Old People Rock & More ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net =========================== >-->In The Shangy News: I managed to scoop this page out of my hat Sunday - Thanks to our friend Steve! A delightful story caught on camera! _,-""`""-~`) (`~ \ | a a \ ; o ; ___ _,,,,_ _.-~'. \ `^` /`_.-"~ `~-;` \ \_ _ .' `, | |`- \'__/ / ,_ \ `'-. / .-""~~--. `"-, ;_ / | \ \ | `""` \__.--'`"-. /_ |' `"` `~~~---.., | jgs \ _.-'`-. \ \ '. / `"~"` Polar Bear Encounter http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/polar.html Polar Bear -<>- .=gp. .'/$$$$ || "TP" || .: || .-' | || .-' | || | !____ || | .-' .-' || '.____.-'( || \ / /__\ || )( |::| /__\ fsc |::| I spent most of the evenings Friday and Sunday on the Bible Study pages and came to a conclusion - I've got a lot of these! So far I have 92 of them done but not finished. They refer so much to each other, that I feel it is important for them to have a menu available on each of them to access the other teachings. So all the pages must be done first before I can add the full menu to them. I still have many more to do. Once these are all done, you will have a nice selection to pick and choose from according to your own particular needs and desires. I suppose that is why I haven't put these up sooner. I've been wanting to get the Bible Study teachings up for over a year now. But I knew they would be a challenge. Like they say - a job worth doing is worth doing well - so I want to make sure to do it right. For now, all I can say is 'I'm Working on it!' :) Here are a few more for your Pleasure: BibleStudy: God's Calling http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/godscalling.html BibleStudy: Trust In The Lord http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/trustinthelord.html BibleStudy: Modern Sayings http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/modernsayings.html -<>- >I added photos to our group here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Thank You Maxy's Pal, Del, And Steve for Sharing With Us!! ================================================================== >-->From The FunnyBone: The Personality Test A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test. .-'''''-. "How does this glass of water look to you?" |'-----'| Person 1: It is half empty |-.....-| Student writes 'pessimist' in his report. |::. | |::. | Person 2 enters the room. |:::. | |::::. | "How does this glass of water look to you?" |::::::.| Person 2: It is half full. jgs `'-----'` Student writes 'optimist' in his report Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there. The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor. "Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality." ==================================================================== .-..-. (-o/\o-) /`""``""`\ \ /.__.\ / \ `--` / `) (' , /::::\ , |'.\::::/.'| _| ';::;' |_ (::) || (::) _. "| || |" _(:) '. || .' /::\ '._||_.' \::/ /::::\ /:::\ \::::/ _\:::/ /::::\_.._ _.._ _.._ _.._/::::\ \::::/::::\/::::\/::::\/::::\::::/ jgs `""`\::::/\::::/\::::/\::::/`""` `""` `""` `""` `""` ------------------- Bizarre Book Titles --------------------+ Come Again, Nurse By Jane Grant Robert Hale, 1960 The Joy of Chickens By Dennis Nolan Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1981 'A history and celebration of the chicken, rare and common' (Publisher's catalogue) The Golden Fountain: Complete Guide to Urine Therapy By Coen van der Kroon Banbury: Amethyst Books, 1996 What to Say When You Talk to Yourself By Shad Helmstetter Scottsdale, Ariz,: Grindle Press, 1982 Life and Love in the Aquarium By C.H. Peters New York: Empire Tropical Fish Import Co., 1934 Rubbing Along in Burmese By Anon Simla: Directorate of Welfare and Education, Adjutant General's Branch GHQ, 1944 Careers in Dope By Dan Waldrof Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1973 Movie Stars in Bathtubs By Jack Scagnetti Middle Village, NY: Jonathan David Publishers, 1975 ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend Steve :) >A Five Year Project: If you like to.......... see"A Five Year Project The reinvention of Bill Laird's 50 ' Lake Powell Boat". I'll apologize in advance for the poor quality of some of the photo's and one I missed downsizing. Many were old Polaroid's. Most are not bad. This is a longer blog than usual. http://grantsemporium.blogspot.com/ --- ...Cool! A Lot of work done here! Thanks Steve! -<,,>- . _.:/ ) _ .-Q `._ '\(o7/' o(.__ '-. `.( ).' `_/ ) H ._ '-._.' kOs w ( \ / \ '. .' ) Gee, I FEEL KINDA SMART RIGHT NOW !!! If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because i f we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' --Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,' -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,' --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,' --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,' --A congressional candidate in Texas . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' --Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ' -- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?' --Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.' -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.' --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.' --Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to your brilliant friends. _ooo--. @@@=@MMM\.`,_.',- _.\X/"/" \ 33, ===A | \ P""B /@,_ ( __,/""\.M\ |; \"/\"_,/ / .'.A \,\._><-__./ "V I just did !! \F _ a_3R"---,. _>"# _ ) ( / .@J / ) / / ) ( | \ /, | \ `,._,/ ___ "=\, ]@7,.n| P @\ 7-______. \____., .) / / \ \ \WWW/ | | | | ""' ___ / \. ,/ \._ /" """ \ ( """"\ |( ___.-' "--. \) ""-`"""" `--(__)/ Stephen Unwin -<*->- IS it - OR Isn't It? Stop by and help me decide. Let me know what you think. http://rgrantsemporium.blogspot.com/2007/10/is-it-bushy-or-imposter.ht ---- ...Nice! Thanks Steve! ==================================================================== >-->From The SermondFodder: ALL GIRLS? _ _ _ _ //|\ //|\ //|\ //|\ c_"/ c_"/ c_"/ c_"/ __/\__ /\__ /\ /\ / \ /\ \ /\/\ /\/\ /____\ /____\ /____\ /____\ S-v /l ll l\ ll When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!" === >From the Sermon Fodder List. To get a regular dose of Christian humor and a modern-day parable drop a note to Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. Please leave this attached if you forward to friends or post it on the net. ================================================== Worth Repeating.... Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who is offended by a God he doesn't believe in. ----Christian Comedian Brad Stine www.bradstine.com ================================================== October is Pastor Appreciation Montt. I almost forgot. Here are some ideas for celebrating Clergy Appreciation at http://www.pastor-appreciation.net/ Yeah, it's late, but not too late. --the Sermon Fodder Guy ================================================ October is Pastor Appreciation Month Your Church Needs To Express Love and Appreciation To Be A Healthy Church I believe that pastor appreciation is the sign of a healthy church and healthy churches want to pay tribute to their pastor through loving acts of appreciation. Biblically, pastor appreciation is a concept that appears throughout the pages of scripture. Ultimately, clergy appreciation by a congregation is an expression of gratitude to God for their pastor. Honoring the pastor reveals more about a congregation than it does about the pastor. Your church's expression of gratitude for your pastor and his or her ministry efforts can be one of the most effective demonstrations to your community that your church is indeed a loving church. May the greatest clergy appreciation gift given by your church be the gift of a healthy church, ready to share God's love not only with your pastor but with your community. 31 Daily Pastor Appreciation Gifts In October 31 Unique Pastor Appreciation Gifts In anticipation of Pastor Appreciation Month, we pass an October calendar among the church members. Each person who wants to participate put their name on a specific day that is theirs to express appreciation to the pastor however they choose. Creativity Reigns Each October Day When their special day, the creativity of individual families in many different expressions of pastor appreciation. An appreciation e-mail, Pastor appreciation cards in the mail, Homemade cookies, a favorite pie or a dozen donuts appear on his desk each day with an appreciation card, Coupons with an offer to wash his car, A box of chocolates or a bag of favorite candy, Coupons for a homemade meal, Offers to take out the pastor's family for lunch or dinner, Coupon books to Wendy's, Burger King, Pizza Hut, or favorite restaurant. The only limit is each person's imagination in creatively thinking up these daily expressions to honor the pastor. === by way of The Pearls List To Subscribe, send an email to: Larryb1939@aol.com and ask to receive >From Grace Mail. To subscribe drop a note to pastorjohn@walmsleyblvdumc.org ==================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Becky :) .---------------. / oLo \ O/_____/________/____\O /__________+__________\ / (#############) \ |[**](#############)[**]| \_______________________/ |_""__|_,-----,_|__""_| | | '-----' | | APC'97 '-' '-' 7:45 PM YOU ARE IN your car driving home. Thoughts wander to the game you want to see or meal you want to eat, when suddenly a sound unlike any you've ever heard fills the air. The sound is high above you. A trumpet? A choir? A choir of trumpets? You don't know, but you want to know. So you pull over, get out of your car, and look up. As you do, you see you aren't the only curious one. The roadside has become a parking lot. Car doors are open, and people are staring at the sky. Shoppers are racing out of the grocery store. The Little League baseball game across the street has come to a halt. Players and parents are searching the clouds. And what they see, and what you see, has never before been seen. MMMMm MMMMMMMMMMM mMMMMMMMMMMMm MMMMMMM mMMMMMMMMMm MMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMm MMMMMMMMM mMMMMMMMMMm MMMMMMMMM mMMMMMMMm MMMMMMMMM mMMMMMMMMm MMMMMMM mMMMMMMMMm MMMMMMMM mMMMMMm MMMMMMMM 0 mMMMMMm MMMMM mMMMMMm o@@@o MMMMM mMMMm MMMMM o@@@@@@o mmm mMMMm MMM mMMMm o@@@@@@@@@MMMMM @oo MMM mMm MMM o@@@@@@@@@@@@ooMM @@@@o mMm M mMm o@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@o MhhhHHHHHHHHhhhM o@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@o hhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh oo@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@oo hHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh oo@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ooHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHoo@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ooHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHoo@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ooHHHHHHHHHoo@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@Chad Lemon@ As if the sky were a curtain, the drapes of the atmosphere part. A brilliant light spills onto the earth. There are no shadows. None. From every hue ever seen and a million more never seen. Riding on the flow is an endless fleet of angels. They pass through the curtains one myriad at a time, until they occupy every square inch of the sky. North. South. East. West. Thousands of silvery wings rise and fall in unison, and over the sound of the trumpets, you can hear the cherubim and seraphim chanting, Holy, holy, holy. The final flank of angels is followed by twenty-four silver-bearded elders and a multitude of souls who join the angels in worship. Presently the movement stops and the trumpets are silent, leaving only the triumphant triplet: Holy, holy, holy. Between each word is a pause. With each word, a profound reverence. You hear your voice join in the chorus. You don't know why you say the words, but you know you must. Suddenly, the heavens are quiet. All is quiet. The angels turn, you turn, the entire world turns and there He is. Jesus. Through waves of light you see the silhouetted figure of Christ the King. He is atop a great stallion, and the stallion is atop a billowing cloud. He opens his mouth, and you are surrounded by his declaration: I am the Alpha and the Omega. The angels bow their heads. The elders remove their crowns. And before you is a figure so consuming that you know, instantly you know: Nothing else matters. Forget stock markets and school reports. Sales meetings and football games. Nothing is newsworthy.. All that mattered, matters no more.... for Christ has come. This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, he saw me, and he asked: My child, what is your greatest wish for today? I responded: 'Lord please; take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them very much'. The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginnings but not its end. This message works on the day you receive it. To some it may sound dumb, but the person who sent this to me was impressed with its timing. Let us see if it is true. ANGELS EXIST, but sometimes, since they don't all have wings we call them FRIENDS, SUCH AS YOU. Pass this on to your true friends. SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY. SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR OR NEEDING. --- ...Interesting and a sweet reminder! Thanks Becky! ==================================================================== >-->From Our Friends Del, Casey & MrWu :) _|_ | _|_ //_/\ __| ||____ ////////////\ /////////////\\ |^^^^^^^^^^||+| | # # # |||| .... ....". ||||||||||||||||| unknown >Church humor WAKE UP One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. 1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!" THE PICNIC A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." THE USHER An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered. SHOW AND TELL A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole. TWENTY TO ONE A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?" GOAT FOR DINNER A young couple invited their pastor to Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister was visiting with their young son and asked what they were having for dinner. "Goat", said the boy. "Goat?', asked the pastor? "Are you sure?" "Oh yes", answered the boy. "This morning my dad told my mom "This is as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner." --- ...TeeHee! -<,,>- >A conversation between a Customer and Bank of America Bank: The Bank: Bank of America, can I help you? Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer. The Bank: Why? Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere. The Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account. What is your account number? Customer: (gives account number) The Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number? Customer: No. The Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are. Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers. You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you? The Bank: No sir, I wouldn't. Customer: Why not? The Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line. I provided "snopes" for doubters: http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/bankofamerica.asp Now I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them. I have included the URL's for verification of the following facts. 1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year. http://tinyurl.com/zob77 2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens. http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html 3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens. 4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English! http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ 5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies. http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html 6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens. http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html 7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens. http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html 8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers. http://premium.cnn.com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html 9. $200 Billion Dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused by the illegal aliens. http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html 10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular, their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0606/12/ldt.01.html 11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth, heroine and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from the Southern border. Homeland Security Report: 12. The National Policy Institute, "estimated that the total cost of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period." http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf 13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances back to their countries of origin. http://www.rense.com/general75/niht.htm 14. "The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One Million Sex Crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants in The United States." http://www.drdsk.com/articleshtml The total cost is a whooping $ 338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR of your tax payer money. If this doesn't bother you then just delete the message, but on the other hand, if it does raise the hair on the back of your neck, then forward it to every human in the country including every representative in Washington, DC four time a week for a month. God Bless You And Yours. -<**>- >ARE YOU TOO BUSY _ _( )_ ( (o___ | _ 7 \ (") Too Busy for a Friend.. / \ \ ( ) ) | \ __/ | | ( / \ / ) /(_ | (___) \___) kurt scaletta One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers. That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual. On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments. No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on. Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin. As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot." After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher. "We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it." Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it ." All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home." Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists." That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again . The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late. And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Send this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful . If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care. If you're "too busy " to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? The more people that you send this to, the better you'll be at reaching out to those you care about. Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own. May Your Day Be As Blessed As You Are Special --- ...Sweet Classic! Thanks Del! -<^^>- Just giving you some ideas, in the event that you have to fill out a job application! |_________________________________________________________| |jrei_'__.__'_|_''__'__.__'_|_''__'__.__'_|_''__'__.__'_|.| |:. :. |. .:::::. :. |;.;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;;;;;;;;':|.| |::'. : :::::'::'. |;;;;.;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;;;;;;;;;;'::::|:| |____'_|_''__'__.__'_|;;;;;;;.;_;;__;;;;;;_;;;_;':::::::|'| |. .:::::. :. |. .:::|;;;;;;;;| ____________ |::::::::| | | :::::'::'. : :::::|;;:;;;;;| |::::::::::''| |::.:::::|'| |_''__'__. ' '_''__'|;;;;:;;;| |:: .--. ::':::::|_| |:. :. |. ||||| . :. |;;;;;;;;| |:: ( )) ) :::.:::|.| |::'. : |o o| :'. |;:;:;;;;| |:: '==' :|'-::::|:| |_.__'_|_' \_/ _.__'_|;;;:;;;;| |:' .'|| :|T |:::|_| |. .:::::. | |. .:::|;;;;;;;;| |'_______ | || ::'-::::| | | :::::'::'.| : :::::|;;;;;;;;|___________ '.() :::.:'::|'| |_''__'__._ |_|_''__'|;::''' || ''':::|_| | | || | | | .:: | | | | |_________________________________________________________| >Wal Mart APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny... NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. ***Old People Rock! --- ..DITTO! Thanks Del! ==================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Maxy's Pal :) |_____________________________________ | |====================================|`--._ ,-'| |------------------------------------| | | |__________ 1 S T B A N K | | | | |_____ __| _______________ | | | | |#####| | |_ _________ _| | | -'| | |#####| | || | | | | || | | | | |#####| | || | | | | || | | ` ,###. " | | |#####| |________|| | | | | ||_______| | |###| | | |#####| _________ | | | | | | _______| ___|___ |###| .\_|-.__| |#####||__.::|_.:||_|_|_|_|_||.::|__.| |"!"""""""""/ \""""|""""!"| |#####||.::|__.::|___________|__.::|_| |"!"""""""""\|___|/""""|""""!"| |###''||__.::|__.::|__.::|__.::|__.::| |"!""""""""" | | """"|"""""!"| |' ||:|__.::|__.::|__.::|__.::|__.|' | | | | | |_|_| | |________________________________________________________________| Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH! #1 To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment. #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. #10. This is a second reminder to press * for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, music noise will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, ... if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?? Your Humble Client _ _ _ _ _ (Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" --- ...Yeppers - Ditto - They ROCK! Thanks Maxy's Pal! ================================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: ...Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse... ) (.) .|. l7J Mrs. Fields | | _.--| |--._ .-'; ;`-'& ; `&. NOT For Christmas!! & & ; & ; ; \ \ ; & &_/ F"""---...---"""J | | | | | | | | | J | | | | | | | F `---.|.|.|.---' >Mrs. Fields has become the first company to ban Christmas from their products and promotion for this year. When Diane H. of Michigan called Mrs. Fields and asked to speak with a supervisor in customer service about why they banned Christmas, the supervisor told Diane that they do not offer anything with Merry Christmas because they don't want to offend anyone. Take a look at Mrs. Fields Holiday Gift Preview by clicking here. In the "search" bar, type in the word "Christmas." But don't expect to find any reference to Christmas. (If you do, it has been added since this letter was written.) Mrs. Fields wants the business of Christians who celebrate Christmas, but they don’t mind if they offend Christians. Take Action * Visit here to send an email to Mrs. Fields: http://tinyurl.com/3dhf4t Tell the company that since they don’t mind offending Christians, you will not be purchasing their products this Christmas. Ask them to please use Christmas in their promotion next year. * Please forward this to your friends and family and urge them not to buy Mrs. Fields goodies this Christmas. * Participate in our The Plan They Can’t Ban Christmas project. Click here for details: http://tinyurl.com/2s9lot Sincerely, Donald E. Wildmon, Founder & Chairman American Family Association --- ... Say BYE BYE To some of the Best Cupcakes on the market! -<>- ...Goes along with FORD... Bye Bye Mustang >Ford Boycott continues to be effective; Sales drop 21% in September Ford Motor Company sales dropped 21% in September compared to that month's sales a year ago. Ford sales have dropped in 17 of the 19 months since AFA began a boycott of the company. AFA began boycotting Ford in March 2006 when the company reneged on a pledge to stop supporting homosexual organizations and same-sex marriage. While not totally responsible for the decline in sales, the boycott is having an impact. When the boycott began, Ford was approximately in the same financial condition as that of General Motors and Chrysler. But because of the boycott, Ford is now in much more of a serious financial situation than GM and Chrysler. Ford continues to consider support for the homosexual agenda and same-sex marriage more important than making a profit for the company. Ford has rebuffed repeated attempts by AFA asking the company to remain neutral in the culture war. Take Action * If you haven't already done so, please sign the Boycott Ford Pledge - Visit Here: http://tinyurl.com/38nqg5 * Forward this e-mail to your local Lincoln, Mercury, Volvo, Jaguar, Land Rover, Mazda or Ford dealer (all owned by Ford). Find their e-mail address here (click on the auto icon): http://tinyurl.com/3cjf2u Ask the dealer to forward it to CEO Alan Mulally. * Print the Boycott Ford Petition, http://tinyurl.com/3468o4 and distribute it at Sunday school and church. * Extremely important! Help us get the word out about Ford by forwarding this to friends and family! For more information on Ford's support for the homosexual agenda, click here. http://tinyurl.com/38csdh Sincerely, Don Donald E. Wildmon, Founder & Chairman American Family Association P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends! --- PLEASE NOTE: ...This IS NOT about a hate gay bashing or anything of that nature. Simply put, if we want to donate to the Gay Agenda, we can do that on our own - we do not need Ford jacking up the cost of a vehicle so profits can be given to help support Gays behind our backs. I for one would never agree to have my hard earned dollars go to help fund them. -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- 3-year-old grounded after toy car joyride --------- OMRO, Wis. - A three-year-old Wisconsin boy apparently born to drive jumped the gun this week when he went tooling along a busy highway in his battery-powered toy car. Jordan Will was pulled over by police in Omro as he and a 2-year-old buddy pulled up to an intersection in Jordan's kid-sized Mustang GT. "Nothing bad happened, so it's kind of cute now when you look at it, but at the time, it wasn't cute at all. It was scary. I was really upset," Doug Will, his father, told WISN-TV in Milwaukee. Will said he was asleep when his son and his friend set off on their joy ride. The boys made it about six blocks, apparently obeying all the traffic laws, before neighbors and police were able to halt them. Jordan's ride is now sidelined. Mr. Will took the battery out. .::\)`:`, .:;\/~`\``;) ,.~-----, ;;==`_ ~:;( ,,~{*}\~~--,.`. ;:== 6 6;;) ,(((((({*});~~. .\ ;;C } )' (('`)))~({*}) . \ .\ :;` `--'; >6 6`({*}))) . \~~ | `____/ ( { ))())) . .`, ____._| |_____. `--' (((())) . | / \ \__ _| | \ `-- )))))) . .| | ) \/\/\_{@} | ,-| ((((((( . | | \_ \ \ | / | / | / ))))))) .| | |\ : \ |/ | Y | (/*@@*( ' ` ) . | \ \ \_\/_/ | | / */ \ \'/ /. | \ \ |o | | \. \ |'@'| .| \ \ | ; ,'--,.,.,., \ ~*@*~. . | \ \_________._--`((,:{@}.:))_\ |~@~| . | \ ' | ((,{@}:{@}.))-----' ;/\ (, \._____________`-__((;,{@},:))_________/|{ | . ; | | | `';{@},) /`-----'\ |. | | .__/\__ | `{@};,; / / | \ \ \/ .| | / :; \ | `(@))\ / \. . | [Defining MARRIAGE Should be a top concern!] -- Judge rules Arkansas children can marry -------- LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - An Arkansas judge has ruled that because of bad wording in a state law governing marriage, anyone with parental permission can get married. Passed in March, state Act 441 was aimed at barring anyone under 18 from getting married with the exception of pregnant women with parental consent or a judge's order. In July, when the wording problem was discovered, the state Code Revision Commission tried to correct the wording by removing the word "not" from two places where it appeared in front of the word "pregnant." Wednesday, U.S. Circuit Judge Tom Keith ruled in Little Rock, Ark., the commission lacked the authority to make such legislative changes, the Arkansas Democrat reported. The issue went before the courts in September when the mother of a 17-year-old girl who wanted to get married sued a county clerk because she was denied a marriage license, the report said. Gov. Mike Beebe had said he has no plans to address the wording before next year's legislative session, the Arkansas News said. .::\)`:`, .:;\/~`\``;) ,.~-----, ;;==`_ ~:;( ,,~{*}\~~--,.`. ;:== 6 6;;) ,(((((({*});~~. .\ ;;C } )' (('`)))~({*}) . \ .\ :;` `--'; >6 6`({*}))) . \~~ | `____/ ( { ))())) . .`, ____._| |_____. `--' (((())) . | / \ \__ _| | \ `-- )))))) . .| | ) \/\/\_{@} | ,-| ((((((( . | | \_ \ \ | / | / | / ))))))) .| | |\ : \ |/ | Y | (/*@@*( ' ` ) . | \ \ \_\/_/ | | / */ \ \'/ /. | \ \ |o | | \. \ |'@'| .| \ \ | ; ,'--,.,.,., \ ~*@*~. . | \ \_________._--`((,:{@}.:))_\ |~@~| . | \ ' | ((,{@}:{@}.))-----' ;/\ (, \._____________`-__((;,{@},:))_________/|{ | . ; | | | `';{@},) /`-----'\ |. | | .__/\__ | `{@};,; / / | \ \ \/ .| | / :; \ | `(@))\ / \. . | [I REPEAT - DEFINE MARRIAGE - Between a MAN and A WOMAN!] -- Researcher: Humans will wed robots ----------- MAASTRICHT , Netherlands - The University of Maastricht in the Netherlands is awarding a doctorate to a researcher who wrote a paper on marriages between humans and robots. David Levy, a British artificial intelligence researcher at the college, wrote in his thesis, "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners," that trends in robotics and shifting attitudes on marriage are likely to result in sophisticated robots that will eventually be seen as suitable marriage partners. Levy's conclusion was based on about 450 public- ations in the fields of psychology, sexology, sociology, robotics, materials science, artificial intelligence, gender studies and computer-human interaction. The thesis examines human attitudes toward affection, love and sexuality and concluded that the findings are just as applicable to human interaction with robots of the future as they are to the relationships between humans of today. -<>- >From CoffeeBreak Student wants right to wear Edwards shirt A Texas high school student is fighting for his right to wear a John Edwards for President T-shirt in school. Paul T. Palmer and his parents say he has a First Amendment right to proclaim his political preferences on his clothes, The Dallas Morning News reported. The Waxahachie school board disagrees. "This is not about a hippie-dippy idea -- everyone can wear whatever they want," Paul's lawyer father, Paul D. Palmer, said. "This is who I support for president. He has a right to stick that on his shirt." The 15-year-old's battle began Sept. 21 when his football coach warned him that he was violating Waxahachie High School's ban on all-black outfits. He called home and his father brought the Edwards T-shirt to school. When he called home again, his mother brought him a red T-shirt. Paul said he decided to challenge the dress code when he was warned about being dressed entirely in black. Just 6 percent of U.S. men tying one on Millions of neckties are hanging or folded unused in the United States, with a Gallup poll showing just 6 percent of men wearing them to work anymore. That's a 4 percent decline since 2002 and dismal news for tie-makers, as almost 70 percent of men said they don't ever wear a tie for any reason, The Chicago Sun-Times reported from New York. As open-necked shirts grew in popularity, the Neckwear Association of America changed its name to the Men's Dress Furnishings Association in 2003. Its executive director, Gerald Andersen, told the newspaper about 85 million ties are still sold in the United States each year, but they're going to the highest level of executives. Wearing a raspberry necktie with a paisley pattern for the interview, Andersen blamed such social changes as "casual Fridays" and the Internet, which reduced face-to-face business, for the slump in need and popularity for the necktie. Student loses spleen to classroom game An eighth-grader at a New York school was seriously injured when fellow students threw books at him during a classroom game. The student, Chaz Carvalho, ended up losing his spleen, The Staten Island (N.Y.) Advance reported. The game is called "Quiet." As played by the students at Dreyfus Intermediate School on Staten Island, students in a class keep their mouths shut and then hurl their books at the first to speak. In less extreme versions, the first to talk is eliminated from the game. On Oct. 3, when Chaz was hurt, his math class had a substitute teacher. Kuang Wei Li told the students after they finished their work they could do whatever they wanted for the rest of the period. School officials say Li won't receive any substitute assignments until after the incident has been investigated. Chaz's mother, Deborah Carvalho, said she wondered why no one got medical help for her son -- although part of the problem appears to be that he told the school nurse and family doctor only that he had a stomach ache. Two days later, he was discovered to have a ruptured spleen. ============================================================= >-->From The MouthPiece: .---. .--. ___/ \ / `.-"" `-, ; ; / O O \ / `. \ /-' _ J-.__; _.' (" / `. -=: `: `, -=| | F\ i, ; -| | | | || \_J fsc mmm! `mmM Mmm' Top Ten Surprises In Yesterday's Republican Debate 10. McCain answered all questions with his sock puppet friend "Carl" 9. Debate was held at Chi-Chi's in Dearborn 8. The part where Giuliani slugged an audience member was odd 7. Mitt Romney proposed a big tax cut for guys named "Mitt" — that's crazy — who's ever heard of such a thing? 6. Candidates greeted each other with long, passionate kiss 5. No No. 5 — writer seeing hilarious remake of "The Heartbreak Kid" in theatres now 4. Tom Tancredo admitted even he doesn't know who the hey he is 3. Eddie Brill claimed the audience was one-third foreigners 2. Wayne Newton was voted off 1. Time limit enforced by Cheney with a shotgun [From the Late Show with David Letterman] ============================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: Southwest Missouri Hangout - \\ ///// | | (| _ _ |) |` | '| | __ | >>>___/\_^__/\___<<< / ||| \ Mike Hertz >Thanks to all the veterans As some may or may not know Toni is quite the song writer. A couple of days ago she handed me this song and asked what I thought if it. After reading the words I was choked up and Told her that in light of the world situation the words had to be shared. This song is for all the soldiers thru history that walked away from family knowing there was a chance they would never see them again. All in the name of freedom and the greatest country on earth. It is also specialy dedicated to all the loved ones that watched their soldiers walk away, the wifes, mothers, fathers and children who waited day by day praying for thier safe return. It is not said enough. THANK YOU for the hardship YOU delt with so that my children can grow up free. Not GOODBYE He turned around to take one last look Of everything he leaves behind. He could read your face just like an open book, As love, fear, and sadness filled your eyes. If there was any other way He wouldn't be standing here today. Across the ocean in a foreign land Lies a country in great unrest; And due to actions of a single man He's called upon to do his best. If there were any other way He'd be home with you today. But he's not letting you go, he's not saying goodbye But he needs for you to understand Because he believes, he must fight For you and all Americans. I thought you'd like to have the picture that she drew Today we dropped in the mail. She sends an angel over you She knows more than she can tell. But if there was any other way She'd have you home with her today. So every night when she goes to bed She says her prayers before she sleeps. And every time the same words are said; "Please bring Daddy home to me. And if there's any possible way, Can you bring him home and home to stay?" But she's not letting you go, she's not saying goodbye And she wants you to know she understands; She proud that you believe and proud that you fight For her and all Americans. She's proud that you believe enough to fight For her and all Americans. Written by Toni Sprenkle Copywrite Nov. 18 2003 --- T and W -<>- Five Bucks....LOL A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?" "How much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars." "I'll give you five bucks." The girl laughs at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see what you get for five bucks?" -<>- The Date Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost. The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had." -<>- Running Away A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college." -<>- >Groaners! In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation! (Michael Balarama) When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and asked, 'Jose, can you see?'" (Bob Sachee) A recent Honors Graduate of Harvard University's Geology Department had the good fortune to be posted to the Hawaiian Volcano Observatory just as a new eruption started. As the noise intensified, his only comment was "Magma come louder!" (Alan B. Combs) When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?" (Pastor Tim) So few people know the Bible nowadays. I was standing downtown waiting on a bus. It was raining cats and dogs. A lady was standing next to me so I tried to be friendly and make conversation. 'If it keeps it up, we'll all have to buy an ark," I said. "What's an ark?" she asked. 'You mean you haven't heard about Noah and the great flood and all those animals?" I asked incredulously. "Look, mister," she replied, "I've only been in town for four days. I've scarcely had time to read a paper." (Kevin Rayner) ================================================================ >--From The Jokester: A guy walks into the doctor's office. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home,'" he says. Replies the doctor, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" the patient asks. And the doctor answers, "It's Not Unusual." -<>- ____ 3 ., _ ' `_ _______ --+-[---------.---(-)-----(@)----|-------|---.-----|-------------.- | ] | |~ |~ (@) _ | | |} | --+-[-----|---+---|-------|--|--(@)----------+-----|----------|}-+- |/ | | | | | |~ (@) _ | | _| .. | | --Y-------|---+---|-------|--|--|---|---(@))-+-|>( )------|---|--+- /|_ _| | `=_| | | |~ | ~ |>(@) | |-@-)---(@)---+-----------------|---|---|---+-------------------+- \_|/ ~ | | | | | --+-----------"-------------------------|----"-------------------"- | ._} --jw Musical Instruments 101 * Since the black keys on a piano are the hardest to learn if you painted them white would it be easier to learn how to play the piano? * How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? * Was the piano invented just so the musician would have a place to put his/her beer? * Is it true that the reason bagpipe players walk while they play is that they are trying to get away from the noise? * Do you get A flat minor if you drop a piano down a mine- shaft? * What is the difference between a violin and a fiddle? * Are some instruments in a drum-and-bugle corps purely cymbolic? * Do people who play the washboard think of it as playing an acoustic washing machine? * Why is a mute called a mute when you can still hear the music? * Did you know that the piano we play today was first called the 'pianoforte'? And that this actually means quietloud? Doesn't this mean that a small one should be called a piano while a large one should be called a forte? * If you buy a set of drums, will there be repercussions? * Why is Chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with? * How come you always hear about organ donors but there's nary a mention of piano donors? * What did bagpipers play before that guy wrote "Amazing Grace"? * Can you fiddle with a violin? -<>- >Funny Answers from Students on Music Exams , |\ __ | | |--| __ |/ | | |~' /|_ () () | //| \ |\ () | \|_ | | \ jgs \_|_/ () | | | @' () The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. A harp is a nude piano. The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up. An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next. The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork. Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of. Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. ================================================================== >-->Fun Places To Net Visit :) Best Movie Mistakes http://www.moviemistakes.com/best.php Complete recipes http://www.completerecipes.com/ Connect The Dots Game http://www.athey-educational.co.uk/games/game5/game5.htm Math World http://mathworld.wolfram.com/ Square America - In The Booth http://www.squareamerica.com/pb1.htm -<>- >From The MouthPiece: ALL BUT FORGOTTEN OLDIES If you are a fan of the oldies, you will appreciate this site. Find any forgotten oldies song with their easy-to- use alphabetical listing, or search by song title. Visit: ALL BUT FORGOTTEN OLDIES -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Carolyn with /The Downy Chicks http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/Fun/TheDownyChicks.html Do You Remember Me? Via Mary http://www.roty.com/DoYouRememberMe/DoYouRememberMe.HTML BibleStudy: Orientalisms Of The Bible 1 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/orientalisms1.html Ken w / Suppertime http://gospelman.info/christian/Suppertime.html Fed issues new Salmonella outbreak info and actions. Click for details... http://www.emergencyemail.org/newsemergency/anmviewer.asp?a=250&z=1 Etch-a-Sketch art done by Jeff Gagliardi Via Dianne http://www.etch-a-sketchartist.com/paintings.php Heroes of the Old West by Ron Liebermann Via Dianne http://www.lewrockwell.com/liebermann/liebermann7.html Grain Harvesting 1931 http://www.vaes.vt.edu/steeles/mccormick/harvest.html If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ================================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Hillary Clinton's name was mention 12 times the other night at the Republican debate. Twelve times! Of course, Hillary was stunned. She's not used to guys yelling out her name." - Jay Leno "Here's a sign of fall: Today, Marion Jones tested positive for cider." - David Letterman "The world's oldest bowler turned 106. When asked how he feels, the bowler said, 'At 106, I'm just trying to keep my balls out of the gutter'." - Conan O'Brien "Kiefer Sutherland has pleaded no contest to his drunk driving charge and will serve 48 days in jail starting in December — 48 days. Or as Paris Hilton calls that, 15 consecutive life sentences." - Jay Leno "Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him 'uneven, flat, and dull.' In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate." - Conan O'Brien "Esquire magazine named the sexiest woman alive: Charlize Theron. She had some tough competition: Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Orlando Bloom..." - Craig Ferguson ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSEE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Seervice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR Send a BLANK email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************