Smart Horse, Programmer Logic, Blondes And More... :) Shangy!
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================
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
================
>-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
Our first too hot to handle new page comes from our friend
PatDeE. If you haven't checked this one out since it first
was opened, then you are missing out. Check out what shocking
things they've added!
__
_ | |
Yye |_| |--|
.---. e AA | | | |
/.--./\ e A
// || \/\ e A
//|/|| |\/\ aa a |\o/ o/--
///|\|| | \/\ . ~o \.'\.o'
//|\|/|| | |\/\ . /.` \o'
//\|/|\|| | | \/\ ( ( . \o'
__ __ _//|/|\|/|| | | |\/`--' '
__/__/__//|\|/|\|| | | | `--'
|\|/|\|/|\|/|\|/|| | | | |
RG
+a:f
Las Vegas Stratosphere!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/vegas.html
---
...Not even on my bucket list! Thanks PatDeE!
Praying for your continued recovery in Christ Jesus name!
Our Second Hot tottie is from our friend Linda. This one
has some pretty unique critters with their way of staying
alive in the wild! Check it out to discover which innocent
looking ones you should totally steer clear of!
,
,\|// /,
_|="=\="=./_,
,//"\-/\"\= //_,
,\/=/,"=/ /"=`///.
jgs ,\//="\'-.\"//-c_ a\
,\\_\=_\/=\"/,)_-"\\\_=___)
`/-/=//,-'`--)))`--)))
Dangerous Critters!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dangerouscritters.html
---
...Eye opening one! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone:
Mud Baths At The Spa
.-""""""-.
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor .' '.
tells him, "I have some very bad news / O O \
for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted : ` :
with a fatal and incurable disease." | |
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING : .------. :
I can do, doc?" \ ' ' /
'. .'
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and jgs '-......-'
start taking daily mud baths." The doctor
tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not....
But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
October 19 is Evaluate Your Life Day
October 20 is Brandied Fruit Day
October 21 is Babbling Day and National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day
October 22 is National Nut Day
October 23 is National Mole Day and TV Talk Show Host Day
October 24 is Make a Difference Day and National Bologna Day
October 25 is Mother-In-Law Day and World Pasta Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
_(\_/)
,((((^`\
(((( (6 \
,((((( , \
,,,_ ,((((( /"._ ,`,
((((\\ ,... ,(((( / `-.-'
))) ;' `"'"'""(((( (
((( / ((( \
)) | |
(( | . ' |
)) \ _ ' `t ,.')
( | y;- -,-""'"-.\ \/
) / ./ ) / `\ \
|./ ( ( / /'
|| \\ //'|
jgs || \\ _//'||
|| )) |_/ ||
\_\ |_/ ||
`'" \_\
`'"
>Smart Horse
A man riding out in the woods fell from his horse and broke his leg.
He was a long way out, so the situation looked pretty grim. Then the
horse grabbed the man's belt in his teeth and dragged him to the
shade of a nearby tree. He made the man as comfortable as he could
and then galloped off to get help.
The man was discussing the incident a few weeks later. His friend was
very impressed and said, "That is one intelligent horse!"
"Naah, he's not so smart. He came back with a vet."
-<>-
>Light Bulbs
Light bulb jokes are an innocent way to poke fun -- or so I thought.
Working as a sound technician, I asked an electrician, who was also
the local union steward: "Hey, Mike. How many Teamsters does it take
to change a light bulb?"
I expected the classic answer: "Twelve. You got a problem with that?"
But Mike replied in all seriousness, "None. Teamsters shouldn't be
touching light bulbs."
____
.----------' '-.
/ . ' . \\
/ ' . /|
/ . \ /
/ ' . . . || |
/.___________ ' / //
|._ '------'| /|
'.............______.-' /
jgs |-. | /
`"""""""""""""-.....-'
>Programmer Logic
The programmer's wife tells him: "Please go to the store and pick up
a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
-<>-
>Driving Too Young
The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church
often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that
might come up. One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the
climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to
the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car
without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.
The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son, and
commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on
that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys."
The sermon continued undisturbed ...
after a good laugh by the congregation.
-<>-
.-~-.
.' '.
/ \
.-~-. : ;
.' '.| |
/ \ :
: ; .-~""~-,/
| /` `'.
: | \
\ | /
`. .' \ .'
jgs `~~~` '-.____.-'
>Costly Eggs
I went to a restaurant where three eggs cost $8.95.
The waitress said, "Would you like them scrambled?"
I said, "No. At $3 an egg I want to count them."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)
>Jokes
|
|/ |
,,,,, ,+ /|
/ \ () | ||
\ C '\ /|_() ||
) _| .'___/,,,// ||
.'=. (____E.' / / \ ||
| \)`-\ _F_.' \ c `\ ||
\ \ !'__/ ) _| ||
\ \,' / /`._( ||
|`. .' / \ \ ||
\ `-' | .-. | | \ E ||
>====[] | \ |__| | O OE ||
/ |_/ | |___)| `.__j____ \|E ||
\_ | || __`.________ `. |""|\|
\ |\ ||| \///_ _|__|_|
\ __ | \ ||`""\\""""//"' \`. \ |
|[__]| \ ||.---\\__//---. | | \____|
||__|/ / \|____________|\ |/ |
| | / || || /| | |
-----| |/------------||-||-/`| |----------|
/| | || ||/`-|___| |
/\| | || \\._ [____] h|
/`.|____| || \\ `-/ '`._ j|
`=.\____/ || \\__`-.____) w|
) '`--. _.-||-._ `""""""" |
`='====' ,-' ' ` `-. |
`-.________.-' |
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the
barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old grandson.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
--------
One afternoon, two doctors from India were having an animated
discussion.
"I say it's spelled 'W-H-O-O-M'," said the first Indian doctor.
"No, it is 'W-H-O-M-B'," said the other Indian doctor.
An American nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It
is spelled 'W-O-M-B'."
"Thank you nurse," said one of the doctors, "but we prefer to settle
this argument ourselves. Besides, we don't think you are in a position
to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water."
--------
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic
letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly
displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day,
Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands
were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D"
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That religious education is
certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you
spell 'zilla?'"
--------
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
-------
A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone
to getting headaches. No reason is given.
I wonder - could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the
head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?
--------
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are
awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through
from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for
a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived
from the Middle East.
To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and
the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners
learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an
uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the
wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks:
"Once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were
few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played
Cowboys and Muslims yet."
--------
Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their
vacations.
She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. "We
visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can
you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it,
she lives in Ohio.".
-------
Renee was passing an office building late one night and saw a sign that
said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping
down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate,
then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way
through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at her, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring the bell yourself?"
--------
Soon after marriage, the lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding
ring.
She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
--------
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is
taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips
through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl
on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's
absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've
eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the
chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
--------
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they
went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that
construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston
we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618.
"Heck boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took
a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.
"Whoa! What's that over there?"
"Darned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
--------
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage
at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are,
and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate
you up..."
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
-------
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby
if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there
was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought
for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season
Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid
for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a
cold."
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseA!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Linda :)
_\|/_
/--\
|[]|
_] \/ [_
/_ `==' _\
\\| |//
l\ __/j
`|-'##|
|#||#|
|#||#|
_|#||#|_
`==" "==`
as
>THE BLOND MAN HAS FINALLY ARRIVED
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find
the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair,
and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in
the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says"Why
don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If
they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains
the next time you & your wife making love. The whole street was
watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you
because I wasn't even at home yesterday"
---
...LOL! Great Classics! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->From Our Friend Karen :)
[Politics]
>Our Founding Fathers Knew...
1.) Avoid occasions of expense, and avoid likewise the accumulation
of Debt!
- GEORGE WASHINGTON
2.) We must not let our rulers load us with perpetual Debt!
-THOMAS JEFFERSON
3.) Allow a Government to decline paying its Debts, and you
overthrow all public Morality!
- ALEXANDER HAMILTON
4.) Our National Debt is a greater Curse than any other!
- JAMES MADISON
5.) When you run in Debt, you give to another Power over your
Liberty!
- BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
So what exactly is it "Congress and the Leaders" of our
Great Nation doesn't understand ?
---
...Good Question! Thanks Karen!
==========================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
>From BizarreNews:
Natural selection narrowly avoided improving the gene pool
recently when a Missouri man attempted to put out a garbage
fire with a truck full of ammunition.
I wish I were making this up.
The man was burning trash on his property in Clay County
when the fire began burning out of control.
The man drove his truck back and forth over the fire in an
attempt to suffocate it. However, the tires of the van
caught fire, which quickly spread to the rest of the van
which was loaded with ammunition.
Why was it loaded with ammunition? If you live in Missouri
you already know the answer to that question.
The man managed to run away from the burning van before it
exploded.
A police officer who was in the middle of a traffic stop in
the area saw the black smoke and went to investigate. The
officer eventually found the vehicle's owner watching the
fire from a distance.
The car owner will not face any charges as the fire occurred
on his own property and he only damaged his own vehicle.
-<>-
It's called the castle doctrine. It says that when a person
is in his or her legal abode they have certain legal
protections and immunities which permit them to use force,
even deadly force, to defend themselves against an intruder.
And you better believe they take the castle doctrine
seriously in Texas. Maybe a little too seriously, as in the
case of this Texas man who got a little spooked when his
wife came home early in the morning.
Police said the San Antonio man, whose name was not released,
told them he heard some noises coming from the front of the
house about 4 a.m. and saw a flash of light.
He grabbed a shotgun and went to investigate.
The man said he saw a light and someone standing at a
distance, so before investigating any further, or trying to
determine whether the 'flash of light' represented a threat
or maybe a headlight or something, he fired a blast from the
shotgun.
That's when he realized he had shot his wife.
Police tried to resuscitate her when they arrived, but she
was pronounced dead at the scene from a gunshot wound to her
chest.
Authorities aren't sure whether her husband will be charged
in the fatal shooting, which remains under investigation.
*-- Florida man arrested for drunk driving blames dog --*
SARASOTA, Fla. - A Florida DWI suspect allegedly offered
authorities an unusual explanation for his vehicle's
erratic movements: "My dog was driving." The Manatee
County Sheriff's Office said a deputy attempted a traffic
stop shortly before 8 p.m. Oct. 7 on a white four-door
vehicle seek speeding through a neighborhood. The sheriff's
office said the vehicle sped up while attempting a turn
and ended up traveling through a ditch on the side of the
road. The driver then over-corrected, swerved and ended up
going through a ditch on the opposite side of the road
before crashing into a house, investigators said. The
suspect, later identified as Reliford Cooper, fled on foot
and a K9 unit soon found his t-shirt in front of a church.
A pastor from the church told a deputy that someone was
hiding in the facility's bathroom. Churchgoers forced
Cooper out, and he was placed under arrest. "I wasn't
driving that car." Cooper allegedly told deputies while
he was being handcuffed. "Who was chasing me? You're slow
as [expletive]!" A deputy told Cooper he smelled of
alcohol and marijuana, leading him to allegedly offer an
explanation for the events. "My dog was driving that car.
I ran because I wanted to. You ain't gonna find no drugs
or guns on me," Cooper allegedly said, before vomiting
and complaining of a back injury. Cooper was arrested on
charges including DWI with property damage, aggravated
fleeing, leaving the scene of a crash with property damage
and resisting/obstructing an officer without violence. He
was taken to Manatee Memorial hospital for examination and
later transported to jail.
*-- Florida woman accidentally super glued her eye shut --*
LANTANA, Fla. - A Florida woman said she mistook super
glue for eye drops and ended up with her eye glued shut
for several days. Katherine Gaydos said her ordeal began
last week when a piece of debris flew into her eye while
a friend was using a leaf blower. "Something blew into my
eye and I screamed for someone else to get eye drops out
of my purse and they brought super glue," she told WPBF-TV.
"As soon as I felt it in my eye I felt it burn and I closed
my eye and screamed 'Call 911.'" Gaydos said her doctor
gave her antibiotic salve and ointment, but refused to
attempt to open her eye or give further treatment unless
she made a payment. "He was talking about doing surgery to
try and save my eye, but now I don't know what to do -- I
don't have a job, no insurance or any money," Gaydos said.
Gaydos said another doctor contacted her after the initial
WPBF-TV report aired Wednesday and was able to pry her eye
open. "It was the same office, but a different doctor,"
Gaydos said. "He put Lidocaine above and below my eye and
just pulled on it until it finally opened." Gaydos said
the second doctor told her to return Friday to remove the
rest of the glue from her cornea. She said the doctor did
not ask her for payment. "He said I should get my sight
back, and not have permanent damage," Gaydos said. Dr.
Pankaj Gupta, assistant professor of ophthalmology at
Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio, said
the situation would have resolved itself over time if
Gaydos had not received treatment. "The first thing I
think everyone needs to know is don't panic," Gupta told
ABC News. "There is not a single thing that is permanent
that will not slough off on its own," he said. "In time
it will go away."
*-- Man wiped summons 'between his butt cheeks' --*
READINGTON, N.J. - A New Jersey man is facing charges for
allegedly wiping "between his butt cheeks" with a police
summons before throwing it at an officer. The indictment
charging Joseph Greenwood, 45, with a fourth-degree charge
of throwing bodily fluids alleges he was issued the summons
by Lt. John Insabella of the Readington Police Department
on a municipal court charge of threatening to assault
another person. The indictment accuses Greenwood of acting
"by taking the summons complaint issued to him upon his
release from police custody, placing it between his butt
cheeks, wiping the paper in an upward and downward motion
and throwing it in the direction of the officer." Greenwood
"did purposely subject [Insabella] of the Readington
Township Police Department to contact with a bodily fluid
while the officer was in uniform and acting in the
performance of his duties." The indictment states the
incident took place June 2. Greenwood is also facing
pending charges of disorderly conduct and making threats
to kill another person in connection with a Sept. 18
incident.
*-- Survey: Worker called in sick for cat stuck in dashboard --*
CHICAGO - Job-seeking website CareerBuilder's annual
survey found workers called in sick this year for getting
stuck under a bed and having a cat trapped in a dashboard.
The website said its annual Harris Poll survey of 3,321
adult employees and 2,326 hiring and human resource
managers, conducted online Aug. 12-Sept. 2, suggested
38 percent of workers called in sick during the past year
when they actually felt fine, up from 28 percent in last
year's survey.
Of the workers who called in sick while feeling well, 27
percent said they had a doctor's appointment, 27 percent
said they just didn't feel like going to work, 26 percent
said they needed time to relax, 21 percent said they
needed to catch up on sleep and 12 percent said they
wanted to stay home for weather-related issues.
CareerBuilder said employers were asked to share some of
the most memorable excuses they were given for employees
missing work. The responses included:
1. Employee claimed his grandmother poisoned him with ham.
2. Employee was stuck under the bed.
3. Employee broke his arm reaching to grab a falling
sandwich.
4. Employee said the universe was telling him to take a
day off.
5. Employee's wife found out he was cheating. He had to
spend the day retrieving his belongings from the dumpster.
6. Employee poked herself in the eye while combing her
hair.
7. Employee said his wife put all his underwear in the
washer.
8. Employee said the meal he cooked for a department
potluck didn't turn out well.
9. Employee was going to the beach because the doctor
said she needed more vitamin D.
10. Employee said her cat was stuck inside the dashboard
of her car.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Bunni :)
__.
/-7 k
.-' o.-'/
/ .; \
( [ )
\ [.---.
;/ \ )
\ (/
) | AsH
/ \ (
[_' \_~
>Funnies:
Quick word play
-- A good thing to exercise when you're putting on weight is restraint.
-- Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker's wurst nightmare.
-- He arrived late at the party to find he was beaten to the punch.
.-._.--._
/ /
-. |
\ |__
,-'______.-'
'( c-(_)(_)__
\ .._ . )
\ / `-'
/\-|\_
/-. \ /
( , o)\
| | o)\
c - _/\\
/ \ \=====|
| //======|
| / =====_/
|/\===/=/
)==)=)
(==|=|
| |=|______
(_.-. ) )
'--''-' [nabis]
Funny puns
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the
Mercedes bends.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them
was a-salted.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this
one is on me."
.--.
________
|Oo|
|()|
| -}
.----\""/----.
| \/ |
| | . | |
| | . | |____/__
\ \ . (_____/_=
\ \ \
\/\=[]===)
(""\ |
| |_/ |
| | |
Tim Campbell
Going Out?
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of
an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking
ahead of me.
“Going out?” I called to them hopefully.
“No,” said the man. “Just friends.”
Elevator Keys
A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air
and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the
keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between
the open doors and the floor.
I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, “Oh no! Not
again!”
Beethoven
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A
couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery
and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven
was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come
and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some
faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Perspective
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
---
...LOL! Absolutely! Life is all about perspective! Thanks Bunni!
I was just having this talk with my daughter. I was reminding her of
all the trials and persecutions and evil things that Paul the Apostle
went through yet he said he learned that no matter what situation he
was in, to be content. Phil.4:11.
I told her it was because of his perspective. He believed God would
make all things work out best for him so he was 'content' to wait
until God got him out of the mess he was in or healed him or saved
him. He believed in God through Jesus Christ to totally take care
of him at all times.
With that perspective on life, you can brave any storm the devil may
throw at you!
==================================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
Procrastinator's Calender
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All
rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job
or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the
3rd.
2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three
Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those
persons who are paid on Fridays.
3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow
for month-end panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery
of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-
productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping
the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
-<>-
I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-
assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter
that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the
bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his
friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."
-<>-
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were
passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was
not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again
to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his
dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
-<>-
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing
of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The
personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
-<>-
I asked my wife if she had seen this morning's paper. She
said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it--just the classified
section, though."
I said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!"
She replies, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg shells,
coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
-<>-
My wife and I received a lovely trophy as a wedding gift from
a friend. But upon closer inspection, we noticed that the
plaque seemed to reveal some dark, previously hidden secret.
There were only two lines on the engraving, and no punctuation.
Read together, it said, "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You
From Mary Blevin."
[From Reader's Digest.]
-<>-
>First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries
in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo-
scope aloud.
"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal,
levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?"
"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we
Capricorns are."
-<>-
Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college
graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the
diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please
stand up?"
My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum
Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"
=========================================================
>-->From TheMouth:
__ __ __
\ \ / / ,'__`.
\ ` / / / \ \ ___
| | \ \__/ / /:;'`
|_| `.__,' :::\
_________ ;:::\
_.-'',' : `.``-._ _..::::::::.._
,-'___ ; : : ___`-. `'::::::::::''
,',',---`. : ,'---.`.`. _):::::(_
/ /,'::::::\ ,^. /::::::`.\ \ |::::::::::
/ ,`--...___/ /:::\ \___...--'. \ |:::::::::|
/ : : /_____\ : : \ :::::::::::
: : : : : : : ;:::::::::::
| : : ___ : ___ : ; | ::::::::::::|
| _:..-'_'.-.\__:__/,-.`_`-..:_ | :::::::::::::
: :.--'''::::::`---'::::::```--,; ; \:::::::::;'
\ \\:::::::::::::::::::::::::// / :::::::::|
\ \\:::___:::::::::::___:::// / |:::::::::
\ `::|--:\:::::::::/;--|:;' / ;:::::::::\
`. `' \\_______// '' ,' ::::::::::::\
`-._`. ``-----'' ,'_.-' |:::::::::::::
`-.._`.___,'_..-' ;::::::::::::|
____ _ _ __ __ ____ _ _ _ __ _ ::::::::::::::|
| _ \ | | | || \ / || _ \ | |/ /| || \ | | |:::::::::::::|
| |_) )| | | || . ` , || |_) )| ' / | || . \| | |:::::::::::::|
| __/ | |_| || |\_/| || __/ | . \ | || |\ ' | |::::::::::::::
|_| `.___,'|_| |_||_| |_|\_\|_||_| \__| ;::::::::::::::\
_ _ _____ _ ____ ::::::::|\:::::::\
| | | || ___| / \ | _ \ |:::::::||\::::::::
| |_| || |_ / _ \ | | \ \ |:::::::|| :::::::|
| _ || _|_ / ___ \ | |_/ / ::::::::|| |::::::;
|_| |_||_____|/_/ \_\|____/ SSt `:::::;'' ::::::/
\::;'
After asking for Halloween costume ideas, I received some
great ones for readers. I thought I would share a few:
God's Gift to Women: Wrap yourself like a present using
romantic wrapping paper. Attach a large tag that says
"From: GOD To: WOMEN".
Quarter Pounder: Carry a quarter and a hammer. If someone
asks what you are, put the quarter down and pound it with
the hammer.
Nudist on Strike: Dress in normal clothes and carry a sign
that says "Nudist on Strike."
Someone You Can Count On: Wear all black clothes. Cut out
big, bright numbers and attach them to your clothes.
A bag of jellybeans – you get a clear plastic bag, put holes
in the bottom for your legs, fill it up with colored
balloons, and tie the top around your neck with a colored
ribbon.
If you can get someone else you can go as a pair of dice –
all you need is a box big enough for you to wear, paint it
black, cut holes in the top and sides and then paint white,
red, green or any other contrasting color with black for
the "numbers" – remember your head is one, your legs are
two and the sides for your arms are three and five.
Make a simple poncho of tattered gauzy cloth. Smear it with
dirt. Hang fake cobwebs off it. Rat out your hair. Makeup
your face to look 'dead' and ghoulish with gray eyeshadow
and dark gray eyeshadow under your eyes to make your eyes
look sunken in. Make a cardboard tombstone to carry. On
the tombstone, write, 'I told you I was sick'. You can
also attach dead or wilted flowers to the bottom of the
tombstone.
Take a small plastic trashcan. Cut out the bottom. Attach
suspenders to the top. Open the bottom of a large plastic
garbage bag with pull-ties. Toward the top, cut armholes.
You'll be wearing the pull-ties around your neck so your
head is sticking out of the garbage bag. Decorate the
trashcan with bags from McDonalds, small cat-toy type rats
and mice, and other things to be 'garbage.' Make the lid
of the trashcan into a hat by cutting slits and threading
ribbon through (to tie under your chin). More trash can
be glued to the lid. Being of the Caucasion persuasion,
when I used this costume, I said I was 'White Trash.'
Thanks to J.B., Patricia, and Ellie for the ideas above!
Sincerely,
Melissa
-<>-
"Listen, Sissy, you say "Trick or Treat"
when the people come to the door, and then
they give you candy. You save those eggs
to throw at their house, ONLY if no one
answers -- not WHEN, for cripes' sake!"
\
\ ////
.--. oo )
\::::/ oo \ \-/
oo%%% * / | / \\
__________ \-%%% /__| |____|_//_________
/__\\/ | | //\\
//\\\) |____| \\ \\
JRO (_)(_) (_)(_) (_)(_)
spooksspooksspooksspooksspooksspooksspooksspooks
spooksspooksspooksspooksspooksspooksspooksspooks
>Vocabulary Lesson for New Parents
BOTTLE FEEDING
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE
What you'd better have around de yard if you're
going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING
How teething babies wash their chins and tops.
DUMBWAITER
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.
FULL NAME
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS
The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT
How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
LOOK OUT!
What it's too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it.
OW
The first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE
A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF
A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so
that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
THUNDERSTORM
A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
WHODUNIT
None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS
An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
-<>-
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
.' ___...-'.
/__......-----``` \
/`---...._________......---'\
: :
| )\ )\ |
| ( `-. `. -. |
| `-. .'` ~ `. |
\ / ` .-.` \ /
\ | `( @ ) ~| /
\ \~ .``-' `/ /
`._ `-.___.-` _.'
`-._ _.-'
`-.-=-.-'
((o))
LGB // \\
.---/ \_/ \---.
( '._____.' )
`-------------'
>Little Golden Books That Never Made It
You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
Your Nightmares Are Real
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
-<>-
_______
,,--'' ''--,,
,-' '-,
/ \
| |
| |
| |\ /| |
|\ | | \ / | | /|
| \ | | '-, ,-' | | / |
| '-| | '-, ,-' | |-' |
| | \ / | |
| | ,-;;/ \;;-, | |
| ,' \__|;;;/ , , \;;;|__/ ', |
\/ | | \/
/ ,-| |-, \
; \ / ;
\ '-, ,-' /
'-,, ' ,,-'
'-, \'-, ,-'
', \ ''--,, ,'
\ ''--,, / /
|\ /|
|( )|
|'-, ,-'| low
''-,-''
>Poe Revisited, Computer Style
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a thumb drive from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
"Oh no--my data base," I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore!"
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Detroit Steel!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/detroitsteel.html
Ford's First RV!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/firstrv.html
Classic Woodies!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woodcars.html
Chevy Selling It!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chevysi.html
50s Concept Car!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/conceptcars.html
Vokner Mobil RV!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rv.html
Stainless VS Gold!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stainlesscar.html
Rare Packard RV!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/packardrv.html
Detroit Autorama!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/detroitauto.html
Amazing Bike Car!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bikecar.html
Weird Old Vehicles!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/oldvehicles.html
Fall And Halloween Index
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/halloweenindex.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseA :)
Have you seen those new Coke bottles that have different names on them?
This video shows you what happens when you drink a Coke that doesn't
have your name on it. The results are hilarious! Watch all the way to
the end because there's a surprise ending.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5yyzdgnxoc&feature=player_embedded
These two shouldn't get along. One is born to a predator family, and
one to a herbivore, and yet they have become best of friends. This goes
to show you - animals can have an even better code of conduct than
humans do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=yCyOFzWNN_I
I can't even imagine what this mom is going through. I know it's hard
enough getting one kid to go to sleep - two must be almost impossible.
But, she doesn't give up. See a truly funny video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6WfKsxvIB4&feature=player_embedded
Magician Dani Lary and his beautiful assistant Nadina do some
amazing teleportation for the French TV show 'The World's
Greatest Cabaret.'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QSQwmB6KGOM
Mukhtar demonstrates his incredible muscle control and flexibilty at
the French television show 'The Worlds's Greatest Cabaret'.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHYsD9TDmNQ&feature=player_embedded
A tribute to the joy of dance. Music: "All These Things That I've
Done". Clips: 1) Svetlana Zakharova - Swan Lake 2) Riverdance - Reel
of the Sun 3) Michael Flatley - Lord of the Dance 4) Michael Jackson -
Beat It 5) Gene Kelly, Cyd Charisse - Singing in the Rain 6) Elvis -
Jailhouse Rock 7) Charlie Chaplin - Modern Times 8) John
Travolta/Olivia Newton John - Grease 9) Jimmy Cagney - Yankee Doodle
Dandy 10) Debbie Reynolds - Singing in the Rain 11) A Chorus Line 12)
Patrick Swayze - Dirty Dancing 13) Natalie Wood/Richard Beymar - West
Side Story 14) Al Nims & Leon James doing the Charleston 15) Maxim &
Mel B - Dancing with the Stars 16) Elvis and Ann Margret - Viva Las
Vegas 17) Michael Jackson from TV Special 18) Fred Astaire & Ginger
Rogers - Swing Time 19) Gene Kelly - Singing in the Rain 20) All That
Jazz 21) Three Stooges get a dance lesson 22) Flashdance 23) Shirley
Temple & Bill "Bojangles" Robinson - Just Around the Corner 24) Anne
Reinking - All That Jazz 25) Nicholas Brothers - Stormy Weather 26)
Wizard of Oz.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ab9i0s4WEY0
---
...Lots of Fun! Thanks LouiseA!
A classic for the season...Michael Jackson - Thriller
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOnqjkJTMaA
Let the video go and watch a bunch more - one after another - MJ!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Melinda :)
Check Your Driver's License
I already removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can
see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I
just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks
Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's
unbelievable!! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is
on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box
marked "Please Remove." This will remove it from public viewing, but
not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can
protect themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it.
http://license.shorturl.com/
Sheepdogs like sodawater
http://tinyurl.com/nk72w2j
"AMAZING GRACE IN CHEROKEE -Beautiful!
http://tinyurl.com/o56yj99
"Cup Song Collège Saint-Bernard - Drummondville"
http://tinyurl.com/pxclk5m
---
...Beautiful! Thanks Melinda!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Melody :)
A Hospital Bent Their Rules To Grant A Dying Man’s Last Wish To See
http://tinyurl.com/otjyyxv
Pulled Pork Mac & Cheese
http://tinyurl.com/p8qezth
Daredevil photographers brave boiling waters to capture the
drama of searing-hot lava crashing into the seas
http://tinyurl.com/ovaamkk
HooplaHa
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=931039580242010&fref=nf
---
...So cute!!! Thanks Melody!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"The population of the United States reached 300 million
yesterday. In a related story the population of Mexico is
now at 38 people." --Jay Leno
"The Iranian government just announced that they are going
to slow down Internet access speed because they don't want
Iranians to have good Internet service. Apparently, the
government is so serious about this they are making all
Iranians subscribe to AOL." --Conan O'Brien
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners." —-Jeff Stilson
"Here's an odd story. Yesterday a man that was so fat tried
crossing the Mexican border and became trapped in a tunnel.
This really isn't fair. If he's that fat he belongs in the
United States." --Conan O'Brien
"A celebrity birthday today. Nicole Ritchie! She turned 25
pounds today. So happy birthday to her." --Jay Leno
"My wife recently put me on a diet. It is an interesting
diet of her own devising that essentially allows me to eat
anything I want so long as it contains no fat, cholesterol,
sodium, or calories and isn't tasty. In order to keep me
from starving altogether, she went to the grocery store
and bought everything that had "bran" in its title. I am
not sure, but I believe I had bran cutlets for dinner last
night. I am very depressed."
--Bill Bryson, I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF
"Turbulence: This is what pilots announce that you have
encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair.
You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous,
shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an
airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and
the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little
turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit
trying desperately to clean water buffalo organs off the
windshield." --Dave Barry
"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets, doctors
say be careful, because you need carbohydrates because
carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that cheers you
up and fights depression. So the next time you see a guy on
a ledge, about to jump... throw him a doughnut." --Jay Leno
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a
one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch
of your assailant." --Dave Letterman
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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