Three Weddings, A Dog Knows, And more... :) Shangy!
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================
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================
>-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
We have two super duper hotties today!
The first one comes from our friends PatDeE and
LouiseA. This one is sure to give you some chuckles!
The video at the end is just mind blowing! Check
this one out here...
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Life's Little Oops 12!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops12.html
---
...I do so love this series! Thank You PatDeE and LouiseA!
This next one is from our friend Bunni. Can't get enough
of our sweet dog friends! These dog breeds will make you
want to reach out and touch them! Check it out here...
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Dogs With Beautiful Long Fur!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogfur.html
---
... Hard to pick a favorite here! Thanks Bunni!
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone: The Young Couple
As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers lane, she sighed
romantically: "Its lovely out here tonight just listen to the
crickets."
/\ ,,
"Those aren't crickets," /\OOOO()= jgs
her date replied. ` ``
"They're zippers."
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
Three Weddings
A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak..
"Father, I am going to marry!"
His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila...
"Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is
her name?"
"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."
"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy," says the son..
"Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both,"
replies Moisha.
But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel
and Chutzpah...
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too
will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...
"What is her name," implores the father?
"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..."
"Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy, father..."
"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha...
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.. "Please God... let
my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise
nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"
Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I
am to wed in the spring!"
"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands?
"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy!
"Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks,
"Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"
"No..." says Chutzpah...
"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter
Rachel from Hollywood?"
"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah...
"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most
beautiful Son?"
"Whoopi." says Chutzpah.
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
July 21 is National Junk Food Day
July 22 is Hammock Day
July 23 is National Hot Dog Day and Vanilla Ice Cream Day
July 24 is Cousins Day
July 25 is Threading the Needle Day
July 26 is Aunt and Uncle Day
July 27 is Take Your Pants for a Walk Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
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>At the Restaurant
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are
plastered with movie memorabilia.
I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned,
I found my 10-year-old granddaughter staring at a poster of Superman
standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled.
"She doesn't know who Superman is?" I asked my husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."
-<>-
>Dow Bowl
I was shopping in a pet store when I overheard a woman singing the
praises of a particular water bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded, holding the doggie
dish out for her husband's inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things: "Dear, he drinks out of the
toilet."
-<>-
>McDonalds
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a
quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill
back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're
sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at Mickie-D's. Or do. Who knows, you might
get lucky.
-<>-
>On the Scale
It's my job to weigh and measure the children who come in to the
doctor's office where I work.
After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-
year-old onto the scale, her mother said, "Honey, Mommy has a scale at
home. Do like I do and stand on it."
Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on
the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, darn!"
-<>-
>Pain Scale
When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on
duty.
"On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no
pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your
pain level is now?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."
=========================================================
>-->Story Time From Our Friend Linda :)
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>Dogs Know
Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you
don't and you may even decide you need one!
Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named 'Lucky.' Lucky was a real
character.
Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would
warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would
help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would
forget and something would come up missing.
Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the
treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys. Lucky
always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that
his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told
her she was going to die of this disease......in fact; she was just
sure it was fatal.
She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The
night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A
thought struck her....what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-
year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through.
If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand
that I didn't want to leave him! The thought made her sadder than
thinking of her own death.
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had
anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took
Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped,
whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived
home Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to
her bedroom
Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap..
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called.
It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong.
She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic
soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was
covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned!
While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the
basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life.
He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again,
walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years
now and Mary is still cancer-free.
Lucky?
He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary
remains his greatest treasure.
Remember.....live every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing
from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our
lives are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or
the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.
If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours!
Live simply.. Love seriously.
Care deeply.. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
A small request
All you are asked to do is keep this circulating.
Dear God,
I pray for the cure of cancer in JESUS CHRIST'S NAME
Amen
All you are asked to do is keep this circulating,
even if it is only to one more person, in memory of
anyone you know that has been struck down by
cancer or is still fighting their battle.
---
...Aww, such a heartwarming story! Thank You Linda!
I lost my mom and sister and many friends to cancer.
I pray God gives us more and more means to fight it!
Dear God:
May all our love ones with cancer now be healed in the
Name of Jesus Christ and remain cancer free!
Amen!
============================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)
_
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>SMILES
Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical
island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me,
sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being
played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and
a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom.
Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at
me to keep teaching.
--------
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law
Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my
wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife
Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving
forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is
something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately
and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .......she never
got your E-mail!"
-------
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room
for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could
not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that
they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them
to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing
upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really
important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any
more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and
said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
-------
A senior citizen goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, I have sex
only once a week."
The doctor asks, "How old are you ?"
The patient replies "Seventy-five. "
Wait now. You're 75 and have sex once a week. I think that's
wonderful. What are you complaining about ?"
"My neighbor is almost eighty years old, and he says he has sex three
times a week, every week."
The doctor smiled and said, "I can easily solve your problem. From
now on, you say the same thing."
--------
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor
tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear
first?"
Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years
left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going
to forget everything I told you."
--------
Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked, "Who
was the first man?" "If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the
embarrassed coed, "I'd rather not tell."
--------
There was this Magician on a ship performing every night.
Not noticing, the captains parrot watches him every night as he
performs the same tricks.
After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to
tell the audience.
After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started
to sink.
Everyone ran to the life boats.
It so happen that the Magician went overboard and managed to hold one a
flat piece of board that the parrot was on.
After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says "Ok,
what did you do with the ship?"
--------
A man who was riding on a bus went up to the driver and
whispered in his ear, "That man back there sitting across
from us is scaring my wife and children to death.
He's crazy! He claims he is George Washington."
"Thanks for telling me, mister," the bus driver said.
"I'll take care of him."
At the next stop the driver shouted loud and clear,
"This stop, Mt. Vernon."
--------
A lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
"You have just testified that you heard the shot at exactly
11:32 p.m.? How did you know what time it was? Did you look
at your watch?"
"No," the witness said. "I looked at the sundial in the garden."
"That's stupid," screamed the lawyer. "How could you tell time
by a sundial at 11:32 at night?"
"I had a flashlight," the witness said.
-------
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a
knock at the door.
He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
"What do you want?" asks the owner.
"I want a beer," says the snail.
"First of all, we're closed, and second of all, we don't serve snails.
So go away!"
The snail begs and pleads for a beer.
The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.
ONE YEAR LATER....
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a
knock at the door.
He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
"What'd you do that for?" asks the snail.
---
...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseA!
==============================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
>From BizarreNews:
Well, apparently black is white, up is down, east is west,
your vote counts, and the world is a more tranquil place
thanks to President O'Bama's administration.
This was the revelation made by White House press secretary
Josh Earnest earlier this week during a press briefing.
Ignoring the near collapse of Iraq, the veritable civil war
in Syria, the crisis in Iran, the bombings in Israel (and
the subsequent retaliations), the usurpation of the Ukraine,
the territorial disputes in the South China Sea, the spying
scandal with Germany, not to mention the unprecedented flood
of illegal aliens fleeing South and Central America for the
U.S. border, no, according to The White House the world is
is becoming more tranquil place day-by-day.
And this, folks, is how 'doublespeak' works.
While anybody who can read the news knows in his or her
rational mind that the world right now is boiling with unrest
and conflict, they hear the voice of authority say the exact
opposite and a conflict of two realities is set up in their
mind.
They may know it is an "untruth", but a subtle form of brain-
washing is taking place. In politics perception is reality,
so if you spread the same lie, even if it is an obvious and
barefaced lie, it will gain some traction and the 'perception'
will grow.
Either that or the president's staff is completely delusional.
Or I am.
-<>-
Police say a drunk man at San Francisco International Airport
posed as a TSA agent and patted down two women in a screening
area.
The 53-year-old was a ticketed passenger who had passed through
a security checkpoint and began drinking at an airport lounge.
After a few hours, he approached a female traveler and
convinced her to go into a private booth with him.
The man somehow obtained plastic blue gloves, and he looked
the part of a TSA agent because he was wearing khaki pants and
a blue polo shirt.
Officers said it is unclear what exactly happened inside
the private booth but they think he may have groped the
woman. TSA agents later spotted the man as he took another
unsuspecting female into the booth. They confronted and
detained him until police arrived.
Somebody needs to give this guy a job. If he can talk not
one but two women into letting him feel them up, and all after
he drank 5 or 6 Manhattans, that is a skill that need to be
put to productive use. Maybe the TSA should have drinks at
every checkpoint. Might make everyone relax and things run
much smoother.
He was arrested for public drunkenness but may face additional
charges.
*-- Waitress in China shocks diners by eating cockroach following
complaints --*
CHENGDU, China (UPI) - A waitress in China shocked
customers at her restaurant by swallowing an entire
cockroach off a customer's plate on purpose. A
businessman, Zhang Yen, who was dining at a hotel
restaurant in Chengdu was not pleased when he found a
cockroach in his salad and he made his opinion known. His
server, Jin Kuo, informed him that finding the bug in his
food was "completely normal." To show that she meant what
she said, the 39-year-old snatched up the roach and
swallowed it whole. Thanks to a customer who picked up a
cellphone, the entire incident was captured on camera. In
the video, Kuo can reportedly be heard saying, "No matter
which restaurant you go to, you will always find
cockroaches in the food. It is very normal." Maybe he was
impressed by what he had seen, or disgusted, but Yen
didn't argue any further and simply paid his bill and
left. The restaurant owner has since apologized for the
culinary cockroach display.
*-- Man uses jail phone call to order pizza after arrest for allegedly
stealing beer --*
CORBIN, Ky. (UPI) - According to Kentucky police, a
shoplifting suspect who was arrested on suspicion of
stealing $36 worth of beer didn't call someone to come
bail him out during booking -- he called Domino's. While
Corbin police were booking Michael Harp for shoplifting
and alcohol intoxication in public, he allegedly asked to
use his cellphone. A short while later, a Domino's
deliveryperson showed up with five pies. According to
police, they were able to link the call back to Harp's
cellphone. Harp reportedly told the pizzeria that his
name was "Captain Wilson," one of the officers who helped
arrest him. He denies ordering the pizzas. "I'm wrongfully
accused on this here. They've charged me with two felonies
over this pizza deal because I had my phone inside the
holding cell," Harp told WKYT. "There was about 10 people
who probably used the phone, so it's hard to say. Like I
said, I never heard anyone say a word about Domino's
pizzas. Any of it." Thanks to the pizza prank, Harp is
facing additional charges of theft of identity, theft by
deception and impersonating a police officer. He plans on
fighting the matter in court.
*-- Poltergeist turns out to be woman on 'meth rampage' --*
SEATTLE (UPI) - Even if you "ain't afraid of no ghost,"
you may want to be wary of "meth rampages." A Seattle
couple called police after they returned to their condo
and discovered that it looked like a scene from Paranormal
Activity. The place was completely trashed and their mail
and clothing had been strewn throughout the home. The
unknown perpetrator had also "smeared lotion on a door
handle, removed the inner soles from all of their shoes,
screwed a single screw into a piece of scrap wood and
placed an upside-down can of paint on top of their toilet."
After a purse with a 27-year-old woman's ID card was
found, Seattle Police Department officers were called to
the scene. The woman was nowhere to be found, so they
departed. Police returned after the couple called them
back to the scene when they started hearing noises from
under the bed. The mystery woman appeared "to be having
a panic attack." According to the SPD, "the woman informed
police she had been on a 'meth rampage' for several days
and had also broken into another home around the block
earlier in the evening." She was arrested and booked for
investigation of burglary.
*-- Michigan woman shoots herself in face while trying to 'make a
point' with shotgun --*
FREMONT TOWNSHIP, Mich. (UPI) - A Michigan woman who tried
to use a shotgun to "make a point" during a family argument
ended up shooting herself in the face. After grabbing the
gun, the Fremont Township woman slammed its butt-end onto
the floor, causing the gun to go off and fire into her
face. When police responded after receiving reports of a
gunshot victim, they found the 51-year-old with a facial
wound. She reportedly told officers that she wanted to
use the firearm to "make a point." The woman was taken to
St. Mary's of Michigan in Saginaw and she is expected to
make a full recovery. Michigan police will continue to
investigate the incident, but no charges have been filed
at this time.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
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/ __ | ______________________
\____-------------______/ \ / \
/ / / / _/ ---| it theemth |
/ \ / / / | i thlighly |
/ $ / / | mithtook |
/ / / | your meaning there, |
| | / | buthtah !!! |
\______________// \______________________/
\________/
unknown
>IDIOT SIGHTINGS:
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please."
She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same
size."
When I got up off the floor, I explained it to her....
When my wife and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know.
I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did
not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made
at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I
responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window, and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my
request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry, but
we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine...
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more
often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate, because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please
remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ..... and they VOTE!!
---
...LMAO! Great Classic! Thanks Geniann!
=====================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
___
/___\ ___
___/_____\___ /\ _\___
///o_\o\\ ((\\ \
___ \ //\\/ )o)\\ / __..--~~~--..__
. ~~~---...___ ___/\ _ /\__ ___...--~~ \_((\\_/\ . . . ____
. . /# #\/\ /\/ #\ . ___.. _)((\ \__..---~~~
. . __..-/# # # #o # # #\--~~~ /\\))(\__/ . .
__..---~~~ /# /|# # # # |\# \ . / /())))))) .
\ #\| # #o# #|/ #/ / //()))))))
. \# \# # # # /# / \ \_())))))\ \|/
\|/ \_#\# #o# /_#/ \ \)____( / .
_v_/ \____/__\_______. \ /____\/ .
_____.-~(__\\\/____(((______()() (/ \
/ _/[()'-------'| / \
\____.-~ | /\ | / \ \|/
. | || | /____________\
| || | | /\ |
\|/ | || | | / \ | .
. | || | \|/ ( \ / )
|___||___| |_| )_|
|* || *| . | | | | .
. _| || |_ _| / \ |_ JRO
/__/)_||_(\__\ <_/\\ //\_> \|/
"You think I MEANT to be late fer supper? Rustlers
tried to steal the herd on the back forty, the
crick has flooded in the south pasture, the Kiowas
staged another uprisin', a brushfire has burnt out
the north flat, a twister done blowed away the barn,
and on top of all that -- my dang horse demanded
to stop at the saloon fer a bottle of red-eye."
-Jonathon R. Oglesbee
A man was walking in the country when he saw a pig with a
wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was wondering what
happened to the pig, the pig's owner came along. The man
asked the farmer how the pig came to have a wooden leg.
The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our
house caught fire last April and he dragged my kids to
safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost
drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me
to shore!"
"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
"Oh, no. Just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road
onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window
and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"
the farmer said.
"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.
"No, sir," replied the farmer.
"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
"Well, sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that
terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once!"
-<>-
When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where
occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down.
One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.
A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed.
"You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like,
twenty years younger."
-<>-
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he
tapped the teacher on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to
scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades....
somebody is going to get a spanking."
-<>-
People in a small town can exhibit extraordinary levels of
trust. I was collecting shopping carts outside the grocery
store where I work when a man and woman pulled up in a brand-
new sports car. Noticing the dealer plates and the price
sticker on the window, I assumed the couple were deciding
whether to buy the vehicle.
"Test drive?" I asked.
The man gave me a long, careful stare. "I guess," he shrug-
ged and tossed me the keys.
-<>-
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time
playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy to
focus more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to
his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books
by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was
President of The United States!"
-<>-
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his
wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money
to buy what we started saving for way back in 1999."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," he replies, "a 1999 Cadillac."
-<>-
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time
playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy to
focus more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to
his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books
by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was
President of The United States!"
-<>-
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his
wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money
to buy what we started saving for way back in 1999."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," he replies, "a 1999 Cadillac."
=========================================================
>-->From AndyChaps:
>Andy Says... Just Think About That!
:
'. _ .'
-= (~) =-
.' # '.
/"""""
| (')')
C _)
\ _|
\__/
<___Y>
/ \ :\\
/ | :|\
|___| :|/\
| | :|\ \
\ \ :| \ \_
\ \==L| \\\
///` ||
| ||
| ||
| ||
| ||
| ||
| ||
[___]]
jgs (____))
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
**"You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can
change your direction overnight." - Jim Rohn
===========================
**"Change brings opportunity." -- Nido Qubein
===========================
**"Restlessness is discontent, and discontent is the first
necessity of progress." -- Thomas Edison
==========================
**The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we
live. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have
guided missiles and misguided men.
- Martin Luther King, Jr
===========================
**Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit
down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when
it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines
Satchel Paige, Hall of Fame Baseball Player
**Things could be worse...Martha Stewart could be your
mother-in-law.
**Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have
never forgotten this.
**Dry cleaners are often pressed for time.
**Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all.
**Sour grapes can turn into WHINES.
*grin* It makes "them" wonder! ~AIKEN~
-<>-
>Notice
.---.
/==()=\
#_ _#
( e` `e )
| U |
\ = /
|\___/|
___/: :\___
/` < `\ /` > `\
/ `\ |_| /` \
; [MD] \| |/ |I! ;
jgs | | | |"""| |
| | \ / \___/ |
| | Y | |
TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resources
**It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that
many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction
lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using
slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
**Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up
heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
**Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
**Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body
crunch) or "hamburger helper".
**Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases
like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration
syndrome." Remember: You are hospital employees. Not politicians!
**HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
**Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
**Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
**The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".
**Finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain).
**I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of
our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper,
narratives and log entries.
Sincerely,
Director of Human Resources
-<>-
.---.
,;;;, / _ _ \
///\\\\ # . . #
\/. .\/ ( \ )
( \ ) \ = /
\ - / ./'---'\.
.-/_'-'_\-. /`/ \`.`/ \`\
/ `:` \ ; ,\ | . | /, ;
; , : , ; | | >| . |< | |
| | : | | | | \| . |/ | |
\ \ : / / | | | . | | |
\ '._:_.' / | | |===| | |
'._/ { \_.' | | | | | |
| `-'-` | |-|_/ \_ \_|-|
| , | \_| | |_/
| | | |_ | _|
|_ | _| | | |
| | | | | |
| | | | | |
|___|___| |___|___|
/ / \ \ / / \ \
jgs(__/ \__) (__/ \__)
Government Office Rules
**If it rings, put it on hold.
**If it clanks, call the repairman.
**If it whistles, ignore it.
**If it's a friend, take a break.
**If it's the boss, look busy.
**If it talks, take notes.
**If it's handwritten, type it.
**If it's typed, copy it.
**If it's copied, file it.
**If it's Friday, forget it!
-<>-
>Only The Rich Have It:
A simple old lady was visiting wealthy friends who had just bought
an elaborate estate in the country. She had been shown the house,
the gardens, and the lake. "And now, Elizabeth," continued the
proud owner, "let me show you the apiary."
"Thank you very much," replied the visitor apprehensively. "But I'd
rather not. I've always been afraid of apes."
-<>-
>Steve and Tina's Anniversary (or A Blonds's Revenge)
Steve and Tina were married for 40 years and decided they
wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy
wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she
started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One
of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with
the dress. Tina replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match
her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend
said, "So Steve, I guess you are going barefoot
-<>-
| / / / / /
\ | / / / / /
\ _ _
\ \ / \/ \
.-\ \o/\o/_
( ( \
'- ,____/
| |
| '--;-'
| __/
jgs | /
/ `--.`\
<__ '-'.
`"""""```
Short Takes:
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no
apparent reason. Why just the other day, she got mad
when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.
I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate or are you going
to get the work done?"
-----
My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said My Dad,
"I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I
asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she
can't sing."
------
A cheapskate was shopping for an inexpensive birthday gift for his
friend. The only thing he could find in his price range was a badly
broken vase. He bought it for almost nothing and asked the store to
ship it, figuring his friend would think it was broken in the mail. A
week later he received a note: 'Many thanks for the vase. It was nice
of you to wrap each piece separately.'
------
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether
or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
-<>-
**The newscaster who reported hurricanes really knew how to
talk up a storm.
**Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.
**My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
**Hitch hiking is not a good rule of thumb.
-<>-
Can't Fool Some Things:
,
_.-"` `'-.
'._ __{}_(
|'--.__\
( ^_\^
| _ |
)\___/
.--'`:._]
jgs / \ '-.
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to
lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer
didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable
as possible.
He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting
at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are
ya?"
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if
that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common
on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find
them circling the back end of a horse."
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you
trying to call me a horse's behind?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for
law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies,
though."
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Miracle In Utah!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/utah.html
Highway To Hell!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dirt.html
Amazing Air Cars!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/aircars.html
Leopard Vs Crocodile!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/leopard.html
Patriot Fire/Rescue!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/patriot.html
Road Train Trucks!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/roadtrain.html
Amazing Cop Cars 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/copcars2.html
Advertising Truck Art!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/truckart.html
Guoliang Tunnel Road!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tunnel.html
-<>-
>From our own Victor :)
Anchor as an Early Christian Symbol
http://www.jesuswalk.com/christian-symbols/anchor.htm
---
...Good read! Thanks Victor!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Melody :)
Irish Dance World Champions 2009
http://allirishdance.com/youtube-irish-dance-world-champions-2009
An Unexpected Visitor Trapped On The Porch
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152188103317499&fref=nf
The Minimalist Mom
http://www.theminimalistmom.com/
Tractor bloopers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Em8ZPZUny_o
---
...LOL! Thanks Melody!
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseA :)
A super moon lit up the night sky across the globe. If you didn't get a
chance to see it, check out this great footage from Greece. The moon's
size and color will amaze you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMAT7-qQWLs&feature=player_embedded
Is there a better way to add some fun to your day than watching animals
do hilarious things? Maybe, but it's pretty high on my list, I'll tell
you that much for nothing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=H04TJgWcVvU
This whimsical mansion was built by someone who probably influenced
your life. The $90 million price tag definitely accounts for nostalgia.
Do you think the house is worth it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArObfu2Wkxo&feature=player_embedded
Seeing Mr. Bean at the 2012 London Olympics reminded us of countless
moments of laughter and enjoyment we've had over the years with the
antics of Mr. Bean. A multinational icon, rude and crude Mr. Bean has
managed to delight countless people around the world. This following
scene was voted as one of the funniest Mr. Bean moments of all time -
The Case of the Missing Pants.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=d2nl9FtXxTs
---
...LOL! Good Ones! Thanks LouiseA!
=========================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"This crazy weather we've been having all over the country -
it's because the polar vortex is back. The polar vortex is
causing the Midwest to experience fall-like temperatures. I
can't tell if climate change is still a problem or if God
just put the Earth on 'Shuffle.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"The border crisis continues. And a new poll shows the
majority of Americans disapprove of how President Obama is
dealing with immigration. Of course, those numbers could
change if he lets more people into America." -Seth Meyers
"Kim Kardashian has a new iPhone app that experts say could
make her $200 million this year. But keep in mind she has
to give 10 percent to her manager, 10 percent to her agent,
and 10 percent to Satan." -Conan O'Brien
"Now the FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so
the president can interrupt any TV program. 'We interrupt
this program so the president can tell America what he had
for lunch: a good bowl of matzo ball soup. This concludes
today's presidential lunch update.'" -Dave Letterman
"A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new
vegetable called Brussel-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels
sprouts and kale. They said, 'We got the idea from a child's
nightmare.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Today, Lay's announced that cappuccino is one of the
finalists for their new chip flavor contest. And if you
think that sounds bad, wait until you try Starbucks' new
Sour Cream and Onion Latte." -Seth Meyers
"The oldest living person in the United States is 116 years
old. People always pester the old people. They asked her,
'How did you get so old? What's your secret?' And the woman
said, 'Well, I was born a really long time ago.'" -Dave Letterman
"The baseball team in Philadelphia is the Phillies. I always
thought that was kind of a lazy name. It's like calling a
team the New York Yorkies or the Atlanta Ta-Ta's." -Craig Ferguson
"This summer New Yorkers will be able to order delivery food
to sunbathing spots in Central Park. Although if you have to
order delivery to the place where you're sunbathing, you
probably shouldn't be sunbathing." -Seth Meyers
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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