Rule Of Thumb & More ... :) Shangy! >-->From The FunnyBone: A Room Full Of Pregnant Women .@@@@@, The room was full of pregnant women and their @@@@@@@@, partners, and the class was in full swing. aa`@@@@@@ The instructor was teaching the women how to (_ ?@@@@ breathe properly, along with informing the men =' @@@@" how to give the necessary assurances at this \(``` stage of the plan. //`\ / | || The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise \ | || is good for you. Walking is especially / | || beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt / |_|\ you to take the time to go walking with your | |_| \ partner.!" \ ((( | `\ | The room really got quiet. |____| | || Finally, a man in the middle of the group | || raised his hand. | || /~)) "Yes?" replied the teacher. jgs /_/YY "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" ======================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Steve :) >Facts you probably don't know: In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. ,;;. ;'.( )._/ .-'(`-')----,---,'< __ ,' _ `-' __/----'`' ,' `. ( ( \ ___ / / ;' ,--..__ `._;.)_(o( : : ,-'.__ , `-.._`;'____\ | | ( ,``-.._ , / , \ ; : `.,'`-._ , `-./ /,\ \--..__.-' \ \ ,-`-. /__(. )__\ ; -' _.::.. \ `.( `.`,'/ ;, `.\ |.:' : `. , `' /:.:.:.:.:\`.,:::' | `. ,`..; `' ''\ : `._ ` `. / - . \ `._ , `-- `. : \ `. ` ,' \ `._ ) \ `-.__`. , ` \ ``---.._ ' \ \ \ SSt Hence we have "the rule of thumb" -------------------------------------------- Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. -<>- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. -<>- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. -<>- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. -<>- Coca-Cola was originally green. ...It also actually had Cocaine in it -<>- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ...unless you are a frog -<>- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska -<>- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 1111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! ======================================================================== >-->From The Jokester: >Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day You know it's going to be a bad day when... Your twin sister forgets your birthday. You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed. Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. You get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny. Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..." You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!" >Good - Bad - Worse GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price! BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop. WORSE: The tailor there has never seen an Armani suit before... GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again! BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay. WORSE: You haven't told your wife... GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader! BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash. WORSE: It's jock itch... GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love! BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed. WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage... GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV. BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999... WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment. GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet! BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there! WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - www.kiddiesleaze.com. GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school... BAD: until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son & daughter. WORSE: You only have one kid... GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener. BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him. WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan... GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss. BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week. WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute... GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon. BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay. WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not... ======================================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: >New Pastor My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane. Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page: "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family...the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The fullextent of the tragedy is not yet known." -<>- \\\\, / \\ '<' ) \- / _)_(_ .'\___/'. /.-.___.-.\ [_________] | | ( | , | (\/) ) _\)_ | -|- | <_@__> _(/_ || | | | (/\)(\/) || || | | (\/) <_@_> || || | | <_@_>'(/\) || || | | (/\|/|-. || || .---------. _|_|_ || ||_,-'---------'-,__ |WWWWW| ___jgs|_|____________________|_\_____/__ Sermon Fodder's Ultimate Preaching Rules 1. According to your congregation, there are bad sermons and short sermons but there are no bad short sermons. 2. A life saver mint will last 22 minutes exactly if left laying between the cheek and gum during the normal course of talking. This is a helpful hint to time your sermon. Just don't make the mistake of putting a button in your mouth instead of a life saver before you get up to preach. 3. It never fails that when an "Awesome Sermon" is preached, members of the congregation cannot remember the scripture citations or what the sermon was about when the service is over. 4. When you reach a weak point in the sermon, raise the pitch and volume of your voice to compensate. 5. Have the congregation stand for the last hymn before the message, to assure everyone starts out awake. 6. Have a good opening. Have a good closing. The middle with take care of itself if you quote enough scripture. 7. Every good sermon must contain two good parables and a scripture, or two good scriptures and a parable. 8. The number of faithful tithers in a congregation, and the amount in the offering plate is in direct inverse proportion to the number of sermons the pastor delivers on stewardship and tithing. 9. The likelihood that someone will walk the isle drops by a value of 10 percent for each minute the sermon goes into overtime. 10. The louder the congregation sings the longer the preacher should preach. 11. It is a well kept secret among Music Ministers that the offering total goes up 5 percent each time the third verse of a hymn is skipped (so, that's why they do that). 12. Contributions to "special" or "dedicated" funds go up and contributions to the "general" fund go down in direct proportion to the pastors popularity. 13. Almost everyone is capable of being a Pharisee from time to time. 14. The purpose of a great sermon is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. The latter is preferable to the former. 15. No matter how hard you have studied and prayed, some sermons seem to barely get out of your mouth before they drop on the floor in front of the first pew. 16. Whatever scripture you quote and whatever your sermon outline, remember that your verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 17. If you wear a big shinny watch, when the congregation starts to doze off you can wake them up by catching light from the back window and reflecting it into their eyes (with a little practice). For extra amusement with some additional skill you can get an extra bounce off of bald heads. 18. When the congregation starts to lose interest and doze off you can awaken them by saying loudly, "And Finally" or "In Conclusion." This will only work about four times per sermon. 19. A good sermon should NEVER generalize. 20. No matter how hard you may try, sometimes a scripture just will not fit in the sermon you wanted to use it in. 21. Analogies in a sermon sometimes fit like feathers on a snake. 22. Murphy must have been a preacher, but at least he was an optimist. 23. When you lose your place in your sermon notes, a well placed prayer can help distract the congregation and give you time to get things back on track. 24. If you have repeated yourself more than three times in a given sermon it is time to quit. 25. Have a good opening point. Have a good closing point. Keep the two as close together as possible. 26. The quality of a sermon can be judged first by the number of people who walk the isle, and second by the number of people who are willing to stand in line for15 minutes after the service to shake hands with the preacher and tell him what a great sermon he preached. 27. You can judge the length of your sermon by the length of response from your SPOUSE to the question, "How was my sermon, honey?" Examples: "Fine" means Way too long "It was okay" Means A bit lengthy "It was really good this week, I gained a blessing dear!" means Just about right 28. If you're going to preach on Sunday morning, do not eat onions on Saturday night. 29. Take advice from the rooster. One day, a hen expressed the ultimate ambition of her life, which was to lay an egg in the middle of a busy expressway. So the rooster took her there. When they got to the edge of the road, and traffic was whizzing by, the rooster gave her this advice: "All right now! Make it quick, and lay it on the line!" 30. You know your sermon is not connecting when the choir begins their final number and you haven't reached your last point yet! 31. Always remember, those nods of agreement from our silvery-haired friends may just be nods! 32. A good sermon is similar to a good sandwich. It has two ends: the bread, and lots of meat in the middle. However, unlike a sandwich, the two ends of a good sermon should be as close together as possible. This post is brought your way by Sermon Fodder and Joke A Day Ministries. To get a regular dose of Christian Humor and a modern-day parable drop a note to Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. Please leave this attached if you forward this to friends or post on the internet. Copyright 2000 by Keith Todd and the Sermon Fodder List. ======================================================================== >-->In The WorldlyNews: >From CoffeeBreak: Warm weather melts chess match Unseasonably warm weather in Europe has done more than put a dent in skiing -- it nearly melted a London-Moscow chess match that used pieces carved from ice. The BBC reports the match between grandmasters Nigel Short and Anatoly Karpov was part of the Old New Year festival in London, but with temperatures at nearly 54 degrees Fahrenheit in London and 41 in Moscow, the giant pieces were nearly indistinguishable by the time the match was finished. Karpov's king, carved to look like the Kremlin tower, lost its Soviet star even before the match began. Big Ben, however, was still standing by match's end. Mom upset by porn sites on game systems A San Antonio mother says she was shocked to discover that pornographers have made their Web sites compatible with PlayStation 3 and Wii video game consoles. The game systems, which include WiFi technology to allow players to connect to other gamers online, can be used to browse the Internet, and that includes pornographic sites, KENS-TV, San Antonio, reported Thursday. "(Children are) innocent and we want to try and keep them that way," Lauren Schroeder said. "It's very upsetting that something this popular, a kid's game, can go that direction so quickly. "And that's why it's so important to read into it and, you know, do a lot of information, do a lot of research and background checking before you invest in it," Schroeder said. "It's not the age we're, you know, going to approach that and we need to keep them protected from people like that who are trying to invade a fun game like the Wii." Schroeder said the console includes parental controls that allow her to block some content, but she and other parents have called for the manufactures of the systems to include more filters and protections. Job vacancies at the bottom of the world The Australian government's Antarctic Division is finding it hard to recruit people to work on the frozen continent. While the division says it has always been difficult to attract doctors to Antarctica, as in the case of the isolated outback areas of Australia, the main challenge now is to lure skilled tradespeople away from the nation's booming mining sector. Antarctic Division Director Anthony Press told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. he is looking for people willing to to live in isolation and keen to experience something different. The division is advertising for station leaders, physicians, chefs and a wide range of tradespeople to support scientists working in Antarctica. "What we can offer people when they are sick of the heat, is a little bit of ice to work on," Press said. ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend Steve :) I stumbled on this page while looking for some happy graphics and was sure all of you would enjoy it. /\ / \.--./\ / \ / \ / \/ \ .--. / |\_/| \ | | .---. / / o o\ \ | | | | .---. / /( )\ \ | `-' |_| | / / \#/ \ \ | ._____' | | `---. | | | | | | | (~\ | | /~) | | __\_|| ||_/__ | | ___///_//_| |_\\__\\\__________|____| Artwork by Blackfang http://www.wtv-zone.com/promises/wolf/voice.html ...Thanks Steve! -<>- THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY CHIP MONKS! OH, I AM SO SORRY, YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? -<>- >She was SOoo Blonde... Dear Diary: o=(=(=(=(=(=(=)=)=)=)=o !-'-'-'-/_\-'-'-'-! ! ! , /___\` ! !! !!! , / | \` ! ! !! ,|___|___` !!! !_,| |_______|` `_! !-`| | | |,-! !!!! | | ! !! !!!! | | !!!! !!!!_|_______|_!!!! !!!!___________!!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! ejm !!!! !!!! Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year,.....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "It's been a year!" I said. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument. -<>- You Can Tell - for Sure Someone Is Lying To You... 1. They admit it, and/or &&&&& && a_a& &&&.__/& &&&&__(&&& /|_)_) //) (\ _\\///__'_\\__ `-' \ \ /\ -- \ ( / \ \ / () `. .´___/_____`, gnv//__/ \_\__\ ( . ) ) ( ) . ' . ' . ' . ( , ) (. ) ( ', ) .' ) ( . ) , ( , ) ( . ). , ( . ( ) ( , ') .' ( , ) (_,) . ), ) _) _,') (, ) '. ) ,. (' ) jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2. Their pants catch on fire. -<>- ...A hoax a day keeps the doctor away or... SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER, I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I have no money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave any more because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me wi th a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda Singapore , and Uzbekistan . I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's nephew's friend's beautician. Have a wonderful day. Oh............by the way: A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. @}-->-->---- -<>- This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of Jefferson County after a snowstorm. >Denver News- - WEATHER BULLETIN Up here, in the Northern Plains, we just recovered from a Historic event--- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" --- with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands. FYI: George Bush did not come. FEMA did nothing. No one howled for the government. No one blamed the government. No one even uttered an expletive on TV. Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit. Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else. Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else, either. CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snowstorm. Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards. No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House. No one looted. Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something. Nobody expected the government to do anything, either. No Larry King, No Bill O'Rielly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No Geraldo Rivera. No Shaun Penn, No Barbara Striesand, No Hollywood types to be Found. Nope, we just melted the snow for water. Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars. The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny. Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snowbound families. Families took in the stranded people - total strangers. We fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns. We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die". We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks. Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves. "In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 40 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate." It does seem that way, at least to me. I hope this gets passed on. Maybe SOME people will get the message. The world does Not owe you a living. --- Yeppers - and God says the same thing: 2 Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. -<>- CHRISTIAN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS ,-. ,-. ||,\ -=- /,|| F'\\\,o8o,///`J J'J`,\(".")/,'F`L |F||\ \>PV- Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it... I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? -<>- YOU KNOW YOU WERE LIVING IN 2006 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! ===================================================================== >-->From Our Friends Del, Casey & MrWu :) Food for thought - to tax your brain ) ) __ ( __ (~( __ (~( \O\ )~) )O) )_) (O( (_(__ ( )_) ) )~)__ __ /O/ )~) ) (~( (_( (O( __ \O\ ) )_)(~( \_\ __ )O) ( __________ _ (~( __(_( __ _-' `-_ ,-----' | _ \O\<'~_`) ) )~) / AT FIRST \ | // : | -' )_))^ \\ __(O( ___| I thought this | | // : | --- >__;` (~( )_) `-. Was Soo Funny, | | // : | -._ /\_\ \O\ \ HaHaHaHa!! / `-----._| __ /__( \| )_) `--___________--' _/___\_ //)_`/( (| ||] _____[_______]_[~~-_ (.L)O) || [____________________]' (_(,/(~( ||| / )~) ,___,'./\O\ ||| \ (O(|,'______|( )_) ||| / )_) I==|| __ ||| \ __/_|| __||__)~) -----||-/------`-._/||-o-_o__(O(-- __ ~~~~~' ____ __ /_O_/.\_\ \~\ \_O_\ /~/__/_/O`.o. \O\ ____ /O/_\_O/_/ `.' . \_\ /_O_/ /_/\_O_\ \O\ ,o,' \_\ `.' THEN I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end! Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule. Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think. Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries, then Tax his tears. Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways To tax his ass Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough. When he screams and hollers, Then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good and sore. Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me to my doom..." When he's gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply The inheritance tax. Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax, Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Interest expense Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service charge taxes Social Security Tax Road usage taxes Sales Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone federal excise tax Telephone federal universal service fee tax Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax Telephone state and local tax Telephone usage charge tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? And I still have to "press 1" for English I hope this goes around the world 10 times. =================================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: .::\)`:`, .:;\/~`\``;) ,.~-----, ;;==`_ ~:;( ,,~{*}\~~--,.`. ;:== 6 6;;) ,(((((({*});~~. .\ ;;C } )' (('`)))~({*}) . \ .\ :;` `--'; >6 6`({*}))) . \~~ | `____/ ( { ))())) . .`, ____._| |_____. `--' (((())) . | / \ \__ _| | \ `-- )))))) . .| | ) \/\/\_{@} | ,-| ((((((( . | | \_ \ \ | / | / | / ))))))) .| | |\ : \ |/ | Y | (/*@@*( ' ` ) . | \ \ \_\/_/ | | / */ \ \'/ /. | \ \ |o | | \. \ |'@'| .| \ \ | ; ,'--,.,.,., \ ~*@*~. . | \ \_________._--`((,:{@}.:))_\ |~@~| . | \ ' | ((,{@}:{@}.))-----' ;/\ (, \._____________`-__((;,{@},:))_________/|{ | . ; | | | `';{@},) /`-----'\ |. | | .__/\__ | `{@};,; / / | \ \ \/ .| 'OTHER WOMAN' WHO WON NOW WISHES SHE HADN'T By Abigail Van Buren DEAR ABBY: I am the other woman you rarely hear from. I had an affair with a married man and married him after he divorced his wife. Please warn your female readers that even when an affair leads to marriage, it isn't going to be what they expect. My husband and I have been married nearly nine years. We have a beautiful daughter. She is the only good thing that has come out of this mess. My husband is selfish and cares only about his own needs. His ex-wife still won't speak to me (not that I want her to), and their son barely acknowledges my existence. All I feel is guilt over breaking up their marriage and remorse for the mess I made of my life. So, Abby, if any of your readers are dating a married man -- give them this warning: Run for your life now! He may seem sweet and caring, but that is only because he likes the chase. Once he gets you hooked, you will be treated the same way he treats his present wife. If you complain, he will tell you that you "asked for it." After all, you knew he was married. -- SORRY FOR EVERYTHING IN TEXAS DEAR SORRY: Oh, the lessons that people learn too late. I find it interesting that you describe only men as craving the thrill of the chase. Women, too, get caught up in the excitement and melodrama of seducing another woman's husband. As in your case, they usually wind up getting less than they hoped and more than they bargained for. Read on for a letter that arrived the day after yours: DEAR ABBY: This letter is for all the "other" women out there. I dated "Ray," who claimed his marriage was over. Ray did leave his wife, but he was dishonest with her. In fact, I have learned some pretty hard lessons lately. A married man (or woman) who pursues a new relationship before putting closure on the previous one displays several character flaws: disloyalty, immaturity, dishonesty, and an inability to commit. I was Ray's third wife. He left each of us under the same circumstances. When the going got tough, he bailed. Like most people, Ray had a pattern. He would meet a woman, start a relationship, then leave his wife. Yes, I won the grand prize, but what a mistake! I would have been better off if I hadn't. I have no doubt that Ray loved me very much. However, he lacks the skills to maintain a healthy relationship. No relationship can be healthy if it starts in a deceitful manner. If people truly love each other, they should wait until closure is put on the first relationship. It will allow time for healing. One cannot commit fully to a new job until notice is given and the allotted time spent. The same holds true for a relationship. -- RAY'S THIRD WIFE DEAR WIFE THREE: To quote a well-known advice columnist, "Oh, the lessons we learn too late." Yours was a painful one. But please don't place the blame entirely on Ray. After all, he had a co-conspirator -- you. Pauline Phillips and her daughter Jeanne Phillips share the pseudonym Abigail Van Buren. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. ========================================================================= >-->Calling Tech Support: .-"-. / - -\ \ @ @/ Why Won't my 'ittle puter work any more? (_ <_) _)(` ,_(`_))\ "-\)__/ __|||__ jgs ((__|__)) Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The "cover" turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key. (they gotta be kidden..... ugh!) Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. (DUH!) A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it couldn't find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power button, she asked, "What power button?" Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first. A story from a Novel NetWire SysOp: CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The girl sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and her printer is working fine." And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P." TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" TECH SUPPORT: "P, on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!" Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" ========================================================================== >-->Lines to Confuse and Enlighten... __ _-==-=_,-. /--`' \_@-@.--< `--'\ \ <___/. The wonderful thing about Tiggers, \ \\ " / is Tiggers are wonderful things. >=\\_/`< Their tops are made out of rubber, ____ /= | \_/ their bottoms are made out of springs. _' `\ _/=== \__/ They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, `___/ //\./=/~\====\ Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. \ // / | ===: But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is, | ._/_,__|_ ==: __ I'm the only one. \/ \\ \\`--| / \\ | _ \\: /==:-\ `.__' `-____/ |--|==: \ \ ===\ :==:`-' _> \ ===\ /==/ /==\ | ===\__/--/ <=== \ / ====\ \\/ _`-- \/ === \/--' | \ ==== | -`------/`--' / \___-' unknown Take my advice; I don't use it anyway. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO. Next time you wave, use all your fingers. The only perfect science is hindsight. He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly. A procrastinator's work is never done. My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician. Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights. A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight. I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one. If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns. I was the next door kid's imaginary friend. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. ====================================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: _|_ ____|____ #%@@ /~~~~.~~~~\ @@%# @%%#%%, /~~~~/ \~~~~\ ,%%#%%@ %%@@%%@%/~~~~/ : \~~~~\%@%%@@%% `@%%%@#@/____/ (X) \____\@%%%@#@` @@\@%%@`|.`.| ___ |.`.|`@%%@/@@ `#%/@ |:x:|| .||:x:| @\%#` || |:x:|| ||:x:| || -_|| _-|:x:||~ .||:x:|-_ ||_- !-!-!-!-!-|___||___||___|-!-!-!-!-!lc >Religious Observance May Keep Older People Healthy NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - A new study adds to mounting evidence that older people who regularly attend religious services are healthier than those who don't. Among 1,174 highly functioning men and women in their 70s, those who went to a church, synagogue or mosque at least once a week had a significantly slower decline in their lung function over the following years than their peers who didn't go to services regularly, Dr. Joanna Maselko, now at Temple University in Philadelphia, and her colleagues report. Maselko, who conducted the study while at the Harvard School of Public Health in Boston, used peak expiratory flow rate (PEFR), which measures the volume of air a person is able to expel from the lungs, to gauge lung function in the study participants. At the study's outset, in 1988, 65 percent of female participants and 51 percent of men reported attending religious services regularly. Over the follow-up period, which averaged 4.6 years, PEFR declined twice as much in the people who didn't attend church services regularly compared with those who did. While the more religious individuals were more physically active and also less likely to smoke, these differences didn't account for their better lung function. People experience a steady decline in lung function as they age, and impaired lung function is a key early warning sign of many health problems, making pulmonary health and excellent gauge of overall health, Maselko told Reuters Health. Religious service attendance likely protects people by giving them a supportive community, she added in an interview. "In the US, social isolation among the elderly is a huge problem," she said. "That's associated with all sorts of health problems, mental and physical." Religion can also offer older people a psychological resource for coping with end of life issues, she added, while meditating, praying and singing at religious services may have benefits in and of itself. "The next step in the research is to try to unpack these things." "I don't think the take-home message is if you don't go to church you should start," she added. "It's too early to really say this us what you should do, this is what you shouldn't do." Instead, she said, the findings provide additional evidence that "there's something there." SOURCE: Annals of Behavioral Medicine, November 2006. © Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved. http://today.reuters.com/news/ ======================================================================== >-->Fun Places to Net Visit: >From The MouthPiece: Strange Cosmos Offers an assortment of celebrity pics, as well as dangerous animals pics, vehicles, and political parodies. www.strangecosmos.com/ Strange Cosmos Caricature Zone Play funny free games with celebrity caricatures. Six hundred caricatures of international stars and easy-to-use method of sketching faces with a few clicks. http://www.magixl.com/ Caricature Zone ===================================================================== >--->Still CALLING ALL PET OWNERS... * * __ * ,db' * * ,d8/ * * * 888 `db\ * * `o`_ ** * * * _ * * / ) * (\__/) * ( ( * ,-.,-.,) (.,-.,-.,-.) ).,-.,-. | @| ={ }= | @| / / | @|o | _j__j__j_) `-------/ /__j__j__j_ ________( /___________ | | @| \ || o|O | @| |o | |,'\ , ,'"| | | | hjw vV\|/vV|`-'\ ,---\ | \Vv\hjwVv\//v _) ) `. \ / (__/ ) ) (_/ I am now collecting for my Pet Gallery. Make your pet famous! Email me with any jpg or gif image or images of your pet along with what breed or type of pet they are. Also tell me something cute, funny or interesting about their unique personality. Not just dogs - ANY PET will do - only keep it clean for the family, please. No human pets. You can submit as many pets as you have. Visit the PET PAGE here for reference: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/pets.html Pet Gallery NOW. EMAIL ME with picture(s) and info you want to share with the world: >Make YOUR pet(s) Famous: Pet Glory! ========================================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents." --Billiam Coronel "Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money." --Robin Williams "If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style." --Quentin Crisp "The bear population in the state of New Jersey has sky- rocketed. The rise in the population has caused over 500 complaints. Not surprisingly all the complaints have come from the bears." --Conan O'Brien "According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day." --Jimmy Fallon "Have you heard about this? The Glidden paint company is now selling a line of paints called "team colors" – you can now paint your house the colors of your favorite football team. This is a smart move for guys. This way your wife won't want the house in the divorce." --Jay Leno God is, and all is well. -- John Greenleaf Whittier ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSEE :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Seervice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe ************************************************************************ >TO UNSUBSCRIBE: Remove ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN Listt Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 'BABES INN CHRIST','IN The Beginning', 'Crossing The Line','NEVER Give Up', 'FEAR - Feeling Kind Of Buggy', 'HAUNTINGS', 'Christianity And The Renewed Mind', or 'Curse Of The Law' --BE SURE TO Tell me which one you want or you'll get them all :) >For a Lesson: Teaching ************************************************************************ --Want TIPS to help TEACH A CHILD TO BE SAFFE and STOP ABDUCTIONS? Child Help ************************************************************************ --PHYSICIAN FORMULAS = THE BEST PLACE TO GEET IT: Wanta know more? >Visit their Web Site: PhysicianFormulas ************************************************************************ PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS They keep our service "priceless" -->LET'S Have FUN and Do Some SHOPPING!! We've got patches, Phones, Almonds, and Chains, Furniture, Chocolates, Cheese, and Games. Clothing, flowers, dishes, and shoes, Desserts, Cherished Teddies, and Auto Tools. We've got NCAA, NFL, MLB, and NBA, Disney, Name a star, Movies, and KinKade. Jewelry, furs, leather, and lighting, Music, instruments, and magazines at best pricing. >Take a gander at Shangrala's Yellow Page :) http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/yellow.html Get It Here ***********************************************************************