Thanksgiving Is Coming And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! ================ "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ _,-'^\ _,-' ,\ ) ,,-' ,' d' ,,, J_ \ ,' `\ / __ ,-' \ \ ,' / / _,-' ' \ \ / |,-' / } ( ,' / '-,________ / \ / | | / | / | / /~\ (\/) { / \ } | | | =| / | ~\ | J \, (_o '" *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels For 2010 *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2010 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY! ================ |_| _, _ _ ___ | |(_||_)|_)\_| .'=:-\ ___ | | ._| /.='( ` | |_ _ ,_ |/ , _ . .,_ _ /. ^=.'-._..---. | | |(_|| ||\/_)(_|||/|| |(_| | =^.'=.'^//"(_`\\)8, ._| ._| |^.'=' .=||/' `\||;8.-' \'.^,=^'.||; ; ||8/:_,_ give thanks... './-`\= \\\.-./;//,_/`- \ jgs \__/-/'-\888::((()),_ /:. .O__/ (_88:::(())):. `8':. ' *~* For Those Traveling For Thanksgiving... May God Keep You From all Harm, Accident Or Injury! | --====|====-- | .-"""""-. .'_________'. /_/_|__|__|_\_\ ;'-._ _.-'; ,--------------------| `-. .-' |--------------------, ``""--..__ ___ ; ' ; ___ __..--""`` jgs `"-// \\.._\ /_..// \\-"` \\_// '._ _.' \\_// `"` ``---`` `"` Just a little note. If you are traveling by airplane and have the option of being scanned or advanced patted down, I would recommend the scan unless you are flying often (radiation). From what they are saying on Fox News, the scanners are viewing the scans in a separate location and the scans they see have the heads blocked so they cannot readily match a face to a body. Watching the horrible video of a 3 year old having the advanced pat down and not liking it at all leads me compelled to give advice. If your little one has to go through a pat down, please make it a game so the child is not traumatized by a stranger touching them inappropriately. For instance, say 'People are playing Scare Crow. The people with the gloves on are It. You are going to be the Scare Crow. You have to stand with your arms out not moving. They have to make sure you have all your stuffing. If you move, you loose the game." Perhaps have a sucker or something ready to give them for winning. Here's the video and more tips for children: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6ByKOhAhsU&feature=related -<>- >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) .-""""-._.'| / '.| | / | / | -= | /| ( | |/`< ) ) ( ; -=| _| ) \ \ / ____ /) '._ _.-""-.< .' `\/) / / \ / _ .'`/| _ / | '-._( __\ (__/_/=, ( \| \ -=/ /--;==========` ._,;'\==='-,..__/__/__.' `'--/,/ || ' \ / | / || ' \ \/ . || ; jgs / / || | | . || | / '=------| / ' ; ; ;| `-.___.___.___.___._/ If you are planning on cooking this Thanksgiving, http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html -<>- >From Our Friend Jewelle :) She Writes: snopes.com: Praying Mother and Son Rock Formation http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/awesomerock.asp The PowerPoint version shows horizontal and vertical views of the image and urges the recipient to "send this email to at least 10 persons". The image has generated a lot of debate and speculation, with many people believing that it depicts a real rock formation. However, not surprisingly, the image is in fact a work of art and does not depict an actual landscape. The picture is a children's book illustration by renowned Korean artist Kim Jae-hong. The image and other similar illustrations in the sequence can be seen in photographs of the children's book displayed on a Korean blog post. --- ...Thank You So Much Jewelle! Awww, well, at the time, I looked high and low for anyone to dispute this was real and no hoax web site said it was not. So, I've had it up for all this time. It's pretty cool, but I won't have it up any more. Fiction is like you say - very disappointing - I love the truth! I do not want to be spreading a lie. Refresh your browser and you will see - it's still awesome even without the lie in the middle! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/awesome.html I wish people would value the truth instead of playing games! -<>- >Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This hot tottie is from forwards from PatDeE, Sandi, and Johanna! It is a very adorable one that will have you going... awww. Check it out here... __ .--._,' `\ (__.' '-, / /_ _ \ __|e)e) | .'_ ; ,`) | (_) | /_.----._.' / \_/\___/ ,d8` \ / .-\\,oo8P` ; | / |;"` | | | || , _ /`'. \ './/'\. .' /.--;'-. | '--'.-._;' .' .-' /'-;` \ (((. .-'\ (((_.' \ ) jgs '._).'`--' `-` Super Puppies! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/puppy.html --- ...A Delight! Thanks PatDeE, Sandi, and Johanna! ============================================================= >-->From The FunnyBone: Little Liar Johnnie One evening as a family was eating dinner, the mother knowing that her young son Johnnie had been telling lot's of lies as of late, announced that she had made arrangements for her son to go over to talk to their priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars. The mother asks her son if he would go over to the parsonage and help the priest with some chores. So Johnnie being a very helpful kid went over. At answering the door the priest ask Johnnie if he was at church Sunday, of course he lied and said yes. "Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw what happened at church Sunday?" "Yes" said Johnnie lying. "Well I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up the aisle grabbing people from their seats and eat them alive?" "Yeah" said Johnnie. .--. / \aa\_ "Well I guess you saw that little dog , \_/ ,_Y) come in right behind him, and stare ((.------`"=( each other down right in the middle of \ \ |o the church?" /) /__\ / / \ \_ / /| "Yeah" said Johnnie, lying again. jgs \_)\__) \_)_) After a few moments of silence the priest finally looked Johnnie straight in the eye and ask Johnnie if he honest to God believed that story. Johnnie replied, without a quiver, "I sure do preacher, that was my Dog!" ============================================================= >-->Thanksgiving Is Coming... _,, _.-'` ',\ \ .-;`'(,____ \.-'\ _\-` __.-; \_.-'_.-'0 \/ / .'0 __ | /_.' .'o \ / .-. ,;--._\___/--. __./ | .-/ \ ^_> |\ /\ \ / <;/ \ \_/ |___/__\__|` <; | |) \ o ( <; |__.\ |o \ <; \ \ / o _\ <\.)-'`| =====""` \ /\__/__/^\____.-; | | | | | / \____|\____/ |===||===| jgs __/[](_||__l[]_ / || '. \ '-----'-''-'-.__/ >Top 10 Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to it 10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball. 9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper. 8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello. 7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper. 6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days. 5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall... in below freezing weather. 4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford was the sprout!" 3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave 2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own. 1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray! -<>- _,--"^^"-.,_ _.-"~^`~-. .-~`^~"-._ ,="`"-._ .----. _.-"`"=, ;_ "-. (0 )( 0) .-" _; .' `~"=,_ '.\ \/ /.' _,="~` `. ;_ "-. _.-) (-._ .-" _; : ^~"-.,___.' ( ) `.___,.-"~^ ; : _: `--' :_ : '._,-~"` :': :': `"~-,_.' '.,_.-`. .'`-._,.' jgs :__.-`-.______.-'`-.__; // \\ (((~ ~))) >How to Cook a Turkey Step 1: Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick Step 17: Turk the carvey Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out -<>- __ / \ _/=Ll=\_ [________] ___ ||/""\|| .'___`. ( 6. 6 ) / /"""\ \ __, ,__, \_--_/ |( 6 6 )| (--| | .-[\~--~/]-. ~\_-_/~ |--| _ _ _ / \ / \ .-' '-. _| | (_||_)|_)\_| / _, `----' ,_ \ /\_____/\ ( |_, | | ,_| \ \| |/ / / ,_/^\_, \ \ >==[]==< / \_(_|-|_)_/ _______, \/__.''.__\/ //=====\\ (--| _, (_, | TT | // \\ | |_ _ ._ |__, , _ ' ',_ _ | || | // \\ _| | |(_|| || \ /_)(_||\/|| |(_| | || | /'---,___,---'\ ( |_, \_, ,_| ,_| |__||__| / / \ \ [__][__] '--,_________,--' jgs |_ || _| |_ | _| (__)(__) (__)__) >Quickies... A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one fresh enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Don't you have fresh turkeys?" The stock boy answered, "But they are all dead. Now how can I make them take a bath?" What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy! Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." Have you finished off the first one? Yeah! Eaten it too? Yeah! What happened to the other one? The other turkey is now reading our conversation, boss. If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want? Ans- It simply wants to run away. What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? Ans- God save the kin. What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all. What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning? Ans- To be or not to be roasted, that is the question. The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?" What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey. Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!" "I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?" "Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..." If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off. If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE Why can't you take a turkey to church? Because they use such FOWL language What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? Turkey feathers What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes - a building can't jump at all What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving How can you make a turkey float? You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend James :) .========. .-| |-. .''-'`_.|__ __ __|._`'-''. / .--'` | [LI] | `'--. \ .' / _.--'''""""'''--._ \ '. /` .' .-' _.----._ '-. '. `\ | / / .' _ _ '. \ \ | | | | / `_ _` \ | | | / / '. | (o)(o) | .' \ \ | | '._| .-""-. |_.' | | | \ / | \ / | \ / | / / | / \ /\/\ / \ | \ \ | | / | '-.( ).-' | \ | | | | | / \`""`/ \ | | | \ \ / | _.-| |-._ | \ / / \ \ | / .' | | '. \ | / / '. './ | .' / \ '. | \.' .' '._| \/ \/ |_.' `'{` , , `}'` { } { } { } { } { } { } \,/ \,/ '. .' jgs '-.__ __.-' { _}""{_ } / \ / \ /=/=|=| |=|=\=\ \/\/\_/ \_/\/\/ One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE! --- ...Ooo mean trick! LOL! Thanks James! =========================================================== >-->From Our Friend Jo Ann :) .-""""-._.'| / '.| | / | / | -= | /| ( | |/`< ) ) ( ; -=| _| ) \ \ / ____ /) '._ _.-""-.< .' `\/) / / \ / _ .'`/| _ / | '-._( __\ (__/_/=, ( \| \ -=/ /--;==========` ._,;'\==='-,..__/__/__.' `'--/,/ || ' \ / | / || ' \ \/ . || ; jgs / / || | | . || | / '=------| / ' ; ; ;| `-.___.___.___.___._/ >TURKEY RECIPE I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. 8 - 15 lb. turkey 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good) 1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST) Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back. After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done. And, you thought I didn't cook... --- ...HaHa! Thanks Jo Ann! ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Johanna :) .---. (_---_) (_/6 6\_) ( v ) `\ /' .-'': ;``-. / \,Y./ \ / (:)___ \ : .-'XXX`-.`\_; `.__.-XXX-.__.'\_ / / XXX \ \ `\_ / XXX \ `\ / XXX \ _`\___ jgs / \ (`--"""-') / \ (=-=-=-=-) `--...___ ___...--' (________) *O.M.G., I'm rich!* *Silver in the Hair* *Gold in the Teeth* *Crystals in the Kidneys* *Sugar in the Blood* *Lead in the Bottom* *Iron in the Arteries* *And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.* *I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth. --- ...Oh My! Thanks Johanna! -<>- _ _ | |------------| | .-'| | | |`-. .' | | | | `. .-' \ \ / / `-. .' _.| |--------| |._ `. / -. .' | | | | `. .- \ / `( | |________| | )' \ | \ .i------------i. / | | .-')/ \(`-. | \ _.-'.-'/ ________ \`-.`-._ / \.-'_.-' / .-' ______ `-. \ `-._`-./\ `-' / .' .-' _ _`-. `. \ `-' \\ | .' .' _ (3) (2) _`. `. | // / / / (4) ___ (1)_\ \ \ \\ | | | _ ,' `.==' `| | | // | | | (5) | B.T.| (O) | | | // | | | _ `.___.' _ | | | \\ | \ \ (6) _ _ (9) / / | // / `. `. (7) (8) .' .' \ \\ / `. `-.______.-' .' \ // / `-.________.-' \ __// | |--' |================================|hjw "--------------------------------" >ONLY IN TEXAS ???? President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at the Joes Crab Shack, Houston Texas , I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!" Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked. "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor." President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya." Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day, President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harold's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!" Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back." Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?" Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.." TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN --- ...TeeHee! Thanks Johanna! -<>- ( . ) ) ( ) . ' . ' . ' . ( , ) (. ) ( ', ) .' ) ( . ) , ( , ) ( . ). , ( . ( ) ( , ') .' ( , ) (_,) . ), ) _) _,') (, ) '. ) ,. (' ) jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ >The Non-Burning of the Quran Have you ever given any thought to this perplexing fact: that when the leader of small cult-like Pentecostal church in Florida threatened to burn a copy of the Quran on the anniversary of 9/11, when Muslims attacked America and killed thousands of innocent people, the whole world rose up to object. From President Obama to the Pope to mobs of Muslims rioting in the streets, burning American flags and threatening death to America, every type of influence was applied to that man to prevent him from desecrating the holy book of the Islamic religion. But daily all over the world Christian churches are attacked, damaged and burned, and Bibles burned and destroyed, with Christian believers beaten, tortured, raped and beheaded by Muslims in the name of their god, Allah -- but seldom, if ever, is there even a mild a word of official protest and never does any element of the U.S. government register any objection. Isn't there something a bit off balance here? The Muslims are actually viciously attacking the Christian faith, but that one Florida pastor only talked about burning a copy of the Quran -- he never actually did so. The American News Commentary ************************************** Heaven is my home. Earth is my assignment. --- ...Thanks Johanna! , , /////| ///// | ///// | |~~~| | | |===| |/| | B |/| | | I | | | | B | | | | L | / | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' Easy to explain this one - it's the way of the devil! Not too surprising when you figure we are in a war. He has got to knock down the holy bible whenever he can because it is the Christian's best weapon against him... Take The Sword! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/sword.html =============================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: [POLITICS] >From Patriot Update: Pence: Deny Any and All Funding to Planned Parenthood http://tinyurl.com/24bogph Young Boy Strip Searched by TSA http://tinyurl.com/2fbksmy >From World Net Daily: Is Obama unhinged? Look what CNN reporter says ... On the flight home from the European Summit, Barack Obama stopped in the press cabin of Air Force One and joked that he was stopping the plane in South America to see Hugo Chavez. That according to CNN's Ed Henry, who Tweeted the message to anyone who might be paying attention, editorializing that the president appeared to be "a little punchy." http://tinyurl.com/272j9cg Plus! Contributing to the impression of shifting sands in his official biography, two newspaper articles from 1990 - apparently based on interviews with Barack Obama - reported that the future president left Hawaii for Indonesia when he was 2 years old, not 6 years old, as he relates in his autobiography. http://tinyurl.com/23e3pxk -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- Teen Denies Turkey Theft --------------- NEW YORK - A New York 19-year-old accused of shoving a turkey breast into his pants at a grocery store told a newspaper he took a sandwich but denied stealing the breast. Deon Williams turned down a plea deal with a six- month jail sentence for the robbery charge, claiming he was falsely accused of shoving the 12-pound Boars Head turkey breast into his pants and attempting to smuggle it out of the Fine Fare supermarket, the New York Post report- ed Thursday. "I didn't do it," Williams told the Post. "OK, I stole a cold-cut sandwich because I was hungry, but I put everything (else) back." Prosecutors allege Williams left the store with the turkey in his pants and was chased down by the butcher, who demanded he hand over the breast. Williams allegedly placed the turkey on the ground and punched the butcher in the jaw. -- Teacher Holds "Ghostbusters" at Gunpoint -------- CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. - A Tennessee judge has ruled a school- teacher was not justified in holding a group of "ghost- buster" teenagers at gunpoint at a local cemetery. Friends and neighbors of Stacy Swallows say he only wanted to protect a private graveyard near his home north of Chattanooga when he roadblocked nine teenagers late one night in early September and pointed an assault rifle at their cars, the Chattanooga Times Free Press reported Thursday. Used needles and condoms had been found among grave markers, headstones were overturned and cars were parked around the property late at night, they said. "It had been trashed so many times by a bunch of punks," Tommy Iles, a friend of Swallows, said outside of court. "These kids don't have any respect." But Hamilton County Sessions Court Judge Bob Moon said a history of mischief at the cemetery didn't give Swallows the right to hold the teens at gunpoint. "They were curious ghostbusters, but they weren't criminals," Moon said of the teenagers. "Should the young people have been there? No. Did they commit a crime? No." Moon ordered the case, in which Swallows is charged with aggravated assault and false imprisonment, sent to the Hamilton County grand jury. -<>- >From 2007 archived CoffeeBreak: LEGO competition environmentally friendly A LEGO competition at the University of Colorado-Boulder this weekend not only taught participants how to build but also how to be environmentally friendly. The eighth annual FIRST LEGO League competition embraced an environmental theme this year and drew more than 1,000 elementary and middle-school students as participants, The Denver Post reported. Each team was required to use a LEGO robotics kit to create tools to complete five missions. The tasks included having teams lasso miniature oil barrels in a simulated environmental crisis. Energizing Energizers team coach Christina Stephens, whose team represented the only all-girl group in Saturday's event, said the solutions had to remain environmentally sound. "But you can't get anything in the water because that would be polluting," Stephens, whose team won the event, told the Post. Police: Buttocks wound prompts drug charge A 42-year-old Florida man faces drug charges after being shot in the buttocks by an unknown assailant. Police in Jacksonville said that after Charles Thompson was shot Friday, a bag of marijuana fell from one of his pant pockets after they were removed by paramedics, The South Florida Times-Union reported. The paramedics had removed Thompson's pants to reach his buttocks wound and had handed the clothing over to the responding police officer. Thompson was immediately rushed to a hospital for surgery. Witnesses told the newspaper Thompson appeared to be talking to the man who shot him before gunfire erupted. Man sues for lost finger A New York man is suing Bellevue Hospital for losing his finger and then charging him $3,000 in medical expenses, The New York Post reported. Efraim Rivera, 30, had his finger cut off last February in an argument in Brooklyn. Police and paramedics packed the finger on ice and took it and Rivera to Bellevue, which is noted for surgical reattachment, the Post reported. About an hour later, a nurse told Rivera they lost the finger and asked him to sign a waiver saying he no longer wanted the finger, said the lawsuit filed last week in Brooklyn Supreme Court against the city Health and Hospitals Corp., Bellevue's owner. Rivera, a warehouse worker in New Jersey, refused to sign the waiver and was billed $3,000 for treatment, the Post reported. "It's a permanent loss," said Rivera's lawyer, Myron Lasser. "It's going to inhibit his earning capacity." ========================================================== >-->From Our Friend Wesley :) ___ (___) /` `\ / /"\ \ \_/o o\_/ ( _ ) `\ /` /\\V//\ / /_ _\ \ \ \___/ / \/===\/ || || || || ||___|| |_____| jgs ||| / Y \ `"`"` >When I'm an Old Lady and Live With My Kids When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And bring so much happiness...just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided. Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues, And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, And when that is done I'll hide under the bed. (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud 'til the end of the day! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, 'She's so sweet when she's sleeping!' - Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain, OH --- ...Funny classic! Thanks Wesley! -<>- .-~~~-, ( ) ( ) -^x^- ( ) /~ ~\ ( ) | | ( ) | | ( ) | __ _, (~~~~-( ) /\/\ (. ).) `_'_', ( ) C __) (.( .)-( ) | /~~~ \ (_ ( ) / \ ~====' /_____/` D) /`-_ `---' \ | .__|~-/^\-~|_/_ |^^^^^^^|| | __. ||/.\ | |OooooO \ ---. \ | | \ _ _- ,`_'_' .~\ \|__ __|-____ / ) < -(. ).) > \ ( .\ (. ) \(_/ ) ~- _) \_- ooo @ (_) @ \(_//. / /_C (-.____) /((O)/ \ ._/\~_. / |_\ / / /\\\\`-----'' _|>o< |__ | \ooooO ( \ \\ \\___/ \ `_'_', / \ \__-| \ `)\\-^\\ ^--. /_(.(.)- _\ \ \ ) |-`--.`--=\-\ /-//_ ' ( c D\ \_\_) |-___/ / \ V /.~ \/\\\ (@)___/ ~| / | / | |. /`\\_/\/ / / / | ( C`-'` / | \/ (/ / /_________- \ `C__-~ | / (/ / | | | \__________| \ (/ -Artist Unknown _____ . . .___ __ . . . .__ __ __ . . __ | | | | (__` | |\ /| | \ (__` / \ |\ | (__` | |---| |--- \ | | \/ | |__/ \ | | | \ | \ | | | |___ \__/ | | | | \__/ \__/ | \| \__/ >You might be stuck in the 80's if... 1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister 2. Forget "American Idol"...Bring Back "Star Search"! 3. you think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome" 4. you're still bitter that Wham! broke up 5. Punky Brewster is your hero 6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64 7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's 8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man 9. you're building your own Clockwork Smurf 10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams 11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video 12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms 13. you wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks 14. you call all motorcycle cops "Ponch" 15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks 16. you're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up 17. you know who Stinky Sullivan is 18. you work out with "Get in Shape Girl" 19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up 20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night 21. you know who Loverboy is 22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion 23. you think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis" 24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder 25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!" 26. you still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards 27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem 28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine 29. you know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma 30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story" 31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak 32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare 33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un 34. you can name all The Wuzzles 35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair 36. you like to "connect the dots, la la la la!" 37. your prized possesion is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks 38. you know whose number is 867-5309 39. you died on the Oregon Trail 40. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century 41. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train 42. you still watch things on Beta 43. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house 44. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos 45. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act 46. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows 47. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts 48. you're still wondering who really was the boss 49. you know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for 50. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the physical challenge 51. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag 52. you still drink New Coke 53. you know ALF's real name 54. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs 55. you can name all of the Thundercats 56. you got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese 57. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent 58. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out 59. you're planning a dream vacation to Mepos 60. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home 61. when you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back 62. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion" 63. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of the VA hospital 64. you check your Swatch Watch to see if it’s time to watch "Mr. Belvedere" 65. snap bracelets get you into trouble at school 66. friendship bracelets are ties that can’t be broken 67. you still sport your Wonder Woman or Superman underoos 68. you are still trying to figure out how MacGyver picked a lock with a toothbrush 69. On long car rides you break out the Mad Libs. 70. You played Donkey Kong before you even cared what Nintendo meant. 71. You still mourn the death of Rudy's goldfish, Lamont. 72. You have the birth certificate in a frame for your first Cabbage Patch Doll. 73. You go to the Pep-Boys trying to find a Flux-Capacitor for your new DeLorean. 74. you still own chequered, metallic or flourescent high-top Converse. 75. you still want to visit all the places mentioned in "Kokomo." 76. you think Pop Rocks are the coolest candy. 77. you need a shopping cart to carry your personal stereo with you. 78. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack 79. you still wish you could ride in the back of the station wagon and face the cars behind you. 80. You could care less about these new-fangled "CD's"...you still own all your music on Cassettes! --- ...Cool List! Thanks Wesley! ========================================================== >-->From Our Friend Del :) __)), //_ _) ( "\" \_-/ ,---/ '---. / - - \ / \_. _|__,/ \ / )\ )\_ \ / _/ ( ' ) / / / | (_____) | / /,' / \/ /, _/(_ ( ._, )-' `--,/ |____|__| | ) | | / | | / \ | / `| | _) | | | | | / \ | | | \ | | \ | \_ gnv /__( '-._`, >body builder The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!' He tells her, “That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.” He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "what massive calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “that's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.” He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!” --- ...Oh boy! LOL! Thanks Del! ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: \\ ///// | | (| _ _ |) |` | '| | __ | >>>___/\_^__/\___<<< / ||| \ Mike Hertz When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it. BUT a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure." -<>- "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." -<>- During my senior year at university, the wife of one of my professors gave birth to twins. Now the father of four pre- schoolers, my professor looked more and more haggard as the days went by, and his forgetfulness increased. One day, several weeks after the birth, he arrived in class late and announced he had some bad news. He couldn't find the midterm papers we had written weeks before. "But, sir," said a student, "you gave those midterms back last class." "I did?" Our weary professor replied. "Well, how did you do on them?" -<>- )..( (.o) `.( ) |||| ptr "`'" One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal. For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog. My husband demanded to know what he was doing. "My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave." -<>- My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time. Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to argue," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it." -<>- My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office to get our marriage license. After recording the vital information; names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties." -<>- _/\|\_\_ _| .- \___ ________\ / ) o`o__________ [nabis] - My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon. Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while." "Tom who?" I asked. My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course." ========================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: __ __ ,-' `' \ _---``-- / _ _ ; __ `. / / `' \; /`----- ) / .-/ ,( ), \-. ; | \( \ / )/; | - _5 `7 -; / ( ___-' `-____ | ( ___`-_ \ ____| \ / `,/ \ _(\__ / \ \ ; \ .' /' `i. / | | \ _-'( _\__-/ `- | | ` ,` `_ | BP ** GIVING/SHARING/GENEROSITY ** Giving is better than receiving because giving starts the receiving process. Nothing teaches character better than generosity. Here's what is exciting about sharing ideas with others: If you share a new idea with ten people, they get to hear it once and you get to hear it ten times. Sharing makes you bigger than you are. The more you pour out, the more life will be able to pour in. Somebody says, "Well, I can't be concerned about other people. About the best I can do is to take care of myself." Well, then you will always be poor. What you give becomes an investment that will return to you multiplied at some point in the future. When somebody shares, everybody wins. The amount you give isn't important. What matters is what that amount represents in terms of your life. Only by giving are you able to receive more than you already have. -<>- .--. /} p \ /} `~)-) / /` } ( / / /`}.' } / / .-'""-. / ' }-'} / (.' \/ '.'}_.} | `} .}._} | .-=-'; } ' }_.} \ `.-=-;' } '.}.-} '. -=-' ;,}._.} `-,_ __.'` '-._} jgs `||| .=='=, ** Always Turkey ** A new pastor, eager to make sure the church's employees would like him, called them together shortly before Thanksgiving Day and told them that each of them would receive a turkey. "In fact," he added, "as long as I'm around, you will always have a turkey." -<>- ** The Air Raid ** The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed down the stairs toward the basement. Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not followed her down. "Come on, Sidney," she yelled. "Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my teeth!" "Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What do you think they're dropping - pastrami sandwiches?" -<>- ** Blonde's History Lesson ** Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' Blonde Barbie asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.' 'What sort of question?' 'Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Barbie thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.' -<>- __i |---| |[_]| |:::| |:::| `\ \ \_=_\ jsm ** YOU ARE IN THE 21ST CENTURY IF... ** ** You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. ** You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year. ** You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. ** You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, What's for dinner? ** Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. ** You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. ** Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. -<>- ** Football On Thanksgiving ** As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important -- the football games on TV, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the Family Room to turn on the game. Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold Pepsi for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing." -<>- ** Saxbuddy's Visit To The Vet ** Steve took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says Steve. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet. -<>- ** Shopping For Lingerie: A Religious Experience ** A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. -<>- _ /x\,,,,,,,: 7_/;;;````: krogg ** Doctor's Fee ** When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully. "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?" -<>- ** Wild Cuisine ** I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game... We eat so much wild game, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year- old daughter looked up and said: "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods." -<>- ** Psychology Major ** During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university. "Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester." -<>- .--. /-. \ < ^ `D/ \_ ( )_/;. _ __|_, \\ ,(_I_______)\ //`-----\ \ // \____/\ // / / // _____ / /\ \ .---n-. //'` `\/ / \ \ _____|_"_~_|___// /\ \ \ \ / / \ / \ `\__...--' _\__\ \_/\ \\\\\\\\\\\\'-\__/--===-\__/-'`,,,,,,,,(____\,,,(__/,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, \\\jgs\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ** CROSSED COMMUNICATIONS ** Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush... "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks...!" -<>- ** Think About This ** ~~~~THE HITCHHIKER~~~~ John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!" The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning? -<>- ** My Dad's Lawyer ** A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!" -<>- + (|) _____.___.|_|. | / \ |===| | / \ | o | |__/__v__\|, ,| | | | | | || || |/| . . . |','| ||| A A A | , | ||| M M M | | wtx --------------------- ** What A Friend ** A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church." The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus." -<>- .===. _ _ / _/\ \ / )%.===.%( \ \/6.6\/ | // ,,, \\ | ( _ ) \/ \/6.6\/ \/ .===. _)---(_ /\ ( _ ) /\ / ,,, \ / `~` \ ^^ /()-()\ ^^ ( /6.6\ ) /\/ \/\ / /o o\ \ )( _ )( \ | | / (._\ Y /_.) (_/;---;\_) \|_____|/ (O_`&`_O) / `"*"` \ | L | / / \ \ ( (_.@._) ) |__|__| / ()/^\() \ /'._\|/_.'\ | | | /. . . . . . .\ /. . . . . .\ |_|_| `"`"`|`|`|`"`"` `"`"|"|"|"`"` jgs _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) ** Before and After Children ** BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture. AFTER Children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail. BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook. AFTER Children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline. BEFORE Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones. AFTER Children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door. BEFORE Children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes. AFTER Children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes. BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family. AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family. -<>- _ _ / )%.===.%( \ | // ,,, \\ | \/ \/6.6\/ \/ /\ ( _ ) /\ ^^ /()-()\ ^^ / /o o\ \ (._\ Y /_.) (O_`&`_O) / / \ \ / ()/^\() \ /. . . . . . .\ `"`"`|`|`|`"`"` jgs _|_|_|_ (___|___) ** A Creature Of Habit... Always ** Patsy offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of her next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast," said the eight-year-old. So, Patsy, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said. "But I thought you said your mother always prepares hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Patsy in surprise. "She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them." -<>- ** Vanity ** Judi and Gayle were having a rare heart to heart talk. "What do you consider your worst vice," Judi asked. "I don't like to admit it," Gayle said, "but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face." "I wouldn't worry about it," said Judi. "That's not vanity. That's imagination." -<>- _,,,_ .' `'. / ____ \ | .'_ _\/ / ) a a| / ( > | ( ) ._ / ) _/-.__.'`\ ( .-'`-. \__ ) `/ `-./ `. | \ \ \ jgs | \ \ \ \ |\ `. / / \ ** How to install a tile floor ** Any home decorator will tell you that there is nothing quite like a tile floor for transforming an ordinary room into an ordinary room that has tile on the floor. But if you're like most homeowners, you think that laying tile is a job for the ''pros.'' Boy, are you ever stupid! Because the truth is that anybody can do it! All it takes is a little planning, the right materials, and a Fire Rescue unit. Consider the true story of a woman in Linthicum, Md., who decided to tile her kitchen floor, as reported in an excellent front-page newspaper article written by Eric Collins for the Sept. 26 issue of the Annapolis, Md., Capital, and sent in by many alert readers. According to this article, the woman, who wanted to be identified only as ''Anne'' for reasons that will become clear, decided to surprise her fiance by tiling her kitchen floor herself, thus saving the $700 a so-called ''expert'' would have charged for the job. Step One, of course, was for Anne to spread powerful glue on the floor, so the tiles would be bonded firmly in place. Anne then proceeded to Step Two, which -- as you have probably already guessed -- was to slip and fall face-first into the glue coat she created in Step One, thus bonding herself to the floor like a gum wad on a hot sidewalk. Fortunately, Anne was not alone. Also in the house, thank goodness, was one of the most useful companions a person can ever hope to have: a small dog. Specifically, it was a Yorkshire Terrier, a breed originally developed in England to serve as makeup applicators. A full-grown ''Yorkie'' is about the size of a standard walnut, although it has more hair and a smaller brain. Anne's dog -- named Cleopatra -- saw that her owner was in trouble, so she immediately ran outside and summoned a police officer. Ha ha! No, seriously, Cleopatra did what all dogs do when their owners are in trouble: lick the owner's face. Dogs believe this is the correct response to every emergency. If Lassie had been a real dog, when little Timmy was sinking in the quicksand, Lassie, instead of racing back to the farmhouse to get help, would have helpfully licked Timmy on the face until he disappeared, at which point Lassie, having done all she could for him, would have resumed licking herself. So anyway, when Cleopatra decided to help out, she naturally also became stuck in the glue. But again, luck was on Anne's side, because also at home were her two daughters, ages 9 and 10, who, realizing that the situation was no joking matter, immediately, in the words of the Capital article, 'began laughing hysterically.'' Eventually, with their help, Anne got unstuck from the floor and was able to lay the tile. But she still had glue all over herself. So, according to the Capital article, "'she called a glue emergency hotline, but no one answered.'' I don't know about you, but that sentence disturbs me. I think somebody should check on the glue-emergency-hotline staff. I picture an office reeking of glue fumes, with whacked-out workers permanently bonded to floors, walls, ceilings, each other, etc. Come to think of it, this is also how I picture Congress. But getting back to Anne: Still trying to solve her personal glue problem, she called a tile contractor. During this conversation, the glue on her body hardened, such that (1) her right foot became stuck to the floor, (2) her legs became stuck together, (3) her body became stuck to a chair, and (4) her hand became stuck to the phone. ''I had to dial 911 with my nose,'' she is quoted as saying. When the rescue personnel arrived, they found Anne still stuck. Perhaps this is a good time in our story to bring up the fact that she had been working in, and was still wearing, only her underwear. Fortunately, the rescue crews were serious, competent, highly trained professionals, and thus, to again quote the Capital article, they ''laughed until they cried.'' Once they recovered, the rescue crews were able to free Anne by following the standard procedure for this type of situation: licking her face. No, seriously, they freed her with solvents, and everything was fine. Anne got her new floor and saved herself $700, which I am sure more than makes up for suffering enough humiliation to last four or five lifetimes. So the bottom line, homeowners, is this: Don't be afraid to tackle that tile job! Just be sure to have a dog handy, and always remember the No.1 rule of tile-installation professionals: Wear clean underwear. =============================================================== >-->Fun Places To Net Visit: Value Of Life http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/value.htm Ironic Isn't It? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/irony.html Pictures To Ponder! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ponder.html MacGyver - How To Do It! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/macgyver.html MacGyver - How To Do It 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/macgyver2.html Mountain Biking! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mountainbiking.html Doormat Humor! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doormat.html Bolivia's Road Of Death! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bolivia.html Playing With Food! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/food.html Playing With Food 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/food2.html -<>- >From Our Friend PatDeE :) I don't know how they filmed this, but it is AMAZING! This is so beautiful, so absolutely breathtaking, - - - so lovingly....so anticipatingly.....humbling. A Dog's Friend http://www.dogwork.com/ddcv4/ --- ...Oh My - What A Heartwarmer! Thank You PatDeE! -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Peanut Butter Jelly Time http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdfsdv.htm OK http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsijj.htm Oops http://www.buffaloschips.com/yuiu.htm Parent VS Kids http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsfsdj.htm Parking 1 http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdfsd.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com =========================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm gonna live a long, long time." -Craig Ferguson "According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a woman's chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice cream increases a woman's chances of looking pregnant." -Conan O'Brien "In a recent speech, California Governor Arnold Schwarzen- egger told his audience, 'don't believe the platitudes of a politician.' Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, 'Don't believe the platypus of a bad optician.'" -Conan O'Brien "The murder rate is down in New York City. The murder rate in New York City is so low, there's a pretty good chance that most of you folks will make it back to your hotel rooms." -Dave Letterman "Animal Control discovered a woman here in New York with 50 cats in her two-bedroom apartment. That's insane. I mean, how can a crazy cat lady in New York afford a two- bedroom apartment?" - Jimmy Fallon "Obama's overseas trip has been such a disaster that people in Kenya now claim that he has an American birth certificate." - Jay Leno "If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting." - Benjamin Franklin >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 CChristian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************