The Economy, Redneck Computer User And More... :) Shangy!
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-<>-
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
Today's hot new page is from our friend Linda. It's a fun page
with little known trivia to help wipe the cobwebs from the far
corners of your brain and get those cells working. It's also
a most interesting one that will give you many sparks for that
'learn something new every day' saying. Be sure to check this
one out and find out how many you already know...
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Name These Animal Groups!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animalgroups.html
---
...Wow! Fun and Amazing! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
_
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(__/ \__) b'ger
John goes to the deli for some soup. After he's seated and about
to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, "Taste this soup."
The waiter says, "Why what's wrong with the soup?"
John says, "Taste this soup."
The waiter says, "John, you've come in here for thirty years
and you always get the soup, you've never complained before."
John says, "Taste this soup."
The waiter says, "What? What is it? If you don't want the
chicken soup we have other kinds - vegetable, Italian
Ministrone?"
John says, "Taste this soup!"
The waiter finally agrees, "Fine John, fine! I'll taste the soup".
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates
and says, "Where's your spoon?"
"Exactly," says John, "Where's my bloody spoon?"
-<>-
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow
beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two
remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor
is four and the lawyer is six..."
-<>-
A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a
dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he
told her, she launched into a tirade about prices these days,
covering just about everything from housing to auto tires.
After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enough
and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and
obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?"
-<>-
Botanist Roy Noble had always dreamed of ending world hunger.
After years of research, his hard work paid off. He developed a
strain of peas that would grow virtually anywhere. It grew fast,
kept long without spoiling, and was more nutritious than even
soybeans. He was an instant hero, world wide.
There were awards and parades, and naturally the new strain of
peas was named Noble. After enjoying the fame and fortune for
a while, Roy decided he wanted to do more, so he established a
fund to award a monetary prize each year to botanists and
horticulturists who were making significant contributions to
their fields.
Thus was born the famous Noble Peas Prize.
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
May 18 is International Museum Day, No Dirty Dishes Day, Victoria
Day(Canada) and Visit Your Relatives Day
May 19 is Boy's Club Day and World Plant a Vegetable Garden Day
May 20 is Be a Millionaire Day and Pick Strawberries Day
May 21 is National Memo Day and National Waiters and Waitresses Day
May 22 is Buy a Musical Instrument Day, Don't Fry Friday and World
Goth Day
May 23 is International Jazz Day and Lucky Penny Day
May 24 is National Escargot Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
_
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>Lost Dog
The front door was accidentally left open and our
dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and
calling, my husband got in the car and went looking
for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with
no luck. Finally he stopped beside a couple out for
a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
-<>-
>Nutrition
My five-year-old daughter and three-year-old son
sat down to supper. To encourage them, I said
they had to eat well for proper nutrition.
"What's nutrition?" she wanted to know.
"It helps us grow,"¯ I explained. "Our bones, our
ears to hear, our nose to smell and, most important,
our eyes to see."
"Like in the back of my head when I'm a mom?" she
asked innocently.
-<>-
>I'm on the Eraser Diet
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor's office,
I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
"Why don't you just take off that last four?" I
joked to the nurse's aide as she made a notation
on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped
through the chart.
"I see you've lost weight," he said. "You're down
to... 14 pounds???"
-<>-
>Pregnancy Ultrasound
When my wife was pregnant, her high hormone
levels led the doctor to suspect she might be
carrying twins. During an ultrasound, she
nervously watched the technician.
"Well,"¯ she demanded anxiously, "is it twins?"
The technician replied, "I've found three so far."
"Oh, my goodness!"¯ my wife blurted. "Stop looking!"
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
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.-"".L,""-.
; :. :
( 7: )
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ctr "..-"-.."
>SMILES
A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car,
when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the
meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused
it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning
it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are
you talking to me?"
----------
"You poor dear," said one. "I hope you were left with something."
"Oh, yes," said the widow, "Two hundred thousand dollars."
"Imagine that. And he couldn't even read or write."
The widow nodded earnestly and added, "Or swim."
----------
The same guy had robbed the same bank three times in the last 30
days. The FBI agent in charge of preventing a fourth robbery asked
the nervous bank teller, "Have you noticed anything in particular
about the robber?"
"Yes," the teller replied. "I notice that each time he comes into
the bank he's much better dressed."
----------
Recently my 7-year-old son was baptized at nearby Lake Tahoe.
With tears streaming down my face, I watched as he came out of
the water, then excitedly asked if he felt any different.
"Yeah, Mom, I do," he replied. "Now I have water up my nose!"
----------
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a
fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired
model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and
settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got
to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the
melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
---------
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the
artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald
bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to
go crazy looking for the jewelry."
-------
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|SSt |
_\|_\|_\/(__\__)\__\//_|(_
>The economy is so bad:
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share
a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by
Somali pirates.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars,
jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I
called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan,
and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and
asked if I could drive a truck.
---
...LMAO! Oh MY! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
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Storm
>THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch
the electric fence for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.
11 .Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin'
it back.
12. AND FINALLY--After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull,
keep your mouth shut.
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
More Here: Will Rogers Quotes
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/willrogers.html
=========================================================
xx
/ .|_
/(_)_< --- cack cack!
/ (
((____.-' )
\\ /
\'-.-.-'`/ -Miss.Kitty-
_ \______/
(_) _|_\_
''''''''''''''''
>-->From HandyHints:
If the only thing you're doing with eggs is making omelets,
you're missing out. Sure, eggs are delicious and nutritious,
they contain several vitamins and minerals that are
essential parts of a healthful diet, including vitamin A,
vitamin B-12, and selenium for keeping your immune system
healthy, but eggs can also contribute to your outer health;
strengthening your hair and improving your skin. Let's find
out how!
* Yolks thicken hair
Used in a hair mask, egg yolk's biotin boosts growth and
strengthens strands to thwart shedding. Mix 1 yolk with
1 Tbs. of olive oil (its amino acids plump strands and
reduce breakage), then apply from the scalp to the ends
of damp hair. Rinse after 15 minutes.
* Whites de-puff eyes
Thanks to the high protein content, egg whites tighten
skin as they dry, reducing undereye swelling for up to
4 hours! Beat the white of 1 egg until foamy, then dap
onto undereye bags with a cotton ball. Let sit 15 minutes,
then rinse.
* Shells soften rough skin
The grittiness of a ground eggshell scrub sloughs off
dead, dry skin cells while its minerals repair any damage.
Grind 2 or 3 eggshells in a blender until pulverized,
then mix with 2 Tbs. of coconut oil. Rub onto damp skin
while showering. Rinse.
-<>-
The best way to extend the life of fresh-cut flowers is to
refrigerate them overnight. Cold slows their growth, so
they open more slowly. In fact, researchers tested how
common additives like aspirin and Sprite compared to
refrigeration, and they discovered that bouquets that were
popped in the fridge overnight stayed fresh four days longer.
* Feed and protect with a sugar solution
To make a nourishing potion that fortifies flowers and
fights bacteria at the same time, just combine 3 Tbs. of
sugar with 2 Tbs. of white vinegar in 1 qt of clean water.
This DIY food is the closest to the ingredients in
commercial flower preservatives which can extend the life
of bouquets by a week or more.
* Hydrate flowers by cutting them at an angle
Before putting bouquets in a vase, fill a bowl with water,
then recut the bottoms of the stems at an angle while
submerged. The angle helps maximize the surface area of
the stem letting it take in more water.
* Make garden blooms last by snipping in the morning
When it comes to harvesting hyacinths, peonies and other
showy blooms from your garden, timing is everything. Early
in the morning is when the stems and flowers are richest
in moisture and minerals, helping them stay healthy and
last much longer.
-<>-
>'Go Green' Hints:
* Gargling with tea cuts viral infection risk by 87 percent!
To ward off spring viruses that can dash your spirits and
leave you sidelined, gargle with a cup of cooled green or
black tea for 30 seconds once a day. Researchers reporting
in the journal BMC Public Health found that doing so cuts
your risk of falling ill by a whopping 87 percent. Credit
goes to unique antiviral compounds in tea that quickly kill
off infectious germs.
* Harvest rainwater
Adding a rain barrel is an inexpensive and effortless way
to capture mineral and chlorine free water for watering
lawns, yards, and gardens, as well as washing cars or
rinsing windows. By harnessing what's literally raining
from the sky, you'll not only notice a marked dip in water
costs, but also a reduction in stormwater runoff, which in
turn helps prevent erosion and flooding. Pop a screen on
top of your barrel to keep out insects, debris, and bird
missiles, and make frequent use of your water supply to
keep it moving and aerated.
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
CDC Coronavirus
https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/index.html
New VA Home Loan Resources, Free Virtual Service Remembrance
Plaque, Increased Urgent Care Access
https://tinyurl.com/ycm5jkms
Watters World - the Boiling Point!
https://www.bitchute.com/video/sxwtcIkw2Or6/
No, ObamaGate is Not a ‘Conspiracy Theory’ -New York Post
https://tinyurl.com/ya669g6b
Here is everything you need to know about ‘unmasking’ and Michael
Flynn, all in one place
https://tinyurl.com/ybzdhxfm
Nancy Pelosi’s $3 Trillion Coronavirus ‘Relief’ Bill is Purely a
Political Stunt -New York Post
“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is happy to play rank politics with
the federal coronavirus response,” the New York Post editorial
board writes. Exhibit A is the absurd $3 trillion package she
unveiled, which is the first major emergency bill written by
one party with zero input from the other. “The bill is packed
with junk that has nothing to do with the pandemic.”
https://tinyurl.com/yccnzgrk
Ivanka Trump helps local farmers, launches new food distribution
program
https://tinyurl.com/y8h2gwlx
Trump Unveils Official Space Force Flag -The Hill
“The Trump administration on Friday unveiled the official flag
to be used by the Space Force, the newest branch of the military,”
Brett Samuels reports. “The flag is dark blue with a delta wing,
an elliptical orbit and three large stars . . . It is the first
new military flag to be unveiled in 72 years.”
https://tinyurl.com/yabwymg4
After Atheists Attack, This Non-Religious Volunteer Stood Up
for Samaritan’s Purse NYC Field Hospital
https://tinyurl.com/y8ntvssd
Westwing News: Team Obama’s Unmasking Dodge
https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/
WhiteHouseNews: Nancy Pelosi’s left-wing wish list
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert: Ice Cream, Chocolate, CBD Oil
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
We should have seen this one coming. With everybody not
just encouraged, but in many places REQUIRED to wear a
mask when walking into any public business, it should be
no surprise that some entrepreneurial individuals would
take advantage of the situation, but in some areas the
spike in armed robberies has been dramatic... even for
America.
Police in Santa Ana, CA have reported that robberies in
the city have increased by 50 percent since the lockdown.
Just last week a masked man walked into a gas station at
2 in the morning and pointing a gun right at the clerk,
while his accomplice, also wearing a mask, grabbed the
cash.
The owner said he has never seen anything like it the 17
years he's run his Santa Ana gas station and convenience
store. He said local face covering requirements put his
staff in danger.
In a similar robbery last month, a thief hid his face
with a bandana at a doughnut shop on Bristol. The cashier
was caught off guard when the thief pulled out a gun and
placed it on the counter. The thief then emptied both
registers before getting away.
Police said they were not exactly sure why there has been
such an increase in robberies, but said it could be
related to the number of inmates released from area jails
due to the pandemic.
-<>-
Being in the open air is the best way to reduce your risk
of infection by the COVID. That and maintaining a distance
of 6 feet from other people. And these are two conditions
you will not find in the fetid interior of any strip club.
But strippers are people too, just like their compulsive,
voyeuristic patrons. So how do you satisfy a stripper's
right to work and a customer's right to ogle during a
national shutdown?
At Minx Gentlemens Club in Virginia Beach, customers can
social distance by staying in their cars to watch scantily-
clad performers dance on poles.
In video of the drive-thru strip club dancers in bikinis
could be seen vying for the attention of customers driving
slowly through the makeshift outdoor space.
Some dancers were showered in bills thrown through car
windows, others grabbed their tips from customers by using
a trash picker to reach into vehicles. On a recent Friday
night cars were lining up to see dancers clad in thongs,
pasties and other revealing outfits.
Minx is not the first strip club to pivot to a drive-thru
model during the coronavirus pandemic, which has forced
businesses across the country to close. Little Darlings in
Las Vegas is also offering drive-up nude strip teases.
*--- World's shortest living man ---*
Edward Nino Hernandez, of Colombia, is the world's shortest
man living, Guinness World Records said. The world record
title was awarded amid his birthday celebration as he turned
34 on Monday, Guinness World Records said in a statement.
Hernandez has achieved the title at 2 feet, 4.39 inches
tall. Hernandez grew up reaching the regular milestones,
but realized at age 4, his friends were growing taller than
him. His parents sought medical advice at the time, but the
reason his growth was stunted wasn't discovered until about
20 years later when he was diagnosed with severe
hypothyroidism. The diagnosis hasn't stopped Hernandez from
having a positive attitude and enjoying life. He can some-
times be seen dancing in the streets to Reggaeton, Merengue
and Vallenato music. "I use my smile to conquer the world!
I always share my big smile with everyone; that's my charm,"
Hernandez said.
*--- Police use mating call to capture peacock ---*
A Boston police officer used a mating call on his cell
phone to lure a peacock escaped from the Franklin Park Zoo
into custody. Officers on patrol in the area of Franklin
Park Zoo received a tip from a concerned citizen that an
animal had escaped the zoo, a Boston Police Department
statement shows. "Additional officers arrived at the scene
and were met by an extremely large, slightly intimidating
and quite beautiful, male peacock," the statement said.
"An officer on scene relied on his quick wit to track down
a peacock mating call on his cell phone, successfully
luring the bird into a fenced yard where he waited patiently
for the arrival of Boston Animal Control."
*--- That's some bull... ---*
A bull attempting to alleviate an "itchy bum" using a
utility pole ended up knocking out the electricity for
more than 700 homes in a Scottish town. Hazel Laughton
posted an apology to a local Facebook group after her
4-year-old bull, Ron, rubbed up against a utility pole
and ended up knocking the transformer box to the ground.
"Our bull Ron would like to apologize to everyone in
Chapelton and Strathaven for causing last nights power
cut to over 700 homes," Laughton wrote. "He had [an]
itchy bum so [he] scratched it on the electricity pole
and knocked the transformer box off." She said Ron is
"happy to be alive" after managing to avoid an 11,000
volt shock from the fallen transformer box. Laughton,
who runs East Shawtonhill Farm with her husband, said
the local utility company restored power a few hours
later.
*--- Can you even lasso a tiger? ---*
A surprised witness on a street in Mexico captured video
of the surreal moment a loose tiger was lassoed by a man
wearing a cowboy hat. Footage filmed from the safely of
a passing vehicle in a suburb of Guadalajara, Jalisco,
shows the tiger walking loose down a sidewalk while three
men chase the large animal. One of the men, wearing a
cowboy hat, manages to lasso the tiger, which then pulls
the man out of the video's frame. Authorities confirmed
they received witness reports about the loose tiger and
its pursuers, but the big cat and the men were gone from
the area by the time they arrived. Reports indicated the
tiger may have escaped from a private residence in the
area, but authorities have not identified the animal's
owner or any of the men seen in the video.
---
...Awesome! I found the amazing video for you!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gRuIuRfIkQ
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
_.--._ _.--._
,-=.-":;:;:;\':;:;:;"-._
\\\:;:;:;:;:;\:;:;:;:;:;\
\\\:;:;:;:;:;\:;:;:;:;:;\
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\\\;;:;:_:--:\:_:--:_;:;\ -shimrod
\\\_.-" : "-._\
\`_..--""--.;.--""--.._=>
"
Today, I learned that a "Thesaurus" is not a rare type of
dinosaur. That sounds made up, right? It has "saurus" on
the end. So maybe he should call a doctor!
A Thesaurus has to be a dinosaur. That's just plain old
science!
Groaningly yours,
Steve
-<>-
>Can We Have A Word?
Husband: Do you know that on an average women says
between 10,000 to 35,000 words a day?
Wife: Yes, that's because they have to repeat
everything often to men.
Husband: What?
-<>-
>Ran Into the Ex
Edward came home from a long business trip and fell
into the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She
came over to see what was bothering him, and he said,
"Well, I ran into Mary - you remember my ex-wife? -
and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me."
"Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then.
I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted."
-<>-
>Wanna Dance?
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask
a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave
him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a
child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman, "I didn't
realize you were pregnant."
-<>-
| (_) |
_.-|_____|
,' `
/ \
/ |
/ ;
_,' /
(_ /
'-._ /
'-._ (|
\\`-._)
\\ |
(_) |
____ |
/ ___\ |
,--.; /d\q )|
::._ \;\`- / |
::( `.\ `-' |
:::`. `.`-._,|
::: `. `-._,|;
;::: : `-._|__;
;::::: : |
::::::: : |
::::::: : |
:::::::.: \
::::::::: ,--.`._
| |_|__( __) \
jrei |_..__)_)`.____.'
>Back Problems
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
-<>-
>Q and A Quickies
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Take a cod, any cod.
Q: Why don't you ever see chickens in the zoo?
A: Because they can't afford the admission.
Q: Do you know how to make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take away their chairs.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned.
Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
A: Because it was too heavy to carry.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
|..| ? ?
c >| ?
\'/
/><\
unknown
Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea.
E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. and Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
-<>-
A man just returned from traveling around the USA for a
year. He had a lot of stories to tell. Here is one of
them.
It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask
directions. The man he asked replied "Just drive down
this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop
n Go."
He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down
he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied,
"Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right
at the Stop n Go"
He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got
back to where he had started he stopped again. When he
asked for directions the answer was exactly the same. This
time Jim asked, "Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?"
The man gave him a funny look and said "It's on a pole.
It's got a red light on the top, a Green light on the
bottom..."
-<>-
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and
the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good
health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out
golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's
got to be more to it. How old was your father when he
died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
father is still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he
golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive,
he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's
more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when
he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said,
"I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning
because he got married last night."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a
118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"
-<>-
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's
world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was
working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a
year-long research project in India.
One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is
it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get
so far away from you?"
-<>-
.-..-.
(-o/\o-)
/`""``""`\
\ /.__.\ /
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|'.\::::/.'|
_| ';::;' |_
(::) || (::) _.
"| || |" _(:)
'. || .' /::\
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/::::\ /:::\
\::::/ _\:::/
/::::\_.._ _.._ _.._ _.._/::::\
\::::/::::\/::::\/::::\/::::\::::/
jgs `""`\::::/\::::/\::::/\::::/`""`
`""` `""` `""` `""`
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures
of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase
is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still
on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in
public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case
of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still
think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting
harder and harder for me to find one now.
---
...He must have seen our new page this month...
Winston Churchill Quotes!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/churchillquotes.html
=========================================================
>-->From JokeCentral:
___ "humph"
__|___|__ \ ___
( oo ((___)
________ _\ ~-~_ ___________ (_( --
| / \/|\/ \ /| _\ -/_
| / / \ \ || | \\// |
| ______\ \_____/ /________ || |(_""_)|
|/ \_\ /_/ / || ||____||
/ \_) (_/ /__|| ||//\\||
/________________________/__/ | (///\\\)
|||_______|__||__|______||__|/ ////\\\\
|| <___||___> || | |\ \
jro|| || |_| \_\
/\_> /\_>
>BLOOPERS:
Sign above a dryer in a coin laundry:
“When the light goes on, please remove all your clothes”
(Frank Stewart)
The sun is a natural source of ultraviolent rays.
(Richard Lederer)
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
(Rodney & Cathy)
Headline: Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(Randall Woodman
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double
door at the side entrance. (Rodney & Cathy)
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it
can hold. (Richard Lederer)
Headline: Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
(Randall Woodman)
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir. (Rodney & Cathy)
Ushers will eat latecomers. (Rodney & Cathy)
Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help (Funnybone)
Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
-<>-
_,..._
/__ \
>< `. \
/_ \ |
\-_ /:|
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, ,',, _| _,.'| | |
\\||/,'(,' '--'' | | |
_ ||| | /-' |
| | (- -)<`._ | / /
| | \_\O/_/`-.(<< |____/ /
| | / \ / -'| `--.'|
| | \___/ / /
| | H H / | |
|_|_..-H-H--.._ / ,| |
|-.._"_"__..-| | _-/ | |
| | | | \_ |
| | | | | |
| | |____| | |
| | _..' | |____|
jrei | |_(____..._' _.' |
`-..______..-'"" (___..--'
>Meet Me For Lunch
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the
teacher asked,"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23
degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude . . .?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered,
"I guess you'd be eating alone."
-<>-
>Picking Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan
tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up
a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
sight.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down
toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure
enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's
Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk."
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the
truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get
a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one
last one for you.
That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence,
and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes
before the boy.....
-<>-
_,-""`""-~`)
(`~ \
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; o ; ___ _,,,,_ _.-~'.
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jgs \ _.-'`-.
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>The Bear Family
Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear
had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what
he thought about living with either of his parents.
When he asked baby bear about living with his father,
baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he
beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your
mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than
Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite
know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone,
so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?"
asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives
in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?"
asked the judge.
"Definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't
beat anybody."
-<>-
>What's the Difference?
What's the difference between a train and a school teacher?
One says,"Choo-choo", and the other says, "Spit out the Gum!"
-<>-
>George
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of
his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said,
"George, everything looks great physically. How are you
doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light
goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when
I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's
great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship
with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!
the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes
off?"
George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!".
-<>-
\(,%%*%,_ -%*%%,)/
%%/*( /) /) )*\%%
%% )\| (/ (/ |/( %%
_/ #) __/') ('\__ (# \_
.) ,/ _/ / \ \_ \, (.
/)#(_,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,\,((,,,,,,,)),/,_)#(\
b'ger
>Two Rabbits
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The
wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few
minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a
few days and out number them?"
-<>-
SCROLLING SCROLLING SCROLLIIIING....!
/
___,
__)___)__
,= \\\
, \D_/ \_
__/). \/ =\
/6) \ ___/_\_/\
/ __/ \ /_/-\o____)
/ ,_/| \ \/ /___|_
\_)o_ \ _.-' M):_/_:) ___
'---`' \>__/ /o /----.,/_ \
( / /o / \) \
____/ (' \,/ ( /
__b'ger_____/_______/______)___>__,_______/\_(____
~~ ~ ~~
~~
>Redneck Computer User
Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A
Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been
working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
>In Honor Of Canada Day and International Museum Day...
Only In Canada!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/onlyincanada.html
Montreal Aura Basilica!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/montrealaura.html
Montreal Gardens!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/montreal.htmlv
Montreal Mosaicultures Show!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/montrealshow.html
Creation Museum!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/creationmuseum.html
Metropolitan Museum Of Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/metmuseumart.html
Egyptian Museum In Cairo!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/egyptianmuseum.html
Wieliczka Salt Mine!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/saltmine.html
Sunken Treasure In A Field!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/steamboat.html
World's Most Expensive Paintings!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/expensivepaintings.html
Old 1917 Blackboards!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/blackboards.html
World's Most Expensive Things!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/expensive.html
-<>-
How often should you eat canned tuna?
https://tinyurl.com/y7hsvx67
FUNNY CATS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHY-yCuxykk
FUNNY ANIMALS - RACCOONS + SQUIRRELS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IODoAbgaV5U
Kind and touching actions - People Saving animals
(you'll be rooting for these animals!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuqBlfRmvbM
Reminds me of these...
Whale Rescue 2
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whalerescue2.html
Eagle Rescue
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eaglerescue.html
Rescued Raccoon
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rescuedraccoon.html
Goose Calls For Cops
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mothergoose.html
Koalas In A Heatwave
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/koalas.html
Elephant Rescue 4
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elephant4.html
Bear Rescue 4
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bearrescue3.html
Fawn Rescue
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fawnrescue.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
All About China holds the patent for coronavirus treatment remdesivir
https://tinyurl.com/ybln6a5k
Norberto Jansenson 'Azulejos' illusion makes tiles appear and
disappear before your eyes. How does he do it?
https://youtu.be/9O9HfafzBPE
---
...Wowsers! Thanks LouiseAu!
Really cute and adorable animals of all kinds - owls, bears, dogs,
cats, porcupines, rabbits, lemurs, turtles, chipmunks, koalas,
ferrets and many more.
https://youtu.be/w0BNVGE7Tvs
This video from Edgar's Mission Farm Sanctuary in Australia just
might be The Happiest Video Ever!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIF3BYBXZWA
---
...So Sweet! Thanks LouiseAu!
Sir Nicholas Winton: the man who saved 669 children from the
Nazis | Channel 4 News
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxkCeVtwHl8
WWII hero honored for saving children from Nazis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxuRarH5nPU
Children Saved from the Nazis : The Story of Sir Nicholas Winton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nT0yPjj0UqQ
---
...So heartwarming! Thank You LouiseAu!
Who will save our children from socialism now? -LouiseAu
I think God wanted us to see how bad socialism can be so He
allowed the devil and the Democrats to play havoc with our
capitalist countries around the world.
Here in the US, many are suffering from this 'depend on
government' time right now! Millions are out of work and many
haven't received a cent from the 'care act' from the government.
They are still waiting for their unemployment to kick in
without a clue as to when or if they will be able to pay their
bills next month or even have a way to do so in the next several
months!
I think many of us were praying for less work and more time
to do as we wanted at home with our loved ones. The good life.
We've learned that socialism isn't the answer to happiness. The
good life wasn't to be amid shortages, unpaid bills, and little
or no regular medical care or eye care or dental care or child
vaccinations or veterinarian pet care - unless it is an emergency.
Not to mention loss of loved ones from the virus and loss of
being able to be with our loved ones outside of our own home
including those in nursing homes or those dying. We weren't even
allowed to attend funerals or go to our regular church services!
No, socialism with all it's Government controlling our lives
doesn't give us free stuff - it only gives us pure hell.
We got a taste of free stuff from the government, not working
and being locked down in our homes. Now we are all praying for
a return to our normal lives and our God given freedoms!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Cloie :)
Just click on the year & listen to your favorite English songs
from 1951 to 2015.
http://thenostalgiamachine.com/
---
...Love This! Great! Thanks Cloie!
-<>-
>From our Friend Linda :)
CLICK ON THE PAINTING UNTIL YOU ENTER THE VERY EYEBALLS . . .
https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-52657164#
---
...Fascinating read! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"Starting this week, every fast food chain in America has
to post calorie counts on their menus. You can tell people
are confused, because today they read the menu like, 'I'll
have the Whopper 3,000!'" -Jimmy Fallon
"A new poll has found that a majority of Americans say that
driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly.
Specifically, if they don't cross the street fast enough."
-Seth Meyers
"A Colorado woman was tracked down by police after blowing
up a microwave at 7-Eleven. Now, that's not the crazy
part - she did it while trying to heat a cup of urine. I
sympathize with this woman, I know how it can be in the
morning. I mean, don't even talk to me until I've had my
first cup of urine." -James Corden
"A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after
she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample,
and it exploded. The 7-Eleven owner was like, 'Lady, if
you wanted hot urine, you could've just poured yourself
a coffee.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"A New Hampshire man who went hiking and was reported
missing by his wife now owes the government thousands of
dollars for the search effort, because when they found
him, he had been staying in a luxury hotel. He has to pay
thousands of dollars - and that's just for eating the
macadamia nuts from the mini-bar." -James Corden
"Einstein Bros. Bagels shop is now serving mac and cheese
bagels. So if you love bagels, and you love mac and cheese,
I hope you have a great personality." -Seth Meyers
"Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It's the one
day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no
one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, 'There's
no one OF WHOM you're prouder.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Facebook is adding a new feature that will allow people
to use Facebook as an online dating app. I'm not sure
Facebook understands why we use Facebook. Facebook isn't
for finding dates; it's for finding people we used to
date. Then we silently judge them, feel better about
ourselves. That's the only use for Facebook." -James Corden
"In a new interview, billionaire Warren Buffett called
Bitcoin 'rat poison.' Which is an unfair comparison
because people actually understand how rat poison works."
-Conan O'Brien
"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One
was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer
telling you: Turn back to Channel One."
- Yakov Smirnoff.
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $20 will get your a message (of up to 40
words) out to all self-subscribed readers and $5 more will give you
the same message also put up for all web site readers.
Email me to secure dates.
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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