Weird Laws And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! ================ "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels For 2010 *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2010 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY! ============================================================ >-->From The FunnyBone: Weird Laws That Should Be Repealed - It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times. yeah, _ _ - In California it is illegal to set a mouse trap right (,\_/,) without a hunting license. \ | " | .-' )\g/( ( .----------.-----------. /( )\ ) / .=====;.. .-. // |\) (/|/ / .=// ((() |.o'\""// \ ' / / // ((()~~/_o_O("// jgs (/---\) / '=====((() """""// /___________'__________// `----------'----------'` - In Tennessee it is illegal to use Lassos to catch a fish. - If a man is wearing a striped suit, you cannot throw a knife at him in Natoma, Kansas. - In 1659 Massachusetts made Christmas illegal. .-"`'"-. - Unless you have a doctor's note, it's illegal / \ to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark, | | New Jersey. /'---'--`\ | | - It is a misdemeanor to show movies that \_.--._.-._/ depict acts of felonious crime in Montana. \=-=-=-/ \=-=-/ - Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, \=-/ Missouri... but not toy cap guns. jgs \/ - In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks. - In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday. ============================================================= >-->From Our Friend Dan :) Dear 1/52 family, I checked this out on www.snopes.com http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/veterans.asp Happy veterans day in advance. Thank you Walt and Bobby for passing this on. Dan Young \\ ///// | | (| _ _ |) |` | '| | __ | >>>___/\_^__/\___<<< / ||| \ Mike Hertz To: Vietnam Veterans of America We know it's a bit early but we'd like to give you an early heads up and ask for your assistance in spreading the word about some very good news: and the news is this: Applebee's would like to say THANK YOU! This upcoming Veterans Day (Thursday, November 11, 2010), Applebee's will thank our nation's veterans and active duty military by inviting them to their neighborhood Applebee's for a free meal. On this national day of respect and remembrance, Applebee's is honored to salute veterans and active military for their service to our country. As you may recall, Applebee's initiated this program nationwide for the first time last year. As a result, we provided over a million free meals to members of the military. Veterans Day turned into a military reunion at Applebee's in neighborhoods across the country. Veterans and active duty military from across generations enjoyed great food as they shared stories from their time serving our country. This year, Applebee's in offering a new Veterans Day menu, which includes some of its signature and favorite items. So that as many veterans and military personnel as possible are aware of this open invitation, please share the news across your various communication channels. Here are the details: · All U.S. veterans and active duty personnel with proof of current or former military service will eat free at all Applebee's in their respective neighborhoods on Veterans Day, Thursday, November 11, 2010. · Proof of service includes the following: U.S. Uniform Services Identification Card, U.S. Uniform Services Retired Identification Card, Current Leave and Earnings Statement, Veterans Organization Card, photograph in uniform or wearing uniform, DD214, Citation or Commendation. Please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any questions. We will send a follow-up reminder with a press announcement and link to summary video closer to the date. Please feel free to pass and post the attached flyer around at your discretion. Again, thank you! Derek Farley for Applebee's derek@dfpr.com 704-926-6580 --- ...Awesome! Thanks Dan! =============================================================== >-->From Our Friend Wesley :) ,-~***~-._.-~***~-. / \ / .--~~~--..--~~~--. \ ,' /._,/\._,/\._,/\._,\ `. ~-. \.-~ .-~ // ,-~ \/ ,* / ,* // / the R O L L I N G S T O N E S / ,**' / ,*'// / /,***' / ,**'// / /,***' / ,**'// / / ***' / ,***'// / : ~** ` ,***'/.-~ | **' / \ .' ~-.. ..-~ -Artist Unknown ~~~~~ >Don't Ya Know... You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you get hot and sweaty. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. --- ...Lol! Thanks Wesley! ================================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: . /_\ |_| [_] | | __ | | /\_\ | | /\/_/ _ |_| /\/_/ ( ) /<_>\ /\/_/ ( `) /=\ /\/_/ _ _ `-> < _ <\/_/ _( ) _( ) ( )( < < ( ) ( ) `' `( ) `'-_) (_-'` `-' __ __| \ | / ____| _ \ ____| ____| | _ \ ' / __| | | | | | ___ \ . \ | | | __| __| _|_/ _\_|\_\_____| \___/ _| _| mic After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along." -<>- When our company was selling top-of-the-line business com- puters, our advertising team proposed sponsorship of a major golf tournament on television. Surprised when approval came through quickly, I asked the head of the ad team how he had persuaded our usually reluctant chairman of the board. "It sold itself," the ad-man told me. "When the chairman first heard the idea, he asked, 'Why on earth would you want to sponsor a golf tournament? The only ones who watch them are people like me.'" "Then he paused and said, 'Oh.'" [Contributed to Reader's Digest.] -<>- Said an innocent young thing, "Oh, I can see how astronomers figure out the distance of the stars and their size and temperatures and all that. What really gets me is how they find out what their names are!" -<>- _____ .-" .-. "-. _/ '=(0.0)=' \_ /` .='|m|'=. `\ \________________ / .--.__///`'-,__~\\\\~` / /6|__\// a (__)-\\\\ \ \/--`(( ._\ ,))) / \\ ))\ -==- (O)( / )\((((\ . /))))) / _.' / __(`~~~~`)__ //"\\,-'-"` `~~~~\\~~`"-. // /`" ` `\ // jgs A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg. The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?" "Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off with a cutlass. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?" "Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?" The pirate explains, "It was me first day with the hook..." -<>- /\ ( ;`~v/~~~ ;._ ,/'"/^) ' < o\ '".~'\\\--, ,/",/W u '`. ~ >,._.., )' ,/' w ,U^v ;//^)/')/^\;~)' ,/"'/ W` ^v W |; )/' ;'' | v' v`" W } \\ " .'\ v `v/^W,) '\)\.)\/) `\ ,/,)' ''')/^"-;' \ '". _ \ RJK The Wolf Man comes home one day after a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he barks. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat?" After this he continues to yell and shout and making a huge fuss. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon, and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." -<>- Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a Franc in Stein!" =========================================================== >-->From The MouthPiece: _..--.._ _..--. _..--.. ,' ,'`. ,','.--.\ ,' \ `.`. / / / /| : : / _ \: |\ \ \ \ / : : /`. | |:| ,'' _``. \ | ,;, . `:\ _: | `,/_\. :`/;' , .:\ ) `'/' _ \ \:\( _|__`>_/`' /(:/ / .\` /: .' ,`.._|_\\' ( _=`;._//_|_..'` \\ :: / '| (__=`, :`||| `,.__) \ : | \ \`.\\__\;|| //`|/ : | | `.._____.-,`'| \\___||// /`-._ | : | : ,<''_\\,.|//_`>. :`._ ;: \ ; ; )`-..______..-'( :\ `-.__.' / ; / /|: : | `.._____.': : _.' / || | | `. : : _.-' / :: ; : `-.____; \; ,' ( \ / )\ / ,' ,'____,' ,`-,.______..-') (__\ _`. (___..'>_>____`.`.'._)_\_>._)-' ,'___`._________) SSt RULES FOR A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween. 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. 2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. ^ / \ ^ _,-~~~--~~~--._ ( \ / \ _,-' `.__ ( \_.---._/ ) ,' `-(_` -' `-. ) / "--.. \.' `/ , `-. : _ .-. _ : / ; : (0).oYo.(0) ; / ` \.-'V'"'V'-./ / ' \\^ ^// /\ / ' : : .-'\\^ ^// ; \ ; / ,' _.-`. `. : \\^_^// ; \ ; ;`. ,'~~-' `. `.`.`-.-' \ |_/ ; `. /-'/___.---. `-. `.`---. \ / | /____.---.))) `-. `---.\ akg \_____/ (____________))))\\\ `-.\\\\ \\\\ 4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice. 5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone. 6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open por- tals to Hell. _ /) mo / ) |/)\) /\_ \__|= ( ) __)(__ _____/ \\_____ | _ ___ _ || | | \ | | \ || | | | | | | || | |_/ | |_/ || | | \ | | || | | \ | | || | | \. _|_. | . || | || | name goes here || | || * | * ** * ** |** ** \))ejm97/.,(//,,..,,\||(,,.,\\,.((// 7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well. 8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT! 9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out! (())) /|x x| /\( - ) ___.-._/\/ /=`_'-'-'/ !! |-{-_-_-} ! (-{-_-_-} ! \{_-_-_} ! }-_-_-} {-_|-_} {-_|_-} {_-|-_} {_-|-_} ZOT ____%%@ @%%_______ 10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. 11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's pro- bably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. 12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. 13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shamb- ling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. _______________________________ |,--------------_--------------- ||______ __,---'_ | ||-- ||__,--'| _,---' || || ______________________ ||__,-: || || ||-- __,--' __,--'| ||;-. : || __: || . ,-_'__________________,--'__,-: | ||/ '>: || ,%%%%%. || |'. . ______ ,'| -',--.: | ||):' : || |%%" o \ || ||.'. . /,----,',|| :<' \/: | || )) : || \%|o 7 | ||__ || || . // ,',' || : `;( : | ||'/ : || \%`..'(____ ||"" || || .|| || || : (( `: __ :: ,mMMm. %%, " ) `. ||__ || || .||: || || : \` ,%%%%%. |MMMMMm / `--' _) \`--- || || .||: || || : ;; %%%%%%%.-"MMMM/ | | _) |\ \ || || .||: || || : __, \%_%%_| `", \ \_,_ _,\| | || || .||: || || '' / `-._/ `._\_) =o.,o= || || .||: || || ; `-. ____:|________|o=__ || || .||:: || || / , \ ------------_|_ -- || || .||:: || || | <; `. \ ___________ ) ( __ || || .||:: || || _ `._/; / | (___) || (| .||::: ||) ||_-'______ ;._ | ; __________________ || || .||::: || ||`.______, |._`--...-|,' ______,'|`.______,' || || .||::: || || | | | `--...-|: | | | | | || || .||::::|| || | : | ; || |: |o|o|: | || || ._\\:::|| || | :: | | : || |:: | | |::: | || ||_,-' \\__|| || |___::_| : || |______| | |__::__| |'.||________`-_|| ,'|,_______`_| ||,_______`_|,'______`_ `. | ||,',' | . : ____`| ________ |_,'___________ ; : | ____________________ .*,--.*,--.*,--.*,--.*,--.*,--.* ;__; : \ ,--.*,--.*,--.*,--.* 'jrei' `--' `--' `--' `--' `--' ` |`'---..__; `--' `--' `--' `--' ,--.*,--.*,--.*,--.*,--.*,--.*,--. '--' '--' --.*,--.*,--.*,--.*,- 14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit un- characteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. 15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Tran- sylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine (or Alabama). 16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten. 17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house. . . . and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL. . . I LOOVEEEE IIIIT... ..... C C / /< / ___ __________/_#__=o /(- /(\_\________ \ \ ) \ )_ \o \ /|\ /|\ |' | | _| /o __\ / ' | / / | /_/\______| ( _( < \ \ \ \ \ | \____\____\ ____\_\__\_\ /` /` o\ |___ |_______|.. . b'ger REMEMBER TO FLOSS AFTER EATING ALL THAT CANDY -<>- What's On the Web? ------------------ ___ .-""-. ___ \ "-. / \ .-" / > -=.\/ \/.=- < > -='/\ /\'=- < /__.-' \ / '-.__\ jgs '-..-' I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2010 With Halloween less than one week away it would be in your best interest to prepare yourself for all of the free candy goodness that awaits you on October 31st! Learn to distinguish good candy from bad candy and make this the best Halloween ever! Candy Corn Suck! Visit: http://bit.ly/93kJIP ------------------------ .*. *' + '* , , *'|'* |`;`;`;`| | |:.'.'.'| | |:.:.:.:| | |::....:| | /` / ` \ | ( .' ^ \^) |_., ( \ -/( ,~`| `~./ )._=/ ) ,, { | ( )| (.~` `~, { | \ _.' \ ) } ; | ;`\ `)-` } _.._ '.(\, ; `\ / `. }__.-'__.-' ( (/-;~~`; `\_/ ; .'` _.-' `/|\/ .'\. /o\ ,`~~`~~~~` \| ` .' \'--' '-` |--',==~~`) (`~~==,_ jgs ,=~` `-. / `~=, ,=` `-._/ `=, 26 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist Just because the word 'sexy' is on your costume's packaging that doesn't make it so. Take a look at these 26 catastrophic costumes before you get yours and look like an ass. Hey, I'm always here to help. Visit: http://bit.ly/9yuCt4 ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) >No More Whining Allowed!!!!! .-. ..'-'.. < {> || || \ }/ |||) || .--.''.--. .---. |||X || | | || || || || |Tissues | ||~|| ||___||_ |________| ||_|| (_):======= oo ldb "Attitude is everything" Have you ever seen a more beautiful smile than this one? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/attitude.html --- ...Agreed! Thanks PatDeE! Also check out this one... http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/attitude2.html -<>- .::\)`:`, .:;\/~`\``;) ,.~-----, ;;==`_ ~:;( ,,~{*}\~~--,.`. ;:== 6 6;;) ,(((((({*});~~. .\ ;;C } )' (('`)))~({*}) . \ .\ :;` `--'; >6 6`({*}))) . \~~ | `____/ ( { ))())) . .`, ____._| |_____. `--' (((())) . | / \ \__ _| | \ `-- )))))) . .| | ) \/\/\_{@} | ,-| ((((((( . | | \_ \ \ | / | / | / ))))))) .| | |\ : \ |/ | Y | (/*@@*( ' ` ) . | \ \ \_\/_/ | | / */ \ \'/ /. | \ \ |o | | \. \ |'@'| .| \ \ | ; ,'--,.,.,., \ ~*@*~. . | \ \_________._--`((,:{@}.:))_\ |~@~| . | \ ' | ((,{@}:{@}.))-----' ;/\ (, \._____________`-__((;,{@},:))_________/|{ | . ; | | | `';{@},) /`-----'\ |. | | .__/\__ | `{@};,; / / | \ \ \/ .| | / :; \ | `(@))\ / \. . | | /! | \| ';; ))_/`-'/`_`., \. | | | ! | | ';(( | | ! `_ \ .| | | ! | | )) | | ! |.\_| | |/ ! | | (/ | | ! | . | | ! | | | | ! |~~~~' >[An Et-Ahem] 50th ANNIVERSARY A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad", gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry", said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing", said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, though we were very poor, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep", said the father, "and cheap ones, too" --- ...Oh My! HaHa! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- Did you swear the witness in Ralf? \ `, ___ # |/ ? Well, he Was swearing... | , )\ / /__/\ \____ ##### ,- / \_/ \ _/_ #### /\,_\ |/| / < _____ _> \ [.[.]-=## ) "\ -|.|--/___/ ,___/___\- /_ )# \ ___Y. _____'-'______|\/______________ |__ # __)/ [_______________________________] \___/ /) \ | | .'\$/\`-. /|| .| | _...._ | ( `.Y.' ( ) __;_||__|_______| ,-' ALT. '-_ |____|:__o___|_|_ [________________| / ASCII- \ |________________] | | | _ _ART ____. | | | Balif | | / / \| ||_)| | | | | RALF | \\_\_/|_|| \|/ | | ____| | -_ ,- | |____ | | `-...,-' | | | | | | |_______________|_____________________________|_______________| >IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No , I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. --- ...TeeHee! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- [POLITICS] ___________ `:::::::::' ':::::::' -._:::::::_.- :""""""""""""""""": : . \ .- . : : : 0 0 .' : : ' ..::. : : ::::::: : .': ':::::' :`. : : "" : : `. : __ :.' ": .' ". : : : : : : ' : :_____ _____: __ : : :.--. grp ." " : ' : '. : .' `-...-"'-..-" Mr. Grumpy >Wal-Mart vs The Morons 1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day. 2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute! 3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year. 4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined. 5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English. 6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world. 7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years. 8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy. 9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world. 10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago. 11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.) 12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart. You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy. This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!! To the President and all 535 voting members of the Legislature, (NO MATTER WHAT PARTY) ?.. It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons: a.. The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke. b.. Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke. c.. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke. d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more. e.. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke. f.. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke. g.. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure. You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars. AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN PROGRAM LIKE HEALTHCARE? Folks, keep this circulating. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' (they never read anything) and their staff will clue them in on how Americans feel. --- ...Yeah, Thank you PatDeE! Well if this doesn't wake them up then hopefully they will KNOW HOW WE FEEl WE WHEN WE VOTE THEM OUT OF OFFICE COME NOV. 2nd! Repulicans ALL The Way! Check this out... >From Independent Woman's Voice: Hold them accountable The ObamaCare pledge the Wall Street Journal endorsed, and Rush Limbaugh said to sign. Make it an issue, have accountability, and establish a mandate. TAKE ACTION: Please go to the site, sign yourself, and ask all incumbents, challengers, and friends to sign. It may be the most important thing you do this election cycle. http://www.therepealpledge.com/ ============================================================= >-->From Our Friend Johanna :) Since I'm from Wisconsin, had to email this to you...... __i |---| |[_]| |:::| |:::| `\ \ \_=_\ jsm >Copper Wire After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.' Just last week The Milwaukee Journal, a local newspaper in Wisconsin, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Two Rivers, Wisconsin, Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless. Thank Heavens for Ole. --- ...Oh Yeah! LOL! Thanks Johanna! -<>- _______ /______/"=, [ | "=, "=,, [-----+----"=,* ) (_---_____---_)/ (O) (O) Emiliano WASH ME - Dirty Car Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/carart.html Dear God, I pray for the cure of cancer. Amen All you are asked to do is keep this circulating. Even if it's only to one more person. In memory of anyone you know who has been struck down by cancer or is still living with it. We Are Not Human Beings Going Through a Temporary Spiritual Experience; We Are Spiritual Beings Going Through a Temporary Human Experience! --- ...Amen! Thank You Johanna! WATCH The Cute 'PINK' video at the end of this one.. |\ \`-. _.._| \ |_,' __`. \ (.\ _/.| _ | ,' __ \ | ,' __/||\ | (Y8P ,/|||||/ | `-'_---- / /`-._.-'/ `-.__.-' jg Why Dogs Bite People! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogsbite.html -<>- >These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read: 1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. 2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. 3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. 4. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation. 5. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. >Political Science 101 A Short Spelling Lesson The last four letters in American........I Can The last four letters in Republican......I Can The last four letters in Democrats.....Rats End of Lesson Test to follow in November --- ...A Great one! Thank You Johanna! I thought about voting early but Fox News says they only count early votes if there is a close race going on. So most of the time, they don't bother to count early votes. I am bent on doing what I advised others to do when we were all mad as hell about them doing what 'we the people' didn't want them to do and they didn't give a frick about us calling them, writing them, sending them faxes or being at town hall meetings or the Tea Party gatherings. They went against us. They did not represent the majority of the people so I vowed NOT to be for them. When I go and vote, I do not care who is on the ballet, a Democrat absolutely will not get my vote. I will vote totally Republican which is odd for me. Usually I vote who I think will do the best job no matter what party they are. Not this time. Republican ALL the way. I want to give the Dems their pink slip and get them OUT of there. They do not deserve the job of being our trusted Representatives. Yep, you guessed it. I am still mad as hell. I don't think republicans are angels or straight as an arrow but as far as I am concerned the Democrats crossed the line. They ignored us and name called us and even threatened us! Do I have a problem knowing who I am going to vote for this November 2nd? Absolutely without a shadow of a doubt - NO! If they have an R beside their name, they'll have my mark with it! ============================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: >From Patriot Update: Fed-up Americans: Fire the Judges, Too! http://tinyurl.com/2drdv3c Union Fires Stagehand for Wearing Bush Hat and Shirt http://tinyurl.com/2bovxyw Obama - Republicans 'Gotta Sit In The Back' http://tinyurl.com/2djlnqt States Weigh Letting Noncitizens Vote http://tinyurl.com/3a3yuj3 -<>- >From WorldNetDaily: No Pledge at debate? Crowd says otherwise At a U.S. congressional candidate debate this past week, the crowd of approximately 300 in attendance drowned out the moderator's objections, not to protest over government policies or to argue some candidate's comments, but to insist upon reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Read the latest now on WND.com. http://tinyurl.com/36pr9al Plus! A rally yesterday at the U.S. Capitol pulled no punches in declaring President Barack Obama an "imposter" and "fraud" who should resign before a constitutional crisis of his own making rips apart the nation. Click here for details. http://tinyurl.com/358n82k FBI informant to Congress: Investigate Ayers, Dohrn now A former undercover FBI informant who once spied on 1970s anti-war radicals who bombed government offices is calling on Congress to set up a committee or task force to bring "terrorists" - including those who may be in high and influential positions today - to justice. The request comes from Larry Grathwohl, whose book "Bringing Down America - An FBI Informer with the Weathermen" alleges Bill Ayers, a friend of President Obama, told Grathwohl that Bernardine Dohrn, who later became Ayers' wife, placed a pipe bomb outside a San Francisco Police Department building Feb. 16, 1970. Read the latest now on WND.com. http://tinyurl.com/2822t6k Plus! What's "in the closet" at the American Conservative Union? ACU staffers repeatedly declined to respond to questions about a report that the organization changed the status of GOProud, a homosexual activist organization that claims to be "conservative," for the 2011 Conservative Political Action Conference. So, we checked the website ... Click here for details. http://tinyurl.com/2efh3qo -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- Three accused in 'black magic' sex trial -------- SYDNEY - Three people are on trial in Australia for allegedly telling people they'd been cursed then luring them to "prayer sessions" that involved sex, officials say. Tony Golossian, 62, Arthur Psichogios, 40, and his wife, Frances Psichogios, 39 have pleaded not guilty to charges, The (Sydney) Daily Telegraph reported Thursday. Crown prosecutor Sarah Huggett said victims were told curses had been put on them and that to remove the curses they had to attend "prayer sessions" where they were blind- folded and sex took place. The women also received phone calls from "demonic voices," Huggett alleged. The fiance of one of the victims also received similar calls telling him not to marry the woman, calls Hugget said were designed to isolate her. The man testified he broke up with his fiancee after the phone calls told him she was sleeping around, the jury in the black magic sex trial heard. -- Mom lectured for giving ducks white bread -------- HAILSHAM, England - A British woman said she was lectured by a city official for feeding white bread to ducks instead of whole grain. Lisa Taplin, 34, of Hailsham, England, said she and her sons, Luke, 4, and Dylan, 2, were feeding the ducks at a local pond when a council warden approached and told her the white bread she was using was "unhealthy" for the water fowl, The Sun reported Thursday. Taplin said the warden told her giving the ducks white bread was "like feed- ing kids chips every day." "He said it would be better to bring whole meal, granary or bird seed. He walked off, leaving me feeling guilty," Taplin said. Nickey Caria, Hailsham's deputy town clerk, said the council warden was "right" to lecture the woman. ============================================================ >-->From Laugh And Lift: "One hundred years from now it won't matter if you got that big break, took the trip to Europe, or finally traded up to a Mercedes... It will greatly matter, one hundred years from now, that you made a commitment to Jesus Christ." -<>- >Quick Jokes ______ _\ _~-\___ = = ==(____AA____D \_____\___________________,-~~~~~~~`-.._ / o O o o o o O O o o o o o o O o |\_ `~-.__ ___..----.. ) `---~~\___________/------------````` = ===(_________D -Roland Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot." -------- Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it -- you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal - looks to good to be true - so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. -------- My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us. "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested. -------- ,,,)),, .' `. _/ \_ (_ O O _) | .:(_):. | _.--\ .___. /--._ ,' |`-.___.-'| `. >--.__|| ||__.--< __/ _)l_______l(_ \___ (__\|_|_|_____________|_|_|/___) |#| /o\_______/o\ |#| |#|| _ ||#| |#|| =(.)__ ||#| |#|| ..(___/.. ||#| |#|| _ ||#| |#|| | ||#| |#|| .^. ||#| |#|l_____|_|_____l|#| .-/ /|:::::::::::::::|\ \-. |/ / |:::::::::::::::j \ \| / / /---------------\ \ \ .-/ / / \ \ \-. |/_/__/___________________\__\_\| || || `|_____________________________|' hjw A little boy said to his mother and father, "I want a little baby sister. All my friends have baby sisters." "Well, you pray for one, and if it's God's will, He will give you one." He prayed for months and finally forgot it. Then one day they took him to grandmother's, and when he returned, his father took him to his mother's bed. His father pulled down the cover and said, "Look, son, a little baby sister." Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister. Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister. "Son," he said, "Aren't you glad you have three baby sisters? Aren't you glad you prayed for a baby sister?" "Yep," the little boy replied, "but aren't you glad I quit when I did?" ------ A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture." -------- The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up. She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'." "Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?" "I'm just visiting here." -------- A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops." -------- Quips: "Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you." - Tommy Smothers ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy "Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." - Fran Lebowitz A golfer came home from a hard eighteen-hole golf match with some of his neighbors. His wife greeted him and said, "Well, honey, did you win the game today?" "Well," he said, "let's put it this way. I got to hit the ball more times than anyone else." ------ A husband raced into the house and said to his wife, "I've found a great job. The salary is good. It offers free medical insurance and paid holidays." "That's wonderful, dear," his wife said. "I thought you'd be pleased," the husband said. "You start tomorrow." -------- .-----. / '. ' .\ |_.__'_.|} (=(_)^(_)=) ;, > ,; ;;;~~~;;; ___.';;;;;'.__ /'`\ `\ /` /`'\ / | | | | \ jgs( | |\_/| | @~ ) | | | | | | | /| | | |\ | \ || | | || / ( || | | || ) | || |___| || | \ ||___|[_]|___O| / | | / \O| | Heaven Sent A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door". The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great, God. This is what you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick......I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car." He said, "SURE". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud..... "THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL." ----- SUBSCRIBE INFO Want to receive a Christian inspirational item AND great clean humor in an email to you each day of the week? It's easy and FREE! Read all about Laugh & Lift at http://www.laughandlift.com ============================================================== >-->From Our Friend Jo Ann :) Waves are my home .:~~--__ __--~~:. Wind is my life ,:;'~'-,__~~--..,---..--~~__,-`~`::. ,:;' ''-,_ (. .)_,-`` `::. ,;' \ `\)/ `:. ' `--' ` __._ _.._ _._ -~~ ~~--..__.._-~~~--..--~~ ~~--.___.---...-'~ ~~---.__seal. >A story - Old Ed: It happened every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun resembled a giant orange and was starting to dip into the blue ocean. Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier. Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now. Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts .... and his bucket of shrimp. Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier. Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds. As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, "Thank you. Thank you." In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn't leave. He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place. Invariably, one of the gulls lands on his sea-bleached, weather-beaten hat-an old military hat he's been wearing for years. When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs, and then they, too, fly away. And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home. If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water, Ed might seem like "a funny old duck," as my dad used to say. Or, "a guy that's a sandwich shy of a picnic," as my kids might say. To onlookers, he's just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp. To the on looker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty. They can seem altogether unimportant ... maybe even a lot of nonsense. Old folks often do strange things, at least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters. Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida . That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better. His full name: Eddie Rickenbacker. He was a famous hero back in World War II. On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his seven-member crew went down. Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft. Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they fought hunger. By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water. They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were. They needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle. They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged. All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft. Suddenly, Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap. It was a seagull! Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next move. With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to grab it and wring its neck. He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal - a very slight meal for eight men - of it. Then they used the intestines for bait. With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait ... and the cycle continued. With that simple survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were found and rescued. (after 24 days at sea...) Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot the sacrifice of that first lifesaving seagull. And he never stopped saying, "Thank you." That's why almost every Friday night he would walk to the end of the pier with a bucket full of shrimp and a heart full of gratitude. (Max Lucad In The Eye of the Storm, pp.221, 225-226) PS: Eddie was also an Ace in WW I and started Eastern Airlines. --- ...Wowsers! Thanks Jo Ann! -<>- , ----. - - ` ,__.,' \ .' *` / | | / **\ . / ****. | mm | ****| \ | ****| ` ._______ \ ****/ \ /`---' \___( /~~~~\ / \ / | \ | | \ , ~~ . |, ~~ . | |\ ( |||| ) ( |||| )(,,,)` ( |||||| )-( |||||| ) | ^ ( |||||| ) ( |||||| ) |'/ ( |||||| )-( |||||| )___,'- ( |||| ) ( |||| ) ` ~~ ' ` ~~ ' >ONE DAY AT A TIME The most useless thing to do ... ........Worry The greatest Joy......... ......... ..... ........Giving The greatest loss........ ......... Loss of self-respect The most satisfying work........ ..... ...Helping others The ugliest personality trait....... ......... ......selfishness The most endangered species..... ......... .....Dedicated leaders The greatest "shot in the arm"........ ......... .Encouragement The greatest problem to overcome.... ..... ....Fear Most effective sleeping pill........ ... ...Peace of mind The most crippling failure disease..... ....Excuses The most powerful force in life........ ...... ........Love The most dangerous pariah...... ......... ......... A gossiper The world's most incredible computer... ...The brain ! The worst thing to be without..... ......... .....Hope The deadliest weapon.... The tongue...... . The two most power-filled words....... ........" I Can" The greatest asset....... ....... ...Faith The most worthless emotion..... ......... ..Self-pity The most prized possession.. ......... .....Integrity The most beautiful attire...... ......... . ...A SMILE! The most powerful channel of communication. .... ...Prayer The most contagious spirit...... ...... .....Enthusiasm The most important thing in life....... ........GOD Everyone needs this list to live by ... Pass it along!!! --- ...That's Right! Thanks Jo Ann! -<>- _____ .---...-. ,' -. `. ,' _____...' / - _ - \ : .' _ _ \\ : ' _)' : | :-(_).(_):: (_ ;) | | -' || \ _ / ; | _ || `..___..' `-'..____.'`' ;._: _; :_ / \ SSt ,' `' `. SSt >A Dollar for Sunday School A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it. "I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied. Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!" -<>- >A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD .0. / \ ; \_/ ; | | | | | | _______; ;_______ `======='\ /`=======` \ / _ | | _ _( \____|=|____/ )_ ( .---. .---. ) `-' / \ '-' / HUG \ ; ; | .---.|__, jgs : / :--' .--\ \ | `" `"".-' < =""` `"== `""""""` =""` `"""===="""` =""` `""==="""` ............... ...................... .......................... ................................. .............................. ................................. ................................... .............................. .................................... ............................... Rats! ... I forgot what it was.... --- ...LOL! Thanks Jo Ann! -<>- _,---. (/_/)))) \c e_e) . \ = ) _| ,-` -(_ |o| / `-'\\ |#{) /__| ._ _)y / < \ (\_/ `.\ ____\ ,>>> | .==T=T==.__| | | / | |\ |_______| \ / /\ \ / ,' `. \ / / \ \ <\_\_ \ \ `---` (_`-\_ `---' hjw >Women's Right to Vote Woman - Darkest Before Dawn! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/womandbd.html --- ...Thank You For This Great Reminder Jo Ann! Ladies we WON The right to Vote - it was a tough fight, but we did it! So Go Out THERE And Claim Our Victory - VOTE! You'll feel better once you do! ============================================================== >-->From AndyChaps: ** "They've got people running countries who shouldn't be allowed to play with matches." ~~~-- Will Rogers ** "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." ~~~- George Carlin ** Nothing multiplies so much as kindness. ~~~ohn Ray (1627-1705) Naturalist ** The best memory is that which forgets nothing but injuries. Write kindness in marble and write injuries in the dust. ~~~Persian Proverb ** The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. ~~~-Tom Clancy ** Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He strained himself. ** We can only be happy when we do not assume that the object of life is happiness. ~~~George Orwell ** There is no such thing as the pursuit of happiness, there is only the discovery of joy. Joyce Grenfell -<>- __ | +| ,,,|__| $$$ , , $$C > $$$; _< _______/ /_ ___ | |__` \~/o\ _,]-]___]-----> | / \( ) )\/.-// _( \ ) / \ | //| / ,/ \/ '/ o \ / o \ /______/\_\ \ || / \ || / \ || / / )( \ |/ \| :] [: o| |o /o| |o\ b'ger `-' `-' ** Redneck Medical Terms ** Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma........................A punctuation mark. D&C.........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.......................Not a friend. Fester......................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. Genital.....................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates. Node........................I knew it. Outpatient..................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative..............A letter carrier. Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................Pretty near killed him. Secretion...................Hiding something Seizure.....................Roman emperor. Tablet......................A small table. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................More than one. Urine.......................Opposite of you're out Varicose....................Near by -<>- ** The Job Applicant ** The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'" -<>- ** What Stopped Him ** A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied. "What stopped him?" "I started talking about my next husband." -<>- _________ |=========| __[]__ _ \_______/ +================+ /______\ __(_)__ () \_____/ () `-+ +-----+---+ | |------| /_______\ /__\ | | +======+ | | | | +-+------+-. |=======| <____> | | || || | | | | |o \_|___ __|__//\\__|___|_+======+ | +=========+ |o o||=+ | * * |o o|||| | --%-- |o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o||=+ +=====================================+-----------+====+ |==/ ------ \=====/ ------ \===%--||o o||____ // \ L_/__\___//_\__L_/__\_/ %=||o~~~~~~~~o||===\\_____ ||__ /. ___________ . ______/ +==============+ \ \_ || \__/ || || \__/ || //--\\ //--\\\\ \ \ \\\_ \\ / || \ // \\ / || \ // (( <> ))(( <> ))\\_\_\_\_\\\\ \========/ \========/ \____/ \____/ `-----------+ andre dziedzic - targi@angelone.line.org ** What I'm Waiting For ** This woman buys a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. She reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Thinking that she must have done "something" wrong she, rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again. Now, fed up, she calls Customer Services. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a Technician to have a look. The Technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the Technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says ... "That's a nice looking cupboard," and opens it. Says the Technician ... "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for the train". -<>- _,-\/-,_ \ / \_.._/ _,/ \,_ / \ / \ ,\ ) ( /, (__/ .''. \__) \,_|| / | ||\ | | /|| \| () || () // || || // || || // || || // || /\ -- '' -'-' ^^' )( '^^-- '' -'-' miK (==) `~` ** Occupational Hymns ** ** Airport Security: "Search Me, O God" ** Architect: "How Firm A Foundation" ** Baker: "I Need Thee Every Hour" ** Baker: "When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder" ** Body-Piercing Technician: Take Time To Be Holy" ** Breadmaker: "I Need Thee Every Hour" ** Contractor: "The Church's One Foundation" ** Criminal: "Search Me, O God" ** Day Laborer: "Work, For the Night Is Coming" ** E-Mailer: "So Send I You" ** Fireman: "Rescue the Perishing" ** Gardener: "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming" ** Geologist: "Rock of Ages" ** Gossip: "Pass It On" ** Hematologist: "Are You Washed in the Blood?" ** Home Room Teacher: "When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder" ** Jurist: "Almost Persuaded" ** K-9 Police Officer: "Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow" ** Librarian: "Whispering Hope" ** Lifeguard: "Rescue the Perishing" ** Men's Wear Clerk: "Blest Be the Tie" ** Paramedic: "Revive Us Again" ** Pilot: "I'll Fly Away" ** Playground Monitor: "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" ** Postal Worker: "So Send I You" ** Prompter: "Whispering Hope" ** Psychiatrist: Just a Little Talk with Jesus ** Security Guard: "Search Me, O God" ** Shoe Repairer: "It Is Well With My Soul " ** Street-Lamp Lighter: "This Little Light Of Mine" ** Tax Collector: "I Surrender All" ** Telemarketer: "A Charge To Keep Have I" ** Travel Agent: "Anywhere With Jesus" ** Umpire: "I Need No Other Argument" ** Waiter: "Fill My Cup, Lord" ** Zookeeper: "All Creatures of Our God And King" -<>- .. |\\ .====^^\\==. |\ || |\ kya :X"====^^====' \|XXXXXXXXXX| """"""""""" ** Why So Gloom ** The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!" -<>- ,-=-. [[_ @~] ((a a)) ` = ' _.-) (-._ /( ("+") )\ / \ \./ / \ (=<( \/8\/ )>=) \ \- 8| -/ / \/_> 8|<_\/ ;-.__;,-; | | | | | | | | '-.___,;' ) ) / ' |( ) ( \_ /_|^--' gpyy \_! ** Military wisdom ** ** "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. " Paul Rodriguez ** "Aim towards the Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher ** When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. ** A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. ** Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. ** Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. ** If the enemy is in range, so are you. ** It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. ** Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. ** You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me. ** Tracers work both ways. ** Five second fuses only last three seconds. ** Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. ** Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. ** If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush. ** No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. ** Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once. ** Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. ** Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. ** Mines are equal opportunity weapons. ** If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. -<>- _,,,_ .' `'. / ____ \ | .'_ _\/ / ) a a| / ( > | ( ) ._ / ) _/-.__.'`\ ( .-'`-. \__ ) `/ `-./ `. | \ \ \ jgs | \ \ \ \ |\ `. / / \ ** Lessons For Women About Men ** ** ~ If you want a nice man, go for a bald one ... they try harder. ** ~ Go for younger men. You might as well ... they never mature anyway. ** ~ A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do. ** ~ Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the do-it-yourself types. ** ~ Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman. ** ~ There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ...strong, caring, loving ... they'd be wrong but you could still use them! ** ~ Men's brains are like the prison system ... not enough cells per man. ** ~ Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. ** ~ Men are like animals ... messy, insensitive and potentially violent but they make great pets! ** ~ Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. ** ~ Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's. ** ~ The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've gotten sick of him. ** ~ Men are all the same ... they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. ================================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Chinese Wal-Mart! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chinawalmart.html WORMS! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/worms.html Tech Horror Stories! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tech.html Enter At Your Own Risk! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/risky.html Halloween Cakes! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hcakes.html Horse Costumes! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/horsecostumes.html Amazing Street-Legal Airplane! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/transition.html Black Deer Fawn! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/deer.html Moon Photography Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moonart.html Playing WIth Food! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/food.html Balloon Party! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/party.html Harvest Moonbow! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moonbow.html -<>- >From Our Friend Sandi :) READ CAREFULLY BEFORE CLICKING ON THE LINK There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen. Almost 8000 people were tested to see if they could find the differences and only 19 got it. See how observant you are and if you find all 3 differences, you are one of the most elite people in the world! http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf -<>- Funny Halloween ecard! http://tinyurl.com/yhgp2lz --- ...TeeHee! Good ones! Thanks Sandi! -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Bud Light Cat http://www.buffaloschips.com/1211.htm Bud Light Frisbee http://www.buffaloschips.com/1212.htm Bud Ads http://www.buffaloschips.com/1213.htm Buddy Greene Harmonica http://www.buffaloschips.com/1215.htm Bud Light Clown http://www.buffaloschips.com/1216.htm Digital Video Services http://www.buffaloschips.com/50211.htm Bowotox http://www.buffaloschips.com/50212.htm Gettin Clean http://www.buffaloschips.com/50213.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================ >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs." - Christopher Hampton "I can resist anything but temptation." - Oscar Wilde (Lady Windermere's Fan, 18892, Act I) "It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety." - Isaac Asimov "The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." -- Franklin P. Jones "Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better." --Laurie Anderson "Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege." --Unknown "If I'm lazy and I can't come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write 'Freudian' on it." -- 'O' star JULIA STILES, on Halloween. "Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake." "For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?" --Jack Handey "The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a mind-bogglingly stupid animal. It assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you -- daft as a brush, but very very ravenous." --Douglas Adams, THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************