Smiles For An Early Father's Day... :) Shangy!
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================
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
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================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This too hot to handle new page is from our friend LouiseAu.
It's full of some of the most interesting info on our planet's
animals. Be sure to check out the astonishing videos here too:
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Most Intelligent Animals
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/intelligent.html
---
...Some surprising ones here! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
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s i t b a c k r i d e 'n' r e l a x
r e c u m b e n t b i c y c l e s
____________________________________________
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying
out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle
could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned
an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to
test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his
friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want
you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car
driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the
bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black
Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving
the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag
racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser,
radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed
105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to
believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on
Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his
arms trying to pass them!"
-<>-
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they
went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and
that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston
we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and
completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only
took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
June 11 is National Corn on the Cob Day
June 12 is National Jerky Day, National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
and Red Rose Day
June 13 is National Weed Your Garden Day and Sewing Machine Day
June 14 is Flag Day and Monkey Around Day
June 15 is National Nature Photography Day, Smile Power Day and
Global Wind Day
June 16 is Fresh Veggies Day, National Hollerin' Contest Day,
World Juggler's Day and TBD Nursing Assistants Day
June 17 is Eat Your Vegetables Day and Father's Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
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>Home-Cooked Meal
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had
just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the
card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week
later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things
had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
-<>-
>Medical Student
Due to his hectic schedule, I had seen little of the medical student
who had moved next door to me two years earlier.
I learned that he had graduated, and one day when I spotted him in
his driveway, I went over and congratulated him.
"Well," I said, "Now if I break my arm, you'll be able to fix it."
He replied, "I've been able to fix your arm for some time. The
important thing is that now I can bill for it."
-<>-
>There Are No Stupid Questions
When we were in recruit training, our DI (Drill Instructor) gave new
meaning to the "There are no stupid questions" statement.
He barked, "There are no stupid questions, however some questions
come with pushups."
-<>-
>Retirement Vacation
For their retirement vacation, my mother and father decided to drive
through Alaska. Dad, who loves to fish but never had the time, was
especially looking forward to breaking in all the gear my brother and
I had given him, including the graphite pole that came in its own
leather case.
After driving for a few days, they found a perfect spot where Mom
could read in the shade and Dad could fish.
After he had struggled down the bank with all his gear, Mom was
surprised to see him lugging it back up a few minutes later. He had
just discovered that what he had packed was his leather-encased pool
cue.
=========================================================
>-->Happy Father's Day Smiles:
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jgs '._____.'
Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?
Q: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice?
A: a POPsicle!
|
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_____ _ __ __ ____ _ | __/o\\ _
=-=-_-__=_-= _=_=-=_,-'|"'""-|-,_
=- _=-=- -_=-=_,-" |
jgs =- =- -=.--"
Q: How do fathers exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q: How do you know your dad is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
.----------.
/ .-. .-. \
/ | | | | \
\ `-' `-' _/
/\ .--. / |
\ | / / / /
/ | `--' /\ \
/`-------' \ \ Jym Dyer
Q: How do you scare a divorced dad?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!
Q: Why don't some fathers have a mid-life crisis?
A: They're stuck in adolescence.
\|/
AXA
\XXX/
`^'
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his dad was in a jam!
Q: What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?
A: catch up!
____________
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| | ~~~~~~ | | | | ~~~~~~ | | | | ~~~~~~ | |
`-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-'
Q: Why are Fathers like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!
Q: Why did the cookie cry?
A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
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Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
A: You spend too much time on the web.
Q: What is the definition of Mass Confusion?
A: Fathers Day in the ghetto.
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Q: What do you call the father you walk all over?
A: Stepdad.
Father: Let me see your report card.
Son: I don't have it.
Father: Why not?
Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
/ `. .' \
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Man: How old is your father?
Child: As old as me.
Man: How it is possible?
Child: He became a father only when I was born.
Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Student: When my father sees my report card!
See More Here
http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/fathersdayjokes.html
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
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>SMILES
One day, Sadie and Rose are talking about men. "I have a question
for you," says Rose.
"So ask it already," says Sadie.
"OK," says Rose. "If I meet a stranger at a party and I think
that he's attractive, do you think it's OK to ask him straight
away whether he's married?"
"No, certainly not," replies Sadie, "you should wait until morning."
----------
One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's
sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He
pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"
----------
One evening the husband comes home to his apartment, very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the building manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The wife replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Goldsmith on the third
floor."
----------
/ (%)
\O_
\| O_\
/\/ _/\
ejm \ /\
| \
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners
at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery
department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the
surgeons, I passed several patients and their families
in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes
your anesthesiologist."
----------
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
The reply was, "Washington DC"
On being asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
----------
A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into
the ground. The sign reads:
"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"
A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you
religious nuts!"
There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.
The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should
just say 'Bridge Out'"?
----------
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without
batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I
would make it."
----------
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some
software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting
it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me
to help with the last phase of the training.
When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how
to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad
you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get
nervous around really smart people."
----------
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I
love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in
my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn
the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office
and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck
behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner
of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work
in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"
----------
Nurse: Doctor, doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the
front step! What should I do?
Doctor: Quick! Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
---
...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Cloie :)
____ /\ ____ _ _ -- - -__ -_
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_ _ _- \_\ -- - - -- \"> -<_"__" / _/| \ \ | /! \ \ -_( _"-<_">-- -
-- \_`> _-- _ ___",">-____ _"> ""_" "--"--"-" "-"' "-" '" _
\__"> C"" -_O "O-' '"> __ - -
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According to ancient Hawaiian tradition, the quickest way to APPEASE
PELE and stop volcanic eruptions is to make a human sacrifice into her
fires, and that needs to be a celebrated leader who was born in Hawaii
and held a position of power for 8 years.
Obama quickly announced he was actually born in Kenya, and has the
Birth Certificate to prove it.
---
...LMAO! Thanks Cloie!
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
“President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will meet for their
historic June 12 summit at the Capella Hotel on Sentosa Island in
Singapore,” Melissa Quinn reports for the Washington Examiner. “The
president and Kim are scheduled to meet at 9 a.m. local time, and in
anticipation of the summit, Trump has started receiving daily briefings
on Pyongyang’s nuclear and ballistic missile program.”
https://tinyurl.com/ycjfgmfg
In The Hill, financial expert Liz Peek writes that China’s rising
emissions shows how President Trump made the right decision in
withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement. “Beijing embraces a
‘China First’ view of the world. Thank heavens the U.S. finally has
a president who puts his country’s interests first as well,” Peek says.
https://tinyurl.com/ybyjeatv
Alice Johnson to Trump: 'I Am So Grateful for Everything You’ve Done
for Me and My Family' - The Washington Free Beacon
https://tinyurl.com/y88pqsnt
Total Jobless Claims Running at Lowest Level in 44 Years
- Washington Examiner
https://tinyurl.com/y9l5kmv7
Trump Signs VA Law to Provide Veterans More Private Health Care
Choices - USA Today
https://tinyurl.com/yb58k9zc
Wayne Allyn Root: “The Trump Miracle” - Townhall
“It’s a new day under President Trump. We are free to make money again.
We are free to practice capitalism without guilt. The sun is out. The
skies are blue. There’s a job in every pot. The Trump Miracle lives,”
Wayne Allyn Root writes.
https://tinyurl.com/y7tmjuhn
WhiteHouseNews:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Latest From RightAlerts:
http://rightalerts.com
Latest At FoxNews:
http://www.foxnews.com/
Latest From MRC News:
https://tinyurl.com/ya6uruck
Latest From TrueDailyNews:
http://truedaily.news/category/news/
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Move America Forward
http://www.moveamericaforward.org/
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
A man who wanted to hurt his employer put rat poison in food.
55-year-old Ricky Lee Adami of Fayetteville, North Carolina,
was charged with distributing food containing noxious/
deleterious material.
The store manager, Gurol Bicer, said that he checked the
cheese like he always does and found small black pellets in
3 containers. He checked surveillance videos inside the
kitchen and saw his employee remove something from his
pocket and sprinkle the contents into the cheese shredder
machine.
Bicer called the police who arrested Adami and the substance
was since identified as rat poison.
The manager threw away the cheese and everything else that
Adami touched in the kitchen. He also informed the health
department of the incident and they checked the restaurant
and the kitchen. The health department allowed the business
to remain open.
The manager said that the checked the security surveillance
videos going back one month and he did not find any
additional wrongdoing by the suspect.
According to Bicer, the suspect and the restaurant owner
got into trouble with the work hours prior to the incident.
He believes that may have set Adami off and led him to
carry out the criminal act.
-<>-
Two stories popped up recently which make a perfect case for
gun control if I ever heard it.
The first incident occurred in Colorado. A man in a crowded
bar was dancing, and as the crowd cheered him on, the unnamed
man did a backflip. Unfortunately, he was carrying a
concealed weapon and the firearm fell out of the holster and
onto the floor.
When he reached to retrieve the firearm, it discharged. A
police spokesman said that a bystander in the crowd was hit
by the bullet and was taken to a hospital.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee a shootout occurred involving two
armed men who were caught in the middle of a home invasion.
When they were discovered inside the house, they raised
their weapons and fired. In the exchange both of the burglars
were shot and killed.
Now here's the interesting part. The man who dropped his
weapon while dancing in a bar and shot an innocent bystander
is undercover FBI agent. The man who shot two armed burglars
was the homeowner.
The homeowner from Tennessee (who did not want to be
identified) said that he entered his home with a friend, and
to their surprise, found the burglars inside. When the friend
ran out of the home the suspects fired several shots in his
direction. The homeowner, who was scared for his life,
grabbed his own rifle and fired shots towards the suspects.
While speaking with reporters, the homeowner apologized to
the families of the suspects and said: "A life is the last
thing we want to take. I am sorry, but it was them or it was
me."
Police are investigating the shooting, but for now, said he
will likely not face any charges as this appears to be a
"justified homicide."
No charges have been filed against the FBI agent either, but
an investigation is underway.
So who would benefit more from a little gun control?
*----------------- Bad Monkey! -----------------*
A Florida Home Depot worker was repeatedly bitten and
scratched by a spider monkey that escaped from its owner's
car in the parking lot. The Okeechobee County Sheriff's
Office said deputies responded to the Home Depot store
Okeechobee on a report of a loose monkey. The sheriff's
office said Tina Ballard, the primate's owner, said she
left her pet in her truck while she went into the store.
The spider monkey, which was wearing a leash, managed to
escape from Ballard's vehicle and was spotted in the parking
lot by Home Depot workers, including Marilyn Howard. "I
reached down and she reached up and grabbed my hand, so
gentle, so cute," Howard said she grabbed the monkey's leash
and the animal climbed on her back, biting her twice. She
said the monkey got off her and she again grabbed its leash,
but it became spooked by the store's front door opening. The
monkey climbed on Howard again, biting her arm and hand and
scratching her face. Howard declined to be treated by
paramedics at the scene, but said she would independently
go to a doctor to be evaluated.
*---------------- Raise the Roof ----------------*
A Florida family woke up confused to the sounds of workers
tearing the roof off their home -- and they weren't supposed
to be there. Pearl Northrup said her family woke up to the
loud banging of the roof being removed from the house.
"Somebody is banging on my roof," Northrup said. "I thought
I was getting a new roof." Northrup called her landlord,
Sarah Fritchey, to ask why she wasn't warned about the
project, and Fritchey revealed that no such work had been
ordered. L.B. Skaggs, owner of roofing company NASTAR, said
workers put the wrong address into their GPS. A Michigan
man faced a more severe version of a similar situation when
a demolition crew mistakenly tore his house down instead of
a neighboring home that was slated to be demolished. Police
told Mike Anderson, the owner of the incorrectly demolished
house, that someone had taken the numbers from the house
slated for demolition and nailed them to his home.
*----------- That's A Lot of Oysters -----------*
A competitive eater slurped down 480 oysters in 8 minutes to
win a New Orleans competition and set a new record for the
event. Darron Breedon of Orange, Va., bested six other
competitors at the World Oyster Eating Championship at the
Oyster Festival in New Orleans. Breedon downed 40 dozen
oysters -- 480 total -- in eight minutes, leaving the
competition in his dust. Defending champion Michelle Lesco
of Tucson, Ariz., came in second after consuming 27 dozen
in the time allotted. Organizers said Breedon's win was a
new record for the event, sponsored by Acme Oyster House.
*---------- I've Had Worse Prom Dates ----------*
A Pennsylvania teen who took a cardboard cutout of Danny
DeVito to her prom saw the favor returned this week when
the actor sported a cardboard cutout of her. Allison Cross
made headlines last month when she took a life-sized DeVito
cutout as her date to the Carlisle High School prom in
Pennsylvania. Rob Mcelhenney, one of DeVito's costars on
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, posted a photo to
Instagram showing DeVito with a cardboard cutout of Cross
on the set of the TV series. "Hey Allison -- I heard you
took cardboard Danny to prom. What a coincidence. He took
cardboard Allison to Paddy's," Mcelhenney wrote. Cross
responded to the photo on Twitter, writing: "Thank you SO,
SO MUCH for fulfilling my dream of visiting Paddy's Pub
from @alwayssunny!" she tweeted.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
.
. /:\ .
'"-"""-"'
( . . ) .o0 a PEZ head !
\ (_) /
\_v_/
/\-----/\
\|-----|/CJ
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| |_) |
| | |
| |
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| _ |
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| |_ |
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| / |
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Pru|_____|
'-------'
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered
his driver to stop.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?
"We have no food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. "Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now...
you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming
lawyer story... did you???
---
...TeeHee! Thanks Geniann!
========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
__.
/-7 k
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;/ \ )
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) | AsH
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>It's Getting Big, Doc
Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Patient: Really? What color?
-<>-
>To Tell the Truth
A lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in
his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't
tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
-<>-
>Like A Baby
Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on a bench
under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."
Greg Said, "Really! Like a baby!"
To which Sam replied, "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just
wet myself."
-<>-
>Q and A Quickies
Q: What's detail?
A: De end of de dog.
Q: What's the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
A: The man wears a suit and the dog just pants.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Bumble Bee with a doorbell?
A: A Real Hum-dinger.
Q: What does the Gingerbread Man have on his bed?
A: Cookie sheets.
.---.
.--. ___/ \
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fsc mmm! `mmM Mmm'
Q: What time is it when a elephant sits on a fence?
A: Time to get a new fence!
Q: What do you find in a clean nose?
A: Fingerprints!
========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."
-<>-
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"
His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. "What's a
Tupperware party, Dad?"
The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured
a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son,"
he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around
and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What
is it really?"
-<>-
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a strip-
tease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently
slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic
striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips,
revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to
reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish,
he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball
cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the
world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says
an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been
havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the
therapist suggested I do something s%xy to a tractor."
-<>-
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created every-
thing, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out
of one of Adam's ribs.
Later that day his mother noticed him lying down, curled up
on the floor as though he were ill. She said, "Johnny what
is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in
my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife!"
-<>-
Two old men went hunting one day. A hang glider came soaring
overhead and the first old man raised his gun and fired.
After a brief pause the second old man asked "Did you get it,
whatever it was?"
The first old man replied "No, I think I missed it. But I
sure as heck made it turn loose that poor fella it was
carrying away!"
-<>-
When my 14-year-old son, Patrick, stepped up to the plate
during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer
declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12,
Pathogen!"
After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back
on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry folks, that's PAT Hogan!"
=========================================================
>-->From TheMouth:
_....._ .--.
_.-' `-._ o/o-;;;
( `-._ _.-' ) (_, z)
`:-._'---'_.-:' ,,,, _|-' /
: `'''`_,-/`-._ /.. ) /\`--/"\
: [_./_ /_ _(_& _P / \_/, |
: :`-/(_`_____ _\-'_/___/ /|
: _.-: 8 \=__))____/ |
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: | : : //`7/ / /
: | :.-: (( (( L_______/
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(`'-._____,-'`) | | |
| | | | |
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2may01
Here's a joke I told me dad on Father's Day...
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's
license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get
good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard
is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and
then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the
house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great
marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat
as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about
letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut
your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he
walked everywhere he went."
My dad thought that joke was really funny. It also remind-
ed him to bug me about getting a haircut.
-<>-
Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I think I am a dog."
Doctor: "Lie down on the couch."
Patient: "I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture."
-<>-
,-----------------------.
\\\||/// . AS YOU SEE IN THIS TEST .
|' ,- -| ' I AM NOT THE FATHER.. '
| ( .).) `-----------------------'
| _) / o
' .___| ____.' \ o
\ \/ ,---. ___ \ ,'
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/ \ . // \// | | \ ___,-._____
|| || / /' |'| |%| `.|,---------.|
|| || = /===| | |:| || NOT THE ||
|| || /_/ / \ |:| || FATHER ||
|| || /:/ /88888\ |:| |`---------'|
||______|| (:/ _(8888888)_`-'_________|___________|_
// \\ |_____________________________________|
\) (/ ) | | | |
| , | (,) | | | |
| | | 8 | | | |
| | | 8 | | | |
| | | 8 | | | |
| | | J8L | | | |
< __>__> J888L | | | |
|____)___) _8_ |_| |_| lf
>Only A Southerner Knows
* Only a Southerner knows how many collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
* Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder."
* Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -
as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
* All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
* Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a
plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato
salad.
* Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between
"right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that
"just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
* No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
* A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.
* A Southerner knows that when you say "crack" the window
you mean open the window up (in the house) or roll it down
(in the car).
* In the South, 'y'all' is singular....'all y'all" is
plural.
* And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities
at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You
just say "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
-<>-
/:""| .@@@@@,
|: 66|_ @@@@@@@@,
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|| |Y| //`\ ."~~~~~".
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|_________| ( || ||~~~~~|| /~|| "`
|_________| | || || || /__W_\
| || | || || || |||
|_||__ __|_|| ||_____|| _|||
jgs (____)) (:;:;)) ||-----|| ((___)
>Strange and Funny Signs
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumbers truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
At a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Brutus The Bear
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/brutus.html
Stepan The Bear
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stepan.html
Real Three Bears
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bears.html
Kids With Dads
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kidswithdads.html
Al Capone's Car
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/alcaponescar.html
Stainless VS Gold
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stainlesscar.html
What Your GPS Won't Show You
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gps.html
Leopard Vs Crocodile
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/leopard.html
Highway To Hell
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dirt.html
Mule Vs Lion
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mulelion.html
Dangerous Critters
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dangerouscritters.html
Real Angry Birds
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angrybirds.html
Fun With Nature
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nature.html
Giant Catfish
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/giantcfish.html
Great White Shark
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/greatwhite.html
Only In Australia
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/australia.html
World's Best Dad!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wbdad.html
Hero!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hero.html
Full Moms and Dads Index
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/momsanddadsindex.html
-<>-
>Please Visit/Follow Me On StumbleUpon:
https://tinyurl.com/y76636qt
-<>-
Every State's Favorite '90s Kids Cartoon
From iheartradio, take a break from doing The Macarena and tear the
tags off your Beanie Babies because it's time to head back to the
1990s. The decade was great for many things but one in particular was
the animated shows that aired then. From Animaniacs to Dragon Ball Z,
the 90s had something for everyone when it came to cartoons. Now, we
know exactly which 90s cartoon is each state's favorite.
https://tinyurl.com/y79w6sp8
PAPER DOLL HEAVEN
Create virtual "dolls" of your favorite famous and infamous
people, and then give them a unique makeover of your
choosing.
http://www.paperdollheaven.com/
Why We Should All Re-watch 'Big' On Its 30th Anniversary
Wanna feel like a kid again? Give the Tom Hank's classic 'Big'
another look on its 30th anniversary.
https://tinyurl.com/y7m85fm4
Bird Bowling!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=M5eX4ymRiBo
Sharks Love To Be Petted - They're Like Dogs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4AI6T0-isc
Wild Whale Rushes To Save Diver From Giant Shark
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rufhXkzdwdI
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
A beautiful look at wildlife and outdoor scenery in Peru from filmmakers
Jacob and Katie Schwarz. I know many people are taking vacations to Peru
to see this natural beauty and such sights as Machu Picchu and the Inca
salt pans. The soundtrack for the video is “Eyes Wide Open” by Tony
Anderson.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1La4QzGeaaQ
Amazing flexibilty, elegance and grace. A video clip from a performance
on the Chinese television channel CCTV.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aePsteMUvo
---
...Wowsers! Thanks LouiseAu!
Navy Seal on how to survive a knife attack
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fo59X0E0U7U
---
...Oh My! Thanks LouiseAu!
Here's the real thing...
Official US Navy SEAL Training Footage, where SCARS Began!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6NzO2LRyj0
More In depth training
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vigbajSa9nk
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"People have been selling fake parking spaces. They charge
people to park in spots that they have no ownership of.
Here's a tip to avoid becoming a victim of this fraud. If
you find a parking space during the festival, it's a scam."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia
are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should
help you finally get some sleep." -Seth Meyers
"In the United Kingdom, a baby's first word was 'Alexa.' The
baby's next words were 'Find me new parents.'" -Conan O'Brien
"A new study claims that women tend to let handsome men off
the hook for things more easily, which is why I'm constantly
apologizing." -Seth Meyers
"According to a new survey that just came out, the issue
most on the minds of college students is whether they'll
be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it's
silly for college students to worry about whether or not
they'll be able to find a job because the answer is no."
-Conan O'Brien
"A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food
is cooked by robots. It's a little different than having a
human cooking staff. Instead of finding a hair in your food,
you'll find a USB cable." -James Corden
"Beachgoers in Florida have been warned about deadly flesh-
eating bacteria in the water. Of course, if you're even in
Florida, you've already ignored a few warnings." -Seth Meyers
"Experts say that because of higher gas prices, fewer
families will travel this weekend. That's a shame. I can't
imagine growing up without an 18-hour ride through the
desert with my father who's too cheap to turn the air
conditioning on." -Jimmy Kimmel
"According to a new study, 88 percent of Facebook users have
admitted to spending some time looking at their exs profile.
While the other 12 percent have admitted to spending ALL of
their time looking at their ex's profile." -Jimmy Fallon
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
--Joan Rivers
"A desk is a dangerous place from which to watch the world."
--John le Carre
"A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary
freezing of water."
--Carl Reiner
"Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be
ugly and work in the Post Office."
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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