Philosophy 101... :) Shangy >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This hot new page is from our friend Karen. These Horticultural exhibitions are absolutely amazing! They are larger than life and simply take your breath away when you realize they are all living plants! Check this one out here... .-------------------.__ /` ( I don't get paid ) O/ __ ( enough for this #@#$!% ) / / / `---O-------------------' O/ O/O/ o o _ . ,---. oOO___;-`-._,.,-. _.._,' __ `. ______| |_|| | (___ ;' `. ; /' / .' `'`-' ``\\ / ; ; / / ,,))\ ,' ,' _,'`\/ `---' ; ; ; `. `. __,-' ,------`--`---. ((( _ _ __) .',' ' `. -------. |\\//\\//\\//\\//\| `. |//\\//\\//\\//\\/| | |\\//\\//\\//\\//\| ________/ \\\_\___________/ jv Montreal Mosaicultures Show 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/montrealshow2.html --- ...These are stunning! Thanks Karen! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Mud Baths At The Spa .-""""""-. A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor .' '. tells him, "I have some very bad news / O O \ for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted : ` : with a fatal and incurable disease." | | So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING : .------. : I can do, doc?" \ ' ' / '. .' "Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and jgs '-......-' start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient. "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Writings on Hospital Charts Actual writings on hospital charts ("Actual"? Mmmm...) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared The patient is tearful and crying constsntly. She also appears to be depressed The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993 Discharge status: Alive but without my permission Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful The patient refused autopsy The patient has no previous history of suicides Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch She is numb from her toes down While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home The skin was moist and dry Occasional,constant infrequent headaches Patient was alert and unresponsive Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized The lab test indicated abnormal lover function The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Skin: somewhat pale but present. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. ======================================================= >-->From Our Friend Fran :) +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ July 20 is Ugly Truck Contest Day July 21 is National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day July 22 is Ratcatcher's Day July 23 is National Vanilla Ice Cream Day July 24 is Amelia Earhart Day July 25 is Threading The Needle Day July 26 is All Or Nothing Day --- ...Teehee! Thanks Fran! ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: | --====|====-- | .-"""""-. .'_________'. /_/_|__|__|_\_\ ;'-._ _.-'; ,--------------------| `-. .-' |--------------------, ``""--..__ ___ ; ' ; ___ __..--""`` jgs `"-// \\.._\ /_..// \\-"` \\_// '._ _.' \\_// `"` ``---`` `"` >Airport Garage Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car." Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself." "No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!" Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard. Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours." -<>- >The Best Bug Killer A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes with the explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest cigarettes. We hope you enjoy them and will want more." After several months the tobacco company received this reply from Dave... I got your cigarettes and soaked them in a quart of water which I sprayed on my bug-infested rose bushes. Every bug died! These cigarettes make the best poison ever! Please send me some more next year, in case any bugs survived. Thanks, Dr. Dave Smith -<>- ,-"-. ,' .----. _________ `. ,' ) (@)__))___) |`-.-'| # \\ `---' ^ hjw >Evaluation Excerpts These are excerpts from college course evaluation forms: 1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room." 2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high." 3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!" 4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him." 5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree." 6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it." 7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material." 8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had ... He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure." 9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree." 10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose-spraying in all directions - no way to stop it." 11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets." 12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam." -<>- >Still Open? Late one night I had to visit the convenience store. Unsure that it would still be open, I called. "What time do you close?" I asked. There was a moment's pause. Then the clerk said, "Ten o'clock. But we start giving dirty looks at quarter to." -<>- >Tough Steak After sawing at his steak with no effect, a restaurant patron called the waiter over and complained about the tough piece of meat. The waiter looked at the customer's plate and announced, "I am very sorry, but I can't take it back because you have already bent it." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) _____ /~/~ ~\ | | \ \ \ \ \ \ \ --\ \ .\'' --==\ \ ,,i!!i, ''"'',,}{,, unknown >SMILES After standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles for what felt like eons, my brother, James, finally got to the counter. As the clerk typed his name into the computer, she said, "That's odd." "What's wrong?" James asked. "My computer says you're deceased," Surveying his surroundings, James muttered, "Great. I died and went to hell." -------- Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone." -------- A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more." -------- A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day--actually, they're all hot--he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, "However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Anxious to get to town, the man says, "Sure, okay" and gets on the horse. He says, "Thank God" and sho 'nuff, the horse starts walking. A bit later he says louder, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God! Thank God! THANK GOD!" and the horse is soon up to a full run! About then he realizes he's heading for a huge cliff and yells "Whoa!" But the horse doesn't even slow! It's coming up REAL QUICK and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers "AMEN!!!" The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff's edge, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. "Oh!" he says, gasping for air, "Thank God." ------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's heavy.' -------- \\\\ c oo | .U __=__ ,,, |. __|___ oo ; ||_/ / / U= _ 0 \_/__/__E o /. .| | (___ || |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'----'~| I---||| |-----------------------| I ||| | c(__) | ^ '--'' ^ ^ Petrus A doctor approached a teenage boy's hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting. The doctor started to introduce himself, but the boy yelled, "I can't see! I can't see!" The doctor had never seen a more classic example of hysterical blindness. He asked the boy's mother, "How long has this been going on?" Without looking up from her knitting she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the television screen!" -------- An old waiter who had worked at a restaurant since it had opened, suddenly passed away. His heartbroken wife, torn with grief, was swamped with advice from relatives and friends eager to help. She was urged to see fortune-tellers, spiritualists, magicians and cultists. She was told to attend séances where they communicate with the dead. But all these things proved disappointing, and she was getting progressively worse. Finally, her cousin came up with an idea. "I've heard," he said, "that if you want to speak to a dead person, you have to go to the place where he spent most of his time." Having tried everything else, the wife decided to go to the restaurant and try out this theory. She sat down at a table and started calling her husband. "Seymour," she asked, "can you hear me?" "Of course I can hear you," came the low but clear reply. "Seymour, can you speak louder?" "No." "Well then," pleaded his wife, "come a little closer." "Can't." "Well, who not?" "Because that's not my table!" ------- . / \ _\ /_ . . (,'v`.) . . \) ( ) ,' `. ( ) (/ \`. / `-' `-' \ ,'/ : ' _______ ' : | _,-' ,-. `-._ | |,' ( )__`-'__( ) `.| (|,-,'-._ _.-`.-.|) / /<( o)> <( o)>\ \ : : | | : : | | ; : | | | | (.-.) | | | | ,' ___ `. | | ; |)/ ,'---'. \(| : _,-/ |/\( )/\| \-._ _..--'.-( | `-'''-' | )-.`--.._ `. ;`._________,': ,' ,' `/ \'`. `------.------' SSt ' Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. --- ...Uh-Huh! I knew it was something like that! HaHa! Thanks LouiseA! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: [Politics] >From the Tea Party News Trump Just Made EPIC Game Changing Comment About Chattanooga Killings http://tinyurl.com/pn3qoaz -<>- >From MrcTV: http://www.mrctv.org/ Border Sheriff: Obama Has Turned U.S. Into a 'Sanctuary Nation' “With the wave of the president’s hand,” all of the nation’s immigration laws “are now null and void,” Pinal County,... http://email.mrc.org/c/12P9YHbnxwtI4BRg78FLDqaKP -<>- >From CCOA: Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Grassley Makes Inquiries to Attorney General, Planned Parenthood After Video Surfaces in Media Reports http://tinyurl.com/ol55hxp Democrats Raise Tough Questions on Iran Nuclear Deal http://tinyurl.com/ouzhyqd From the Office of Speaker Boehner: Sec Clinton’s Special Email Arrangement Was Not ‘Permitted’ http://tinyurl.com/ouzhyqd -<>- >From BizarreNews: Sure, you can go to Mexico for cheap drugs, cheap dentistry, even cheap surgeries. There was that famous story of the woman who went to Mexico to have her breasts enlarged to 36 double-Hs (or something ridiculous) because no licensed surgeon in the U.S. would do it. But you might want to draw the line at baby deliveries after you read this story. A baby in Mexico, was rushed to a pediatric specialist after medical students cut off his private parts, thinking they were cutting his umbilical cord, according to a complaint filed by the parents. The father of the boy, Diego Rangel Izaguirre, said that doctors tried to cover up the injury by keeping him away from the newborn for hours. Because apparently that is accepted medical practice in Mexico. The mother of the boy said that he should have been left in the care of professionals and not medical students. But never fear; the little tyke had his wee winky sewn back on and hospital officials insist that the baby is healthy and that the operation was minor...even if he ends up with a crooked one later in life. The couple filed an official complaint with the hospital, which has launched an internal investigation. *-- British Columbia cats being shaved by mystery prankster --* CAMPBELL RIVER, British Columbia (UPI) - Residents of a British Columbia town said they are afraid to let their cats wander the neighborhood because someone keeps shaving them. Jo-Jo Yarjau of Campbell River said her 12-year-old cat, Tabby, came home with a square-shaped patch shaved into her belly in January and the feline has since come back with patches of hair missing four more times. "The first time it was the base of her tail as well, and under her belly," Yarjau told CTV News. "It looks like a razor did it because it looks like her nipples were cut, and that's a pretty defining factor of what's going on." Neighbor Vance Assu told the Campbell River Mirror he started noticing patches of fur missing from his 4-year-old cat, Twilight, "in February or March" and the incidents became a regular occurrence. Assu said his family has tried keeping Twilight in the house, but the feline refuses to cooperate. "He doesn't want anything to do with being in here, other than to eat and have a nap," he said, "but even that is very rare. We've tried keeping the litter box inside, but he simply won't use it." Yarjau said Tabby is too old to change her behavior to become a strictly indoor cat. "She'll go crazy. She's 12. You can't just do that all of a sudden," she said. Yarjau said her family only lets Tabby out at night to avoid the shaving, which thus far has only occurred during the day. She said she fears for the feline's life. "We only let her out at night now," she said, "because it's never happened at night. She's not allowed to wander during the day anymore, because one day she just might not come back." *-- Spanish mayor institutes daily nap time for entire city --* ADOR, Spain (UPI) - A Spanish mayor has become the first in the country to issue a proclamation creating an official afternoon nap time for the entire city. Mayor Joan Faus Vitoria of Ador in Valencia declared 2 to 5 p.m. as the official time for the city's residents to take their afternoon siestas. The edict asks residents to keep quiet during the siesta hours and the mayor recommended children be kept inside to prevent noise from traveling into open windows. The mayor said the nap time was chosen due to the high afternoon heat making 2 to 5 p.m. the ideal time to take a break from working in fields. Vitoria said there will be no penalties for violations, and the edict should be treated as "merely a suggestion" rather than an "obligation." A study published in the Endocrine Society's Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism in February espoused the health benefits of an afternoon siesta. "Our data suggests a 30-minute nap can reverse the hormonal impact of a night of poor sleep," said study author Brice Faraut of the Universite Paris Descartes-Sorbonne Paris Cite in France. "This is the first study that found napping could restore biomarkers of neuroendocrine and immune health to normal levels." *-- Medieval justice: Sword thief tackled by wench, held by knight --* LARKSPUR, Colo. (UPI) - A man who allegedly tried to swipe a jouster's sword at the Colorado Renaissance Festival was tackled by two women and held for police by a knight in shining armor. Witnesses said the man jumped into the jousting pen during a demonstration Saturday at the event in Larkspur and ran off with a sword. Steven Chapman, who snapped photos of the incident and posted them to Facebook, said he saw the man being pursued by two women. "A man held a sword and appeared to be playing keep-away with two women. When one of the females shouted for security I realized the moment was serious," Chapman wrote on his blog, TumbleweedTourist.com. "Before onlookers could intervene, one woman ripped the stolen sword from the man and another woman (dressed as a wench) tackled him to the ground, quickly applying a headlock. I photographed the incident from the time of the take-down to when the suspect was led away by authorities." The woman who tackled the man was soon relieved by a knight in shining armor -- the woman's husband. The suspect, identified as Connor Ward, 22, was charged with attempted assault on a police officer, resisting arrest and theft. Police said Ward was drunk and is a friend of the performers who tackled and held him. *-- Florida woman doesn't realize she'd been shot until four days later --* DELAND, Fla. (UPI) - A DeLand, Fla., woman said she thought she had been hit by an errant firecracker while dining with her friends on July 4th, but days later she visited a doctor who found a bullet embedded in her leg. Heather Charlebois was just sitting down at a cafe late Saturday night when she felt a sting on her leg. She and her boyfriend cleaned up her wound in the restaurant's bathroom, but not seeing any blood, they figured she must have been burnt by a firecracker. "My first thought was somebody hit me, slapped me open handed really hard on my leg and pinched me, but it did not make any sense because I didn't see anyone," Charlebois told The Daytona Beach News-Journal. Four days later, when the pain still hadn't gone away, she visited a doctor, who ordered an X-ray and found a .38-caliber bullet embedded about 4 centimeters into her thigh, she told WESH-TV in Orlando, Fla. DeLand police are now trying to figure out who shot the bullet. "Well, it's safe to say that at the moment we don't know where it came from," said DeLand police Sgt. Chris Estes. "There is no indication a gun was fired in close proximity to where she was sitting at this point so, another theory is that it was fired into the air from a distance." In the meantime, doctors say the bullet is too close to a major artery in Charlebois' leg, so they're leaving it where it is. "I feel very fortunate," Charlebois said. "I have four kids and we have been through a lot." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) >fun with words. \ \_ `, ' ')# |/ ? | o )\ /__/\ \____ / \_/ \ / < _____ _> \ ------/___/ ,___/___\--------- / |\/ | b'ger \ /_______| ' IT MAY TAKE A MINUTE FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE, BUT THESE ARE CLEVER!! TAKE YOUR TIME TO THINK ABOUT THEM... 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots 12. PARADOX: Two physicians!! 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!! 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official -<>- /| / | / | / \ / | / \ /______ | _ _ _ /|@/@ \_\__\ \ \\ ///<__ / \ \\ \_ // \\_\|/ \___\\_ \ ______ // __/\__/ / \_ /'-.____\____||/ \/ \_ | <|/\_\\ \ \ \ \ _/ \\_\-\ | \ / \ \__ | ___/ \/_____/| \ \_| | \ / | | |\ \ |____| \ \ / / | |\ \ \`/// / / \ / . \ / . \ / / \_ /_/ _\ | \ | / | \_____| / \ | | \____________/ \ Ascii by |__ | \ \ Latuff98 ___/____| __\ _| L____ __| L____/` An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his mother fainted, and the congregation roared. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen brother! --- ...Oh My! HaHa! He Needs to Walk his Talk! Thanks PatDeE! ======================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: ,-. Life keeps rolling along...... ( O )` ~ - . _ . - ~ ` ~ - . _ . - ~ ` ~ - |`-'| : : : : : : : : | | : : : : : : : : `-'` ~ - . _'. - ~ ` ~ - .'_ . - ~ ` ~ - cww As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband. "What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged. "I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier." -<>- A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?" "Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving." "Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer." -<>- Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water. -<>- My ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" -<>- One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?" -<>- First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo- scope aloud. "Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?" "Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are." ========================================================= >-->From Laugh And Lift: ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy >Philosophy 101 (Author Unknown) "LET ME EXPLAIN THE PROBLEMS science has with Jesus Christ." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand. "You're a Christian, aren't you, son?" "Yes, sir." "So you believe in God?" "Absolutely." "Is God good?" "Sure! God's good." "Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?" "Yes." "Are you good or evil?" "The Bible says I'm evil." The professor grins knowingly. "Ahh! THE BIBLE!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help them? "Would you try?" "Yes sir, I would." "So you're good...!" "I wouldn't say that." "Why not say that? You would help a sick and maimed person if you could...in fact most of us would if we could... God doesn't. [No answer.] "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?" [No answer] The elderly man is sympathetic. "No, you can't, can you?" He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. In philosophy, you have to go easy with the new ones. "Let's start again, young fella." "Is God good?" "Er... Yes." "Is Satan good?" "No." "Where does Satan come from?" The student falters. "From... God..." "That's right. God made Satan, didn't he?" The elderly man runs his bony fingers through his thinning hair and turns to the smirking, student audience. "I think we're going to have a lot of fun this semester, ladies and gentlemen." He turns back to the Christian. "Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?" "Yes, sir." "Evil's everywhere, isn't it? Did God make everything?" "Yes." "Who created evil? [No answer] "Is there sickness in this world? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness. All the terrible things - do they exist in this world? " The student squirms on his feet. "Yes." "Who created them? " [No answer] The professor suddenly shouts at his student. "WHO CREATED THEM? TELL ME, PLEASE! "The professor closes in for the kill and climbs into the Christian's face. In a still small voice: "God created all evil, didn't He, son?" [No answer] The student tries to hold the steady, experienced gaze and fails. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace the front of the classroom like an aging panther. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues, "How is it that this God is good if He created all evil throughout all time?" The professor swishes his arms around to encompass the wickedness of the world. "All the hatred, the brutality, all the pain, all the torture, all the death and ugliness and all the suffering created by this good God is all over the world, isn't it, young man?" [No answer] "Don't you see it all over the place? Huh?" [Pause] "Don't you?" The professor leans into the student's face again and whispers, "Is God good?" [No answer] "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?" The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor. I do." The old man shakes his head sadly. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you? " "No, sir. I've never seen Him." "Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?" "No, sir. I have not." "Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus...in fact, do you have any sensory perception of your God whatsoever?" [No answer] "Answer me, please." "No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't." "You're AFRAID... you haven't?" "No, sir." "Yet you still believe in him?" "...yes..." "That takes FAITH!" The professor smiles sagely at the underling. "According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Where is your God now?" [The student doesn't answer] "Sit down, please." The Christian sits...Defeated. Another Christian raises his hand. "Professor, may I address the class?" The professor turns and smiles. "Ah, another Christian in the vanguard! Come, come, young man. Speak some proper wisdom to the gathering." The Christian looks around the room. "Some interesting points you are making, sir. Now I've got a question for you. Is there such thing as heat?" "Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat." "Is there such a thing as cold?" "Yes, son, there's cold too." "No, sir, there isn't." The professor's grin freezes. The room suddenly goes very cold. The second Christian continues. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be able to go colder than -458. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it." Silence. A pin drops somewhere in the classroom. "Is there such a thing as darkness, professor?" "That's a dumb question, son. What is night if it isn't darkness? What are you getting at...?" "So you say there is such a thing as darkness?" "Yes..." "You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something, it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker and give me a jar of it. Can you...give me a jar of darker darkness, professor?" Despite himself, the professor smiles at the young effrontery before him. This will indeed be a good semester. "Would you mind telling us what your point is, young man?" "Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with and so your conclusion must be in error...." The professor goes toxic. "Flawed...? How dare you...!"" "Sir, may I explain what I mean?" The class is all ears. "Explain... oh, explain..." The professor makes an admirable effort to regain control. Suddenly he is affability itself. He waves his hand to silence the class, for the student to continue. "You are working on the premise of duality," the Christian explains. "That for example there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science cannot even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism but has never seen, much less fully understood them. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, merely the absence of it." The young man holds up a newspaper he takes from the desk of a neighbor who has been reading it. "Here is one of the most disgusting tabloids this country hosts, professor. Is there such a thing as immorality?" "Of course there is, now look..." "Wrong again, sir. You see, immorality is merely the absence of morality. Is there such thing as injustice? No. Injustice is the absence of justice. Is there such a thing as evil?" The Christian pauses. "Isn't evil the absence of good?" The professor's face has turned an alarming color. He is so angry he is temporarily speechless. The Christian continues. "If there is evil in the world, professor, and we all agree there is, then God, if he exists, must be accomplishing a work through the agency of evil. What is that work, God is accomplishing? The Bible tells us it is to see if each one of us will, of our own free will, choose good over evil." The professor bridles. "As a philosophical scientist, I don't view this matter as having anything to do with any choice; as a realist, I absolutely do not recognize the concept of God or any other theological factor as being part of the world equation because God is not observable." "I would have thought that the absence of God's moral code in this world is probably one of the most observable phenomena going," the Christian replies. "Newspapers make billions of dollars reporting it every week! Tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?" "If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do." "Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?" The professor makes a sucking sound with his teeth and gives his student a silent, stony stare. "Professor. Since no-one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a priest?" "I'll overlook your impudence in the light of our philosophical discussion. Now, have you quite finished?" the professor hisses. "So you don't accept God's moral code to do what is righteous?" "I believe in what is - that's science!" "Ahh! SCIENCE!" the student's face splits into a grin. "Sir, you rightly state that science is the study of observed phenomena. Science too is a premise which is flawed..." "SCIENCE IS FLAWED..?" the professor splutters. The class is in uproar. The Christian remains standing until the commotion has subsided. "To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, may I give you an example of what I mean?" The professor wisely keeps silent. The Christian looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out in laughter. The Christian points towards his elderly, crumbling tutor. "Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain... felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain?" No one appears to have done so. The Christian shakes his head sadly. "It appears no-one here has had any sensory perception of the professor's brain whatsoever. Well, according to the rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science, I DECLARE that the professor has no brain." The class is in chaos. The Christian sits... Because that is what a chair is for. SUBSCRIBE INFO Want to receive a Christian inspirational item AND great clean humor in an email to you each day of the week? It's easy and FREE! Read all about Laugh & Lift at http://www.laughandlift.com ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) That's God! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/thatsgod.html Rare Historical Photos http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/historyphotos.html Truth About Work http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/work.html Small Thoughts http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/smallthoughts.html Witty Comebacks http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/comebacks.html Junk Car Parts Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/junkcarart.html Playing With Food 4 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/food4.html Sand Sculpture Art 5 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sandart5.html Beautiful Exotic Birds 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/exoticbirds2.html Grizzly Bear Killed http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/grizzly.html Great White Shark http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/greatwhite.html Walking In Power http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/walkingpower.html -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) This is a happy music vid. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09R8_2nJtjg Friends Furever https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/vnVuqfXohxc?rel=0&%3bshowinfo=0 On a quiet street, in an old downtown, behind an unassuming store front, you'll find a monument to heroes. Each portrait depicts a fallen solder, a child who will never return to their parents but even though they are gone, one dedicated volunteer has adopted them all... It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you Ken "the dauber" Pridgeon and the "Portrait Of A Warrior Memorial Art Gallery". http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=lRGWUFEeXZw&vq=medium --- ...so Touching! Thanks Geniann! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) Motherhood is an instinct almost all animals share. It's as natural as breathing. A mother doesn't think when she sees her children attacked, she jumps right in, and if you think 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned', you should see the fury of this rabbit mother who saw her children being attacked by a snake. Without thinking of herself, she leapt to attack... https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8MHUlVIJy94 God's wonderful wet world. https://www.youtube.com/embed/mcbHKAWIk3I --- ...Nice! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) Classic TV Commercials: 1948, part 3-7 - YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_rbO8v038M UNEXPLAINED AMERICA - UNSOLVED MYSTERIES! http://www.prairieghosts.com/unex_america.html TIM CONWAY - HARVEY KORMAN - Mr. Fix It https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALAG39u67No --- ...LOL! Love It! Thanks Melody! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Comic-Con has officially banned selfie sticks and e-cigarettes, which is too bad. Because now when I see someone smoking an e-cigarette, I have nothing to beat them with." -Conan O'Brien "Tomorrow is a rare day when no professional sporting events will take place in the U.S. It's causing millions of fathers everywhere to ask, 'Why can't your dance recital be today?'" -Seth Meyers "A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose more weight than women that don't drink at all. At least, that's what your wife will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice." -Jimmy Kimmel "We're here in San Diego for Comic-Con. Comic-Con is the only place where you can meet a Superman whose kryptonite is his nut allergy." -Conan O'Brien "Normally you'd get on the plane able to relax. Except you don't because when you have two children under the age of 5. You try to find ways to calm your kids down, but apparently, according to British Airways, those cute little kid-sized bottles of alcohol aren't actually for kids." -James Corden "One of the contestants during last night's Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, 'They make $10 bills?'" -Seth Meyers "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey "What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." --Oscar Levant Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more. >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************