Why Teachers Drink And More.. :) Shangy!
>Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList:
To Subscribe send a blank email to
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Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
adult club in the love and romance directory so
you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!
or Web Site:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html
Group email address:
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or email me here:
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
================
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================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press! :)
This super sizzler comes from not one, not two, but from three
of our friends - Linda, PatDeE, and Geniann! The photos of
these classic cars are so superb that I just had to do them up
to share with all of you! Check it out here...
. ..
__..---/______//-----. (( )
.".--.```| - /.--. =: ( VROOM! ))
(.: {} :__L______: {} :__; __--( __- -_= )
*--* *--* jnh
Detroit Steel!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/detroitsteel.html
---
...Wow! Blew me away! Thank You Linda, PatDeE and Geniann!
-<>-
I'm STILL on a mission now! I need to modernize the Animated
Gallery by consolidating categories that have 50 or more
animations in them into a single page.
I worked hard and completed yet another animation page!
____ ____
'###\ \ / /###'
,\\\\\ | /////,
__ \ .--. .--. / __
___\/ ' | ' \/___
-- _, ! | ! ,_ --
/ '! | !' \
/'/ ! | ! \'\
1# ! \ 0|0 / ! #1
!# \ '--; ;--' / #!
` `\ `-' /` `
\## `--~' '~--` ##/
`-___________-`
[Mash]
We now have a GARFIELD Page you can access off its main
Directory here:
Animated Gallery F-J
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_f-j.html
We have a DOGS page you can access like our CATS page,
DANCE page, BETTY BOOP page and DOLL page off of the main
Directory here:
Animated Gallery A-E
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs.html
NOTE: There are links to more great Graphic Sites after the above
directory listing.
We have a MOTHER'S DAY Page and a MICHAEL JACKSON page too!
You can access them off their index page here:
Animated Gallery K-O
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_k-o.html
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone: Mud Baths At The Spa
.-""""""-.
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor .' '.
tells him, "I have some very bad news / O O \
for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted : ` :
with a fatal and incurable disease." | |
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING : .------. :
I can do, doc?" \ ' ' /
'. .'
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and jgs '-......-'
start taking daily mud baths." The doctor
tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not....
But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
Writings on Hospital Charts
Actual writings on hospital charts ("Actual"? Mmmm...)
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared
The patient is tearful and crying constsntly. She also appears to be
depressed
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
1993
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful
The patient refused autopsy
The patient has no previous history of suicides
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
She is numb from her toes down
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home
The skin was moist and dry
Occasional,constant infrequent headaches
Patient was alert and unresponsive
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
May 13 is Leprechaun Day
May 14 is National Dance Like A Chicken Day
May 15 is National Chocolate Chip Day
May 16 is Wear Purple For Peace Day
May 17 is Pack Rat Day
May 18 is International Museum Day and Visit Your Relatives Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
(
) (
___...(-------)-....___
.-"" ) ( ""-.
.-'``'|-._ ) _.-|
/ .--.| `""---...........---""` |
/ / | |
| | | |
\ \ | |
`\ `\ | |
`\ `| |
_/ /\ /
(__/ \ /
_..---""` \ /`""---.._
.-' \ / '-.
: `-.__ __.-' :
: ) ""---...---"" ( :
'._ `"--...___...--"` _.'
jgs \""--..__ __..--""/
'._ """----.....______.....----""" _.'
`""--..,,_____ _____,,..--""`
`"""----"""`
>Cup of Coffee?
In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our
youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a
cup of coffee?"
"Yes please!" we said.
He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or
decapitated?"
-<>-
>Fishing with Mom
I took my mother on a fishing excursion yesterday. Nobody was having
any luck. After drifting for hours without so much as a nibble, who
should hook into one but my Mom. Everyone on the boat was excited,
cheering the old woman on and telling her to take her time.
Finally she lifted the fish into the boat, picked it up, removed the
hook, looked at it up and down, and then tossed it back into the water.
I was stunned. I said, "Mom, why did you throw that fish back into the
water?"
"I don't know. To me it just didn't look fresh."
-<>-
>Headlights On
As I pulled into the parking lot at the department store, I noticed a
car with its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license
number. Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk.
When the clerk reached me, I told her a white Ford in the parking lot
had its lights on and gave her the number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The lady next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That car belongs to me."
-<>-
>Marinate?
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had
served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she
loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a
question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I
would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
-<>-
>Oven Mitt
At day care, a four-year-old watched as a teacher pulled something hot
from the oven.
"What's that on your hand?" he asked.
"An oven mitt," she said. "It keeps me from getting burned. Doesn't
your mother use them?
"No, my mom's just really careful when she opens the pizza box."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
_____
__--~~~ ~~~--__
,/' m%%%%%%%=@%%m `\.
/' m%%%o(_)%%o%%o%%%o%%m `\
/' %%@=%o%%%%o%%%o%%(_)o%%%% `\
/' %%%o%%%%%=@%%%(_)%%o%%%o%@=%% `\
/ %(_)%%(_)%%%o%%%o%%%%=@(_)%%%o%%% \
/ @=%%%o%%%%o%%%(_)%%o%%o%%%%o%%%o%%% \
| %%o%%%%=@%%%o%%%%@=%(_)%%=@%%(_)%o%%% |
| %%%%(_)%%%%o%(_)o%%o%%%o%%%%o%%o%o@=%o% |
| %%o%o%%o%%%%o%%o%%o%%%%=@%o(_)%%o%o%%%% |
| %(_)%%%%(_)%=@%%%(_)o%%%o%%o%%@=%%(_)%% |
| %%o%(_)%%%%%o%%%%%%=@%%(_)%%o%%%o%%%%%% |
| %%o%%%%o%%%%(_)o%%%%o%o%%@=%(_)%%=@%% |
\ %@=%%o%(_)%%%%%o%(_)%%%o%%o%%o%%%%% /
\ %%(_)%%%=@%(_)%o%o%%(_)%o%(_)%@=% /
\. ~%%%o%%%%%o%o%=@%%o%%@=%%o%%o%% ,/
\. ~o%%(_)%%%%%o%(_)%%o%(_)o%% ,/
\_ ~%%o%=@%(_)%%o%%(_)%%~ ,/
`\__~~~o%%%%o%%%%%~ __/'
`~--.._____,,--~'
At day care, a 4-year-old watched as a teacher pulled something hot
from the oven.
"What's that on your hand?" he asked.
"An oven mitt," she said. "It keeps me from getting burned. Doesn't
your mother use them?
"No, my mom's just really careful when she opens the pizza box."
-<>-
Mother: "When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the
house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores
particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for
her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper."
Daughter: "Wow! What a cool idea! Why don't you ever do that with me?"
Mother: "But my dear...I do."
-<>-
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the
card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week
later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things
had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
-<>-
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like a little brother," the boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a
little brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
-<>-
Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing
cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She
slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor
ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and
said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest
all day."
---
...TeeHee! Good ones! Thanks Geniann!
===========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)
, ,
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|~~~| | |
|===| |/|
| B |/| |
| I | | |
| B | | |
| L | /
| E | /
|===|/
jgs '---'
>Top Sayings of Biblical Mothers
- "Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. YYou don't know where it's
been!" (Judges 14:5-8)
- "David! I told you not to play in the housse with that sling! Go
practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!"
- "Abraham! Stop wandering around the countrryside and get home for
supper!"
- "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave thoose clothes outside, you
smell like a dirty ol' furnace!"
- "Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!"
- "Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told youu, don't bring home any more
strays!"
- "Gideon! Have you been hiding in that winee press again? Look at your
clothes!" (Judges 6:11)
- "James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table,
please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!" (Mark 3:17)
- "Judas! Have you been in my purse again?"
---
...HaHa! Thanks LouiseA!
-<>-
..::''''::..
.:::. .;'' ``;.
.... ::::: :: :: :: ::
,;' .;: () ..: `:::' :: :: :: ::
::. ..:,:;.,:;. . :: .::::. `:' :: .:' :: :: `:. ::
'''::, :: :: :: `:: :: ;: .:: : :: : : ::
,:'; ::; :: :: :: :: :: ::,::''. . :: `:. .:' ::
`:,,,,;;' ,;; ,;;, ;;, ,;;, ,;;, `:,,,,:' :;: `;..``::::''..;'
``::,,,,::''
One night, this person is invited out for a night with the people at
his office. Most everybody was single. He promised his live-in
girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed
and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30
a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud
of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his
drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a
possible conflict.
The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he
replied, "Twelve." She did not seem disturbed at all, which made the
guy feel even better.
She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. "Why is that?"
he asked.
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap,"
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
------------
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Steve
came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Merc, I ain't got no
crayons."
"Steve," Miss Merc said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You
don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any
crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Steve said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
------------
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart," said the
newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.
------------
Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first
family planning lesson at school. Very interested, her mother asks,
"How did it go?" "I died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the
road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can
buy babies at the orphanage. And Pete in my class says you can buy
babies at the hospital." Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no
reason to be ashamed." "Yes it is! I can't tell them that we were so
poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
------------
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun to launch dead chickens. It is
used to shoot dead poultry at the windshields of airline jets, military
jets, and the space shuttle, at each vehicle's maximum traveling
velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are
strong enough to withstand the impact. British engineers, upon hearing
of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their
new high-speed trains. The gun was sent to England, and the test was
arranged. When the chicken was fired, however, the Brit engineers
watched in shock as the bird shattered the windshield, smashed through
the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Seeking advice, the
horrified engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with
blueprints of the windshield, and a detailed account of testing
procedures. The NASA scientists sent back a one-sentence response:
"Thaw the chicken."
------------
My father said, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I
said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a idiot?"
------------
This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the
cobwebs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on
the kitchen counter. I wish to announce to any of those interested
that I shall now be heartworm-free for the next 30 days! And my dog is
the stud of the neighborhood!
------------
Shelly was complaining about her husband to her friend Kelly again.
"Surely," said Kelly, "there must be something the two of you have in
common?" Shelly replies, "Well, come to think of it, yes, we got
married on the same day."
------------
In my next life, I wanna be a female bear.
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for
six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them, too.
And I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS
that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...I wanna be a bear.
-<>-
>Poor Choice of Words on Signs:
Service Station:
Eat Here and Get Gas.
Office:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Used Cars Lot:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Auto Repair Shop: Free pickup and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Department Store:
Semiannual After-Christmas Sale.
Service Station:
Diesel Fried Chicken.
Restaurant:
Customers who find our staff rude should see the manager.
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
Music Store:
"Bach in a minuet."
Maternity Clothes Shop:
"We are open on labor day."
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
In a counselor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Podiatrist's Window:
"Time wounds all heels."
Computer Store:
"Back in 10 minutes - out for a quick byte."
---
...LMAO! Great Classics! Thanks LouiseA!
=============================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
{Politics\
>From Our Friend JoeL :)
[New post] Benghazi: Gun running, the scrubbed talking points & more
whistleblowers (video) - edfleur@gmail.com - Gmail
https://mail.google.com/mail/?tab=wm#inbox/13e9df2212c350b8
Fantastic opening statement by Judge Jeanine Pirro on the Benghazi
whistleblowers » The Right Scoop -
http://www.therightscoop.com/fantastic-opening-statement-by-judge-
jeanine-pirro-on-the-benghazi-whistleblowers/?utm_source=
feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheRightScoop+
%28The+Right+Scoop%29
---
...Interesting! Thanks JoeL!
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
From the country that brought you kidnapping as a mainstream
commercial industry and cocaine-smuggling nuns comes a bizarre
and miraculous story of a man who accidentally shot his wife
in the face with a spear gun. Accidentally being the important
word here...because what man has ever wanted to shoot his wife
in the face with a spear gun?
The story is miraculous because the 28-year-old woman actually
survived!
The Rio de Janeiro State Health Department said in a statement
that the woman's husband was cleaning his spear gun when it
went off (who hasn't that happened to?), firing a harpoon that
hit her cervical spine.
Elisangela Borborema Rosa was rushed to the hospital and
underwent emergency surgery. The police statement quotes
neurosurgeon Allan da Costa as saying that the harpoon came
within 1 centimeter of killing the woman. He said he expects
a full recovery.
A police officer said by telephone that officials are looking
into the case.
"Everything indicates it was an accident, but we are investi-
gating. We don't think the husband tried to kill her," said
the officer. "But once she fully recovers we will be able to
question her and get a clearer picture of what happened."
Let's hope nothing happens to her before then!
-----
This is exactly how a zombie movie would start. A man has
been sentenced to prison for attacking two women on a
northeastern Pennsylvania sidewalk while bloody and naked,
and gnawing on the head of one of them.
A Scranton newspaper reports a judge sentenced 21-year-old
Richard Cimino Jr. to between 90 days and nearly two years
in prison for the attack. He had pleaded guilty to simple
assault and other charges.
Cimino told Wayne County Judge Raymond Hill he was sorry.
He was under the influence of a hallucinogenic drug at the
time.
Investigators say Cimino had stripped naked and broke into
an empty home in September, because that is what you do when
a space virus reanimates your corpse, then was badly hurt
jumping from a window. Authorities say he attacked the women
walking down the street, gnawing on the head of one. Both
escaped.
*-- Cemetery rejects profane gravestone inscription --*
LYNN, Mass. - Commissioners of a Massachusetts cemetery
said they rejected a proposed grave stone inscription due
to the inclusion of profanity. The Pine Grove Cemetery
commission in Lynn voted 6-0 to bar Sonny Santiago's
family from inscribing his grave stone with lines of
verse he wrote that include profanity, The Daily Item,
Lynn, reported Thursday. Santiago died in a motor vehicle
crash Feb. 23 at the age of 23. "You gonna remember the
damn name, I give a [expletive] if I die with no damn
friends, I got my fam by my side and that's until the
end," the proposed inscription reads. The family said
they have submitted an alternate poem by Santiago for
the grave stone and commissioners did not raise any
objections to the profanity-free verse.
*-- Spanish official criticizes luxury prison plans --*
MADRID - The Spanish interior minister questioned plans
for a luxurious prison with flat screen TVs in every
cell and an indoor pool. Interior Minister Jorge Fernandez
Diaz addressed the country's congress Wednesday and
questioned the plans for the luxurious San Sebastian
Penitentiary in the Basque region, The Local.es reported
Thursday. "It's unreasonable," he said. "The project must
implement services that help to re-educate and reinsert
interns into society." The official said the project will
soon be completed at a cost of $11 million. Joseba
Agirretxea, a lawmaker from the Basque National Party,
criticized plans to slash the planned prison's budget
from $148 million to $91.7 million.
*-- Woman, 94, heads for 67th annual bowling tournament --*
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. - A 94-year-old Florida woman said she
is heading to Nevada this month for her 67th consecutive
United States Bowling Congress Women's Championships
tournament. Mini Tvaska of St. Petersburg, who holds the
record for consecutive participation in the tournament,
said she will participate in this year's May 21 event in
Reno despite most of her vision being taken by macular
degeneration, the Tampa Bay (Fla.) Times reported Monday.
Tvaska said she throws her first ball without assistance,
but then needs to be told which pins are still standing so
she can attempt to aim her second throw.] She said she was
initially frustrated when losing her sight. "It was but
now I'm grateful for what I can see. I do the best I can,"
she said. Matt Cannizzaro, media relations manager for the
USBC Open and Women's Championships, said officials are
proud to have Tvaska as an annual competitor. "Mini has
displayed admirable dedication to the sport of bowling,
and we're glad to have her as a representative," he said.
"She lights up the event as soon as she walks in."
*-- Police: Man tried to steal Zamboni --*
OKLAHOMA CITY - Police in Oklahoma said they arrested a
man accused of trying to steal a Zamboni from a convention
center. Oklahoma City police said Spencer Holt, 24,
attempted to take the Zamboni from the Cox Convention
Center but was unable to get the mammoth ice-smoothing
vehicle out of the building, KWTV, Oklahoma City, reported
Monday. Security guards were able to subdue Spencer, who
police said was intoxicated. The charges against Holt
include destruction of private property and public
drunkenness.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Bunni :)
/~~~~~~~~/|
/ /######/ / |
/ /______/ / |
============ /||
|__________|/ ||
|\__,,__/ ||
| __,,__ ||
|_\====/%____|| Joe Jacques
| /~~~~\ % / |
_|/ \%_/ |
| | | | /
|__\______/__|/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>10 New Uses for Coffee Filters
About 100 years ago, a German housewife named Melitta Bentz punctured
the bottom of a brass pot, lined it with blotting paper,
and?voilà!?made the first coffee filter. Almost a century later, a
perfected version of Bentz’s design is still used. “Coffee filters
aren’t as likely to crumple or dissolve in water as typical paper
because they have better ‘wet strength,’ thanks to longer fibers,” says
Melinda McDonald, communications manager for Bunn, a beverage-equipment
manufacturer. “Additionally, the fluted sides and cupcake shape allow
substances to flow through the filter freely and prevent grains from
flowing over the sides.”
Use Coffee Filters to:
1. Diffuse the flash on a camera. When you’re taking a close-up, soften
the brightness by placing a coffee filter over the flash.
2. Strain wine from a bottle with a broken cork. Place the filter over
a pitcher or a carafe and slowly pour the wine into it.
3. Serve popcorn or other snacks. The filters act as disposable bowls,
so there’s no dishwashing.
4. Make yogurt dip. Use a rubber band to secure a paper coffee filter
over the mouth of a deep cup or jar. Slowly pour 8 ounces of plain
yogurt onto the filter. Let drain for one hour. In a bowl, mix the
thickened yogurt with 1 small minced garlic clove, 1 tablespoon chopped
fresh parsley, and salt and pepper to taste. Serve with crackers.
5. Heat up leftovers in the microwave. Use a filter as the protective
covering over a bowl or a plate.
6. Prevent soil from draining out of flowerpots. When repotting, place
a filter at the bottom, over the drainage hole, then add the soil.
7. Prevent scuffs and scratches on fine China. Use flattened coffee
filters as spacers when you stack your dishes.
8. Protect hands from Popsicle drippage. Slide the wooden stick of an
ice pop through a coffee filter so your hands stay mess-free.
9. Serve pita sandwiches. A circular filter is the perfect size for
carrying a sandwich on the go.
10. Clean windows and glass when you’re out of paper towels. Coffee
filters leave no lint or other residue.
---
...Cool Info! Thanks Bunni!
======================================================
>-->From Our Friend Linda :)
>Why Teachers DRINK
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jgs /=|=\
(_/T\_)
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well
endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity.
Q. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A. A, E, I,O,U..
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
---
...LOL! Thanks Linda!
-<>-
>NINE MONTHS LATER
.
L\ .-""-.
|\_ / (--> \
\ \'--.)_>_=/_(
\ )`-._/|_,( _.
|_\ (_ ( \ /.-
.' `\ ) \_/\ \.'/
_.','\ _/\ ( '._/
/_/` \ /
jgs '-..-']
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
'Don't worry,' Jack said.'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared,and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name in stead of telling her your
name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy,
I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know
you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!
---
...TeeHee! Thanks Linda!
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
| /
\ |
\_|
__ /` ;
`' \ `\_/ _
'-/ \/ '._
/'-./| |.--. `
_/ _.-\/--. |
` | /`-. \ '-.
| | | \
jgs / | / `-.
-' \__/
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When
he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the
ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision,
he grabbed a hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much
distance vertically as he did horizontally, which both amused
and delighted me.
And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an
"epiphany"; a moment of heightened awareness in which every-
thing becomes crystal clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly
knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.
-<>-
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told
when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me,
and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final
arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack"
-<>-
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's
door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its
decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and
gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics,
the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch
money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said
anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was
sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear
your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've
made a mistake.
And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought
they'd see you."
-<>-
At the end of the college year, a star football player
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a
late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became
captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a
conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said.
"What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about
27 in the city and 38 on the highway.
-<>-
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated
the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we
had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about
meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening
when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned
over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing
in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
-<>-
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her
when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering
if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked
her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side
of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
-<>-
When my sister's husband died, she went to the bank to
put his affairs in order. The young clerk looked up their
joint account and then asked, "Which of you is deceased?"
-<>-
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me
flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy
Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled
with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It
read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
-<>-
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to
attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his
car-pool members to let them know that he would not be
leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it
on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without
me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this
note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You
drove, you idiot."
-<>-
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger
who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.
"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he
sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and
family; I was a respected member of the community. But all
that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost
the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My
wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they?
Some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the
morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse.
Doctor - it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist
said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you
first become aware of this condition?"
"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"
=========================================================
>-->From The Mouth:
.-""-.--.
( Who.. )
( Me? )
'--'--'
()
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C _)
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<___Y>
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/ | :|\
|___| :|/\
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\ \ :| \ \_
\ \==L| \\\
///` ||
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[___]]
jgs (____))
-------------- Top Ten Signs You're Paranoidd --------------
10. You run away upon seeing a mall directory that says,
"You are here."
9. Thirty five locks on your sock drawer just aren't
enough.
8. You hire a private eye to keep an eye out on your
house, but then fire him because he's part of the
conspiracy.
7. Before you take the garbage cans back from the street,
you check them for really short Mafia hit men.
6. You are learning six foreign languages because you just
know those people you don't understand are talking about
YOU.
5. You even wonder if the guard dog you hired is secretly
plotting against you.
4. You have a funny feeling the voices in your head are
plotting behind your back.
3. It takes you three hours each evening to program the
household alarms and video surveillance system before you
can go to bed.
2. You're checking off each number on this list as you
read.
1. The Witness Relocation Program has told you to stop
showing up unless you have an actual reason to.
-<>-
_________________
/ _ /|
/ / / ####### //
/ /_/ ####### // KDDR
/ ______________ //
==============='
>------------ How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale ------------
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as
well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast,
because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost
overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses.
In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget
the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because
they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale
lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've
weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at
least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the
scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then hold-
ing onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your
other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly,
this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at
least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
-<>-
/"""""/""""""".
/ / \ __
/ / \ ||
/____ / \ ||
| | In Loving | ||
| | Memory | ||
| | | ||
| | 3/4/25-2/9/98 | ||
| | * * * * | _||_
| | *\/* *\/* | | TT |
| | *_\_ / ...""""""| || |.""...."""""""".""
| | \/.."""""..."""\ || /.""".......""""...
| |...."""""""........""""""^^^^"......."""""""".."
|......"""""""""""""""........"""""...."""""..""-Ray W.
>10 Things You Never Want to Hear at a Funeral Eulogy
1. She died as she lived: oddly dressed and smelling
vaguely of turpentine.
2. Death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically,
the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness.
3. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also
touched several of our children.
4. There's no getting around it: Bob was a big, fat,
sweaty pig of a man, which means that now, there's more
pie for the rest of us. Dig in!
5. His spirit will be with us always. And by spirit, I
mean overwhelming credit card debt.
6. I still can't get over that he's gone. I also can't
get over that I totally survived that same car accident!
Can you believe it? I should have had my head cracked
off like what's-his-name here.
7. Steve wasn't unhappy about life. He was just super
excited to die!
8. It's always sad when God calls a fellow home. But in
the case of Larry here, I'm not so sad. Nice guy, drunk
too much, whatever. So to Larry - nice knowing you, see
you later.
9. I'll never forget the last time I saw him. He was
all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all,
"You're on!"
10. I never had Tabatha. But I wanted to and goodness
knows I tried. Even now, in death, I'd have to say I
still wouldn't kick her out of my bed.
-<>-
___
)_( _
| | [_ ]
.-'-'-. _ .-'. '-.
/-::_..-\ _[_]_ /:;/ _.-'\
)_ _( /_ _\ [-] |:._ .-|
|;:: | )_``'_( .-'-'-. (-) |:._ |
|;:: | |;: | :-...-: .-'-'-. |:._ |
|;:: | |;: | |;: | |-...-| |:._ |
|;::-.._| |;:.._| |;:.._| |;:.._| |:._ |
`-.._..-' `-...-' `-...-' `-...-' `-.____.-' cjr
>------------------ Stupid Safety Labels ------------------
-->No, no, these are safe, I've seen birds eeat them all
the time.
-->Watch, I'll prove it!
-->Blast off!
-->Nah, they're blanks.
-->Speaking of lost, where are we?
-->Wheeeeeeeeee!
-->I know this great shortcut we can take.
-->Is that what I think it is?
-->What? Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinnkable.
-->For God's sake, Kris, it was just a cheessecake
-->No, no, no, let me fix it!
-->"Hmm, Russia looks like a safe bet!" - Hiitler
-->"Bet you can't do this."
-->"I can't believe no one has ever thought of this
before."
-->"Oh, I'm sick of sitting round in the Whiite House -
fancy seeing a play?" - Abraham Lincoln
-->"Trust me, I'm on your side."
-->"I swear I shut the door when I left"
-->"That's funny, I remember seeing the samee guy on
Americas Most Wanted"
-->"Lightning never hits the same spot twicee"
-->"We're home free"
-->"That's odd!"
"Hey ya'll, watch this!"
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
World's Largest Web!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/web.html
Ocean Exploration!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ocean.html
Shangy's Dance Page!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sdp.html
Amazing Cop Cars 2
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/copcars2.html
Real Drug Raid!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/drugraid.html
Real Weed Bust!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/weedbust.html
Amazing Street-Legal Airplane!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/transition.html
Amazing Gibraltar Airport!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/airroad.html
Weird Rainy Days!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rainyday.html
Gasoline Price Humor!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gasoline.html
Life's Little Oops 7
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops7.html
Let's Dance!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dance.html
Wall Mural Art 3
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wallart3.html
Bear Rescue!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bearrescue.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend Geniann :)
This is definitely cool!
She sent us one we have here...
Chevy Selling It!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/chevysi.html
---
...Yeppers! I love this one! Thanks Genianne!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Melody :)
Newseum | Today's Front Pages | Gallery View
http://www.newseum.com/todaysfrontpages/
Toren van beren
http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier
Singing Horses
http://www.dennyweb.com/singing_horses.htm
---
...HaHa! Excelent Links! Thanks Melody!
-<>-
>From our friend Linda :)
Five years ago, a 5-year-old gorilla named Kwibi was released by
conservationists in England. Now, the man who raised Kwibi heads into
the African bush to find him. This is a touching reunion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=FZ-bJFVJ2P0
---
...Aww, so sweet! Thanks Linda!
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseA :)
A heartwarming story especially if you are from Texas
If you haven’t seen it yet, do. If you have, worth a rerun!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2BfzUIBy9A&feature=player_detailpage
Another beautiful love story about a man and his faithful dog!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=-yM5b2LEg_w
This shelter dog was struck by a car and broke her spine. Her spirit
was also wounded. Surgery repaired her back, but the only cure for her
heart was love! Tissues: mandatory!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7SKnTHit4M&feature=player_detailpage
---
...Awww, so Heartwarming! Thanks LouiseA!
=========================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five
mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky
"Fans of Elton John were shocked when at a recent concert
he said the "F word" 15 times in under one minute. Fans
say that was just what 'Candle In The Wind' needed."
--Conan O'Brien
"David Beckham was I think one of the first described as
'metrosexual.' The first time I heard word metrosexual, I
thought it meant guys who have sex in subway. I spent years
riding the subway, hoping." --Craig Ferguson
"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno
"How about this? In 1861, the first elevator was introduced
here in New York City. First elevator ever in New York City,
or, as we call them now, restrooms. And it took them ten
more years to develop the 'ding.'" --Dave Letterman
"Last week gas prices dropped 10 percent while the price of
a gallon of gas rose 2 percent. How does that work? See,
it's all supply and demand — the oil companies have the
supply and they demand all our money." --Jay Leno
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN
HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Chriistian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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A Recipe
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