Where'd The Dollar Go? & More ... :) Shangy! >-->From the FunnyBone: A Guide To : '. _ .' Changing Lightbulbs -= (~) =- .' # '. Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not. Q: How many tele-evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Honestly, we're not sure. But for the message of change to continue to go out, please keep those letters and checks coming. Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a . ' . lightbulb? ' \~~~/ A: Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless \~~~/ \_/ the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one \_/ Y to offer a toast to the old lightbulb. Y _|_ _|_ Q: How many United Church of Christ members does it jgs take to change a lightbulb? A: Eleven. One to change the lightbulb. And ten more to organize a covered dish supper that will follow the changing of the bulb service. Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back to their next meeting. _____ .' `. Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a / \ lightbulb? | | A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to bind the '. +^^^+ .' spirit of darkness in the room. `. \./ .' |_|_| Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a (___) lightbulb? jgs (___) A: Are you kidding? They don't change burned out `---' lightbulbs. After all, it was predestined to burn out. How can you fight predestination? Q: How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What's a lightbulb? Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 300--12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the House Committee which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installa- tion. After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all. ====================================================================== +------------------- Bizarre Holidays --------------------+ April April 1 is One Cent Day April 2 is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day April 3 is Tweed Day and Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day April 5 is Go For Broke Day April 6 is Sorry Charlie Day April 7 is No Housework Day For the rest of the list, go to http://www.bizarrenews.com ==================================================================== >-->From our friend John-Paul :) What about some interesting Math?--- _______________________ |\_____________________/| || || || _ _ || || / ) / ) __ |_| || || / -|- / -- | || || `== `== ' || || _____ || ||______________#####__|| jgs |/_____________________\| aside from the shapes it forms --- take a close look at the `NUMBERS`, both Horizontally and Vertically, Note: they are Always Consecutive. (Very interesting )!! 1 x 8 + 1 = 9 12 x 8 + 2 = 98 123 x 8 + 3 = 987 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321 1 x 9 + 2 = 11 12 x 9 + 3 = 111 123 x 9 + 4 = 1111 1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111 12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111 123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111 1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111 12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111 123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111 9 x 9 + 7 = 88 98 x 9 + 6 = 888 987 x 9 + 5 = 8888 9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888 98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888 987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888 9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888 98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888 Amazing, huh? Finally, look at this symmetry: 1 x 1 = 1 11 x 11 = 121 111 x 111 = 12321 1111 x 1111 = 1234321 11111 x 11111 = 123454321 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321 1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321 11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321 111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321 Clever? -- Or too much spare time ------- ...Cool Actually! Boggles my little math brain though! ;) Reminded me of this one... What do you think? Brain Teaser - ) ) __ ( __ (~( __ (~( \O\ )~) )O) )_) (O( (_( )_) ) Where did the dollar go? 3 guys go to rent a hotel room, the room is $30, so they each pay $10. Later that night the hotel guy finds out the room is only $25 so he gives $5 to the bell boy to split between the 3 guys. The bellboy did not know how to split $5 in 3 ways so he kept $2 for himself and gave $1 to each guy so the guys only paid $9 a piece right? So if the guys paid $27 and the bellboy kept $2, where is the other dollar? ...The Answer later... 1st More from John-Paul... -<>- >Let`s have a little shot at some (Scrabble). TRP| | |DBL| | | |TRP| | | |DBL| | |TRP| WRD|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|WRD| |DBL| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |DBL| | ____|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___| | |DBL| | | |DBL| |DBL| | | |DBL| | | ____|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___| DBL| | |DBL| | | |DBL| | | |DBL| | |DBL| LTR|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|LTR| | | | |DBL| | | | | |DBL| | | | | ____|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|___| |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | ____|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___| | |DBL| | | |DBL| |DBL| | | |DBL| | | ____|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___| TRP| | |DBL| | | |***| | | |DBL| | |TRP| WRD|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|***|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|WRD| | |DBL| | | |DBL| |DBL| | | |DBL| | | ____|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___| |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | ____|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___| | | | |DBL| | | | | |DBL| | | | | ____|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|___| DBL| | |DBL| | | |DBL| | | |DBL| | |DBL| LTR|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|LTR| | |DBL| | | |DBL| |DBL| | | |DBL| | | ____|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___| |DBL| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |DBL| | ____|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___| TRP| | |DBL| | | |TRP| | | |DBL| | |TRP| WRD|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRS|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|WRD| Sue Teves `A DECIMAL POINT: But when you rearrange the letters you have: `IM A DOT IN PLACE ` `THE MORSE CODE` : When you rearrange the letters: `HERE COME DOTS` `DORMITORY`: When you rearrange the letters: `DIRTY ROOM` `ASTRONOMER`: When you rearrange the letters: `MOON STARER` `DESPERATION`: When you rearrange the letters: `A ROPE ENDS IT` `THE EYES`: When you rearrange the letters: `THEY SEE ` ` GEORGE BUSH`: When you rearrange the letters: `HE BUGS GORE` `SLOT MACHINES`: When you rearrange the letters: `CASH LOST IN ME` `ANIMOSITY`: When you rearrange the letters: `IS NO AMITY` `PRESBYTERIAN`: When you rearrange the letters: `BEST IN PRAYER` `ELECTION RESULTS`: When you rearrange the letters: `LIES - LET'S RECOUNT` `SNOOZE ALARMS`: When you rearrange the letters: `ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S` `THE EARTHQUAKES`: When you rearrange the letters: `THAT QUEER SHAKE` `ELEVEN PLUS TWO`: When you rearrange the letters: `TWELVE PLUS ONE` AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE`: `MOTHER-IN-LAW`: When you rearrange the letters: `WOMAN HITLER` (he-he) Always ~~~~~John-Paul (Yep! Someone with just too much time on the hands)! ---- ...Thanks Jophn-Paul! I loved em all! ....and Now The Answer from http://chemistrygeek.com/g1.htm ) ) __ ( __ (~( __ (~( \O\ )~) )O) )_) (O( (_( )_) ) The math is incorrect. If they had been charged $27.00 for the room originally, they would have each given the man $10.00, and each received $1 change, making the math problem 9+9+9=27, and 27+3=30, the $3 being the key. Instead, the way the problem reads, it is turned into 27+2=29, which is where the confusion lies. The problem should be $25 (room rate) + $2 (what the bellboy kept) = $27, and $27 + $3 (the change the three guys received) = $30. ...Simple huh? I'm still left in a fog! *LOL* But I think I GOT IT! ======================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Kathy :) Kathy has been kind enough to share a recipe with us! You can find it here... .-~~~~-. / ( ( ' \ | ( ) ) | \ ) ' } / / (` \ , / ~) `-.`\/_.-' jgs `"" Cabbage Beef Casserole http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes ...Thank You Kathy! Sounds yummy! ======================================================================== >-->In The WorldlyNews: >A Heartwarming Story from AFA: A Heartwarming Story About One Person Who Is Making A Difference Watch the video welcoming our soldiers home, then send a thank-you note Better get a tissue. You might shed a tear. Click here to watch the video and sign the petition. https://secure.afa.net/afa/activism/welcome_hero.asp Watch and Sign Sincerely, Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman American Family Association P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends! ---- ...That was sooooo sweet! -<>- >From BizarreNews: \\ (o> //\ _V_/__ || || -ns -- Is that Nine Parrots in Your Coat or... ---------- BLAGOVESHCHENSK, Russia - Russian authorities arrested a woman at an airport after nine rare parrots were found hidden under her coat. Denisa Mrazova was stopped by a customs officer who noticed her coat moving at an airport in Blagoveshchensk, Ananova reported Thursday. She had arrived in Blagoveshchensk on a flight from China. Officers said the beaks of the birds had been taped shut to prevent them from making sounds but they could be seen squirming under Mrazova's heavy coat. She was ordered to remove the coat and the nine birds were found strapped to her body. Ananova reported the birds were placed in quarantine. -- 29 percent celebrate April Fool's at work -------- CHICAGO - Chicago-based CareerBuilder.com released a survey saying 29 percent of respondents have been on the giving or receiving end of an April Fool's prank at work. The survey of 6,823 workers over the age of 18 was taken Feb. 15- March 6. The survey had a margin of error of 1.5 percentage points. CareerBuilder.com chose as the most memorable prank of this year's survey a joke carried out by a worker who sent a letter signed by the president of the company to all employees informing them that bathroom breaks must be taken in alphabetical order. Also in the Web site's top 10 were employees reducing the size of a boss's lab coat for several weeks, putting dry ice in a urinal, exchanging a boss's reading glasses for clear glass, sending a co-worker a message informing them to contact "George" with the number to the White House, taping up the doorway to the bathroom with a co-worker inside, installing a "random burping" program on a boss's computer that belched at random intervals for several days, filling jelly donuts with ketchup, having someone with a "questionable" profession call the office for directions and a chief executive placing a "For Sale" sign on the company building. -<>- >From The CoffeeBreak: Orwell's home in real-life '1984' Britain has a reported 4.2 million security cameras in use, at least four of them trained on the former London home . of "1984" author George Orwell. Much as Orwell's classic novel described Big Brother watching everyone's lives, recent studies found that every British citizen is caught by a camera's lens 300 times a day, The Mail on Sunday reported. There is one closed-circuit TV camera for every 14 people in Britain, the newspaper said. While most of the closed-circuit cameras are intended for security -- rather than omniscient surveillance -- a Royal Academy of Engineering report warned that a dangerous precedent is being set. The report said that with every security system being susceptible to abuse, the possibility of "Big Brother tactics" was not too far-fetched, the paper reported. 'Iron Guardsmen' take the long way home A group of soldiers dubbed the "Iron Guardsmen" returned home to London after traveling 1,300 miles in an exhausting triathlon. The Telegraph said the troops, who had been stationed in Bosnia, decided to make the arduous journey home by running, cycling and kayaking in honor of the 25th anniversary of Britain's Falklands conflict. The group's epic journey, which began March 1, also was designed to raise funds for a male cancer charity, the Army Benevolent Fund, and The South Atlantic Medal Association 82. Team spokesman Capt. James Westropp said that while the soldiers struggled with the last journey on foot from Dover to London, they managed to persevere and return Saturday. "It was wet, cold and miserable, and, for all concerned, a bit of a low point," he told The Telegraph. "The Iron Guardsmen really dug in and I was proud to be part of such a resilient team. The human body is not designed to take this sort of pressure, but there was no complaining. Just a few silent tears." ,-. _,-' - `--._ ,'.: __' _..-) ,' /,o)' ,' ;. ,'`-' _,) ,' :. _.-',' ,' . . ( / ; .:' .. `-/ ,' ; ,' _,/ . , .,' , ,',' . . . .\,'..__ ,',' .:. ' ,\ `\)`` `-\_..---``````-'-.`.:`._/ ,' '` .` ,`- -. ) `--..`-.. `-...__________..-'-.._ \ ``--------..`-._ ``` `` SSt Monster cane toad caught in Australia A cane toad the size of a small dog has been nabbed in Australia in the middle of a "breeding frenzy." The environmental group Frogwatch caught the monster toad during a seasonal hunt for the warty pests in the northwest city of Darwin. The toad measured more than 8 inches in length and weighed nearly 2 pounds. Cane toads originally were released in the sugarcane fields of Queensland to combat pests but have spread across Australia, poisoning millions of native animals. Frogwatch spokesman Graeme Sawyer told the Australian Broadcasting Corp., "the biggest toads are usually females but this one was a rampant male. He is huge. I'd hate to meet his big sister." ============================================================= >-->From Our Friend Steve :) >A Taste of Heaven I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, nor the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well. I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. "And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue." "Hush, child," said He, "they're all in shock. "No one thought they'd be seeing you." Judge NOT. -------- ...TeeHee -<>- >An Et-AHEM! - KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA 1) An octopus has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) ___---__---___ -- -- ~ ~ ~~ ~~ (__ ,--, __) ====- |# | -==== ~~---_____---~~~~--(~~ `--' )~~-----____ \~~--___ ___--~~/ dcau ~~--___---__---___--~~ -------- 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breaths through an a#$hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6) 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) 13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat a@#. (Jule age 7) ---- ...Now wasn't that educational? *giggles* -<>- >The Music Teacher _____ | | \ | | \ | | \___ | | \ | | \ ~~0 __|_|___________| 0 / /\/ /____|____________) /_oo-#= __ . / \_|__________________| | \/ /_/ |/__ | )( )( |\ | | |\\ :| )( ejm 97 )( / \ |, ~ ~ /|\ At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story . My name is Mildred Honor. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa . I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons-something I've done for over 30 years. Over the years I found that children have many levels of musical ability. I've never had the pleasure of having a prodigy though I have taught some talented students. However I've also had my share of what I call "musically challenged" pupils. One such student was Robby. Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys!) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby. But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano. So I took him as a student. Well, Robby began with his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel. But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I require all my students to learn. Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he'd always say, "My mom's going to hear me play someday." But it seemed hopeless. He just did not have any inborn ability. I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in. Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons. I thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching! Several weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not qualify. He said that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to piano lessons but he was still practicing "Miss Honor I've just got to play!" he insisted. I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe it was his persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying that it would be all right. The night for the recital came. The high school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he would do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my "curtain closer." Well, the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it. "Why didn't he dress up like the other students?" I thought. "Why didn't his mother at least make him comb his! hair for this special night?" Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto #21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo. From allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by people his age. After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild applause. Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy. "I've never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it? " Through the microphone Robby explained: "Well Miss Honor . Remember I told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed away this morning And well . . . She was born deaf so tonight was the first time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special." There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster care, noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil. No, I've never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy. . . Of Robby's. He was the teacher and I was the pupil for it is he that taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in yourself and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don't know why. Robby was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murray Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995. And now, a footnote to the story. If you are thinking about forwarding this message, you are probably thinking about which people on your address list aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. The person who sent this to you believes that we can all make a difference. So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we act with compassion or do we pass up that opportunity and leave the world a bit colder in the process? You have two choices now: 1. Delete this. 2. Forward it to the people you care about. You know the choice I made. Thank you for reading this May God bless you today,tomorrow and always ********* If God didn't have a purposes for us. We wouldn't be here! --- ...Such a good story! Thanks Steve! ===================================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: Q. Where did the phrase "jump on the bandwagon" come from? A. In southern American states, in order to advertise an event or political meeting, bands used to play on a wagon which was driven through the streets. During elections, people would sometimes jump on this wagon to show their support. -<>- For those, like me, who never saw any of the | |/ | ,,,,, ,+ /| / \ () | || \ C '\ /|_() || ) _| .'___/,,,// || .'=. (____E.' / / \ || | \)`-\ _F_.' \ c `\ || \ \ !'__/ ) _| || \ \,' / /`._( || |`. .' / \ \ || \ `-' | .-. | | \ E || >====[] | \ |__| | O OE || / |_/ | |___)| `.__j____ \|E || \_ | || __`.________ `. |""|\| \ |\ ||| \///_ _|__|_| \ __ | \ ||`""\\""""//"' \`. \ | |[__]| \ ||.---\\__//---. | | \____| ||__|/ / \|____________|\ |/ | | | / || || /| | | -----| |/------------||-||-/`| |----------| /| | || ||/`-|___| | /\| | || \\._ [____] h| /`.|____| || \\ `-/ '`._ j| `=.\____/ || \\__`-.____) w| ) '`--. _.-||-._ `""""""" | `='====' ,-' ' ` `-. | `-.________.-' | Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's, '40's and '50's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are some of the actual signs: DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW OUT SO FAR IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR. BURMA SHAVE TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE Burma Shave DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND A LITTLE MORE STEER Burma Shave SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave ===================================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: >A Daily Ministries Put the Devil Out (,,,) W d'o'b | <(_)--c _( )_ | PhS YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT BUT YOU LET HIM LEAVE HIS BAGS!!! You got out of a bad relationship because it was bad, but you are still resentful, and angry. (you let the devil leave his bags) You got out of financial debt, but you still can't control the desire to spend on frivolous things. (you let the devil leave his bags) You got out of a bad habit or addiction, but you still long to try |_| , ('.') /// <(_)`-/' <-._/J L / -bf- it just one more time. (you let the devil leave his bags) You said, I forgive you, but you can't seem to forget and have peace with that person. (you let the devil leave his bags) You told your mate that it was over, but you still continue to call. (you let the devil leave his bags) You got out of that horribly oppressive job, but you're still trying to sabotage the company after you've left. (you let the devil leave his bags) You cut off the affair with that married man/woman, but you still lust after him/her. (you let the devil leave his bags) You broke off your relationship with that hurtful, abusive person, |_| , ('.') /// <(_)`-/' <-._/J L / -bf- but you are suspicious and distrusting of every new person you meet. (you let the devil leave his bags) You decided to let go of the past hurts from growing up in an unstable family environment, yet you believe you are unworthy of love from others and you refuse to get attached to anyone. (you let the devil leave his bags) |_| , ('.') /// <(_)`-/' <-._/J L / -bf- WHEN YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT; MAKE SURE HE TAKES HIS BAGS, TOO!! HOPE: Keep hope close to your heart, as a cupped hand protects a flame... With thanks to Juda Tarume By way of "Keith Overturf" The Christian Challenge and Blessing Email Service. -<>- The Pregnant Blonde A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work, just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", he said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and bought the twin pack, home pregnancy test kit and BOTH Tests came out positive!!!" -<>- Signs You May Be a Bad Driver 13> After heading off for the corner deli, you end up in downtown Basra. 12> You've racked up so many points on your driver's license that you can redeem them for a reduced sentence on your next moving violation conviction. 11> Every year, Italy issues you a driver's license. 10> Awarding you the best actress Oscar was just a sneaky way to encourage you to ride in limousines. 9> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers. 8> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan." 7> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot. 6> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille. 5> Whenever you go out, your friends make you the "designated drunk." 4> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court. 3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you. 2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time. The Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver... 1> Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway. From top5.com. Warning: Top 5 lists are often not suitable for children. Parental discretion is advised. -<>- Sometimes Things Go Wrong . . . + (|) _____.___.|_|. | / \ |===| | / \ | o | |__/__v__\|, ,| | | | | | || || |/| . . . |','| ||| A A A | , | ||| M M M | | wtx --------------------- Here are some "Murphy's Laws for Churches." Video projectors always work before the program begins. The probability of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is greater on "Bring A Friend" Sunday than any other week. The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his/her worst. No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more. A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late. The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting. When you answer the Bible teacher's question right, nobody remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets. The furnace only fails when the outside temperature is more than 20 degrees below zero. Source: Thought For The Day, http://tftd.faithsite.com/ ------------------------ A teenage girl got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart." Think about it! Kevin Rayner Oak Tree Church Rochester, MN -<>- Cleanlaugh_Dog Exercises _ _V.-o / |`-' (7_\\ jg You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now. The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime. Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged. Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on. Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway! Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees. Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing. Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog. Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous. Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first). Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches. Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today? Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable. Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least expect it. ====================================================================== >-->Some Pet Wisdom... >GRIEVOUS INJUSTICES by Kathy Whirity They don't call it the graveyard shift for nothing. For some workers at the City Pound, working the night shift means being surrounded by death. I read with interest a story about the amount of strays that walk through the doors of the Pound. The story focused on the unfortunate ones who never leave. So many dogs are put to sleep. There are different reasons, of course, like the countless canines that have been so horribly mistreated they'd never successfully fit into a family setting -- put to death because of abusive owners with demented intentions. Others are sickly or just too old to deal with the stress of starting over with new families. The plight of these pathetic pooches caught my attention. The officer at the front desk of the Pound and I became acquainted on a first name basis because everyday, my husband Bill and I, would take our hour long ride down to see if our Hannah happened to be there. We learned the hard way that this could be a lost dog's destination after our older dog Holly was picked up and taken there awhile back. At the time, we scoured every last cage at our local Animal Welfare League. We were assured that if she got picked up that's definitely where she'd be. Lucky for us, on the fifth day of her disappearance, my harried husband had a hunch. He decided to run down to the Pound on the off chance that maybe, just maybe, she was there. To our surprise and utter relief there she was. We found out that she had been at the Pound since the afternoon she wandered out of our backyard. Hurricane Hannah, as we like to call her, is a runner that takes off in a hurry. Leave a door ajar or a gate slightly open and she's off in a flash. On a bright and sunny Saturday morning, a few weeks ago, we noticed the back gate open and no Hannah in sight. It was the last we saw her for a week. We'd go to the Pound and carefully inspect each and every cage. We knew the routine well. First we'd go through the doors of Pavillion A then B, and by the time we reached Pavillion C, I'd be saying a prayer that we'd find our Hannah. Thankfully, we found her! Not at the Pound, but in the safety of a loving family who took good care of her for the week she was away from home. For us, it was a happy ending. However, that's not the case for the rows and rows of cages that confine man's best friend at the Pound. My heart went out to the well cared for pups that you could tell belonged to loving homes. Those were the ones who would just glance up at you as if to say, "I know you're not my owner but would you please tell them I'm here?" Then there were the scruffy ones that even a mother would have a hard time loving. They'd almost stand at attention, trying to give their best pose, paws poking through the bars of the cage, just hoping for a pat on the head or a soothing praise of "good dog". From the looks of the packed Pound it was obvious that many of their owners must wrongly assume that their faithful Fido couldn't possibly be there. Night after night, there are innocent animals being put down because the Pound cannot keep up with the plethora of pets that come through the doors. What a hopeless shame for loving owners to lose a pet because they didn't think to look at the Pound. What a grievous injustice to our 4-legged companions whom, for one reason or another, find themselves separated from their human family. So many dogs, so many needless deaths. For some employees, this is life on the graveyard shift at the City Pound. -- Kathy Whirity ======================================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Did you watch 'American Idol' last night? Sanjaya is still on! How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He's like the George Bush of 'American Idol'." - Jay Leno "I love spring in New York. Isn't it great? I mean, today, it's sunny and 61. Just like Katie Couric." - David Letterman "The Postal Service is getting ready to introduce a new set of Star Wars-themed stamps. The plan is in May they're going to issue a really cool set of Star Wars stamps, then in 15 years, they'll release a second set of Star Wars stamps that suck." - Jimmy Kimmel Science has never drummed up quite as effective a tranquilizing agent as a sunny spring day. -- W. Earl Hall "What a story! A woman is having a snack, choking to death, and she receives the Heimlich treatment from her dog. This is a very talented dog — he also did Regis' bypass surgery." - David Letterman "I'll tell you why I don't like American Idol. It's like being in a karaoke bar sober." - Craig Ferguson "Heather Mills is on our show tonight. I'm gonna need everyone's help pretending we haven't made any jokes about her." - Jimmy Kimmel An optimist is the human personification of spring. -- Susan J. 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