Two Can Play That Game & More ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================== "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo _ _ *"_"* *"_"* /_ `\ _..._ _..._ /`_`\ |/ `-.| .' '. .' '. ( / \ ) \^_^/ / \ , / ')\^_^/( __> <_/ \ , \`--' .--. (_.> <._)` '-' `\ .---. '--`/ jgs '.__.' '._/ \_/ \ \.' '.__.' >We Have A NEW 'Shangrala' ANGEL!!!!! YeeHaaa!! Let's Dance!!!!! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dance.html William Lysak has joined our 'Angel' ranks! His name is now listed as a Shangrala Angel on our top pages: Shangrala Home Page http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html Animated gifs A-E http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs.html Animated gifs F-J http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_f-j.html Animated gifs K-O http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_k-o.html Animated gifs P-T http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html Animated gifs U-Z http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html --- ...Thank You, Huggums, And God's Best To You William! -<>- >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is appreciated - even just 5 dollars! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY! ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) >We had a comment from our friend Wayne :) , , /////| ///// | ///// | |~~~| | | |===| |/| | B |/| | | I | | | | B | | | | L | / | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' This was for the teaching 'Genealogy Of Jesus Christ' http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/genealogyofjesuschrist.html Wayne was concerned that it had some errors. This teaching is strictly using the KJV of the bible so you may get confused if following along with another version. Also, it would be good to actually follow along with your own bible with it or use the on-line KJV link to follow along with it or follow along with the original teaching text here: http://www1.itech.net/~ydl/Genealogy_of_Jesus_Christ.htm If this is done, I think, it will be understood better or as with Wayne, you may want to discuss it with the original author of the teaching. , , /////| ///// | ///// | |~~~| | | |===| |/| | B |/| | | I | | | | B | | | | L | / | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' With this in mind, if Wayne agrees, I will add his notes at the end of this teaching and allow others to contact him. He feels there are a couple errors that should be made known and if he is correct, them I totally agree with him. Please Note: Most all the teachings on my site are from this site or from www.TruthOrTradition with just a few of them my own teachings. Most all the teachings use the KJV of the bible only. While I have been a biblical student for decades, I am not one who is a biblical scholar or any where close to being an expert in the field. I like to share what I have learned as the bible says we should, but I leave most of the hard core bible workings and teachings to those much more qualified and trained than I am. I have teachings on my site because I particularly like them, want to share them with others, and I don't ever want to loose them off of the net. Thank you for bringing this up Wayne! -<>- >HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press... We marked the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/hawaii/detail?&entry_id=32027 A day we will never forget. It is a reminder that we cannot let our vigilance down. God has warned us about that. 1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:" In honor of these and all our troops, AND thanks to our friend Viv, we have a hot new page... \\ ///// | | (| _ _ |) |` | '| | __ | >>>___/\_^__/\___<<< / ||| \ Mike Hertz Daily With The Troops 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/daily3.html AND Just for the fun of it, we have another awesome page that comes to us from a forward from our friend Sandi. Be sure to check it out... _______________________ |\_____________________/| || || || _ _ || || / ) / ) __ |_| || || / -|- / -- | || || `== `== ' || || _____ || ||______________#####__|| jgs |/_____________________\| Chalk Art 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart2.html --- ...Thank You Much Ladies! You make our day! *~* Please Be Sure To PASS THESE ON! Thank You! ================================================================= >-->From The FunnyBone: Two Free Tickets To The Show _ mMm _[_]_ A young couple got married and went away on /(")\ (") their honeymoon. After two weeks they came //)^(\\//:\\ back and finally put away all of the presents /(/&@&\\/|~|/ they received from friends and family. Since / /-~`~-\ ||| this was a new home, the process took some `/ \||| time. `----------'-- The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line. "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!" =============================================================== +--------------- Bizarre December Holidays ----------------+ December 21 is Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day, National French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day December 22 is National Date-Nut Bread Day December 23 is Roots Day December 24 is National Egg Nog Day December 25 is National Pumpkin Pie Day December 26 is National Whiners Day December 27 is National Fruitcake Day December 28 is Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day December 29 is Pepper Pot Day December 30 is Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day December 31 is Unlucky Day ============================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: ____ .-'& '-. / \ : o o ; ( (_ ) : ; \ __ / `-._____.-' /`"""`\ / , \ /|/\/\/\ _\ (_|/\/\/\\__) |_______| __)_ |_ (__ jgs (_____|_____) [I've printed these excerpts from 6th grade history tests before, but they are so hilarious I can't resist running them again.] 1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake- speare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. -<>- _ (\ \) o__^\/ , \ ' \ < _ _ ' ' . `| \____\ - - ' . . () | ) _ _ `.' `.' .//---_/-_/ _ _ (\ (\_\^^__o . `-'\ ` / `( | \_____| | | _ ./`,----./~| . . . - () John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity. John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity". -<>- I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs." [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] -<>- My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr." -<>- My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing." Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left." ============================================================ >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: /) o__^^/_/) \ ' \`-' ___ Baffle Them `| \______/--'` | \ ././-------,.\ BP_mic A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says............. "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" Remember: if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense! -<>- .+. @ /' \. .: _______ )) ( _:::.__.'_ `:::::: ~ / ,\ .::' :::::' \` \ .'::' :::' ('.\ `-.. :. __::'_______`-.\ ))::._ .'``::::::::: `-'~' `:::' a:f ' Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State epartment and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot." Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the answer now! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair." -<>- >Two Can Play that Game Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men said that would cost an additional $45 service fee, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my van, which was blocking their truck. I told them my fee was $45...for van moving ! =================================================================== >-->The TRUE Stella Awards -- 2007 Winners by Randy Cassingham Issued February 2008 Unlike the FAKE cases that have been highly circulated online for the last several years (see http://www.StellaAwards.com/bogus.html for details), the following cases have been researched from public sources and are confirmed TRUE by the ONLY legitimate source for the Stella Awards: http://www.StellaAwards.com . To confirm this copy is legitimate, see http://www.StellaAwards.com/2007.html -v- 2007 Runners-Up and Winner: #3: Sentry Insurance Company. The company provided worker's compensation insurance for a Wisconsin "Meals on Wheels" program. Delivering a meal, a MoW volunteer (who was allegedly not even wearing boots) slipped and fell on a participant's driveway that had been cleared of snow, and Sentry had to pay to care for her resulting injuries. Sentry wanted its money back, so it sued the 81-year-old homeowner getting the Meals on Wheels service. It could have simply filed for "subrogation" from her homeowner's insurance company, but by naming her in the action, it dragged an old lady into court, reinforcing the image of insurance companies as concerned only about the bottom line, not "protecting" policyholders from loss. #2: The family of Robert Hornbeck. Hornbeck volunteered for the Army and served a stint in Iraq. After getting home, he got drunk, wandered into a hotel's service area (passing "DANGER" warning signs), crawled into an air conditioning unit, and was severely cut when the machinery activated. Unable to care for himself due to his drunkenness, he bled to death. A tragedy, to be sure, but one solely caused by a supposedly responsible adult with military training. Despite his irresponsible behavior -- and his perhaps criminal trespassing -- Hornbeck's family sued the hotel for $10 million, as if it's reasonably foreseeable that some drunk fool would ignore warning signs and climb into its heavy duty machinery to sleep off his bender. But those pale in comparison to... THE WINNER of the 2007 Stella Award: Roy L. Pearson Jr. The 57-year-old Administrative Law Judge from Washington DC claims that a dry cleaner lost a pair of his pants, so he sued the mom-and-pop business for $65,462,500. That's right: more than $65 million for one pair of pants. Representing himself, Judge Pearson cried in court over the loss of his pants, whining that there certainly isn't a more compelling case in the District archives. But the Superior Court judge wasn't moved: he called the case "vexatious litigation", scolded Judge Pearson for his "bad faith", and awarded damages to the dry cleaners. But Pearson didn't take no for an answer: he's appealing the decision. And he has plenty of time on his hands, since he was dismissed from his job. Last we heard, Pearson's appeal is still pending. Copyright 2008 www.StellaAwards.com -- this message may be forwarded as long as it remains complete and unaltered. ======================================================================= >-->In The WordlyNews: >From The Guardian: Gay Bible angers Christians A gay version of the Bible, in which God says it is better to be gay than straight, is to be published by an American film producer. More here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/dec/01/princess-diana-gay-bible -<>- >From OneNewsNow: The worst video games your kids may be playing http://www.onenewsnow.com/Culture/Default.aspx?id=342798 Jeremiah Wright Says Obama Made 'Bad Decision' http://www.onenewsnow.com/Blog/Default.aspx?id=346100 Former Black Panther demands African American replace Obama http://www.onenewsnow.com/Politics/Default.aspx?id=343420 -<>- >From BizarreNews: ___ ________________________ ___ ___________________ I I I I I I I I I I I I IHI I I IHI I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I O I-I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I IHI I I IHI I I I I I I ___I I________________________I I___I I__________________ I (_( )___( )_) I (_( )___( )_ I I I I I I I I I I I I_I I_I I I I I I _H_ <$> <$> _H_ <#> <#> Chris Nichols -- Woman sues over faulty toilet seat ------------- ALLENTOWN, Pa. - A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against a Pennsylvania bar, claiming that a faulty toilet seat caused her to fall into the commode. Kathleen Hewko of Delran claims she still suffers from a back injury inflicted by the fall at Starters in Lower Saucon Township, The Allentown Morning Call reports. She is seeking $150,000 from the bar and Kohler Co., the toilet's manufacturer. Her husband, John, is asking for $75,000 for loss of consortium. Her lawyer, John D. Cirrinicione of Philadelphia, said Hewko yelled for help but was finally able to free herself when no one responded. He said she is of moderate weight and the problem was clearly a defective seat. -- Library display shows Santa's grisly end --------- OBERLIN, Ohio - A public library in Oberlin, Ohio, has a holiday display that features a legless Santa Claus being pushed down the stairs by a sadistic Christmas tree. Conceptual artist Keith McGuckin, who created the Oberlin Public Library display, created a narrative to accompany the image that explains Santa's legs were destroyed by an alcohol-fueled incident involving power lines, and the tree pushing St. Nick's wheelchair down a flight of stairs plans to visit a strip club with the money he took from Santa's Salvation Army kettle, The (Elyria, Ohio) Chronicle- Telegram reported. The artist said authorities would rule the jolly elf's death an accident. McGuckin, who raised controversy in previous years with Christmas displays featuring Nazi gingerbread men and drug-smuggling elves, said he does not expect his latest work of art to prove any less provocative. "I think a lot of people will be upset about a legless Santa," he said. Library director Darren McDonough said the display will remain in place for the holiday season. "Remember the old library saying -- 'If we don't have something to offend you, we're not doing our job,'" McDonough said. -- Teen on lonely voyage around the world ---------- THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. - A teenager from Thousand Oaks, Calif., is lonely as he attempts to sail around the world, his mother says. Marianne Sunderland said her son, Zac, was forced to celebrate both Thanksgiving and his 17th birthday alone on his 36-foot sailboat while trying to become the youngest person to sail around the world all alone, the Los Angeles Times said Thursday. Zac is thankful for the relatively calm weather he has enjoyed to date, his mother said. "Zac is well and entering the danger zone as far as weather off of Africa," she said. "So far he has had pretty light winds and so though he's not making great progress, he is happy to not be getting his butt kicked." Sunderland said in a Thanksgiving Day blog that everyone who has supported Zac, who is now beyond the halfway point of his journey, deserved special holiday thanks, the Times said. "On behalf of Zac and the entire Sunderland family we thank you all for supporting and encouraging all of us in this endeavor," she said. ============================================================= >-->From JokeCentral: Answered Prayers /_'. _ _ \ / '-. < ``-.;),--'` '--.- >Daniel Boone Lost? By Keith Todd While the NBC TV show staring Fess Parker that ran from 1964 to 1970 made Daniel Boone's name synonymous with the coonskin cap, it is not widely known that Boone detested Coonskin caps. It seems that Boone preferred a flat low crowned wide brimmed hat, which most rural people wore in the late 18th and early 19th century. He would only have donned a fur hat on cold days. Boone is credited with opening the way west into Kentucky from the Carolinas and Virginia. He spent time following Indian trails and learning the lay of the land. His exploration and surveying trips helped open what was then the American West and is now Kentucky and Tennessee to settlers. When Chester Harding was painting Boone's portrait in 1820 (when Boone was nearly 86 years old), Harding asked Boone if he had ever been lost during his travels. Boone replied, " No, I can't say as ever I was lost, but I was bewildered once for three days." -<>- oo |" | --' A worm Cleanlaugh_Babysitting A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait." -<>- >Cleanlaugh_Head Check One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel." -<>- >Canada (_) |_____________________________________ |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&& .\^/. &&&&&&| |&&&&&& . | | . &&&&&&| |&&&&&& |\| |/| &&&&&&| |&&&&&& .--' '--. &&&&&&| |&&&&&& \ / &&&&&&| |&&&&&& > < &&&&&&| |&&&&&& '~|/~~|~~\|~' &&&&&&| |&&&&&& | &&&&&&| |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&&_________________________&JGS&&| |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff! 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? 3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' " Tourist: "Oh". 4. Are the bears with collars tame? 5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? 6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? 7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? 8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? 9. Are there birds in Canada? 10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? 11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? 12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? 13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? 14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario? 15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields? 16. How far is Banff from Canada? 17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day? 18. Do they search you at the B.C. border? 19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds? 20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they? 21. Are there phones in Banff? 22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? 23. We're on the decibel system you know. 24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?? 25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car? 26. Don't you Canadians know anything? 27. Where do you put the animals at night? 28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom". Tourist: "Oh!" ================================================================= >-->Dog Pet Peeves .-. ( ( __ __ '-` ___/ _\.-./_ \ ////|//(@ @) \| //////// \./ | (_) |( _ ) ldb____|______|.m_m_______________________________________ 1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM A DOG!! 3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!! 4. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it. 6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet? 7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet. 8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 9. Dog sweaters. Hello...have you noticed the fur? 10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back. 13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain. ================================================================== >-->Foxworthyisms .----. /___.--'-. C '----' | ) .-----. | .| /_ / '''----' / ) / / \/'..'__/ / / / / / /\~~)__________ \(___________) | | | | | | | | | |(__) | | -abg According to Jeff Foxworthy, You're not a kid anymore WHEN... You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room. You enjoy watching the news. The phone rings and you hope its not for you. The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion. People ask what color your hair USED to be. You're proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws. You start singing along with the elevator music. You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday. Your car has four doors. You routinely check the oil in your car. You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style --TWICE. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. 8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in". You don't remember when you got that mole... or the one next to it. You write thank you notes without being told. Neighbors borrow your tools. You answer a question with "Because I said so!" Others ask for your recipes. You start Christmas shopping in August. You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back. You don't like to drive after dark. You say the words "Turn that music down!" You wear black socks with sandals. You can live without sex but not without your glasses. You point out what buildings used to be where. You know all the warning signs of a heart attack. You rake the yard without being told to. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television. The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying. Now tell the truth--aren't you OLD? ============================================================= >-->The Cameron Column # 186 _______ / \__ ( ) ""\ (" ) \ / \__ __/ \ ( __ ) """"""""//"""""" \\\\\\//\\\\\\\\ \\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\//\\\ \\ \\\ \\//\\\ \\\\\\\\ \\\ \\\\\\ \\\ \\ //\\\\ \\\\\\\\\ \\ \\\__\ \/HHH\\ //\,-' \\ o| \ \/\ _\ C|' \ SMA /__\_,-' ,; *x* /dd A FREE Internet Newsletter brought to you by W. Bruce Cameron in a pathetic bid for attention. If you are not a subscriber, how on earth can you sleep at nights? Get some rest: send a message to TheCameronColumn-on@letters.webvalence.com. To unsubscribe, DON'T reply to this message. See the footer following this message for more information! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ As revealed in last week's column, events, (meaning my son), conspired to deprive me of bed and hearth without due process and to send me into the darkest jungles to go camping with my intolerable next-door neighbor, Fred. I only agreed to risk my life in such a manner for the good of my son, who thought the whole experience would be "fun." As readers of that previous column know, I showed considerable tolerance and good spirits as I tramped off into the wilderness, but by evening my patience had been exhausted, as you shall see below. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Camping Part 2 Copyright 2003 W. Bruce Cameron Apparently there is a rule that when you're camping you must suffer for every biological function you perform. Walking is called "hiking," and, instead of being performed on carpeting and with the aid of escalators, is conducted over rocks and dirt and other unnatural materials. I won't tell you what you're supposed to use for toilet paper, except to note that I'll bet my neighbor Fred knew I was in a grove of poison ivy, but he never said a word. Then there's eating: Dinner this evening is a special treat of hot dog pieces swimming in beans and served up in what appear to be dented bedpans. It's a meal designed to straighten out the curves in anyone's small intestine, but the forced march through the woods has made me so ravenous I can't help but wolf down a couple helpings of the stuff. Every bite includes a crunchy portion of sand, turning the mixture into cement immediately upon hitting the stomach. Fred had told me earlier that he hadn't brought any beer. When this turns out to be the truth I shrug it off, sobbing uncontrollably for less than an hour. "Isn't this great, Dad?" my son marvels. I gaze upon him expressionlessly. He has spent the evening playing in the creek, fishing for trout, and catching fireflies. Why couldn't he be content sitting with glazed eyes in front of Nintendo like other red-blooded American boys? I fear I've lost him forever. "Evolution, son. We must deal with it." I gesture subtly with my fork at Fred, who blinks in the sudden spray of wiener juice. "If man had been meant to camp, we would have been born with four-wheel drive." Night falls hard in the American wilderness. I call my son's attention to the croak of various small animals being eaten by lions, though Fred insists they are crickets. "Like a cricket would be way out here in the woods!" I hoot. Fred may be an experienced camper, but he is no biologist. "What are you, Fred, a banker or something, can't deal with the realities of nature?" He frowns. "No, I'm a biologist." The kids grow sleepy, and we agree it is time for bed. This leads to a quandary, because it turns out that there isn't a television in the tent. "So we're just supposed to crawl in there and sleep?" I demand indignantly. "What are you, some kind of communist?" No one else seems troubled by this blatant treason, so for the sake of getting the whole wretched experience over with as soon as possible, I climb in among the bodies and try to relax. Immediately Fred's snoring offers us impressive evidence that it is possible to breathe with a kazoo up one's nose, sawing the air with such force it upsets my circadian rhythm. Then the beans hit the last bend in the kids' gastrointestinal systems, and they add a horn section to the symphony. Sleep, another biological function, is impossible. I am cocooned in a sleeping bag. There are two settings in a sleeping bag: "too hot", and "too cold". Fully wrapped, the heat is enough to cause brain damage, which might explain why people camp more than once. Unzip the thing and fling it off your sweating body, and you are exposed to a chill factor that enables you instantly to understand the meaning of the expression "freeze-dried." Then there is the matter of my bladder. The gurgle of the small creek outside the tent walls speaks to my internal waters like a pack of wild dogs calling to a domesticated cousin. "Join us. Run with us. Be free." Within ten minutes of achieving hypothermia through sleeping bag, my brain receives a message indicating impending urinary explosion. I lie there and calculate the odds of being able to discharge out the front of the tent from my current position. I'm untroubled by the idea that I might drench Fred, but my son also lies in the path of my contemplated trajectory. I grab a flashlight and, shivering, I step outside. It is then that I hear the bear. --Watch for the rest of the story in part 3!! -- Bruce ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ For reprint permission, including web sites, please write me at Bruce@wbrucecameron.com This newsletter may be distributed freely via e-mail but you MUST include the following copyright information: The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2003 ==================================================================== ,'-', :-----: (''' , - , ''') \ ' . , ` / \ ' ^ ? / \ ` - ,' `j_ _,' ,- -`\ \ /f ,- \_\/_/'- , `, , , /\ \ | / \ ', , f : :`, , <...\ , : ,- ' \,,,,\ ; : j ' \ \ :/^^^^' \ \ ; ''': \ -, -`.../ ' - -,`,--` \_._'-- '---: Storm >-->Doesn't It Annoy You When... 1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found? 2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer? 3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit? 4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out? 5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you. 6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes. 7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some. 8. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around. 9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. 10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth. 11. Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading. 12. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. 13. The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries. 14. Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check. 15. The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on. 16. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose every- thing. ============================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) >From The MouthPiece: Christmas Album Covers: The Worst of the Worst http://www.bizarrerecords.com/galleries/xmas/xmas.html Kaboose: Families - all sorts of entertainment http://www.kaboose.com/ -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links Melva/Remembering Christmas Past http://www.silverandgoldandthee.com/Christmas/ChristmasPast.htnl.htm Brother Bob's Christmas Poem http://ministry-webs.com/ministry/brotherbob/index.html Carolyn w/ Twelve Days Of Christmas http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/Holiday/TwelveDaysOfChristmas.html Multilingual Christmas Midis http://www.ylw.mmtr.or.jp/~johnkoji/hymn/xmas/ Christmas Fonts http://moorstation.org/typoasis/seasonal/xmas/fsxmas1.htm When The Parents Are Gone http://www.buffaloschips.com/71607.htm Whit Arlington http://www.buffaloschips.com/71608.htm Why I Go To Weddings http://www.buffaloschips.com/71609.htm Why Buy Expensive Toys http://www.buffaloschips.com/71610.htm Weeee... http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22236.htm We've Got To Talk http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22235.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus. A teenage boy to his father... "Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished high school." --Charles Almon in The Wall Street Journal "Your high school reunion. You get that letter in the mail and you feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself." --Drew Carey If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging? -- Mark Twain "I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty-six hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours." --Rita Rudner If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. 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