Where'd The Dollar Go? & More ... :) Shangy!
>-->From the FunnyBone:
A Guide To :
'. _ .'
Changing Lightbulbs -= (~) =-
.' # '.
Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether
changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not.
Q: How many tele-evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Honestly, we're not sure. But for the message of change to
continue to go out, please keep those letters and checks coming.
Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a . ' .
lightbulb? ' \~~~/
A: Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless \~~~/ \_/
the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one \_/ Y
to offer a toast to the old lightbulb. Y _|_
_|_
Q: How many United Church of Christ members does it jgs
take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eleven. One to change the lightbulb. And ten more to organize a
covered dish supper that will follow the changing of the bulb
service.
Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There is some question here. But we have it on good authority
that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report
back to their next meeting.
_____
.' `. Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a
/ \ lightbulb?
| | A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to bind the
'. +^^^+ .' spirit of darkness in the room.
`. \./ .'
|_|_| Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a
(___) lightbulb?
jgs (___) A: Are you kidding? They don't change burned out
`---' lightbulbs. After all, it was predestined to burn
out. How can you fight predestination?
Q: How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What's a lightbulb?
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 300--12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and
Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel
Committee which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the
House Committee which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee.
4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee which chooses who
will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion
of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installa-
tion. After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain
about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the
ecological impact of using the light bulb at all.
======================================================================
+------------------- Bizarre Holidays --------------------+
April
April 1 is One Cent Day
April 2 is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
April 3 is Tweed Day and Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun
Day
April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day
April 5 is Go For Broke Day
April 6 is Sorry Charlie Day
April 7 is No Housework Day
For the rest of the list, go to http://www.bizarrenews.com
====================================================================
>-->From our friend John-Paul :)
What about some interesting Math?---
_______________________
|\_____________________/|
|| ||
|| _ _ ||
|| / ) / ) __ |_| ||
|| / -|- / -- | ||
|| `== `== ' ||
|| _____ ||
||______________#####__||
jgs |/_____________________\|
aside from the shapes it forms ---
take a close look at the `NUMBERS`,
both Horizontally and Vertically,
Note: they are Always Consecutive. (Very interesting )!!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Amazing, huh?
Finally, look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
Clever? -- Or too much spare time
-------
...Cool Actually! Boggles my little math brain though! ;)
Reminded me of this one... What do you think?
Brain Teaser -
)
) __ (
__ (~( __
(~( \O\ )~)
)O) )_) (O(
(_( )_) )
Where did the dollar go?
3 guys go to rent a hotel room, the room is $30, so they each pay
$10. Later that night the hotel guy finds out the room is only $25 so he
gives $5 to the bell boy to split between the 3 guys. The bellboy did
not know how to split $5 in 3 ways so he kept $2 for himself and gave $1
to each guy so the guys only paid $9 a piece right? So if the guys paid
$27 and the bellboy kept $2, where is the other dollar?
...The Answer later... 1st More from John-Paul...
-<>-
>Let`s have a little shot at some (Scrabble).
TRP| | |DBL| | | |TRP| | | |DBL| | |TRP|
WRD|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|WRD|
|DBL| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |DBL| |
____|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|
| |DBL| | | |DBL| |DBL| | | |DBL| | |
____|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|
DBL| | |DBL| | | |DBL| | | |DBL| | |DBL|
LTR|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|LTR|
| | | |DBL| | | | | |DBL| | | | |
____|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|___|
|TRP| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| |
____|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|
| |DBL| | | |DBL| |DBL| | | |DBL| | |
____|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|
TRP| | |DBL| | | |***| | | |DBL| | |TRP|
WRD|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|***|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|WRD|
| |DBL| | | |DBL| |DBL| | | |DBL| | |
____|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|
|TRP| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| |
____|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|
| | | |DBL| | | | | |DBL| | | | |
____|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|___|
DBL| | |DBL| | | |DBL| | | |DBL| | |DBL|
LTR|___|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|LTR|
| |DBL| | | |DBL| |DBL| | | |DBL| | |
____|___|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|___|
|DBL| | | |TRP| | | |TRP| | | |DBL| |
____|WRD|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRD|___|
TRP| | |DBL| | | |TRP| | | |DBL| | |TRP|
WRD|___|___|LTR|___|___|___|WRS|___|___|___|LTR|___|___|WRD|
Sue Teves
`A DECIMAL POINT:
But when you rearrange the letters you have:
`IM A DOT IN PLACE `
`THE MORSE CODE` :
When you rearrange the letters:
`HERE COME DOTS`
`DORMITORY`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`DIRTY ROOM`
`ASTRONOMER`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`MOON STARER`
`DESPERATION`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`A ROPE ENDS IT`
`THE EYES`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`THEY SEE `
` GEORGE BUSH`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`HE BUGS GORE`
`SLOT MACHINES`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`CASH LOST IN ME`
`ANIMOSITY`:
When you rearrange the letters: `IS NO AMITY`
`PRESBYTERIAN`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`BEST IN PRAYER`
`ELECTION RESULTS`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`LIES - LET'S RECOUNT`
`SNOOZE ALARMS`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S`
`THE EARTHQUAKES`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`THAT QUEER SHAKE`
`ELEVEN PLUS TWO`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`TWELVE PLUS ONE`
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE`:
`MOTHER-IN-LAW`:
When you rearrange the letters:
`WOMAN HITLER`
(he-he)
Always ~~~~~John-Paul (Yep! Someone with just too much time on the
hands)!
----
...Thanks Jophn-Paul! I loved em all!
....and Now
The Answer from http://chemistrygeek.com/g1.htm
)
) __ (
__ (~( __
(~( \O\ )~)
)O) )_) (O(
(_( )_) )
The math is incorrect. If they had been charged $27.00 for the room
originally, they would have each given the man $10.00, and each received
$1 change, making the math problem 9+9+9=27, and 27+3=30, the $3 being
the key. Instead, the way the problem reads, it is turned into 27+2=29,
which is where the confusion lies. The problem should be $25 (room rate)
+ $2 (what the bellboy kept) = $27, and $27 + $3 (the change the three
guys received) = $30.
...Simple huh? I'm still left in a fog! *LOL* But I think I GOT IT!
========================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Kathy :)
Kathy has been kind enough to share a recipe with us!
You can find it here...
.-~~~~-.
/ ( ( ' \
| ( ) ) |
\ ) ' } / /
(` \ , / ~)
`-.`\/_.-'
jgs `""
Cabbage Beef Casserole
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
...Thank You Kathy! Sounds yummy!
========================================================================
>-->In The WorldlyNews:
>A Heartwarming Story from AFA:
A Heartwarming Story About One Person Who Is Making A Difference
Watch the video welcoming our soldiers home, then send a thank-you note
Better get a tissue. You might shed a tear.
Click here to watch the video and sign the petition.
https://secure.afa.net/afa/activism/welcome_hero.asp
Watch and Sign
Sincerely,
Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman
American Family Association
P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends!
----
...That was sooooo sweet!
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
\\
(o>
//\
_V_/__
||
|| -ns
-- Is that Nine Parrots in Your Coat or... ----------
BLAGOVESHCHENSK, Russia - Russian authorities arrested a
woman at an airport after nine rare parrots were found
hidden under her coat. Denisa Mrazova was stopped by a
customs officer who noticed her coat moving at an airport
in Blagoveshchensk, Ananova reported Thursday. She had
arrived in Blagoveshchensk on a flight from China. Officers
said the beaks of the birds had been taped shut to prevent
them from making sounds but they could be seen squirming
under Mrazova's heavy coat. She was ordered to remove the
coat and the nine birds were found strapped to her body.
Ananova reported the birds were placed in quarantine.
-- 29 percent celebrate April Fool's at work --------
CHICAGO - Chicago-based CareerBuilder.com released a survey
saying 29 percent of respondents have been on the giving or
receiving end of an April Fool's prank at work. The survey
of 6,823 workers over the age of 18 was taken Feb. 15-
March 6. The survey had a margin of error of 1.5 percentage
points. CareerBuilder.com chose as the most memorable prank
of this year's survey a joke carried out by a worker who
sent a letter signed by the president of the company to all
employees informing them that bathroom breaks must be taken
in alphabetical order. Also in the Web site's top 10 were
employees reducing the size of a boss's lab coat for
several weeks, putting dry ice in a urinal, exchanging a
boss's reading glasses for clear glass, sending a co-worker
a message informing them to contact "George" with the number
to the White House, taping up the doorway to the bathroom
with a co-worker inside, installing a "random burping"
program on a boss's computer that belched at random
intervals for several days, filling jelly donuts with
ketchup, having someone with a "questionable" profession
call the office for directions and a chief executive
placing a "For Sale" sign on the company building.
-<>-
>From The CoffeeBreak:
Orwell's home in real-life '1984'
Britain has a reported 4.2 million security cameras in use,
at least four of them trained on the former London home .
of "1984" author George Orwell. Much as Orwell's classic
novel described Big Brother watching everyone's lives,
recent studies found that every British citizen is caught
by a camera's lens 300 times a day, The Mail on Sunday
reported. There is one closed-circuit TV camera for every
14 people in Britain, the newspaper said. While most of
the closed-circuit cameras are intended for security --
rather than omniscient surveillance -- a Royal Academy of
Engineering report warned that a dangerous precedent is
being set. The report said that with every security
system being susceptible to abuse, the possibility of
"Big Brother tactics" was not too far-fetched, the paper
reported.
'Iron Guardsmen' take the long way home
A group of soldiers dubbed the "Iron Guardsmen" returned
home to London after traveling 1,300 miles in an exhausting
triathlon. The Telegraph said the troops, who had been
stationed in Bosnia, decided to make the arduous journey
home by running, cycling and kayaking in honor of the
25th anniversary of Britain's Falklands conflict. The
group's epic journey, which began March 1, also was
designed to raise funds for a male cancer charity, the
Army Benevolent Fund, and The South Atlantic Medal
Association 82. Team spokesman Capt. James Westropp said
that while the soldiers struggled with the last journey
on foot from Dover to London, they managed to persevere
and return Saturday. "It was wet, cold and miserable,
and, for all concerned, a bit of a low point," he told
The Telegraph. "The Iron Guardsmen really dug in and I
was proud to be part of such a resilient team. The human
body is not designed to take this sort of pressure, but
there was no complaining. Just a few silent tears."
,-.
_,-' - `--._
,'.: __' _..-)
,' /,o)' ,'
;. ,'`-' _,)
,' :. _.-','
,' . . ( /
; .:' .. `-/
,' ; ,'
_,/ . , .,' ,
,',' . . . .\,'..__
,',' .:. ' ,\ `\)``
`-\_..---``````-'-.`.:`._/
,' '` .` ,`- -. ) `--..`-..
`-...__________..-'-.._ \
``--------..`-._ ```
`` SSt
Monster cane toad caught in Australia
A cane toad the size of a small dog has been nabbed in
Australia in the middle of a "breeding frenzy." The
environmental group Frogwatch caught the monster toad
during a seasonal hunt for the warty pests in the northwest
city of Darwin. The toad measured more than 8 inches in
length and weighed nearly 2 pounds. Cane toads originally
were released in the sugarcane fields of Queensland to
combat pests but have spread across Australia, poisoning
millions of native animals. Frogwatch spokesman Graeme
Sawyer told the Australian Broadcasting Corp., "the
biggest toads are usually females but this one was a
rampant male. He is huge. I'd hate to meet his big sister."
=============================================================
>-->From Our Friend Steve :)
>A Taste of Heaven
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all, nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money
twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting
pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.
"And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said He, "they're all in shock.
"No one thought they'd be seeing you."
Judge NOT.
--------
...TeeHee
-<>-
>An Et-AHEM! - KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA
1) An octopus has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
___---__---___
-- --
~ ~
~~ ~~
(__ ,--, __)
====- |# | -====
~~---_____---~~~~--(~~ `--' )~~-----____
\~~--___ ___--~~/ dcau
~~--___---__---___--~~
--------
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are incontinent. Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an a#$hole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age
8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her fat a@#. (Jule age 7)
----
...Now wasn't that educational? *giggles*
-<>-
>The Music Teacher
_____
| | \
| | \
| | \___
| | \
| | \
~~0 __|_|___________|
0 / /\/ /____|____________)
/_oo-#= __ . / \_|__________________|
| \/ /_/ |/__ | )( )(
|\ | | |\\ :| )( ejm 97 )(
/ \ |,
~ ~ /|\
At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story . My name is
Mildred Honor. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des
Moines, Iowa . I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano
lessons-something I've done for over 30 years. Over the years I found
that children have many levels of musical ability. I've never had the
pleasure of having a prodigy though I have taught some talented
students.
However I've also had my share of what I call "musically
challenged" pupils. One such student was Robby. Robby was 11 years old
when his mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano
lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys!) begin at an earlier
age, which I explained to Robby. But Robby said that it had always been
his mother's dream to hear him play the piano. So I took him as a
student. Well, Robby began with his piano lessons and from the beginning
I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked
the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel. But he dutifully
reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I require all my
students to learn.
Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and
tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he'd always
say, "My mom's going to hear me play someday." But it seemed hopeless.
He just did not have any inborn ability. I only knew his mother from a
distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him
up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in.
Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons.
I thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of
ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad
that he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching!
Several weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the
upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked me
if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for
current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not qualify.
He said that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to piano
lessons but he was still practicing "Miss Honor I've just got to play!"
he insisted.
I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe
it was his persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying
that it would be all right. The night for the recital came. The high
school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put
Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the
students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he would
do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his
poor performance through my "curtain closer."
Well, the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been
practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on stage. His clothes were
wrinkled and his hair looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it. "Why
didn't he dress up like the other students?" I thought. "Why didn't his
mother at least make him comb his! hair for this special night?"
Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when
he announced that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto #21 in C Major. I was
not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys,
they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to
fortissimo. From allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart
demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by
people his age. After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand
crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild applause.
Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby
in joy. "I've never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it? "
Through the microphone Robby explained: "Well Miss Honor . Remember I
told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed away
this morning And well . . . She was born deaf so tonight was the first
time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special."
There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people
from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster
care, noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to
myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil.
No, I've never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy. . .
Of Robby's. He was the teacher and I was the pupil for it is he that
taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in yourself
and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don't know why.
Robby was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murray
Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995. And now, a footnote
to the story.
If you are thinking about forwarding this message, you are probably
thinking about which people on your address list aren't the "appropriate"
ones to receive this type of message. The person who sent this to you
believes that we can all make a difference. So many seemingly trivial
interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we act with
compassion or do we pass up that opportunity and leave the world a bit
colder in the process?
You have two choices now:
1. Delete this.
2. Forward it to the people you care about.
You know the choice I made. Thank you for reading this
May God bless you today,tomorrow and always
*********
If God didn't have a purposes for us.
We wouldn't be here!
---
...Such a good story! Thanks Steve!
=====================================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
Q. Where did the phrase "jump on the bandwagon" come from?
A. In southern American states, in order to advertise an event or
political meeting, bands used to play on a wagon which was driven
through the streets. During elections, people would sometimes jump on
this wagon to show their support.
-<>-
For those, like me, who never saw any of the
|
|/ |
,,,,, ,+ /|
/ \ () | ||
\ C '\ /|_() ||
) _| .'___/,,,// ||
.'=. (____E.' / / \ ||
| \)`-\ _F_.' \ c `\ ||
\ \ !'__/ ) _| ||
\ \,' / /`._( ||
|`. .' / \ \ ||
\ `-' | .-. | | \ E ||
>====[] | \ |__| | O OE ||
/ |_/ | |___)| `.__j____ \|E ||
\_ | || __`.________ `. |""|\|
\ |\ ||| \///_ _|__|_|
\ __ | \ ||`""\\""""//"' \`. \ |
|[__]| \ ||.---\\__//---. | | \____|
||__|/ / \|____________|\ |/ |
| | / || || /| | |
-----| |/------------||-||-/`| |----------|
/| | || ||/`-|___| |
/\| | || \\._ [____] h|
/`.|____| || \\ `-/ '`._ j|
`=.\____/ || \\__`-.____) w|
) '`--. _.-||-._ `""""""" |
`='====' ,-' ' ` `-. |
`-.________.-' |
Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's,
'40's and '50's.
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers'
fields.
They were small red signs with white letters.
Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line
couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a
popular shaving cream.
Here are some of the actual signs:
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
=====================================================================
>-->From JokeCentral:
>A Daily Ministries
Put the Devil Out
(,,,) W
d'o'b |
<(_)--c
_( )_ | PhS
YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT BUT YOU LET HIM LEAVE HIS BAGS!!!
You got out of a bad relationship because it was bad, but you are
still resentful, and angry. (you let the devil leave his bags)
You got out of financial debt, but you still can't control the
desire to spend on frivolous things. (you let the devil leave his
bags)
You got out of a bad habit or addiction, but you still long to try
|_| ,
('.') ///
<(_)`-/'
<-._/J L / -bf-
it just one more time. (you let the devil leave his bags)
You said, I forgive you, but you can't seem to forget and have
peace with that person. (you let the devil leave his bags)
You told your mate that it was over, but you still continue to
call. (you let the devil leave his bags)
You got out of that horribly oppressive job, but you're still
trying to sabotage the company after you've left. (you let the devil
leave his bags)
You cut off the affair with that married man/woman, but you still
lust after him/her. (you let the devil leave his bags)
You broke off your relationship with that hurtful, abusive person,
|_| ,
('.') ///
<(_)`-/'
<-._/J L / -bf-
but you are suspicious and distrusting of every new person you meet.
(you let the devil leave his bags)
You decided to let go of the past hurts from growing up in an
unstable family environment, yet you believe you are unworthy of love
from others and you refuse to get attached to anyone. (you let the
devil leave his bags)
|_| ,
('.') ///
<(_)`-/'
<-._/J L / -bf-
WHEN YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT; MAKE SURE HE TAKES HIS BAGS, TOO!!
HOPE: Keep hope close to your heart, as a cupped hand protects a
flame...
With thanks to Juda Tarume
By way of "Keith Overturf"
The Christian Challenge and Blessing Email Service.
-<>-
The Pregnant Blonde
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came
home from work, just jumping for joy.
He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the
heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", he
said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping
up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!
He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while. He kissed her
and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to
have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he
asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and
bought the twin pack, home pregnancy test kit and BOTH Tests came
out positive!!!"
-<>-
Signs You May Be a Bad Driver
13> After heading off for the corner deli, you end up in downtown
Basra.
12> You've racked up so many points on your driver's license
that you can redeem them for a reduced sentence on your
next moving violation conviction.
11> Every year, Italy issues you a driver's license.
10> Awarding you the best actress Oscar was
just a sneaky way to encourage you to ride in limousines.
9> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the
Detroit Tigers.
8> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons
change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."
7> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the
inevitable spot.
6> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone
out of your front grille.
5> Whenever you go out, your friends make you the "designated
drunk."
4> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it --
at traffic court.
3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your
date of birth, social security number, home address, license
plate number and how many points you have left before your
39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.
2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it
was *up* at the time.
The Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver...
1> Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on
makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and
rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.
From top5.com. Warning: Top 5 lists are often not suitable for
children. Parental discretion is advised.
-<>-
Sometimes Things Go Wrong . . .
+
(|)
_____.___.|_|.
| / \ |===|
| / \ | o |
|__/__v__\|, ,|
| | | | | || ||
|/| . . . |','|
||| A A A | , |
||| M M M | | wtx
---------------------
Here are some "Murphy's Laws for Churches."
Video projectors always work before the program begins.
The probability of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is
greater on "Bring A Friend" Sunday than any other week.
The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his/her
worst.
No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more.
A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; members
living two blocks will be 15 minutes late.
The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting.
When you answer the Bible teacher's question right, nobody
remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets.
The furnace only fails when the outside temperature is more than 20
degrees below zero.
Source: Thought For The Day, http://tftd.faithsite.com/
------------------------
A teenage girl got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered
what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow
storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She
followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver
of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She
explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the
snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart
parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
Think about it!
Kevin Rayner
Oak Tree Church
Rochester, MN
-<>-
Cleanlaugh_Dog Exercises
_
_V.-o
/ |`-'
(7_\\
jg
You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from
all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy
equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything
you need to get in shape now. The following exercises can be done
anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press
tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who
favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be
damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out
of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this
exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and
so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from
unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're
certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your
dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air,
and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs)
Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops
ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs,
attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your
couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the
Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the
sock.
Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all
know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This
exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat.
Repeat.
Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and
precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which
only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.
Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a
circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.
WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small
dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are
plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds
are inadvisable.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for
your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A
dog is never too old or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least
expect it.
======================================================================
>-->Some Pet Wisdom...
>GRIEVOUS INJUSTICES by Kathy Whirity
They don't call it the graveyard shift for nothing.
For some workers at the City Pound, working the night shift means
being surrounded by death.
I read with interest a story about the amount of strays that walk
through the doors of the Pound. The story focused on the unfortunate
ones who never leave. So many dogs are put to sleep.
There are different reasons, of course, like the countless canines
that have been so horribly mistreated they'd never successfully fit into
a family setting -- put to death because of abusive owners with demented
intentions. Others are sickly or just too old to deal with the stress
of starting over with new families.
The plight of these pathetic pooches caught my attention. The
officer at the front desk of the Pound and I became acquainted on a
first name basis because everyday, my husband Bill and I, would take our
hour long ride down to see if our Hannah happened to be there.
We learned the hard way that this could be a lost dog's destination
after our older dog Holly was picked up and taken there awhile back. At
the time, we scoured every last cage at our local Animal Welfare League.
We were assured that if she got picked up that's definitely where she'd
be.
Lucky for us, on the fifth day of her disappearance, my harried
husband had a hunch. He decided to run down to the Pound on the off
chance that maybe, just maybe, she was there.
To our surprise and utter relief there she was. We found out that
she had been at the Pound since the afternoon she wandered out of our
backyard.
Hurricane Hannah, as we like to call her, is a runner that takes
off in a hurry. Leave a door ajar or a gate slightly open and she's off
in a flash.
On a bright and sunny Saturday morning, a few weeks ago, we noticed
the back gate open and no Hannah in sight. It was the last we saw her
for a week. We'd go to the Pound and carefully inspect each and every
cage. We knew the routine well.
First we'd go through the doors of Pavillion A then B, and by the
time we reached Pavillion C, I'd be saying a prayer that we'd find our
Hannah.
Thankfully, we found her! Not at the Pound, but in the safety of a
loving family who took good care of her for the week she was away from
home. For us, it was a happy ending.
However, that's not the case for the rows and rows of cages that
confine man's best friend at the Pound. My heart went out to the well
cared for pups that you could tell belonged to loving homes. Those were
the ones who would just glance up at you as if to say, "I know you're
not my owner but would you please tell them I'm here?"
Then there were the scruffy ones that even a mother would have a
hard time loving. They'd almost stand at attention, trying to give
their best pose, paws poking through the bars of the cage, just hoping
for a pat on the head or a soothing praise of "good dog".
From the looks of the packed Pound it was obvious that many of
their owners must wrongly assume that their faithful Fido couldn't
possibly be there. Night after night, there are innocent animals being
put down because the Pound cannot keep up with the plethora of pets that
come through the doors.
What a hopeless shame for loving owners to lose a pet because they
didn't think to look at the Pound. What a grievous injustice to our
4-legged companions whom, for one reason or another, find themselves
separated from their human family. So many dogs, so many needless
deaths.
For some employees, this is life on the graveyard shift at the City
Pound.
-- Kathy Whirity
========================================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"Did you watch 'American Idol' last night? Sanjaya is
still on! How is this happening? No matter how horrible
he does, he gets voted back. He's like the George Bush
of 'American Idol'."
- Jay Leno
"I love spring in New York. Isn't it great? I mean,
today, it's sunny and 61. Just like Katie Couric."
- David Letterman
"The Postal Service is getting ready to introduce a new
set of Star Wars-themed stamps. The plan is in May they're
going to issue a really cool set of Star Wars stamps, then
in 15 years, they'll release a second set of Star Wars
stamps that suck."
- Jimmy Kimmel
Science has never drummed up quite as effective a
tranquilizing agent as a sunny spring day.
-- W. Earl Hall
"What a story! A woman is having a snack, choking to death,
and she receives the Heimlich treatment from her dog. This
is a very talented dog — he also did Regis' bypass surgery."
- David Letterman
"I'll tell you why I don't like American Idol. It's like
being in a karaoke bar sober."
- Craig Ferguson
"Heather Mills is on our show tonight. I'm gonna need
everyone's help pretending we haven't made any jokes
about her."
- Jimmy Kimmel
An optimist is the human personification of spring.
-- Susan J. Bissonette
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Uh Huh! :)Shangy!
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http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
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-->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice
You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair.
We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with
all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806
************************************************************************
-->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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-->Missed Any of These Teachings? 'BABES IN CHRIST','IN The Beginning',
'Crossing The Line','NEVER Give Up', 'FEAR - Feeling Kind Of Buggy',
'HAUNTINGS', 'Christianity And The Renewed Mind', or 'Curse Of The Law'
--BE SURE TO Tell me which one you want or yyou'll get them all :)
>For a Lesson:
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