Q And A Quickies And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This smoking hot new page is from our friend LouiseAu. It is sure to tickle your funny bone and give you plenty of smiles and chuckles. Be sure to check it out here: I LOOVEEEE IIIIT... ..... C C / /< / ___ __________/_#__=o /(- /(\_\________ \ \ ) \ )_ \o \ /|\ /|\ |' | | _| /o __\ / ' | / / | /_/\______| ( _( < \ \ \ \ \ | \____\____\ ____\_\__\_\ /` /` o\ |___ |_______|.. . b'ger Celebrities: Who Wore it Better? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrities3.html --- ...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: _________________________ (, ______________________ ) | | || | | @@@@ || @@@@ | | @@@@@@@ || @@@@@@@ | | @@ - - || - @@@@ | | @ c/ || '_ @@@ | | _@| |_ || __\@ \@ | | ( \ )/_\ /_ || _\\ (/ ) @\_/) | | \ \|) / \) || |(__/ / /| | | |\_/ ( -/ || \___/ ----/_| | | / \ || ,: '( | | : _/| || |: \ | | : | || |: ) | | : | || |: | | |_______'____,_|_______|| |_____,_| .---('________________________)--. | / ( |____ __________ _| | /\ ) |___| -o- | |__| -o- | ( \| / |___| -o- | |__| -o- | | /'=. b'ger|________| |__|______| '=>/ \ / \ /|/ ,___/| An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?" Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!" -<>- Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards. Wife: I can't sleep without it. Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Wife: Because I'm hot. Husband: You get hot at the darnest times. Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate. Wife: You don't love me anymore. Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob) Husband: Alright, I'll do it. Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Husband: I can't find it. Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it. Husband: There. Are you satisfied? Wife: Oh, yes, honey. Husband: Is it up far enough? Wife: Oh, that's fine. Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself. -<>- There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The shop assistant said he would go ask his manager about the matter. He said to his manager, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just sluts and hockey players up there." "Really?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?" ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ March 12 is Girl Scouts Day and Plant a Flower Day March 13 is Ear Muff Day and Jewel Day March 14 is Learn about Butterflies Day, National Potato Chip Day and National Pi Day- Why today? Because today is 3.14, the value of Pi. March 15 is Dumbstruck Day, Everything You Think is Wrong Day and Ides of March March 16 is Everything You Do is Right Day, Freedom of Information Day and Incredible Kid Day - date varies March 17 is Corned Beef and Cabbage Day, National Quilting Day, Submarine Day and Saint Patrick's Day March 18 is Goddess of Fertility Day and Supreme Sacrifice Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: \_/ --(_)-- . / \ /_\ |Q| .-----' '-----. __ /____[SCHOOL]___\ ())) | [] .-.-. [] | (((()) ..|____|_|_|____|..................................)(... ldb >School Homework Policy Students are expected to spend 90 minutes per day on homework. The time is allocated as follows: - 15 minutes searching for assignment. - 11 minutes texting a friend about the assignment. - 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. - 8 minutes in the bathroom. - 10 minutes getting a snack. - 7 minutes checking what's on TV. - 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. - 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment. -<>- >Hygiene Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I have decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo." "No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway." -<>- >You've Got Mail Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,"What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!" "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid." I bit my tongue. -<>- >I Want..... A man found a brass lamp, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you any one wish you desire," the genie said. The man replied, "I want a spectacular job. A challenge that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" Said the genie. "You're a pregnant housewife." -<>- >Expanding My Social Sphere I am currently trying to expand my social sphere beyond Twitter and Facebook, while still applying the same principles. Here's how it works: Every day, I go out on the street and tell passers-by what I had for breakfast, how I feel, what I've done recently, where I'm planning to vacation, what I'll be doing today, and what I think about almost everything. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening or spending time in the library. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. Some folks seem to like this and it works: I already have three people following me. Unfortunately, it's two police officers and a psychiatrist. ========================================================= _ _ _____ ____ ____ _ _ ( ) ( ) ( _ ) ( _ \ ( _ \ ( ) ( ) | |_| | | (_) | | |_) )| |_) ) \ \_/ / | _ | | _ | | ,__/ | __/ \ / | | | | | | | | | | | | | | (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) ____ _____ ____ _____ _____ ____ _ ___ _ _ _ ____ ( _ \(_ _) ( _ \ ( _ )(_ _)( _ \ ( ) / _ \ ( ) ( )( )( _ \ | (_(_) | | | |_) )| (_) | | | | (_) )| || ( (_)| |/ / |/ | (_(_) _\__ \ | | | __/ | _ | | | | / | || | _ | , < ' _\__ \ ( )__) | | | _ | | | | | | | | | |\ \ | || (_( )| |\ \ ( )__) | \_____) (_)(_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)(_) \___/ (_) (_) \_____) ____ _____ _ _ __ ( _ \ ( _ )( ) ( ) ( ) | | \ \ | (_) | \ \_/ / | / | | ) )| _ | \ / |/ | |_/ / | | | | | | _ (____/ (_) (_) (_) (_) *** *** ***....** **...*** **........** **.......** *** **..........*.........** *** **.....** **..................** **.....** **.........** **..............** **.........** *..............* *..........* *..............* **..............* *......* *..............** **..............** *....* **..............** *......................................* **..............**........**..............** **..............* *....*....*..............** *..............* *........* ...*..............* **.........** *............* ...**.........** **.....** **...............**....**.....** *** **...................**.....*** **...........*...........**....* **.........* *.........** *......*..*..* *......** **......* *........* ** * * ** *...* * unknown >-->Happy Early St.Patrick's Day! Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fare. _____________ ( ) | | ( ) %%%%%%% |____-----____| ( ) %%%% %%%% | \___/ | ( ) %%%% %%%% _______________________ ( ) %%% %% %%% \\ // ( ) %% %% (o)(o) %% \\__~~~_______~~~__// ( ) %% ____ %% / \ %% |\ |(0) (0)| /| ( ) % / __ \ %% / \ .. ) % |\ \| (. .) |/ /| ___ %% / / \ \ %% /\__/ %% \ ||| , ||| / [ ] % ( \ \ \/%% / % |||| \_______/=============| | %% \ \__ \/ %% __ %% ||||| --- ||||| \_/ % \ \/ /%% /__\ % ||||| ||||| ||||| %% \__ ' /\ %%// \> %% ||||||||||||||||| %% \ /\ \_%% %% ||||||||||||| %%% \_/ \__/%% %%% ||||||||| %%%% %%%% ||||| %%%% %%%% %%%%%%% Mike Jittlov Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: Because it was too far for them to crawl. Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Knock, knock! Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day! ________ .##@@&&&@@##. ,##@&::%&&%%::&@##. #@&:%%000000000%%:&@# #@&:%00' '00%:&@# #@&:%0' '0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# "" ' " " ' "" _oOoOoOo_ .-.-. (oOoOoOoOo) ( : ) )`"""""`( .-.`. .'.-. / \ (_ '.Y.' _) | # | ( .'|'. ) \ / '-' | '-' jgs `=========` Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! Q: What do you call a clumsy Irish dance? A: A jig mistake! Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter! Q: What does Ireland have more of than any other country? A: Irishmen! Cook l: What do you think of my Irish stew? Cook 2: It could use a pinch of Gaelic. Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patty O'furniture! Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: 'Top o' the moaning! Q: What's big and purple and lies next to Ireland? A: Grape Britain! ,-'~~~~-. .-~~~~`-. .' \ / `. ,-'` \ / `-. / , `\/ .' \ ( `\ || /~ ) ~. `\ || /` .~ `~~._____ `\ || /` ____.~~` ___!!!GOOD><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 o o 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ '88'=='88' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \__'8888'__________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@@::;%%&&00' / >< \ .###@@::;%%&&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | | ___LI)||(LI___ | | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ / `-----''-----` '.___________.' Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short. Q: Did you hear about the leprechaun who worked at the diner? A: He was a short-order cook! Q: Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of their height? A: Yeah, but only a little! Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? A: To keep from falling in the stew! Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries? A: Sure, they're great at shorthand! Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? A: He took a shortcut! Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue? A: Short ribs! Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with? A: Because they're very short-tempered! Q: What baseball position do leprechauns usually play? A: Shortstop! Q: What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation? A: A lot of small talk! Q: What did the leprechaun say to the elf? A: How's the weather up there? Knock, knock! Who's there? Warren. Warren who? Warren anything green today? __...._ .-"` `\ / | | | \ | \ __...--'| \.-' |_..-, __\___...---'`_..-' (_______....--'\ / `\ (o \__ | | __) _ _ \ /`\ \ | (_Y_) _ '-.\_,| | T-._/ (_A_) _../`'T T-'` | | \__ _| .' | | | | \___ | /_\`\ / | | | | \ `/-`\ --| | \ | | | | /`----' |--' \ `\ \_; |`-.......-` .-.-'. \_LI ; / / /`-._ |`-\ \ jgs _/_/ / | \ \ ( ( ;.__ / \__,\__ `"`""` `""""` `.__._`; Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold. Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A: A Jolly Green Giant Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing green. Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone? A: A sham rock. .-"""""-. \ / |.-----.| __|_______|___ HAPPY '--;-'```'-;--' ST. PATRICK'S / / 6_6 \ \ DAY ! ( ( _) ) ) / ( ( .__. ) ) ( `._`-'_.' ) /`'-._`"`_.-'`\ | /___```___\ | \ |___|L|___| / \/ `"` \/ /..,_______,..\ / /\ \ | ,-' `-, | \ `\ ,-'` / jgs __LI`--`\|`.__/ ( /\ LI\ `.___,-'` \ | '.__/ St. Patrick's Day Games Increase your enjoyment of the holiday with a few festive games like St. Patrick's Day Unscramble. Leprechaun Puzzle. Lucky Leprechaun. St. Patrick's Day Dot-to-Dot... Back to St. Patrick's Day at Alphabet Soup. http://www.alphabet-soup.net/hol/stpgame.html ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) (\-"""-/) | | \ ^ ^ / .-. \_o_/ / / /` `\/ | / \ | \ ( ) / | / \_) (_/ \ / | (\-/) | \ --^o^-- / \ '.___.' / jgs .' \-=-/ '. / /` `\ \ (//./ \.\\) `"` `"` >SMILES A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody realizes they've not been locking the gate at night." ---------- Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me" ---------- A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." ---------- A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers." ---------- Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. ---------- The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional. "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that! I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof! ---------- The "Letters To The Editor" desk at the local paper received the following note from a reader: "My wife was about to file for a divorce when she read the article in your paper about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce. Effective today, please cancel my subscription to your paper." ---------- ,,,,, \ e e\ C _\/ |\\, )\_) \_ / _/|/_ _// ,'\ ~ /'-,_/ \ / \_/ / / , | \_._,-" ( < _' | \ \ ', -',-~.-' _/ ) | |// | ' ' ) | | | | ._., - |.,_ // _\-' )___|__|_ '-._ b'ger /____\__\' >RETIREE'S QUIZ Q: How many days in a week? A: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Q: When is a retiree's bedtime? A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it might take all day. Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? A: There is not enough time to get everything done. Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? A" The term comes with a 15% discount. Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A: Tied shoes. Q: Why do retirees count pennies? A: They are the only ones who have the time. Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? A: NUTS! Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Q: What do retirees call a long lunch? A: Normal. Q: What is the best way to describe retirement? A: The never-ending Coffee Break. Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. A: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? A: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From TheGroaner: We got to gabbing here at the office and, as usually, the topic was love. We were trying to come up with a few examples, around ten or so, of some of the worst responses ever utter to the ultimate question - As usual we went above and beyond and came up with 20. Enjoy! ___________ `:::::::::' ':::::::' -._:::::::_.- :""""""""""""""""": : . \ .- . : : : 0 0 .' : : ' ..::. : : ::::::: : .': ':::::' :`. : : "" : : `. : __ :.' ": .' ". : : : : : : ' : :_____ _____: __ : : :.--. grp ." " : ' : '. : .' `-...-"'-..-" Mr. Grumpy >Do you want to make love? 1. What, with you? 2. Why? What did I do? 3. Only if it's your birthday. 4. Oh, hell froze over? 5. I'm not drunk enough. 6. Again? 7. Trust me, in your case, practice will not make perfect. 8. Why? We just did it last month. 9. Do we have to take our clothes off? 10. Why? We're married. 11. We can't. The dogs will watch us. 12. Well, I do enjoy doing charity work. 13. Can't we just be friends? 14. Well, if we do, what do I get out of it? 15. Can I bring a friend? 16. Do you really need me for that? 17. Sure, I've got a free minute. 18. Sure, I could use a laugh. 19. Please stop, you're embarrassing yourself. 20. Do what you need to do just don't wake me up! How many of these have I heard? Eight. Oh, sorry. You didn't ask me. Groaningly yours, Steve -<>- _..-------.._ .-"--..__ __."-. ." """" ". .:: :.. .' ""----...._________..-`. ::::::' : __:::::::::: .. : ______......--.--:::::::::::::-" .:: ::::::::::(::::##::##::_:::::::::"::: .:-.:::_ :::::::::_::::::#:::#:::#"::::::: " '-::::::::::::::-#:::::::::::::::#::::::::: .:::::::::::::::#:::::::::::::#:::::::' : ::::::":"""----:::#::::::::::::#---"" _.: " '-' : __...--"" : :---...____....----""" ___..-": : ______......--""" : :""""" : `.----.....______....----.' .--. ":::::::::::::::::::::/:..:::::: grp "-:::::::::::::::-"':::::::::: ::::::---"" .::::::::: .:::::/_.._ ::::::::' :::::::::::::. '-::-" '::::::::::::: `--::::::-' Mr. Bump >How Am I As A Lover? --* Man: "Be honest, baby... How am I as a lover?" Woman: "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes, my love, my hero, you're 'warm' as the dictionary would say!" The man, pleased, went home and just for sake of it checked his dictionary, He read, "WARM: Not so hot." -<>- >Even More Quotes from "Actual" Employee Performance Evaluations 21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. -<>- /|_\|/_/| , ,--,-. . / ( O O ) \ | (___)' | |. , | / '-'\__,' | //|. \\\ \ ||| , `-'|\\ ||| ' ||| c D ' , c D UU ' '-' ' UU \ __ / __|| ||__ (___/ \___) [lf] >'Q And A Quickies' Q: What size of soap does a judge use? A: Trial size! Q: What part of the car is the laziest? A: The wheels, because they are always tired! Q: What do you call a huge pile of cats? A: A Meowtain! Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow. Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles? A: Sparky. Q: How do you make a strawberry shake? A: Put it in the freezer! Q: How much does a pirate pay for his earrings? A: A buccaneer! Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up? A: A township. Q: What did the scotch tape say to the duct tape? A: I was hoping you'd stick around. ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: What brought back 500 steel jobs? Tariffs may have just been 'icing on the cake.' - Belleville News-Democrat https://tinyurl.com/y9hvm3cp Jared Kushner says 'Trump administration has a new plan for interoperability' - Healthcare IT News https://tinyurl.com/ybj4pc88 Art Of The Deal - Commerce Secretary Ross: Tariffs are ‘motivation’ for Canada, Mexico to make a ‘fair’ NAFTA deal - CNBC https://tinyurl.com/y9hg6fwo President Trump to Latino conference: Democrats 'nowhere to be found' on DACA - ABC News https://tinyurl.com/ycze729p VA chief outlines changes at hospitals nationwide following report on alleged D.C. center mismanagement - The Washington Post https://tinyurl.com/ya3azen9 WhiteHouseNews: https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Latest From RightAlerts: http://rightalerts.com Latest At FoxNews: http://www.foxnews.com/ Latest From MRC News: https://tinyurl.com/ya6uruck Latest From TrueDailyNews: http://truedaily.news/category/news/ -<>- >From BizarreNews: When Guns Are Illegal Only Criminals Will Have Guns. How do you generate sales? Create demand. A California police lieutenant who has been out-spoken in calling for stricter gun control was caught selling illegal weapons to criminals, according to police. The lieutenant in the Pasadena Police Department was taken into custody on federal charges related to the illegal sale of approximately 100 firearms. Vasken Kenneth Gourdikian, 48, of Sierra Madre, who is currently on administrative leave, surrendered to federal authorities. According to the police investigation, over a three year period, Gourdikian sold over 100 firearms without a license. Gourdikian allegedly used his official status as a police officer to purchase firearms that were not available to the general public and then sold the firearms through third-party transfers to members of the public, according to the indictment. Gourdikian's status as a police officer also enabled him to purchase more than one handgun in a 30-day period. Moreover, upon obtaining the requisite authorizations from his employer, Gourdikian's status as a police officer allowed him to take possession of a firearm before the otherwise applicable ten-day waiting period lapsed. Special agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives executed a federal search warrant at Gourdikian's residence in Sierra Madre and seized approximately 62 firearms, including an unregistered short- barreled rifle. -<>- What is it about Florida, baked beans and cheap beer? One heck of a party was narrowly avoided when two accidents happened almost on the same day last week in Florida. Thousands of pounds of beer spilled onto a Florida roadway after a semi-truck tipped over early Wednesday morning. Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office shared photos of the overturned truck and the hundreds of Busch beer cases on Interstate 10. "The beer didn't fare so well," the sheriff's office said. Nearly 60,000 pounds of beer spilled in the crash. The driver was treated on the scene after sustaining minor injuries and was cited for careless driving. Meanwhile, barely 300 miles away a semi truck traveling on Interstate 75 experienced a brake fire that turned its load of green beans into baked beans and scattered them across the road. Ocala Fire Rescue said the tractor-trailer was in the northbound lanes Thursday when its rear wheel brakes sparked a fire that soon engulfed the entire trailer. "Heat and fire emanating from the rear axles burned through the trailer's left wall, creating an opening through which the contents of the trailer spilled," Ocala Fire Rescue said in a statement. The agency posted a photo of the well-done green beans strewn across the highway after the flames were extinguished. Firefighters said it took about 2,000 gallons of water to put out the flames and the driver of the truck was not injured. Imagine if these two accidents had happened at the same time on the same highway? That would have been quite a party. *--------------- The Axe Effect ---------------* A man was rushed to a hospital after causing a large explosion inside his car by smoking a cigarette and spraying deodorant at the same time, according to police in Maryland. The victim told the police that he had sprayed aerosolized Axe deodorant and then lit a cigarette. The Baltimore County Police said that the incident unfolded around 11:30 a.m. in front of a restaurant. The owner of The Restaurant said that the victim was a regular customer. He heard a very large explosion and ran outside. He then called for help after seeing his customer with serious burns. The windows of the car shattered and all the doors were blown open. The man was transported to the Bayview Hospital Burn Unit with serious injuries. (proving once and for all that Smoking IS Hazardous to your health) *------------ It Was Real All Along! ------------* A man said he won a $200,000 South Carolina Education Lottery jackpot by playing numbers from an unusual source -- a fortune cookie. The North Carolina man, who said he crosses the border into South Carolina to buy lottery tickets each week, said the Palmetto Cash 5 ticket that won him a $200,000 jackpot on Valentine's Day was purchased using the numbers from the back of a fortune cookie. "My wife eats the fortune cookies," the winner said. "And I save our fortunes." He said the numbers from this particular cookie were 6, 8, 20, 26, and 31. The man said he often uses fortune cookie numbers to play. He said he sometimes finds himself digging through the trash to find slips his wife threw out. The winner said his wife will be rewarded for eating so many fortune cookies. "She's going to retire sooner than she thought," he said. *--------- Hold My Beer and Watch This ---------* An event ended in tragedy when a man fatally shot another during the drunken party. Police were called to a home in Texas after a man was shot dead in what police called a game or a dare. Investigators said there were between 6 and 8 people at the party at a home in Houston when the shooting occurred. The man who lived at the home where the party was taking place put on a bullet-proof vest at around 1:30 a.m., on Sunday, and another man who had a gun, shot him. The victim died of his injuries. Police are now asking for those who were at the party to come forward so they can determine exactly what took place before the shooting. The forensic team has yet to confirm if the bullet passed through the vest or if the victim was accidentally shot in another area. Police have not yet identified the victim. *--- World's Oldest Message in a Bottle Found ---* A Perth family made an unintentional discovery on a Western Australia beach: the world's oldest message in a bottle. The gin bottle, found on a beach a bit north of Wedge Island, bore a 132-year-old message dated June 12, 1886. Tonya Illman saw the bottle and thought it would make for a neat decoration on her bookcase, she said in a Western Australian Museum release. The note inside, however, disclosed the bottle's intended purpose. German seafarers asked discoverers to record their coordinates and the finding date before returning the bottle and note to Hamburg's German National Observatory or the closest German consulate. The note was part of a 69-year German experiment that included thousands of bottles and messages discarded into oceans to chart currents and find quick shipping channels. More than 650 notes have been found and returned, but the message discovered in Australia was the first found since 1934. Ross Anderson, the museum's assistant curator of maritime archaeology, determined the bottle was thrown from a ship named Paula about 590 miles from Australia's coast in the Indian Ocean. "Incredibly, an archival search in Germany found Paula's original Meteorological Journal and there was an entry for 12 June 1886 made by the captain, recording a drift bottle having been thrown overboard," Anderson said. "The date and the coordinates correspond exactly with those on the bottle message." ========================================================= >-->From TheJokester: , __ _.-"` `'-. /||\'._ __{}_( |||| |'--.__\ | L.( ^_\^ \ .-' | _ | | | )\___/ | \-'`:._] jgs \__/; '-. >What Not To Say To A Cop 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me! 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. 6. Bad cop! No donut! 7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? 8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead. 9. I pay your salary. 10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. 11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum! 12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist? 13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. 14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you. 15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? 17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. 18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me. 19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: __ @@;, ( ; ? : ); _| |_ | | || | | _| |_ | \ \ \/ || \/ ___ / / | __| |\ __||____||___||______/| | ||| | |_______ _________| | ||| ||| |____ | | ____| ||| Design by \ \______ ) | | / ______/ / || | | | | | /___| || Samule J. Neptune || | | |_ /| | |\ _| || || || | \__, / | | | \<__/ | || Halfway through a romantic dinner at a nice, cozy restaurant, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights!" -<>- At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Dot you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatist, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back in my face, I can use it again." -<>- A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him. The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes." -<>- In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low. The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat." Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?" -<>- Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" "Autumn," he replied. -<>- Longtime friends were celebrating their 50th anniversary. One of their sons gave a loving toast, finishing with, "and thank you for having such a beautiful marriage." "Thank you for making it necessary," the father joked. In the silence that followed, his wife whispered, "Not him. He's the second son." -<>- ______.--------. /' \ /'\ \ ..-'\()'\ .'''. ./' | .' / \..} '\. / { /' '\ \ {------' .' '. '| \ . | \ | '\_____/ | | | / | | | .' | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ | >TESTING... As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo sapiens. If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself on this test: 1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points. 2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five points. 3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points. 4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points. 5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself five points. 6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten points. 7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? Take five points. 8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for every five degrees of slope. 9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under. 10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every inch of difference. 11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs. 12. Pigeon-toed? Five points. 13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal--no points. 14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? Add five points. 15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points. 16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give yourself ten points. 17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? Take five more points. 18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? Three points. Scroll down for your score.... -<>- _________________ ._) (_. | 'F ,-. 'C | | | |___ 40 | | 100 ---| | | | | | | | 90 '''| |___ 30 | | 80 ___| | | | | | | | 70 ---| |___ 20 | | | | | | 60 '''| | | | 50 ___| |___ 10 | | | | | | 40 ---| | | | |_|___ 0 | | 30 '''| | | | 20 ___| | | | | |___-10 | | 10 ---| | | | | | | | 0 '''| |___-20 | | -10 ___| | | | | | | | -20 ---| |___-30 | | |#| | | -30 '''|#| | | -40 ___|#|___-40 | | |#| | | |#| | | (###) | |_ `-' _| ctr ' )_______________( ' In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low. The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat." Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?" -<>- \\ \\ \\ /`}_ ___ '-Z\'-._ .;'-,) \\_. ', .Scoring on 'Testing': 0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world. 20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice. 40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away. 60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football. 80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. Try running for public office instead. ========================================================= >-->From TheMouth: .__ _..._ /,-./'.--. ``\. /|/.--./`.o/ /`;\\ |||\ _ `-'_` o|/|| ||\\`.`.__`Y8P_,\|| \\|| `"\"""/---'|| \\| ,-' `.||// \(-'_ `. ,-' [_] .-. \ ; `\| ||-'/ ` \ \ /`""-.`\ | ; | `.-|\_/ | ; ' | \-._ / | | / |`--'| : ;_\_ /| |/ /\|, ) __..; `----' :`.`|/ / / | | ; .' `\' ; \/ : _ : : / / : : _.'`.__.' | fsc \ _.' \ / | | / `---.._ | `\ `.____ \ / | `------' \__|_,' >Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Drunk --* 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. You fall off the floor. 5. The whole bar greets you when you come in. 4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like. 3. Roseanne looks good. 2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up. -<>- >--------- A St. Patrick's Day Joke - TEE HEE! --------- A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." ========================================================= __, ,__) __,__) ,__) ____, __, ,__) .--. (--|__| _ (--| ,_ ' , |_ (--/_| ,_ _ (--\ | _ ) __| |(_)(_|_) __|__ | |/_)| | / | | (/_ \_|(_)(_| .-' ( ( |_, / (___| | . .-.-. ( : ) ~|~|_~(_~~|~ \|/~\| ||~) ~|~ /~\ ( IRISH .-.\ ' /.-. | |_ ,_) | |\_/\_/|~\ _|_.\_X. QUOTIENT ) (_.. 'Y' .._) ( /|\ ) jgs '-' | '-' .-. (_" \ 1. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? / `\ \ ^ ) ) 2. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? ( ( .:. ) ) 3. _oOoOo Where does ( ( [_||||| green beer \ \ ||||| come from? `\| ~~~~~ 4. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? 5. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? 6. What's Irish and stays out all night? _oOoOoOo_ (oOoOoOoOo) 7. How did the Irish jig get started? )`"""""`( / \ 8. Why do leprechauns have pots o' gold? | G O L D | \ / 9. What's an Irish windbreaker? `=========` 10. On St. Patrick's Day, while people are searching for tiny, little leprechauns, what are leprechauns searching for? @@ .##@@::;%%&&00' @><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 6 6 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 888'=='888' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \_'888888'_________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@Oo@o%&&00' / >< \ .##oO@Oo@O@o&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | Happy | ___LI)||(LI___ | St. Patrick's | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ Day! / `-----''-----` '.___________.' The ANSWERS: 1. He couldn't afford plane fare. 2. Real rocks would look funny. 3. Who cares? As long as it keeps coming! 4. He's Dublin over with laughter. 5. They're always a little short. 6. Pati O'Furniture! 7. Lots of beer and too few restrooms! 8. They like to "go" first class. 9. Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage! 10. Tiny, little women! -= Give yourself a point for each right answer, and put an "O" in front of your name! =- (funny from an American Greetings card/ASCII art by Joan Stark) ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Home, James!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/homejames.html Obama Saga!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/obamasaga.html Beautiful Paris!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beautifulparis.html Butchart Gardens!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bgardens.html Beautiful Grand Canyon!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/grandcanyon.html Play With Harley! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/harley.html What Your GPS Won't Show You!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gps.html Celebrities: The Long And Short Of It!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrities2.html Revenge Parking!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/revengeparking.html Beautiful Scotland!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beautifulscotland.html Maxine On St.Patrick's Day!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxineonpatday.html St. Patrick's Day Animations http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html -<>- >Please Visit/Follow Me On StumbleUpon: https://tinyurl.com/ydhk2o74 Some of Shangrala's Best Pages http://www.amazfamily.com/index.html -<>- From Cracked.com: Have you ever thought to yourself, "I'd really like to watch a hilarious sitcom about geek culture, but the only one I know about is terrible?" Well, you're in luck. We asked our readers to show us much, much better versions of famous movies and shows, that you should definitely check out. https://tinyurl.com/y8hbvv3z Take a look at some of the most obscure, bizarre, weird, memorable movie trailers from some of the most shocking, beloved, criticized, unusual cult classics in all of cinema. Each trailer is given running commentary from the likes of filmmakers Joe Dante, John Landis, Eli Roth, Guillermo del Toro, Edgar Wright and many more! https://trailersfromhell.com/ From Cracked.com: In an industry where everything seems focus-grouped and workshopped to death, it's important to acknowledge those who still believe in creative inspiration, individual brilliance, and sheer hard work. Then there's today's list... https://tinyurl.com/y7w9bwxs From TheSun: These fans thought they took 'celebrity' selfies - and realized their mistake way too late. Here are some embarrassing snaps showing excited fans mistaking complete strangers for A-list celebrities. https://tinyurl.com/ycby85c6 10 Funniest Alpaca Videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5k8bvXmN_T0 You will LAUGH SO HARD that YOU WILL FAINT - FUNNY CAT compilation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEkSYw3o5is Animals Helps And Saves Others Animals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pieJ-GSdyx8 -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseAu :) Amazing Magic Trick! Master Magician Kevin James performing in Las Vegas on America's Got Talent. Have no idea how he does it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlCZ3VmMaf4 --- ...Wowsers! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Some hospital workers in Kenya have been suspended after doctors performed brain surgery on the wrong patient. I guess those brain surgeons weren't exactly rocket scientists." -James Corden "The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 percent." -Conan O'Brien "This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it." -Jimmy Fallon "Pizza Hut introduced a pair of athletic shoes that have a button that orders pizza. When they heard about it, fans of Pizza Hut said, 'What are athletic shoes?'" -Conan O'Brien "Apple employees keep walking into glass walls at their new campus in California. An Apple customer said, 'Oh, so you DO know how to make glass that doesn't shatter.'" -Jimmy Fallon "Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has announced he will invest $125 million in a research lab to teach artificial intelligence machines common sense. I'm not sure I like the idea of inanimate objects having common sense. I don't need my refrigerator telling me, 'Yeah, maybe you don't need any more ice cream.'" -James Corden "Researchers at the University of Vermont determined that the world's happiest language is Spanish. German finished fourth, which I find hard to believe. In German, even 'I love you' sounds like a threat." -Jimmy Kimmel "Anheuser-Busch has announced it will begin selling a new organic beer called 'Michelob Ultra Pure Gold.' As in, 'Sorry, all we have left is Michelob Ultra Pure Gold.'" -Seth Meyers "A new study found that a growing number of parents regret the name they gave their baby. They actually have a name for those parents: 'celebrities.'" -Jimmy Fallon "The CEO of SeaWorld has stepped down. He's going to be getting a $10 million retirement package - if he can jump up and catch it with his mouth." -Conan O'Brien "The University of Texas has decided to allow students to carry guns in the classroom. The school says it's a guaranteed way to prevent the possibility of a pop quiz." -Seth Meyers "Whole Foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo parlors in their grocery stores. Even so, the people walking out of Whole Foods with the biggest sense of regret will still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple." -Jimmy Fallon "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." --Walt Disney "Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself." --Jean Anouilh "A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be." --Wayne Gretzky "Drama is life with the dull bits cut out." --Alfred Hitchcock "I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it." --Steven Wright "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art." --Eleanor Roosevelt "If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt." - Dean Martin >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE:Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************