Oreo Cookies And More... :) Shangy!
>Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList:
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Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
adult club in the love and romance directory so
you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!
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or email me here:
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================
>-->In The 'Shangy' News :)
_____
_/__|_,\__ aaaah _O
|,-.___,-. ) _____ _o' @ __ (`
( O ) ( O ) _/__|_,\__ /` __( `> ____|_,\_ |>
,`-'/_~`-'/) |,-.___,-._) /> )-.)/\-. |,-.___,-.| ,|.
`===---===-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-'
We've noticed that when the web site gets heavy traffic, an error
999 page comes up or most or all the photos don't display. This
usually corrects after a few minutes but you may have to reload
or refresh your browser to get the photos to display. Sometimes
people say that they can't get them to display properly for an
hour or more. I've contacted the site provider and Yahoo says it
is our individual internet server provider causing the problem,
but I don't agree that mine and many others would all be having
the same problem at the same time with just my web site. The site
is really way too big to be moving especially not knowing if I'd
have the same problem once I did move it. So for now, I am sorry
for any inconvenience you may experience. I can only hope that
Yahoo will eventually correct this problem. I'm at a loss to do
anything about it.
-<>-
>-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This first super hottie is from our friend PatDeE. I was checking
the web site page hits and was surprised to see that the page Pat
had originally sent us, 'Akiane Child Prodigy', had received over
2 million page hits. I decided that another page should be done to
bless those interested in her progress and to continue to be a
good witness for the Gospel of Jesus Christ our Lord. Check it
out here...
______
| O |
| ,|._ |
| `A _|__
|__|\_\ \ O
\ ._|.)
\___A
_|_ |\ SSt
Akiane Thru The Years
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/prodigy2.html
---
...She just totally leaves me awestruck! Thank You Again PatDeE!
Our second hot tottie is from our friend RichardF. This one so
surprised me, I thought it was fake so I had to look it up. God's
awesome creation continues to amaze me! Check this out here...
_-_
/~~ ~~\
/~~ ~~\
{ }
\ _- -_ /
~ \\ // ~
_- - | | _- _
_ - | | -_
// \\
unknown
Rainbow Eucalyptus Tree
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rainbowtree.html
---
...Now I know where they get colorful art paper! Thanks RichardF!
-<>-
>Comment from our friend Johanna on my comment:
'Sounds good to me! We just got Paul's mom out of one that was charging
$5,000 a month for a bed in a non-private small room, no tv, and no
private bathroom. That's like $497 a day! What are they thinking?
What a scam!'
I think it should be $166.66 a day!
---
_____________________
| _________________ |
| | JO 3.141592654 | |
| |_________________| |
| __ __ __ __ __ __ |
| |__|__|__|__|__|__| |
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| |__|__|__|__|__|__| |
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| |__|__|__|__|__|__| |
| ___ ___ ___ ___ |
| | 7 | 8 | 9 | | + | |
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| | 4 | 5 | 6 | | - | |
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| | . | 0 | = | | / | |
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|_____________________|
...Wow, I can't divide worth anything! Never was a math wiz! HaHa!
Please - don't ask how I got that figure! I know I used a
calculator too! LOL! Oh well, Thanks Johanna!
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone:
How Do YOU Eat An Oreo Cookie?
_.:::::._
.:::'_|_':::.
/::' --|-- '::\ Psychologists have discovered that the manner
|:" .---"---. ':| in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great
|: ( O R E O ) :| insight into their personalities. Choose which
|:: `-------' ::| method best describes your favorite method of
\:::.......:::/ eating Oreo's:
jgs':::::::::::'
`'"""'`
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite
afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing...
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with,
exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time...
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their
Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's ok, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical...
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very
meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of
being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast
lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverish Nibbles...
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always
have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental
break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would
do you good.
5. Dunked...
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar
coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good
ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You
have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then the cookie...
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things
apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them
back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities.
You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive
liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then toss the cookie...
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you
want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack
feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's
ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside...
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them...
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help
immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies...
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and
go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the
things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like
to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE SEPTEMBER HOLIDAYS ------------+
September 17 is National Apple Dumpling Day
September 18 is National Play-doh Day
September 19 is National Butterscotch Pudding Day
September 20 is National Punch Day
September 21 is World Gratitude Day and International Banana Festival
September 22 is Hobbit Day and Dear Diary Day
September 23 is Checkers Day and Dogs In Politics Day
===========================================================
>-->Tips From Our Friend Jo Ann :)
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/ /______/ / |
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|_______________________|/ ||
| \****/ \__,,__/ ||
|===\**/ __,,__ || Joe Jacques
|______________\====/%____||
| ___ /~~~~\ % / |
_| |===|=== / \%_/ |
| | |###| |########| | /
|____\###/______\######/__|/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Better than paper towels - COFFEE FILTERS
Who knew! And you can buy 1,000 at the Dollar Tree for $1.00,
even the large ones.
1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Coffee
filters make excellent covers.
2. Clean windows, mirrors, and chrome... Coffee filters are
lint-free so they'll leave windows sparkling.
3. Protect China by separating your good dishes with a coffee filter
between each dish.
4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a
wine bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.
5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet
to absorb moisture and prevent rust.
6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter.
7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined
with a coffee filter.
8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter
on a kitchen scale.
9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods.
10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot
with a coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the
drainage holes.
11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed
in a coffee filter.
12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows? Use strips
of coffee filters..
13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, French fries,
chicken fingers, etc on them.. It soaks out all the grease.
14. Keep in the bathroom. They make great "razor nick fixers.."
15. As a sewing backing. Use a filter as an easy-to-tear backing for
embroidering or appliqueing soft fabrics.
16. Put baking soda into a coffee filter and insert into shoes or a
closet to absorb or prevent odors.
17. Use them to strain soup stock and to tie fresh herbs in to put in
soups and stews.
18 Use a coffee filter to prevent spilling when you add fluids to your
car.
19. Use them as a spoon rest while cooking and clean up small counter
spills.
20. Can use to hold dry ingredients when baking or when cutting a piece
of fruit or veggies. Saves on having extra bowls to wash.
21. Use them to wrap Christmas ornaments for storage.
22. Use them to remove fingernail polish when out of cotton balls.
23. Use them to sprout seeds. Simply dampen the coffee filter, place
seeds inside, fold it and place it into a zip-lock plastic bag until
they sprout.
24. Use coffee filters as blotting paper for pressed flowers. Place the
flowers between two coffee filters and put the coffee filters in phone
book.
25. Use as a disposable "snack bowl" for popcorn, chips, etc.
26. Great in the tool room when separating nails and screws then use
in to bottom of containers to remove moisture and prevent rust.
/*/OH YEAH THEY ARE GREAT TO USE IN YOUR COFFEE MAKERS TOO/*
---
...Super ideas! Thanks Jo Ann!
===========================================================
>-->From Our Friend KarenF :)
,-`"-=')
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`-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._)
gpyy
>Classic excuses from parents!
Their spelling....not mine!
"Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday.
She was in bed with gramps."
"Please excuse Johnnie for being.
It was his father's fault."
"Chris will not be in school because
he has an acre in his side."
"John has been absent because he
had two teeth taken off his face."
"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."
"Lillie was absent from school yesterday
because she had a going over."
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not
take fizical ed. Please execute him."
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he
was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because
she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school.
He has very loose vowels."
"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she
had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her
brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu
going around, her father even got hot last night."
"Please excuse Blanche from jim today.
She is administrating."
"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."
"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."
"Please excuse Sara for being absent.
She was sick and I had her shot."
"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."
"Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had Diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*),
dyah (*crossed out*), the s'bleep's."
---
...LOL! Oh my! Thanks KarenF!
-<>-
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jrei '''::::'''
>Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was hitchhiking on a dark
night in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car
went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead
of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the
car and closed the door ... only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere
through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or
harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when
everybody realized he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two men walked in from the dark and
stormy night. Like John, they were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other ... “Look Paddy ... there's that frocking idiot that got in
the car while we were pushing it!”
---
...TeeHee! Thanks KarenF!
==========================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
[Politics]
>From Our Friend JoeL :)
President Supports Islam but has Repeatedly Trashed Christianity
http://tinyurl.com/9bw4jpl
The real cause of the Chicago strike
http://tinyurl.com/9u9r6nt
Government Gone Wild
http://tinyurl.com/3kvkmen
---
...Interesting! Thanks JoeL!
-<>-
>From Conservative Videos
Romney Slams Obama Over Embassy Attacks
http://tinyurl.com/8n2mmcc
-<>-
>From PatriotUpdate:
Anti-Islam Filmmaker Donated Million Dollars to Obama Campaign
http://tinyurl.com/9dlpxfz
-<>-
>From ConservativeByte:
Egypt's Muslim Brotherhood President Leads, Obama Follows
http://tinyurl.com/9elbvlq
-<>-
>From PoliticalOutcast:
To Whom does the First Amendment Apply?
http://tinyurl.com/9cm383c
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
Your ex-husband and his new girlfriend move right next door
to you. You teach your cockatoo to swear at them. That's
the Rhode Island way.
A Rhode Island woman has been accused by her neighbors of
violating an animal-noise ordinance by training her cockatoo
to cuss.
Lynne Taylor is accused of training the bird, Willy, to say
expletives.
The bird allegedly aimed the invectives at the neighbors, who
happen to be Taylor's ex-husband and his girlfriend.
A municipal judge on Thursday denied Taylor's request to
dismiss the case.
The neighbors, Kathleen Melker and Craig Fontaine, say they
have been subjected to repeated curses from the bird, at one
point for 15 minutes at a time.
The animal noise ordinance imposes a small fine on any pet
owner whose animal creates habitual noise. A judge has issued
restraining orders telling both women to have no contact.
*-- Elvis' dirty underwear fails to sell --*
STOCKPORT, England - A British auction house said a pair
of unwashed underpants worn by Elvis Presley failed to
sell at a weekend auction. Omega Auctions in Stockport,
England, said the blue briefs -- which feature a slight
stain in the crotch area -- were expected to sell for
$16,000 at the auction but only attracted a high bid of
$8,000, far less than the $11,200 reserve price, The
Independent reported Monday. The auction house said the
underpants, which were among 100 pieces of Elvis memora-
bilia being sold at the auction to mark the 35th anniver-
sary of his death, were worn by the performer under one
of his iconic white jumpsuits during a 1977 concert.
*-- S.D. marathoner only ran half the race --*
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. - Organizers of the Sioux Falls Marathon
in South Dakota said they disqualified a runner as the
winner after realizing he only ran half the race. The
Sioux Falls Argus Leader reported that while Olok Nykew,
37, a St. Paul, Minn., resident who is originally from
Sudan, crossed the finish line first Sunday morning,
officials determined he had run the half-marathon course,
not the full 26.2-mile marathon course. The companion
events followed separate, but sometimes overlapping,
routes through the city before ending at the same spot.
The marathoners wore black numbers and the half-marathoners
wore red. Nykew who came in 25 minutes faster than the
event's record, was wearing a black number but finished
among runners wearing red ones. "He registered for the
marathon and ended up running the half and came in 25
minutes before the record," assistant race director Jason
Richards told the newspaper. "They figured it out and
disqualified him." Nykew expressed confusion and said he
realized when he reached the finish line so quickly some-
thing must have gone wrong. "I thought, what is this? When
I got there, I thought it was not long enough. I'm think-
ing I'm not cheating. I was just confused. It was an
honest mistake," he said. The real winner was Justin
Gillette, 29, of Goshen, Ind., who broke the event record
he set last year with a time of 2 hours, 30 minutes and
10 seconds.
*-- Teen posed as cop in shoplifting scheme --*
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - A Florida teenager who admitted to
posing as a police officer as part of a scheme to shoplift
from a Walmart with a friend described himself as "stupid."
The 17-year-old, whose name was not released, admitted to
WPBF-TV, West Palm Beach, Fla., he wore a pellet gun on
his hip and flashed a badge Monday at the Walmart in Port
St. Lucie to "arrest" a 14-year-old friend he described to
employees as a shoplifting suspect. However, an employee
was suspicious and followed the boys to the parking lot,
where the older teenager was seen releasing the younger
boy. Police said the younger teen had taken several
packages of Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards from the store. "I
mean, everybody's stupid, just not like this," the 17-year-
old told WPBF-TV. He has been charged with shoplifting,
impersonating a police officer and resisting arrest with-
out violence. The 14-year-old was arrested on charges of
shoplifting and resisting arrest without violence.
*-- Man got store credit for stolen toilet --*
SOMERSET, Pa. - Pennsylvania State Police said they arrest-
ed a man caught on camera stealing a toilet from a store
and immediately returning the item for store credit.
Investigators said Bobby Clifford Smith?III, 32, was caught
on camera Aug. 28 taking the toilet from a Lowes home
improvement store in Somerset and going directly to the
customer service line, where he exchanged the toilet for
$667.34 in store credit without presenting a receipt, the
Johnstown (Pa.) Tribune-Democrat reported Thursday. Smith
was arraigned Tuesday on a retail theft charge and held in
lieu of $30,000 bail.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Bunni :)
____ ____
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,\\\\\ | /////,
__ \ .--. .--. / __
___\/ ' | ' \/___
-- _, ! | ! ,_ --
/ '! | !' \
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1# ! \ 0|0 / ! #1
!# \ '--; ;--' / #!
` `\ `-' /` `
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`-___________-`
[Mash]
>Funnies...
>Scheming
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could
go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be
paid for going.
"A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to
M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for
two million dollars.
"I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the
other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1
million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
-<>-
>Office Manager
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to
come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I
refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, and
Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
-<>-
__ __
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SSt`-'-''
This is very interesting and not the ending I had expected. Really
makes you think......
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our
small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting
newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was
quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young
mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from
evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our
storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with
adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he
always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even
seemed able to predict the future!
He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me
laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad
didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing
each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the
kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the
stranger to leave)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger
never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our
friends or any visitors. Our visitor, however, got away with four-letter
words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger
encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look
cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too
freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes
suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my
parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our
family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he
was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you
would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to
listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?.... We just call him 'TV.'
(Note: This should be required reading for every household in America!)
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer'
---
...HaHa! Great lesson! Thanks Bunni!
Oh Yes, and their child? ....We just him 'Texting'!
==========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Johanna :)
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((|)))))
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'-,_ |_\
( '"'-`
gpyy \(\_\
As recently as in 1983, President Ronald Reagan summarized this
traditional belief of America's leaders, "The American experiment in
democracy rests on this insight. Its discovery was the great triumph of
our Founding Fathers, voiced by William Penn when he said: 'If we will
not be governed by God, we must be governed by tyrants.' Explaining the
inalienable rights of men, Jefferson said, 'The God who gave us life,
gave us liberty at the same time.' And it was George Washington who
said that 'of all the dispositions and habits which lead to political
prosperity, religion and morality are indispensable supports.'"
Source: American News Commentary, Feb. 29 2012
Blogspot. http://www.evangelical-viewpoint.com/.
---
...Well said! Thanks Johanna!
==============================================================
>-->From Our Friend PatDeE :)
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_\/ \0| |0/ \/_
/ \ .-----. / \
| /_.-\ /-._\ |
\|/ '--;' \|/
| / \ |
| `\'.___\ |
; \ | ;
\ \'-\ /
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\ /
jgs ____\_ _/____
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'-, ^ ,-'
/ ___ \
/ --- \
>My 2013 travel plans
My inconclusive travel plans for 2013… I have been in many places, but
I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to
be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to
be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends,
family, and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not
too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to
visit there… too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand
firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting
older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was
in. It's an age thing.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the
year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one
unstable person. My job is done!
Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh
insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly!
From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your
head-- we're all doing pretty well in mine!
"Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't come to
yours." --Yogi Berra
Anything war can do, peace can do better.
---
...LOL! Good ones! Thanks PatDeE!
==============================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
o _
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\ \ | /
Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors
found in high school essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and
now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature
Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog
makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty
bag filled with vegetable soup.
>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced
across a grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like
a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
-<>-
,-----.
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Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and
I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o'
bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a
dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore....they
got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
-<>-
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed
to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.
"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought
cars for $500!"
"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have
to drive $500 cars."
-<>-
When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same
stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as
guilty.
"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You
repeat."
-<>-
Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something
really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized,
they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done.
"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep
bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and
forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that
I've forgiven and forgotten."
-<>-
__
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Kamuiyoo / VK
While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and
wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of
them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if
they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.
"Oh, sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures
left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."
-<>-
A woman in my office recently divorced after years of
marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.
"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.
"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked
to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any
problem. I did that for 12 years."
-<>-
When my friend spotted a blind man and his guide dog at a
crosswalk, she stopped her car and waved them on.
"Uh, Cynthia," I said, "he can't see you."
"I know that," she said indignantly. "I'm waving the dog on."
===========================================================
>-->From JokeCentral:
>It's Punny!
TOM SWIFTIES:
( ,&&&.
) .,.&&
( ( \=__/
) ,'-'.
( ( ,, _.__|/ /|
) /\ -((------((_|___/ |
( // | (`' (( `'--|
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(_;-// | \ \-'.\ <_,\_\`--'|
( `.__ _ ___,') <_,-'__,'
jrei `'(_ )_)(_)_)'
"I like those cookie things Girl Scouts make at campouts," said Tom
wanting s'more. (Harry Farkas)
"The number of people not attending class today really bothers me,"said
the professor absent-mindedly (Gill Krebs).
"I just lit the firecracker," said Pop loudly.(John Fuller)
"My boss told me that if I take any more days off because of illness, he
won't be paying me for them," Tom said lackadaisically. (Glenn Gardner)
"My compliments to the company that makes the Macintosh computer" said
Tom applaudingly. (Gill Krebs)
"A man's home is his castle," Homer said in a manor of speaking. (Stan
Kegel)
"I can only wear European clothes," Tom said, importantly. (PANews)
"You! You've eaten the forbidden fruit!" Tom insinuated. (Phil Hudson)
"You must render the sauce to half the original volume," Tom said with
great concentration. (Stan Kegel)
"I will not splurge on a circuit-breaker," Tom refused.(Gill Krebs)
"Stand between the two girls for the photograph," Tom interposed (Stan
Kegel)
"And this is a toilet seat," Tom went on. (Gill Krebs)
_
|_| | |_/ _ _ (_) _ |
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Stef
BLOOPERS:
"Marijuana Issue Sent To Joint Committee" (Toronto Star)
Ad: "Kinney Shoe Stores. We sell only the right shoe." (Richard Lederer)
Newscaster: "Accident on freeway involves 4 cars, hospitalizes one.
(Kermit Schafer)
Ad; "Use our medicine and you can kiss your hemorrhoids goodbye."
(Richard Lederer)
"Chicago Checking On Elderly In Heat" (Boston Globe)
On a Calif. TV station: "Winners in the local art show will be hung in
the art museum for a month following the show." (MeMail)
Ad: Admission Free All Day. Half Price After 6:30 PM (Orange County
Register)
"Wives Kill Most Spouses In Chicago" (Florida Times Union)
"It is important for pollution inspectors to personally pass drinking
water" (David Frost)
Want Ad: Piano Would suit beginner with chipped legs. (Marina)
POETRY
As after the fall
The sly snake consoled Adam
"You can't venom all!"
(John S. Crosby)
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played;
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when one day he passed away
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived
They claimed he never died!
(Faye)
Women who say sighs
Matters not, still will leave a
Known prawn untended
(Gary Hallock)
DAILIES:
An astronaut gets to take a turn as a whirled traveler. (Pun of the
Day encore)
Training the mongrel turned out to be his pet project. (Jumble)
When he offered her the ring, she reacted with an engaging smile. (Jumble)
How can you compare the United States' transportation system to a
trained daffodil? America is clearly a car nation. (The Big Pun)
He was facinated by his new welding job. It was riveting. (Pun of the
Day)
The police can do a search if it's warranted. (Pun of the Day encore)
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a
convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a judge by
his cover! (Pun of the Day encore)
What do you call a monk who has had a sex change operation?
A transsister. (Very Punny)
He got measles in jail when he broke out one night. (Pun of the Day)
Britain is a wet place since the queen has had a long reign (Pun of the
Day encore)
The artist enjoyed the poker game because he drew well. (Jumble)
Those who sell topsoil have definitely hit pay dirt. (Pun of the Day)
Every so often railroad conductors have to go for re-training (Pun of
the Day encore)
Before the big exam, the medical students boned up. (Jumble)
One horse said to another, “Your pace is familiar but I don't remember
the mane.” (Pun of the Day)
After a while, their daily stroll along the ocean became a board
walk. (Jumble)
After hearing the case of the woman who folded her clothes wrong, the
jury had no choice but to hanger. (The Big Pun)
-<>-
Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately
fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she
announces, "I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the
dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words,
'cheese' and 'liver.'"
The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love cheese and
liver."
"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh, I hate
cheese and liver?"
The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other
sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"
The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, "Liver
alone! Cheese mine!"
-<>-
.======================================.
| ___ ___ ___ _ _ _ |
| \_/ \_/ \_/ C|||C|||C||| |-| |-| |-| |
| _|_ _|_ _|_ ||| ||| ||| |_| |_| |_| |
'===================================== ,sSSSs
DUFFY'S WATERING HOLE SSSS "(
.:. SSS@ =/ \~/
C|||' SSSS_(_ _Y_
___|||______________________________SS/ _)_) /.-
[____________________________________] \ /\//
| ____ ____ ____ ____ | \|==(\_/
| (____) (____) (____) (____) | (/ ;
| | | | | | | | | | |____|
| | | | | | | | | | \ |\
| | | | | | | | | | ) ) )
| |____| |____| |____| |____| | ( |/
| I====I I====I I====I I====I | /\ |
jgs | | | | | | | | | /.(=\
Y\_\
A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he
finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if
I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his
table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred
dollars??? What do you mean $200?!!"
-<>-
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| || | || || || |||
|_||__ __|_|| ||_____|| _|||
jgs (____)) (:;:;)) ||-----|| ((___)
>FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT
"I finished the Oreos."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid
weighs forty pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela
Lee had a baby."
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay like that!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl."
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your own ice cream."
"Got milk?"
Can you think of any fatalities?
-<>-
>Things You Don't Want To Hear At A Tattoo Parlor
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 O's in Bob, right?"
"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a
nice waving effect."
"Ooooooops!"
-<>-
_,---.
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>A Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that
occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally
becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the
groceries,washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes,
diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned
everything up, but he "made the dinner".
Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go
through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to
hold your hand and say "focus...breathe....push...."
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance
designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy
at a convenience store to go with a half pound
bag of peanut M&M's.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two
minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down
a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you
spend half an hour writing, then forget to take
with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who
is able to create a style you will never be
able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to
a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't
coming out anytime soon.
Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb
meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children,
a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when
you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a
card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. --
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will
not come off if you try to remove it.
-<>-
___
/ \
| |
| | /~~~\
_____\___/_____ | |
| | | |
| | | | __\___/__
| | | | ,' `,
| | | | | | | |
| | | | | ,' `, |
| | | | ,' | | `,
|__| | |__| | | | |
| | | `\,' `,/'
| | | | |
| | | `-----------'
| | | | | |
| | | Normand | | |
| | | Veilleux | | |
| | | | | |
|___|___| |__|__|
>SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the
cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants'
restroom doors. (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.) but
every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband, Dave wandered off in search of the men's room
and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One labelled
"Bronco", and the other was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled he stopped a restaurant employee passing by,
"Excuse me: I need to use the restroom" Dave said. Gesturing towards
the doors, he asked "Which one should I use? "Actually, we would
prefer you to go down there," the employee said pointing to a door
down the hall marked "Men" "Bronco and Cactus are private dining
rooms."
-<>-
_
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>The Bully
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking,
minding his own business when all of a sudden this
great big dude comes in and --WHACK!! -- He knocks
him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate
chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on
the stool and starts drinking again when all of a
sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN
and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this so he
leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes
back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his
stool out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says,
"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar
from Sears."
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
A Kairos Moment!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/kairosmoment.html
Quit Smoking!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/quitsmoking.html
Earth In Perspective!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/earth.html
Fawn Rescue!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fawnrescue.html
Rescued Squirrel!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/rsquirrel.html
Driftwood Horses!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/horses.html
Amazing Dog Houses!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doghouses.html
Angel Falls!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angelfalls.html
Designer Toilet Paper!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/designertp.html
Did You See That?
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/seethat.html
Dick Clark's House!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dclark.html
Ocean Exploration!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ocean.html
Leopard Vs Crocodile!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/leopard.html
Tierpark Leopard Cubs!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/leopardcubs.html
World's Largest Rodent!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/caplin.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend PatDeE :)
Reach 100 Million Children for Christ!
http://tinyurl.com/8e4dp6v
---
...Wow! Great link! Thanks PatDeE!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Bunni :)
Mugsy the cat - alligator fighter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Duqvb-IRv9c
---
...LOL! Love this! Looks like my Stripe and Fluffy cats. Thanks Bunni!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Linda :)
Batman's Joker in SALT
http://www.wimp.com/saltjoker
---
...So Cool! The ending is shocking! Thanks Linda!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Jo Ann :)
Give a listen to our National Anthem...!
This band sings an updated version that will knock
your socks off ... A Navy vet sings the lead.
Madison Rising - The Star Spangled Banner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8C7i9kdEf8&feature=player_embedded
---
...So upbeat! Awesome! Thanks Jo Ann!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Wesley!
ripped : learn touch typing
http://tinyurl.com/8n2ov7q
---
...Wow, great! Thanks Wesley!
Visit Melissa's Online Store
You can get anything you want (except for Melissa ) at
the online store
http://pdhomes.net/mall/babylissa/mySTORES/ISELL4.html
==============================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"NASCAR is trying some new initiatives to go green, including
planting trees and using ethanol fuel. Most controversial is
the idea of having NASCAR drivers carpool in the race."
-Conan O'Brien
"There was meteor sighting across several states. I spent
the whole morning in the desert looking for a baby Superman,
but couldn't find one." -Jimmy Kimmel
"A new study found that a mother's diet affects her baby's
allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats."
-Jimmy Fallon
"I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real
medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth
and give you food that would give you dysentery."
-Craig Ferguson
"According to the 'Wall Street Journal', researchers at
Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates
obesity. They said if it wasn't for our brains, we would
all be thin. That's why supermodels are so skinny."
--Jay Leno
"Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like
this focus on paying for things. That's what future
generations are for." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Grandparents complain that their families don't call them.
But in their defense, a lot of the time that people call,
grandparents answer the blender." -Craig Ferguson
"Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up
charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for
shipping and handling." -David Letterman
"The University of Chicago is hosting an academic conference
called 'Jersey Shore Studies.' Meanwhile in Korea, students
are learning something called 'math.'" -Jimmy Kimmel
"Apparently the recession ended last June. So for those of
you that are still broke and without a job, it's all in
your head." -Jay Leno
"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or
Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit."
-Conan O'Brien
"Instead of sending in a written resume, a man in California
recently got a job because of a YouTube video he made. As
opposed to most people, who lose their job because of a
YouTube video they made." -Jimmy Fallon
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
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http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
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-->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN
HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN!
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
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-->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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