$$S$$ TS$$$p. :$$$$S$$; TS$$$$$p. $$$SS$$$ SS$$P^" :$SSS$$$;.-=-. :SS$$ /SSSS$$$$ . ,` .-. $S$S$; -':$$$$$$$; "" ', `:$S$$S$-' $$$$$$$$ "' $$S$$S$; :$$S$$$$; :$SS$$S$$ $$$S$$$$$\ ` " $$S$$$S$$. $$$S$$$$N \ ,--, d$S$$$$S$$$$p._. $$SS$$$MMm.j `--' .d$S$$$$S;""^^"" :SS$$$$MMMMMb. .d$$S$$$$SS$ '-'S$$$$MMMMMMMMMmmmMMSSS$$$$SS$; :$mMOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMS$$$S$SS$$'-' __..mmMMMMMMOOMMMMMMMMMMMOSSSS$SS$$; .mMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOMMMMMMOOMMS$SSS$$P .dMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOMMMMMMMSSSP dMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMm. dMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMb :MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM; MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM :MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM; MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM :MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM; MMMMMMMMMMOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOM; :MMMMMMMMMMOMMOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMO; My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother. Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. she actually said, "Dad I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign." ** Barack Obama walks into the bank to cash a check. "Good morning, Ma'am," he greets the cashier, "could you please cash this check for me?" "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?" "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America!" "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc, I must insist on seeing ID." "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." "I am urging you please to cash this check." "Ok, this is what we can do Mr. President: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot, making the tennis ball land in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the president of the United States?" Obama stands there thinking and finally says, "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I'm good at." "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?" --- ..LOL! Excellent! Got him nailed! Thanks PatDeE! ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend Jo Ann :) [Politics] WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? >My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq . This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THEREAFTER IT'LL GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France ... In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York . A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not ticking us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple thousand extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska -which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmityof just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America ... Thank you and good night. ' If you can read this in English, thank a soldier. (Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!) --- ...A most interesting read! Thanks Jo Ann! ============================================================ >-->In The Worldly News: >From GrassFire: The attacks against the Tea Party are unrelenting. The latest comes from actress Eva Longoria who spoke of the new "extremist movement" that is "very dangerous" and is "not the character of America." Who are these "dangerous" "extremists"? The Tea Party, of course. This comes just days after Morgan Freeman blasted the Tea Party as "racist" and the "dark, underside of America." + + Tea Party is the new "dirty word" in politics Stand With The Tea Party Against The Left's Hostile Attacks http://www.grassfire.com/169/petition.asp?Ref_ID=8361&RID=32409272 -<>- >From CCOA: Speaker Boehner Condemns Sentence of Death for Christian Pastor in Iran Christian Coalition of America commends Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, Republican from Ohio, for condemning religious persecution in Iran. Specifically, Speaker Boehner is denouncing Iran for issuing a death sentence against a Christian pastor, Yousef Nadarkhani, just because he is Christian. Speaker Boehner says this about Pastor Nadarkhani's imminent execution: "I urge Iran’s leaders to abandon this dark path, spare Yousef Nadarkhani’s life, and grant him a full and unconditional release." The rest of the press release from the Speaker's office is directly below... http://tinyurl.com/6dxe4q8 Democrats Continue Blasting New Planned Parenthood Probe http://tinyurl.com/3urptnu -<>- >From BizarreNews: *-- Georgia Tech seeks to stop 'T' thefts --* ATLANTA - The Georgia Institute of Technology said it has spent more than $100,000 replacing the letter "T" on various signs after repeated thefts. Undergraduate President Elle Creel said stealing the "T" from Tech Tower is a tradition stretching back to the 1960s, but it has recently spread to taking the "T" from signs all over campus, including stadium signs and library book return boxes, WAGA-TV, Atlanta, reported Wednesday. The student government is encouraging thieves to return the pilfered letters with its "Keep the T in Tech" campaign, which is allowing those who take the letters to return them Wednesday with no questions asked. "They can come by our student government office all day. We are also going to have the Rambling Wreck our mascot. You can come by Skiles Walkway and drop off the T in the wreck. There will be no questions asked. We don't care why you stole the T or when. We just want to know where you got it so we can restore it to its rightful place," Creel said. *-- Woman finds profanity on Starbucks cup --* NEW YORK - A New York woman said she was shocked to find a derogatory name written on the side of the cup she received from her usual Starbucks. Vicki Reveron said she often visits the Starbucks on 8th Avenue at 35th Street because it is near her workplace and she was shocked when an employee labeled her cup with a "b-word" meaning a female dog, WABC-TV, New York, reported Wednesday. "I feel degraded actually. It's a degrading word here," Reveron said. Reveron said there had been a mixup with her order of a caramel frappuccino just prior to the incident. "We made light of the mistake the order taker had made so I mean no harm no foul, but unfortunately he took it another way," Reveron said. Reveron said a manager gave her free vouchers in compensation on the condition she not "associate the cup with the location." However, Reverson said she has instead decided to switch to a different coffee shop. A manager at the location described the incident as a "mistake" and a company spokesman said officials "have apologized numerous times for this unfortunate misunderstanding." *-- Ice cream costume mistaken for KKK robe --* OCALA, Fla. - The owners of a Florida ice cream shop said they want to assure locals their white-hooded ice cream cone mascot is in no way associated with the Ku Klux Klan. Jose Cantres, co-owner of Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches in Ocala, said he and other workers have heard through word of mouth and on Facebook that some passersby believe their costumed mascot, a vanilla ice cream cone, resembles a KKK member in the group's signature robes, the Ocala Star-Banner reported Tuesday. "One (customer) told me, 'I had to think twice before coming in here because I thought it was KKK,'" manager Liza Diaz said. Diaz, who moved to Florida from Puerto Rico, said she had never heard of the KKK until the controversy at the 2-month-old business began. "We're a friendly environment, family-oriented," Diaz said. "We're not (racist). We're very friendly, very religious." *-- La. woman has world's largest afro --* NAPOLEONVILLE, La. - A Louisiana woman who has been growing her hair out for 12 years was awarded the Guinness World Record for the world's largest afro. Aevin Dugas of Napoleonville said she applied for the Guinness certification when a friend saw a picture of her afro picked out to its largest point, with a circumference of 4-foot-4, on Facebook and she soon heard back from the record keeping organization, WGNO-TV, New Orleans, reported Tuesday. "The whole Guinness thing is just a whole bunch of people, different people from all over the world, everywhere. To be included -- that is a big honor," she said. Dugas said she loves her long hair, but it occasionally gets her into trouble. "Sometimes it gets in the way. Once I slammed it in a car door," she said. ================================================================ >-->From CleanLffs: _ ,-(_) )- '() \ / () _.'\() (( (_)` \ \\ | \\ ___]=((--- ( |_/ )_| \ /_| \| / _/)\ ) ___| \| __| /) My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?" "Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men." -<>- In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox." As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?" The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check." -<>- Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football," I plunked myself next to my new husband one Monday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few times, I gave him a "look." Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk--I'll just turn up the volume." -<>- |><|~|><| /(((9)))\ //) -_- (\\ (((( ._. )))) ))))---(((( ((((`---')))) (___|xXxXx|___) \ | | / / ^ ^ ^ \ / \ (_._._._._._) \ | / ( | ) | | | hjw |-|-| /`-^-'\ (__,^.__) My little niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get you." -<>- On a family vacation in Texas, my brother-in-law Mike exhibited the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size. "Wow," he exclaimed, "everything IS bigger in Texas!" As he lifted the burger off the plate, his eyes met the cold stare of the 300-pound waitress. -<>- _ _V.-o / |`-' (7_\\ jg Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?" -<>- "That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex- boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age." -<>- No doubt about it, the new temp didn't have a clue about computers. Since part of her job was directing calls to our technical support department, I gave her simple instructions: "When people call with computer problems, always ask which operating system they're using--Windows, Macintosh or UNIX." Later, she handed a technician this phone message... "Call immediately. Customer has problem with eunuchs." ============================================================ >-->From TheMouthPiece: ."";._ _.---._ _.-"". /_.'_ '-' /`-` \_ \ .' / `\ \ /` \ '. .' / ; _ _ '-; \ ;'. _.' ; /\ / \ \ \ ; '._;._ .-'.--. | / | \0|0/ \ | '-. / /` \ | / .' \ | .---. \ | | | / /--' .-"""-. \ \/ \ | \ \ / / / ( , , ) /\ \ | / \ '----' .' | '-(_)-' | | '. / / `'----'` | '. | `'----'` jgs \ `/ '. , .' `-.____.' '.____.-' \ / '-' > -------------- 25 Phrases Of Wisdom -------------- 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrow- ness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. ============================================================ >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: ,--, |__ _ ___/ /\| :__|_|__/ __ ;( )__, ) /-\|__/-\_/ ; // '--; \'/ \'/ \ | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign. "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." -<>- >Regular or Premium Gas When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "It could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband. "It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual twenty dollars worth." -<>- Q. Are the Avon Lady and England's Stratford-Upon-Avon related? A. Yes. D. H. McConnell formed the California Perfume Company in 1896 in New York City, marketing perfumes in the same way Avon does today. His company expanded and he built a factory in Suffern, New York. On the 50th anniversary of the company, he changed its name, choosing Avon because he liked Shakespeare. -<>- _|_ | / \ //_\\ //(_)\\ |/^\| ,%%%% // \\ ,@@@@@@@, ,%%%%/%%% // \\ ,@@@\@@@@/@@, @@@%%%\%%//%%%// === \\ @@\@@@/@@@@@ @@@@%%%%\%%%%%// =-=-= \\@@@@\@@@@@@;%#####, @@@@%%%\%%/%%// === \\@@@@@@/@@@%%%######, @@@@@%%%%/%%//| |\\@\\//@@%%%%%%#/#### '@@@@@%%\\/%~ | | ~ @|| %\\//%%%#####; @@\\//@|| | __ __ | || %%||%%'###### '@|| || | | | | | || ||##\//#### || || | | -|- | | || ||'#||###' || || |_|__|__|_| || || || || ||_/` ======= `\__||_._|| || jgs__||_/` ======= `\_||___ The Accident A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in. The men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I." Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM ============================================================ >-->From SermondFodder: /) .-"".L,""-. ; :. : ( 7: ) : ; ctr "..-"-.." >Highest Bidder Diet My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers. She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it." === + (|) _____.___.|_|. | / \ |===| | / \ | o | |__/__v__\|, ,| | | | | | || || |/| . . . |','| ||| A A A | , | ||| M M M | | wtx --------------------- Church Recycling? Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water. === The Perfect Dress I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her. "I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger." From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two." === This post is brought your way by Sermon Fodder and Joke A Day Ministries. To get a regular dose of Christian humor and a modern-day parable drop a note to Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or to ajokeaday7-subscribe@topica.com. Please leave this attached if you forward this to friends or post on the net. ================================ Worth Repeating..... Christ demands that the driving force in your life must be love. All other things, although important, are secondary. Love is the sign of true discipleship. -- Solly Ozrovech And what greater calamity can fall upon a nation than the loss of worship. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson =============================== Keith's Diet Our humor item today caught my eye mainly because I happed to be on a diet. I'm trying to lose about 40 pounds in 12 weeks as part of a "Greatest Loser" type event at work. After talking to several friends who are on varying diets with varying success rates, I decided to create a diet of my own. I'm on the "Perrier and Soup Diet." Essentially, you have eat all of the soup and drink all of the Perrier that you want. Perrier is that expensive carbonated mineral water that comes in green bottles. As a comedian once said, "Anytime I want to blow a buck on a bottle of water, I buy Perrier." Mainly, I've cut back on carbs big time. Plus, I'm normally a milk-a- holic. My proudest accomplishment of the last four weeks is that I actually made a gallon of milk last for a whole week. And it was skim milk at that. I can usually go through a gallon in about 3 to 4 days. I've also given up soft drinks. I think the Perrier is a key part because it tastes kind of like soft drinks without all the junk. It also is a little more exciting than drinking plain old bottled water. If Perrier is a bit pricey where you live (like it is here) you can easily substitute club soda. As of Saturday morning I had lost about 14 pounds in just under 4 weeks. About the only other thing I've done is start walking about two miles with Beth when we get home in the afternoon. I was doing OK until she decided we should have a big birthday dinner today for several members of the family. Yeah, I fell off the wagon. I probably gained back about 4 pounds today. However, I'm psyched up and ready to get back on my diet big time on Monday. If any of you decided to try the "Perrier and Soup Diet" please let me know how you do on it. Maybe I should consider getting it copyrighted. Best, Keith The Sermon Fodder Guy -<>- ___ /_\_\ |;-^-'| ; ._ d - j :. ,<%@. |-_-| / \ {_ _,l ___/\_ _/\_ \,< ___ <~L~>\. /___\_\'/_/_`-.( `___\ \ - |` /___ \ \|/|po /||_/-___L":--;" L _ \ \ |o|LY| |(n==\^\^''--`-,-_ [-><-]=3 || ^;| |`\ _')>\ /<__/\ |< !c)|o ; |;| "| _' \ \/ /po | |- | | ; ' |,-. |.V \/ |LY | |\__, _L |o : | / \ \||\ |o^ ^| | _|/| / _\__ : / 7 '<|`. | | | / |L/ < /\: | Y \ | \|' | | | |/ /_ | | | | \| A|. | | /| |/|PO| | || | | |V| | | || |<|LY| | || | |,| | |_ | / | | ^^ | | | | | |____| |" | | | | | | | | |#^' |4 \ | | | | | | |,| | |%_| | | |m | A \ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | / | / | | \ || | | | | | | / /| |__| || | | l | | |> / / | | \___/|_A_| | | | | / / | | | | || |m1a >About Cussing [No Cussing Zone] By Mike Benson at KneeMail OFTENTIMES WE ASSOCIATE late-night TV shows, such as the Tonight Show, with celebrities. However, on January 21, 2009, Jay Leno interviewed an unusual guest: 15-year-old McKay Hatch. In 2007, Hatch founded his first No Cussing Club at his junior high school in South Pasadena, California. According to McKay's website, www.nocussing.com, the teen was dismayed at the language many of the children at his school, including some of his friends, were using. Rather than just put up with it, as so many of us are prone to do, he decided to do something about it. He mentioned it to his friends and actually challenged them to stop cussing. He says his friends were shocked; most of them didn't even realize they were using offensive language, and certainly had no idea it was bothersome to Hatch. Surprisingly, and very pleasantly so, they accepted his challenge to stop swearing, and thus was born the first No Cussing Club. The word spread and after one month the club had 50 members. When McKay got into high school, he founded a similar club, and had over 100 students join immediately. The word has further spread until today there are over 20,000 members in 25 countries. Club members take the "No Cussing Challenge," committing to use better language. However, this is not just a "negative" challenge., to not use bad language, but a "positive" challenge as well, to use "polite, respectful, and kind language." Further, the club's motto is, "Leave people better than you found them." This concept has impacted not only the recipients of the kind language, but the speakers as well: McKay relates that many club members have noticed a change in their own lives from using positive language. And the concept has progressed to the club members "looking for opportunities everyday to help people and lift them up through their words and actions." (Liana Stanley) KneEmail: "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear." Ephesians 4:29 Bible reading for 05.15.09: John 4:31-54; 2 Kings 22, 23 From Kneemail. Mike Benson --- ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy ...No Cussing Zone! People today seem to forget about not taking the Lord's name in vain and do it at a toss of the hat - OMG this and OMG that and even have kid shows with kids saying it like it is no big deal! Irritating. I wouldn't mind if they said 'Oh my goodness' but no, they have to swear and take God's name in vain! And they think that saying that is less offensive then saying the F word - I beg to differ. Remind yourself and others to watch their tongue - I'm sure God is... Exod.20: [7] Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. Deut.5: [11] Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. God said it twice - so it is established! It is time we renew our mind to God's Word and educate our children! No Cussing http://www.nocussing.com/ =================================================================== >-->From AndyChaps: >Something to think about... : '. _ .' -= (~) =- .' # '. /""""" | (')') C _) \ _| \__/ <___Y> / \ :\\ / | :|\ |___| :|/\ | | :|\ \ \ \ :| \ \_ \ \==L| \\\ ///` || | || | || | || | || | || | || [___]] jgs (____)) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** If you want to break a habit, drop it. ** ** Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's good only for wallowing in. ~~~- Katharine Mansfield ** ** Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as a heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere. Destroy this spirit and you have planted the seeds of despotism around your own doors. ~~~-Abraham Lincoln ** ** A home in which there is no laughter is only a house. - G. H. Knight ================= ** Money can buy you a wonderful dog, but only love will make him wag his tail. ================= ** Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away. - Tom Wilson ================= ** Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare. - Japanese proverb ================== ** Most people see what is, and never see what can be. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955), Physicistt ================== ** Life is not measured by the breath we take but by the moments that take our breath away. ================== ** Courage is very important. Like a muscle, it is strengthened by use. - Ruth Gordon (1896-1985) =================== ** Change starts when someone sees the next step. -- William Drayton ================== ** Most people who fail in their dreams fail not from lack of ability, but from lack of commitment. ~~~~Zig Ziglar -<>- ________________ '------._.------'\ \_______________\ .'| .'| .'_____________.' .| | | | | Scooby _.-. | . | | * (_.-' | | | Snacks | .| | * * | .' |______________|.' LGB >** TEN REASONS DOGS ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS ** 1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. -<>- . . :"-. .-"; |:`.`.__..__.'.';| || :-" "-; || :; :; / .==. .==. \ : _.--._ ; ; .--.' `--' `.--. : : __;` ':__ ; ; ' '-._:;_.-' ' : '. `--' .' ."-._ _.-". .' ""------"" `. /`- -'\ /`- -'\ :`- .' `. -'; ; / \ : : : ; ; ; ; : : ':_:.' '.;_;' :_ _; ; "-._ -" :`-. _.._ :_ () _; "--::__. `. \"- -"/`._ : .-"-. -"-. ""--..____.' / .__ __. \ : / , / "" \ . \ ; bug "-:___..--" "--..___;-" ** The CAT Goes South For Winter ** My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida every winter." -<>- >** Call your Local Sheriff ** It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about what was laying before him. The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead." Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin." -<>- _ / } /'.\ _/ ) (`- ( ,) |/ /| ' ` Elb >** Womanly Truisms ** ** Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are stick- ing to their diet. ** Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and chal- lenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. ** Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. ** One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. ** I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. ** The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ** Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beau- tician. ** Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. ** Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. ** Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ** If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. ** You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. ** I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rub- bing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. ** Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. ** It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. ** Age is important only if you're cheese and wine. ** The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. ** Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. ** Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of choco- late cake. -<>- ,=""=, c , _,{ /\ @ ) __ / ^~~^\ <=.,__/ '}= (_/ ,, ,,) \_ _>_/~ ~\_(/-\)'-,_,_,_,-'(_)-(_) -Naughty >** I'll Do The next One ** After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled: "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!" -<>- ,(()). ,;;;;. __ ________ _____ ___ ((_ _));'_`'_( _| __ __ __ _| _| _| __ __ () \ /)\ ) / (_|__ _|-_| _(_|(_|(_|__ _|-- ((\ O(() \ O / _____(_|(_|_____________(_|_ SSt >** Golden Rules For Singing In Choir ** ** Everyone should sing the same piece. ** If you sing a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners. ** Carefully tune your voice before singing. That way you can sing out of tune all night with a clear conscience. ** The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa). ** If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost. ** Strive to get the maximum NPS (note per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. ** If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end. ** If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should Tune". ** Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs. ** A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original. ** When everyone else has finished singing, you should not sing any notes you have left. ** A wrong note sang timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note sang with authority is an interpretation. -<>- >** The Color Of Weddings ** Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said.... "So why is the groom wearing black?" -<>- ________ /________\ //( ( ( ( \\ || ((|| ||) ) ` ) )|| || (\___( ( || \|) ) \)_|/ / ((\_v_/ \ / /) x \ \ | | x | | >** Death In The Family ** A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going be OK?" "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!" -<>- >** Bumber Stickers ** ** "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?" ** "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" ** "Rehab Is for Quitters" ** "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" ** "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" ** "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" ** "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" ** "HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!" ** "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" -<>- . . /XX\ * /XXX/ \XX( . + (___) _-__---.XXX| * . ___,-/XXX' ___\XX| /XXXXXX/ ,-'_ _`XX| . . |XXXX/\|_/ O _)\X| . ,-|/ (\\ ==___=)| + |\/\/\ : \ ,-' ' ' (_/ / \ __/ ___""" ,', ''' ' ,,,'XX\ __ >===^--' `--. ; ,/XXXXX'X-.XXXX)-. /##\ _-' ___ \ ' |XX\XXXXXX`.XX|XX\-_|##| / / / \ |XXX`-_,-.XX>/XXX/ /|##/ | /__/ | \----/XXX\/ _\/ \/###| | ) | |##/XXXX|\/XXX) `-.#/ \ | _>'XXX/ \ \\ ` | / \\\_/ | / \ / / )| _/ ,,"" / "= `-_| | "",,,,-'"\ | / // /|"" /) )"=, \#\ ,-.| \ ,,\ ",// /"/ ,/ / )/ """'\ (###) \_/<_>\ / /(/ / __ / =..\##/ |\_ / """ ,/ / / )| "=::/:/ / \ \,,,, ,/-_ / / // `""' _/ | """" `-,,,"\.",// / | / / / "--""" / __/ \ / / _^ _/ __ _______--_______________________/ \_____________________/ / - / / ---' /__^__^ \ \ . `---^ . . \ / . \ . ()()() . ()()() , , ` __ , __O##) <_####/ ,'### /#### /##|### | #/### #\ / ##|### \# | ##### \\\/\####__ \//\/\####> ===== unknown >** I think Santa Claus is a woman ** (A Spoof... Says Andy) I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wwearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is thhreatened, having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physiqque to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Finally, being responsible for Christmmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. ==================================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Believe In Your Dreams http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/dream.html Gasoline Price Humor http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gasoline.html Notes To God http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cnotes.html Egg Stacking Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eggart.html Japan Manhole Cover Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/japanart.html Backpack Cat http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/backpack.html Desert Skiing http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/desertskiing.html Grizzly Bear Killed http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/grizzly.html Luxury Golf Carts http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/golfcarts.html Weird Rainy Days http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rainyday.html Ten Life Tips http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lifetips.html -<>- >From TheMouth: The 15 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Bootleg Toys http://bit.ly/dLTyTV Date Stories - Date Night ... http://bit.ly/haX3cx -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) ripped : paper-cut-project http://www.paper-cut-project.com/ --- ...Cool! Thanks Wesley! -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Max Porta Potty http://www.buffaloschips.com/gssshdj.htm McDogo http://www.buffaloschips.com/gasew.htm McElway Basketball http://www.buffaloschips.com/gahdjjs.htm Men Can't Multitask http://www.buffaloschips.com/gsashsjs.htm Men Invented Everything http://www.buffaloschips.com/gnjjhjk.htm Walking The Dog http://www.buffaloschips.com/dflkj5.htm Walking Comp http://www.buffaloschips.com/lkjyu.htm Walk The Dog http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsfjk54.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control." - Conan O'Brien "Some swanky hotels in New York City are now renting rooms by the hour. Aren't hotel rooms dirty enough already?" - Craig Ferguson "A new study found that a chemical in your body can actually make you a bad dancer. It's called 'vodka.'" - Jimmy Fallon "You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz Nutley "My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a math- ematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to color." --Shashi Bhatia "Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money." --George Carlin "Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather for the devil. —C. S. Lewis To enter the country of old age is a new experience, different from what you supposed it to be. Nobody, man or woman, knows the country until he has lived in it and has taken out his citizenship papers. —Malcolm Cowley When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. -- Old Indian Saying The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************