Story Time And More... :) Shangy!
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================
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================
>-->3 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
Our first hot sizzler is from our friend Linda. This
artist would be great at a Halloween party! Give it
plenty of time to load, turn on your sound and check
out her awesome talent here...
.
//
_.-"""""'//-'""""-._
.', , , , : : ` ` ` `.
/ , , \'-._ : :_.-'/ ` ` \
/ , , :\(_)\ /(_)/ : ` ` \
| , , , \__//\\__/ . . ` ` |
| . .:_ : : '--`: : . _: ; :|
| : : \\_ _' : _: :__// , , |
\ ` ` \ \/ \/\/ \_/ / , , /
\ ` ` \_/\_/\_/\_/\/ , , /
`._ ` . : : : , , _.'
`-..............-' bni
Halloween Lip Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lipart2.html
---
...LOL! Kids and I love this one! Thanks Linda!
This next hottie is from our friends Nancy, Linda
and Geniann. This one had me reaching for the
tissues. It was so big, I decided I best divide it
into two pages. The videos are especially sweet!
Check out these heartwarming animal stories here...
.---.
.--. ___/ \
/ `.-"" `-, ;
; / O O \ /
`. \ /-'
_ J-.__; _.'
(" / `. -=:
`: `, -=|
| F\ i, ; -|
| | | || \_J
fsc mmm! `mmM Mmm'
Newsworthy Animals 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newsanimals2.html
Newsworthy Animals 3!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newsanimals3.html
---
...Aww, so sweet! I am a suck up for these stories! Thanks Ladies!
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone:
Dear Diary,
It's been a while since I've made an entry, but I've been rather
busy. Between work, family and my never ending search for the
perfect waitress, I just haven't had the time. But tonight
something special happened. During the celebration of my youngest
daughter's first birthday, we discovered that she is a genius.
*
With cameras rolling we put her _....#...._
first piece of birthday cake in .-'` # `'-.
front of her. One taste and she |`-.............-'|
was off to the races. Cake | Happy Birthday! |
everywhere. The table, the \ _ .-. _ /
floor, the chair and a four inch ,-|'-' '-' '-' '-'`|-,
radius around her mouth, pretty /` \._ _./ `\
much her entire face. She did '._ `"""""""""""` _.'
manage to get a goodly amount `''--...........--''`
into her mouth by herself, but ) (
that's not what makes her a genius. .--' '--. jgs
/ \
When she had finished and realized that `'---------'`
she wasn't going to get another piece,
she picked up the paper plate and began to lick the frosting off of
it! I didn't learn that trick until I was almost 20 years-old!
.===. "Honey! Honey! Do you see that?
/ ,,, \ She's a genius," I said as fatherly
( /6.6\ ) pride began to seep in.
)( _ )(
(_/;---;\_) "She picked up the plate and licked
/ "=" \ it. She's a genius!"
( (_.@._) )
/'._\|/_.'\ My wife thought so, too. She said,
/. . . . . .\ "Yeah. She gets that from your side
`"`"|"|"|"`"` of the family."
jgs _|_|_|_
(___|___)
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
October 20 Is Brandied Fruit Day
October 21 is Babbling Day and National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day
October 22 is National Nut Day
October 23 is National Mole Day
October 24 is National Bologna Day
October 25 is Make a Difference Day and World Pasta Day
October 26 is Mother-In-Law Day and National Mincemeat Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\
\-- \\\\\\
(O(O) ))\
/ - \
(_/\/\ \ \_
./ )-'.:'. __
(((( (_/\/=::::\ _\/_
________________ \_,) /:::/\_\\ .' '.
| __________ | \:\ /:::/::\ \\ | |
| .' '.HELP!'.| _ \:\/:::/:::::::\| |
| / .-. \_I'm_ \ (((_)),__/:::/\:::::::|| |
| | : : |\ being\ \\__)::::::' \::::::|| |
| \ '-' / \_held_\ ''''' /::::::|| |
| '.___.'_ /capti-/ ______________|::::::.|| |
|_________ /ve at_/ ( ''---''( | |
\the \ \ \'-.____________/_/_\ |
/toilet/ _\ _\\(________________)____.'
\paper \ ( -- -') ) '. )
/fac-__/ //\ -_- )\ \ .'
\tory! > (__ /.-) \ \ \
^^^^^^____.._( )_)\ \ \ \
( \\\''' | | ) \ \ pils
__________________\______.___|_|__(________|__)_____
>Bathroom Exasperation
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have
really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom
completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I
raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in
there earlier."
-<>-
>Drop Off
My husband and I were on a flight to San Diego, he on business, me to
continue on to El Paso. As the plane arrived in San Diego, he collected
his things, kissed me goodbye and left with the other departing
passengers.
"That's sweet," said the woman sitting next to us. "I always just drop
my husband at the curb."
-<>-
>Financial Situation
A little boy was upset with his parents' financial situation, so he
decided to write God a letter:
Dear God,
My mommy and daddy need $500 for bills, and I don't know who else to
ask. Could You please help?
Johnny
The letter was received by the local post office and put in the "dead
letters" pile. The clerk, being curious of the letter addressed to God,
opened it to see what it said. As you can imagine, he was touched by
the letter and decided to help. He asked all his fellow workers to
"chip-in" a few dollars to help a family in need. When all the money
was collected, it came to $300. The clerk sent a money order in an
official Post Office envelope with the return address simply: God.
Several weeks later the same clerk found another letter addressed to
God in the same writing. The letter said:
Dear God,
Thank you for the $300, but next time don't use the Post Office.
They have a $200 service charge.
Johnny
-<>-
>Freeway Gridlock
My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in
freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner.
I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her,
printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the biggest kiss ever. "I
really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and
told me so."
-<>-
>New Laptop
I just bought a new laptop. I tried to load in a new browser but
instead I loaded in a bunch of junk, EG: the usual "We're here to help
you" programs.
My son yelled at me,"You do not need all that stuff, it'll just slow
down your computer." He rectified the situation and loaded in the
correct browser for me.
After he was through, and the computer was up and running a box on the
screen appeared, "WARNING YOUR COMPUTER MAY BE AT RISK".
My son remarked,"Every time Dad pushes the ON button."
=========================================================
>-->Story Time From Our Friend PatDeE :)
,,,,,,,,,,---''''---,,,,,,,,,,
--'''''''' ````]['''' ''''''''--
_3'''':.
_ .,---------------.
\\ / _________./ |[__]| o |J@"\\__
\\==o=========:; |____|[IL__|''''/_/')
/ `'-,._____===\=_____.,-'
\ \ ,
""""""""""""""""""""""
>HELICOPTER PILOT
Retired Marine and former Pan Am/Delta Pilot John Lovell
is Top Gun at Subway sandwich shop!
Plantation, Florida: Last week police were called to investigate an
attempted armed robbery: The 71-year-old retired Marine who opened
fire on two robbers at a Plantation, Florida, Subway shop late
Wednesday, killing one and critically wounding the other, is described
as John Lovell, a former helicopter pilot for two presidents. He
doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, and he works out every day. Mr.
Lovell was a man of action Wednesday night.
According to Plantation police, two masked gunmen came into the
Subway at 1949 N. Pine Rd. just after 11 p.m. There was a lone
diner, Mr. Lovell, who was finishing his meal. After robbing the
cashier, the two men attempted to shove Mr. Lovell into a bathroom
and rob him as well. They got his money, but then Mr. Lovell pulled
his handgun and opened fire. He shot one of the thieves in the head
and chest and the other in the head.
When police arrived, they found one of the men in the shop, K-9
Units found the other in the bushes of a nearby business. They also
found cash strewn around the front of the sandwich shop according to
Detective Robert Rettig of the Plantation Police Department..
Both men were taken to the Broward General Medical Center, where
one, Donicio Arrindell, 22, of North Lauderdale died. The other,
21-year-old Frederick Gadson of Fort Lauderdale, is in critical but
stable condition.
Mr. Lovell was a pilot in the Marine Corps, flying former Presidents
John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson. He later worked as a pilot for
Pan Am and Delta Airlines.
He is not expected to be charged authorities said. 'He was in fear
for his life,' Detective Rettig said, 'These criminals ought to
realize that most men in their 70's have military backgrounds and
aren't intimidated by idiots.'
Something tells me this old Marine wasn't 'in fear for his life',
even though his life was definitely at risk. The only thing he
could be charged with is participating in an unfair fight. One
71-year young Marine against two punks. Two head shots and one
center body mass shot.
Outstanding shooting! That'll teach them not to get between a
Marine and his meal.
Florida law allows eligible citizens to carry a concealed weapon.
Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?
If it weren't for the United States military, there'd be NO United
States of America .
---
...Great Inspiring Story! Thanks PatDeE!
If there were more 'consequences' like these robbers got, they'd
be less robbing going on!
I vetted this one and snopes.com says it is true.
Check out what the surviving robber got charged with!
A Total Touche'!
http://www.snopes.com/politics/guns/subway.asp
===================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)
__
\> )
/_/
____ /\_)
/''__Y /
\(>66___'_/_ _
\_ / (_ _/ \_)
U \_(_)___/_\
\ \_ (_\___
(oooo/ \___)
mic oooo
>Smiles
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches
the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
--------
A young guy and an old Redneck go into a pastry shop. The young guy
whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker
doesn't notice. The young guy says to the old redneck: "You see how
clever we young people are? You old guys can never beat that!"
The old redneck says to the young guy: "Any redneck is smarter than
any young guy like you! Watch this and I'll prove it to ya." He says
to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which the redneck promptly eats. Then
he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick. "The
baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one
too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."The baker is
getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. The redneck eats this one
too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous
magic trick?"
The old redneck says, "Look in that young guy's pocket!"
-------
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the
older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will
bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
--------
Two drunks staggering home one night and one decides to take a shortcut
through the cemetery. Half way through an apparition appears. "What's
that on your back?" the ghost asks.
"It's a hump" says the drunk The ghost puts his hand on the drunk's
back and the hump disappears.
He races home and next night at the pub he tells his mate all about it.
His mate is amazed and says he is going through the cemetery that night
as he has a wooden leg and wants a proper leg. Again half way through
the cemetery a ghost appears... "What's wrong with your leg?" he asks.
"It's a wooden leg," says the drunk.
"Have you got a Hump?" asks the ghost.
"No" replies the drunk. So the ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back
and says, "Here, you can have this one."
--------
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN
instead of three wise men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical
gifts like diapers!
--------
The "Bird Lady" was a difficult independent 75-year-old who sat in the
park feeding the pigeons every day.
One morning she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to
feed her daily company.
Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat
there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood.
Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling
her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that
can find food anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in
Africa.
Without hesitation the Bird lady replied angrily: "But I can't throw
that far!"
-------
Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was
arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6
times in the back as he was running away with her purse. The following
Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge,
sworn in, and asked to explain her actions.
The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15
minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a
waitress at a local cafe.
"I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol in my purse
hanging on my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was spun around hard to
my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away with my
purse.
"I looked down at my right hand and saw that my fingers were wrapped
tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out
loud, 'No Way Punk! You're not stealing my pay check and tips.' I
raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from
me with my purse, and started squeezing the trigger of my pistol!
When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6
times?
The woman replied -- under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger
the 7th time, it only went 'click."
--------
To my surprise, my 40-year-old husband decided to join our
daughter in taking roller-skating lessons. After their first
session, my daughter bubbled over with descriptions of
"scissors" and "T-stops." "The T-stops are the hardest," she
proclaimed.
"And what did you find the hardest?" I asked my husband.
He moaned, "The floor."
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseA!
-<>-
________
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>Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a Colt 1911 cal. 45 ACP,
and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and
your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Which of the following most closely matches your answer?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Colt 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife
out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children?
How many rounds does this magazine hold?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content
just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get
away while he was stabbing me?
·Should I call 9-1-1?
·Why is this street so deserted?
·We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
·Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior?
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days
and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click
Daughter:
'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son:
'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife:
'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
---
...LMAO! Love it! Thanks LouiseA!
and my Independent Conservative Answer:
BANG! He ain't going any where with his knee cap blown out!
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
>From BizarreNews:
It is a little early for Halloween stories, but this one certainly
qualifies; that is if you consider venomous spiders boiling out of
your walls and ceiling by the thousands terrifying.
A family was driven from their suburban St. Louis home when the
spiders started oozing from the walls.
Brian and Susan Trost bought the $450,000 home overlooking two golf
holes at Whitmoor Country Club and soon afterward started seeing brown
recluse spiders everywhere. Once when showering, Susan dodged a spider
as it fell from the ceiling and washed down the drain.
She told a St. Louis television station the spiders "started bleeding
out of the walls," and at least two pest control companies were unable
to eradicate the infestation.
The couple filed a claim in with their insurance company and a lawsuit
against the home's previous owners for not disclosing the brown recluse
problem.
At a civil trial in St. Charles County University of Kansas biology
professor Jamel Sandidge estimated there were between 4,500 and 6,000
spiders in the home.
The jury awarded the couple slightly more than $472,000, but the former
owners declared bankruptcy, the insurance company still didn't pay
anything and the couple moved out two years ago.
The home, now owned by the Federal National Mortgage Association, was
covered with nine tarps this week and workers filled it with a gas that
permeated the walls to kill the spiders and their eggs.
"There'll be nothing alive in there after this," said Tim McCarthy,
president of the company hired to fix the problem once and for all.
---
...Wowsers! Reminds me of my spider story...
|
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.-, ,, ,-. |
_ \(::)/ _ / | \
( '.3 E.' ) ;_/,L-,\_;
/'__'\ \._/3 E\_./ ARV
( ) \_./(::)\._/
''
Fear: Feeling Kind Of Buggy!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/fearfeelingkindofbuggy.html
*-- Woman finds leech in her nose after Asia trip --*
EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) - Daniela Liverani, of Edinburgh, Scotland,
came home from a trip to Vietnam with an unpleasant souvenir up her
nose. The 24-year-old backpacker suffered frequent nosebleeds after a
motorcycle accident, and assumed that a dark protrusion sticking out of
her nostril was congealed blood. "When I was in the shower, he would
come right out as far as my bottom lip and I could see him sticking out
the bottom of my nose," Liverani told The Daily Mail on Sunday. "So
when that happened, I jumped out of the shower to look really closely
in the mirror and I saw ridges on him. That's when I realized he was an
animal." Liverani rushed to the hospital, where doctors spent half an
hour pulling a three-inch leech out of her nose. "It was agony --
whenever the doctor grabbed him, I could feel the leech tugging at the
inside of my nose," she said. A doctor told Liverani that the leech --
which she could have picked up while swimming in Vietnam -- might have
eventually made its way into her brain.
*-- Drunk zombie Santa Claus arrested in Minnesota --*
ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) - Police in Minnesota arrested a zombie Santa
Claus accused of drunkenly wandering into a home and frightening two
teenage residents. St. Paul police spokesman Sgt. Paul Paulos said
officers responded to a 911 call about 9:45 p.m. Saturday about a drunk
man dressed in a Santa suit and zombie makeup wandering into a home.
Brock Quinn Johnson, a senior at nearby University of St. Thomas, was
cited for trespassing and taken to the police's detoxification center.
Police said the student had vomited on himself and fallen asleep on a
couch in the home. Police said Johnson did not know where he was when
he was woken up by officers. The home is located about six blocks from
the university. Homeowner Tom Sullivan said his 14-year-old son and
16-year-old daughter were home at the time of the incident. The boy
called 911 and ran for help from neighbors, while the girl locked
herself in a bathroom and called her parents to come home. "The police
did a nice job of calming them down and explaining the individual meant
no harm," Sullivan told the St. Paul Pioneer Press. "Fortunately, it
had a happy ending, and no one will ever think of Santa the same way.
If you're going to have a break-in, this is the best kind -- someone
who means no harm and was looking for a place to sleep." It was not
known Monday whether Johnson had been attending his school's homecoming
celebrations earlier Saturday evening. There was also a "Zombie Pub
Crawl" event Saturday in Minneapolis that set a Guinness World Record,
with 15,500 participants dressed in zombie makeup.
*---- $85M lottery winner hides identity with bear suit ----*
TAIYUAN, China (UPI) - A Chinese man donned a cartoon bear costume to
conceal his identity when he claimed an $87 million lottery jackpot.
The man dressed in the yellow bear suit Monday morning when he visited
the Shanxi province facility to collect his $85 million winnings, the
third-largest jackpot in the history of the Shanxi lottery, and he kept
the costume on when he spoke to the media. The mystery winner said he
spends $3,200 to $4,900 on lottery tickets each year. He said he plans
to donate some of his winnings to charity. The man is not the first in
China to don a costume to keep his identity a secret when claiming a
lottery prize -- a person dressed as Mickey Mouse collected a $65
million jackpot in August.
*- Police respond to crocodile report, find toy -*
PLYMOUTH, England (UPI) - British police said they responded with snare
poles and riot shields to a call that turned out to be about an
inflatable toy crocodile. Devon and Cornwall Police said a Plymouth,
England, woman called authorities for help shortly after noon Wednesday
to report spotting a 3-foot crocodile in her garden. Officers responded
with snare poles, nets and riot shields while a team of wildlife
experts from Dartmoor Zoo were called to assist. The officers became
suspicious when they threw water on the animal and it failed to move.
"The beast turned out to be an inflatable toy crocodile. Police have
apprehended the crocodile," a police spokesman said. The spokesman said
police do not know how the toy ended up in the woman's garden.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
_
_( }
-= _ << \
`.\__/`/\\
-= '--'\\ `
-= //
jgs \)
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor
advised that she run ten miles daily for 30 days. This, he promised,
would help her lose as much as twenty pounds. The blonde follows the
doctor`s advice and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that
she`d indeed lost twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him
for the wonderful advice that produced her desired results. At the end
of the conversation, however, she asked one last question, "How do I
get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
-<>-
I am the most responsible person I know.
Whenever anything goes wrong, I am responsible.
---
...LOL! That would be Mr. NoBody! He did it! Thanks Geniann!
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
_
(` ) _
( (` ) _
_( _( . ) (` )
.-`` _( ) '`. )
( .=( (_.:'-' ( _'
`( ( (. -'_,-'
.`(_ (. `-.' _,(-)
( . (_ __.: '-' `-(` \_(
`( ` ) _,(-) //">^\
`(__.:' `-(` \_(
`(__.:' //"\^>
mic
After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were
looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in
a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd
angles.
"Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water
buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth,
do you promise not to charge?"
-<>-
A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some
fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of
pigs. But as the weeks went by they gave him a call to com-
plain that the package had not yet arrived.
He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."
-<>-
Report from The Washington Post, in which they asked readers
to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby
out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R)
throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companion-
ship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use
as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as
a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata: On a cup of
McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin
area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
-<>-
All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the
matinee performance. At 1:55 the distressed director asked
this pair of women why they were not yet in costume. The
first one said, "it may seem like a silly superstition but
I never put mine on until 1:58." 'What about you, the same
thing?" he asked the other dancer.
She replied, "Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!
-<>-
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to
change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took
the call asked where Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm
not stupid or anything, just tell me what state it's in."
-<>-
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a
quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a
nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the
evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a
Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the
offensive.
"How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself?
How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol
myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe after-
wards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no
one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks",
then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and
could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunk Nun again is it?"
=========================================================
>-->From AndyChaps:
>** Andy Says... Just Think About This! **
Seem to be or not seem to be....
\
,,,,,,
/e ''(
(_ ` \
___> \
/ ,_\-.___ \_
/ _)/ / \
| \ / ` _ |
__\____/ / ' |
/ _ /______/
/ _/ \,_____/o (
\__)/` \
/ \__________/_/_
_/ \ \ )/ \
/ / | /\ (
\_____/ ___/ \ \ _/ \
______/_/___|_| ) \ /
/ o\ o\ / / /\
b'ger,,,'-----^--',,,,,,',,|_,,\_ ,,\/,,
** Top 45 Oxymorons! **
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
-<>-
>What Are You Going To Do About It
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped
the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking
lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off
on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of
control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck
couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what
are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower
my right thumb."
-<>-
>Because I Am a Man
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to
fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I
wouldn't know where to start."
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items Like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing.
And never under any circumstances expect me to pick up anything for
which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding
a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is
okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something
for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just get out of here now?
-<>-
>Steak or Chicken
On a flight home after a business trip and traveling "cattle class",
Greg was waiting for his meal. By the time the attendant reached his
seat, only one dinner remained on her cart. Nonetheless, she followed
routine by asking, "Steak or chicken, sir?"
Greg stared hard at the dinner for some time before responding,
"Okay, you got me. I give up. Which one is it?"
-<>-
>Good News / Bad News for the Pastor
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way
you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search
committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things
exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show",
"Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your
parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last 3 weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your
denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise
visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with
toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.
-<>-
>Short Takes
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog"
in front of them: dog rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if
they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a pot belly, and still think they are
beautiful. ~ Anonymous
A ten year old, under the tutelege of her grandmother, was becoming
quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother by asking, 'Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the
Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?'
One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about.
Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."
Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what
that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."
Halloween: A pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental
Association.
(STROADEnote: make sure everyone eats lots of sweets to rot your
fangs!)
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching
the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props
and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked
the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
-<>-
>Women Say More Than Men:
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women
use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had
been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he
showed her the study results. It read, 'Men use about 15,000 words
per day, but women use 30,000.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her
husband, 'It's because we have to repeat everything we say.'
The husband said, What?'
-<>-
>Funeral Arrangements
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the
family is discussing funeral arrangements. Grandson Gary says,
"We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred
people. We'll order fifty limousines."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that?
We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo, just for us!"
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers.
We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet,
that's enough!"
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from
the bedroom, "Why don't you just get me my pants? I'll walk to the
cemetery."
-<>-
>Not Fair
For years Pastor Pinke's favorite hobby had been position target
shooting with a small-bore, 22-caliber rifle. He's been a member of
several teams and enjoyed competition.
During a tournament in Waukesha, Wis., he came off the line after
firing a round from the kneeling position. A member of the other
team, who knew he was a pastor, asked him how he had done.
"I think I scored a hundred," he answered.
"That's really not fair, you know," his competitor said.
"What do you mean, it's not fair?" the Reverend inquired. "I
work awfully hard at this."
His answer: "It's not fair, Pastor, because you've had so much
practice on your knees!"
-<>-
>Why Is IT
Why is it that a man can climb the highest
mountain, swim the widest ocean, fight the
strongest tiger, but once he's married, he can
barely take out the garbage?
-<>-
>OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT
At the outpatient surgery center where I work,
the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients
before their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a
co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was
correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still
as bad there as it used to be?"
"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still
cooking it."
-<>-
>Bumper Stickers (That should exist)
** - I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
** - Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
** - God must love stupid people, he made so many.
** - I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
** - Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
** - I'm out of bed and dressed--what more do you want?
** - Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
** - Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Animations for Halloween
GARGOYLE, GHOST, HALLOWEEN, HAUNTED HOUSE
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_f-j.html
MONSTERs
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_k-o.html
PUMPKINs, SPIDERs, TRICKorTREAT
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html
VAMPIRE, WITCH, WIZARD, WOLF, WORDS:Hal-Boop, WORDS:Hallo
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html
Haunting
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/haunting.html
God's Bumper Stickers!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gbumper.html
Camel Hair Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/camelhair.html
Chapel With Bone Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chapel.html
Extreme Pumpkin Art 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pumpkin2.html
Tricks For Treats
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tricksfortreats.html
Extreme Dog Grooming
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doggrooming.html
China's Craze For DOgs
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chinadogs.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend Melody :)
Food, Nutrition & Science - Life of a Farmer: October
http://tinyurl.com/p8b37u6
Slow Cooker Crustless Pumpkin Pie
http://tinyurl.com/ll6m4lr
Funny Pug Vines Compilation MAY 2014 - YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krCvcOWM92Y
---
...LOL! Thanks Melody!
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseA :)
The voting for the who's The Best Dog In The World has begun and it
looks like we might already have a look at who the winner is going to
be. The coolness and confidence displayed by Amelia demonstrate how
anyone running for elected office should conduct themselves when in
front of a camera.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=PsLm6_qHeag
The horse "Lady in Black" is up to the challenge of going step-for-step
with four human dancers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=AGLCZSwYfDo
Twitch is a German shepherd that just wants to hang out with her
friend. Every time the owners put Sophie in the kennel, Twitch figures
out how to break her out. They must drive their owners crazy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=3Q6fEJOH7R0
Mounted cameras have given us the ability to see things like never
before. Now, you can see exactly what a falcon sees when it's chasing
its prey. It's really amazing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=WIaUXnduKi0
---
...Awesome! Thanks LouiseA!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"A woman in the U.K. held a wedding ceremony to marry her-
self. I don't know how to tell you this, but I think that
lady you just married might be crazy." -Seth Meyers
"A new study has revealed that the reading level of
presidential speeches has dropped significantly over
the last 200 years. Or as Americans put it, 'Why dat?'"
-Jimmy Fallon
"The speed limit here in New York City used to be 30 miles
an hour. Now it is 25 miles an hour. I've gotten out of a
cab moving 25 miles an hour." -David Letterman
"On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot,
declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech
with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I
spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop
twitching." -Seth Meyers
"New York state is spending $750 million to open a solar
plant in Buffalo, which will create thousands of jobs.
Most of those jobs will be shoveling the snow off the
solar equipment." -Jimmy Fallon
"A lot of people have a three-day weekend because of
Columbus Day. As the story goes, Columbus was aiming for
India, wound up in the Caribbean, and Americans have been
terrible at geography ever since." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Bookmakers have listed Pope Francis as the odds-on favorite
to win the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. So if you're placing a
bet on the results of the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize...you have
a gambling problem." -Seth Meyers
"Vladimir Putin was nominated but did not win the Nobel
Peace Prize. Earlier today he said, 'Who do I have to kill
to win a Nobel Peace Prize?'" Dave Letterman
"Runners from Kenya came in first, second, and third in the
Chicago Marathon yesterday. Even crazier, all three runners
turned out to be one dude lapping everyone." -Jimmy Fallon
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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