Smiles for Father's Day ... :) Shangy! >-->From The FunnyBone: \||/ ,--. | o|o //OO\\ | _| ||c || Funny Quotes |(_ | /| `--' `--' azc The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. - George Carlin Ah, yes, "divorce", from the Latin word meaning "to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" - Larry Miller If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" - Delta Burke You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis. - Conan O'Brien Men look at women the way they look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. - Tim Allen There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno ====================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Tony in Australia :) I dont usually do this, neither do I think that is is useless for me to pass this on, someone, somwhere may just be able to make a difference, please don't delete it, let you conscience guide you. Tony http://www.howgreatthouart.co.uk:80/maddie.htm --- ...Thanks Tony. This is not a hoax - here is their web site: http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/ ====================================================================== >-->8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER by: W. Bruce Cameron ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron You can visit the author's hilariously funny web site by going here: The Cameron Column http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ ====================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Steve :) _---~~(~~-_. _{ ) ) , ) -~~- ( ,-' )_ ( `-,_..`., )-- '_,) ( ` _) ( -~( -_ `, } The Brain (_- _ ~_-~~~~`, ,' ) `~ -^( __;-,((())) ~~~~ {_ -_(()) `\ } { } In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH -<**>- >The Reunion: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my 20-year high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My Gosh!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" -<,,>- 110 year 320 day-old American man of Native American, African American and Swedish descent — the 44th oldest living person in the world. His father stood on the platform next to President Abraham Lincoln as Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address. His father was the illegitimate son of Lincoln's Vice-President, Andrew Johnson, who became President after Lincoln's assassination. He is quickwitted, opinionated, blind, talkative and one of the last living veterans of World War I. "Why have you lived this long?" I asked. He said, "I don't fool around with women, beer, wine or whiskey." -<,,>- Five Lessons About How To Treat People -- Author Unknown 1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady" During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. 2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain" ,' , , ' ' ,' _ , ', , o\`. , ' ',' +/\| , ', , |\ ,'' , hjm One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole. 3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve" In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip. 4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path" In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition." 5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts" //((~;; \\ \`_ ,' )) _~o) '; ( ) (''-___ ,_- | | ;---__ | )-|===| \ ~--|====|~~| |====\\\'._ |______\ \ \ |_|__|( ~~---/~\/\ /~_/____ \ ______--/\/\\_ W< Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. --- ...Nice! Thanks Steve! ====================================================================== >-->I'm Not Your Father . . . ,-----------------------. \\\||/// . AS YOU SEE IN THIS TEST . |' ,- -| ' I AM NOT THE FATHER.. ' | ( .).) `-----------------------' | _) / o ' .___| ____.' \ o \ \/ ,---. ___ \ ,' ,-`--'-. ,-. // \\,' `. \ ,' / \ . // \// | | \ ___,-._____ || || / /' |'| |%| `.|,---------.| || || = /===| | |:| || NOT THE || || || /_/ / \ |:| || FATHER || || || /:/ /88888\ |:| |`---------'| ||______|| (:/ _(8888888)_`-'_________|___________|_ // \\ |_____________________________________| \) (/ ) | | | | | , | (,) | | | | | | | 8 | | | | | | | 8 | | | | | | | 8 | | | | | | | J8L | | | | < __>__> J888L | | | | |____)___) _8_ |_| |_| lf A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father." ======================================================================= >-->Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier >Laws of Forbidden Places |: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : | |__________ : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :| |__]\% % % | : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : | |___]\% % %|: :______ : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :___: :| |____]\% % | :|======| :_: : : : : : . : : : : : :_: : : : : :/ \::| |_____]\% %|: ||\|||||:/_\: :,: : :.'o'.: : :,: :/_\: : : : :|// |:| |______]\% | :|======| =|= __#_____|___|_____#__ =|= : : : : | ,*, | | |_______]\%|: |______|: ^ :[___] [___]: ^ : : : : : \*;*/ :| |________]\| :|__ __| : : [_|_] o `(, o [_|_] : : : : :_____(_)___| |_________]\: | .||. |: : :[___] | ( ) | [___]: : :_!_: || .|. | |__________]==|__||__|====_[_|_]/!\_@@@_/!\[_|_]_===/___\=||____|____| _ '=====================' | _ | |_) __.;;.__ _______________ |( | | /_\__ / ;(;;); \ ( ) _|_)| | ~=_|_ _)====/__________\==(\ /)=====(____|========~ | ~=|___|LL====|==========|===| |======LLLLLL=========~ | ~============================|_______________|====================== | =============================LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL====================== | lc================================================================== ' Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Laws When at Table ,%;, ,%%, ______________)(______________ / (__) \ /________________________________\ [________________________________] \ \ / / \ \ / / \ \/ / \ \/ / _\/ /________________\ \/_ [_/o/__________________\o\_] / /\ \ / /\ \ lc/ \_\ /_/ \_\ And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away. When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Laws Pertaining to Dessert . , * , ` *~.|,~* ' ' ,~*~~* ` _ ,* / \`* ' // ,* ; \,O. // ,(:::)=// ( `~(###) %---'`"y \ / \ / __)(__ hjw '------` For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >On Screaming .----------. / .-. .-. \ / | | | | \ \ `-' `-' _/ /\ .--. / | \ | / / / / / | `--' /\ \ /`-------' \ \ Jym Dyer Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Concerning Face and Hands .-''-. / .--. \ : / \ : : :.- -.: : .' | o o | '. .8-': :'-8. .' : \ _.'/ : '. '-' '..' '-' || _.I__I._ fsc Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand. ,. ,. {^ \-"-/ ^} " """ " { _ } ==_ .:Y:. _== ."" `--^--' "". (,~-~."" "" ,~-~.) ------( )----( )----- ^-'-'-^ ^-'-'-^ Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape. ======================================================================== >-->Father's Day Jokes: "Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?" "But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!" "Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!" What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost? Spook when you're spooken to! Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one! What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends? Mum and Dad! How many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier! My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on! Do fathers always snore? No - only when they are asleep! Knock knock Who's there? Canoe Canoe who? Canoe help me with my homework please Dad - I'm stuck! My uncle is always unhappy on Father's Day because he never had children to celebrate it with. "Weren't you happy at home?" I asked him. He said, "Oh, sure. My wife laughs at everything I do. That's th reason we don't have children." - Joey Adams My father taught me about the birds and the bees. He didn't know anything about girls. - Joey Adams A Man gets on the train with his son and gives the conductor one ticket. "How old's your kid?" asks the conductor, adn the father says, "He's four years old." "He looks at least twelve to me," says the conductor, and the father says, "Can I help it if he worries?" - Robert Benchley ====================================================================== >-->Family Loop. ____ / _\ \ .'\/ \ \ ,' \ \ \ / /-' \ \ . / / ,\ '| / / '-._| / /_.'|________\_\ \/_< ___________/ jgs '.| Many, many years ago When I was twenty three, I got married to a widow, Pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter With flowing hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. Now my daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up-daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa! ========================================================== >-->Keep Walking. An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Ford, Dad. You'll have to live with it!" ====================================================================== >-->Kids on marriage.... ____ .-'& '-. / \ : o o ; ( (_ ) : ; \ __ / `-._____.-' /`"""`\ / , \ /|/\/\/\ _\ (_|/\/\/\\__) |_______| __)_ |_ (__ jgs (_____|_____) How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry? ************************************ - "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9 - "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10 - "No person really decides before they grrow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married ************************************ -"Twenty-three is the best age because youu know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10 -"No age is good to get married at.... Youu got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6 How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married? ******************************************** -"Married people usually look happy to tallk to other people." Eddie, age 6 -"You might have to guess based on whetherr they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common? ************************************************** -"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, agee 8 What Do Most People Do on a Date? ******************************* -"Dates are for having fun, and people shoould use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8 -"On the first date, they just tell each oother lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour ********************************************************* -"I'd run home and play dead. The next dayy I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 When is It Okay to Kiss Someone? ***************************** -"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7 -"The law says you have to be eighteen, soo I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 -"The rule goes like this: If you kiss sommeone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married? *********************************************** -"It's better for girls to be single but nnot for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9 -"Single is better ... for the simple reasson that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10 What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married? ********************************************************** -"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Lissten up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"Craig, age 9 What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married? ************************************************************** -"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10 How to Make a Marriage Work *************************** -"Tell your wife that she looks pretty eveen if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 7 How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married? ******************************************************* - "There sure would be a lot of kids to exxplain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 - "You can be sure of one thing - the boyss would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7 ======================================================================== >-->Mom's Clarinet My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing." ====================================================================== >-->Dentist Prayer /-----| \-' | Q | )C ~\/\ | \\_ \ | \_77 |\ | ejm 96 |`` \ \ | """ ~ ~ === One of my patients, about 6 yrs old, thought it wise to ask her dad to pray for her since it was her turn to see the Dentist. The dad did pray but the little girl assured him afterwards that his prayer was not answered since, "The Dentist was still in his office." ====================================================================== >-->Out House Confession /\ _ / \ | | / /\ \| | / / \ \ | / / | \ \| / / | \ \ / / | \ \ / / |_______ \ \ / /|| .--. ||\ \ /_/ |8 / /`' *|| \_\ || \ \_, || || '--' || || | || || ()|| || | || || | || ||| || |8 | || jgs\\\|| | ||///// \\\\""""""""""""//// Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why... The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!!" ======================================================================= >-->FUN Places to Net Visit: Father’s Day Gift Guide American consumers are expected to shell out $9.9 billion for Father’s Day this year. That’s a lot of golf clubs! But no matter how much money we spend, a half-hearted, generic gift is a big zilch in the thought department. Stumped for ideas? Check out our Father’s Day gift guide, filled with suggestions for every interest and price point... http://tinyurl.com/3avgj3 UPDATED: Awesome Photos http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/awesome.html UPDATED: God's Paintings http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/gpaints.html Take Dad Here - Undersea Restaurant http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/undersea.html Or let Dad visit the Ttrees here: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trees.html What about the Grand Canyon SkyWalk? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/skywalk.html -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links Real Canadian Poutine Recipe http://www.recipezaar.com/113388 Predicting Weather using a Pig Spleen http://www.almanac.com/weathercenter/pigspleen.html Deadly Bugs http://exn.ca/Bugs/home.cfm Roadside Architecture http://www.agilitynut.com/roadside.html If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ================================================================= The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff. You have been told that Real Life is not like college, and you have been correctly informed. Real Life is more like high school. -- Meryl Streep At what point did bad decision cease to be an interruption of life and become life itself? -- Jesse Kellerman >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Wow Baby :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & SService You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DDARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: a href="http://tinyurl.com/2vrfzv">This Weeks regular Shangy emails ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN Lisst Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 'BABES IIN CHRIST','IN The Beginning', 'Crossing The Line','NEVER Give Up', 'FEAR - Feeling Kind Of Buggy', 'HAUNTINGS', 'Christianity And The Renewed Mind', or 'Curse Of The Law' --BE SURE TO Tell me which one you want orr you'll get them all :) >For a Lesson: Teaching ************************************************************************ PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS They keep our service "priceless" -->LET'S Have FUN and Do Some SHOPPING!! We've got patches, Phones, Almonds, and Chains, Furniture, Chocolates, Cheese, and Games. Clothing, flowers, dishes, and shoes, Desserts, Cherished Teddies, and Auto Tools. We've got NCAA, NFL, MLB, and NBA, Disney, Name a star, Movies, and KinKade. Jewelry, furs, leather, and lighting, Music, instruments, and magazines at best pricing. >Beat The Crowds - Let Your MOUSE Do the Walking! :) http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/yellow.html Get It Here ***********************************************************************