Thoughts, Spider-Baby, And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This smoking hot one is from our friends Linda, Geniann, and Karen. The bible describes this one best... Gen.2: [9a] And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight... Not all of them for sure but these will give you some Ooos and Awws! Check them out here... . + . . . . _ . . , /;-._,-.____ ,-----.__ (( . (_:#::_.:::. `-._ /:, /-._, `._, ` \ _|`"=:_::.`.); \ __/ / , `./ \:. `. )==-' . . ., ,-=-. ,\, +#./` \:. / / . . \/:/`-' , ,\ '` ` ` ): , /_ -o . /:+- - + +- : :- + + -:' /(o-) \) . . ,=': \ ` `/` ' , , ,:' `'--".--"---._/`7 `. ( \: \,-._` ` + '\, ," _,--._,---":.__/ \: ` X` _| _,\/' .-' . ":._:`\____ /:' / . . \::. :\/:' / + . `.:. /:' } . . ):_(:; \ . /:. _/ , | . (|::. ,` . . |::. {\ |::.\ \ `. |:::(\ | O |:::/{ } | (o ) ___/#\::`/ (O "==._____ O, (O /` ~~~w/w~"~~,\` `:/,-(~`"~~~~~~~~"~o~\~/~w|/~ dew ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\\W~~~~~~~~~~~~\|/~~ World's Beautiful Trees http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/worldstrees.html --- ...These certainly are gorgeous! Thanks Ladies ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: ,;;;, Mother Of Six ,;;;, """\\\\ /////)) '' `\\) |/// '' /_ _) A man had six children and was very \(C _) | / proud of his achievement. He was so ((_)) _= =_ / proud of himself that he started `"`/ / \ \ calling his wife "Mother of Six" in (`""-. <\-/``> spite of her objections. jgs /`~~~`\ / Y`~`` \ One night they attended a party. When the man decided it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife was ready to leave as well, he shouted across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, finally shouted back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ September 15 is Felt Hat Day September 16 is Collect Rocks Day, Step Family Day, and Mayflower Day September 17 is National Apple Dumpling Day and Constitution Day September 18 is National Cheeseburger Day September 19 is International Talk Like A Pirate Day September 20 is National Punch Day and Oktoberfest, begins, date varies September 21 is Miniature Golf Day and National Women's Friendship Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: (~~~~~~~~) | | | |--.----. (()---. | | | (_ ' | | | | | | | | | | | |..---'' | | .---. /\ /\..---'' | | / \ \ \// \ | | : / \-OO '-' /__\ \| | .-. : (___) 0 // // / | | | \ (_) | //..---------' | | | _____/.__ _/_________(/_|| | | |-| \\ || | ____'-'-'----------O-------------|| | (______________) |==|| | | | | || | | | | || | | | | || |-abg | | | || | | | | || | | | | || | '--------------' '--''----------------' >Deflated Ego I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually- impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself. Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford." Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!" -<>- >Flight School I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate liquid stage. He gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a plane's windshield to form ice. Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting "dry ice" as the answer. One of the students blurted out, "Burritos." -<>- >House of Night My favorite spot at our local zoo is the House of Night, where nocturnal creatures crawl and fly about. One very bright day, I stepped into the exhibit and was plunged into total darkness. Almost immediately, a small hand grabbed mine. "And who do you belong to?" I asked. The answer came swiftly: "I'm yours until the lights come on." -<>- >Special Communication Couples who have lived together for a long time have developed their own method of communication. One day I heard my mother yell upstairs to my father, "What are you looking for in that closet?" My father yelled down, "Nothing!" My mother thought a moment, then replied, "Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed!" -<>- >Yosemite A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in the hotel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be. The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter. "The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?" The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a Black Bear. If it shakes the tree until you fall out, it's a Grizzly." The hotel room was quite nice. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) @ @ @@ ..-.. @@ @@@' _ _ '@@@ @( . . )@ | (_) | | _ | |_ _| /|_'---'_|\ / | '\_/' | \ / | | | | \ -abg >SMILES The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?" -------- Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?" "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?" -------- Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money. "Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills" "And what about the rest?", the reporter asks. Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess the rest of 'em will just have to wait." -------- A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River." ------- My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over. I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and twisted my ankle. When I limped into the kitchen, covered in dust and blood, my wife took one look and said, "Are those your good pants?" -------- The conductor turned to the violin student and said, "You should have taken up the violin earlier." "Why?" asked the student. "Do you think the practice would have made me really good?" "No," said the conductor. "But you might have given up by now." -------- An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO said, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!" The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank! The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass. One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. "Simple" said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, 'How would you like to get a 3-day pass?' "So we exchanged tanks!" --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- (~'~~'~~'~~) | | What's wrong, Dogbert? | | / | ~|~ _ __ |-------()) || | ( _) .'~\ /. I'm a horrible ascii | | ()()--\/ ". / drawing! | | 0 " ''.. | : // | |'..'---_/\ : () | / ''---|| /\ '. ." / \ \\/\/ ".. ."\\ | \ / \_/ || | ^ | \/\\ | \ -adam gurno ((__) >Thoughts... I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they Call blue teeth, I think. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'. I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got 8a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!' Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'! I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then poop on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyo your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...' Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . ... AMEN --- ...LOL! Too Rich! Thanks Louise! ======================================================= >-->From Our Friend gh0strider :) _ _ {{} {}} {{}}{{}} {{{}}}{{}} {{{}}}}^^^^-. | ~~ ~~ |@ . .| Work Smarter, not harder... | --. / | --' _______ | O | | | ''';....... | | """'..()...|______.---, | / \\ /\ // | |~ | / || | | || _____| | | / \\/ \// | -|_______| | \\..// | | \\// | -adam gurno TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?" THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND." "I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT. THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR CONVENT, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO “. WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE." --- ...LOL! Good one! Thanks gh0strider! ======================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) (@@@) (@@) (@@@@@@@@@@@) (@@@@@@@@@@@@@@) (@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@) (@@ (@@@@@@) (@@@ ~~ ~~ (@@@@@@) (@@@ ( (@@@@@@@) (@@@@ _ (@@@@@@@@) (@@@@@ _) (@@@@@@@) (@@@@@@_________(@@@@@@@@) / \ / | | | | | |__| | | | | | | | | | | | | |_______| | |[[[[[(__) |[[[[[[[[ teb An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village. About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank. The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid." ------- A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. “Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it - you’ll catch on again fast.” Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.” --- ...Oh My! TeeHee! Thanks Geniann! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: Authorities say a 19-year-old Louisiana man is in custody after he allegedly drove his car into the entrance of the Sulphur, La. Wal-Mart store after being fired. That'll show 'em. Andre Hofemann was fired and escorted out of the store around 9:30 a.m. Police say he then got into his car, drove to the store's front entrance and crashed through the barricades and doors. Witnesses say Hofemann then exited his vehicle, entered the store and verbally threatened some of the employees. No major injuries were reported. While this may sound bizarre to you and me, in Louisiana this is not an uncommon way to leave employment. Ultimately, citizens and employees detained Hofemann until police arrived. Of course, the story wouldn't be complete without a liberal application of stun guns by police. Hofemann was arrested on charges of simple battery of an officer and aggravated criminal damage to property. -<>- -Spider-Baby? A baby born with eight limbs in Uganda has undergone a successful surgery to remove the additional body parts. Paul Mukisa was born with what doctors diagnosed as "parasitic twinning." The extra limbs were part of a conjoined twin who never fully developed, and had neither heart nor head. While conjoined twins occur at a rate of one in 50,000, parasitic twins are incredibly rare. More than three months after his birth, a team of three surgeons, three anesthesiologists and two nurses at a hospital in Kampala performed a three-hour operation to remove the parasitic twin. The operation was successful. "There were no intra-operative or post-operative complications," said one of the surgeons involved. Unfortunately, while gaining a chance at a normal life, poor little Paul also lost his abilities to climb walls and spin webs any size. *-- Boozy Britons spend year of life hungover --* LONDON (UPI) - The average alcohol-consuming Briton spends nearly a year of their life -- 315 days -- with a hangover, a charity's survey indicates. Macmillan Cancer Support said the Onepoll survey of 2,000 people, conducted July 24-Aug. 6, suggests the average Briton spends at least seven hours each month with a hangover, while 7 percent of those polled are projected to have approximately 3,024 hangovers in their lifetimes. The charity said it took the average number of hours respondents spent hung over each month and multiplied it by the average lifespan -- starting at 18, the legal drinking age in Britain -- to calculate that an average Briton spends 315 days of their life, nearly a year, feeling the ill after-effects of a drunken night. The survey also found 10 percent of respondents had missed a job interview and 8 percent had missed a wedding because they were too hungover to properly function. "This research shows hangovers are a waste of time and are causing people to miss out on everything from romance to their dream job. That's why we're asking people to sign up for Macmillan's Go Sober fundraising event, abstain from drinking alcohol for the month of October and ask family and friends to sponsor them. The money raised will provide vital funds to support people affected by cancer so they don't have to face it alone," said Hannah Redmond, head of national events marketing for Macmillan Cancer Support. *-- Accused biter allegedly said it was 'zombie game' --* LAKESIDE, Ore. (UPI) - An Oregon woman accused of breaking into a woman's home and biting the resident allegedly told the victim she "was playing the zombie game," police said. The Coos County Sheriff's Office said Jessica Rocha was caught trying to break into Erica Tate's Lakeside home early Monday and the suspect allegedly attacked Tate by pushing her down the stairs, pulling her hair and biting her, the Coos Bay (Ore.) World reported. Deputies responded to the scene just before 1 a.m. and Rocha was arrested on charges of first-degree attempted burglary, fourth-degree assault, harassment, unlawful entry to a motor vehicle and third-degree criminal mischief. Tate told deputies Rocha told her during the attack she "was playing the zombie game." There was no word Tuesday on exactly what "zombie game" the suspect was referencing. *-- Sticky icky: Pot allegedly stuck to suspect's face --* DELAND, Fla. (UPI) - A Florida man who called 911 while fleeing police to report he had "not done anything wrong" had marijuana stuck to his face when he was stopped, police said. The Volusia County Sheriff's Office said deputies attempted to pull over a vehicle driven by Benjamin Nutter, 26, early Tuesday because his tags were not lit, but the man drove his vehicle into a shopping center parking lot and continued to drive slowly. Deputies said they noticed Nutter reach for a cup in his car and dump out the contents before driving out of the parking lot. Nutter allegedly dialed 911 while the deputies were perusing him, investigators said. "My hands are on the wheel, sir, I have not done anything wrong," Nutter told the dispatcher. However, deputies said they approached Nutter's car when he finally stopped and discovered he had marijuana stuck to his face and the inside of the car from his apparent attempt to dump the illicit substance. Nutter was arrested on charges of making a false call to 911, possession of marijuana, and fleeing and eluding. *-- Motorized Walmart cart makes for poor getaway car --* FRUITPORT TOWNSHIP, Mich. (UPI) - An alleged shoplifter in Michigan made an ultra-low-speed getaway on a motorized Walmart shopping cart "because she didn't feel like walking," police said. Police said they were called Sept. 8 when a Walmart customer in Fruitport Township saw Shirley Mason, 46, leave the store's parking lot on a motorized shopping cart, officers located the suspect and an alleged male accomplice about two miles away from the store. Mason, who police said had an outstanding warrant for her arrest stemming from a previous incident at a Walmart store in Roosevelt Park, allegedly had up to $600 worth of stolen goods loaded into the $1,200 motorized cart. The police report said Mason told officers she took the cart "because she didn't feel like walking." Mason was arrested on a charge of organized retail crime in addition to the charge of second-degree retail fraud from the previous incident in Roosevelt Park. She is due in court Sept. 23. The 53-year-old man with Mason was also arrested on an alleged parole violation, police said. His name was not released. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) ,---. / /\ | /O( \_/ _/ ___) (___ .' // \\ `. .' _/ \ / \_ `. / /( `-' )\ \ ( < \ -' `- / > ) `. \__) (__/ .' `.__} {__.' / `._.' \ | | | | | | \ | / \ | / (_ | _) | | | | | | \ | / \ | / )|( / | \ \_|_/ hjw >Buying a Bathing Suit... WELL WORTH THE CHUCKLE! When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got it home, I found a label that read, Material might become transparent in water. So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt! You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit! "You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future" Today someone asked me if I liked you. I laughed, and I said, "Ha! That's funny! I LOVE that chick!! She's funny, caring, crazy as heck, sweet, beautiful, she's reading this email right now & I love her!" Send this to five ladies you love! Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says: "Oh Crap, She's up!" --- ...LOL! A great classic! Thanks Geniann! ============================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: oxoxoo ooxoo ooxoxo oo oxoxooo oooo xxoxoo ooo ooox oxo o oxoxo xoxxoxo oxo xooxoooo o ooo ooo\oo\ /o/o \ \/ / | / | | | D| | | | | ______/____\____ Christopher S McDowell When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. "How much do you want for the trees?" a young man asked. -<>- The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now." -<>- A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!" Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and cried, "Hey, what's the idea? I got here two hours before he did!" -<>- A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people." -<>- During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob." The bishop rose to close the session and remarked sympathetically, "That's okay. We like big boobs." -<>- Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. That night, Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" -<>- The newspaper where I worked had just announced that when its new building was completed, the old one would be donated to the United Way. A few days later, someone came into our office soliciting contributions to that same organization. "I'm sorry," one reporter quipped. "We gave the office." ========================================================= >-->From The Jokester: _|_ | .-'''''-. .-' '-. .-' :::::_::::: '-. ___/ ==:...:::-:::...:== \___ /_____________________________\ ':'-._________________________.-'_ ':::\ @-,`-[-][-^-][-]-`,-@ / _| |_ '::| .-------------------. ||_ @ _| ::|=|* ___ _ ___ *|=|'.| | ':| |' ))_) )) ))_) '| |::.^| _:|=|' ((`\ (( (( '|=|::::::. _| || |' _ '| |:::::::. |_ |=|'1634 _( )_ 1789'|=|':::::. | || |' ( (_ ~ _) ) '| | ':::' |^||=|* ) (_) ( *|=| '::' | '-------------------' .::::' |_____________________.::::::' .'___________________.::::::'' |_______________.::::'':::''' .'_____________.::::::''::::'' .:::'''' LGB .'::::' .:::::''':. .:::::' >Remarkable Obituary Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing. -<>- >Angry Blonde A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..." -<>- .---. (_---_) (_/6 6\_) ( v ) `\ /' .-'': ;``-. / \,Y./ \ / (:)___ \ : .-'XXX`-.`\_; `.__.-XXX-.__.'\_ / / XXX \ \ `\_ / XXX \ `\ / XXX \ _`\___ jgs / \ (`--"""-') / \ (=-=-=-=-) `--...___ ___...--' (________) Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company. Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." -<>- . .. __..---/______//-----. (( ) .".--.```| - /.--. =: ( VROOM! )) (.: {} :__L______: {} :__; __--( __- -_= ) *--* *--* jnh The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly. * Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. * I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. * The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. * The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. * I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. * In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. * I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. * The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. * I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. * The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. * I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. * I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. * As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. * My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. * An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. * I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. * I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. * The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Nanny Animals 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nannyanimals3.html Playing With Food 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/food3.html Fun With Nature! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nature.html Whale Rescue 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whalerescue2.html Deer Rescue! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/deerrescue.html Humor In Religion 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion3.html Parenting No-No's 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/parenting2.html Life's Little Oops 10! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops10.html Germany's Water Bridge! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wbridge.html No Words Necessary http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nowords2.html Maria The Goose http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/goose.html Amazing Football Facts! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/footballfacts.html -<>- >From Our Friend Bunni :) PEOPLE ARE AWESOME (DON'S VERSION) - YouTube http://www.youtube.com/embed/EEu42L0ufBY --- ...Cool! Thanks Bunni! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) Vacations don't have to be boring. The galaxy has been opened up to the tourism industry, and we can now visit the most exotic alien planets! https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=SiCNtW6RUb0 A look at our beautiful and amazing planet and the creatures that inhabit it. This video is like a short trip to an outdoor animal park as it features so many different wonderful animals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nmnMtbzzjE&feature=player_embedded The NFL's biggest fan is a dog Plenty of people across the country were very glad when the football season began last week. But, no one was as excited as this dog. Click here to see his reaction when the game comes on the TV screen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCfZOIDXqpI&feature=player_embedded --- ...LOL! Too cute! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- >From Our Friend Bunni :) OLD AMERICA and the way Things Were! http://extras.denverpost.com/archive/captured.asp --- ...Wow. Pretty Interesting! We seem so clean now. HaHa! Thanks Bunni! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) Alice Herz-Sommer - YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGkUWrt2RFw 10 RARE "LOST" CLASSIC '60s TV THEMES - YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqx-D0440pA&feature=related At 100-Years-Old She Finally Marries The Man Of Her Dreams. http://tinyurl.com/nrwb8ba --- ...Wow! Thanks Melody! -<>- >From Our Friend Deci :) A MUSLIM PRIEST'S CONVERSION TO CHRISTIANITY. NOW AS PART OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, HE SPEAKS IN DETAIL ABOUT WHAT WE MUST KNOW, ESPECIALLY THOSE CHRISTIANS LIVING IN THE MIDDLE EAST. Mario Joseph, Muslim Imam convert to Christianity His Testimony: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjUXd4qW9mg --- ...Most Interesting! Sweet! Thanks Deci! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus. A teenage boy to his father... "Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished high school." --Charles Almon in The Wall Street Journal "Your high school reunion. You get that letter in the mail and you feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself." --Drew Carey "AMC is coming out with a spin-off of 'The Walking Dead' that will show the apocalypse in other parts of the world. It's called 'The News.'" -Jimmy Fallon "It was a terrifying day here in L.A. The City of Angels has been struck by a disaster called 'light rain.' The rush hour here was crazy. The highways were jammed. Traffic was bumper to bumper and people were driving like idiots all over the place. Then it started to rain." -Craig Ferguson "Today is the 48th anniversary of the first episode of 'Star Trek.' And if you already knew that, it's probably the only anniversary you have to remember." -Seth Meyers Recently we called a business phone number and heard the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone. "I think the bottom-line difference between being single and married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment." --Tom Hertz >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? 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