Why Men Are So Lovable ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ >-->Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This one is a hot tottie! It comes from our friend Jo Ann. Quite an awesome one. Did you know angels watch over our troops? Check it out for yourself! . , )). -===- ,(( ))). ,((( ))))). .:::. ,(((((( ))))))))). :. .: ,((((((((' `))))))))))). : - : ,(((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))_:' ':_(((((((((((((((' `)))))))))))).-' \___/ '-._((((((((((( `))))_._.-' __)( )(_ '-._._((((' `))'---)___)))'\_ _/'((((__(---'((' `))))))))))))|' '|((((((((((((' jim `)))))))))/' '\(((((((((' `)))))))| |(((((((' `))))))| |((((((' /' '\ /' '\ /' '\ /' '\ '---..___..---' Angel Wing Decoys http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angel.html --- ...so very beautiful! Thanks Jo Ann! ========================================================= >-->From The FunnyBone: Ten Reasons Why Men Are So Lovable (otherwise titled Why Men are (somewhat) Better Than Toddlers) \\///// |6 6| You almost never have to spoonfeed them ( _\ | mushy cereal. | = | |\___/ When they fall down, they can usually get ___/| |__ up on their own. /` | '----' |`\ / | | \ They CAN be left alone...but only for short /~% | ; \ periods of time. / /\/ |`\ \ \ \ | | / / It actually is FUN when they get messy..... `\ \| |/ /` with your help... `\; |/` (| |) They CAN dress themselves, you just don't |_________| want to take them out that way... | | | | | | They don't whine and whine about having |____|__| to go someplace they don't want to \ | | - oh wait a second ...nevermind. | ) ) / | | They are EASY to put to bed. |___|__| \===|==| Their shoe size doesn't change every / `-.`-. two months. jgs \______)__) They almost never wake-up when you make a little noise near them (in fact, you can clang cymbals, ring phones, set off alarms and maybe even drop bombs) Two words - TRASH DAY ============================================================= +---------- Even More Bizarre December Holidays -----------+ December 21 is Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day, National French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day December 22 is National Date-Nut Bread Day December 23 is Roots Day December 24 is National Egg Nog Day December 25 is National Pumpkin Pie Day December 26 is National Whiners Day December 27 is National Fruitcake Day December 28 is Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day December 29 is Pepper Pot Day December 30 is Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day December 31 is Unlucky Day ========================================================== >-->From Our Friend Johanna :) >Wikileaks "If we want to keep our nation's secrets 'SECRET,' store them where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate." --- ...HaHa! How true! Thanks Johanna! -<>- Unknown author ___ //))))) )))@_@) ((( = ) ))) -(_ __ / `-'\\ /,\\\` /__| )y | < \ (\_/ `.\ \ {>>>` | /`-'\____| / c \\ / (C \_ _))\ `-'-._/ \ / /\ \ / ,' `. \ / / \ \ <\_\_ \ \ `---` (_`-\_ `---' hjw This morning I heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children; after many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids. She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year - overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card. Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot." From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, "Don't worry. We already crucified him." For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all did it, just think of how different this whole world would be. --- ...Sweet! Thanks Johanna! =============================================================== >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) ___O_____O_____O_____O_____O_____O_____O_____O_____O___ ( )/ ( )/ ( )/ ( )/ ( )/ ( )/ ( )/ ( )/ ( )/ (/ (/ (/ (/ (/ (/ (/ (/ (/ _______\_____\_____\_____\_____\_____\_____\_____\_____\_____ __O______O______O______O______O______O______O______O__ \ ( ) \ ( ) \ ( ) \ ( ) \ ( ) \ ( ) \ ( ) \ ( ) \ ) \ ) \ ) \ ) \ ) \ ) \ ) \ ) _____/______/______/______/______/______/______/______/___ Fast food Hallelujah!!!! -AMAZING! http://tinyurl.com/39yo2sw --- ...such a heart warmer - brought me tears! Thanks PatDeE! These people were ministering unto God and our Lord Jesus Christ! Surely a blessing for them to hear and see! -<>- $$$$$$$$$$$$R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$V "Y .""**##%%$$$$$$$$$ $$$$# `$$N$$$$$$$$$mmmuuu:.""# $$R $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $! @$$$$$""R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $> '$$$$$F $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $W $$$$: R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$ $$8$$R:x@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $$$$x$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $N$ "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$ $$$$ @ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $` u$$$$$ R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ N$R$$$$ R$$$$$$$$$$$$$ *$$@$$$f .i. `$$$$$$$$$$$$ k 9$$$. $$$$$$$$$$$ R M$$$$$. $$$$$$$$$ $ 4$$$$$$$. $$$$$$$$ $ @$$$$$$$$$b-B>R$$$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $ < $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $ $b $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$i $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$c #$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$R ?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ .i. #$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$R d$b M$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$r $$$$$$ 9$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$# X$$$$$$$od$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Bob Allison >Bob Hope was 52 and James Cagney was 56. Enjoy and smile Two Greats together - Bob Hope And James Cagney http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOoNOs8Ql28 --- ...Awesome Dancing! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >This is really a wake up call Start at the 5th or 6th slide http://www.slideshare.net/mspnet/china-national-day-parade-2009 --- ...Geesh! I think we give them too much money! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- .--._.--.--.__.--.--.__.--.--.__.--.--._.--. _(_ _Y_ _Y_ _Y_ _Y_ _)_ [___] [___] [___] [___] [___] [___] /:' \ /:' \ /:' \ /:' \ /:' \ /:' \ |:: | |:: | |:: | |:: | |:: | |:: | \::. / \::. / \::. / \::. / \::. / \::. / jgs \::./ \::./ \::./ \::./ \::./ \::./ '=' '=' '=' '=' '=' '=' >Amish Christmas lights...amazing..... I know it's not quite the season, but these are amazing! Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights. -<>- . | , \ _---_ / -_ .' `. _- __ : .---. : __ : \ / : -" `. | | .' "- / |`-'| \ ' ]"-_[ ` ]"-_[ Ojo 98 "*" >5 Minute Management Course Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information with your shareholders in time, pertaining to credit and risk, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a nun a lift.. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of this story: (1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of doo doo is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep doo doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE. Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know. -<>- .--._.--.--.__.--.--.__.--.--.__.--.--._.--. _(_ _Y_ _Y_ _Y_ _Y_ _)_ [___] [___] [___] [___] [___] [___] /:' \ /:' \ /:' \ /:' \ /:' \ /:' \ |:: | |:: | |:: | |:: | |:: | |:: | \::. / \::. / \::. / \::. / \::. / \::. / jgs \::./ \::./ \::./ \::./ \::./ \::./ '=' '=' '=' '=' '=' '=' You know very well that the Amish don't use electricity. Fooling old people is so easy! --- ...LOL! All Good ones! Thanks PatDeE! ================================================================ >-->In The Worldly News :) [Politics] >From Patriot News: Breaking: Federal Judge Just Struck Down ObamaCare Law http://tinyurl.com/2fmpl42 >From BizarreNews: Sometimes you're having such a bad day that the only thing you have going for you is a hot fudge sundae. Now imagine you're having a day like that, but when you get your sundae there's not enough hot fudge on it? What do you do? What do you do? If you're 33-year-old Elaine Emter of Edmonton, Alberta you immediately start a fight with the guy at the a McDonald's drive-through. Emter became disruptive at a McDonald's drive-through and insisted there was not enough hot fudge on her sundae. However, workers would not exchange the item without a receipt. Officers arrived and questioned Emter while she was still in the parking lot and she was "in their faces" shouting. The prosecutor said Emter tried to drive away, but was stopped and informed she was being charged with causing a disturbance. However, the woman refused to get out of her car and one of the officers had to place her in a choke hold so she could be handcuffed. This is when the fun part starts. Emter bit one of the officers, which is a big no-no, even in Canada, who were then forced to use a stun gun, on her head...twice. She pleaded guilty to causing a disturbance and resisting arrest, yielding her 18 months of probation with 40 hours of community service. -- Greeting card maker pole dances in store ------- NEW YORK - A New York greeting card designer said she has found success with her business model, which includes in- store pole dances. Jill-Anne, owner of Jill-Anne's on the Lower East Side, said she has been performing in the store for the past two months and any customers who spend at least $50 on her hand-made greeting cards get a personal pole dance, the New York Daily News reported Thursday. "I always swore to myself I would always have fun at work. I have a wonderful time with my company, but I also need mini breaks and since I don't have a water cooler or the Starbucks around the corner, I have my pole," she said. "Seventy-five percent of the people, when I'm poling, in my store who walk by are women who smile and clap, so it's not a male lust thing. It's empowering women thing as well," Jill-Anne said. -- Sheriff accidentally shoots own hand ------- POCATELLO, Idaho - An Idaho sheriff said his "pride is fractured" but he is not otherwise seriously injured after accidentally shooting himself in the hand. Bannock County Sheriff Lorin Nielsen said he was outside of his Pocatello home admiring a gun he received as a gift from a cousin when he placed his hand on top of the barrel to try putting the hammer back down, KIFI-TV, Idaho Falls, Idaho, reported. Nielsen said his thumb slipped and the gun went off, discharging a bullet through the fleshy part of his hand near his little finger. The sheriff said the bullet did not hit any ligaments or tendons. "I can say I shot the sheriff," Nielsen joked. He was treated for the injury at a local hospital. "My pride is fractured, but my hand is fine," he said. ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend Sandi :) %%% %% %%%.%%. <)_/\ /| ___(_,_),_)|___ || // \ / ||rs >The Perfect Couple: http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf --- ...HaHa! Thanks Sandi! -<>- () ( ) ( ) (_ _) >--\__/--< / _ _ \ /_/(. .)\_\ (-< > < >-) \ )( )( / \/\\__/_//\/ \ : / | : | \ : / / : \ \ : / ( \:/ ) ( ( ^^^ ) ) ( ( ) ) ( ( ) ) '\\|//` '\|/` W _ o _/ \// C\___/ cjr 10feb0 >The Female Genie While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His privates was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good. --- ...Always! TeeHee! Thanks Sandi! -<>- _ /\.'|_ _.-| |\ | / |_ / \ _>-"""-._.'|_ >`-.' `./ \ /`./ \-< `-| |_/ /_| |_\ ) | | | -<| |\/ `'_\ /`< |_/`. .'\_/ \_/ >-.._..-'\_| `-`_| \_\|_/ | `' | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | /\ | | | /| \ |\ | |/ |/ \| \| VK >DARWIN AWARDS The Darwin's are out! Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15 , which begs the question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed? 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember...They walk among us, they reproduce. --- ...Argh! LOL! Thanks Sandi! ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend Del :) _______ /______/"=, [ | "=, "=,, [-----+----"=,* ) (_---_____---_)/ (O) (O) Emiliano >Clunker math The person who calculated this bit of information went to high school in Pittsburgh , Pa. He is now & has been a professor at The University of West Virginia in Morgantown, West Virginia for the last forty some years. I never looked at the clunker program in such depth. Think of it this way: A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses 800 gallons of gas a year. A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses 480 gallons a year. So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year. They claim 700,000 vehicles so that's 224 million gallons saved per year. That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil. 5 million barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption. More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to save $350 million. We spent $8.57 for every dollar we saved. I'm pretty sure they will do a great job with our health care, though. --- ...Yeah, it was a clunker of a deal eh? Thanks Del! -<>- _ (_) |_________________________________________ |* * * * * |##########################| | * * * * *| | |* * * * * |##########################| | * * * * *| | |* * * * * |##########################| | * * * * *| | |* * * * * |##########################| |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |#########################################| | | |#########################################| | | |###################################JGS###| |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | | | | My great great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Civil War, my grandfather watched as his friends died in WW II, and my father watched as his friends died in Vietnam. None of them died for the Mexican Flag. Everyone died for the U.S. flag. In Texas, a student raised a Mexican flag on a school flag pole; another student took it down. G uess who was expelled...the kid who took it down. Kids in high school in California were sent home this year on Cinco de Mayo because they wore T-shirts with the American flag printed on them. Enough is enough. The below e-mail message needs to be viewed by every American; and every American needs to stand up for America We've bent over to appease the America-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand. I'm standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the U.S. flag can't stand up. And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message. Let me make this perfectly clear! THIS IS MY COUNTRY! And, because I make This statement DOES NOT Mean I'm against immigration!!! YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY! Welcome! To come through legally: 1. Get a sponsor! 2. Get a place to lay your head! 3. Get a job! 4. Live By OUR Rules! 5. Pay YOUR Taxes! And 6. Learn the LANGUAGE like immigrants have in the past!!! AND 7. Please don't demand that we hand over our lifetime savings of Social Security Funds to you. If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, Then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM! When will AMERICANS STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS??? We've gone so far the other way... bent over backwards not to offend anyone. But it seems no one cares about the AMERICAN CITIZEN that's being offended! WAKE UP America !!! If You agree.... Pass this on. If You don't agree.. Delete It!!! --- ...yeppers! Thanks Del! -<>- @ ) (_m_\ \\" _.`~. `(#'/.\) .>' (_--, _=/d . ^\ ~~ \)-' ' / | ptr ##'##'#after a:f############## ################################# >Ride 'Em Cowboy --- Ever wonder just who all those minor characters were who populated western after western with few lines and a familiar face. Well, the clip has pictures and names -- so after 50 or so years -- say "Howdy" to some of those general store, saloon keeper, blacksmith mini-heroes from your youth. Those Old Westerns http://oldfortyfives.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm and enjoy.................:) --- ...Yes, days gone by! Thanks Del! ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Wesley :) .-""""-._.'| / '.| | / | / | -= | /| ( | |/`< ) ) ( ; -=| _| ) \ \ / ____ /) '._ _.-""-.< .' `\/) / / \ / _ .'`/| _ / | '-._( __\ (__/_/=, ( \| \ -=/ /--;==========` ._,;'\==='-,..__/__/__.' `'--/,/ || ' \ / | / || ' \ \/ . || ; jgs / / || | | . || | / '=------| / ' ; ; ;| `-.___.___.___.___._/ >Thanksgiving Leftovers... When I was a young turkey, new to the coop... My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop... Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow... And he told me there was something I had to know... His look and his tone I will always remember... When he told me of the horrors of, Black November... Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three... And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin... And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin... And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed... It'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head. Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink... And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink... And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing... She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing... Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat... I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat... I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked... I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked... I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola... And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes... I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes... I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half... And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed... But it was I who was laughing, under my breath... As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death... And sure enough when Black November rolled around... I was the last turkey left in the whole compound... So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap... I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming... And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...." --- ...LOL! Wonderful poem! Thanks Wesley! -<>- ___________ // \\ _____ []//___________\\[] / ___\ | _____________ | / / oo |[_]|--AMC--|[_]| \_( _) |_==_________==_| \___-/ | | | | / \ _____|__|_________|__|____|| ||__________ \ / || || JRO| | || || | | ||__|| ))) | | |_/ \| oo ) / \ | /// \o/ / \ | | /:\\ _/ \__| |______|_//___ |___| ||| [____) / (_(_) >ripped : you might be a hillbilly if ... - You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. - Your property has been mistaken for a reccycling centre. - You burn your yard rather than mow it. - You come back from the dump with more thaan you took. - Your wife can climb a tree faster than yoour cat. - Your grandma has "Ammo" on her Christmass list. - Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. - You sit on your roof at Christmas time hooping to fill your deer quota. - You missed your 5th grade graduation becaause you had jury duty. -<>- ____ || | ||___| _)__<__ _ _ |____|__|:|___|:|_ | |_.---._|___| _ | o| | | |_o_| | || |/| |\| | |_||____|`\___/'|___| V _/-\_ >Computer terminology State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G4: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago." Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error. GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your soda on it. Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Laptop: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. -<>- ________________ '------._.------'\ \_______________\ .'| .'| .'_____________.' .| | | | | Scooby _.-. | . | | * (_.-' | | | Snacks | .| | * * | .' |______________|.' LGB >Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog: 10. There's potpourri hanging from your pooch's collar. 9. The dog's nails have been trimmed with pinking shears. 8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks. 7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows. 6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl. 5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip. 4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds. 3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of the doghouse. 2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing an apricot colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS... 1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans. -<>- ."";._ _.---._ _.-"". /_.'_ '-' /`-` \_ \ .' / `\ \ /` \ '. .' / ; _ _ '-; \ ;'. _.' ; /\ / \ \ \ ; '._;._ .-'.--. | / | \0|0/ \ | '-. / /` \ | / .' \ | .---. \ | | | / /--' .-"""-. \ \/ \ | \ \ / / / ( , , ) /\ \ | / \ '----' .' | '-(_)-' | | '. / / `'----'` | '. | `'----'` jgs \ `/ '. , .' `-.____.' '.____.-' \ / '-' >groaner: dumped A man just got dumped by his girlfriend. He was telling several friends about how it happened and said, "When I was talking to her on the phone, she told me something about meeting a man in Germany. This man owns a sheep farm and is very, very rich." Then one of the friends asked, "You mean she dumped you for a German shepherd?" --- ...Oh My! HaHa! Good Ones! Thanks Wesley! ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: | --====|====-- | .-"""""-. .'_________'. /_/_|__|__|_\_\ ;'-._ _.-'; ,--------------------| `-. .-' |--------------------, ``""--..__ ___ ; ' ; ___ __..--""`` jgs `"-// \\.._\ /_..// \\-"` \\_// '._ _.' \\_// `"` ``---`` `"` Explain THAT to TSA. My mother is fond of giving me things whenever I visit. I think she looks at it as an opportunity to clear some of the clutter out of her house. Once I commented that I liked the design of a coffee mug she had and when I left she forced me to pack the entire set of mugs in my bag. She even wrapped each one individually in newspaper for me. I think she needed the space in her cupboard. So I have learned to be careful what I comment on around her house. Last weekend I was admiring Mom's garden into which she puts so much time and effort. I told her that I thought one plant she had...with large, dark green leaves edged in red...looked gorgeous and we had an animated discussion about its cultivation and gardening in general. It was very innocent. On Monday morning while I was packing Mom snuck up to me, with an almost apologetic look on her face, and handed me several Ziploc bags stuffed with various clipping and trimmings from her garden. I would have objected but she already had them ready to go. Now I feel obligated to plant them all. I guess I'll have to stop by the nursery on my way home tonight and buy a few planters and several pounds of soil. She also managed to sneak several pounds of Easter ham and a Tupperware container full of potato salad into my bag when I wasn't looking. I didn't notice that until the TSA agent who was confiscating my deodorant held it up and asked me what it was. He didn't confiscate it. I guess he had already had lunch. Laugh it up, Joe -<>- The teacher in an adult Sabbath class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month - until you loathe it." When the woman finished she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?" -<>- __.------. (__ ___ ) .)e )\ / /_.------ _/_ _/ __.' / ' `-.__ / <.--' `\ / \ \c | / / ) GoT x \ | /\ |c / \.- \ \__/ ) /( ( \ <>'\ / _/ _\- `-. \/_|_ /<> / /--/,-\ _ \ <>.`. \/`--\_._) - / `-/\ `.\ / `. / ) `\ \ \ \___/----' | / `( ___________ \ ./\_ _ \ ______________ / | ) '| __________________ | / \ \ ___________a:f / | |____.) / \ a88a\___/88888a. \_ :)8888888888888888888a. /` `-----' `Y88888888888888888 \____| `88888888888P' During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the sergeant reports to the chief. "Sorry Sir, but they got away." The chief very angry says, "I told you to cover all of the exits!" "I did," replied the sergeant, "but they got away through the entrance." -<>- I was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., I spent my spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon I became a guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers. Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water. He must have noticed the puzzled look on my face, "Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained. -<>- "Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army." "Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you." "But I don't want to be a pilot." "You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force." Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either." -<>- <> .-"""-. ||::::::========== /= \ ||::::::========== |- /~~~\ | ||::::::========== |=( '.' ) | ||================ \__\_=_/__/ ||================ {_______} ||================ /` * `'--._|| /= . [] . { > / /|ooo |`'--'|| ( )\_______/ || \``\/ \ || `-| == \_| || / | || |= >\ __/ || \ \ |- --| || \ __| \___/ || jgs _{__} _{__} || ( )( ) || ^^~ `""" `""" ~^^^~^^~~~^^^~^^^~^^^~^^~^ When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. -<>- Usually the secretary at my son's school answers when I call, but on this occasion I spoke to an unfamiliar voice. I men- tioned this to my 11-year-old son and asked if he knew who it was. "It could have been Mrs. Campbell," he answered after thinking it over. "Did it sound like she was wearing a blue coat?" ============================================================= >-->From The MouthPiece: Before They Were Big Time Everybody's got to start somewhere. Before they were doing boffo boxoffice or crafting Oscar speeches, these now- legendary directors made some of the campiest, silliest and strangest movies ever to grace the bottom of the b-list. Can you match the heavy-hitter with his secret shame? http://www.mentalfloss.com/quiz/quiz.php?q=48 Road Rage The Original Road Rage Traffic Reports Road rage statistics, articles about road rage, and information about aggressive driving can all be found here. http://www.monkeymeter.com/ -<>- ______ __________________: ( _____ ) ( ) / / - - \ \ ( Hmmm... now where ) | |-O-O-| | o O ( IS that brain ) |( () )| ( of mine? ) | \ \_/ / | ( _________________ ) / --- \ (___) (___) unknown >Useless Inventions 1. Non stick Cellotape 2. Solar Powered Flash Light 3. A black highlighter pen 4. Glow in the dark sunglasses 5. Inflatable Anchor 6. Smooth Sandpaper 7. Waterproof sponge 8. Waterproof Teabags 9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators 10. Fireproof Matches 11. Fireproof Cigarettes 12. Battery powered Battery Charger 13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes 14. Hand powered Chainsaw 15. Inflatable Dartboard 16. Silent Alarm Clock 17. A Pedal powered wheelchair 18. Braille Drivers Manual 19. Double sided playing cards 20. Ejector seats for Helicopters ========================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: >Andy Says... Just Think About This! Like a fence, character cannot be strengthened by whitewash. ~~~-- American Proverb ================= WISDOM Saying nothing... sometimes says the most. -- Emily Dickinson, ================= Why not be oneself? That is the whole secret of a successful appearance. If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekinese? -- Edith Sitwell, British Poet ================ "There are plenty of rules for attaining success, but none of them work unless you do!" -- Mark Twain ================ Don't cry over today, tomorrow could be worse. ================ Experience is the ability to recognize a mistake when you do it again. ================ Onion breath is only a problem for others. ================ It's easy enough to be pleasant When life goes by like a song. But the man worthwhile Is the man who can smile When everything goes dead wrong. ~~~~~~More From Aiken's Drum~~~~~ ================= "If someone betrays you once, it is his fault. If he betrays you twice, it is your fault." -- Eleanor Roosevelt ================== "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." -- Eleanor Roosevelt ================== "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand." -- Anonymous -<>- __ .' '-. / '. / \ / \ | / | | / \ ( / '. )'. .'```--'`'-.__.-" / `\ / | | | '. / ) )_.' \ /'--""-...-'-.__/ '-/ , \ ;_ )`-. .( \ ."`` ` | `\ / | ; ; \ _| | _| '-. | '.(_/ \(_/ \ | __ | ; `'.__.- (._.) ._. / \ \ ) | /` `'. '. ( / ; '. `'-'-._` _.' / `. '-' / |`-. _.' _| `. '--;` jgs_.-""` `"=. .-._| / ` `-""-. \ ) `;-.__.--._ ._ .' / `""` `--`\ / \ >** LAST CHRISTMAS...THIS CHRISTMAS ** Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we didn't have. This Christmas we are thinking about all the things we do have. Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes. This hristmas we are placing wreaths on the graves of our heroes. Last Christmas we were counting our money. This Christmas we are counting our blessings. Last Christmas we thought a man who could rush down a football field was a hero. This Christmas we know a man who rushes into a burning building is the real one. Last Christmas we paid lip service to the real meaning of the holidays. This Christmas we are paying homage to it. Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate. This Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate. Last Christmas we were trying not to let annoying relatives get the best of us. This Christmas we are trying to give the best of ourselves to them. Last Christmas we thought it was enough to celebrate the holidays. This Christmas we know we must also find ways to consecrate them. Last Christmas we were thinking about the madness of the holidays. This Christmas we are thinking about the meaning of them. Last Christmas we were getting on one another's nerves. This Christmas we are getting on our knees. Last Christmas we were giving thanks for gifts from stores. This Christmas we are giving thanks for gifts from God. Last Christmas we were wondering how to give our children all the things that money can buy - the hottest toys, the latest fashions, the newest gadgets. This Christmas we are wondering how to give them all the things it can't - a sense of security, safety, peace. Last Christmas we were thinking about all the pressure we are under he office. This Christmas we are thinking about all the people who no longer have an office to go to. Last Christmas we were singing carols. This Christmas we are singing anthems. Last Christmas we were thinking how good it would feel to be affluent. This Christmas we are thinking how good it feels to be alive. Last Christmas we thought angels were in heaven. This Christmas we know some are right here on earth. Last Christmas we believed in the power of the pocketbook. This Christmas we believe in the power of prayer. Last Christmas we were sharing/spreading/listening to gossip. This Christmas we are sharing/spreading/listening to the Gospel. Last Christmas we valued things that were costly. This Christmas we value things that are holy. ** Last Christmas the people we idolized wore football, basketball and baseball uniforms. This Christmas the people we idolize wear police, firefighters and military uniforms. Last Christmas "peace on earth" is something we prayed for on Sunday mornings. Now it is something we pray for every day. -<>- ,;;, ';;;' )`\ .--' ) .--' / .' ( ."`-./_ _ _ _\.-'". | (` `=``_````_``=` `) | `) (0)__(0) (` /` .-( )-. `\ | ( \/ ) | \ '._/\_.' / '-._ `""` _.' jgs /'-. _.;_...-'' | ()` | '-`/\`-./ ((\\ \)\\ )) (/ >** Recipe for a Happy Christmas ** Fill a house with equal parts of Love, Hope, & Peace. Add The Joy of children, the Strength of older people, and the Spirit of Christ. Spread over all the Blessings of Contentment. Season with the Music of Laughter. Sprinkle with Kisses. Warm before a Crackling Fire. Serve with Great Welcome and Much Cheer. For even more perfection, add Lots of Hugs. ~ Author Unknown ~ -<>- _.--""""'. .' `\ / \ _/_ _,__ __ __/ | |`_o)/ ` ` | ; | )/o\> \ / ;"`""`""`"""`";.""-. .' .--._.--. / ' \ / / _ _ \ |'. '| / | / \ / \ | \__'/ ; .-' \o/ \o/ '-. ; | | () .-"""-. () | | ; | \ / | ; \ ; \ / ; / /`\ \ \ / / /`\ / .:`""--....Y....--::` .:\ \:' .:' .:' .:' .:'/| /'._.:' .:' .:' .:'.;':\ / ``;--::.___::.--;``` | \ / / \ |':.| ; | | \ ':| | | _..._ | \ \ | \ .' o o'. / |:. | \ './ o.-"-. o\.' \ ':.\ ;. `-; ;-' .;\ | | `-._ _/ \_ _.-' | |:. | | | ```\o (>0<)` /``` | |/__':/ ; \ '._/`\).' / ;77777 \ \ /```\ / / \ '. .' / \ `-.__ __.-' / '. ``` .' jgs /`-._ _.-'\ / , ``;---;`` , \ | / | | | | \ | '-'|__/\_/ \_/\__|'-' >** Eight gifts that do not cost a cent ** 1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING... But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening. 2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION... Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends. 3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER... Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you." 4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE... It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life. 5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT... A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day. 6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR... Every day, go out of your way to do something kind. 7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE... There are times when we want nothing better, than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others. 8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION... The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, Hello or Thank You. -<>- _.._ .' .-'` + / / . * + | | /^\ . \ '.___.; /' '\ . * '._ _.' /' '\ __ * /' '\ >< + /'_______'\ /_ \ + . `|`"`"`"`|` |-_| /^\ .-| /,\ |---'--'--/' '\ * . /::| |_I_| | /' '\ /:::|_______| /' ___ '\ /:::::::.. /' /_|_\ '\ * * /___________________/' \_|_/ '\ . |`"`"`"`"`"`"`"`"`/' '\ | .===. .===. /'_____________'\ + + | | , | | , | `|`"`"`"`"`"`"`|` | |_I_| |_I_| | .===. .===. | . |_________________| | , | | , | | /::::::.. | |_I_| |_I_| | . * /:::::::::.... |_____________|\ /____________________________________\ `;.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:;:.:.:.:.:.:.;:` + * |;`"` `"` `"` `"` `"`|;"` `"` `"` || * || ___ .====. || ___ ___ || * + >< || |---| |/::\| || |---|---| || _ . >>o< || | , | |:():| || | , | , | || _|_|_ >o><<<|| |_I_| |\::/| || |_I_|_I_| || _\_/ >>><<<<||__________| ``o|___||___________|| ->-/~. \-<- >>>>>o>><<<<|||||||||||||____|||||||||||||||||||::: / . \ :::: '.'.:>>>>>jgs<||__><___><_|====|___||___________||.:. \ / .':: ::...>>>o><<<<<>>>><<>><<<;====; .'..'.. ..'..' .::. '.`"""` ..::: '::..'. . .. '' '.'. './ \ '. .' .. ..:: ..:;'' ..'.'..' ': '. '. '. ' .. ' / \ '. '. ''. ' . ' . ' ' .' .' >** Be Big Enough ** Be big enough to live the life God gave you, Untouched by petty selfishness and greed. Stand free from foolish habits that enslave you, Be big enough to meet your greatest need. Be big enough to speak the truth--and live it. Hold your ideals though the heavens fall-- Expect no quarter, yet be quick to give it-- Be big enough to smile, when all about you, Your very world lies crumbled in the dust-- Have courage to fight on when your friends doubt you, Be big enough to keep your faith and trust. Be big enough to say--I was mistaken. Be slow to take offense--quick to forgive-- Let pity, justice, love in your heart awaken, Be big enough, and kind enough to live. -<>- L E T I T .--._ S / (`{_} ) *\ N / | |* '. O /_...._* \ ;' ____ '.| W _ _ / .' `'. \ _ /` `| / `\ _ (_/ e e \_) _/ ` / | ' |_ | /) | ( '. _.-' '. .' ) \ // , / .' `._) `(_.' '. /'(/"""`_.;,_.'* / \ * './ `----`\.:\\ / \ * \ :: :: :| .|| * / '. ':: :: _/:'|' / '. * `````/` |* .' | * /.:'/ | \ * ,'` /* / .'._ / .:'| _.'. .' `"|.:' \ '. / \' .:. \ ; \ .:' '-._ ; " "-. _| ':' .:' = |- "`` --. | '. .:' = | ; `-:_= ; \ / jgs '. .' `"- ... -- "` >** Recipe For A Successful Marriage ** 3 cups Tenderness 1 cup Commitment 1 cup Consideration 1 cup Courtesy 2 cups Unselfish support 2 cups Milk of human kindness 1 gallon Faith in God and in each other Add: 2 cups -- Praise 3 cups -- Cooperation 1 small pinch of in-laws 1 realistic financial budget 3 T pure extract of "I am sorry" 1 cup Contentment 2 cups of open and honest communication 1 cup each: Confidence Encouragement Supportive friends Blindness to each other's faults Individual interests and hobbies Mix in: Several mutual activities and hobbies. Flavor with occasional tokens of your love and a dash of happy memories. Stir well and remove any specks of temper, jealousy, or criticism. Sweeten well with a generous portion of love and keep warm with a steady flame of devotion. Never serve with a hot tongue or cold shoulder. -<>- _{}_ .' '. /_......_\ _ __ _ ."` `". | | ______ \ |; |_.-'o o`-._/ || | V | ||_ , |\ `'----'` / '-.` .-';'---.--.--'; || | \ '. \ _||_ /'-.____\ `\ ; / ) | | |`\ | _.' \ \ \ \ \ || ()\ \\\ \ \|| \\\\\\ \ | || () |_/ || ; jgs || () ' '. .'|| '. -' '-. .-' || `" " ` `--. >** Christmas Gifts for men ** Christmas is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big- screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why. -<>- .---. .' , _\ _ /_____\{_} / ( . {_______} | `|_ / . . \ \_.'_} |. v .| {_.'| \ '...' / | \{`'.___.'`} \ /'._ _.'`\ \ ; o ``` \ ; o \ \_ | o_ \.'` } ;==[_]======{__.'\ \ |/) | `; .' /_/ / `- / / / /\ \ {`-._/ \ _.'`} ;-.__} {__.'\ __/ / \_ \ ( ` / / / jgs '.__/ (__.' >** TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR MALL HAS A BAD SANTA 10. Instead of saying, "Ho-Ho-Ho," he hollers "Oy vey!" 9. He asks the mothers if they want to sit on his lap. 8. Resume includes appearing as Santa in "Naughty, Naughty Girls." 7. You recognize him as a former NFL star doing Community Service hours. 6. He complains that the food court has no whiskey. 5. He refers to the wishing fountain as his "tip jar." 4. He won't talk to the kids without conferring with his lawyer. 3. He asks the kids to leave him milk and crack. 2. He Replaces Joe Camel as the new Camel cigarettes spokesman. 1. Before the kids sit on his lap he orders the elves to frisk them. Mombeaux Christmas Quickie Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A. Because he had low elf esteem. -<>- , , , , |\_.'/ )`-'\__, |\_/ .`(_ / `. ( _| . '_.-'` '--. `'. '-(_)' ( /.-. `(_)(_)`--' ` \/ / . '-. '`) : ( `-. ' .-' )'/ jgs `; >** Hanging Mistletoe ** It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." =============================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Just Thinking... http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/thinking.html Jobs That Suck! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jobs.html Right Angle Photography! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/anglephoto.html Mini Baby Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/baby.html Bailey's Jesus! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bailey.html Disney Christmas http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/disneychristmas.html Redneck Christmas Tree http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/redneck.html Christmas With Pets http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmaspets.html Amazing Grace http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/amazinggrace.html -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) free printable holiday grocery lists http://tinyurl.com/3x67xc7 hamster attack http://tinyurl.com/29fh6gb evidence for God from science http://tinyurl.com/4hqud8 glitch http://tinyurl.com/ydvf62l Elf Yourself by OfficeMax http://tinyurl.com/639jqk --- ...Awesome Links! Thanks Wesley! -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: x352 http://www.buffaloschips.com/72212.htm Yeah Right http://www.buffaloschips.com/72213.htm Your Side Of The family http://www.buffaloschips.com/72214.htm Lake Delton Break To WI River http://www.buffaloschips.com/72215.htm Baby Panda Sneeze http://www.buffaloschips.com/72216.htm McRonalds http://www.buffaloschips.com/2wds.htm My First Rescue http://www.buffaloschips.com/yh.htm Never Underestimate An Old Girl http://www.buffaloschips.com/67t.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================ >-->Quotes & Thunkers from Last Year: "A new government study has found that the average American car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years ago. However, this is only true if an average American is sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien "The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno "This year the hybrid cars all the rage. I don't really know what a hybrid car is. Part car, part robot. The car companies don't really understand what hybrids are supposed to be either. They don't know they are supposed to be eco-friendly. 'This Hybrid runs on gasoline and baby seals. It's for the new millennium.'" --Craig Ferguson "President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. I want to remind people that if they do travel to Cuba, don't forget to set your watch back 50 years." -Jay Leno "This whole pirate situation is getting out of control... two more attacks yesterday. Apparently, what they do is pull up to a ship, fire some shots to scare everyone off, then climb up the side, and then I guess they copy and distribute DVDs." -Jimmy Fallon When I was a kid I said I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. Everyone just laughed at me! After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had had it. "Why," she cried out in exasperation, "do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!" "I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know." -Mel Brooks >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Chrristian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************