Warning Signs, New Rules And More ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ >-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our hot sizzler's both come from forwards from our friend Sharon. This first one is so very beautiful it will dazzle you! Check it out here... _..._ \_.._ `'-.,--, '-._'-. `\a\\ '. `_.' (| `7 || / .' | /_.-' ,J / \ || / ; _.. || | | /`\.-. .' _ `\ `\ \ | \_/__/ / /e)-,\ '. \ /.-` .'\ / | ,_ | /\ `;_.-'_.-'`\_/ / '-(-.)/ \_;(((_.-; .'--. \ ` .(((_,;`'. \ / `\ | _.--'`__.' `\ '-;\ /` | /.-' .--' '._.'\\ .' ; /__.-'` | \ | .'`-'_ /_.'))) \_\,_/ / -'_.'---;`'-))) (__.'/ /` .'` (_.'/ /` /` _|.' /` jgs.-` __.'| .-'|| | \_`/ ` Colorful Birds 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/birds2.html --- ...Simply gorgeous! Thanks Sharon! This next one is a wonderful collection of photos sure to give you plenty of ooos and awws. Especially check out the video at the end for a big AWW dose! ,--. _/ <`-' ,-.' \--\_ ((`-.__\ ) \`' @ (_ ( (_) ,'`-._(`-._/ ,-' )&&) )) ,-' /&&&%-' ,' __ ,- {&&&&/ / ,' \| |\&&'\ ( | |' \ `--. (%--'\ ,--.\ `-.`-._))) `---'`-/__)))`-._))) hjw Up Close And Personal 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/personal3.html --- ...awesome and so adorable! Thank You Sharon! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: They Tried To Bribe The Judge _.--._ Taking his seat in his chambers, __..--'` ( ) `'--..__ the judge faced the opposing (____..--'`||`'--..____) lawyers. "So," he said, O || O "I have been presented, by both /|\ || /|\ of you, with a bribe." / | \ || / | \ / | \ || / | \ Both lawyers squirmed /___|___\ || /___|___\ uncomfortably. (____|____) || (____|____) \_______/ || \_______/ "You, attorney Leon, gave me || $15,000. And you, attorney __||__ Campos, gave me $10,000." ____/` `\____ /` `-......-' `\ The judge reached into his jgs `._ _.' pocket and pulled out a check. '--..........--' He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!" ======================================================= *-- More Bizarre May Holidays --* May 14 is National Dance Like A Chicken Day May 15 is National Chocolate Chip Day May 16 is Wear Purple For Peace Day May 17 is Pack Rat Day May 18 is International Museum Day and Visit Your Relatives Day May 19 is Frog Jumping Jubilee Day May 20 is Eliza Doolittle Day ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Bunni :) , , `. | `. ` `. \___ \ ,---._ ,' -`./ ,-" "-/ / o `._ `. | o ,-. _ ` `. , , `-' ,' ` `-----"| '`----" | \ / | \ " `. /_ `._ _/| \ ( ". ' \ \ `.`. . |` \" |\ | `. `.,' . | `. \ | | ,` | | | `-`-" , ` , `. _,' `.--" | | || | .-. | |, `,' ) ___,' \ , / /------" \____," KaK >Funnies A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination. When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!" "Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile. As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you I was talking to God." -<>- During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes. "Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that? Again, the boy nodded yes. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." -<>- Mom walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top. Mom: "Why did you pour out the whole box?" Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -<>- + (|) _____.___.|_|. | / \ |===| | / \ | o | |__/__v__\|, ,| | | | | | || || |/| . . . |','| ||| A A A | , | ||| M M M | | wtx --------------------- >MURPHY'S CHURCH LAWS ~ If it wasn't for committee meetings, nothing would ever get done. ~ If you can't get a sermon done working 20 hours a day, work nights. ~ When the deacons talk about improving the church's spiritual life, they are never talking about their own. ~ In a committee meeting, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. ~ It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. ~ Keep the deacon chairman's wife off his back and you will succeed as a pastor. ~ Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a fellowship activity involving food. ~ If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good you will get out of it. ~ When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. ~ Following the rules will not get the job done. ~ Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. ~ A Youth Pastor with a clean desk has way too much free time. ~ When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Batman handle this?" ~ The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year. -<>- A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter. After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up. -<>- One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" -<>- + (|) _____.___.|_|. | / \ |===| | / \ | o | |__/__v__\|, ,| | | | | | || || |/| . . . |','| ||| A A A | , | ||| M M M | | wtx --------------------- A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill." -<>- ____ .-'& '-. / \ : o o ; ( (_ ) : ; \ __ / `-._____.-' /`"""`\ / , \ /|/\/\/\ _\ (_|/\/\/\\__) |_______| __)_ |_ (__ jgs (_____|_____) >Thoughts: One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. One man's red tape is another man's system. Money does not buy happiness, but it's a lot more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. Did you hear about the optimist who managed to fall off the top of the Empire State Building? As he passed each floor he was heard yelling, "So far so good!" "My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead." - Some dead guy -<>- ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy >SURVIVING DRIVER'S ED (AGAIN): A TRUE STORY By Bill Allison I picked up my fifteen year old son from school. When he got into the car, he announced, "I can drive now." Having been through this with his older sister, I saw the teachable moment and tried to lean into it. "Just because the state of Illinois gives you a permit and says you can now start driving with your parents in no way means that you can actually drive. Unrelenting, my son spit back, "I'm a great driver." Just as unrelenting, I shot back, "Driving the riding lawn mower at home in the yard and driving a car between the lines without actually hitting another car, stationary object, or a person are two different things." "But I took a test in Driver's Ed today and passed. See, I'm a great driver, he affirmed waving a piece of paper in his hands. "Passing a written driving test in a classroom in no way whatsoever means that you can actually drive a real car on a real road with other real cars around you. Really." Then he threw down the challenge. He played the ace in his hand. "What's wrong old man? Afraid my driving is better than yours?" The teacher/trainer in me kicked in. You see, when the learner is not getting the obvious point, the teacher/trainer may opt for "creative" teaching measures. This would be a good time to call his bluff and attempt to bring him back to reality. I calmly pulled the car over into a McDonald's parking lot. Put it into park. Got out and walked around to the passenger side front door. Opened it and said, "Let's go Mr. Worlds-Greatest-Driver-whose-never-actually-driven-a-car-before. Show me what you ve got." He looked stunned, but he quickly got out his seat and situated himself behind the driver's side of the car. He adjusted the seat, the mirrors, and fastened his seatbelt. So far so good. Then he stopped and looked down at the floor for what seemed an inordinate amount of time. I entertained the thought that he might be praying. Then suddenly he looked up at me and with complete seriousness and asked, "Now which one of these pedals is the brake? I rest my case. Copyright 2012 Bill Allison. Reprinted from his blog: http://cupojoewithbillblogspot.com Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. --- ...LOL! Lots of good ones! Thanks Bunni! =============================================================== >-->From Our Friend Del :) ,-`'-. / , \ ( ((_))) ) / a a / C > ( \ =( / ) ( ) ( .--'. ;-. ) ' `'' ` / | , .--\|-(| ( | |' ` `( | | ) ) `.| | .' | | || ( () || \ \ \| \ \ ` / \ \ \ ' \ \ ` / | )> \ ' /\/\ ` / (_.,_) \ ' / \ ` ( ( ) ) `-=.__ `--==--' __.=-' gpyy |`-.__.._.' & | | | jnj ` | | & \ / ) VK : ) / / ' | | | | ` | | \ |\ | \ |)_ ( ) (_ \ \ / \ \\ \_\_ l\ \__\`____> \____> >My daughter My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it." Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. She actually said... "Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President Obama's reelection campaign." --- ...LMAO! Thanks Del! ================================================================ >-->In The Worldly News: [Politics] >From Our Friend PatDeE :) THE MAN WHO WOULD BE DICTATOR http://tinyurl.com/c54byj2 --- ...thank you PatDeE! This is a very strong piece. It seems every time we turn around this man who was supposed to unite our country has done nothing but continue to divide it. What's the old saying - Divide and Conquer? Tennessee Football Coach fired for making Obama song. Tennessee middle school assistant football coach, age 26, fired for a song he wrote and played! This could be the next number one hit country song. It's the best effort yet at encapsulating the outrage at the oversteps of this government in an entertaining song. Apparently, the guy was fired over the song because some parents complained. If you like it, help it go "viral" by passing it along to everyone you know. Click for a Great Song!!! http://tinyurl.com/6u9shmm Get it now free http://www.holdingahammer.com/ --- ...Aww, well, Now I feel better - not so sad! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >From BizarreNews: Here's a good idea; keep a gun in your house for protection. Here's a bad idea; keep it loaded and unlocked next to your bed while you sleep. That was the unfortunate decision of Arizona resident David Jennings who woke up in the middle of the night to find his own pistol being pointed at his head. "Don't move," said the intruder, who was silhouetted by the glow of the television set which Jennings had left on. Realizing the stupidity of his thoughtlessness, Jennings had to make an instant decision. Thinking about his wife lying next to him and his children down the hall, he decided to defend himself and his family. Fortunately, with experience as a bouncer and training in mixed martial arts, Jennings was better prepared than most. He immediately tackled the intruder and began screaming for his wife to wake up and call 911. His gamble paid off. He was able to disarm the intruder, and when police showed up they tried to arrest Jennings because by that time he looked like the attacker, having the intruder subdued and bouncing his head off the floor. Well, if you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough. Jennings said that he has since bought a trigger lock for his gun. *-- Man falls through women's bathroom ceiling --* SEATTLE - A woman who went to use a Seattle Central Community College restroom says a man beat her to it -- by falling in through the ceiling. Joy Estill said around 11 a.m. Wednesday, a man smashed through the ceiling of the restroom. "My initial reaction was 'Do you need help?' -- I thought he was a worker," Estill toold KOMO-TV, Seattle. "But then I realized he was not dressed like a worker doing labor; he was dressed like a regular person coming off the street." Estill and other students held the man until security arrived and handcuffed him. He allegedly had a disposable camera in his hand, which led Estill to believe he was taking pictures, but police said he was hiding from officers after earlier trying to break into a locked bathroom in a fast food restaurant using a pocketknife. Police said he fled from officers at the college and climbed into the bathroom ceiling to hide, the report said. *-- 'Redneck' couple wed in mud pit --* PALATKA, Fla. - A pair of Florida mud-bogging enthusiasts married at the same mud pit where the groom proposed a year ago. Kodie Umphenour, 24, and Carina Pasco, 31, were wed Saturday at the Hog Waller Mud Bog & ATV mud pit in Putnam County in a ceremony described on the invitations as "Our Big Ol' Muddy Redneck Wedding," The St. Augustine Record reported Wednesday. The wedding was preceded by several minutes of mud tossing among guests and independent visitors to the mud pit. ATV riders were asked to silence their engines during the ceremony. The wedding blended the families of Umphenour, who has two children, and Pasco, who has four. Umphenour said the wedding doubled as a honeymoon. "I've got to get back to work Monday," he said. "This is our honeymoon." *-- World's largest chess piece unveiled --* ST. LOUIS - A Missouri chess club has unveiled the "World's Largest Chess Piece," a 14 1/2-foot tall king weighing 2,280 pounds. The piece, installed on the patio in front of the World Chess Hall of Fame in St. Louis by the Chess Club and Scholastic Center of St. Louis, was formed by R.G. Ross Construction, The (St. Louis) Post-Dispatch reported Monday. "This piece serves as a monument to the chess culture we are creating in St. Louis," club spokesman Mike Wilmering said. Wilmering said the piece, which was unveiled Monday to commemorate the Tuesday start of the 2012 U.S. Chess Championships, which has been hosted by the club since 2009, was certified by Guinness World Records as the largest on the globe. The previous record holder, a 13.1-foot-high king, was built by Mats Allanson in Sweden in 2003. *-- Man sought for pulling women's pants down --* OTTAWA - Police in the Canadian capital Ottawa were seeking a man Tuesday suspected of approaching at least nine women from behind and pulling their pants down. The most recent attack was midday Monday, when an 18-year-old woman walking on a path was approached from behind, The Ottawa Citizen reported. The attacker was unsuccessful, as the woman whirled around and threw coffee in his face, police said. As with the eight other attacks, the 5-foot-6 white man with a goatee in his early 20s casually walked away, the report said. The attacks began April 14 and have targeted women walking alone. In some of the incidents, the women were sexually groped. In one case, the victim was knocked to the ground, police said. There were three separate attacks on April 16, the report said. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Brenda :) |><|~|><| /(((9)))\ //) -_- (\\ (((( ._. )))) ))))---(((( ((((`---')))) (___|xXxXx|___) \ | | / / ^ ^ ^ \ / \ (_._._._._._) \ | / ( | ) | | | hjw |-|-| /`-^-'\ (__,^.__) >Preparation One day, I taught my young class the story of Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. I carefully explained how Martha had hurried to clean the house and cook a special meal. Then I paused and asked, "What would you do if Jesus was going to visit your house today?" One little girl quickly responded, "I'd put the Bible on the table!" -<>- ,="=-. ,`'oo' \o`. ( .88 |^||^)) ) , ) ) `@ (@' (. ( ` , `C ' ) `) `-=' ,/ ._c/ `-=' ,-( `-.,')-. gpyy `( ) `' '` >Heaven During children's church, Katelyn learned about Jesus and that he lives in heaven. After church, Katelyn asked her mother Dawn if they could go visit Jesus. Dawn told her that no one knows how to get to heaven until God calls you home. She said "Well, Mom, just MapQuest it." -<>- A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.' -<>- __i |---| |[_]| |:::| |:::| `\ \ \_=_\ jsm Don't you just know how irritating mobile/cell phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business? A chap on a train hauled out his mobile and started up: "Hi Darling, it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing Pool, with the boss - no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm Sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This was going on for at least ten minutes, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey,Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!" -<>- My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later. At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch. The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?" "Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?" -<>- .::\)`:`, .:;\/~`\``;) ,.~-----, ;;==`_ ~:;( ,,~{*}\~~--,.`. ;:== 6 6;;) ,(((((({*});~~. .\ ;;C } )' (('`)))~({*}) . \ .\ :;` `--'; >6 6`({*}))) . \~~ | `____/ ( { ))())) . .`, ____._| |_____. `--' (((())) . | / \ \__ _| | \ `-- )))))) . .| | ) \/\/\_{@} | ,-| ((((((( . | | \_ \ \ | / | / | / ))))))) .| | |\ : \ |/ | Y | (/*@@*( ' ` ) . | \ \ \_\/_/ | | / */ \ \'/ /. | \ \ |o | | \. \ |'@'| .| \ \ | ; ,'--,.,.,., \ ~*@*~. . | \ \_________._--`((,:{@}.:))_\ |~@~| . | \ ' | ((,{@}:{@}.))-----' ;/\ (, \._____________`-__((;,{@},:))_________/|{ | . ; | | | `';{@},) /`-----'\ |. | | .__/\__ | `{@};,; / / | \ \ \/ .| | / :; \ | `(@))\ / \. . | | /! | \| ';; ))_/`-'/`_`., \. | | | ! | | ';(( | | ! `_ \ .| | | ! | | )) | | ! |.\_| | |/ ! | | (/ | | ! | . | >HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. --- ...HaHa! Oh My! Thanks Brenda! ========================================================== >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) ___ ,-""___""-. .;""'| |`"":. || | | | | || ||_|_|_|_|_|| // /| /__ //| ,-""___""-. //|| .;""'| |`"":. // ||/| | | | || // ||_|_|_|_|_||// ||_________||/ || || '' ctr '' >Pastor on Death Bed Old but worth a laugh every time. An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go." Priceless! -<>- ___ /_\_\ |;-^-'| ; ._ d - j :. ,<%@. |-_-| / \ {_ _,l ___/\_ _/\_ \,< ___ <~L~>\. /___\_\'/_/_`-.( `___\ \ - |` /___ \ \|/|po /||_/-___L":--;" L _ \ \ |o|LY| |(n==\^\^''--`-,-_ [-><-]=3 || ^;| |`\ _')>\ /<__/\ |< !c)|o ; |;| "| _' \ \/ /po | |- | | ; ' |,-. |.V \/ |LY | |\__, _L |o : | / \ \||\ |o^ ^| | _|/| / _\__ : / 7 '<|`. | | | / |L/ < /\: | Y \ | \|' | | | |/ /_ | | | | \| A|. | | /| |/|PO| | || | | |V| | | || |<|LY| | || | |,| | |_ | / | | ^^ | | | | | |____| |" | | | | | | | | |#^' |4 \ | | | | | | |,| | |%_| | | |m | A \ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | / | / | | \ || | | | | | | / /| |__| || | | l | | |> / / | | \___/|_A_| | | | | / / | | | | || |m1a >Apology letter to spouse ?*Hi Sweetheart*, I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink. Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home later. *Love you……* _____________________________________ *Her response:* *Hi Honey,* Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on. Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall. *I love you, too!* *See pictures of the Christmas lights being hung and of the pickup truck being washed... Check out the last two photos on our group site here: http://tinyurl.com/6rgvylm --- ...LOL! Thanks PatDeE! ========================================================= >-->From Clean Laffs: /\ / \ / _o \ / <(\ \ / />`A \ '----------` Stef The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____. I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.' [Borrowed from Reader's Digest.] -<>- A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me what room I am in?" "Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby." -<>- >Warning Signs: . . . ' . . : ; : . ; | _.---.._ . | .-"' `;"--, L""--..__ | .'J Watch for Falling Safes |:`' - ..`""-.' | |. `":J F J: ,-. .| J J FG)| ;F | L. `-' .J F ' L: :| J/, , .my |'._ :| /^_,- ' \-) `c-.__'- .;F/ =_,;_" F"J - -=_,) `"--3'7'" "-J | . ' .-';,F;L,4_ "-. ` F , ' ;'/ ^-, "-._J .%52_._' ,-' , . .-;_ `3_(( "` .-`; -' ,5-' "-._ `-._ .-" "-; // \, "-._ " itz `G L._ `\ `L J `"-._ \ | L,-"' `\ \ J ' _J; \ L _,-' `\ ,-) \._,-' `r',;=-. (f _,/' "' As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale in the United States. WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct) ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. -<>- Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit. Judge: "Was the child born out of wedlock?" Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville." -<>- After an exhausting weekend, I woke up Monday morning and sleepily packed lunch for my eight-year-old child. When I got home from work late that day, she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting that I see her. "What's this all about?" I asked sternly. Opening her lunch box, my daughter showed me the drink I had packed for her that morning. It was a can of beer. -<>- My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to acess the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?" -<>- >NEW RULES: : ;; / | / | .' : .-' ' _.-' / .-*" / _ .-' .' _.-*?' .' .' .-" .' __ .' , .-' .-+. .' _.-*".' / \ .-' _.--**""**-. .-' _.y-:-" .' : `+. .*""*. `. :-. -. \ .' ; .--*""*--. / __ ` _.--. \ |$| -.` -.;/ _.-+. : .' :*" "*..*" y`-' $| ;*" _( \ / +----/ / .'.-'---+ .-._.+' `. -'_.--. :- "_( `*-: | \/\/\/ | /) ` .'___ ' "_( ; `._| | \ )` .'.' `./_" ( : \| | (`._..--**" : .- ; `"' \ | Here's Your | `----**"T"" " `+. | `. | | ' .' : _.-*"*- | RULES | / / ' .-*" _ | | __..-'\ / bug "+,'___..--| |--**"" `-.__.' "" +----------------+ In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet. 1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other. 2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space. 3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators. 4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like "May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder" must bear a label on the outside of the box saying: "Do Not Purchase - Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental." 5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: "This Door Is Locked for No Reason." 6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods. In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway. 7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase. 7a. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, "Now what do I want?" and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot. 8. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal. 9. All Americans will appreciate irony. Britons will under- stand that two ice cubes in a drink is not nearly enough. [This list was written by Bill Bryson in his book I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF. The original list contained several other items, but that would have made it too long for pub- lication here, and to tell you the truth the other items weren't really that funny anyway.] -<>- _..._ ___ .:::::::. `"-._.-''. , /:::::::::\ ': \ _._ \:-::::::::::::\ :. | /|.-' /:::\ \::::::::\:::::| ': | | / |:::| `:::::::|:::::\ ': | `\ | __ |\::/\ `-:::-|::::::| ': | .`\ .\_.' `.__/ | |::::::\ ':. | \ ';:: /.-._ , / |:::::::| :. / ,`\;:: \'./0) |_.-/ ;:::::::| ': | \.`;::. `` | | \::::::/ :' / _\::::' / / \::::| :' / ,=:;::/ | \:::| :' | (='` // / | \::\ `: / '--' | /\ | \:::. `:_|.-"""-. \__.-'/::\ | '::::.:::...:::. '. /:::| | '::/::::::::::::. '-.__.:::::| | |::::::::::::\::..../::::::| / |:::::::::::::|::::/:::::::// \:::::::::::::|'::/::::::::/ /\::::::::::::/ /:::::::/:| |::';:::::::::/ |::::::/::; |:::/`-:::::;;-._ |:::::/::/ |:::| `-::::\ `|::::/::/ jgs |:::| \:::\ \:::/::/ /:::/ \:::\ \:/\:/ (_::/ \:::;__ \\_\\___ (_:/ \::):):)\:::):):) `" `""""` `""""""` >SOMETIMES... Sometimes... when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes... when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt. Sometimes... when you are worried, no one sees your stress. Sometimes... when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just ONE TIME...! ======================================================== >-->Story Time From our friend PatDeE :) --..,_ _,.--. `'.'. .'`__ o `;__. cjr '.'. .'.'` '---'` ` '.`'--....--'`.' `'--....--'` >GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE MURDEROUSLY DANGEROUS... Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her. It's been a long time since I laughed that hard at an email! --- ...OH My! LOL! An excellent classic! Thanks PatDeE! ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Angels Are Watching http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angelswatching.html High Tech Toys http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/techtoys.html Proud Of Our Troops 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/troops3.html Top Reasons To Smile http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/smile.html Where's The Line! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/seejesus.html Doug Landis Mouth Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mouthart.html Kinkade - Painter Of Light! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kinkade.html Amazing Bus Stops! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bus.html Beaches In India! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beaches.html Designer Toilet Paper! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/designertp.html Giant Catfish! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/giantcfish.html Mule Vs Lion! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mulelion.html -<>- >From Our Friend Brenda :) Opera duo Charlotte & Jonathan - Britain's Got Talent 2012 audition - UK version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsNlcr4frs4&feature=share --- ...WOW! This one gave goosebumps! Love it! Thanks Brenda! -<>- >From Our Friend KarenF :) I know that you are absolutely going to love this one... Monitor Cleaner! Http://www.funpic.hu/swf/monitor_cleaner.swf --- ...Such a good 'wet one'! LOL! Thanks KarenF! Nice Nature Film http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=cNm1b1QCllE&vq=medium --- ...Sweet! Thanks KarenF! -<>- >From Our Friend PatDeE :) Contemporary Railroad Construction http://tinyurl.com/32jkfec TWO GIRLS IN A BOX!! http://www.jokeroo.com/bin/player.swf?5f9f_f369 --- ...Fun ones! Thanks PatDeE! This is a wonderful, thought-provoking, one minute clip It's not a joke, it's not religious, it's not political. Please enjoy this one minute clip; it is truly special. It has a meaning for all of us. Thought Provoking - It's not what you say, but how you say it. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=medium --- ...A great classic! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) Buy Sell ads http://buysellads.com/ ripped : coal fossil forest http://goo.gl/beMBi ripped : Windows 8 won't play DVD discs anymore - unless you pay for the Media Center pack http://goo.gl/kl7SH ripped : rusty nails http://home.comcast.net/~kptv/Shows/rusty.htm --- ...Fun! Thanks Wesley! ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean. --Unknown "Congratulations! You have a girl. Unless I cut the wrong cord." --Robin Williams as Dr. Kosevich in "Nine Months". A mother who had just put her little boy to bed was heard to say as she shut the door and tip-toed down the hall. "One more day when I worked from son-up to son-down." A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com..." It was [26] years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio. "The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best known ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to lift. They called her the nutcracker." --Jay Leno "In a recent interview Jennifer Lopez says she regrets giving herself the nickname of J. Lo. She said never take nickname advice from somebody named P. Diddy." --Conan O'Brien "Yeah, but I love you more than football and basketball." --Tommy Lasorda, after his wife accused him of loving base- ball more than her. A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?" >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************