Rednecks and Idiot Alert... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This scorcher comes from our friend Linda. It is so beautiful with such good life tips I couldn't resist sharing it with all of you. Give it time to load and check it out here... _ _ / '-' \ ; ; /'-| |-'\ | |_______K | \ '-------' / '.___.....___.' | ; : ;| _|;__;__.|_ | Y | .--. .--. \__.'^'.__/ /; \ / ;\ |_ ; _| | ' | | ; | { `"""` } |; | |' | { } | ; | | ; | { } | | |; | ;`-.__.'| |: ;| | ; \ |; ; |_____/ ; | | '.'-----' ' -_ .' / \ '. - _ ' ; ; _ - .' '. - - ; ; .------` `--------. ;| jgs |; , | | ; | |. ; | | : :| | . | Beautiful Cactus Blooms! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cactusblooms.html --- ...Awesome! So Lovely with great health tips! Thanks Linda! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Redneck 911 Emergency ___ /.-.\ || || Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. \'-'/ || || The 911 operator told Bubba that she would `// || || send someone out right away. // || || "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) IDIOTS IDIOTS IN THE STORE: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So, I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS & COMPUTERS: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE: I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. AN IDIOT'S IDIOT: Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message, "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ October 7 is World Smile Day and National Frappe Day October 8 is National Tag Day and World Egg Day October 9 is Fire Prevention Day and Moldy Cheese Day October 10 is National Angel Food Cake Day and World Mental Health Day October 11 is Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day and It's my Party Day October 12 is Cookbook Launch Day and Scream Day October 13 is International Skeptics Day and National Peanut Festival Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: ___ ///\\\/---- ||//\///\\\\ /`-.__\\\\///| /_ _ `--._| ___-`---.___ | ---------- `-.__| ----------( \.-.@ @_ \\\\\\ ------------| `-'-.(_)--/\\\\\ /////------//| `-' )\\\\\\ /////------///\ `--'\ /"\\\\\\\\\\ ////--------///\ `-' /\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ .-. _ //////------////>---'\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | | / ) _ ////////////// |__| )\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | |/ / / `. _ ////////.-' >\ <-._.--.\\\\\\\\\ _|__ /_ ( \ . .' ) /////// ( .- ( )() ( )_)\\\\\\\ / __)-' ) `- | |/ //// ( ) ( )|--'() ( ) \\\\\\\\ \ `(.-') .---/ _() /// ( ) () | /() ( ) \\\\\\ > ._>-' ()+8 8 | | ( )( ) | /( ) ( ) \ / \/ ()+8 8/-()__ / ( )( ) \/ ( ) ( )\ \ /\ / |8 8| `. | () ( ).--.( ) ( )-\ \ / | ()+||||-() (_/ _/ /| ()/ || \ ) ()()\ \__/ / .-`|||| /\\ / / ()|/ \ () \ `. /| | (_ |||| .' _/-/ ()\/||\/() \-. \ / ||( \_ .' ( )/ ( ) `--' ( ) > ) `. / .--|_|\_ \ .' .'( )_ ( )-.___.-( ) ( ) "" `.__)-.( /.'\ .' ( )'_)-.______( ).-')' (___)| \ .-' `--'`-._.---._.(_))-' (__)|| +-)' | /_.--.\ | (__)||-' `._|`-' ) ) _| ||||| | `.`-'.'--' / ||||| .' | | .\| ||||| .' _.-|_| \ ||||| / .'.-' \\ | |||||| .' / \ \ ||||| / .' \ \ ||||| .' / | | _|||||----./ .' \ \ .-' ||||| `/ / \ | .' ||||| ( / | | / ||||| | |\ \ | | .'|||||. | || | ) \ | |||||\ | |/ | \ \ | |||||| | | / | | `.||||' / | | \ | |||| | \ | | / ||||| | |\ / | / |||||_/ | \ | \ / ------'| | | | | | |___.---| \ | / | | / | | | \ | | \/ | | | / | | | \ | | | | `. / \ | \ `--.___`-_ |_ | | .-.__.-''-,_ - | \_' <`. '.-//|-/`` (_) _.-' `._-.____.-'.| / '//, ,\.-'`` |--. `-.____.' |__/ '''\ -'/ | `. _.// | `-.__.-' VK >Dirty House? Keeping our old farmhouse clean is a constant challenge. Muddy boots, socks embedded with straw, dirt blowing through the windows, grandchildren, cats and dogs, even the occasional newborn calf warming up on the porch all contribute to my daily ritual of sweeping, shaking, vacuuming and washing. I thought I was pretty neat and tidy until at work one day a colleague with no kids and no pets complained about how dirty her house gets. "How bad can it be?" I asked. "There are just the two of you living in a new house in the city." "Well," she complained, "have you ever noticed how much dust flies into the air when you pull a tissue out of the box?" -<>- >Elevator Problem Our office building's only elevator was acting up. When I rode it to the lobby on my way to lunch, the door refused to open. Trying not to panic I hit the emergency button which triggers an automatic call to the repair service. Through the speaker in the elevator, I heard the call going through and then a recorded announcement: "The area code of the number you dialed has been changed. The new area code is 450. Please hang up and dial again." -<>- >Flight Instructor After he retired as an airline pilot, my brother got his instructor's rating. He was in the cockpit with a student after they had completed the "walkaround" and checklist, but the student seemed hesitant about pushing the throttle hard enough to get moving. My brother pushed the throttle and they taxied across the tarmac. The chief engineer charged out of the hangar and signaled vigorously at them. My brother, not understanding, waved back. Just before he reached the end of the taxiway, he noticed the RPM gauge seemed rather high. Just then the airport manager's car tore past him and parked across the runway. My brother shut down, got out and checked the plane. Attached to the tail was a tie-down rope still attached to its cement block. -<>- >Inherit the House Our 14-year-old grandson has always loved our house. During one visit, he remarked about it again. "You know." I said, "when Granddad and I are gone your dad will inherit this house. Maybe, when you're older, you'll live here yourself." "Oh, Grandma," he said, looking around the living room, "that would be great! And I wouldn't change a thing." I was feeling quite smug about my decor until he added, "I mean, look at this stuff! It's just like they had on the Titanic!" -<>- >Traffic Stop While vacationing, we were stopped on the road by a police officer for exceeding the posted speed limit. Trying to think of some way out of the predicament, I said to the officer, "Do you realize how much money we've spent in this area today?" "Well," replied the officer, "you're about to spend a little more." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) .-. /6 6\ | > | ,w /| `=' |\/ _m/__XXXXX_______ ______X_X________] -__ /--/ _ _-__| _- `-_` __-- - | -_ __ --- - _- --| _ejm97___________| >SMILES A young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake." ------------ A family is on vacation. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish. The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race." The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area." The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog? ------------ A blonde city-girl was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question. "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. "But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse! ------------ Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommy how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman." Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman." Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me." Immediately, the ever-worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers. Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds." Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight. Finally Susie exclaimed, "And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?" Susie waved the license in the air, and replied: "It says right here you got an "F" in sex!" ---------- The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity. "It's because I gave up sex," he said. "When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter. "Just about fifteen years ago." "I see," said the reporter. "And why did you give up sex?" "I had to. I like older women...and there weren't any more left!" ---------- The Old Lady, the Atheist, and the Groceries An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise the Lord!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord. God, I need food! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!" The next morning the lady went out and discovered a large bag of groceries on her porch! As expected, she shouted, "Praise the Lord!" Just then her angry neighbor jumped from behind a bush! "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries! God didn't!" But the faithful old lady just grinned and started clapping her hands. "Praise the Lord," she said. "He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them!" ------------ |\ /| |\ /| | \ / | |\\ //| | | | | | \| |/ | \ | | / \ || || / \ |_| / \||_||/ .' '. .' '. | | |o o| / \ /= Y =\ `'-. .-'` `'-.^.-'` _| |_ _| |_ /` `\ /` `\ | / \ | | | |/ \| | ( ) | / \ /\ \ / /\ | .-~-. | | '._)_.' | \ { } / \ / jgs \ '-=-' / \ '.___.' / .--' ;---; '--. .--' \---/ '--. `-------' '-------` `-------' '-------` [Et-Ahem!] One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?' The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN' --- ...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- [Politics] >The federal shut down: Hope you didn't try to visit the Washington monument yesterday. (closed) Then there's the cost of lost receipts. Visitors spend roughly $32 million per day at national parks. Fees and tax revenue generated from this spending is lost in a shutdown. The government can't even save money when it does shut down... Once the government starts up again, most furloughed works will receive back pay for their time off. Bloomberg crunched the numbers and came up with a specific tab: $174 million per day. And in the meantime, our law makers, from the president to the senate to the house, all want to point fingers instead of finding solutions. So, how's the shutdown working out for you, America? --- ...Yeah, kind of useless aren't they? Thanks LouiseA! ====================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: >From Our Friend Geniann :) NO !!!! http://tinyurl.com/o8fgp2u --- ...Interesting! Thanks Geniann! -<>- >From BizarreNews: Leonardo Da Vinci he's not, but this 27-year-old Brit, originally from Buenos Aires, is commanding up to 1,500 British pounds for his works of art. Is it his abstract technique? Maybe, but it's more likely the fact that Leandro Granato creates his works by snorting up paint and squirting it out of his eyes. He has to weep out up to a pint and a half of watercolors to make each one of his creations. "Ever since I was a kid I knew I had a special connection between my eye and my nose," explained Granato. "As I grew up, I started realizing that air and liquids could go out of my eye if I put them through my nose. Now, I am the inventor of a new painting style in the art world." He added: "When I decided to do this for a living, my whole family - as well as many other people - thought I was going crazy. But as time went by, they began to understand the art I call eye-painting." *-- Researchers say they have proof that Sasquatch is real --* DALLAS - A researcher in Dallas released video and data this week she says proves Bigfoot exists -- and is a hybrid descended from humans and a closely related species. Melba Ketchum, a geneticist, is the leader of the Sasquatch Genome Project, KTVT-TV in Dallas reported. "We want people to understand this is a serious study," she said at Tuesday's news conference. The research is being funded by Adrian Erickson, a businessman who says he has seen the creatures a number of times. Erickson has presented videos in the past. "People have chosen not to believe it," he said. "They can't find it in their minds to think these things exist." Bigfoot sightings are most common in the Pacific Northwest, although there have been reports as far afield as Pennsylvania. The creature is generally described as humanoid, although covered with fur. Ketchum said the group has tracked and filmed Sasquatch and obtained hairs that have been analyzed for DNA. She said her work has been submitted to a peer- reviewed journal. "This creature does not follow general rule," Ketchum said. "What it does do is very different. We think it is human-hybrid. That is our theory." A leaked review of the article suggested the reviewer had problems with her methodology. *-- Man who forgot to flush arrested for burglary --* OKLAHOMA CITY - An Oklahoma man was arrested on burglary charges after police matched his DNA to used toilet paper found at the scene of the crime, police said. Charles Marqull Williams, 20, was charged Wednesday with burglary in Oklahoma County District Court for allegedly stealing from an area home, The (Oklahoma City) Oklahoman reported. Police said the suspect broke into the home, took several items, and used the bathroom before taking off. Unflushed feces and a used piece of toilet paper on the floor were found at the scene. Police matched DNA found in the messy bathroom to Williams. *-- Cheerleaders ticketed for performing in the road --* LONDON, Ontario - A cheerleading coach at the University of Western Ontario in Canada said the team's captain was ticketed for leading a street-side cheer during homecoming. Coach David Tracey said team captain Max Gow led a cheer routine in the street in a student neighborhood in London while walking to Saturday's homecoming game, the QMI Agency reported Monday. Tracey said police approached as three male cheerleaders were throwing a female cheerleader into the air. The officers told them they could not perform the routine in the street and Gow was issued a $136 ticket. "It's homecoming. Are we not supposed to generate spirit? We're the cheerleading team for goodness sake," Tracey said. The ticket said Gow was "causing a nuisance in the street by conducting a cheerleading performance." A police spokeswoman said she could not comment on the ticket until speaking with the issuing officer. Tracey said the street was already filled with people when the cheerleaders started performing. "If were truly blocking the street and tying up traffic and causing some kind of public disturbance then maybe I'd almost understand it, but not in this scenario," Tracey said. *-- South Carolina couple ride ziplines down the aisle at wedding --* ASHEVILLE, S.C. - A South Carolina couple who wanted their wedding guests to remember their ceremony as the "most fun" time rode zip lines down the aisle. Lauren and Ben Youngkin, who wed Saturday at the Crown Plaza in Asheville, said they did not warn their wedding guests before they showed up on zip lines, complete with harnesses, helmets and carabineers in addition to their formal attire, WHNS-TV, Greenville, reported Monday. "Zip-lining isn't omnipresent in our life, but, we have a good time. We like to laugh, and we like for everyone else to laugh, too. At our expense," Ben Youngkin said. The couple said their zip line scheme was aimed at amusing their wedding guests. "The most important thing about the wedding, we wanted people to come away from the wedding and say, 'that was one of the most fun times I've ever had,'" Lauren Youngkin said. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Bunni :) ......... .'------.' | Plug and Play | .-----. | | | | | | | __| | | | |;. _______________ / |*`-----'.|.' `; // / `---------' .;' // /| / .''''////////;' // |=| .../ ######### /;/ //| |/ / / ######### // //|| / `-----------' // || /________________________________//| || `--------------------------------' | || : | || | || |__LL__|| || | || : | || | || | || `""' n | || `""' | || M | || | || | || | || `""' `""' MasterMind >FUNNIES A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?" -<>- THE PRODIGAL SON RETOLD Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weathered friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments. "Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier" the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact. Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors." But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to set forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. The fugitive s fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of formal falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile. His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude." -<>- A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'" "Heard what?" "Herd of cows." "Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there." -<>- A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes. Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail. "Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother. "Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work, he replied. -<>- Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. --- ...LOL! Thanks Bunni! =============================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: ,_ ,_ ,~-, .~, .~, / ;-'~,-" : Q| ' ;=-' |~; ;========================================o : | ;Q | | : : | ; | : : | ; | ; : : | | | : ; : ______________________________ | | : : | : ' | | | ; : | | | | | : | __________________________ | : | : : | ; : : .| | | | | : | | | : ; || | | | ; | : : | | ,", .-""-.^._.-^,.-""-. | | : : | | | | ; : ;-\ / .;-( \ - ;. \ | | | | : : | ; : : \ )\ ; / ~` \ ; / | | ; : | | | : | , ;)`;_.,;:. O .:;,_.' | | : | : : | : / `. `-.,::.` .::; | | | : | | | | ; ; | `-_ / `":;:"` `- | | ; | : : | ; | | | `/ o ; | | | : : | | | : ; | |____/______|____| |_____| | | | : : | : | | | | ; : | | | | : | | | | [] | : | : : | ; : : |_________________( __)_______| | : | | | : ; |'._;=======;+-,-'` `.=;__.' ; | : : | | |_________|____'-~| ` :______ : : | | | | : |-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-/ ',',|=-=- "-._ | | : : | ; ; |=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-: / / /'-=-=-=- __",; : | | | : | ' |_________________"-_`'___________ __| | : : | : |_________________________________/ ; : | | | | ; | : | : : | ; : | : | | : | | | : . : | ; | : : ; : .~`\' :\| ' _.| \ ;._ ;. | :_,/ '-' '_,-' '~` "' "-" mic I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.' When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work. "Just where do you think you going?" she asked. "What do you mean?" I said. She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long." -<>- Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions. "Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic. "No," John whispered. "I quit." "That's good. When did you quit?" "Around 9:30 this morning." When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy. I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in- law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you." "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too." "OK, then.... where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear." "Okay, thanks, Grandma." I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper... "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family." -<>- FIVE THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen." 4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the Time management course you sent me to." 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time." 2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen." -<>- Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk." "Sometimes, it's easy to get carried away when you are with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life." "Don't worry," she said. "I don't plan on ruining my life until I get married." -<>- >Conflicting Proverbs Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword. Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost. Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth. A silent man is a wise one. A man without words is a man without thoughts. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Clothes make the man. Don't judge a book by its cover. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry. The bigger, the better. The best things come in small packages. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Out of sight, out of mind. What will be, will be. Life is what you make it. Cross your bridges when you come to them. Forewarned is forearmed. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. One man's meat is another man's poison. With age comes wisdom. Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings. The more, the merrier. Two's company; three's a crowd It's no wonder we're all confused. ========================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: _.-""""-. ( ': '. .___.' : : _.."----".._ .-" "-. ." ". .":.".. .' `. : '.' : :" "": : .-" .'""-: .-"""-. :": : : ". .' `. : " '-._ : : _:" : : "" : : : : _ : : : '. : : : `#. ' : : _:. : '. ' `#. : grp : '._ .' : . ." .-" :"-._ _.-" (_. '. ""------"" (_.: . : '.:`-' .::"- .:::::. .':::::::: ' `::::' " Mr. Bounce ** Andy Says... Just Think About This! ** ** "The worst moment for an atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank." ================= ** He who speaks sows, and he who listens harvests. - Argentinean Proverb ================= ** The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives. ================= ** Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions. They're more easily handled than dumb mistakes. - William Wister Hanes, in "High Tension" (Little, Brown) ================= ** Joy, has no cost. - Marianne Williamson, Author ================= ** All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.~~~- Grant Wood (1892 - 1942), Artist ================= ** In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is the kind and gentle spirit. ================ ** No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another. =============== ** Hope... is the companion of power, and the mother of success; for who hopes strongly, has within him the gift of miracles. ~~~- Samuel Smiles, Author ============= ** Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one. - Thomas Jefferson ========================= ** How You Can Tell If A Husband Is "Henpecked" ** ** He wears the pants in the house - under his apron. ** He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none. ** She leads a double life - hers and his. ** He comes right out and says what she tells him to think. ** She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow. ** He always has the last word - he says, "I apologize." ** He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house. ** The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry. ** He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose. ** He was a dude before marriage - now he is subdued. ** He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now. ** She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under. ** She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast. ** He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it. ** Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bent knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed and face the frying pan in her hand. +++++++++++++++++++++++ ** He's Got Furniture Disease ** Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers." ++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** IS WINDOWS A VIRUS? ** No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug. +++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** How To Get A Weekend Pass... For Military ** A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off." When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "Me." said the soldier simply. (GROANER FOR SURE) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Chat Room Information "IS NOT" For Hospitals ** I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Sunday School Lesson For Today ** One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Men Have PMS Every 28 Days ** Have you ever noticed that about every 28 days or so, your husband begins acting strangely? Does he wear white gloves and carry a banjo? Does he insist on referring to you as "Mr. Bones" and your neighborhood as "Dixie"? Then, my friend, your husband may be suffering from an incurable--but treatable--disease. Do not hesitate. Call your doctor immediately. Pre-Minstrel Syndrome can be treated effectively--ask your doctor. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** We Know You're a Teacher If... ** (From Andy's Archives) * You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!" * You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as 'the lounge' . * You're sure the lounge should be equipped with a valium salt lick. * You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form. * You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside. * You convinced chocolate is the 5th food group. * When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group. * When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. * You think people should be able to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. * You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!" * You smile weakly, but secretly fantasize about choking a person when they say, "Oh, you must have such fun everyday. It must be like playtime for you." * Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this child like this?" +++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** More From Sunday School ** A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " ** Posted from: BILL'S PUNCH LINE is brought to you as a free service of Bill & Lynann Rayborn of TCMR Communications, Inc. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Who Told You About Us ** Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Kids On Marriage ** ** HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY ** You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10 ** WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? ** Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6 ** HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? ** You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8 ** WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? ** Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8 ** WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? ** Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10 ** WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? ** I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9 * WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? ** When they're rich. --Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8 ** IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? ** I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9 ** HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? ** There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8 "And the #1 Favorite is........" ** HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? ** Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10 ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Aww Animals 5 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals5.html Playing With Words http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wordplay.html Attitude Is Everything 4 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/attitude4.html 90/10 Principle http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/giving.html Extreme US Spas http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/topspas.html World's Fastest Cars http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fastcars.html Extreme Homes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/exhomes.html Amazing Cop Cars http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/copcars.html AMAZING DOG HOUSES http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doghouses.html Word/Phrase Origins http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/origins.html Dreamy Ladies http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dreamy.html Our Valuable Anchor http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/ouranchor.html Believe In Your Dreams http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/dream.html Lean On Me http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/leanonme.html Halloween Animations: Bats, Bones, Boo, Devil, Dracula: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs.html Fall and Halloween Animations: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_f-j.html Halloween Animations: Monsters: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_k-o.html Halloween Animations: Witches and WORDS: HAL-BOOP WORDS: Hallo http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html Pumpkin Painting http://www.tagyerit.com/pumpkin_painting.htm -<>- >From Our Friend Linda :) She sent us one we have here... Origami Dollar Art 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dollarart2.html --- ...These are fun! Thanks Linda! -<>- >From our Friend Richard :) We hear so much negative that this is refreshing to hear about a school getting it right! This is what this country is supposed to be all about. Battle Hymn http://www.greatdanepro.com/Battle%20Hymn/index.htm "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." - 2 Chronicles 7:14 PRAY, AMERICA, PRAY!! --- ...SWEET! Thanks Richard! -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) Grandmas cuisine around the world http://tinyurl.com/oyhjmfu --- ...Great One! Thanks Wesley! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA! Do you remember these? The best stroll down memory lane ever. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=puGQsQux80k --- ...Yeppers! Thanks LouiseA! Aidyn Israfilov and Gosha the monkey perform their amazing juggling act for the French television show 'The Worlds' Greatest Cabaret.' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dz5FFxgpvYw&feature=player_embedded Paul Steiner exits the cockpit, walks on the wing and then transfers from one sailplane to the other. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zok7LltWU0E&feature=player_embedded A 1920?s vintage Dodge Brothers sedan with “Oil Field Dodge” painted on it’s side. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nq2jY1trxqg --- ...Great links! Thanks LouiseA! ========================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. Passport offices have been closed too. Interesting fact: Passport lines take exactly the same amount of time whether the passport office is open or not." -Jimmy Kimmel "The New York City opera shut down. They're bankrupt. If you go out in the street and ask somebody what they think about opera, they'll say they think opera is that woman who gives away cars on her TV show." -Dave Letterman "The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts." -Conan O'Brien "Yeah, money is tight right now in Washington. In fact after 128 years, the National Aquarium in D.C. may have to close because it's running out of money. Officials say they plan on relocating all the fish to another aquarium nearby -- then the fish were like, 'Hey, isn't that a Red Lobster?'" -Jimmy Fallon "The government may be shut down. But we are open for business here! What are we doing here? Shouldn't we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang?" -Jimmy Kimmel "Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober." -Conan O'Brien "At the U.N. this week, President Obama met with the president of Nigeria, who advised President Obama to eliminate America's debt by sending out fraudulent emails." -Jay Leno "The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'" -Dave Letterman >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************