The Lone Ranger And More... :) Shangy!
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================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here...
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!!
AND For Facebook Users:
Please Friend Me / Like Me here...
http://tinyurl.com/cma6all
AND For Google Plus Users:
You can find me here... Shangy Bigham
https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts
AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family!
^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :)
-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
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*~* Our Hearts And Prayers Go Out To Those affected by the
horrible sniper shootings our nation endured at the hands
of a coward on July 7. May God Bless and help them all in
the name of Jesus Christ.
Trump and CNN take
http://tinyurl.com/gplqym4
...Today, We have smiles to help with our sadness...
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This super hot sizzling new page is from our friend Linda.
It is sure to amuse and give you pause to think. Check
it out along with its video here...
Goose Calls The Cops!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mothergoose.html
---
...TeeHee! such a cute one! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone:
Mom's Survival Tips
_._
1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. .' '. |
They make up for the things you got away / //\\\ \ |
with that nobody knows about. ( ( -\- ) ) |
'-\_=_/-' //
2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately .-'\ /'-. (|/
flushes the toilet when you're taking a / '-' \ / /
shower. | \__ __/_/\/ /|
| |\ / \ /
3. When someone tells you that what he's \ \ \ '-'
about to say is "for your own good," `\/\ ;
expect the worst. |/|\ |
| |
4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder | |
of how much fun it is to be idiotic. | |
|_______|
5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the | | |
taste but don't swallow it whole. \ | /
jgs /=|=\
6. When a politician says, "let me make (_/T\_)
something perfectly clear," remember that
he usually won't.
7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your
attic and basement forever.
8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it
into words," he doesn't know what he means.
9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room
at the same time.
10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can't
pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your
own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
Determination
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After
hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his
front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly
climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle
tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch
watched his sad efforts.
.-""""-, Finally, the female bird turned to
/ \____/ \_.99 her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think
(_/__/____\_(____) it's time to tell him he's adopted."
jgs //_// \\_\
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
July 11 is Cheer up the Lonely Day
July 12 is Different Colored Eyes Day and Pecan Pie Day
July 13 is Barbershop Music Appreciation Day and Fool's Paradise Day
July 14 Bastille Day, Pandemonium Day and National Nude Day
July 15 is Tapioca Pudding Day and Cow Appreciation Day
July 16 is Fresh Spinach Day and National Ice Cream Day
July 17 is Yellow Pig Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
()
()
()
()
()
()
()__
( __
/ )
zzz \
%% zzz
%%% %%
%%%% %%%
%%%%% %%%%
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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%%ZzzzZ%%
%% = %%
%% ;7; %%
%% 88888 %%
%% 888 %%
ejm97 %% 8 %%
zzzz * zzzz
___\_ _\___
>Lawyers on a Jury
A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had
forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he
thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his
bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to
form a jury.
The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to
try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no
objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly
-- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing
arguments, both sides rested.
The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the
jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury
had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to
be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that
they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the
jury room, to see if they needed anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to
reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied,
"You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the
position of foreman."
-<>-
_*_ ....iiooiioo
__/_|_\__
[(o)_R_(o)] fe
>Police Car
Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 en route from
Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that were
abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 MPH speed limit. In the
middle of the group was a state police cruiser that everyone was
reluctant to pass.
After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his
roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he commanded.
"I am a Pennsylvania trooper."
-<>-
>Placemat Art
Having a family breakfast at a local restaurant, my very active
seven-year-old nephew was given a blank paper placemat and
crayons to keep him entertained.
He busily created pictures including all the family members. When
finished, he turned to me and said,"Look, Uncle Wayne, I made a
picture of you."
I looked at it and said,"Hey, that's great! You made me look so
tall and slim."
He replied, "Yeah, I know, but I was running out of paper."
-<>-
>Airline Weight
Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane
that departs from a small airport in New Jersey.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not
surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with
baggage and passengers."
Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
-<>-
>Vet Bills
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two
women chatting about their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady.
"But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet
Mignon."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)
/L'-,
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; ___,--. \MM( `-' )M//MM\ ` ,',.; .-'* ; .'
| \MMMMMM) \MM\ ,dM//MMM/ ___ < ,; `. )`--' /
| \MM()M MMM)__ /MM(/MP' ___, \ \ ` `. `. /__, ,'
| MMMM/ MMMMMM( /MMMMP'__, \ | / `. `-,_\ /
| MM /MMM---' `--'_ \ |-' |/ `./ .\----.___
| /MM' `--' __,- \"" |-' |_, `.__) . .F. )-.
| `--' \ \ |-' |_, _,-/ J . . . J-'-. `-.,
| __ \`. | | | \ / _ |. . . . \ `-. F
| ___ / \ | `| ' __ \ | /-' F . . . . \ '`
| \ \ \ / | __ / \ | |,-' __,- J . . . . . \
| | / |/ __,- \ ) \ / |_,- __,--' |. .__.----,'
| |/ ___ \ |'. |/ __,--' `.-;;;;;;;;;\
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<;;;;;;;; '-;;;;
>SMILES
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his
roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship
between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this
only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact
over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there
was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said,
"I can see your wheels turning Mom, and I know what you’re
thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly room-mates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the
beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to
dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have
taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just
to be sure," replied John.
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom, While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from
my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the
fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been
missing. Love, Your son."
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which
read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy,
and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains
that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were
sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
--------
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has
lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
--------
A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to
town. As he was going down the road three Hillbillies
were standing beside the road hitchhiking. The farmer
picked them up, one Hillbilly got in the front and
the other two Hillbillies got in the back. As they were
going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck.
The farmer couldn't stop the truck and they went into
the pond at the bottom.
The farmer and the Hillbilly that was up front come
up out of the water a minute later. They kept waiting
for the two in the back to come up. The farmer said,
"I wonder where they are?"
The Hillbilly said, "Maybe they drowned."
About five minutes later they come up gasping for
breath. The farmer asked, "What the Heck took you so
long?"
The two Hillbillies said, "We had a devil of a time
getting that tailgate open!"
-------
Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change
for a dollar.
He saw Private Duncan mopping the floors, and asked him, "Soldier,
do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "Sure, mate"
The Corporal gave him an icy stare. He said, "That's no way to
address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do
you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"
--------
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It
sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed.
"But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and
she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will
not ask for directions."
--------
The blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot,
and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
"Don't you have a phone in your car?" the shrink asks.
"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I
put a mailbox in my car."
Intrigued, the doc asks: "Uh...how's that working?"
"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
The psychiatrist follows up, "And why do you think that is?"
The blonde answers, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around,
my zip code keeps changing.
--------
A couple of blondes went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to
Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a
bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river.
Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.
Soon after, a car went past and the wood-plank roadway moved
beneath their feet.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one
blonde said to the other.
"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."
---
...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Fran :)
---_ ......._-_--.
(|\ / / /| \ \
/ / .' -=-' `.
/ / .' )
_/ / .' _.) /
/ o o _.-' / .'
\ _.-' / .'*|
\______.-'// .'.' \*|
\| \ | // .'.' _ |*|
` \|// .'.'_ _ _|*|
. .// .'.' | _ _ \*|
\`-|\_/ / \ _ _ \*\
`/'\__/ \ _ _ \*\
/^| \ _ _ \*
' ` \ _ _ \ ASH (+VK)
\_
A blonde wanted to sell her pet Python, so she listed it on
eBay. A guy rang up and asked if it was big.
She said, "It's massive!"
He asked, “How many feet?"
She answered, "None, Stupid...it's a snake"!
-------
Lyn belongs to our Diet Club and she was lamenting that she had
gained weight. She told us that she had made her family's
favorite luscious cake over the weekend, and added that they'd
eaten half of it at dinner that evening. The next day, Lyn
continued, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she
cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon
the whole cake had vanished. She went on to tell us how upset
she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband
would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone
asked what her husband said when he found out. Lyn smiled broadly
and quipped, 'He never found out. I made another cake and ate half
of that too.'
-------
>Church Bulletin Bloopers
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.
The low self esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m.
Please use the back door.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in
the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What
Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several
new members, and the deterioration of some older ones.
---
...LOL! Thanks Fran!
-<>-
(__
,_) \_,-/
/__ )__,
)/ _\_ /
/d \ \ \__
/ _.' / ( '
(,-,) | |_ |_,
,-.___|_ /_, /
) .__ ) \
\ \\`-..- \(`.
\( \_\ `._
\`-,'`. `-.
`' `-.__ \
`,' |-,._)
! ,') `-.
( ,-' ( ,-.)
\ \ \ _/ \_
\_ |\_ \`-'._ )
( ,'( / )/
__,','__/(
gnv /__(^ 7..1"
>Trivia
He was on a posse with 5 other Texas Rangers. They were tracking
the outlaws when they were ambushed and all were shot in a blind
canyon. All died but one, who would be known as "the Lone Ranger".
He was found by an Indian, named Tonto, who nursed him back to
health. The ranger feared that he would be identified by those
who shot him and that they would kill him, lest he arrest them for
their crimes. Which is why he wore a mask. He used silver bullets
because he inherited a silver mine, but let his uncle run it so he
could pursue law enforcement. His uncle sent him bullets smelted
from silver every year. and thus began the legend of the Lone
Ranger... Now you know it all.
---
...Sweet! Loved the series! Thanks Fran!
For More Trivia Info on the Lone Ranger:
http://tinyurl.com/hljyh44
...My two cents on this site's info:
This site doesn't seem to know about the silver mine Fran
mentioned and at the end, they make Tonto out to be
characterized as not very smart and subservient to The Lone
Ranger.
As a kid, I watched most all the episodes. My take on Tonto
was that he spoke broken English because he was an Indian
and English wasn't his first language. I thought he was very
intelligent. After all, I couldn't speak his Indian language!
The only reason I thought The Lone Ranger told him things to
do was because, as a team, Tonto understood The Lone Ranger
knew the white man ways better and he followed orders like
they were in law enforcement together with The Lone Ranger
being in the lead. After all, it was called The Lone Ranger -
not Tonto - so someone had to be in the lead role! DUH! LOL!
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Recent news from AFA:
http://www.afa.net/
Be sure to read the comments here too...
911 Call Before Alton Sterlings Death That BLM Doesn't Want Heard
http://conservativetribune.com/911-call-before-sterlings-death/
Crime expert releases SHOCKING new statistics about black men
killed by cops
http://tinyurl.com/j4s7wer
Cops Shoot and Kill UNARMED White Male... Where's the Outrage?
http://conservativetribune.com/spread-this-cops-shoot-and-kill/
---
...like all cop shootings - black or white or red or brown
or green or purple - they will investigate it and justice
will be done. We have to be patient and let our judicial
system work!
Unless it is corrupt government - then we need to get our
representatives on it to correct the problem!
SIGN PETITION TO CONGRESS:
Demand Congress Strip Hillary Clinton Of Security Clearance
http://tinyurl.com/gtgrogj
We don't riot in the streets, destroy property, injure and/or
kill our hard working innocent police officers and expect
reasonable law abiding citizens to side with us! That is the
definition of no brain insanity!
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
It wouldn't be July 5th (or 6th) without a bizarre fireworks
story. This one comes from Michigan where a man sadly died
after celebrating a bit too carelessly with explosives. But
this man didn't accidentally sit on an M-80 or look down the
launch tube of a 3-inch mortar. No. He made his own cannon.
Neighbors said 46-year-old Anthony Herman made the cannon
specifically to celebrate Independence Day. He had being
fired all day before the explosion.
"I kept hearing the cannon go off," one neighbor told the
local news station. "'Fire in the hole!' to alert everybody
because it shakes the windows, and I'm about five houses
down."
"They were just blowing the cannon off all through the day,"
added another neighbor, "and I don't know if he packed it
too full or something."
The explosion, which happened in front of several bystanders,
sent shrapnel flying more than 150 yards toward neighboring
homes, according to the report. A piece of metal struck
Herman in the chest.
"When you make homemade things like that, it's an accident
waiting to happen," a neighbor said.
No other injuries were reported.
-<>-
An inmate who escaped from prison, voluntarily surrendered
himself to police after grabbing a few drinks at a bar,
according to police in Arkansas.
Logan County police said that 45-year-old Shaun Higham, went
to Mitch's Tavern in Paris, before telling the owner that
he wants to go back to jail.
According to the police investigation, Higham picked the
lock of his cell and left the Logan County jail. The
following week, he showed up at the bar dressed in his
prison uniform, and he was covered with insect bites.
He was also dirty and smelly. After drinking at the bar,
Higham told the owner that he escaped from prison and wanted
to turn himself in.
The bar owner immediately called the police and Higham was
arrested. Higham was in prison on an aggravated robbery
charge.
*---------- At Least It Wasn't a Cannon ----------*
A 21-year-old Ohio man is recovering after a bullet from
celebratory gunfire grazed his skull and came dangerously
close to his brain. Amanda McGarran says she and her
boyfriend Mario Jovanovski were in Whitehall, OH for the
city's 4th of July fireworks when suddenly it was chaos.
Amanda says a swarm of people who were gathered there just
scattered. "Like a few hundred. They were just running like
down the middle of the park," she said. But just as things
calmed down, she says the fireworks started up and masked
the sound of a single gunshot fired in the air by someone
in the crowd. When the bullet came down it grazed the side
of Mario's head. "Right when the fireworks started he
grabbed his head and was like 'I've just been shot.'" she
said. Although he is expected to fully recover, his family
says they will never attend fireworks in Whitehall again.
No arrests have been made in the incident.
*-------- The Itchiest Dress In The World --------*
An English woman who became famous (more or less) for making
an entire dress out of 3,000 Skittles has just figured out
how to roll that fame into something much more disgusting.
The 28-year-old Sarah Louise Bryan has just finished a skirt
and bra outfit made entirely from human hair. Not her own,
which would be gross enough, no, she had to go to social
media to ask people to donate their hair. Why? Because the
hair she wanted to use was private hair. And thanks to the
completely shameless nature of the Internet she got more
than enough to finish her project. Sarah said she received
thousands of responses. Wearing gloves for protection, Sarah
was forced to wear a face and eye mask after she started
gagging while working on the dress. But the mother-of-two
has no plans so slow down in her creations, and wants to go
on and design even more disgusting outfits. "I love creating
wearable art from things no-one else would think of. I pride
myself in being the first in the world to create something
so unique. You can find pictures of her wearing the dress
online, if you feel like you can stomach it.
*--- 6-foot Man Stuffs Himself into Suitcase ---*
A nearly 6-foot tall man was caught on a surveillance camera
emerging from a suitcase at a train station in Switzerland.
Video shot by a Swiss border guard shows the man's hand
sticking out from the suitcase before officers arrive to
fully unzip the bag. The man was from Eritrea and had packed
himself into the suitcase to cross the border from Italy into
Switzerland. The man, who was one of about 3,400 migrants
attempting to enter Switzerland's Ticino region, was
ultimately sent back to Italy after being discovered inside
the suitcase by border guards.
*--- Shopper Left Bag of Cocaine at Checkout ---*
A Colorado police department is trying to find a shopper who
left a bag behind at a self-checkout scanner -- a bag of
cocaine. The Aspen Police Department said in a Facebook post
a shopper at "a local grocery store" noticed the person in
front of them had left the small baggie of cocaine on the
scanner in the self-checkout lane. "With the cost of white
powdery substances these days, probably somebody got home
and spent the next 15 minutes going through their pockets,
over and over," the post said. "Now we really try to take
care of lost and found property like it is our own, putting
a lot of effort into returning iPhones, wallets, passports,
etc. But, if this is your property, we're going to leave it
up to you to come and collect it."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
>The Story of Adam And Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome
here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with
you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept
you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he
wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection
of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG.'
__
/\/'-,
,--''''' /"
____,'. ) \___
'"""""------'"""`-----'
pb
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
"",_o\
! ( ( _)
`\ ,,,,_'),)=~
( )
, ,,,, ,
) ,) < (
< < ",\
",) "_)
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut
and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with
them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind
them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration.'
_
\`*-.
) _`-.
. : `. .
: _ ' \
; *` _. `*-._
`-.-' `-.
; ` `.
:. . \
. \ . : .-' .
' `+.; ; ' :
: ' | ; ;-.
; ' : :`-: _.`* ;
[bug] .*' / .*' ; .*`- +' `*'
`*-* `*-* `*-*'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
) _. mmeeoowwrr!
(___)''
/ ,_,/
/'"\ )\
itz
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into
Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme
beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
"",_o\
! ( ( _)
`\ ,,,,_'),)=~
( )
, ,,,, ,
) ,) < (
< < ",\
",) "_)
And Dog was happy.
And Cat . . .
/\____/\ __
.' """" `,-' `--.__
__,- : - - ; " :: `-. -.__
,-sssss `._ `' _,'" ,'~~~::`.sssss-.
|ssssss ,' ,_`--'_ __,' :: ` `.ssssss|
|sssssss `-._____~ `,,'_______,---_;; ssssss|
|ssssssssss `--'~{__ ____ ,'ssssss|
`-ssssssssssssssssss ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ssss.-'
`---.sssssssssssssssssssss.---' Susie Oviatt
didn't give a darn one way or the other.
-<>-
The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her
husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
-<>-
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep
coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that
she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about
her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The
babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman
thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s
name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says. The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not
such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”
Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor
replies, “DeNephew.”
-<>-
.---.
.--. ___/ \
/ `.-"" `-, ;
; / O O \ /
`. \ /-'
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(" / `. -=:
`: `, -=|
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fsc mmm! `mmM Mmm'
>The Perfect Diet!
Yesterday I was at Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet Owen, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had? An elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told
her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet
again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in
the hospital last time; but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke
up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices & IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was
going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a
fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
was laughing so hard.
Kroger won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to
say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...
It will be their laugh for the day!
---
...LOL! Thanks Geniann!
===========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
____
.-'& '-.
/ \
: o o ;
( (_ )
: ;
\ __ /
`-._____.-'
/`"""`\
/ , \
/|/\/\/\ _\
(_|/\/\/\\__)
|_______|
__)_ |_ (__
jgs (_____|_____)
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow,
asked his father, "Dad, when will I be old enough to do
as I please?"
The father answered immediately, "I don't know, son.
Nobody has lived that long yet."
-<>-
An English professor announced to the class; "There are
two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the
other is cool."
>From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So,
what are the words?"
-<>-
__.------.
(__ ___ )
.)e )\ /
/_.------
_/_ _/
__.' / ' `-.__
/ <.--' `\
/ \ \c |
/ / ) GoT x \
| /\ |c / \.- \
\__/ ) /( ( \ <>'\
/ _/ _\- `-. \/_|_ /<>
/ /--/,-\ _ \ <>.`.
\/`--\_._) - / `-/\ `.\
/ `. / ) `\
\ \ \___/----'
| / `(
___________ \ ./\_ _ \
______________ / | ) '|
__________________ | / \ \ ___________a:f
/ | |____.)
/ \ a88a\___/88888a.
\_ :)8888888888888888888a.
/` `-----' `Y88888888888888888
\____| `88888888888P'
Our armored car arrived earlier than usual, so my deposit
wasn't quite ready. As the young man waited patiently for
me to secure the bag, I said, "Sorry to hold you up."
"Delay, delay," he corrected me. "We don't use that other
phrase."
-<>-
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to
my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said
that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said, inconsolable. "Men are good for only one
thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"
-<>-
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But
the initials really have been changed to stand for "What
would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth
because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the
Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a
Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies
with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses'
followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the
Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't
like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St.
John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did
not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as
evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of
Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its
muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a
Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."
-<>-
A British friend of mine once found himself at a dinner
party sitting next to an attractive American woman. The
conversation turned to cricket, and the woman asked my
friend to explain the game.
He agreed and embarked on a lengthy explanation of the
mysteries of "silly mid-on," "fine-leg," "googly," "chinaman"
and the like.
At the end he sat back, exhausted. The woman looked at him,
shaking her head in wonderment, "That really is remarkable.
And to think they do it all on horseback."
-<>-
At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were
having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They
finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.
"I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral
one," said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby
and witnessed the mother-son interaction.
"No," said the boy. "This painting is wider, so it'll cover
the three holes I put in the wall."
-<>-
A therapist has a theory that the more often couples make
love, the happier they are. So he tests it at a seminar by
asking those assembled, "How many people here make love 2
to 3 times a week?" Half the people raise their hands, each
of them grinning widely. "How about once a week?" A third
of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit
less vibrant. "Once a month?" A few hands tepidly go up. Then
he asks, "OK, how about once a year?"
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his
hands. The therapist is shocked as this lone aberration
disproves his theory. "If you make love only once a year,"
he asks, "what are you so happy about?"
The man yells, "Today's the day!"
-<>-
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and
declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for
15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair!
The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever
happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."
-<>-
"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her
waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his
full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got.
That's what I call an investment!"
-<>-
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how
she died really...She was attacked by a giant crab.
-<>-
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
-<>-
A tour guide was showing a tour group around Washington,
D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George
Washington supposedly threw a dollar coin across the
Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw
a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide, "a dollar went
a lot farther in those days."
-<>-
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of
the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head
of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about
the matter. So he walked into the back and said, "There's
some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of
lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around
to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and
this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost
got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I
was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You
think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are
you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight, homely women
and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
-<>-
A blind fish with it's seeing eye dog fish! :)
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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told
when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me,
and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final
arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Gh0striders :)
_________
.`. `.
/ \ .======.\
| | |______||
| | _____ |
| | / / |
| | /____/ |
| _ | |
|/ \|.-"```"-.|
`` ||| |||
jgs `"` `"
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son,
can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street
a couple blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in
town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how
to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "Really? You don't even know
the way to the Post Office!”
-<>-
.-""""-._.'|
/ '.| |
/ | /
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\ \ / ____ /)
'._ _.-""-.< .' `\/)
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jgs / / || |
| . || |
/ '=------|
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>Remember Slow Food?
'Someone asked the other day,
'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
It was a place called 'at Home,'' I explained. 'Mom cooked every
day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the
dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate
I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was
going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him
the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my
childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never
set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or
had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge
card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was
Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly
because we never had heard of soccer.
I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had
one speed, (slow), we didn't have a television in our house until
I was 11. It was, of course, black and white, and the station
went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem
and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And
there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on,
featuring local people.
I was 19 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza
pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the
cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin
and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
_ _
| |------------| |
.-'| | | |`-.
.' | | | | `.
.-' \ \ / / `-.
.' _.| |--------| |._ `.
/ -. .' | | | | `. .- \
/ `( | |________| | )' \
| \ .i------------i. / |
| .-')/ \(`-. |
\ _.-'.-'/ ________ \`-.`-._ /
\.-'_.-' / .-' ______ `-. \ `-._`-./\
`-' / .' .-' _ _`-. `. \ `-' \\
| .' .' _ (3) (2) _`. `. | //
/ / / (4) ___ (1)_\ \ \ \\
| | | _ ,' `.==' `| | | //
| | | (5) | B.T.| (O) | | | //
| | | _ `.___.' _ | | | \\
| \ \ (6) _ _ (9) / / | //
/ `. `. (7) (8) .' .' \ \\
/ `. `-.______.-' .' \ //
/ `-.________.-' \ __//
| |--'
|================================|hjw
"--------------------------------"
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house
was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you
could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you
didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All
newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered
newspapers--my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It
cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to
get up at 6 AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers.
His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and
told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were
the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in
the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were
responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without
profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you
may want to share some of these memories with your children or
grandchildren - Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in
December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In
the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I
knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She
thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I
knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board
to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.
How many of these do you remember:
-Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
-Ignition switches on the dashboard.
-Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
-Real ice boxes.
-Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
-Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
-Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
,,,,,
\ e e\
C _\/ |\\,
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_/|/_ _//
,'\ ~ /'-,_/ \
/ \_/ / /
, | \_._,-"
( < _'
| \ \
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|// | '
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| | |
._., - |.,_ //
_\-' )___|__|_ '-._
b'ger /____\__\
Here's an Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you
were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show
and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.
(there were only 3 channels...[if you were fortunate)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H green stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!
Right, we’re mostly older than dirt.
---
...HaHa! So true! Thanks Gh0striders!
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
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I Believe..!-
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Our Valuable ANCHOR!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/ouranchor.html
-<>-
>Please Visit This Link to Get New Traffic For Shangrala :)
Fun Pages
http://www.funpageexchange.com/go.php?uid=3559
-<>-
>From Franklin Graham:
You’re Invited to Pray During Facebook Live Events July 18 and 25
http://tinyurl.com/zbylvxy
-<>-
>From Our Friend PatDeE :)
[I tried to vet this but couldn't find anyone saying yes it is
all true or mix or false so give it here for your own take :)
For those with short memories and those too young to remember.
If you're over 35, you lived through it, so read it and recollect.
Amazing to me how much
I had forgotten! For those under 35, read this, verify and don't
forget.
http://truthfeed.com/the-failed-record-of-hillary-clinton/1410/
---
...Thanks PatDeE!
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
New York is home to some of the most famous landscape
structures in the world, such as the Brooklyn Bridge and the
breathtaking Manhattan Skyline at night. Acclaimed filmmaker,
Victor Chu, takes you on a virtual tour through all five
boroughs like you've never quite seen before.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9NS7tqhCgQ
A wonderful look at some beautiful wild animals set to a
wonderful musical soundtrack from Living Music Action. Planet
Earth is filled with amazing creatures and wildlife that I
never grow tired of watching.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hodomt6bBOw
---
...Beautiful! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"In Virginia recently, a computer crash wiped out a decade's
worth of U.S. military data. However, this morning, the
Chinese government called and said no problem, we backed it
up." -Conan O'Brien
"Kim Kardashian appears nude on the current cover of 'GQ,'
with the headline 'Kim as you've never seen her.' Which I
can only assume means in a library?" -Jimmy Fallon
"A company has created a line of non-alcoholic wines for
cats containing catnip, water, and organic beet juice for
owners who want to drink with their pets. Said the cats,
"Yeah, I'd love to, but I actually have a thing tonight.'"
-Seth Meyers
"Police in Georgia are looking for people who stole 400,000
toothpicks from a warehouse. Fortunately, one of the suspects
has a clear alibi a tiny piece of spinach in his teeth."
-Jimmy Fallon
"Researchers at the Center for Tobacco Control at Scotland
University are working on an invention: Talking packs of
cigarettes that warn smokers about the side effects of
tobacco. I don't know; that actually might make me START
smoking." -Jimmy Kimmel
"The British are about to vote on whether to exit the European
Union. They call it the Brexit, which, in America, of course
is the meal between breakfast and exiting breakfast."
-Stephen Colbert
"The FDA has approved a device for weight loss that sucks
the food out of your stomach through an abdominal incision.
Or, you could just try a salad some time." -Conan O'Brien
"A Georgia man is facing charges after he tried to enter a
Waffle House completely naked. Ugh. Can you imagine? Walking
into a Waffle House barefoot?" -Seth Meyers
"Fourth of July, of course, is when we celebrate our breaking
away from England. And after Brexit last month, it's starting
to seem like England can't keep a relationship going."
-Conan O'Brien
From an undated letter Ben Franklin wrote to a
French associate:
"We hear of the conversion of water into wine
at the marriage in Cana, as of a miracle.
But this conversion is, through the goodness
of God, made every day before our eyes.
Behold the rain which descends from heaven
upon our vineyards, and which incorporates
itself with the grapes to be changed into
wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and
loves to see us happy!"
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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