What's That Deer And More... :) Shangy!
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
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================
>-->In The 'Shangy' News :)
I pray each of you had a blessed Merry Christmas and Holiday
celebration! I had a very nice time with my family and
grandchildren. Children grow up so quickly it is best to enjoy
time with them while we can! Celebrating our Lord Jesus Christ's
birthday is always a good time!
.--,
.-. __,,,__/ |
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| | `)
\ ` `\ ;
/ , , |
| / : O /_
| O .--;__ '.
| ( )`. |
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\ ,_ _.-./` /
\ \``-.( /
| `---' /--.
,--\___..__ _.' /--.
jgs \ `-._ _`/ ' '.
.' ` ' . `` ' .
It won't be long, we'll be embarking on a whole New Year! Wow.
2018 is coming up fast! Where did 2017 go?
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. Huggums!... :) Shangy!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
_.-'`'-._
.-' _ '-.
`-.__ `\_.-'
| `-``\|
jgs `-.....-A
#
#
>What the Professor Says (What the Professor Really Means)
This needs some minor revision.
(I never actually got around to reading this.)
My office hours are by appointment only.
(I like to get out of here early.)
Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
(I'll be fudging your grades.)
This won't be on the test.
(Nap time!)
Bring the text to class.
(I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time
with group read-alongs.)
Talk to the department secretary.
(Get lost.)
Talk to me in my office after class.
(Get out of my face.)
The tests will all be multiple-choice.
(I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad
students do all my grading.)
Don't come in late during my lecture.
(I have the attention span of a fruit fly.)
Save your questions until the end.
(See above.)
The final will be comprehensive.
(I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't
fully cover myself in 15 weeks.)
Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
(This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let
YOU teach.)
There are two TAs available to help you.
(I can't be bothered.)
This year I'll be scaling the grades.
(I just passed tenure review.)
Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
(I have a hangover.)
Let's have class outdoors today!
(I had beans for lunch.)
You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
(My contract wasn't picked up.)
Please note the last day to withdraw.
(The midterm's gonna suck.)
The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
(I only got around to making up the test last night.)
The second list is optional reading.
(I have a rich fantasy life.)
I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
(The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at
the last possible minute.)
Well, it was on the syllabus.
(I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it
myself.)
We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
(There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.)
Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
(See above.)
Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
(I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.)
Read chapters 5 through 10.
(I'm not coming in at all next week.)
We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
(I screwed up the lecture schedule.)
Let's go over the exam.
(Half of you failed.)
It was in the textbook.
(I pulled it out of thin air.)
I'm postponing today's exam.
(There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.)
Don't write on the question sheet.
(I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.)
-<>-
FARMER (boasting): I've got thousands of cows.
VISITOR: That's a lot of cows.
FARMER: And that's not all. I've also got thousands of bulls.
VISITOR: That's a lot of bull.
-<>-
(\ (\ /) /)
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//\\ //\\
(/ /,\ .-. /,\ \)
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/ // / \ /`-. '-.
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/_// /` / / \ |
(_(/ / /_/ | |
/_/ jgs (_( |_|
(_( (_(
>What's That Deer?
Q: What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
A: This one will sleigh you!
Q: Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
A: Because they are both tail bearers!
Q: Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
A: Because they would look silly in plastic macs!
Q: How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
A: Don't feed it!
Q: Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
A: Because his brown ones were all muddy!
Q: How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A: Just long enough to reach the ground!
Q: Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
A: Because he didn't want to be recognized!
Q: Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
A: The smallest ones!
Q: Where do you find reindeer?
A: It depends on where you leave them!
Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
A: Baby reindeer!
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
December 26 is Boxing Day
December 27 is Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day and National Fruitcake Day
December 28 is Card Playing Day
December 29 Pepper Pot Day
December 30 is Bacon Day and National Bicarbonate of Soda Day
December 31 is Make Up Your Mind Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
>Liturgical Response
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The
officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation
used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."
But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The
Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."
One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system
was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone,
he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong
with this!"
Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And
also with you."
-<>-
>Christmas Turkey
One year at Christmas, Mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, Mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
store.
When my sister left, Mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey,
then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a
look of total shock on her face, Mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
-<>-
.--------------.
|~ ~|
|H____________H|
|.------------.|
||::.. __ ||
|'--------'--''|
| '. ______ .' |
| _ |======| _ |
|(_)|======|(_)|
|___|======|___|
[______________]
|##| |##|
jrei '""' '""
>STORY TIME - The Folded Napkin - A Truck Stop Story
I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His
placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable
busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and
wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react
to Stevie.
He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and
thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most
of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who
buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are
homemade.
The ones who concerned me were the mouthy college kids traveling to
school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with
their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ";
the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think
every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those
people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him
for the first few weeks...
I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff
wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck
regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.
After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers
thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes,
eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to
his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place,
not a breadcrumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done
with the table.
Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until
after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background,
shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining
room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table
and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto his cart and meticulously
wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag.
If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with
added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right,
and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every
person he met.
Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was
disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their
Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck
stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so
often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight,
and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being
able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's
why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the
first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.
He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or
something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with
Downs Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this
wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through
the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.
A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when
word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.
Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance
in the aisle when she heard the good news.
Bell Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the
sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy
beside his table.
Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Bell Ringer a withering look.
He grinned. "OK, Frannie, what was that all about?" he asked.
"We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay."
"I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was
the surgery about?"
Frannie quickly told Bell Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at
his booth about Stevie's surgery then sighed: "Yeah, I'm glad he is
going to be OK," she said. "But I don't know how he and his Mom are
going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely
getting by as it is."
Bell Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on
the rest of her tables. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy
to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls
were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do.
After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a
couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.
What's up?" I asked.
"I didn't get that table where Bell Ringer and his friends were
sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper
were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said. "This
was folded and tucked under a coffee cup."
She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk
when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed
"Something For Stevie."
"Pony Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told
him about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony
and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this."
She handed me another paper napkin that had "'Something For Stevie"'
scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds.
Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said
simply: "Truckers!!"
That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day
Stevie is supposed to be back to work.
His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the
doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a
holiday. He called ten times in the past week, making sure we knew he
was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in
jeopardy.
I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in
the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back.
Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed
through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and
busing cart were waiting.
"Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said. I took him and his
mother by their arms. "Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you
coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!"
I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room.
I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we
marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw
booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession.
We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with
coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked
on dozens of folded paper napkins.
"First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said.
I tried to sound stern.
Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of
the napkins. It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside. As
he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.
Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from
beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it.
I turned to his mother. "There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks
on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard
about your problems. Happy Thanksgiving."
Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and
shouting, and there were a few tears, as well.
But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking
hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his
face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table....
Best worker I ever hired.
Plant a seed and watch it grow.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
This is most of us.
vv
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vvv^^^^^vvvv^^^^^^vvvvv^^vvvvvvvvv^^^^^^vvvvv^
vvvvvvvvvv^^^v^^^vvvvvv^^vvvvvvvvvv^^^vvvvvvvvv
^vv^^^vvvvvvv^^vvvvv^^^^^^^^vvvvvvvvv^^^^^^vvvvvv
^vvvvvvvvv^^^^vvvvvv^^^^^^vvvvvvvv^^^vvvvvvvvvv^v
^^^^^^vvvv^^vvvvv^vvvv^^^v^^^^^^vvvvvv^^^^vvvvv
vvvv^^vvv^^^vvvvvvvvvv^vvvvv^vvvvvv^^^vvvvvvv^^vvvvv^
vvv^vvvvv^^vvvvvvv^^vvvvvvv^^vvvvv^v##vvv^vvvv^^vvvvv^v
^vvvvvv^^vvvvvvvv^vv^vvv^^^^^^_____##^^^vvvvvvvv^^^^
^^vvvvvvv^^vvvvvvvvvv^^^^/\@@@@@@\#vvvv^^^
^^vvvvvv^^^^^^vvvvv/__\@@@@@@\^vvvv^v
;^^vvvvvvvvvvv/____\@@@@@@\vvvvvvv
; \_ ^\|[ -:] ||--| | _/^^
; \ |[ :] ||_/| |/
; \\ ||___:]______/
; \ ;=; /
; | ;=;|
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unknown
>Reflections - CHILDREN OF THE GREATEST GENERATION
Born in the 1930s and early 40s, we exist as a very special age cohort.
We are the Silent Generation.
We are the smallest number of children born since the early 1900s. We
are the "last ones."
We are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can
remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war which rattled
the structure of our daily lives for years.
We are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to
sugar to shoes to stoves.
We saved tin foil and poured fat into tin cans.
We saw cars up on blocks because tires weren't available.
We can remember milk being delivered to our house early in the morning
and placed in the “milk box” on the porch.
We are the last to see the gold stars in the front windows of our
grieving neighbors whose sons died in the War.
We saw the 'boys' home from the war, build their little houses.
We are the last generation who spent childhood without television;
instead, we imagined what we heard on the radio.
As we all like to brag, with no TV, we spent our childhood "playing
outside”.
We did play outside, and we did play on our own.
There was no little league.
There was no city playground for kids.
The lack of television in our early years meant, for most of us, that
we had little real understanding of what the world was like.
On Saturday afternoons, the movies, gave us newsreels of the war
sandwiched in between westerns and cartoons.
Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party Lines) and hung on
the wall.
Computers were called calculators, they only added and were hand
cranked; typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the
carriage, and changing the ribbon.
The ‘internet’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.
Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was
broadcast on our table radio in the evening by Gabriel Heatter.
We are the last group who had to find out for ourselves.
As we grew up, the country was exploding with growth.
The G.I. Bill gave returning veterans the means to get an education and
spurred colleges to grow.
VA loans fanned a housing boom.
Pent up demand coupled with new installment payment plans put factories
to work.
New highways would bring jobs and mobility.
The veterans joined civic clubs and became active in politics.
The radio network expanded from 3 stations to thousands of stations.
Our parents were suddenly free from the confines of the depression and
the war, and they threw themselves into exploring opportunities they had
never imagined.
We weren't neglected, but we weren't today's all-consuming family focus
They were glad we played by ourselves until the street lights came on.
They were busy discovering the post war world.
We entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where
we were welcomed.
We enjoyed a luxury; we felt secure in our future.
Depression poverty was deep rooted.
Polio was still a crippler.
The Korean War was a dark presage in the early 50s and by mid-decade
school children were ducking under desks for Air-Raid training.
Russia built the “Iron Curtain” and China became Red China .
Eisenhower sent the first 'advisers' to Vietnam.
Castro set up camp in Cuba and Khrushchev came to power.
We are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no
threats to our homeland.
We came of age in the 40s and 50s. The war was over and the cold war,
terrorism, “global warming”, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet
to haunt life with unease.
Only our generation can remember both a time of great war, and a time
when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty.
We have lived through both.
We grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting
better. not worse.
We are the Silent Generation - "The Last Ones"
More than 99 % of us are either retired or deceased, and we feel
privileged to have "lived in the best of times"!
---
...So True! It's a whole different world now. Thanks LouiseAu!
And God still is able to awe and amaze us with His creation! We are
learning new things all the time! Praise God!
-<>-
_
( ) ,,,,,
\\ . . ,
\\ | - D
(._) \__- |
| |
\\|_ , ,---- _ |----.
\__ ( ( / ) _
| \/ \. ' _.| \ ( )
| \ /( / /\_ \ //
\ / ( / / ) //
( , / / , (_.)
|......\ | \,
/ / ) \---
b'ger /___/___^//
>Exercise?
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
I used to watch golf on TV, but my doctor told me that I need more
exercise; so now I watch tennis.
If exercise and work pay off in the future, shouldn't laziness pay off
now?
A daily exercise regime never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Isn't having good health merely the slowest possible way you can die?
The act of banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 80. She's
97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
have put them further up on our body.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
---
...TeeHee! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
O_ __)(
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: : /|`
| | ((|_ ,-.
; - /: ,' `:(( -\
/ -' `: ____ \\\-:
_\__ ____|___ \____|_
; | | '-` :
:_____|:|__________________:
; |:| :
: |:| :
;_______`'___________________:
: :
|______________________________|
`---.--------------------.---'
|____________________|
| |
|____________________|
|SSt |
_\|_\|_\/(__\__)\__\//_|(_
>Smiles
The wife of a prominent gentleman was being tried for the
murder of her third husband. A lawyer asked, 'What happened
to your first husband?'
'He died of mushroom poisoning.' said the wife.
'How about your second husband?' asked the lawyer.
'He died of mushroom poisoning, too,' said the woman.
'Well, then,' asked the lawyer, 'what about your third husband?'
The wife, replied, 'He died of a brain concussion.'
The lawyer asked, 'Why did that happen?'
The wife paused, and then said, 'He didn't like mushrooms!'
----------
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory and, once all the
mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors
is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay, Simpson," grills the
investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I
saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket to light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator asked, in stunned
horror. "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir."
"Twenty years in the company, and then he goes and strikes a match in
the mixing room, I'd have thought that would have been the LAST thing
he'd have done!"
"It was, sir...."
----------
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good
news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started
saving for in 1989."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1989 Cadillac."
----------
A little girl was fascinated when her grandfather took out his false
teeth and began brushing them. She asked him to remove his teeth again.
She stood there amazed, then demanded, 'Now, take off your nose.'
----------
How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde
waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street
and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his
car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was
broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood
everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from
fainting!"
-------
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The interviewer asks, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and asks, "Why, how big is the bloody teapot?"
----------
The rain fell, the water rose, and folks in the town scrambled up onto
their rooftops to safety. They hollered across the flood to one
another, made sure everybody was accounted for, and excitedly identified
things that floated by:
"There goes Jack's tool shed!"
"Isn't that Betsy's front porch swing?"
"Golly, the Preacher's whole garage!"
Then somebody noticed a little straw hat behaving oddly. It floated
downstream about 60 feet, then stopped and came back upstream! After 60
feet or so it floated back downstream, then stopped and came upstream
again. Nobody could figure it out!
Finally little Billy piped up: "Well, this morning Granddad said he was
gonna mow the front lawn, come hell or high water."
----------
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the
children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked
them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA be dead!"
----------
We bought our dream house years ago and furnished it with quality
pieces, only as we could afford them. When the delivery truck unloaded
our final purchase, a bedroom suite, I told the driver, "Finally! I've
been waiting twelve years for this!"
He responded, "Don't blame me, lady. They gave me the order just this
morning!"
----------
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate?"
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made
the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of
worth to work endless hours.
"It will someday enable men to span the universe and light years of
travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is Fate?"
"Oh, FATE! I thought you'd asked FREIGHT."
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Linda :)
__ @@;,
( ; ? : );
_| |_ | | || | | _| |_
| \ \ \/ || \/ ___ / / |
__| |\ __||____||___||______/| |
||| | |_______ _________| | |||
||| |____ | | ____| ||| Design by
\ \______ ) | | / ______/ /
|| | | | | | /___| || Samule J. Neptune
|| | | |_ /| | |\ _| || ||
|| | \__, / | | | \<__/ | ||
>TIPS - 12 Ways to Save Your Extra Food
Food is one of the easiest expenses to forget all about, especially
because we waste so much of it. On the other hand, it's hard to buy the
exact right amount you need, so who can blame us? But there are ways to
waste less on food and reuse it instead of just throwing it away. Here
I've collected 12 ways for you to save up on your extra food:
1. Reusing Green onions
It may sound strange but this is true. Green onions can grow back when
you save their white roots. How? Just cut off the green leave and put
the white ends in a cup of water. Put the cup on a sunny window seal.
The onions will start growing almost immediately, and you will be able
to harvest the green leaves almost indefinitely.
From time to time empty the water, rinse the roots and return them to a
cup of fresh water.
2. Reusing Ground Coffee
Ground, used or dried coffee can be used to solve a lot of situations,
so before you throw it to the floor, you can:
- Use it as an ant repellant by spreading it a little where ant groups
can be found.
- For skin peeling, you can massage coffee grains on your face and
rinse.
- To fertilize plants, you can spread ground coffee on acidic earth
- To neutralize bad odors from the freezer, put a bowl of ground coffee
(you can add a few drops of vanilla extract).
- To remove scents of foods from your hands, we recommend rubbing them
together with ground coffee and then washing.
- To get fleas away from your dog, wash him, then rub ground coffee on
his fur, and then wash him again.
3. Peels vs. Insects
While the citrus fruit gives the body essential vitamins, its peel is
also quite useful. It helps keep away flying insects and ants, as well
as neutralize bad moldy smells. Use a scraped peel to rub on surfaces
that attract a lot of flying insects or ants.
Another option is to the peels in a blender, add a glass of water and
grind until getting a smooth mixture. Then, pour the liquid on ant
hills or on the entrance to the house. To get rid of moldy smells, put
an orange peel in a cloth bag and hang it in old closets. You can also
throw a citrus fruit peel in the trash compactor to get rid of bad
odors.
'."""""""""""""""""`.
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4. Ripe Banana to Bake
Banana which are too ripe may not be good for eating, but they can
become delicious banana bread. So instead of throwing them away, make
a terrific and delicious dessert.
See Best Banana Bread Recipe Here:
http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/best-banana-bread-2886
5. From Dry Munchies to Crunchy Munchies
Snacks such as potato chips or crackers are expensive and can take a
big bite out of your budget over time, and so it can be quite annoying
when a big bag of chips or crackers gets too dry after only a few days.
However, instead of throwing them away, put them in the microwave for
10 seconds. They will make a short trip back in time to a higher level
of crunchiness.
Another option is to preheat an oven or toaster-oven to 200 degrees C,
put the crackers or chips on baking paper (one layer) and heat for 1-2
minutes. Carefully, take them out of the oven when they begin to get
golden, and the crunchiness shall return.
Please note: The freshness cannot be returned to crackers or chips who
have begun to give a bad odor, are moldy or hardly have any taste.
6. Crumbs Will Do!
A moment before you throw away bags of pretzels, croutons, cereal,
crackers or other snacks that have crumbs - collect the crumbs in one
big plastic bag and crush the crumbs with a rolling pin. Then you can
use them to dress up other courses or freeze them in big chunks and
then cook slightly for resurrected snacking.
_______
/ )
/_____ | ______
( ' ) / / __\ _____
|. '| / | \ | / ))
|____|/ |`-----' /_____))
`-----' `------' cf
7. From Old Bread to Croutons
Don't throw away old bread! You can dice it, fry it with butter and
make delicious croutons for your salad or soup. HOW?
Dice the dry bread. If it is a bit too dry, put it on a baking pan and
warm it for about 10 minutes until the surface becomes very dry. Put a
pan on a medium to high fire and melt a little butter. Put the bread
dices in the pan and mix until all the sides begin to turn brown. When
the bread has been toasted, remove from the fire. If you do not plan on
using the croutons right away, let them cool and only then put them in
storage.
8. Dry Rice for Drying
If you have encountered an old bag of rice and you're worried it's no
longer good enough to eat, don't throw it away. Instead, next time
something gets wet (like your phone, for instance) put the rice in a
bowl and the wet object on the rice. The rice will drain the liquids
from the object. So if it is your cell phone, for example, wait 24
hours and then turn it back on.
9. Defunking that dish sponge
If you need to clean and you are out of good sponges, just put that old
funky one in the microwave for 2 minutes. It will look much cleaner
after 99% of its germs have been killed, and will be almost good as new.
CAREFUL! Do NOT put any sponges that have any metal fibers in them, as
no metal can be put inside a microwave!
10. Getting More from Your Lemon
If you need to add just a few drops of lemon to a recipe, don't cut it
in half. Instead, prick it with a tooth pick and gently squeeze out the
amount you need. Cover the hole with a little tape or paper and put the
lemon back in the fridge to be used again later.
////////////////////////
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////////////////////////| |
| _\/_ | _\/_ | |
| )o(> | <)o( | |
| _/ <\ | /> \_ | |
| (_____) | (_____) | |_
| ~~~oOo~~~ | ~~~0oO~~~ |/__|
_|====\_=====|=====_/====|_ ||
|_|\_________ O _________/|_|||
||//////////|_|\\\\\\\\\\|| ||
|| || |\_\\ || ||
||/|| \\_\\ ||/||
||/|| \)_\) ||/||
|| || \ o / || ||
|| \ / || LGB
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||
________
\________/======
/ ( || ) \
11. Oiled Eggs for Extra Freshness
To prolong the life of fresh eggs, dip a paper towel in plant oil and
gently rub the egg shells before putting them in the fridge for
storage. The oil will keep those eggs fresh for another 3-4 weeks.
12. Too Many Potatoes? Not a Bad Thing!
You peeled too many potatoes or sweet potatoes? Don't throw out the
extra ones or cook too much. Just take the uncooked ones, put them in
a bowl with cold water, add a few drops of vinegar and put in the
fridge. The potatoes will last like this for another 3-4 days.
---
...Excellent tips! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
WhiteHouse:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Under President Donald J. Trump, Americans Are Getting Back To Work!
AMERICA’S ECONOMY IS FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS: President Donald J. Trump
has unleashed America’s economic growth engine and ushered in a new era
of economic optimism.
https://tinyurl.com/y9n68bsz
Latest At FoxNews:
http://www.foxnews.com/
Latest From MRC News:
https://tinyurl.com/ya6uruck
Latest From TrueDailyNews:
http://truedaily.news/category/news/
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
There's a new danger lurking in your home this holiday season.
Silent and sinister. And the irony is, you probably brought it
home yourself. The deadly Christmas tree.
Experts are calling it 'Christmas Tree Syndrome' and it strikes
those with particularly acute allergies.
Real trees can trigger an allergic reaction with symptoms that
can include: wheezing, coughs, congestion, sore eyes and
potentially life-threatening asthma attacks.
The problem is so small you can't even see it; dust, pollen
and the sinister mold.
"What they're allergic to is the mold that settles on the tree
during its growing time and arguably sometimes when it's
waiting to be sold here on the lot," said Jimmy Coan, who is
a Christmas tree farmer.
One study found the mold count from a live Christmas tree rose
to five times the normal level two weeks after the tree was
brought indoors. Doctors say another possible allergy issue is
the water in tree stands can grow mold too.
Recommended solutions are to give your tree a good shake
before bringing it indoors. And if your allergies are
particularly bad, thoroughly spray the branches and trunk with
your garden hose and then let it dry outside for a day. All of
the shaking and spraying should get rid of most of the dust
and pollen, as well the needles.
Doctors say people with these allergies should probably only
keep a live Christmas tree in the house for only four to
seven days.
Or, you know, you could spend a hundred bucks on an artificial
tree.
-<>-
Police in California arrested a "criminal Santa" who had
to be rescued from the chimney of a business he allegedly
intended to burgle. The Citrus Heights Police Department
said officers responded with the Sacramento Metro Fire
Department on Wednesday to a business where a man had
called 911 from his cellphone while lodged inside the
chimney.
Firefighters used "specialized equipment" to hoist the man,
Rocklin resident Jesse Berube, 32, out of the chimney.
Police said the man had attempted to shimmy down the chimney
to gain access to the business, which was closed at the
time, but found he was wedged in place and could move
neither up nor down.
"Fortunately, Berube was able to move just enough to call
for help," police said.
Berube, who was covered in soot but uninjured, was arrested
on a burglary charge. The police department said the
"criminal Santa does not have the same skills as the real
deal."
Why do crooks keep trying this trick? It never works!
-<>-
(In Christmas Past 2015)
Is it a Christmas tragedy or a Christmas miracle? For one
newborn in New York, today's story just might turn out to
be a miracle.
A maintenance worker at the Holy Child Jesus Catholic Church
was startled to hear the sounds of a baby crying coming from
the church's altar.
When the custodian investigated the sound he found a baby
crying inside the nativity scene, which had been set up as
usual for Christmas.
"The secretary burst in and said, 'Father, there's an
emergency in the church, you have to come,'" Rev. Christopher
Ryan Heanue said.
Inside Baby Jesus' spot in the manger was a newborn, a few
hours old at most. Bishop Octavio Cisnero, also there,
couldn't believe his eyes.
"There was a baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes, in a towel,"
said Cisnero. "The umbilical cord was still hanging from the
baby."
EMTs checked out the baby, and he appeared to be healthy.
Heanue said surveillance video captured an anonymous woman
entering the church about 20 minutes before the baby was
found.
While the mother obviously did not want the little bundle
of life, Rev. Heanue said the parish has taken a special
interest in the baby and some members have expressed an
interest in adopting.
"This child, we believe, is a gift, almost, to this parish,"
he said.
It is not clear if the woman will face charges if she is
identified.
*-- Police: Santa enters through the drive-through window,
robs KFC --*
ALFRETON, England - Santa Claus is known for entering
through chimneys, but British police said a not-so-jolly
St. Nick climbed in a KFC drive-through window and
demanded cash. Police said the "Bad Santa" was armed with
a large knife instead of a sack of toys Saturday night
when he climbed through the drive-through window of the
KFC in Alfreton, England, and demanded access to the
eatery's safe. "A man dressed as Santa Claus entered the
building through the drive-through window and demanded
access to the safe," a Derbyshire police spokesman told
the Derby Telegraph. "He has reinforced that with a knife.
Staff have quite rightly backed off and allowed him that
and he has then exited the scene with a quantity of money."
The spokesman said the suspect was decked out in festive
apparel during the incident. "He was wearing a red hat,
red jacket and a black top," the spokesman said. "He also
had red trousers with a Santa theme and black trainers on."
KFC said no one was hurt during the incident and employees
are being offered "any support they need."
*-- Police: Man with marijuana in his ear called 911 for
rolling papers --*
WAYNESBORO, Va. - Authorities in Virginia said a man busted
for marijuana possession had called 911 "in a disoriented
state" and requested delivery of rolling papers. The
Waynesboro Police Department said Kyle Dustin Head, 24,
of Waynesboro, is believed to have been under the influence
of marijuana early Thursday when he called 911 and asked a
dispatcher to bring him rolling papers. Two officers were
dispatched to Head's location and he was found sitting in
a parked 2005 Chevrolet pick-up truck. The officers
detected the odor of marijuana and "noticed the green
leafy substance on Head's clothing, the dash board of his
truck, the passenger seat and in his right ear." Police
did speculate as to how marijuana ended up in the suspect's
ear, but the situation led them to announce a "pot head
named Head has pot on head" in a news release. Head
allegedly told officers he had thought he was calling a
friend when he asked the 911 dispatcher to bring him
papers. Head was cited for misdemeanor marijuana
possession.
(Present Day)
*----- New Yorkers Have a New Ax To Grind -----*
A newly-opened business in New York is aiming to bring
popularity to an unusual sport that's popular in Canada -- ax
throwing. The Kick Axe ax-throwing range in Brooklyn allows
aspiring lumberjacks of all ages to throw 1-1/2-pound axes at
targets as if they were oversized darts. "We're really glad
Kick Axe is the first in New York and we're going to bring ax
throwing to another level," Daniel Velasco, an "axpert" at
Kick Axe, said. "It helps everyone get off all their
aggression of the week just by chucking axes at a board."
Velasco said the sport is not about strength, but about
control. "We've got kids as young as 7 coming in here to
throw." Ax-throwing packages are available for anyone over
the age of 7 and cost $28 per person for a 60 minute
experience or $35 for 75 minutes. Because that's what we
need; a bunch of New Yorkers trained in throwing axes.
*---------------- That's A Lot Of Pot ----------------*
A marijuana advocacy group in Boston rolled up a 106-foot-
long joint after learning there is no official record for
the world's longest marijuana cigarette. Beantown Greentown
unveiled the joint, which surpassed the group's own goal of
100 feet, at The Harvest Cup exhibition at the DCU Center
in Worcester, Mass. The group said the gargantuan marijuana
cigarette was created using the group's own pot and was
formed with the help of 40 volunteers. Andrew Mutty, co-owner
of Beantown Greentown, said the idea came from the lack of
an official record for the world's longest joint. "Just all
of us one day, sitting around, being inebriated and someone
said, 'what is the world record for the longest joint?' And
the situation evolved into a little bit of research and
looking online and there was a one pound joint we found, but
no one did it in a continuous length. So we thought, let's
set the bar kind of high and see if anyone else wants to try
and break a record." The group said they documented the
process in the hopes of getting Guinness World Records to
certify their accomplishment. Massachusetts voted to legalize
possession and consumption of cannabis last year.
*---------- Getting High on Christmas ----------*
An elderly couple allegedly caught with 60 pounds of marijuana
in Nebraska told police their stash was for Christmas gifts.
Patrick Jiron, 80, and Barbara Jiron, 83, were driving on
their way from their home in Clearlake Oaks, Calif. to Vermont
when deputies from the York County Sheriff's Department in the
Cornhusker State stopped them for failing to use their turn
signal. When deputies stepped up to the Jirons' Toyota Tacoma,
they said they smelled a strong odor of marijuana and found
boxes of pot in the pickup topper, according to the
Scottsbluff Star Herald. "They said the marijuana was for
Christmas presents," said Lt. Paul Vrbka. Vrbka said the
estimated street value of the marijuana was $336,000. That's
a lot of presents. The octogenarian couple were charged with
felony suspicion of possession of marijuana with intent to
deliver and no drug tax stamp.
*---- Air Inside Frat House Registered .01 ----*
Police in Maryland said a wild fraternity party included so
much alcohol consumption that the air inside the house
registered a positive on a Breathalyzer. Montgomery County
Police said they were called to a rental home in Bethesda by
neighbors who complained about an party at the residence,
where six 20-year-old members of fraternity Sigma Alpha
Epsilon's American University chapter reside. Police said
there was so much booze at the party, which was billed on
Facebook as "Tequila Tuesday Hoy a las 22:00," that the air
inside the house registered a .01 on a Breathalyzer. Police
said the six residents, who refused to tell officers where
they obtained the alcohol for the party, were each charged
with 126 counts of allowing underage possession of alcohol
and furnishing alcohol to a minor. They could each face up
to $315,000 in fines stemming from the charges.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
Please take time to read this and pay particular attention to
"A Little Gun History" about half way down – staggering numbers!
_
|_t+.__________________......_ /;_
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|_||_ |_|| \ """""";: .-. :\
| |:_ | |:_/ :: '-' ;\
_ _ _ _ _ _ ;; : ;
| ||_l | \|_ |_|| \ :: bug ;|
:_l|`, :_/:_ | |:_/ ;'-------';
'"------""
>Why Carry a Gun?
My old Grandpa said to me, 'Son, there comes a time in every man's
life when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps and
usually it's when he becomes too old to take a whoopin'.'
I don't carry a gun to kill people; I carry a gun to keep from
being killed.
I don't carry a gun because I'm evil; I carry a gun because I
have lived long enough to see the evil in the World.
I don't carry a gun because I hate the government; I carry a gun
because I understand the limitations of government.
I don't carry a gun because I'm angry; I carry a gun so that I
don't have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing
to be prepared.
I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone; I carry a gun
because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed and not on a
sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.
I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man; I carry a gun
because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they
love.
I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate; I carry a gun
because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.
I don't carry a gun because I love it; I carry a gun because I
love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.
Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old
to take a whoopin'!
`/\
____/ /
_ / ___ \
\\_!_________(_/_/ \ \
<#|=====|______ / /__/
/ C|=====|---' \__/
/ |-|-|~
/ /---'
/ /
|_____| jiri
A LITTLE GUN HISTORY: PLEASE DON'T THINK FOR A MOMENT, THAT THIS
COULDN'T HAPPEN IN OUR COUNTRY ALSO !!!!!!
In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control:
From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend
themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
-----------------------
In 1911, Turkey established gun control:
From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves,
were rounded up and exterminated.
-----------------------
Germany established gun control in 1938:
From 1939 to 1945, a total of 13 million Jews and others who were
unable to defend themselves were rounded up and exterminated.
-----------------------
China established gun control in 1935:
From 1948 to 1952, 20 million political dissidents, unable to defend
themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
-----------------------
Guatemala established gun control in 1964:
From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves,
were rounded up and exterminated.
-----------------------
Uganda established gun control in 1970:
From 1971 to 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves,
were rounded up and exterminated.
-----------------------
Cambodia established gun control in 1956:
From 1975 to 1977, one million educated people, unable to defend
themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
-----------------------
56 million defenseless people were rounded up and exterminated in the
20th Century because of Gun Control.
-----------------------
Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes,
gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens.
With guns, we are 'citizens'; without them, we are 'subjects'.
During WW II, the Japanese decided not to invade America because they
knew most Americans were ARMED!
Gun owners in the USA are the largest armed forces in the World!
If you value your freedom, please spread this anti-gun control message
to all of your friends.
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in
defense.
The sword is more important than the shield and skill is more
important than either.
Switzerland issues a gun to every household! Switzerland’s
government issues and trains every adult in the use of a rifle.
Switzerland also has the lowest gun-related crime rate of any
civilized country in the world!
IT'S A NO BRAINER! DON'T LET OUR GOVERNMENT WASTE MILLIONS OF OUR
TAX DOLLARS IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE ALL LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS AN EASY
TARGET.
I'm a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment! If you are too, please
forward this. If you're not a believer, please reconsider the facts.
This is history: it's not what's being shown on TV.
---
...I agree! Thanks Geniann!
Of course, I have to give you the OTHER Side of this:
WHAT'S TRUE
Mass killings of civilians by military dictatorships in the 1900s were
more often than not preceded by the confiscation of firearms from
targeted populations, a task made easier by laws requiring the
registration and/or licensing of privately-owned weapons.
WHAT'S FALSE
"Gun control" isn't synonymous with gun confiscation; in some cases
where genocides took place, the gun laws in force had existed for years,
even decades; evidence does not demonstrate a causal link between gun
control and mass exterminations.
https://www.snopes.com/politics/guns/gunhistory.asp
...Better SAFE than SORRY I always Say! :)
====================================================================
>-->From SermondFodder:
mom, you up there?
/
,==. |~~~
/ 66\ |
\c -_) |~~~
`) ( |
/ \ |~~~
/ \ \ |
(( /\ \_ |~~~
\\ \ `--`|
/ / / |~~~
jgs___ (_(___)_|
>MOM'S SURVIVAL TIPS
- Don't try to live with anyone who insists on alphabetizing your
spice rack.
- If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it
whole.
- After a certain age, if you say something outrageous, everyone will
think it's cute. Take advantage of this.
- Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic
and basement forever.
- If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on the evening news,
don't do it.
- Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the top bunk.
- If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought that you
probably made someone else's day . . . maybe even their week. Think
of your humiliation as an act of charity.
- Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're
taking a shower.
- It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's snowsuit will
cause her to wet her pants. There is no known cure for this.
- If you want to hide candy bars so you can eat them after the kids
are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled "Fish."
- And know when to leave the stage, Like right now
=================================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
____
___ _.--"""-, / )
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/ _ | /.-.--.-.-.)/ /
( )\_ .\|(_._.__._._) /
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(;(;;---'' (_(_(;; miraculis /jgs
Merry Christmas folks! Are you excited? Have you been good
all year? Hopefully Santa left something good in your sock
drawer.
But if he didn't, I have a little holiday present for you.
I dug up an interesting excerpt from Bill Bryson's book
"I'm a Stranger Here Myself," dealing with an old, old
Christmas tradition that I could really get behind.
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be in practice any more.
One of the many small mysteries I hoped to resolve when I
first moved to England was this: when British people sang
'A-wassailing We'll Go,' where was it they went and what
exactly did they do when they got there?
Throughout an American upbringing I heard this song every
Christmas without ever finding anyone who had the faintest
idea of how to go about the obscure and enigmatic business
of wassailing.
It wasn't until I happened upon a copy of T.G. Crippen's
scholarly and ageless 'Christmas and Christmas Lore,'
published in London in 1923, that I finally found that
wassail was originally a salutation.
>From the Old Norse ves heil, it means 'in good health.' In
Anglo-Saxon times it was customary for someone offering a
drink to say, "Wassail!" and for the recipient to respond,
"Drinkhail!" and the for participants to repeat the exercise
until comfortably horizontal.
So if anybody sees me out and about please don't hesitate
to buy me a drink and wish me 'Wassail!' I'll return the
favor.
Laugh it up,
Joe
-<>-
I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas
cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we
needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on,
Dear, let's get these out of the way."
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went
into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack
of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.
"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now
let's go out to dinner and relax."
-<>-
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them
missed their old home. That December, when they went to pick
up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them
about a conversation she overheard.
One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to Christmas
Mass."
"Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to have a
Hanukkah celebration.
"Madison chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going to have a
barbecue."
-<>-
_________________
| |
A ) |
M (_ |
C __) |
| (___ |
9 ____) |
9 (_____ |
| ______) |
| (_______ |
| ________) |
| (_________ |
| _____) |
| ( |
| .) |
| MERRY~CHRISTMAS |
|_________________|
At first sight we knew it was the perfect Christmas tree.
Tall and full, with no bare spots. Even our grown children
were impressed.
"Wow," said my son, "if you didn't know it was real, it could
easily pass as artificial."
-<>-
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to
break their vow of silence with two words. Ten years go by
and it's one monk's first chance to speak. He thinks for a
while before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
A decade later and it's the big day again. He gives the head
monk a long stare and finally says, "I quit."
"I'm not surprised," the head monk says. "You've been
complaining ever since you got here."
-<>-
Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our
family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas
tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the
perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but
Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was
"just up ahead."
One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't
exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you
can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald
spots and is straight."
-<>-
V,
.>>8Oo<<
.' '^ _ `.
/`-._,-'.`-'\
|`;: ':`:`:'|
.-\: .'`..`;.:/-.
.' `.:`,; ';.' `.
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hjw `-...________..-'
>Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in
every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-
aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make
a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying
a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size
of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have
as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention.
=========================================================
>-->From AndyChaps:
^ _ ^
| { \ 0 / }
---*--- { /|\ }
|\ { /|||\ }
| /---------------\ {/ ||| \}
| \ / \ |||||
| \ \ / _ \ ||||||| *^* o
| \ \ \ / O| _ \ / \ |0| (=)
| /| - / \ | ) |\ ## /|\ 0
| \ \ \ | (\ | |\/| | (|\ /|||\ ===
\ \ ___ || | | | | __|| \[=]/ /o\
\ /o=/| || | | | /\___ | | || ||| =O=
|---|/ / |\| | | \ |\| o/ \ ||| |||
|---|| |___\ | | || | | |__\ / \ |||
| |
>Reflections: "The Important Things in Life"
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they
were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a
lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to
become.
You never know who these people may be - a roommate, a neighbor, a
professor, a friend, a lover, or even a complete stranger - but when
you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect
your life in some profound way.
Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and
unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength,
willpower, or heart.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these
small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved
straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but
dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and
downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you
become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they
are sometimes the most important ones.
If someone loves you, give love back to them in whatever way you can,
not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are
teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being
cautious to whom you open your heart.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those
moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to
experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to
before, and listen to what they have to say.
Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold
your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a
great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.
You can make anything you wish of your life. Create your own life and
then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.
And if you love someone tell them, for you never know what tomorrow
may have in store.
-<>-
___ _____
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->Homer<-
>HOW TO BE HAPPY: 12 SIMPLE WAYS: **
--1. Make up your mind to be happy.
Learn to find pleasure in simple things.
--2. Make the best of your circumstances.
No one has everything, and everyone has something
of sorrow intermingled with gladness of life.
The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears.
--3. Don't take yourself too seriously.
Don't think that somehow you should be protected
from misfortune that befalls other people.
--4. You can't please everybody.
Don't let criticism worry you.
--5. Don't let your neighbor set your standards.
Be yourself.
--6. Do the things you enjoy doing but stay out of debt.
--7. Never borrow trouble.
Imaginary things are harder to bear than real ones.
--8. Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish jealousy,
enmity, grudges.
Avoid people who make you unhappy.
--9. Have many interests.
If you can't travel, read about new places.
-10. Don't hold postmortems.
Don't spend your time brooding over sorrows or mistakes.
Don't be one who never gets over things.
-11. Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself.
-12. Keep busy at something.
A busy person never has time to be unhappy.
And I could add Number 13:
To know lasting happiness, get to know Jesus Christ...
No Jesus, No Peace - Know Jesus, Know Peace!
-<>-
|^^^^^^^^|
| |
| |
| |
| _ _, .---------------.
| (.).) | |
| .-^--_ | EAT MY SHORTS ! |
\ ' _____) | |
| \ (__ /_-----------------'
/ -__/
/ \
/ / . |
/ / / |
/ \ / '
/ \ / /
/ . /
/ / X /
/ / / |--| |____
\/\_/ |--| ----.
/ |\ \----'
/ /| | \ \
`_/_|_. `-
unknown
>A DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
It's one day after Christmas...I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake, I think I'm gonna croak.
It's nice to see the relatives...I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom since early Christmas Eve.
They're eating everything in sight and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement with my beagle, Fred.
The relatives have all gone out and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up and I can't find the cat.
I love the decorations, and the sleigh bells in the snow,
But I wish those pesky relatives would take their kids and go.
Those cookie crunchers fed the dog a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air like skinny old fence posts.
Now they're in a free-for-all, the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all their toys.
My mother-in-law is snoring in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her and tinseling her hair.
I oughta wake her up before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly when they plug her in.
~~~Author unknown
-<>-
,___.
|-----|
============
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( ) 0 )
\_/-, ,-//-\\
====
|||
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-_/|
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>A QUESTION: "How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
** Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
burned-out bulb?
** Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.
** Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
** Rottweiler: Make me.
** Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
** Siberian Husky: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while
he's busy.
** Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off
the walls and furniture.
** Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
** Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in
the dark.
** Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
** Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the
dark.
** Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
** Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
** Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this headache...
** Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
** Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
** Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...
** Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a
light bulb?
** German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the
light? I SAID,"STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
** Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
** Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
-<>-
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V
>Teaching My Wife To Play Golf
This fellow's wife constantly berated him to teach her to play golf.
Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3,
179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now
watch me, and do the same thing." A nice shot, lands on the green
with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock,
clips a tree, sideswipes the second rock and rolls up onto the green
and sinks it.
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play,
let's go home."
-<>-
>AFTER CHRISTMAS LAMENT
And how could a Christmas Dash be complete without a word
from the Weight Watcher, 'me'??
.^.,*.
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------~~~~~~~~~----------~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
As the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself, in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--.
I said to myself, only as I can
'You can't spend a winter disquised as a man.!
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.'
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick..
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
-<>-
,-.
( o )_, ,-.
`-`./\( o )
/`.\/-'
,--. \=+' ,--.
/ /| O / /|
/ / | / / |
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| \ `-'/\_ \_O ,'/ | |
| \ '\-\`--'__ __,-' / | |
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`------------------------------------'
>Oxymorons
** Found Missing
** Genuine Imitation
** Airline Food
** Good Grief
** Almost Exactly
** Sanitary Landfill
** Alone Together
** Silent Scream
** British Fashion
** Small Crowd
** Soft Rock
** Butt Head
** New York Culture
** Sweet Sorrow
** Childproof
** Taped Live
** Temporary Tax Increase
** Plastic Glasses
** Terribly Pleased
** Pretty Ugly
** Twelve Ounce Pound cake
** Working Vacation
** Religious Tolerance
** Exact Estimate
** Microsoft Works
-<>-
_________________________
__ / ,------++---. .-------.`.
/ / // | || |.`.
__ / / // | || | `.`.
__ | '------++------' |`-------+--[)| `---..___
__ !] _ | | ______"""-.
_!]__________ |_| | | ,,----.\___|_
|___ /',--. \\ |_____________| // ,--.\\____|
\_-/'| |! \----------------------'| | |!|_/
\ `--' /!'----------------------' \ `--' /
`'---' `'---'
Jaap Peters
>BUMPER STICKERS
** 'Driver carries no cash; he is married with kids.'
** 'Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.'
** 'My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...
or something like that.'
** 'God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
** 'Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.'
** 'Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.'
-<>-
>Living In Minnesota
One day my brother-in-law, Don, got stuck in a snowdrift, and his
efforts to try to free his car proved fruitless. Finally his neighbor
came by. The neighbor grabbed a chain, hooked it to his truck, wrapped
it around Don's rear bumper, then started to back up the truck.
Suddenly the car's bumper ripped off and went flying.
The neighbor got our of his truck, assessed the situation and said,
"Well, Don, we'll have to pull out bigger pieces than that or we'll
be here all day."
-<>-
>A Bad Example
A father was scolding his young son for telling lies. "I NEVER told
lies when I was your age!" he exclaimed.
"So how old were you when you started?" asked the boy.
-<>-
,-`"-=')
=/////// ,==
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gpyy
>You're a Teacher If
* You want to slap the next person who says: "Must be nice to work
from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
* You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room
as 'the lounge'.
* You're sure the lounge should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
* You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
* When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
* When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children
and correct their behavior.
* You think people should be able to get a government permit before
being allowed to reproduce.
* You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have
a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!"
* Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is
this child like this?"
-<>-
>Great truths about Life that Adults have learned **
( A ReRun From Andy)
1. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
4. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
5. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right
now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
-<>-
| \ \ | |/ /
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>The Strange and Unusual
A renowned heart surgeon in LA died. The funeral was
lavish, with the coffin placed in front of a mammoth
heart replica. As the minister finished with the
eulogy, there was barely a dry eye in the room.
At the end of the service, the heart opened and the
coffin slowly rolled inside. At that moment one of the
mourners was having serious difficulty stifling the
giggles. The guy next to him, a good friend of the
deceased asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I don't mean any disrespect. I was just thinking about
my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist!"
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Baby, It's Cold Outside!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/coldpets.html
Cat Owner Tips!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catowners.html
This Is MY Spot!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/myspot.html
Quilts In The Snow!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snowquilts.html
Aww Animals 10!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals10.html
Where's Rudolph?
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/reindeer.html
Winter Wildlife 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/winter2.html
Come Adore Him!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/comeadorehim.html
Most Expensive Cars!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/expensivecars.html
Trucks!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trucks.html
Luxury Yacht!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/luxyacht.html
Stainless VS Gold!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stainlesscar.html
Advice For New Year!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newyear.html
Angels Are Watching!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angelswatching.html
Friends And Health!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/friendhealth.html
Let's Dance!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dance.html
TSA's Calendar Girls
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tsa.html
Playboy Calendar!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/calendar.html
Full Christmas/New Year Index!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmasindex.html
-<>-
>From Emergency Alerts: Health Alerts...
https://tinyurl.com/ybjp5byv
-<>-
>From Our Friend Linda :)
A Bridge For Santa
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOGLqvowCVk
"Oh Holy Night - Claire Ryann Crosby Live Christmas Concert"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s8TpwaEFGU
---
...So sweet! Thanks Linda!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Karen :)
Abbott & Costello 7 x 13 = 28
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzxVyO6cpos
Abbott & Costello Who's On First
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg
---
...HaHA! Love these Classics! Thanks Karen!
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
Vocal Quartet Il Divo sings Amazing Grace in this stunning music video.
Be sure to turn up your speakers to get the full effect of how wondrous
this performance is. I never get tired of hearing a great performance of
Amazing Grace.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYMLMj-SibU
The Piano Guys along with The Mormon Tabernacle Choir share with us a
wonderful music video of the song “Angels We Have Heard On High”. This
moving video of this Christmas Hymn came to life when over 1,000 people
came together to make it and break a Guinness World Record at the same
time. The music video had 1,039 participants which far surpassed the
previous record of a video with 898 people.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrLoWt2tfqg
A beautiful video to the music of 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas and a
Happy New Year' by Enya.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d25fTVA4NaE
This is done at Union Train Station, Washington DC. I think you'll find
yourself smiling.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/khQN5ylb3H0?rel=0
'Silent Night' by Kelly Clarkson with Reba McEntire and Trisha Yearwood.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BRVkgaIcaE
---
...Awww, Oh Yeah! Beautiful! Love em all! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"A new poll revealed that 44 percent of Americans think Santa
is a Democrat and 28 percent believe he is a Republican. And
the other 28 percent said to please stop bothering me with
stupid questions." -Jimmy Kimmel
"We're having our office Christmas party tonight. Just like
last year, I'm going to get drunk, make a fool of myself, and
then go to the office Christmas party." -Conan O'Brien
"We are just one week away from Christmas. Which means today
is that special day when husbands tell their wives, 'I give
up. Just tell me what you want.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"A new study found that parents who only have daughters are
more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my
Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football."
-Jimmy Fallon
"Hundreds of flights were cancelled today at the world's
busiest airport in Atlanta due to a massive power outage
yesterday. Experts are saying this could lead to as many as
30 texts from your mother." Seth Meyers
"Christmas is a strange holiday. It's Jesus' birthday. But
Nobody knows Jesus' exact birthday because he refuses to sign
up for Facebook." Jimmy Kimmel
"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do
at a red light?"
I said, "I don't know, look around, listen to the radio"
--Bill Braudis
"I filled out a rental application that asked, 'Do you own
any liquid-filled furniture?' Couldn't they just have said
'waterbed'? How many other forms of liquid-filled furniture
are there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a
problem?'" --Lisa Goich
"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you
should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with
three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely
nothing extraordinary about that person." --P. J. O'Rourke
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
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http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
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-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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