See Y.O.D.A & More ... :) Shangy! >-->From The FunnyBone: _,,,_ .' `'. / ____ \ | .'_ _\/ Answer To Technical Malfunction / ) a a| / ( > | ( ) ._ / To End User: ) _/-.__.'`\ ( .-'`-. \__ ) This is a very common problem men `/ `-./ `. complain about but is mostly due to a | \ \ \ primary misconception. Many people jgs | \ \ \ \ upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 |\ `. / / \ with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony and Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck Tech Support ====================================================================== >-->STAR WARS -- The Musical oo__ _ _ __oo Jussi Hannula """--,,,_(_)_--_(_)_,,,--""" _>_[____]_<_ ___--""" (_)\__/(_) """--___ Incom's T-65B X-wing Space oo"" ""oo Superiority Starfighter (6) ** Y.O.D.A (To the Village People's "Y.M.C.A") ** (As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker). YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I *MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY* YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say *WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT* _____ .'/L|__`. / =[_]O|` \ |"+_____":| __:='|____`-:__ ||[] ||====| []|| ||[] | |=| | []|| |:||_|=|U| |_||:| |:|||]_=_ =[_||:| LS | |||] [_][]C|| | | ||-'"""""`-|| | /|\\_\_|_|_/_//|\ |___| /|\ |___| R2 Astromech Droid (1) `---' |___| `---' - Front View - `---' You must be here to see Y.O.D.A You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A You must be here to see Y.O.D.A Come and get yourself clean! Come and have a good meal! Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel! YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got *SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM* YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is *MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT* You must be here to see Y.O.D.A You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! ________ _,.-Y | | Y-._ .-~" || | | | "-. I" ""=="|" !""! "|"[]""| _____ L__ [] |..------|: _[----I" .-{"-. I___| ..| l______|l_ [__L]_[I_/r(=}=-P [L______L_[________]______j~ '-=c_]/=-^ \_I_j.--.\==I|I==_/.--L_] [_((==)[`-----"](==)j I--I"~~"""~~"I--I |[]| |[]| l__j l__j |!!| |!!| |..| |..| ([]) ([]) ]--[ ]--[ [_L] [_L] -Row /|..|\ /|..|\ `=}--{=' `=}--{=' .-^--r-^-. .-^--r-^-. Imperial AT-AT (1) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You must be here to see Y.O.D.A You must be here to see Y.O.D.A Don't just stand in the rain! You're all covered with mud! come and sample my homemade crud! OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha *HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE* YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be GOING, off to save all your friends? To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you *WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK* You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A You should stay here and train! You don't have to save Han! If you do so, you'll lose your hand! ____ _.' : `._ .-.'`. ; .'`.-. __ / : ___\ ; /___ ; \ __ ,'_ ""--.:__;".-.";: :".-.":__;.--"" _`, :' `.t""--.. '<@.`;_ ',@>` ..--""j.' `; `:-.._J '-.-'L__ `-- ' L_..-;' "-.__ ; .-" "-. : __.-" L ' /.------.\ ' J "-. "--" .-" __.l"-:_JL_;-";.__ .-j/'.; ;"""" / .'\"-. .' /:`. "-.: .-" .'; `. .-" / ; "-. "-..-" .-" : "-. .+"-. : : "-.__.-" ;-._ \ ; \ `.; ; : : "+. ; You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. (repeat and fade). ================================================================ >-->A Timely Tip from Our friend Bob :) >NEW FORM OF KIDNAPPING Please take a minute to read this. This is very scary and could happen to any of us.. Seems like every nice thing people do for one another can be perverted. A new twist on kidnapping from a very smart survivor: About a month ago there was a woman standing by the mall entrance passing out flyers to all the women going in. The woman had written the flyer herself to tell about an experience she had, so that she might warn other women. The previous day, this woman had finished shopping, went out to her car and discovered that she had a flat. She got the jack out of the trunk and began to change the flat. A nice man dressed in a business suit and carrying a briefcase walked up to her and said, "I noticed you're changing a flat tire. Would you like me to take care of it for you?" The woman was Grateful for his offer and accepted his help. They chatted amiably while the man changed the flat, and then put the flat tire and the jack in the trunk, shut it and dusted his hands off. The woman thanked him profusely, and as she was about to get in her car, the man told her that he left his car around on the other side of the mall, and asked if she would mind giving him a lift to his car. She was a little surprised and she asked him why his car was on other side. He explained that he had seen an old friend in the mall that he hadn't seen for some time and they had a bite to eat, visited for a while, and he got turned around in the mall and left through the wrong exit, and now he was running late.. The woman hated to tell < div>him "no" because he had just rescued her from having to change her flat tire all by herself, but she felt uneasy. (Trust that gut feeling!) Then she remembered seeing the man put his briefcase in her trunk before shutting it and before he asked her for a ride to his car. She told him that she'd be happy to drive him around to his car, But she just remembered one last thing she needed to buy. (Smart woman!!) She said she would only be a few minutes; he could sit down in her car and wait for her; she would be as quick as she could be. She hurried into the mall, and told a security guard what had happened, the guard came out to her car with her, but the man had left. They opened the trunk, took out his locked briefcase and took it down to the police station. The police opened it (ostensibly to look for ID so they could return it to the man). What they found was rope, duct tape, and knives. When the police checked her "flat" tire, there was nothing wrong with it; the air had simply been let out. It was obvious what the man's intention was, and obvious that he had carefully thought it out in advance. The woman was blessed to have escaped harm. (Amen?thank you, God!) How much worse it would have been if she had children with her and had them wait in the car while the man fixed the tire, or if she had a baby strapped into a car seat? Or if she'd gone against her judgment and given him a lift? I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life.! A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only; but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it on to them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that The world we live in has a lot of crazies in it. Better to be safe than sorry. PLEASE BE SAFE AND NOT SORRY!! JUST A WARNING TO ALWAYS BE ALERT AND USE YOUR HEAD!!! ================================================================== >-->From The Jokester: Father Norton Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" -<>- Pray For Rain One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain." The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious. "We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said. "But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe." "Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?" -<>- oo |" | --' Worms A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?" A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" ================================================================== >-->A Classic from our friend DancinGirl :) A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, __,,,,_ _ __..-;''`--/'/ /.',-`-. (`/' ` | \ \ \\ / / / / .-'/`,_ /'`\ \ | \ | \| // // / -.,/_,'-, /<7' ; \ \ | ; ||/ /| | \/ |`-/,/-.,_,/') / _.-, `,-\,__| _-| / \ \/|_/ | '-/.;.\' `-` f/ ; / __/ \__ `/ |__/ | `-' | -| =|\_ \ |-' | __/ /_..-' ` ),' // fL ((__.-'((___..-'' \__.' it's a tiger." So, her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, and then looks at the box. He then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cupe of tea and then," he sighed, "We'll put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box." ====================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Becky :) |\ |\ |\ |\ || .---. || .---. || .---. || .---. ||/_____\ ||/_____\ ||/_____\ ||/_____\ ||( '.' ) ||( '.' ) ||( '.' ) ||( '.' ) || \_-_/_ || \_-_/_ || \_-_/_ || \_-_/_ :-"`'V'//-. :-"`'V'//-. :-"`'V'//-. :-"`'V'//-. / , |// , `\ / , |// , `\ / , |// , `\ / , |// , `\ / /|Ll //Ll|| | / /|Ll //Ll|| | / /|Ll //Ll|| | / /|Ll //Ll|| | /_/||__// || | /_/||__// || | /_/||__// || | /_/||__// || | \ \/---|[]==|| | \ \/---|[]==|| | \ \/---|[]==|| | \ \/---|[]==|| | \/\__/ | \| | \/\__/ | \| | \/\__/ | \| | \/\__/ | \| | /\|_ | Ll_\ | /|/_ | Ll_\ | /|/_ | Ll_\ | /|/_ | Ll_\ | `--|`^"""^`||_| `--|`^"""^`||_| `--|`^"""^`||_| `--|`^"""^`||_| | | ||/ | | ||/ | | ||/ | | ||/ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | L___l___J L___l___J L___l___J L___l___J |_ | _| |_ | _| |_ | _| |_ | _| jgs (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ A Simple Request... I understand the weather in Iraq is very difficult to bear right now. Our troops need our prayers for strength, endurance and safety. Send this on after a short prayer; "Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Amen." When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world. There's nothing attached; just send this, please - of all the gifts you could give a US Soldier, Sailor, Airman, or Marine deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best!!! Thank you. -<>- This is one of the prettiest emails I have ever received. ...I agreed, so I made it into a web page for all of us to enjoy. You can view the pictures here: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/dreamy.html Dreamy Ladies Thanks Becky for sharing these pictures with us! ===================================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting. -<>- A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and said, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" -<>- David Beckham, the famous English soccer player, is teaching his new son Romeo the finer points about soccer. After a while Romeo asks his Dad what number he should have on his uniform when he starts playing for a team. David replied "Wear 4 out there Romeo." [Thanks to Tom in Western Australia. Good on'ya, Mate.] -<>- A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con- ciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!" -<>- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. =================================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: FOOTBALL Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his Mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son." "I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit." -<>- A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What do you mean?" "All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!" -<>- This Texan decides to try skydiving. He jumps out of the plane, pulls the ripcord and nothing happens. On the way down he passes a guy going up, so he hollers, "Hey, y'all know anything about parachutes?" The guy says, "No, do you know anything about gas barbecues?" -<>- An advertising salesman was seeking advertisements for the local paper. He stopped in the village store to make his pitch, but the old, grizzled proprietor was adamant. "Don't need 'em," he said. "Been in business nearly 80 years and never advertised." "Could you tell me what that building is on the hill?" inquired the salesman. "That's the village church." "Been there long?" was the next question. "Oh, 'bout 300 years," reckoned the storekeeper. "Well," said the persistent salesman, "they still ring the bell every week, don't they?" By way of Pastor Tim's Illustrations List -<>- The Bible Mahatma Gandhi spoke forcefully to Christians when he said, "You Christians have in your keeping a document with enough dynamite in it to blow the whole of civilization to bits, to turn society upside down, to bring peace to this war-torn world. But you read it as if it were just good literature, and nothing else." -<>- Quick Joke: In case you are ever at a bar and someone asks for your number and you don't want to give it to them and you are not interested and you don't have the heart to reject them flat out then use the New York Rejection number. It is too funny. Give it a try if you are ever in desperate need. 212-479-7990 -<>- A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Throckmorton, take off my dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton, take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Throckmorton, remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied. Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton, If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired. -<>- A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake." -<>- -=- (\ _ /) (`\(")/') (`/\') \\/^\// / \ hjw / \ `-._.-' One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going. * * Do you know what that E-mail said? * * * * Oh! You didn't get one either? -<>- Pancakes-A receipe for LIFE Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten. Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove (and he didn't know how the stove worked!). Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process. That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried... Please pass some of this love on to others....suppose one morning you were called to God; do all your friends know you love them? ====================================================================== >-->From VAJOE: \\ ///// | | (| _ _ |) |` | '| | __ | >>>___/\_^__/\___<<< / ||| \ Mike Hertz >Zip It In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again she was unable to make the step. About this time a large Marine gunnery sergeant who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!, I don't even know who you are!" The gunny smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." Submitted by marine_lar0311. http://www.vajoe.com/comedy/jokes.html ======================================================================= >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: They Say You're Only Young Once. After That, You'll Need Another Excuse. -<>- Mr. and Mrs. Miller are retired, and Mrs. Miller insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Miller loves to browse. One day Mrs. Miller got this letter from Wal-Mart: Dear Mrs. Miller, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Miller are listed below. Things Mr. Miller has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" And last, but not least ... 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" -<>- >YOU GREW UP IN RURAL MIDWEST IF.......... You know how to polka, but never tried it sober... You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means. You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance. You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better! You buy Christmas presents at Farm Supply. You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding. You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter. You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at the county fair. You know that "combine" is a noun. You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter. You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions. You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick." Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set. A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer. Saturday you go to your local bowling alley. There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning... You have driven your car on the lake. You can make sense of "upnort" and "batree." Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance. Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar. The local gas station sells live bait. At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant. You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday. Pop is the only name for soda. You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your friends! -<>- Q. Why is it called Scotland Yard if it's not in Scotland? A. The headquarters of the London Metropolitan Police, begun in 1829, had its original headquarters at Number 4 Whitehall Place--right next door to the buildings that used to house kings and other important visitors from Scotland. The surrounding area came to be known as Scotland Yard and the name stuck to the police facility, even after the police moved to new offices (dubbed "New Scotland Yard") in 1890. New Scotland Yard moved in 1967 to the Westminster section of London, where it remains to this day. It was founded by Sir Robert Peel and ever since, police officers have been called "bobbies", after Sir Robert's nickname. - 1997 World Book Encyclopedia ============================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) [AOL and Others may have to copy and aste these links] >From The MouthPiece: New York Public Library's Digital Gallery Lose yourself in this vast collection of rare prints, vintage maps, manuscripts, posters, photographs, sheet-music covers, dust jackets, menus, cigarette cards and other artifacts. http://www.digitalgallery.nypl.org NY Public Library Perfect People Perfect People is the largest high-quality online directory of celebrity posters, photos, pictures, filmographies, wallpapers. http://www.perfectpeople.net/ Perfect People -<>- >From Lynn's Links: WAR PICS: Daily With The Troops http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/daily.html Understanding Genetics http://www.thetech.org/exhibits/online/ugenetics/ World's Richest People http://www.forbes.com/worldsrichest/ VALENTINE Animated GIFs: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/agifs_u-z.html Free Web Design Templates http://feeds.pirillo.com/~r/Picks/~3/85379818/ Extract Audio From Videos http://feeds.pirillo.com/~r/Picks/~3/85379819/ To subscribe send a blank email to lynnlynns-links-subscribe@egroups.com ============================================================ >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2 percent of people actually shave while they’re driving. They shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those women? --Jay Leno "Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation." --Kin Hubbard "President Bush visited the New York Stock Exchange. It was an awkward moment when President Bush asked, "When do I get to meet Dow Jones?" --Conan O'Brien "I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." --P. J. O'Rourke "Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way." -- Harry Hill "Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off." --Buzz Nutley "One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention." -- Clifton Fadiman >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Seervice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe ************************************************************************ >TO UNSUBSCRIBE: Remove ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN Listt Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 'BABES INN CHRIST','IN The Beginning', 'Crossing The Line','NEVER Give Up', 'FEAR - Feeling Kind Of Buggy', 'HAUNTINGS', 'Christianity And The Renewed Mind', or 'Curse Of The Law' --BE SURE TO Tell me which one you want or you'll get them all :) >For a Lesson: Teaching ************************************************************************ --Want TIPS to help TEACH A CHILD TO BE SAFFE and STOP ABDUCTIONS? Child Help ************************************************************************ --PHYSICIAN FORMULAS = THE BEST PLACE TO GEET IT: Wanta know more? >Visit their Web Site: PhysicianFormulas ************************************************************************ PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS They keep our service "priceless" -->LET'S Have FUN and Do Some SHOPPING!! We've got patches, Phones, Almonds, and Chains, Furniture, Chocolates, Cheese, and Games. Clothing, flowers, dishes, and shoes, Desserts, Cherished Teddies, and Auto Tools. We've got NCAA, NFL, MLB, and NBA, Disney, Name a star, Movies, and KinKade. Jewelry, furs, leather, and lighting, Music, instruments, and magazines at best pricing. >Beat The Crowds - Let Your MOUSE Do the Walking! :) http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/yellow.html Get It Here ***********************************************************************