The 12 Step List & More ... :) Shangy! >-->In The Shangy News: .-=":-=") |_.'|_.' YOU'VE /" /" : / / / GOT .' .' : .-'-.---. / MAIL .--"""""--.. : .((((__ .\ ___.:-//\\\\\\-._ -. __..--'"` [.]-[.] \\_. ` `""--..__ ..---\ ___(/_ | /___ /---.. """",-/_...---'"`` \,_ /.- ``"'---..__\-,"""" " /"""'"'""""/ " \`'-.__.-' \___ aa/wkm "._________".' Emails to the group have always been mostly text messages. This is for members who only have the slower DSL or dial-up connections. Lately, I've been getting some great picture type emails from our list members so I've been making web pages out of them so every one can more easily enjoy them. Here is a list of the newest pages: BE SURE TO VISIT THEM ALL :) Dreamy Ladies http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/dreamy.html Dreamy Ladies! Love thoughts http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/love.html Love thoughts! REAL Fantasy Trees http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/trees.html Real Fantasy Trees! Leaf Art Paintings http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/art.html Leaf Art Paintings! Mini Baby Art http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/baby.html Mini Baby Art! Driftwood Horses http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/horses.html Driftwood Horses! Hummingbirds http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/humming.html Hummingbirds! Wind Snow Rolls http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/snow.html Wind Snow Rolls! REAL Bambi & Thumper http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/bambi.html REAL Bambi & Thumper! Awww Animals http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/animals.html Awww Animals! Miracle Baby http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/smellofrain.html Miracle Baby! I especially want to THANK all who have contributed to these - Becky, Bob, Del, Lee, Pat, Richard, Steve, and Tony. You have given us some SPICE in our every day lives - and ... A Big Thank You to all the group... I'm celebrating 10 years of being on the web this year. You've all helped to make it a wonderful rewarding experience for me. God's Most Abundant Blessings to You! ----> NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED JOOKES AND SMILES <---- >-->From The FunnyBone: CAT PHRASE - MEANING ,_ _, Miaow - Feed me. |\\`-"""-`//| \ :'.': / meeow - Pet me. /=- -=\.=";```":, |= Y =|':. ': ':`. mrooww - I love you. \'._.-'-._.'/ ': : : '\ { '. `'-'` .' } '/.:. ': \ miioo-oo-oo - I am in love {=. ` '-' ` .=} |:' .: \ =} and must meet my betrothed { =. "=_ _=" .= }.=\:' .: | =} outside beneath the hedge. \= \ ` / =/'.=`'--; //= } Don't wait up. '._ `\=/` _.' (_.-=-=-=-'=.' \,,),,/ ( ,-==-==` mrow - I feel like making noise. `._) jgs rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box. rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical. miaowmiaow - Play with me. miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room? mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture. raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy. mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am (\ now recalling, with sorrow, that some of )) )\\ my private parts did not return with me (( / .( from that visit to the vet. \\.-"```"'` =_/= > , / roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see \ )__.\ | that you have returned home with both > / / ||\\ arms full of groceries. I will now rub jgs \\ \\ \\ \\ myself against your legs and attempt to `" `" `" `" trip you as you walk towards the kitchen. mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm. gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hair ball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting. , \)\_ mow - Snuggling is a good idea. / '. .---._ =P ^ ` '. moww - Shedding is pretty good, too. `--. / \ .-'( \ | mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling (.-' )-..__> , ; and shedding in the warm clean laundry (_.--`` (__.-/ / until you removed me so unkindly. .-.__.-'.' jgs '-...-' .-o=o-. , /=o=o=o=\ .--. miaow! miaow! - I have _|\|=o=O=o=O=| \ discovered that, although one __.' a`\=o=o=o=(`\ / may be able to wedge his body '. a 4/`|.-""'`\ \ ;'`) .---. through the gap behind the stove \ .' / .--' |_.' / .-._) and into that little drawer `) _.' / /`-.__.' / filled with pots and pans, the jgs `'-.____; /'-.___.-' reverse path is slightly more `"""` difficult to navigate. mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here. .--. ssssroww! - I believe that I ." o \__ have found a woodchuck. I shall _.-" ,( ` now act terribly brave. _.-" ,;;| _.-=" _," ,,;;;' mmmmmmm - If I sit in the .-"`_.-"``-..,,;;;;:' sunshine for another week or so, `"'` `\`\ I think I shall be satisfied. jgs /^\\\ ============================================================= +------------------- Bizarre Criminals --------------------+ In September 1992, robbers in Las Vegas held up a van thought to contain gambling chips, only to find that it was carrying potato chips instead. In 1998, a guard was caught smuggling a wad of money in his underpants out of a bank in Atlanta when a tiny security-dye capsule exploded, blowing a hole in his trousers. In 1998, a would-be Texas grocery store robber went to the trouble of disguising his face with a balaclava but forgot to remove from his breast pocket a laminated badge which bore his name, place of employment and position within the company - an oversight spotted by at least a dozen witnesses. A 1975 raid on the Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothesay degen- erated into farce when, on the way in, the three would-be raiders got stuck in the bank's revolving doors and had to be helped free by the staff. Undeterred, they returned a few minutes later and announced that it was a robbery. The staff thought it was a practical joke and refused to pay up. While one of the men vaulted the counter and twisted his ankle on landing, the other two made their escape, only to get trapped in the revolving doors again. ====================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Steve :) >A Classic - Job Search Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock ( MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB ... At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA . . . . . . Y'all gotta Keep this one circulating, please! -<>- >TRICKY QUESTIONS .THINK THINK THINK You are going to hate yourself over this. It scores automatically. Take this advice .. be sure and think before you answer. http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm test ==================================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150." After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..." -<>- A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head. The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block. The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing. Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!" -<>- Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again." But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?" "Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap." -<>- When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the con- venience store." -<>- My little niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get you." -<>- "That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex- boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age." ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend Richard :) .---. ___ /_____\ /\.-`( '.' ) / / \_-_/_ \ `-.-"`'V'//-. `.__, |// , \ |Ll //Ll|\ \ |__// | \_\ /---|[]==| / / \__/ | \/\/ /_ | Ll_\| Classic Military Humor |`^"""^`| | | | | | | | | | | | | L___l___J jgs |_ | _| (___|___) ^^^ ^^^ A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.. "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -------------------------------------------------------------- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible." Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. it is much more difficult to fly there." "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operatingg base Kadena, Japan "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club." "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... the pilot dies." "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers." Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication." "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!" "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test ppilot) "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test piilot) "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthhan AFB, AZ, 1970 "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot ) --------------------------------------------------------------------- "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Seaman "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor ======================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Bob :) >Toilet Cleaning Instructions: 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. /\ \ \ \ \ / / / / _\ \_/\/\ / * \@@ = | |Y/ | |~ \ /_\ / \\ // ||| _|||_ ( / \ )-Skorch 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse" 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. .-..--. / \ `. o/' o>| \ .-------. .' | | / `----.___ m__.-'' \__/ J ` __ /| |` | /| / |\/`--' ( / `. .' \ | | | _ _ \ / \ .-' .' \ | \ _ ` `_ ) J L -' .-' | ) \ `. \.' `. _X/ \ |\ .-' | ( \ `````` \ \ \| `-._.-' | | | | | | | |`. \ \ | \ \ \ \ | | | | |-._.-| | | || `. `._`._ \ \_ \ `_ -' |((' | `-)) | | | `.__)__) | `._) `._) | (((/ \))) VK -Signed The Dog -<>- %%%%%% %%%%%%%% %%%%% ,, %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% (< ?%%%%%%%%%%% ~ % ___ //___ / | '/ ( )( ) | ', ################## b'ger """""""""""""""""" Dear Abby Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he left his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for A new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a no body What should I do? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him any more. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one! -<>- Solve the riddle You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Scroll Down for the answer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round!* |\| |\| ,_.-('--. |\| .( '-.'.\'\_, |\| / `-.`_;;==/(/=, |\| |.-.-'.'#, #`=.`.\ |\| { .-.' `##O##\\,| |\|/-'./ '._ # <| \) |\{ -./ |\ # | ,__ |\|{_/ \ |# | .--'( `""=--:;.;'+; |(# o/ .' `";";"#`` `# '. | `"` / .'.' #, ,# '.'. / _.-'| .'.'_ ##, ,## _'.'. `-._ .' .'/| '.__. `'.#####.-'.--'` _ `\ / .-'| \ , `'-._|#|_.'` ;-.__.' | / |( / | | / `'._ |#| _.-' \ \/ / \ ) \ / /`._ `"";"| /`-./ / |.' / )', \._ `\ |\| \___ / / .'_.; \ \ `) | |\| / /` '._;.-,) `\ \/ | |\| .-' / ( ) |_/ |\| |_.' jgs .-' / |\| \_.' |\| |\| |\| |\| |\| ============================================================== >-->From The Jokester: The Jokester and the Shrink The Jokester went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there is somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said The Jokester. Six months later the doctor met The Jokester on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!" -<>- It's Her Problem A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away." "I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem." "I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: ' money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble." "I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?" "For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz." -<>- Paintings An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor." =================================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: Forgive Our Enemies In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One Hundred and one". "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!" -<>- ,n888888n, .8888888888b 888888888888nd8P~''8g, 88888888888888 _ `'~\. .n. `Y888888888888. / _ |~\\ (8"8b ,nnn.. 8888888b. | \ \m\|8888P ,d8888888888888888b. \8b|.\P~ ~P8~ 888888888888888P~~_~ `8B_| | ~888888888~'8' d8. ~ _/ ~Y8888P' ~\ | |~|~b,__ __--~ --~~\ ,d8888888b.\`\_/ __/~ \_ d88888888888b\_-~8888888bn. \8888P "Y888888888888"888888bn. /~'\_"__) "d88888888P,-~~-~888 / / ) ~\ ,888888/~' / / / 8' ( / / / |) ) / '"88(/ ~ / / | ( /_/ /~ \( _/ / (_(_ ( /~~\/ , O,/~\___/_/' ~~~ | \_ ( )( \_| -- by Gordon M"uller __--~"mb ,g8888b. _/ 8888b(.8P"~'~---__ / ~~~| / ,/~~~~--, `\ ( ~\,_) (/ ~-_`\ \ -__---~._ \ ~\\ ( )\\ )) `\ ) "-_ `| \__ __/ ~-__ __--~ ~~"~ ~~~ L O V E Early in the 20th century, two young medical school graduates and their father started a small sanitarium for mental patients on a farm outside Topeka, Kansas. This was a time with the "rest cure" was in vogue in psychiatry, and patients were sent to impersonal institutions to live out their lives. This father and his sons had a different idea. They were determined to create a loving, family atmosphere among their patients and staff. The nurses were given special training and were told "Let each person know how much you value them. Shower these people with love." The doctors were Karl and William Menninger, and the Minninger Clinic, with such "revolutionary" methods, became world famous and has helped countless numbers of people. Karl Menninger said, "Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it . This intangible thing love ... enters into every therapeutic relationship. It is an element which finds and heals, which comforts and restores, which works what we have to call for now, miracles." To subscribe send an e-mail to: Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ===================================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: Girls don't think boys' games are too hard, they think they are stupid. -- Andy Grove, CEO of Intel Every game ever invented by mankind, is a way of making things hard for the fun of it! -- John Anthony Ciardi The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. -- Lewis Grizzard I do not like football, which I think of as a game in which two tractors approach each other from opposite directions and collide. Besides, I have contempt for a game in which players have to wear so much equipment. Men play basketball in their underwear, which seems just right to me. -- Anna Quindlen Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. -- George F. Will -<>- Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell. AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle. IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day. AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet. AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat. IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family. IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...........they are called managers. Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check email! ======================================================================= >-->From AdyChaps: ** The Ditch Diggers ** Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" asked the man. The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit his hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. Then the boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand." ++++++++++++++++++++++ ** A Ticket With A Purpose ** Jasper was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him. "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Jasper as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** One Liners From Aiken ** * "Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200" * "The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade. * A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. * How can you "draw a blank"? * It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. * Life - it's nothing like the Brochure! * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. * Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that). * Refuse Novocain... Transcend Dental Medication. * The early bird still has to eat worms. * The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. * All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. * I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying HIM? -- Jerry Seinfeld +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Tooth fairy ** A woman was playing tooth fairy when her daughter suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in her mother's hand, she cried out, "I caught you!" Her mother froze and tried to think of an explanation for why she, and not the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let mama off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!" +++++++++++++++++++++ ** IDIOTS IN SERVICE ** This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" =================== I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?) ==================== At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to down-sizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. ==================== I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. =================== +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ >The 12 Step List For Forwarders aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, 8 8"b, "Ya 8 8 "b, "Ya 8 aaaaaaa8, "b, "Ya 8 8"b, "Ya "8""""""8 8 8 "b, "Ya 8 5 8 8 aaaaaaa8, "b, "Ya8 8 8 8"b, "Ya "8""""""" 8 8 8 "b, "Ya 8 8 8 aaaaaa88, "b, "Ya8 4 8 8 8"b, "Ya "8""""""" 8 8 8 "b, "Ya 8 8 8aaaaaa8, "b, "Ya8 3 8 8"b, "Ya "8""""""" 8 8 "b, "Ya 8 8 8, "b, "Ya8 2 8 "Ya "8""""""" 8 "Ya 8 1 8 "Ya8 Normand Veilleux 8 """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email! I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people! I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --NEVER!! There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people! There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!! The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on! Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out! ======================================================================= >-->From PetWarmers: |\ \`-. _.._| \ |_,' __`. \ (.\ _/.| _ | ,' __ \ | ,' __/||\ | (Y8P ,/|||||/ | `-'_---- / /`-._.-'/ `-.__.-' jg A REAL "PAL" His name was Pal and he was our dear friend and protector for fifteen years. Although this took place about 70 years ago, I have never forgotten him. Where we grew up, some people raised dogs for pit fighting, a cruel sport attended by morons. Of course it was illegal, and the police tried their best to eliminate it and when they heard of a scheduled fight, they'd raid it. When the dog owners heard about an impending raid, it was their practice to go out into the woods and let the dogs loose. Later, they would round them up again. However, once in awhile a dog would escape. My father was a mail carrier in this rural area. One day, a medium sized black and white pit bull started to follow him around his route. The dog was curious and seemed to want human company, but despite my father's coaxing, he would come near but not close enough to touch. My father began carrying scraps of food to give to this dog, which he did for several weeks. Still the dog never came any closer. He just followed at a distance and then without warning he would disappear around a corner or back into the woods. Soon after, my father saw the dog get hit by a car. Despite my father wanting to help, the dog ran away into the woods. That night at dinner, my father announced that if at all possible, and if the dog was still alive, he was going to catch that dog and bring him home. The next day when the mail truck came to pick my father up, the dog was still walking with him. With some hamburger meat, he and the driver managed to entice the dog into the truck. Back at the post office, my mother waited with the car and the rest of the hamburger which was enough to get the skittish dog in. And so Pal came into our lives. When our cat had kittens, Pal was enthralled. He would carefully pick up a kitten and carry it off, then lay with it between his paws while it slept or he washed it. To our surprise, mother cat trusted him enough to allow this. After awhile, he just as carefully returned the kitten to the basket. In winter we used to slide down a hill on our sleds. Whenever it snowed we'd try to leave Pal in the house, but he always managed to get out and would come flying down to where my sister and I were sliding. We'd rush to push off our sled before he got to us, which was his cue to chase us and tug us off our sled. Without us steering, the sled would continue to the bottom of the hill which meant trudging down in the snow after it. Taking Pal home did no good because he would raise such a ruckus with his excited barking, and rushing window to window, that someone would let him out and his fun (not ours) would start again. As I grew older and began dating, I could count on Pal to be a great judge of character. If he didn't take to a guy, it always turned out that Pal was right -- the guy was a jerk. When he was about 18 years old, he was so feeble he could not go up or down the stairs to the yard. My parents were going on vacation and my father asked that if the dog was no better, would I take him to the doctor's and have him put to sleep. Pal got so bad he couldn't walk at all, and I had to carry him up and down the stairs. I knew how much my father loved that dog, so to save my father the painful task, I forced myself to do it. Even now my eyes fill with tears. I cried all the way there and back. When my father returned we exchanged a wordless look. That was the only time I ever saw my very stoic father cry. Pal was a dog who came from a bad beginning, a dog who'd been needlessly mistreated and abused. If he hadn't escaped, he wouldn't have lasted long in that life. But once in a good home -- our home -- he became the most wonderful friend and companion and brought our whole family many, many years of joy and love. -- Ruth Harding ____________________________________________ Ruth Harding is retired and spends her time volunteering, working with kids, reminiscing with friends, traveling and having as much fun as she can. ========================================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit: [AOL and Others may have to copy and paste these links] >From Our Friend Becky :) Baby Laugh (VIDEO) http://www.1funny.com/babylaugh.shtml Actual Answers On Driver's Exams http://www.1funny.com/1driverstest.shtml Scared Kitty http://www.1funny.com/scardedkitty.shtml Country Club Genie http://www.1funny.com/cclubgenie.shtml Just Divorced http://www.1funny.com/justdivorced.shtml -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Little Bit Of Heaven http://www.epicureansdelight.stocktonet.com/a_little_bit_of_heaven.htm DADDY"S DAY http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/DaddysDay.html Help - Emergency Numbers http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/help.html Weeping Willow http://homepages.ius.edu/EREA/ Group Recipes http://www.grouprecipes.com/ Live In A Virtual City http://www.citypixel.com:80/ Child Safety Seats http://www.seatcheck.net To subscribe send a blank email to lynnlynns-links-subscribe@egroups.com ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth." --Conan O'Brien "The music industry is stumped by the huge drop in sales of rap music. Sales of rap music down 21 percent this past year. A lot of rappers have had to cut back on their lifestyle. A lot of rappers getting rid of the gold teeth. They're going with aluminum siding...it's cheaper." -Jay Leno "The movie '300' comes out Friday. The ancient Greek stories are strange. The story of Odysseus is basically the story of a long, hellish commute; and along the way, a sorceress turns Odysseus' friends into pigs... which is not really magic if you've ever been to a high school reunion." -Craig Ferguson "Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno "I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out." --Julian Clary "Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes we want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon." --Tim Allen I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk. "No," replied. "It'll kill 'em." "Interns scare me. They're too young. How can you have con- fidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his sleeves?" --Joan Rivers "When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz "I would rather live my life as if there is a God And die to find out there isn't, Than live my life as if there isn't And die to find out there is." ~~~~Found on – ChemoAngelsForJesus ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. 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We've got NCAA, NFL, MLB, and NBA, Disney, Name a star, Movies, and KinKade. Jewelry, furs, leather, and lighting, Music, instruments, and magazines at best pricing. >Take a gander at Shangrala's Yellow Page :) http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/yellow.html Get It Here ***********************************************************************