Signs, Frogs And Laundry - Oh My! ... :) Shangy!
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
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================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This flaming hot new page is from our friends Linda, Johanna
and LouiseAu. It is one to tickle your funny bone and give
you plenty of smiles for your day. Be sure to check it out
here...
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Look Who's Talking 15!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/talking15.html
---
...Teehee! I do love this series! Thanks Ladies!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
\\\
____ ________```
\ =|- [________] \
| =| | _ | | \ __
ejm |__=|- O--(_) `.______.' \ O=======(__)
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>Signs Found In The Kitchen
1. So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
2. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
3. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
4. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
5. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
6. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
7. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
8. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
9. If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
10. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
11. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
12. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
14. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
16. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on
to lead normal lives.
17. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.
19. Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
20. Martha Stewart doesn't live here either!!
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
November 18 is Push Button Phone Day
November 19 is Have a Bad Day Day
November 20 is Absurdity Day, Beautiful Day and Universal Children's
Day
November 21 is False Confession Day, Great American Smokeout and
World Hello Day
November 22 is Go For a Ride Day
November 23 is Eat a Cranberry Day, National Adoption Day, National
Cashew Day and National Espresso Day
November 24 is All Our Uncles are Monkeys Day, Evolution Day and
Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
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>Fix-It Skills
So this guy has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any
home-repair project.
For example, his garage was littered with the pieces of a lawn mower
he once tried to fix.
One day his wife found him in the living room, attacking the vacuum
cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate!" he
exclaimed.
His wife replied, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show
it the lawn mower?"
-<>-
>Accepting Authority
A woman in our office was promoted to supervisor and some of the
older male workers were having difficulty accepting her authority.
While she instructed one such subordinate, he interrupted with,
"Young lady, I'm old enough to be your father."
"And," she replied, "I'm old enough to be your supervisor."
-<>-
>The Right Filling
A little boy was having a dental visit. Examination revealed that he
had a cavity, which needed filling.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you
like for that tooth, amalgam or composite?"
"I would prefer chocolate, please," he replied.
-<>-
>Workaholic
As an attorney in a major law firm, I have many colleagues who work
long hours. However, the reputation of one of my partner's workaholic
ways even extended beyond the office. He not only had to leave work
early one day because of a medical problem, but was also told by his
doctor to stay home until the end of the week. My colleague
grudgingly agreed to comply.
In the middle of the week, our receptionist received a call for him.
She announced that the partner was out of the office until Friday.
"Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to know." It was the
partner's doctor.
-<>-
>Speech Therapy
My grandfather had a stroke a few years ago, and since then he hasn't
been able to speak much. Hospitalized after a recent heart attack, he
was visited by his speech therapist.
As if talking to a child, she said, "All right, I'm going to put
three items in different places in the room, and I want you to tell
me where I put them."
My grandfather answered, "The pen is on the table, the book is on the
bed and the glass is on the nightstand."
"Very good!" said the therapist in the same patronizing tone.
"I'll be back to see you again in two days."
As she reached the door, my grandfather added, "And your keys are on
the window ledge."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
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>Smiles
The man says to his hair stylist, "My hair is falling out. What can
I use to keep it in?"
The stylist replies, "Might I suggest a shoebox?"
----------
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the
week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW TABLET..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
----------
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was
getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available
for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed
in our 19th-century home. Showing a friend around the house, I
pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take towels."
----------
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam
after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor
picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this
chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting
to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class
however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group
wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely
written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What
chair?"
----------
A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending
faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his
normal habit.
The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one
morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at
services with your good wife!"
"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter
of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."
-------
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a trip when their
car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to
spend the night in a hotel.
The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under
the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.
I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the
room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own darn blanket.
----------
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Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome price, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
price that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup
housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful
and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so!"
----------
The pilot announces the plane, due to faulty gauges, is running out
of fuel, and they're going to crash into the ocean. A woman jumps up
and yells, "If I'm going to die, I want to die like a fulfilled
woman." She rips her clothes off and screams, "Is there anyone on
this plane who can make me feel like a fulfilled woman?"
A man jumps into the aisle, tears off his shirt and hands it to
her, demanding, "Here, iron this!"
----------
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You
are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you
a prescription for some tranquilizers that I want you to start
taking regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers
calmed you down any?" "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do
wonders for me." "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Who cares?"
she replied.
---
...Oh Gee! HahAha! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
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/ O * maytag \ / O O maytag \ |
|____________| |____________| |
| ____________ || | |
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|| ]||| | |
/\ ____ || ||| | _______ |
[| ||Tide|||____________||| | |#####| |
__|__||____||______________||______________|__|#####|___|
|#####| jro\
The lifespan of an average washing machine is around a decade.
Same with your dryer. But if you're doing these things, you
could be cutting it short.
* You're over-stuffing your machine
Neither washers nor dryers work optimally when overstuffed,
and worse, they have to work harder than they should when
they're too full. That increases wear and tear on the
machine's mechanisms such as the washing machine's central
agitator. Plus, if you pack too many clothes into the
machine, some detergent residue could be left behind.
* Using too much detergent
Using more detergent than recommended is bad for your
washing machine. Using too much soap leads to more suds,
which could cause your washer to overflow. Have a high-
efficiency washer? They require even less soap to wash
clothing properly, so be sure to skimp on the detergent
and only use soaps marked safe for HE washers.
* Not regularly maintaining your dryer vent
Maintaining your dryer vent (the tube that directs
moisture and lint out of the dryer drum and out of the
house) is crucial to keeping your dryer in good working
order. A good rule-of-thumb is to have your dryer vent
inspected and cleaned out once per year.
* Overusing dryer sheets
Dryer sheets might make your clothing soft, static-free,
and smell fresh, but they have a waxy layer that melts in
the dryer. Using too many can gum up the appliance. But no
matter how many dryer sheets you use, you need to be cleaning
your lint trap on a regular basis--not just cleaning out the
lint but actually removing the lint trap and soaking it in
sudsy water every couple of months (or more often if you're
also using fabric softener in the washing machine, which
also leaves a residue in the dryer).
-<>-
_
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|_____/\_____| jgs
Considering that 100 years ago, doing the laundry involved
some serious muscles, we are pretty lucky to be able to toss
clothes into a machine and have them come out clean. Even
still, keeping a busy household in fresh garments, sheets
and towels isn't always easy. Following are a few tips to
make laundry easier and more efficient.
* Do laundry more often. This may be counterintuitive, but if
you count laundry among your least favorite chores, saving
it up to do all in one go will ruin your day. Try dividing
the task into smaller chunks throughout the week. The job
will be much less intimidating.
* Do separate loads for each person. One of the more time-
consuming parts of doing laundry is sorting out whose
clothes are whose when they come out of the dryer. Avoid
this issue entirely by giving each person their own laundry
basket and only running one person's clothes at a time.
* Turn clothes right side out before folding. This is a habit
that some people will pick up faster than others, but it
can make a big difference in the speed with which you can
fold a load of clothing.
* Put socks in mesh bags. If trying to match socks from the
laundry is your idea of hell, treat yourself to a few
zippered mesh bags - they will change your life. Each person
puts his or her socks into a mesh bag, zips it up and
tosses it in the laundry. When the bags come out of the
dryer, the socks are all together and ready to be returned
to their rightful owner.
* Keep your washer fresh by leaving the door ajar after each
load. Washing machines, especially the new high-efficiency
models, have a very tight seal, which means that moisture
trapped after running a load of laundry can't escape,
leading to mildew (and stinky smells). Prevent this
problem by leaving the washer door open a crack after
each load. Some new models come with a magnetic door latch
for this purpose.
---
...My laundry is fairly easy compared to how my mom made
me do it. Her way was twice a week and separate all the
clothes into like colors and fabric. Then do as many as
3 loads on each laundry day. One person (me) had to gather,
wash, dry by dryer or by hanging out on the clothes line,
fold, iron, sort and finally put all the laundry away in
its proper place in every one's room and bathroom.
Now, I do not separate clothes. Each person puts their own
clothes and towels in the washer when dirty. Once the washer
is full, I do the load up, dry the load, separate every one's
clothes out so they can put them away, and then fold and put
the towels away. If an item requires ironing, we don't buy it.
I do separate loads only for bedding.
-<>-
>'Go Green' Hints:
If your washing machine has a setting for the amount of
clothing you're washing, choose a low setting--you'll
use less water and your clothes will get just as clean.
Using cold water can save up to 80% of the energy required
to wash clothes.
Use less hot water. Washing your clothes in cold or warm
instead of hot water can save as much as 500 pounds of
carbon dioxide per year.
The average washing machine uses about 41 gallons of
water per load, whereas newer, high-efficiency models
use less than 28 gallons of water per load.
-<>-
Conserving water by only washing full loads and saving
energy by using cold water instead of hot are not the
only ways you can be environmentally conscious in the
laundry room.
* Detergents. Components such as colorants really aren't
necessary - they are often just there to make them
pleasing to the eye as you pour them out. Fragrances are
of particular concern as companies often aren't required
to detail what these are comprised of. Just about every
supermarket these days offers "earth friendly" detergents
and usually you'll find they are quite a bit cheaper too
due to the no-frills, low active chemical approach - yet
they can be just as effective.
* If you need a bit of extra punch to your wash in terms
of bleaching, consider adding a 1/2 cup of lemon juice to
the rinse cycle. By the way, a teaspoon of lemon juice
thrown into your wash can also help your clothes to smell
fresher.
* Other more environmentally friendly alternatives to
brightening are a half cup of baking soda thrown into
the wash, or half a cup of borax.
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Five stories President Trump doesn’t want you to miss
https://www.whitehouse.gov/
Westwing News: It’s Democracy — Not Trump — That’s on Trial
on Capitol Hill:
“Public impeachment hearings have begun in Washington, but nothing
has changed. The Ukraine ‘rebound’ scandal simply follows from the
Russia collusion probe as the latest front in a smoothly operating,
taxpayer-funded, propaganda war of political intimidation: an attempt
not only to undermine President Trump, but also to demoralize and
break the will of those who voted for him,” Augustus Howard writes
in the New York Post.
“Democrats, trying to ‘move on’ from the disastrous testimony of
Robert Mueller, offer us a new cadre of government-insider witnesses,
most of whose evidence would be laughed out of any courtroom in
America.”
House Democrats’ real goal is to tell President Trump’s supporters
that “those who dared challenge the permanent, elite government
class — to know they can never win.” - read more:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/
WhiteHouseNews: Huge drop in border apprehensions
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert: Beef, Poultry, Microwaves
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert: These Infections Are Killing Twice as Many
Americans as Once Thought
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
A New Jersey man who walked into a deli in Lower Township
and allegedly threatened workers with a samurai sword has
been taken into custody. The incident started when Ryan
Crump walked into American Deli with his sword and demanded
that store employees give back his cellphone.
"I thought we were going to get killed. He said he was
going to slice all of us up," deli employee Lee DeBiase
reported. "He told us he was going to jump across the
counter and that we better find his cellphone fast." When
the cellphone didn't appear, Crump brought out the sword.
"He took it out like he thought he was a samurai master.
He started pointing it at everybody and swinging it around.
He came pretty close to our faces and everything," said
American employee Mike Houseman. "I thought he was going
to cut my face open with it."
"Another inch or so, Mike wouldn't have an eye or a nose,"
added deli worker David Valley. Someone called 911 and
Lower Township Police arrived on the scene. Crump was
arrested and charged with three counts of aggravated
assault, terrorist threats and other weapons offenses.
Luckily no one was injured. "When you look down at the
blade of a samurai, your whole life changes," DeBiase said.
-<>-
We have all read those stories about some druggy who calls
the police because his dealer ripped him off (or the story
of the pot grower who called the police because somebody
broke into his grow-house and stole a bunch of his pot
plants). There was even a story about a guy who called the
police because a hooker "stole" his money without providing
service. But today's story is a new one on me.
A Houston woman who says she is a stripper is being sued in
small claims court by one of her customers.
Her stage name is Nomi. She says she works in a Houston
strip club and admits she went out a few times with one of
her customers named Robert.
"I've never heard of a customer suing a stripper," Nomi
said. "I just don't understand how this person can sue me
for money that he freely gave. I would never have even taken
it had I known I had to pay it back."
I'm sure.
Robert wouldn't say much, but confirms he met Nomi at a
strip club. He says she owes him about $3,000 worth of DVDs,
a laptop and cash, and he's suing to get it back.
I didn't know strippers accepted laptops. How do you fit it
in the G-string, I wonder.
Gerald Treece, attorney and law professor at South Texas
College of Law, said it comes down to whether it was all
gifts. "It has no really great legal value," he said. "It
was 'wow' value, and it all depends on whose facts the court
believes."
-<>-
*--- Mmmm, That's Good Poop Gin ---&
The makers of a South African gin infused with elephant dung
swear their use of the animal's excrement is no gimmick. The
creators of Indlovu Gin, Les and Paula Ansley, stumbled
across the idea a year ago on a safari after learning that
elephants eat a variety of fruits and flowers and yet digest
less than a third of it. "As a consequence, in the elephant
dung, you get the most amazing variety of these botanicals,"
Les Ansley said. "Why don't we let the elephants do the hard
work of collecting all these botanicals and we will make gin
from it?" They described the gin's flavor as "lovely, wooded,
almost spicy, earthy" and one that changes subtly with the
seasons and location. They decided to name the gin Indlovu,
which means elephant in the Zulu language. The couple did
not say how much of the gin they have sold. A bottle sells
for around 500 rand, or about $32.
*--- The City of Angels ---*
A homeless man dumped a bucket of "hot" diarrhea on a Los
Angeles woman near the Hollywood Walk of Fame - an unprovoked
attack that's left her with PTSD, she said this week. Heidi
Van Tassel said she was about to drive home from a Thai
restaurant near the famed tourist area when the alleged
assailant, Jere Blessings, dragged her out of her vehicle.
He pulled her into the middle of the street, where he dumped
a bucket of feces over her head, she said. "It was diarrhea.
Hot liquid," Van Tassel reported. "I was soaked, and it was
coming off my eyelashes and into my eyes." Referring to the
amount of feces used in the attack, paramedics who treated
her said that it "looked like the man was saving it up for
a month." Blessings - who was described as a transient who
suffers from mental illness - was sent by a judge to a
residential facility for people with mental health issues.
*--- Too Much Exercise Will Kill You ---*
Sometimes people die for a reason. Some people just get sick
and die for no reason at all. Then there are the people who
get run over while doing pushups, naked in the street. The
unfortunate fitness enthusiast was 43-year-old James Earl
Hunter of Oregon. Portland Police were called to a report
of a man running naked in traffic at 4 a.m. As officers
responded, a second report came in that the naked man was
doing push-ups in the street. Then, a third report that he'd
been struck by a vehicle. Officers and emergency medical
workers found the man, deceased, according to the Portland
Police Bureau. The driver of the vehicle that struck the man
remained at the scene and was cooperative. The driver was
not impaired by alcohol or drugs, according to police.
*--- Pervert Pilot Gets $300,000 Payday ---*
The nerve of some people. Andrew Collins, who works as a
pilot for United Airlines, decided to show off his goodies
while staying in a Westin hotel at Denver International
Airport. The veteran pilot said when he woke up in the
morning he opened the curtains and began walking around
his room naked. Someone saw him and decided to complain.
"That didn't mean I was standing there doing any lewd
behavior," Collins reported. "I just had an expectation
of privacy." Probably because his room was on the 10th
floor. Sounds like deviant behavior to me. Collins'
attorney said the two responding Denver police officers
went too far when they entered the room without a warrant
and arrested the captain for indecent exposure. The case
was eventually dismissed, but not before Collins was
suspended for half a year from his job. The City of Denver
agreed to pay $300,000 for the wrongful arrest. Not bad
for showing off your willie.
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
~ ~
( o )o)
( o )o )o)
(o( ~~~~~~~~o
( )' ~~~~~~~'
( )|) |-.
o| _ |-. \
o| |_||_) | \ \
| | ||_) | | |
o| | / /
| |." "
| |- '
.========. mb
>A Case of Beer
A guy is walking down the street with a case of beer
under his arm.
His friend stops him and asks, "Hey! Whatcha got that
case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" the guys answers.
"Wow," exclaims his friend, "Great trade."
-<>-
>My Son Swallowed A Quarter
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out,
"My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please,
anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he
was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped
over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his
arms around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped
the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though
nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a
paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
-<>-
>I Knew the Answer!
A boy comes home and proudly announces to his parents,
"Mom, Dad, the teacher asked the class a question today
and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"
The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing
Lenny! And what was the question?"
Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"
-<>-
_..._ ___
.:::::::. `"-._.-''.
, /:::::::::\ ': \ _._
\:-::::::::::::\ :. | /|.-' /:::\
\::::::::\:::::| ': | | / |:::|
`:::::::|:::::\ ': | `\ | __ |\::/\
`-:::-|::::::| ': | .`\ .\_.' `.__/ |
|::::::\ ':. | \ ';:: /.-._ , /
|:::::::| :. / ,`\;:: \'./0) |_.-/
;:::::::| ': | \.`;::. `` | |
\::::::/ :' / _\::::' / /
\::::| :' / ,=:;::/ |
\:::| :' | (='` // / |
\::\ `: / '--' | /\ |
\:::. `:_|.-"""-. \__.-'/::\ |
'::::.:::...:::. '. /:::| |
'::/::::::::::::. '-.__.:::::| |
|::::::::::::\::..../::::::| /
|:::::::::::::|::::/::::::://
\:::::::::::::|'::/::::::::/
/\::::::::::::/ /:::::::/:|
|::';:::::::::/ |::::::/::;
|:::/`-:::::;;-._ |:::::/::/
|:::| `-::::\ `|::::/::/
jgs |:::| \:::\ \:::/::/
/:::/ \:::\ \:/\:/
(_::/ \:::;__ \\_\\___
(_:/ \::):):)\:::):):)
`" `""""` `""""""`
>(Et-Ahems!) Q and A Quickies
Q: How can you tell if a woman's wearing pantyhose or knee-high's?
A: If her ankles swell when she farts.
Q: What do you call it when someone eats refried beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Q: What did the mother skunk say to her teenage skunk?
A: Don't stink and drive.
Q: Why couldn't the skeleton fart in front of his friends?
A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: Why doesn't Chuck Norris fart?
A: Because nothing escapes Chuck Norris.
Q: Why should you never fart on an elevator?
A: It's wrong on so many levels.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette,....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
_____
(((\\\\\
)_ \\\|
/ \\|\/
\\( ), &
\) ( ((
|` \\ ))) _
| \` __| `
| , \ ` , \
| \ ,\ , \
' \/ \_ \/ \
`_,`-._ ` \
ejm / `-. _ \ `
/ ,`. \
=== / '== =`. | ====
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/______| / , ========
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\ \
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\_____ \
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'-- '
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office
and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband
for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an
affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget
that it ever happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."
-<>-
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told
when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me,
and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final
arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
-<>-
A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power.
She had made her family's favorite cake over the weekend,
she explained, and they had eaten half of it. The next
day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself
a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she had
polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be
disappointed.
"What did he say when he found out?" one club member
asked.
"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and
ate half."
-<>-
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing
machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
-<>-
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then
ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant
for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in
her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears
rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-
old's antics and pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through
clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never
eat out with us again!"
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look
dear," he said. "Quality time!"
-<>-
[This is an old, old one, but still one of my favorites...]
A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be
the first in their family to go to college. So he and his
wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes
for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest
he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas
break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy,
you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell
me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last
week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks
his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on
schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why
everybody knows pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"
=========================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
___
.- \
/ _ \
| / \ \
\| \ \
\ \ \
\ \ \
\ _\ \
\ / \
\| |
\ ~ |
\.__ ~ \
\ \
\ \
\ \
\ ._=_\
\/ >
` \\\
. \\\\ .
. |||| . .
_________________
<_________________>
\ _________o___ /
\ o . /
\ . /
\ /
| |
| |
| |
| |
___| |___
_-- --_
-----------
>Housewarming Gift
When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather
than rented, two of my husband's old collage roommates gave
him a bottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting
settled, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten.
Three years later we held a naming party for our third child,
a daughter who had just been born. Champagne flowed in celebration
until, running short, we remembered our housewarming gift.
In front of our guests, I opened the attached card and read it
aloud:
"David, take good care of this one, it's yours!"
-<>-
Last time I stepped on the scale it said, "to be continued".
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it
out, you lose interest
-<>-
,
(`-.-/( .:::::.,
`-.__) ``:\:: . /7_.-,
'. -. - - `:::' .- ( `_.=
\ `--._ / _?'` ___.-' -`"'
\ - / )----'''' - .-'
`--.. `--' ,' .-'
`\ --' )---''
) )
| _|
( \
L /
| \
)__ _ \
\ `---' `--'
L \
| \ \
\ L )
L_ ( \
| \ . J
a:f | `. \
_.-`--=' \ )
( _-' `--'\
'"' / ' J
(,_./
>You might live in Florida if:
You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with
the first names of Charley, Frances, Ivan or Jeanne.
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any
given time.
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it.
You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows,
to accent the house color.
You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy."
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than
"screened in."
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer
months.
You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster. You
now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase
really means.
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear
protector and face shield for Christmas.
You now think the $10000 whole house generator seems reasonable.
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy."
You know how to "back-feed" the 220 line through the dryer plug.
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed,
block or dry ice."
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof
shingles from your neighborhood. You have a 5-gallon bucket of
roofing tar in the garage.
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw. Now, you're
considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw.
Your street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted.
You now own 5 large ice chests.
You can cook "anything" on a propane grill.
You own more than one 5-gallon gas can.
You know what "Bar chain oil" is.
You've spent more than $20 on "tall white kitchen bags"
to make your own sandbags.
Your parrot can now say hammered, pounded and hunker down.
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood
locations, and you have the personal cell phone numbers of
the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at
Home Depot or Lowes on your speed dialer.
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a
convoy of power company trucks come down your street, but
you're depressed when they don't stop.
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap
and parade around in front of your picture window, when you
finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with
the noisy generator, doesn't get electric.
And finally, you might be a Floridian if:
You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday
Real Estate classifieds!
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Humorous Signs 5
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hsigns5.html
Only ONE Job 4
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/onejob4.htm
A Little Froggy
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/frogart.html
Lion And Tiger Sheep Herders
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lionandtiger.html
Life's Little Oops 14!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops14.html
Big Boy Toys!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bigboytoys.html
Awesome Bikes!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/awesomebikes.html
Salute To Texas!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/salutetexas.html
Fun With Seniors!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/seniorfun.html
High Tech Toys 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/techtoys2.html
Only In Australia!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/australia.html
Stainless VS Gold!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/stainlesscar.html
Humor With Golf!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/golfhumor.html
Men Will Be Boys!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menboys.html
IRONIC Isn't It 3?
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/irony3.html
Morons at Work 5!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mwork5.html
Great White Shark!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/greatwhite.html
Dangerous Critters!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dangerouscritters.html
Grizzly Bear Killed!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/grizzly.html
Shopping With Men!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menshopping.html
Most Expensive Cars!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/expensivecars.html
Fall/Vets/Thanksgiving Index!
https://tinyurl.com/y4xyz2w8
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
A wonderful look at the ocean and the creatures that inhabit it
narrated by Sir David Attenborough. If you enjoy watching the
wonderful Planet Earth series from the BBC then you'll be happy to
know that Blue Planet II will be coming to BBC America in early 2018.
The soundtrack for this teaser video is (ocean) bloom from Radiohead
and has been orchestrally reimagined by Radiohead and Hans Zimmer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2f9SItUEtJ8
---
...Sweet! Thanks LouiseAu!
Every single Donald Trump film and TV cameo ever.
https://youtu.be/yosAVMB47-Y
---
...TeeHee! Fabulous! I had no idea! Thanks LouiseAu!
Magician Juan Tamariz from Spain leaves Penn and Teller speechless
and becomes the fastest fooler in the show's history.
https://youtu.be/EQAtqeXCWEk
Nokulunga Buthelezi - the star of the musical 'Africa! Africa!' -
has an amazing talent for twisting into impossible positions.
https://youtu.be/Qz4bX9fJ1FQ
---
...Wowsers! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"The salad dressing company Hidden Valley is now offering
actual kegs of ranch dressing. When you buy one of these
kegs, the cashier is legally required to put their hand on
your shoulder and go, 'Everything OK, man?'" -James Corden
"A South Carolina elementary school's lunch program has
added a food truck that serves the kids buffalo wings,
tacos, and mac-and-cheese. It's all in keeping with the
school's motto: 'It's Never Too Early To Give Up.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"A new study found that ancient cave art from 40,000 years
ago was mostly done by women. So even back then men didn't
have a say in decorating." -Jimmy Fallon
"Researchers say that they've figured out how to get
around Apple's new face-scanning security feature. They
did it by using a mask that mimics the user's face. The
mask they used is made of plastic, silicone, and makeup.
Or as they call that here in Los Angeles, a face."
-James Corden
"In Boston, experts believe they have found Paul Revere's
outhouse and they say they are excited to examine his fecal
matter. These experts have been described as 'single.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"There's a lot of talk about how global warming will be a
disaster for future generations. When you think about it,
it's hard to care. What have these future generations ever
done for us?" -Jimmy Kimmel
"There's an event company that specializes in fake weddings.
The idea is that many young people don't want to get married
but they do want a wedding, so the company puts on a fake
ceremony and a fake reception. I can't imagine writing 'Will
attend' on an RSVP for a fake wedding. There are already
weddings for people who don't want to get married - they're
called weddings." -Jimmy Kimmel
"A Colorado man has been fined $1,000 for allegedly feeding
bears for the third time in eight years. Said the man, 'Oh
great, this is going to cost me another arm and a leg.'"
-Seth Meyers
"Over the weekend a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble
bookstore. Out of habit the parents briefly looked over the
newborn baby and then went home and bought a cheaper baby
on Amazon." -Conan O'Brien
One is never more on trial than in the moment of excessive
good fortune. -Lewis Wallace
Lack of money is no obstacle.
Lack of an idea is an obstacle.
-Ken Hakuta
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $20 will get your a message (of up to 40
words) out to all self-subscribed readers and $5 more will give you
the same message also put up for all web site readers.
Email me to secure dates.
Ad Request
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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