The Wrong Number And More... :) Shangy!
>Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList:
To Subscribe send a blank email to
ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
To UnSubscribe send a blank email to
ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Group home page:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList
Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
adult club in the love and romance directory so
you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!
or Web Site:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html
Group email address:
ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com
or email me here:
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here...
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!!
AND For Facebook Users:
Please Friend Me / Like Me here...
http://tinyurl.com/cma6all
^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :)
================
** To Those Who Are Celebrating Early This Year:
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
__, ,____) _______)
(--| | (--| _, (_,
|__| _, _ _ | |_ _ ._ |__) , _ ' ',_ _
_| |(_||_)|_)(_| _| | |(_|| || \ /_)(_||\/|| |(_|
( | | ,_| ( |_, \_, ,_| ,_|
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
*~* Have A Happy, Blessed, Safe Thanksgiving Celebration! :)
>-->In The 'Shangy' News :)
I Am Most Thankful To God Almighty and To His Son, my Lord
Jesus Christ for all they do for me and my loved ones. There
is nothing I can ever do that is great enough to repay. I
remain their humble servant.
I am most thankful for all of you too! You bring me much joy
with all your sweet caring and sharing! Thank you my friends!
-<>-
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This too hot to handle page comes from our friends LouiseA,
Geniann, and Bunni. I'm not really a fan of this new craze
but this one was just too humorous to pass up sharing with
all of you. Sure to give you some Smiles! Turn up your sound,
give it time to load and check it out here...
Bucket List
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bucketlist.html
---
...Oh My! What a fun one! Thanks Ladies!
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone: Two Priests Meet In Heaven
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week,
but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
.------._
The first priest says, "I've .-"""`-.<') `-._
always wanted to be an eagle, (.--. _ `._ `'---.__.-'
soaring above the Rocky ` `;'-.-' '- ._
Mountains." .--'`` '._ - ' .
`""'-. `---' ,
"So be it," says St. Peter, and `\
off flies the first priest. `\ .'
`'. '
The second priest mulls this over for jgs `'.
a moment and asks, "Will any of this week
'count', St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter
to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?"
He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove
to be more difficult."
"Why ?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
November 25 is National Parfait Day
November 26 is Shopping Reminder Day
November 27 is Pins And Needles Day
November 28 is Make Your Own Head Day
November 29 is Square Dance Day
November 30 is Stay At Home Because You're Well Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
,
|\
| `-._,="""=,
\ //o.-)-.\
\ ||/:/:\:\-.
`. \\\:\:/:/o_),
jgs `->>>8888>;(_)o.-'
>Home-Fix-It
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my
wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program
for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my
wife burst into the room.
"You won't believe this," she said, "But there's a guy on the radio
with the same problem!"
-<>-
>Missing Dog
One overcast evening I passed the principal of our local high school
who was out looking for his missing dog, a Lassie look-alike. He told
me the dog often ran away, so he had put a metal tag on its collar
asking that anyone finding the dog send it home in a taxi.
A few days later I again met the principal, and he told me that as he
was trudging home during a downpour that night, his snug and dry dog
had passed him in a taxi.
-<>-
>Payback
I live in New Jersey and I'm used to having people cut me off on the
highway. But this one time I was cut off by a convertible -- he missed
my car by inches -- and the driver made an obscene gesture to boot.
Still steamed, I noticed that we had gotten off at the same exit and
the convertible's driver had pulled into an office complex parking lot.
I pulled my car over and waited for the driver to leave the parking lot
and enter the building. Then I entered the lot and pulled up next to
the car.
Well, as my luck would have it, I had just made a stop at the
supermarket and had a loaf of bread that I was willing to donate to the
cause. So I did.
I tore up a few slices of bread and threw the pieces into the front and
back seats of the open convertible. Then I drove off out of the lot and
pulled off across the street to watch.
-<>-
>Price Scanner
In our local large store, customers often ask the clerks to direct them
to the right department. One evening a woman stopped and asked where
she'd find a scanner to check a price.
Pointing to the automotive section, the clerk said, "See that tall pole
with the red flashing lights? That's where the scanner is."
"Oh, my," she replied. "Don't you have one a little closer to the
floor?"
-<>-
>Warranty
I had just about decided to buy the television set whose attributes the
young salesman had been extolling.
He concluded by saying it carried only a one-year warranty but that I
could buy a five-year warranty at an additional cost.
I won't buy anything that doesn't carry a five-year warranty and so
turned to leave.
The salesman asked me to please stay while he consulted with his boss.
"By the way," he continued, "may I ask your age?"
"Eighty-three," I replied.
He returned a moment later smiling. "We'll give you a lifetime
warranty."
=========================================================
>-->Thanksgiving SMILES:
__
__ /--\ __
|.-\| |/-.|
.--\ | | /--.
_\;` \ ;__; / `;/_
/`/'. ;'` `'; .'\`\
\_\ '/ a__a \' /_/
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| /;:;:;:::\ |
jgs \/;;:;:;;:;;\/
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\;/\;/
___)||(___
(((--)(--)))
``` ```
>Thanksgiving Riddles
Q: What do you get when you have a turkey on the beach with Broomhilda?
A: A turkey sand-witch
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck himself!
Q: Do you have any turkeys going cheap?
A: Nope, all our turkeys go gobble gobble.
Q: What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
A: Plymouth Rock!
Q: What's the best way to catch a Turkey?
A: Have someone throw one at you!
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: What's full of raisins and on a secret mission?
A: Mince spy!
Q: Why do turkeys eat so little?
A: Because they are always stuffed!
Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd be rolling over in his gravy!
Q: What key has legs but can't open a door?
A: A turKEY
Q: What did the turkey do in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
A: He played his drumsticks!
Q: Why are the cranberries red?
A: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Q: Why was the world concerned when the server dropped the platter of
Turkey?
A: It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the break up
of China
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by
its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
-<>-
#######
##[_]##
,;###########;,
<<:{{\|@___@|/}}:>>
<<:{{| ( /___\\) \}}:>>
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`-,__.__,-'
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>Livening Up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high; take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the
blender and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the
new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone says, in turn, what they are thankful for, say, "I'm
thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old-recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when
Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the
game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the
regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions
known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal, turn to Mom and say, "See mom, I told you they
wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were
worried for nothing."
-<>-
.--.
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{'-{ ' \ .-""'-. \ \
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.='==,
>Thanksgiving Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Gladys.
Gladys who?
Gladys Thanksgiving! Aren't you?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up! I'm starved!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to wait long to eat?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke at all the food!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Odette.
Odette who?
Odette's a big turkey!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Phillip.
Phillip who?
Phillip a big plate and dig in!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Emma.
Emma who?
Emma real pig when it comes to eating Turkey!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther any more gravy?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive the stuffing too!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Aaron.
Aaron who?
Arron you having more cranberry sauce?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Don.
Don who?
Don eat all the stuffing, I want some more!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any more sweet potatoes?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Alma.
Alma who?
Alma dinner's gone. May I have dessert?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda piece of pumpkin pie?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
General Lee.
General Lee who?
General Lee I don't either!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida lot more than I should have!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara we'll have turkey leftovers!
-<>-
.========.
.-| |-.
.''-'`_.|__ __ __|._`'-''.
/ .--'` | [LI] | `'--. \
.' / _.--'''""""'''--._ \ '.
/` .' .-' _.----._ '-. '. `\
| / / .' _ _ '. \ \ |
| | | / `_ _` \ | | |
/ / '. | (o)(o) | .' \ \
| | '._| .-""-. |_.' | |
| \ / | \ / | \ / |
/ / | / \ /\/\ / \ | \ \
| | / | '-.( ).-' | \ | |
| | | / \`""`/ \ | | |
\ \ / | _.-| |-._ | \ / /
\ \ | / .' | | '. \ | / /
'. './ | .' / \ '. | \.' .'
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\,/ \,/
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jgs '-.__ __.-'
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/=/=|=| |=|=\=\
\/\/\_/ \_/\/\/
>Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's
axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Linda :)
>Healthy Eating - Helpful food chart
Apples
Protects your heart
Prevents constipation
Blocks diarrhea
Improves lung capacity
Cushions joints
Apricots
Combats cancer
Controls blood pressure
Saves your eyesight
Shields against Alzheimer's
Slows aging process
Artichokes
Aids digestion
Lowers cholesterol
Protects your heart
Stabilizes blood sugar
Guards against liver disease
Avocados
Battles diabetes
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Bananas
Protects your heart
Quiets a cough
Strengthens bones
Controls blood pressure
Blocks diarrhea
Beans
Prevents constipation
Helps hemorrhoids
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Stabilizes blood sugar
Beets
Controls blood pressure
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones
Protects your heart
Aids weight loss
Blueberries
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Stabilizes blood sugar
Boosts memory
Prevents constipation
Broccoli
Strengthens bones
Saves eyesight
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Cabbage
Combats cancer
Prevents constipation
Promotes weight loss
Protects your heart
Helps hemorrhoids
Cantaloupe
Saves eyesight
Controls blood pressure
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Supports immune system
Carrots
Saves eyesight
Protects your heart
Prevents constipation
Combats cancer
Promotes weight loss
Cauliflower
Protects against Prostate Cancer
Combats Breast Cancer
Strengthens bones
Banishes bruises
Guards against heart disease
Cherries
Protects your heart
Combats Cancer
Ends insomnia
Slows aging process
Shields against Alzheimer's
Chestnuts
Promotes weight loss
Protects your heart
Lowers cholesterol
Combats Cancer
Controls blood pressure
Chili peppers
Aids digestion
Soothes sore throat
Clears sinuses
Combats Cancer
Boosts immune system
Figs
Promotes weight loss
Helps stops strokes
Lowers cholesterol
Combats Cancer
Controls blood pressure
Fish
Protects your heart
Boosts memory
Protects your heart
Combats Cancer
Supports immune system
Flax
Aids digestion
Battles diabetes
Protects your heart
Improves mental health
Boosts immune system
Garlic
Lowers cholesterol
Controls blood pressure
Combats cancer
Kills bacteria
Fights fungus
Grapefruit
Protects against heart attacks
Promotes Weight loss
Helps stops strokes
Combats Prostate Cancer
Lowers cholesterol
Grapes
Saves eyesight
Conquers kidney stones
Combats cancer
Enhances blood flow
Protects your heart
Green tea
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Helps stops strokes
Promotes Weight loss
Kills bacteria
Honey
Heals wounds
Aids digestion
Guards against ulcers
Increases energy
Fights allergies
Lemons
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Stops scurvy
Limes
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Stops scurvy
Mangoes
Combats cancer
Boosts memory
Regulates thyroid
Aids digestion
Shields against Alzheimer's
Mushrooms
Controls blood pressure
Lowers cholesterol
Kills bacteria
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones
Oats
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Battles diabetes
Prevents constipation
Smoothes skin
Olive oil
Protects your heart
Promotes Weight loss
Combats cancer
Battles diabetes
Smoothes skin
Onions
Reduce risk of heart attack
Combats cancer
Kills bacteria
Lowers cholesterol
Fights fungus
Oranges
Supports immune systems
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Straightens respiration
Peaches
Prevents constipation
Combats cancer
Helps stops strokes
Aids digestion
Helps hemorrhoids
Peanuts
Protects against heart disease
Promotes Weight loss
Combats Prostate Cancer
Lowers cholesterol
Aggravates
Diverticulitis
Pineapple
Strengthens bones
Relieves colds
Aids digestion
Dissolves warts
Blocks diarrhea
Prunes
Slows aging process
Prevents constipation
Boosts memory
Lowers cholesterol
Protects against heart disease
Rice
Protects your heart
Battles diabetes
Conquers kidney stones
Combats cancer
Helps stops strokes
Strawberries
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Boosts memory
Calms stress
Sweet potatoes
Saves your eyesight
Lifts mood
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones
Tomatoes
Protects prostate
Combats cancer
Lowers cholesterol
Protects your heart
Walnuts
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Boosts memory
Lifts mood
Protects against heart disease
Water
Promotes Weight loss
Combats cancer
Conquers kidney stones
Smooths skin
Watermelon
Protects prostate
Promotes Weight loss
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Controls blood pressure
Wheat germ
Combats Colon Cancer
Prevents constipation
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Improves digestion
Wheat bran
Combats Colon Cancer
Prevents constipation
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Improves digestion
Yogurt
Guards against ulcers
Strengthens bones
Lowers cholesterol
Supports immune systems
Aids digestion
Lemon yogurt is the only one that is a natural
anti-biotic with NO side effects.
---
...Bon Appetite! Great Info! Thanks Linda!
=============================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
>From BizarreNews:
Who knows what kind of potential lies locked away in the human
brain waiting, perhaps, for some jolt to 'knock' it loose?
Remember how Bruce Banner was turned into the Incredible Hulk
by gamma rays? Well, this Colorado teenager experienced some-
thing similar, except instead of a freak exposure to gamma
radiation he cracked his skull open while playing lacrosse,
and instead of turning into a giant, green rage monster, he
developed innate musical talent.
Lachlan Connors was in the sixth grade when he hit his head
on the ground and sustained a concussion. Although he began
to display "concerning behaviors," he was allowed to return
to sports. Soon after, another concussion sent him to the
hospital for weeks and Connors began suffering from epileptic
seizures and mini-hallucinations.
It was while recovering from this second injury that he
realized he could suddenly play music with little effort.
According to his mother Connors had displayed no musical
talent before the accident.
But now a junior in high school, Connors plays 13 instruments,
including bagpipes, piano, guitar, mandolin, and karimba (what-
ever that is).
Connors cannot read music and plays all of the instruments by
ear. And while some do question whether or not a brain injury
helped uncover his talent, Connors believes it did. "I honestly
think something got rewired," he said.
*-- Man who wore crack shirt to court gets 3 years for drug charges --*
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - A Florida man who wore a sweatshirt
bearing a recipe for crack cocaine to court pleaded no
contest to narcotics trafficking charges. Christopher
Patterson, 27, who previously served time for felony
cocaine possession, entered no contest pleas Tuesday in a
Fort Lauderdale courtroom to distribution and conspiracy
charges related to the sale of the painkiller Oxycodone
to an undercover investigator, The Smoking Gun reported
Thursday. Patterson, who sentenced to three years in
prison, was photographed in a courtroom last year wearing
a hooded sweatshirt bearing a cartoon-like recipe for
crack cocaine and a caption reading, "Stack Paper Say
Nothing." The sweatshirt had a zipper pull in the shape
of a handgun. The picture was taken by a lawyer who
noticed the sweatshirt's images in the courtroom.
*-- Teen says beaver stole his hunting rifle --*
MADAWASKA, Maine - A Maine teenager said a beaver stole
his rifle and dragged it underwater when he took a break
from hunting to use the restroom. Nathan Baron, a student
at Madawaska High School, said he was hunting Monday near
his home when he decided to pop into the house for a
bathroom break, the Bangor (Maine) Daily News reported
Thursday. "I walked out of the woods and got on my
four-wheeler and I went home," he said. Baron said he
returned a short time later and noticed his Remington
.30-06 rifle, which he had left leaning against a tree,
was missing. He said he quickly searched the area. "There
was a stream that was running about 100 feet away from me.
I look, and there's a beaver hauling that gun into the
water," he said. Baron said it was too late to rescue his
rifle. "There was nothing I could do," he said. "The gun
was in the water and the beaver went under. That was it."
Baron admitted the story may seem unlikely. "My close
friends don't believe me, but all the other kids in school
believe me," he said. The teenager said he is hoping to
obtain proof of the incident by getting the gun back. "I'm
trying to get my gun back," he said. "If there are beaver
marks on it, I'm going to hang it on the wall of my garage
[so others can come and see it]."
*-- Man called police to remove snoring woman from his bed --*
WAUKESHA, Wis. - Police in Wisconsin said a man called 911
to demand officers remove a snoring woman whose name he
didn't know from his bed. Waukesha police said local man
Benjamin Duddles called 911 around 4:21 a.m. Nov. 10 and
said he needed officers to remove a woman who was "snoring
like a train" in his bed, the Chicago Tribune reported
Thursday. Duddles, who admitted he had been drinking, told
the dispatcher he could not remember the woman's name and
he had brought her home because they had been "talking."
Duddles held the phone up in his bedroom to give a sample
of the snoring sounds to the dispatcher, who sent officers
to the home. The officers woke the woman, who told police
she suffers from sleep apnea, a condition that can cause
loud snoring. The police report said officers told Duddles
they would not forcibly remove the woman from his
apartment. "He was advised this was not a police matter
because he allowed her in. He was provided the comfort of
his couch for the evening and to work out the 'issue' in
the morning," the report said.
*-- Police: Man posed as U.S. marshal to get discounted doughnuts --*
NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla. - Police in Florida said they
arrested a man accused of posing as a U.S. Marshal to get
a discount at a Dunkin' Donuts. The Pasco County Sheriff's
Office spokesman Douglas Tobin said a suspicious store
clerk at the Dunkin' Donuts in New Port Richey alerted
the office to a man who frequented the eatery and used a
badge to support his claim of being a U.S. marshal to get
discounts on doughnuts, ABC News reported Thursday.
"Yesterday, we had an undercover deputy in the store,"
Tobin said. "He usually comes in at the same time. This
time, he didn't show his badge, but we had enough reason
to arrest him." The man, Charles Barry, 48, was found to
have a .38-caliber revolver in his pocket Tuesday and
ammunition in his vehicle, Tobin said. Barry, who
investigators said used his late father's New Jersey
police badge for his Dunkin' Donuts ruse, was arrested
Tuesday on charges of impersonating a law enforcement
officer and improper exhibition of a firearm or dangerous
weapon. He was released after posting $5,150 bail.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :}
_,,
_.-'` ',\
\ .-;`'(,____
\.-'\ _\-` __.-;
\_.-'_.-'0 \/
/ .'0 __ |
/_.' .'o \ / .-.
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.-/ \ ^_> |\ /\ \ /
<;/ \ \_/ |___/__\__|`
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/\__/__/^\____.-;
| | |
| | /
\____|\____/
|===||===|
jgs __/[](_||__l[]_
/ || '. \
'-----'-''-'-.__/
>Blonde Men!!!
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:
"Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied:
"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and
I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in
the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks after, the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail.
Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies,
"but then I couldn't breathe".
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseA!
====================================================
_/\_
.' ) )`'. _/\_
/./`""` \.\.' ) )`'.
|:| : |: |/.'`""`\. \
\'| .|. :|: |: |. |
'.___:_.'\'. |. | /
jgs '._:_/_.'
>-->From Our Friend Fran :)
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the
first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each
exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did
you get your baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for
$32.95"
"Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty."
"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a
beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at WalMart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's
and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get
your baby and how much did he cost?'
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost
about $15,000."
The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy
walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and
said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if
you ask me, she REALLY got screwed!"
-<>-
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering
university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One
afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large
bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt;
to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I
was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came
along. He asked me what I was doing.
I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger
and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days
are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
-<>-
{An Et-Ahem!}
She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood
there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old
woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The old
woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance...
never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned
and said, "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started
shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman prospector -- not
wanting to get her toes blown off -- started hopping around. Everybody
was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young
gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go
back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out
a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks
carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing
immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned
around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd
watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large
gaping holes of those twin shotgun barrels. The barrels of that
shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said,
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger blinked a few
times, swallowed hard, and said, "No m'am...but... I've always wanted
to."
Now pay attention, there are a few lessons here for all of us:
1 - Don't be arrogant.
2 - Never waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
---
...LOL! Thanks Fran!
============================================================
>-->From Our Friend PatDeE :)
_,--"^^"-.,_
_.-"~^`~-. .-~`^~"-._
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jgs :__.-`-.______.-'`-.__;
// \\
(((~ ~)))
>Thinking Outside The Box
STUDENT WHO *OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM*
*/Should he have been given 100%/*
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
** his last battle*
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
** at the bottom of the page*
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
** liquid*
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
** marriage*
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
** exams*
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
** Lunch & dinner*
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* *The other half*
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
** **I**t will simply become wet*
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* *No problem, he sleeps at night.*
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* *You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..*
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* *Very large hands*
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
** No time at all, the wall is already built.*
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
**Any way you want, concrete**floors are very hard to crack*
---
...TeeHee! Thanks PatDeE
That student would probably get -50 points for being a wiseA!
===============================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
.:.
.:. \|/ .:.
_ \\,/// \|/ | \|/
_/_\_ ___ \\|/// <#> | \|<#> |
(") /.-.\ (")\\ \|<#>|/ \| /
_ //U\\ |(")| //-\\\ | \| /<#>/
( ) _ \|_|/ /)v(\ <#>_/|_|/\\ \ |/ |/ \|
(_` )_('> | | \/~\/ |||\\\ \| | |/
(__,~_)8 ||| //_\\ ||| \\ |/ \| / \| /
jgs _YY_ _[|]_ /_____\ _[|]_ \| |/ |/
""""""""'""'""'"""""'""""'""'"""'"""""''"'"""^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Truisms...
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected
is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
---
...Sad but true! Thanks Geniann!
==============================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
____
/ __ \
__/==LI==\__
`"///""""\\\"`
( . . )
\ __ /
;.__.;
/` /\ `\
| /::\ |
/\ / :: \ /\
/ \/ :: \/ \
/\/`>==::==<`\/\
(_/ / :: \ \_)
/__________\
| || |
|- || -|
jgs \.-||-./
/LI/\LI\
(__/ \__)
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for
charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made
an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you
can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What
happens if there's no one there I know?"
-<>-
A homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done
all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said
and handed the man a check. "Also, as a bonus, here's an
extra $100 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
"What's the matter," asked the homeowner, "did you forget
something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your
missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
-<>-
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately
hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician replies: "Yes!"
-<>-
.-.
.;;;;. ( ^_>
<;<; \;>\ !
<;<; '-.>) \
<;<; <'=. |
<;<; '- /
<;,\.\--'`
jgs `==`==
It was early morning at the military base, and the first
sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties
listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"SEEBACK!
The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's
ear. He looked again at what the last name really said,
turned a bright crimson red, and quickly turned over the
list to continue calling the names printed on the other side.
-<>-
,
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jgs `'-../__/_\:: /O()()o
()'._.'`()()'
>THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the
species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats
backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it
made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillers.
The process of turning steam back into water again is
called conversation.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame
in a test tube.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what
you are talking about.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against
insects.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than
it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called
an obscene triangle.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you
get a glacier.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it
gently back and forth.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over
the nose.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until
the patient is dead.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide.
-<>-
While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I
noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me.
As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get
them to calm down.
Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent
asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you
on this flight been out of your immediate control since your
arrival at the airport?"
The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the
children, yes."
=========================================================
>-->From JokeCentral:
.---.
|_X_|
___ [_____]
/ _ \ // \\
| / \ | | " |
|| " || __\___/__
__\\_//__ /\_______/\
/ | U | \/ _ : _ \
( (|___|) )/ \ : / \ \
\_ / \ _/ \ /=====\ / /
/| |\ './___:___\.'
; | | ; | | |
| | | | | | |
| \_____/ | |--|--|
'._______.' |LI|LI|
jgs \/ \/ \_/ \_/
>The Cameron Column # 193
A FREE Internet Newsletter brought to you by W.
Bruce Cameron in violation of the terms of his
parole.
Write to me at Bruce@wbrucecameron.com
--------------------------------------
>The Wrong Number
Copyright 2003 W. Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
Few people are aware of this, but I could easily
have been one of the world's great concert
pianists, had I decided to ignore my passion
for storytelling and writing humor and instead
learned to play the piano.
My fingers possess such a nimble dexterity that
even as a child, my music teachers would gush
that in me they had found one of those special
students who, in their words, "could type." I am
sure that by deciding to adopt the qwerty
keyboard instead of the sort mastered by the
likes of Johannes Brahmas and Ludwig Rollover
Beethoven, I have deprived the world of great
musical masterpieces, which you would think the
Pulitzer Committee would take into consideration
once in a while, not that I'm interested in their
stupid prize anyway.
With such amazing capability literally at my
fingertips, I am, as you would suspect, not only
an extremely gifted typist, but also very adroit
at using the telephone as well. I've never in my
life misdialed a number, which is why I can
report to you that there is something seriously
amiss with our local phone company: Despite my
deadly accuracy, I seem to be connected to the
wrong party with ever-increasing frequency.
Case in irritating point: The other day I was
calling my mechanic, and was startled when
instead of his greeting message (Hello, this is
Melvin Walletdrainer. I can't come to the phone
right now because I am busy translating Bruce's
income into some greasy car parts. Leave a
message at the tone...), a woman answered.
"Hello?" She seemed suspicious.
"Hi, is this...is this Melvin's?"
"Who? What? How did you get this number?
You're not supposed to be calling here, this is
an unlisted number!" And with that, she slammed
the phone down.
I thought about this for a moment and decided I
was dissatisfied with how the conversation had
ended. I pushed "redial."
"Hello?"
"Yes, Ma'am, I phoned just a minute ago? You
see, the thing is, I wasn't calling YOU. There
have been some recent malfunctions--"
"You weren't calling me?" she interrupted.
I decided to let her rudeness pass. "Right. I
wasn't trying to reach you."
"Twice?" she demanded, her voice rising.
"Well no, the second time I actually meant to
call you, because--"
"Do I know you?"
"Well..." I gave a modest laugh. "You've
probably heard of me, because I write a newspaper
col--"
"Stop calling me!" she bellowed, hanging up with
a loud click.
This struck me as being intolerably uncivil. I
connected again.
"Hello?" She sounded suspicious.
"Hi, look, you don't seem to understand how this
technology works, here. See--"
"Just a minute, you can talk to my son," she
snarled.
Well, good, someone who would understand what was
going on.
"Hello?"
"Hi, I--"
"Look here, buddy, you've got a lot of nerve
harassing my mother."
"Sorry?"
"I ought to come over there and punch you in the
nose, you pervert."
"Pervert!"
"You better apologize or you'll be saying you're
sorry."
"I... What? Look, in the first place, you can't
come punch me in the nose, which by the way would
be very unwise for your physical health, because
you don't even know where I live."
"Do too. I have caller ID."
"Well, that doesn't tell you where I live."
"Does too."
I hesitated. Could this be true? Perhaps I'd
better calm this guy down. "There's no need for
any of that. I was simply calling your mother to
tell her I was connected to her by mistake."
"You mean you called her two times to tell her
you dialed the wrong number?"
"Well, yes, except, well, no. You see, I have
these nimble fingers--"
"You got to be the stupidest human on the face of
the earth. I never heard of anyone so stupid.
You're dumber than a, like--what are those
animals that stand there eating grass?"
"Cows?"
"No, not cows, you idiot! I know what a cow is."
"Well your mother's no genius either; she said
her number was unlisted, as if--"
"No one calls my mother stupid! I'm on my way
over, buddy. What's your address?"
"Ha!" I barked, slamming down the receiver.
So you can see my complaint: This telephonic
malfunction very nearly led to me being forced to
put some jerk in the hospital.
I trust that the FCC will look into the matter.
Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For reprint permission, including web sites,
please write me at Bruce@wbrucecameron.com
This newsletter may be distributed freely via
e-mail but you MUST include the following
copyright information:
The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2003
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
-<>-
.-'"`/\
// /' /\`\
('//.-'/`-.;
\ \ / /-.
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.{#@#&@#@#&#&@&#@#@&#,@#@#&@&&#@#\ \// = \`=\__
`{#@,@#&@&,@&#@,#@&#@#&@#&@,&#@,#/\/ =`-. -_=__
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jgs `~`~~`~~~`~`~`~~`~( / , /__,___.-"
\ \\/
`\\\'
>BLOOPERS:
News report: Police begin campaign to run down
jaywalkers. (Doug Helsel)
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel
towels please. If you are not a person to do such
thing is please not to read notice.
(Richard Lederer)
Commercial: "So, remember ... Goodyear four-ply
rubber to help prevent families ... I mean
Goodyear rubber tires to help your family prevent
accidents!" (Kermit Schafer)
Upheaval means you shouldn’t have ate so much.
(Art Linkletter)
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to
complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
11 A.M. daily. (Richard Lederer)
When I appeared with Merv Griffin as the guest on
his new late-night show on CBS-TV, Merv related
this blooper on the air. "On the first day of my
new afternoon show, I couldn't wait to see who
our first sponsor was. It turned out to be a
well-known laxative. I eagerly said, 'Well . . .
we're off and running.' (Kermit Schafer)
Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take
advantage of the chambermaid. (Richard Lederer)
Walter Cronkite was reading the news about
Rolls-Royce having a recall campaign, when he
said,
"Rolls-Royce announced today that it is
recalling all Rolls-Royce cars made after 1966
because of faulty nuts behind the steering
wheels." (Kermit Schafer)
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our
waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
(Joke Center)
An announcer, reading it right off the wire: "A
severe storm hit Atlantic City, New Jersey,
today, bringing high winds, hail, and more
than two inches of rain. A sailor was sucked
under the boardwalk by a big Wave!"
(Kermit Schafer)
-<>-
___
.'=:-\
/.='( `
/. ^=.'-._..---.
| =^.'=.'^//"(_`\\)8,
|^.'=' .=||/' `\||;8.-'
\'.^,=^'.||; ; ||8/:_,_
'./-`\= \\\.-./;//,_/`- \
jgs \__/-/'-\888::((()),_ /:.
.O__/ (_88:::(())):.
`8':. '
>HEADLINES
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T
SEEN IN YEARS (Richard Lederer)
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE
(Richard Lederer)
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
(Richard Lederer)
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
(Richard Lederer)
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
|_| _, _ _
___ | |(_||_)|_)\_|
.'=:-\ ___ | | ._|
/.='( ` | |_ _ ,_ |/ , _ . .,_ _
/. ^=.'-._..---. | | |(_|| ||\/_)(_|||/|| |(_|
| =^.'=.'^//"(_`\\)8, ._| ._|
|^.'=' .=||/' `\||;8.-'
\'.^,=^'.||; ; ||8/:_,_ give thanks...
'./-`\= \\\.-./;//,_/`- \
jgs \__/-/'-\888::((()),_ /:.
.O__/ (_88:::(())):.
`8':. '
>Thanksgiving links:
Thanksgiving STORY PAGE
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/alices.html
YUMMY Easy Recipes
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/easy.html
Animated Thanksgiving Images:
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html
Words: Thank You
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html
Give Praise!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/praise.html
Our Valuable Anchor
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/ouranchor.html
90/10 Principle
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/giving.html
The Blue Ribbon
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/blueribbon.html
Dear Hunter Story [Graphic]
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/deerhunter.html
Friends
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/friends.html
Friends And Health
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/friendhealth.html
No Words Needed
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nowords.html
Ohio Indians
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ohioindians.html
Old Barns, Old People, Old Friends
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/barns.html
Pay It Forward
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/payitforward.html
Playing With Words
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wordplay.html
Thank You Lord!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/thanks.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend Melody :)
Israel - Seeing is believing
http://www.youtube.com/embed/tLgdb6r0MQ4?rel=0
Amusement park!
http://www.wimp.com/russiaride/
Fun at the boat launch
http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/boat-launch-fun.htm
2012 Wacky Warning Labels™ Contest Finalists!
http://www.centerforamerica.org/wwl_11/wwl_11_2012_finalists.html
---
...Nice one, scary! and Funny ones! Thanks Melody!
-<>-
>From Our Friend PatDeE :)
Lifespan Calculator – Test Your Life Expectancy
http://media.nmfn.com/tnetwork/lifespan/
=========================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"Wildlife officials in India are now putting wild monkeys on
birth control to help curb the recent population spike. This
is good for wildlife, and even better for female monkeys who
want to focus on their careers." -Jimmy Fallon
"Thieves have stolen a half a million dollars' worth of Red
Bull. They're described as armed, dangerous, and ready to
go." -Dave Letterman
"Members of the tea party gathered outside the White House
to demand President Obama's impeachment. The president said
he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website
where they can voice their opinion." -Conan O'Brien
"Big news from the Oxford English Dictionary. For all of
you kids watching who don't know what a dictionary is, it's
a small portion of the Internet, printed out, kept on a
shelf, and opened once every three years during a Scrabble
game." -Jimmy Kimmel
"The Oxford Dictionary has named 'selfie' the word of the
year, narrowly beating out 'twerk.' In a related story, the
funeral for the English language is this Saturday. They'll
put it in the ground." -Conan O'Brien
"Butterball, the country's largest turkey producer, says it
has a shortage of large Thanksgiving turkeys this year.
Some experts say it's because of a greater demand than usual,
while others say it means the turkeys are on to us."
-Jimmy Fallon
"Sometimes I sit for hours weighing the fine distinctions
among the words spunk, pluck, nerve, chutzpah, gall and
moxie." --George Carlin
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he
has any luggage. The Photon replies, "No I'm traveling light."
"I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted
to do before I die. Omigod...how embarrassing. Number One:
Touch a boobie." --Drew Carey
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
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FUN URLS
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-->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN
HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN!
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
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-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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A Recipe
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