Tips For Rednecks And More ... :) Shangy!
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Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
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you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!
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================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here...
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!!
================
"We are each of us angels with but one wing,
and can only fly by embracing each other"
-Luciano Decrescenzo
~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~
*~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels For 2010 *~*
>Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel?
If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2010
Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click
on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up.
Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed!
PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help:
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*~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY!
================
*~* Here's Hoping Everyone had a Blessed Thanksgiving Holiday!
================
>-->In The 'Shangy' News :)
Well I had a great Thanksgiving with God and family! Then I got
blindsided over the weekend with the intestinal flu. I'm getting
over it but it is still draining. Needless to say, today's
Smiles will be on the 'trim' side with few ASCII Graphics.
Thanks for your understanding.
-<>-
>From Carl Jewett:
My name is Carl Jewett and I'm the Veteran Liaison for the
Mesothelioma Center (Asbestos.com); I'm also the Executive
Director of the Veterans Assistance Network, and a retired
Lieutenant Commander in the US Navy. While I was browsing
through a number of Veterans sites I came across your website
and was very impressed by the information you have listed.
Countless veterans are currently suffering from life-threatening
illnesses that are a result of exposure to asbestos, a material
that was commonly used in hundreds of military applications,
products, and ships because of its resistance to fire.
The Mesothelioma Center provides a complete list of occupations,
ships, and shipyards that could have put our Veterans at risk
for developing asbestos-related diseases. In addition, they
have thousands of articles regarding asbestos and mesothelioma
and they've even created a veterans-specific section on their
website in order to help inform them about the dangers of
asbestos exposure.
Because so many veterans visit your site, I thought that you may
be interested in helping to educate veterans about the dangers
of asbestos exposure by linking to our website, or possibly
posting some information on mesothelioma and veterans from
your page shangralafamilyfun.com/freedom.html. . .
Carl Jewett
Mesothelioma Center
Asbestos.com
---
...I have added their link to the page he mentioned.
They appear to be a wonderful resource. All of you who are interested
or may of know of someone who may need this information, here is their
link:
http://www.asbestos.com/
====================================================================
>-->From The FunnyBone:
___________
> So You Think You're Computer-Illiterate? |.---------.|
|| ||
Check out the following excerpts from a || ||
Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton: || ||
|'---------'|
1. Compaq is considering changing the `)__ ____('
command "Press Any Key" to "Press [=== -- o ]--.
Return Key" because of the flood of __'---------'__ \
calls asking where the "Any" key is. jgs [::::::::::: :::] )
`""'"""""'""""`/T\
2. AST technical support had a caller \_/
complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system couldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a
couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find
a couple of geek."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked
"What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have
any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the
CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
___________
|.---------.|
@)___||_ ||_______
8*8888*888{______}error ||_______>
@) ||_________||
`----)-(----`
____[=== o]___
|::::::::::::::|\
jgs `-============-`()
===============================================================
+------------- Bizarre December Holidays --------------+
December 1 is National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day
December 2 is National Fritters Day
December 3 is National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
December 4 is Wear Brown Shoes Day
December 5 is National Sacher Torte Day
December 6 is National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day
December 7 is National Cotton Candy Day
December 8 is Take It In The Ear Day
December 9 is National Pastry Day
December 10 is Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into
the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for
a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who
was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.
Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I
explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as
the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try anther school for
a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her
grades?"
-<>-
Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my
sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should
pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the
refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
-<>-
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to
choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down
his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his
throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a pan of warm water. "Ok, after
the tablet dissolves, you can sit here and soak that foot for
at least 20 minutes."
--
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to
my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said
that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said, inconsolable. "Men are good for only
one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"
-<>-
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting
and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild
game.
I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I
set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table,
my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice in pizzas lived in the woods."
-<>-
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a
lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those
hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in
front of me said it was Greece."
==============================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
>From BizarreNews:
+-------------- Bizarre Newspaper Headlines ---------------+
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Expert Says School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarians Take Over
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved Ones
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
-<>-
-- Man surfs for 26 straight hours -----------
SAN CLEMENTE, Calif. - A California wave rider set a world
record by surfing for 26 consecutive hours, his employer
said. Surf gear maker Michael Figueroa said his employee,
Bill Laity, 37, of San Clemente, broke the previous
Guinness World Record of 24 hours by surfing for a full
26 consecutive hours off the Huntington Beach Pier with
5 minute breaks per hour, The Orange County (Calif.)
Register reported Monday. Figueroa said Laity braved
wind and rain during his attempt, which ended Sunday at
9:26 a.m. The attempt is being submitted to Guinness.
-- Store has second deodorant theft in a week ------
ATHENS, Ga. - Police in Georgia said a man attempted to
steal several deodorant sticks from a pharmacy that was
struck by a similar crime a week earlier. Athens-Clarke
County police said the man was caught on a security camera
fleeing the store Friday with nine sticks of deodorant in
four varieties stuffed into his cargo pants, the Athens
Banner-Herald reported Monday. Police said the incident
took place exactly one week after employees stopped a
woman from stealing 12 deodorant sticks from the shelves.
Police were searching for the latest thief.
-In Archives...
-- Man: Intruder cooked and ate steak -------------
PEORIA, Ill. - A Peoria, Ill., man told police a home
intruder had apparently cooked and eaten a steak at his
home while he was away. The homeowner told police he
returned home at about 9:45 p.m. Saturday after being
gone since 11 a.m. and found a window broken, the Peoria
Journal Star reported. Police reports said the man was
unable to find anything missing from his home until he
looked in the kitchen and discovered a $6 steak that he
had been defrosting was missing. The man said the intruder
had left dirty dishes in the sink, a dirty skillet on the
stove and used paper towels on the counter.
-- Man gets 50 traffic tickets after chase ----------
BOYTON BEACH, Fla. - Police in Florida said a man was
issued 50 traffic citations after he led officers from
two cities in a chase that ended when he crashed his
vehicle. Authorities said Elvis Alonzo Barrett, 46, whose
driver's license has been revoked six times and suspended
28 times, refused to pull over in Boynton Beach when a
police officer attempted to stop him, and led police in
the city and in nearly Delray Beach on a chase that
included driving the wrong way on an Interstate 95 ramp
before crashing into another car at an intersection and
losing control of his vehicle, the South Florida Sun-
Sentinel reported. Barrett's sport utility vehicle over-
turned and came to rest after striking a fence, police
said. Boynton Beach police said Barrett was charged with
fleeing and eluding, reckless driving, felony habitual,
possession of cocaine, possession of paraphernalia and
leaving the scene of a crash involving damage after
Thursday's incident. He also received 50 traffic citations
for alleged offenses including speeding, running red
lights, improper change of lanes, being a habitual traffic
offender, fleeing and eluding and not wearing a seat belt.
Barrett could face additional charges from Delray Beach
police, authorities said.
-- Canadian woman offers free hugs --------------
TORONTO - A 26-year-old Canadian woman says she is offer-
ing free hugs for the third year in a row on the streets
of Toronto. "Some people will walk by smiling and other
people will come running because they love the hugs," said
Tanya Neumeyer, who took to the streets Sunday with her
older brother Ian in tow. The Neumeyers and a few friends
carried large signs saying "Free Hugs," which startled some
passersby and comforted others, The Toronto Star reported.
"It makes your day. More people should be hugging," said
Louise Collins, 54. Tanya Neumeyer said she was inspired
by the group We Are What We Do and the group's book "Change
the World for Ten Bucks: 50 Actions to Change the World."
As for offering hugs in February, Neumeyer said it may be
the shortest month but it seems like "the longest part of
winter" so more people need hugging.
-- Thai man, 88, earns law degree ---------------
NONTHABURI, Thailand - An 88-year-old man affectionately
known as Grandfather by those who know him says he is
pleased to have earned a law degree in Thailand. The
Bangkok Post said Monday that Sa-nguan Sunthornwong
graduated from Sukhothai Thammathirat Open University with
a degree in law after 12 years of classes. But Sunthornwong
insists he has no plans to rest following his recent
private graduation ceremony. "It's not over," the senior
law school graduate said. "I will continue studying until
the end of my days." Sunthornwong's determination comes
despite the fact the university's oldest graduate was
forced to miss the Jan. 23 graduation ceremony for his
graduating class. The 88-year-old had been unable to walk
or speak, forcing him to be hospitalized for 39 days.
Nonetheless, Sunthornwong told the Post he is now consider-
ing obtaining a master's degree to go with his law degree.
=========================================================
>-->50 yard line tickes for the superbowl
Thibodeaux had 50 yard line tickets for the Superbowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone
is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", says Thibodeaux, "Dat seat be empty, yeah."
That's incredible," said the man. "Who in their right
mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the
biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
Thibodeaux says, "Wail, dat seat belong wit me, yeah.
I wuz commin" wit my wife, but she done pass on.
Dis de first Superbowl we didn't came wit each otter since
we bin married in 1960.
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But
couldn't you find someone else---a friend or relative,
or even a neighbor to take the seat?
Thibodeaux shakes his head sadly. "No, dey all at de
funeral."
===========================================================
>-->MEASUREMENTS OF DISTANCE asi.Bree's Balderdash
While I was an instructor at the Marine Corps Engineer School
at Camp Lejeune, N.C., I was teaching a map-reading class.
"What are the different types of azimuths?" I asked my
students, referring to a measurement of distance from the
poles, used in navigation and surveying. "Grid azimuths"
was one answer.
"Magnetic azimuths" was another.
Then, from somewhere in the back, came: "Bronchial
azimuths." (There's one in every crowd, isn't there?)
==========================================================
>-->Sign Up Bonus
The pro football team had just finished their daily
practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto
the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the
turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after
pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted,
"You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to
it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know
is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
=============================================================
>-->From The FunnyBone:
Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT [~]
|=|
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you .-' '-.
tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so |-----|
as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. | ~~~ |
| ~~~ |
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, | XXX |
always hold it with your fingers |-----|
covering the label. jgs '-----'
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
.-"-.
1. A centerpiece for the table should never /) (\
be anything prepared by a taxidermist. / |6 6| \
\/\ Y`/\/
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, / ^ \
no matter how good his manners are. _; ;
/_| | | |
PERSONAL HYGIENE jgs (_|-|_)
___________ @ @
/ (@\ @ 1. While ears need to be cleaned
\___________/ _@ regularly, this is a job that
@ _/@ \_____ should be done in private using
@/ \__/-="="` one's OWN truck keys.
\_ /
<| 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall
<| bathing for several days. However, if
jgs <| you live alone, deodorant is a waste of
` good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is
the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school
on time.
.=@=.
THEATER ETIQUETTE / \
| ^.^ |
1. Crying babies should be ( (_) ) whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
taken to the lobby and .-'---'-.
picked up immediately / . . \
after the movie has ended. _/ /| , |\ \_
(__/{`"==="`}\__)
2. Refrain from talking to /\_ _/\
characters on the screen. _| /`"`\ |_
Tests have proven they jgs ( \ / \ / )
can't hear you. \_/ \_/
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice
,-==-, for a wedding gift.
\/\/\/
\\// 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5
.-''-. seconds may get you shot.
.'.-""-.'.---.
/ / .'\ \--.'. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux.
| | / /| | \ \ A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
\ \ | | / / | | clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
'.'-:\ \.' / / appearance.
'---; '-..-'.'
jgs `'----' 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to
socks and shoes for this special
DRIVING ETIQUETTE occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
========================================================================
>-->Hunting flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded
============================================================
>-->From AndyChap:
The Washington Post published a contest for readers
in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries: (Minus a few by Andy)
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
--
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
8. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.
9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
--
11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
12. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
13. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. --
-<>-
>The Three Gifts From Genie
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene
lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized. "I
can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give
you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very
large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow
afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly
asked his mother if anything had been delivered. "Yes," she replied.
"It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup
arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a
long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten
minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
-<>-
** Putting It Together **
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his
children and immediately started to assemble it with all the
neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.
After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to
fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon
an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in
a short while had the set completely assembled.
It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together
without even reading instructions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and
when you can't read, you've got to think."
-<>-
** No Offense Taken **
A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the members thought they
would have some fun with him. Under his name badge they printed, "Hog
Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge
was presented.
The Pastor responded by saying, " I usually am called the 'Shepherd of
the sheep'... ...but you know your people better than I do."
-<>-
** Wow! What Control You Have **
Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive
oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an
odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went
to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell
like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
-<>-
** I Know How You Feel **
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a
woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man just sat
there, alone and quiet.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a
little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said,
"I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller
too."
-<>-
** Telegram Exchange Plan **
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his
friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel--collect--package on
which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a
big block of concrete, which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
-<>-
** Blind Leading The Blind **
My friend Linda, her sister, and I were driving in the procession to
the cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative. "Since we don't
really know anybody, do you want to head on home?" she asked.
When her sister nodded, Linda made a right turn.
She had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when she
happened to look in her rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession
was still following us!
-<>-
*** You'll Be Next **
Adam is a young single man and attends a family wedding.
At the wedding he meets relatives that he hasn't seen for years.
One of his elderly Aunties, Aunt Betty, walks over to him and
gives him a hug and says, "You'll be next my love."
Four years pass by and another family wedding occurs. The same
Auntie says to him, "You'll be next my love."
By this time Adam is getting quite annoyed by his Aunt Betty's
words, as he doesn't want to get married. He really wants to
come up with some sort of response.
Five years pass on, and this time one of his Uncles has died. He
attends his funeral and sees Aunt Betty standing talking to other
relations. He walks up to her and says, "You'll be next my love."
-<>-
** Parking Lot Rules For The Not So Smart **
1. When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road,
don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from
passing
2. Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.
3. In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity
to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the
line, taking both.
4. As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is
empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull through
and take it from him.
5. Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other
driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
6. When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your
door really hard.
7. When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and
drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
8. When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to
make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of
the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
9. When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting
for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and
let the car behind you take it.
-<>-
** Greatest Books Not Written **
** NATIONS IN GREATNESS **
1) Canadian Tips on World Dominance
2) A Guide to Arab Democracies
3) Fat-free Indian Cooking
4) English Tanning Secrets
5) A Guide to Swiss Beaches
6) Spicy Irish Cooking
7) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns
8) Great Cars of Russia
9) Advances in Chinese Human Rights
10) French Hospitality
** PERSONALITIES IN TITLES **
1) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
2) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
3) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
** MISCELLANEOUS TITLES **
1) Easy UNIX
2) Honest Lawyers
3) Career Opportunities for History Majors
4) Everything Men Know About Women
5) The Amish Phone Book
6) Gypsy Sports Heroes
7) Around the World in a Peugeot
~~~ASB: Best Jokes ~~~
-<>-
** Things To Think About... Seriously **
** - The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
** - Banks have two things I love: money and holidays.
** - It's not true that married men live longer than single men ... it
just seems that way.
** - You may be nobody's fool now, but don't worry ... someone will
adopt you.
** - A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could
lose ALL your keys at once!
** - Repeat after me: we are all individuals!
** - If the NASA scientists are all so smart, why do they count
backwards?
** - I used to be indecisive ... I think.
** - A careful study of economics has recently revealed that the best
time to buy anything is last year.
** - You've heard that it takes two mystery writers to change a light
bulb? One to screw it almost all the way in and a second to give it a
surprise twist at the end.
** - For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
** - If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn't a coward take care of
cows?
** - I'm not cheap ... but I am on special this week.
** - I love defenseless animals ... especially in a good gravy.
** - Are televangelists the pro wrestlers of religion?
** - When I'm not in my right mind, well, my left mind can get pretty
crowded too.
=================================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
>What happens when you fall in love with:
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
บบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบบ
OK, hold your noses for this one:
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been
friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles
whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never
heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Self Talk
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/selftalk.html
Freedom Isn't Free!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/freedom.html
Come Adore Him!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/comeadorehim.html
Let's Dance!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dance.html
Flower Dog Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/flowerart2.html
Ice Sculpture Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ices.html
Aww Animals 4!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals4.html
Best Bed Positions!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bed.html
Checy Selling It!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chevysi.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend Wesley :)
qr code generator
http://tinyurl.com/26jkqnj
listen to the kernel
http://tinyurl.com/33vxmmz
free printable kindergarten activities
http://tinyurl.com/23ex3rz
---
...Great Links! Thanks Wesley!
-<>-
>From LynnLynn's Links:
Golf
http://www.buffaloschips.com/31816.htm
Igloo
http://www.buffaloschips.com/31817.htm
Store Closing
http://www.buffaloschips.com/31818.htm
Madcow
http://www.buffaloschips.com/31819.htm
Weird
http://www.buffaloschips.com/31820.htm
Hanging
http://www.buffaloschips.com/32826.htm
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they
previously thought was extinct. Scientists say the dolphin
is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce."
--Conan O'Brien
"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing
a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth
control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The
good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."
--Jay Leno
"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to
travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion
that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."
-Craig Ferguson
"As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different pre-
scription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to
God, you need a doctor's prescription to turn on the faucet."
-David Letterman
"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a
work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store
with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,
your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and
then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld
"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors,
Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to
become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think
maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to
have a girlfriend." --Jay Leno
In a national anthem survey, 79% of Americans know the first
line of the "Star-Spangled Banner," but only 37% of Canadians
know the first line to "Oh, Canada," which is really pathetic
considering the first line of "Oh, Canada" is "Oh, Canada."
-- Jay Leno
"There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have
been complimented myself a great many times, and they always
embarrass me -- I always feel that they have not said enough."
-- Mark Twain
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone."
-- Elayne Boosler
"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Unknown
"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of
your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone
is for you."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"You usually know who's going to win pro-wrestling--the guy
with the best nickname. Here, from Philadelphia, comes the
iron man, Mike 'The Hammer' Armstrong, and his opponent, all
the way from Scranton...Eugene!"
-- Dan Wilson
"I hate the expression 'A friend is a present you give your-
self.' Gag. A case of Heineken is a present you give yourself.
A friend is somebody you don't have to talk to once there's
food on the table."
--Sabrina Matthews
"There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can
cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will."
-- Anonymous
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a sup-
port group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at
the bar."
-- Drew Carey
Three warning signs that your boyfriend/girlfriend is bored:
1. Fewer passionate kisses.
2. Frequent sighing.
3. Moved, left no forwarding address.
-- Matt Groening
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN
HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Chrristian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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>TO SUBSCRIBE:
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