Tests, Quotes, GAS, Teachers & More ... :) Shangy!! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================== >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) Today marks one week since I had my surgery and my gall bladder removed. I still got metal in my stomach and have a just a couple more days to wait till I can get the staples removed. It has been a long week. I have not taken a vacation in over ten years so forcing myself to spend only limited time on the ezine and my web site has been difficult. I am not used to not spending hour after hour after hour working on my computer. It is hard. I will be glad when I am able to return to my normal schedule! I'm being good though and taking care of myself so I will again be cheating on this ezine and use one from the past for our SMILES. I just have to share these with you though ;) >-->In The Wordly News: >From Our Friend Bob :) Bob sent us a forward that I found here - without the pictures... Subject: Fwd: We Paid For Her Scholarship http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/thesis.asp Many thanks to my friend for sending us this critical piece of info. To me, of course, it is unbelievable that this country could elect someone like Obama with the un-American 'baggage' that he brings. This is NOT an original work of mine. I recieved it as an e-mail, and thought it worthy of a post here... http://tinyurl.com/4rxl3q --- ...Thank You Bob! The problem I see with Obama's wife is that she sat with him all those years in the church of the radical anti-American anti white Rev. Jeremiah Wright preaching to her. You and I would of walked out on him the first time we heard him preach, but they stayed Sunday after sunday, week after week, month after month, year after year after year. Obama had first said Jeremiah Wright was his mentor but then turned on him when he saw it was hurting his polls. They are two peas in a pod. I do not trust either one of them. I just found this out about Obama's running mate Biden. He suffered the loss of his wife and daughter in a terrible accident in the 70's. A truck driver broad sided his wife's car when she failed to stop at an intersection. The way Biden tells it, he says the truck driver was drunk and caused the accident. The truck driver died in 1999 and cannot defend himself, but his daughter has decided to stand up for her dad and her family and make sure the story is set straight. She said they did an investigation at the time and found no alcohol was present. Her father was never charged with any wrong doing. Their family had reached out to Biden several times and he told them not to worry that he knew her dad was not at fault. It was horrible accident. She said her dad even tried to avoid hitting their car and wound up flipping the truck over. He went to his grave saddened that he had any part in their death. Here is the story... Biden Lies about first wifes death http://mrssatan.blogspot.com/2008/09/biden-lied-about-first-wifes-death.html The point is, Joe Biden lied about such a terrible thing as this for seemingly very little gain unless he was after a few more votes. So what will he lie about when it is really important? When he really has much to gain? Another pea in the pod, I see why Obama picked him for his running mate - he has no trouble lying when it suits him. Just like Obama who switches allegiance when it suits him or does this... >From NRA: Barack Obama--Lying Rabble Rouser In an appearance in Nevada, anti-gun presidential candidate Barack Obama told his followers: "I need you to go out and talk to your friends and talk to your neighbors. I want you to talk to them whether they are independent or whether they are Republican. I want you to argue with them and get in their face," he said. "And if they tell you that, 'Well, we're not sure where he stands on guns.' I want you to say, 'He believes in the Second Amendment.' http://www.ilaalerts.org/UM/T.asp?A1.2.3692.2.2794086 Barack Obama has gone beyond lying about his long anti-gun record. Now he is inciting his followers to lie for him and to be aggressive and confrontational with anyone who will not buy his lies. The truth must scare Obama, and the truth is, Barack Obama is the most anti-gun candidate who has ever run on a major party ticket in American history. Don't buy Obama's lies. Or the lies repeated by his misguided followers. --- ...Some people may think it is good not to have a right to bear arms but just ask any Veteran if he/she wants to be told he/she cannot own a weapon to protect themselves or their family and you will see how important it really is. You cannot know how important it is until you have actually been there. Then you have the experience and understanding to know why. Obama doesn't have the experience or understanding. He thinks violence begets violence so get rid of the guns. But those with wisdom know that a good offense is a good defense. No defense and you are dead in the water before you know it. Having the right to bear arms is a good defense. Keeps the bad guys guessing. If you cannot defend yourself, you have no hope. You've already lost. The bad guys win. Talk about 'Dead In The Water' ... >Even Rudy Giuliani thinks Obama is a joke... Giuliani Touts McCain, Blasts Obama In Keynote Speech The AP reports Rudy Giuliani "said Wednesday night that Barack Obama and the Democrats 'are in a state of denial' about the threat of terrorism against the United States." Giuliani said Obama "is a celebrity senator without a record of leadership or legislation." On NBC, Brian Williams said, "In Rudy Giuliani's speech right before, it was a kind of stabbing, mocking speech. He said of Barack Obama, his rise is remarkable in its own right. It is the kind of thing that can only happen only in America. He was kidding. He said it in a mocking way." USA Today reports Giuliani "said Thursday that the nation must choose this fall between 'a true American hero' who survived torture in Vietnam and a Chicago 'machine politician' who 'has never led anything. Nothing. Nada.'" The Washington Times reports Giuliani "released a relentless attack on" Obama, "energizing a previously moribund Republican convention and setting up one of the most anticipated vice-presidential speeches in recent history." Giuliani said, "The choice in this election comes down to substance over style. John McCain has been tested. Barack Obama has not." http://www.usnews.com/usnews/politics/bulletin/bulletin_080904.htm =========== >-->From Our Friend Jo Ann :) BEWARE OF THIS VIRUS - Obama Sex Video Virus http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/obamavideo.asp --- ...Thanks Jo Ann! These virus making people are really low lifes! We appreciate the 'heads up' on this one! -<>- >You are going to love this site There is over 600 songs in this jutebox, just click on the buttons. http://fhs1961.com/jukeboxnew.html --- ...Ooo, the ones I checked were MP3 - words too! Cool! Thanks Jo Ann! ========================= >-->From Our Friend Tony in Australia :) >Unseen things Here’s a question for us to ponder…. Our countries, our cities and towns are dotted with countless churches, places to go to worship God and His Almighty name…. after all these buildings have been built, all the tabernacles filled, all the crusades gathering souls, all the millions of dollars spent by Church Organizations all over the world on evangelism, God is still rejected..! By thousands upon thousands of people! I wonder why it is, that it takes huge amounts of time and money to build up a church, and yet so little time and effort, to pull it down? Why is it so so! difficult? To get Gods word out to those who have need? And yet….and YET! I don’t see any churches built to the Devil! I don’t hear of conferences and crusaded being carried out in HIS name! But his word is everywhere! And to become a follower of Satan, doesn’t take years of study and sitting examinations and trying our best to achieve high grades….I cannot understand why humanity is so willing to listen to Satans preaching and turn a deaf ear to Gods Word…can you? I believe that society today, figures that our planet is the very centre of the universe, we attach far too much importance on ‘earthly’ things….our pride allows us to think that because we can be ‘seen’, because we can be “felt”, because we can be ‘heard’, that we pridefully think that everything EVERYTHING~ revolves around us! How arrogant then…. Are we? Right now, wherever you are, wherever you live, no matter what country, there is a struggle going on… No, I don’t mean bombs being dropped and guns being fired….I mean a ‘spiritual’ struggle…. Good against evil, and its of a far greater magnitude than we allow our selves to think…and its ‘unseen’… We still have problems as humans, believing in that which we cannot see…… Radio waves can’t be seen but we know they are there, man even claims to have ‘made them”, but they have been there all along…man didn’t ‘make’ them! Even the ancients knew of them! But modern man in his audacity, ‘claims’ them as a modern invention! There must be far more greater things ‘out there’ than we can ever imagine ‘down here’….agreed? Why then? Can’t we ‘see’ the work that Satan does in our society? Buildings being destroyed, churches being burned down, meetings being ransacked and people being killed and injured in the name of ‘religious’ beliefs….is this then, the work of a Loving God?? Is taking religious instruction out of schools world wide, a work of God?? of course not….. God says ‘suffer the little children to come unto Me” SUFFER means allow! Allow them! Not make them suffer! There is an unseen world out there, and it was put there for us…..but it’s a world where fruit grows free on trees, where the air is clean and the music is pure! A world where evil CANNOT exist and where hearts cannot be turned away from God.…Where is that place? Its anywhere that God lives…..! “suffer” Him then, to live in YOUR heart!…….and “suffer others to‘feel’, ‘see’and ‘hear’ the difference that YOU can make in this world… Don’t be a part of the ‘other’ unseen world….! Put away your sins! Take then to the Cross and let ‘Him who has loved you personally, from even before you were born! Let HIM deal with them! Start today! Living for Jesus!! Even as HE DIED! For you…….. Br Tony --- ...Thank you Tony! Yeah, I think Hurricane Ike is one of those 'unseen' things that you are referring to. Others will say it was simply an act of nature, yet this act of nature wrecked havoc as it came ashore in Texas and instead of weakening as a hurricane normally does when it hits landfall, it instead, gained strength. It caused devastation from Texas clear through my state of Ohio. That is amazing to me that a Hurricane could ever touch or effect my life so far inland as I am here in northwestern Ohio. But touch it, it did. It came blowing in to my state with winds of almost 70 miles per hour and blew over my neighbors big old tree. A mighty thud was felt in my house as it fell within yards of it, taking down power lines with it. Nobody was hurt, by the grace of God, but you can be certain by its destruction that this was not a force from God. Our God is the creator, the devil is the destructor. It takes far more wisdom and power to create something then it does to destroy something. Any fool can wreck and knock things down, but it takes intelligence to build and create something. Is every hurricane, tornado, or natural disaster an act of the devil? I wouldn't go that far, but like Jesus who calmed the winds at sea, I will say that if they don't do any good, then they certainly can be something that God can deal with. Jesus is our pattern for right believing. Did he say - 'oh it is only an act of nature, no big deal'? No. He calmed the winds that could cause trouble. So we too know it is OK to ask God to intervene in bad 'natural' weather issues because our Lord Jesus Christ did. If it was God's will for the high wind, then Jesus who always did the Will of the Father would never of interfered and changed the weather by calming the winds. Therefore we can conclude that it was not God's Will for it in the first place. These 'unseen' things are the devil's game. He uses them to turn people away from God. He kills and steals and destroys and makes people think it was all God's fault so the people turn away from their own creator. The very one who would protect and love and guide them. It is these 'unseen' things that fool the masses and make it easy for the devil. Like a magician with slight of hand he awes them into disbelief and sways them to his side of foolishness. Yet in his wake is left the 'seen' acts of destruction and death. Check these teachings out for more: How Satan Defeats HIMSELF http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/howsatandefeatshimself.html The Renewed Mind http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/renewedmind.html ============== >From LynnLynn Links: World Series Winners http://www.mistupid.com/sports/worldseries.htm Top 100 Fugitives http://www.fugitivehunter.org/index.html Ancient Calenders http://physics.nist.gov/GenInt/Time/ancient.html Acetone As A Fuel Additive http://peswiki.com/index.php/Directory:Acetone_as_a_Fuel_Additive Otto http://www.buffaloschips.com/91916.htm Patton http://www.buffaloschips.com/91917.htm Pepsi http://www.buffaloschips.com/91918.htm Perfect Husband http://www.buffaloschips.com/91919.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ====================================================================== >-->From The 'Shangy' PAST - 06-13-2001 >>-->From our friend Kent ... Neat website for tests Here a test, There a test, Everywhere a Test, Test: With a personality test here and an IQ test there, ...relationship, health and career test too!! OooWeee Baby we got 104 TESTs to Test You! Interactive FUN for everyone! Come and take a Test/MindGame/Poll/Survey! http://www.queendom.com/tests/index.html ...This site has a lot to offer. Kent ====================================================================== _, // /)/) (\(\ || / ..\ ).. \ \\.----' ,_Y/ \Y_, '-. \ ( Map of the Cat's Brain ) '. l \_/ | | \/ \ | /`/| // \\ |\_ |_ jgs \_)_)\_)) ((_/(__/_,'. (,----' ` .--------------------+--------------------------+-----------. | Obsession with | Mysterious Adoration of | Barf Gland| | Imaginary Insects | just one spot on the bed | | +-------------+------+--------+-----------------+-----------+ | Search and | Inexorable | Short Circuit | | | Destroy | fear of | that makes purr-| Licking | | lobe for | Vacuum | ing kitty an | Gland | | Expensive | Cleaners | arm-shredding +-----------+ | Imported +---------------+ Maniac in Two | Total | | Textiles, | Can Opener | seconds | drive to | | Ceramics | sonar +-----------------+ be where | +-------------+---------------+ Asthmatic | they are | | Shedding on | * | person locator | forbidden | | vacuumed freshly +----------+-----------------+ to go | | surfaces cortex | Infatuation with people +-----------+ +------------------| who hate cats | Inability | | hatred of dogs +----------------------------| to get | '------------------' | along with| | new cat | * Commitment Spot (gets larger when can-opener '-----------' sonar is activated) (there should be an arrow between licking and barfing) ==================================================================== >>STRANGE HEADLINES * Deer Kill 17,328 * New Vaccine may Contain Rabies * Woman Improving After Fatal Crash * Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty * Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide * Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half * Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty * Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni * After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth * Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found * Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00. ======================================================================== >>--->From Our Friend Kent ... :) >>HUBBYPOINTS For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed .............................................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1 You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5 You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2 You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5 in the snow...................................................+8 but return with beer..........................................-5 and no liners................................................-25 You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5 You pummel it with a six iron................................+10 It's her cat.................................................-40 AT THE PARTY You stay by her side the entire party............ 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2 Named Tiffany....................................-4 Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10 With breast implants.............................-18 HER BIRTHDAY You remember her birthday................................0 You buy a card and flowers...............................0 You take her out to dinner.............................. 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1 Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team........-10 A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go with a pal.......................................0 The pal is happily married..........................+1 The pal is single...................................-7 He drives a Ferrari.................................-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15 A NIGHT OUT WITH HER You take her to a movie...............+2 You take her to a movie she likes.....+4 You take her to a movie you hate......+6 You take her to a movie you like......-2 It's called Death Cop 3...............-3 Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15 YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15 You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30 You say, "It doesn't matter, she has one too.".................-800 THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding......................-10 You reply, "Where?".............................-35 You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100 Any other response..............................-20 COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0 You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5 You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50 You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do"...........................-50 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100 She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200 ======================================================================== >>JUST THINK ABOUT THIS: **Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.** **Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.** **Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.** **Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.** **Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more that it's worth.** ======================================================================= >>-->Now that's an easy to understand reason! I Demand A New Room! A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don`t like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it`s on fire." _ ( ..:::[=--. /o\ _ ) .:::'' \ (")\ /_\ (,`):::,(. `/:\ I I ) (. )' (' |:|`\ ,={_O_} jgs (,)' ). (' ),) _/^|_ -.__.' | | ===================================================================== >>"Personal Ad" SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup truck. Hunting Camping Fishing trips. Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a svelte good looking girl who loves to play. Call 565-2121 and ask for Daisy. The phone number is the ASPCA and I'm an eight week old black Labrador. ===================================================================== >>JEST FOR THE PUN OF IT When the vulture flies, he takes carrion luggage. Sign on the pearly gates: 'Heaven nice day. Workmen with special hats have super-visors. If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in one take so long? Use expose in a sentence: Expose lose to Mets 5-2. (MacNelly Prod.) There was a young lady from Natchez Whose gowns were in tatters and patches. When the question arose On the state of her clothes She replied 'Where Ah Itches AH Scratchez.' ====================================================================== >>Ya Might Be a Redneck Addicted to the World of Computers if... ** Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears. ** Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars. ** Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape. ** Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live. ** Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder. ** Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea. ** Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls. ** Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds. ===================================================================== >>True story? Here is a supposedly true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hun- dred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the same student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. ======================================================================== >>Gettin' Senile?? An old guy went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotton to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down." ======================================================================== >>I've Lived 40 Years With A Curse ' |\ .(' *) ' . An old man goes to the Wizard to | \ ' .*) .'* ask him if he can remove a curse he |(*\ .*(// .*) . has been living with for the last |___\ // (. '* forty years. ((("'\ // ' * . ((c'7') /\) The Wizards says, "Maybe, but you ((((^)) / \ will have to tell me the exact words .-')))(((-' / that were used to put the curse on (((()) __/' you." jgs )))( (() The old mans says without hesitation, )) "I now pronounce you man and wife." ===================================================================== >>It's Punny!! I had been planning this date with the most popular girl in school for a month. I had concert tickets, dinner reservations and my dad had given me the keys to his new car. Nothing could go wrong. When I was about to leave, my mother stopped me. She had just received a frantic call from my older sister, Linda. Her car had stalled on the freeway and she was late for work. I would have to go pick her up, take her to work, and then see that her car was towed to the nearest garage. I would have to cancel my date. I immediately refused telling her it was impossible for me to do that. My mother was irate. "Don't you have any sense of responsi- bility? She's family!" "It's not that," I answered, "I just can't be a brother and assist her." ======================================================================= >>Sounds Logical to me ... One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do I have to learn this stuff? I'm pre-med, I'll never need it." "You'll need it to save lives." the professor responded quickly. "So, how does physics save lives?" the student persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor. ==================================================================== >>You're not sick of Blonde Jokes yet are You?? Here's A'Nutter ... A blonde is driving around in her red sports car and suddenly gets pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches the car holding the ticket and pen ready and says: "Young lady, you've been driving almost double the speed limit. Give me your name please." "Hmmph!" - says the blonde looking very irritated. "And what are people supposed to call me then?" >>and another ...Blonde Watermelon Sellers Two Blonde Women farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar a piece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realized they ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck." ======================================================================== >>Oh, for goodness sake! .... Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food." The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?" The first one said, "Not in the slightest." Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!" To which, the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking." ======================================================================== >>Good Livin' You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I am 78." The man said. "78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down." the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life." ======================================================================== >>Wouldn't surprise me! During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signals a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asks why he has been stopped, the officer points to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked. "Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving." ======================================================================== >>Cloning Questions ______ (______) -If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or | | Henry IV, Jr. or wait, Henry IV, part II? | | | | -If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the | | law for him to play with himself as a child? | | |;..:| -Would there be a market for genetic "factory |::::| seconds" and "irregulars"? |::::| |::::| -Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to |:;::| be grafted? |;:::| |::;:| -Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and jgs |:::;| then attach the two together to make a regular- `:;;:' sized person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal. -Would it work if I binged and my clone purged? -Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Colonial Williamsburg? ======================================================================== >>Real Navy Chiefs... **REAL CHIEFS Think Ensigns should be seen and not heard, and never, ever, be allowed to read books on leadership. **REAL CHIEFS Don't have any civilian clothes. **REAL CHIEFS Have CPO Association Cards from their last 5 commands. **REAL CHIEFS Don't remember any time they weren't Chief's. **REAL CHIEFS Propose like this "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October, be there in whites with your gear packed because you WILL be a prime participant." **REAL CHIEFS Favorite national holiday is CPO Initiation. **REAL CHIEFS Keeps four sets of dress khaki uniforms in the closet in hopes they will come back. **REAL CHIEFS Favorite food is shipboard SOS for breakfast. **REAL CHIEFS Don't know how to tell civilian time. **REAL CHIEFS Call each other "Chief." **REAL CHIEFS Greatest fear is signing for property book items. **REAL CHIEFS Dream in Navy Blue, White, Haze Gray and occasionally khaki. **REAL CHIEFS Have served on ships that are now war memorials or tourist attractions. **REAL CHIEFS Get tears in their eyes when the "Chief" dies in the movie "Operation Pacific." **REAL CHIEFS Don't like Certified Navy Twill. "Wash Khaki" is the ONLY thing to make a uniform out of. **REAL CHIEFS Can find their way to the CPO Club blindfolded, on 15 different Navy Bases. **REAL CHIEFS Have pictures of ships in their wallets. **REAL CHIEFS Don't own any pens that do not have "Property U.S. Govt" on them. **REAL CHIEFS Don't voluntarily get the mandatory flu shots. **REAL CHIEFS Don't order supplies, they swap for them. **REAL CHIEFS Favorite quote is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship." **REAL CHIEFS Think excessive modesty is their only fault. **REAL CHIEFS Hate to write evaluations, except for their own. **REAL CHIEFS Turn in a 4 page brag sheet for their evaluation. **REAL CHIEFS Last ship was always better. **REAL CHIEFS Know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes the coffee taste better. **REAL CHIEFS Idea of heaven-Three good PO1's and a Division Officer who does what he is told. **REAL CHIEFS Think John Wayne would have made a good Chief, if he had not gone soft and made Marine movies. **REAL CHIEFS Use the term "Good Training" to describe any unpleasant task...Scraping the sides of the ship is "Good Training. " Having to sleep on your seabag in the parking lot because there was no room in the barracks is "Good Training." ======================================================================== >>Military Communication Down The Chain ... DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS: "Tomorrow evening at approximately 20-00 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area infatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it." EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER: "By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 20-00 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years." COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: "By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 20-00 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years." LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: "Tomorrow at 20-00 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area." SERGEANT TO SQUAD: "When it rains tomorrow at 20-00 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues." ======================================================================== >>How Would The Army Handle The Problem? The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor. "Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!" "And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate." The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help. "What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?" "In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other." ======================================================================= >Quotes Worth Remembering ... ## _[]_ "Remember folks - [Traffic] lights timed [____] for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph." .----' '----. -- Jim Samuels .===| .==. |===. \ | /####\ | / "USA Today has come out with a new / | \####/ | \ survey- apparently, three out of '===| `""` |===' every four people make up 75 percent .===| .==. |===. of the population." \ | /::::\ | / -- Dave Letterman / | \::::/ | \ '===| `""` |===' "Obviously crime pays, or there'd be .===| .==. |===. no crime." \ | /&&&&\ | / -- G. Gordon Liddy / | \&&&&/ | \ jgs '===| `""` |===' "Bureaucracy is the art of making '--.______.--' the possible impossible." -- Javier Pascual Salcedo "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -- Mitch Ratliffe .-. /# |`\ "When life hands you lemons, throw them at your neighbor." | . | -- Anonymous '.__./ "1 friggabyte: the size of a file that takes far too long to transfer over the Web." -- Anonymous ======================================================================= >>--->From Our Friend Kay .... :) SUBJECT: Bulletin Board Advertisements...GAS >>EXON: We're getting Richer Everyday! Regular Unleaded .... Your First Born Plus Unleaded ....... Take Out A Second Morgage Supreme Unleaded ... Believe me, You Can't Afford it >>or 76, Shell, EXonMobile, Texaco, Phillips 66: Sorry, We're Competitors, But We agree on ONE Thing... Before YOU Pump Our Gas... BEND OVER! ======================================================================== >>BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like? Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please. Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax. --BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE Customer: Hi, how much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends. Customer: Depends on what? Clerk: Actually, a lot of things. Customer: How about giving me an average price? Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint. Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 same version? Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be kidding! Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you. Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there. Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12. Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking! Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want? Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough. Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: What? Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs. Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Yes, sir, it will. Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint. Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all invented the same rules .....Thanks for painting with our airline. ======================================================================== >>-->From Our Friend Kent ... If ever there was a good chain letter this would be it! This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below! Bill Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William Jefferson Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. J. Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W Jefferson Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William J Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Slick Willie Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Mr. Hillary Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 ======================================================================== >>It's Starting ... __ .-"`` _``"-. A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy, /'. '.(##)'\ in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, |'.`'----'`.'| "Gimme a beer before it starts". She gives him | .-'""""'-. | his beer. |\ _.====._ /| |'--./^^\.--'| Fifteen minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a |__.-\__/-.__| beer before it starts". She does. || Budweiser|| || :::::::: || A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer, ||%&%&%&%&%&|| the wife goes, "Don't you think you're exagger- || %&%&%&%% || ating?" It hasn't been half an hour that you \'=-.,__,.-='/ got here and you already had two beers. I'm jgs `-.______.-' getting fed up with this." The husband looks up and mumbles, "Now it starts". ======================================================================== >From The Teachers' Lounge ...Real teachers [part I] Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's. Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge. Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church. Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas. Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day. Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line. Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair. Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around. Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders. Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals. Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. ...Master teachers can eat faster than that. Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house. Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine. Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders. ======================================================================== >>Abstract Art ... I think my Grandson best summed up my feelings about abstract art. We were looking at a painting with a wild mish-mash of colors and he asked, "What's that?" I said, "It's supposed to be a cowboy on his horse." "Well," he continued, "Why isn't it?" ======================================================================== >>Fidel Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees." ===================================================================== >>A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOUR FOR PATIENTS 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. ======================================================================== >>After Lent .-=-. As an ultimate test of his will power, ////"\\ a man decided to give up sex for Lent. .=. ( 6 6 ) Although not thrilled with the idea, //"\\ \ - / his wife agreed to support him in this (/6 6\) _.) (._ effort. )\ = /(-` `:` `\ _(_ ) ( _)-| : |\ \ The first few weeks weren't too (_/ `\_/` \ | : |/ / difficult. Things got tougher during / (_ @ _) \\_ : _/ / the next couple of weeks, so the wife \ \)___(/ / |===|_) wore her dowdiest night clothes and \/`"""`\/ | L | chewed on garlic before going to bed. | | | | | The last couple of weeks were | | | | | extremely tough on the husband, so |_____| | | | the wife took to locking the bedroom ||| | | | door and forcing the husband to sleep ||| | | | on the couch. ||| |_|_| jgs / Y \ / T \ Easter morning finally came. A knock `"`"` `"`"` came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!" Husband: "Guess who?" Wife: "I know who it is!" Husband: "Guess what I want?" Wife: "I know what you want!" Husband: "Guess what I'm knocking with?" ======================================================================== >>Well, Plow me down! I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said. As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time." "How can you tell?" "Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow." ======================================================================== >>Innocence of youth .... The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again." ======================================================================== >>Yes Teacher? _._ .' '. | / //\\\ \ | ( ( -\- ) ) | '-\_=_/-' // .-'\ /'-. (|/ Pay Attention! / '-' \ / / | \__ __/_/\/ /| | |\ / \ / The math teacher saw that little Johnny \ \ \ '-' wasn't paying attention in class. She `\/\ ; called on him and said, "Johnny! |/|\ | What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" | | | | | | Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, |_______| HBO and the Cartoon Network!" | | | \ | / jgs /=|=\ (_/T\_) ======================================================================== >>I Wish ... A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well. The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "Wow, it WORKS!" ======================================================================== >>HERE, Little Piggy ... c._ ."````"-"C o'-. Something To Think About... / \ _.' | | / \ _/--.<<-' When cosmetic products state "Not Tested on `\) \) jgs Animals" on the label, does it mean that it has not been tested at all, in which case the consumers are the "Guinea Pigs", or does it mean that they tested it on a select group of animal rights activists who chose to substitute for the animals? ======================================================================== >>THOUGHTS & QUOTES: "I tell ya, my favorite girls are the ones who wear eyeglasses. When you take 'em home you breathe heavy, they don't know what the hell you're doing." -- Rodney Dangerfield "Don't you find it strange when you first become famous? And it's so strange when you first start to get recognized. Like, in the supermarket: 'Are you Steve Martin?' Or at the airport, 'Are you Steve Martin?' Or making love, 'Are you Steve Martin?'" -- Steve Martin "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " --Charlie Brown "Last night, as I sat alone in my moment of deepest, darkest despair, trying to summon the courage to pull the trigger, Jesus appeared before me. He laid a gentle hand on my shoulder and asked, 'Do you happen to know how the season finale of 'The West Wing' ended last week?' I said, 'No, o Lord, I don't.' He said, 'Well, thanks anyway,' and then He left." -- Andy Ihnatko "Mormons are very organized. I had this neighbor Mrs. Mabey who stocked canned goods in her basement, so she could be prepared for when Christ returns to Earth. Because apparently what Christ is looking for is creamed corn." -- Natasha Ahanin "Organized religion has taken a turn for the worst. Just the other day I drove by "The Church of the Seven or So Commandments: Pastor Bill Clinton and the Reverend O.J. Simpson." -- Sue Bova "One of my favorite things to do when I was a kid was to watch TV. I know it sounds funny, but it's true. Ah, reckless youth." -- R.M. Weiner (from Ruminations at topfivee.com) "I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?' 'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.'" -- Rita Rudner "I was an accountant for a while, but I wasn't very good. I always felt that if you got within two or three bucks that was close enough." -- Bob Newhart "Did you ever read the book 'Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?' I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want you can take it from them by force. And second, Elmer's glue makes a great between-meals snack." -- Gary Barkin "With girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said 'Are you Louise?' She said, 'Are you Rodney?' I said, 'Yeah.' She said, 'I'm not Louise.'" -- Rodney Dangerfield "I was out on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters." -- Susie Loucks "As long as I have a cool TV, I might as well live in a cave. In fact, I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television -- the ultimate stereo cabinet." -- Drew Carey "My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living will. It's a document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I'm on the exercise bike..." -- Jonathan Katz "There are three things I never want to hear again on a first date, 'So...how much cash do you have on you?' 'Wow! You're a big girl!' and 'Wanna hold my gun? It's loaded.'" -- Jennifer Fairbanks >FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Seervice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? 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