Wildlife Refuge, Houseleek And More... :) Shangy!
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================
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"We are each of us angels with but one wing,
and can only fly by embracing each other"
-Luciano Decrescenzo
~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~
*~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~*
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================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press
This flaming hot new page is from our friend Linda. It
is sure to give you plenty of eye candy for your day. Take
a relaxing moment and check it out here...
,
/(
((|)
\(
i^i
+| | + +
+ + | |& + + +
+ &| |&& + +
+ &&|_|&& @@@@@ + +
+ &||| @@@@@@ $$$ + +
+ ||| @@@@@ $$$$$$ +
+ +|||+ @@ $$$$$$ +
+ + ||| + $$$$$ ***** +
+ + ||| + $$ ******** +
+ + ||| + ******** +
+ + |||+ ******* +
+ + + + + + +`+ ** #### +
+ ######## +
+ ########## +
|| + ######### +
/||\ /\ + #### +
/ || | __\ \ + +__
/ || || \\ \ + +/ \
/ | || || _\\ \ + +| /
/ /| || || | \ \/+ +| /\/
/ / | || || \ \ /+ +|| |
/ / | || || _\ / \ + + _|| |
/ /__ | || || |_ / /\ \ + + +| |_ | | ad.
/ || || || \/ / \ \ | + + + + + || \| |
/______||_||_||____\/ \ \ |_______+ + + + + + + +| ||_||____\_|
God's Paintings 3
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gpaints3.html
---
...Most Beautiful! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
A man goes to see his bank manager one day and says: "I'd like to
start a small business. How do I go about it?"
"That's simple," replies the bank manager. "All you have to do is
buy a big one and wait."
-<>-
/ / /
.--. / / / /
/ \ / / /
| /a / / / / /
\ |/ / / / .-. /
) | / / / / __) /
/ `. .--. / / / \| @( /
| \ \ / // / / / / / .' \-/ /
|\ \_|_\__ / -' / / / / | \' /
| \___/)--) / / / / / \ \ /
| | \ \ .-' / / / / \/)
| | \.-' \ / (____\ /U\
_.---------'| `------._____________________/ \ \\__)-------.__
-- '`--`
VK
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of
coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency
has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your
cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole says, "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of
coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4
inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the
streets."
Again, Ole says, "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9
inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the ..."
Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the
instructions.
He turns to Lena and says, "Jeez, what am I going to do now,
Lena?"
Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you just leave the car in the
garage today?"
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
December 9 is Christmas Card Day and National Pastry Day
December 10 is Human Rights Day
December 11 isNational Noodle Ring Day
December 12 is Gingerbread House Day, National Ding-a-Ling Day
and Poinsettia Day
December 13 is Ice Cream Day and Violin Day
December 14 is International Monkey Day, National Bouillabaisse
Day, Roast Chestnuts Day and U.K. National Postal Worker Day
December 15 i Bill of Rights Day and National Lemon Cupcake Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
_________________________________________________________
||-------------------------------------------------------||
||.--. .-._ .----. ||
|||==|____| |H|___ .---.___|""""|_____.--.___ ||
||| |====| | |xxx|_ |+++|=-=|_ _|-=+=-|==|---|||
|||==| | | | | \ | | |_\/_|Black| | ^ |||
||| | | | | |\ \ .--. | |=-=|_/\_|-=+=-| | ^ |||
||| | | | | |_\ \_( oo )| | | |Magus| | ^ |||
|||==|====| |H|xxx| \ \ |''| |+++|=-=|""""|-=+=-|==|---|||
||`--^----'-^-^---' `-' "" '---^---^----^-----^--^---^||
||-------------------------------------------------------||
||-------------------------------------------------------||
|| ___ .-.__.-----. .---.||
|| |===| .---. __ .---| |XX|<(*)>|_|^^^|||
|| , /(| |_|III|__|''|__|:x:|=| | |=| Q |||
|| _a'{ / (|===|+| |++| |==| | | |Illum| | R |||
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||_____ -\{___(| |-| | | | | | | | | | Z |||
|| _(____)|===|+|[I]|DK|''|==|:x:|=|XX|<(*)>|=|^^^|||
|| `---^-^---^--^--'--^---^-^--^-----^-^---^||
||-------------------------------------------------------||
||_______________________________________________________||
Qryz
>Storytime Memento
We often have daycare groups come to visit our library for storytime.
After reading one such group a story, I gave each of the children a
bookmark as a memento of their visit.
But one little boy, who was more used to technological gadgets than
old- fashioned tools, wondered how to use his bookmark. So I
demonstrated how to place it between two pages, then closed the book.
"When you start reading again, voila!" I said, holding the book as it
opened to my bookmarked page.
"Wow!" he said. "That's cool!"
-<>-
>During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student,
who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before
she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were
holding onto your side."
"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was
pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."
"Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved.
"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."
-<>-
>Missing Newspaper
The irate customer, calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to
know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am," said the employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is
not delivered until Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a
ray of recognition.
"So that's why no one was in church today."
-<>-
>Wildlife Refuge
Driving in Ohio, we spotted a sign that read, "Wildlife Refuge."
Seeing a dead deer lying in front of it, my husband shook his head.
"He almost made it."
-<>-
>Adult Time
While driving her son Mikey home from his basketball game, the
youngster said, "Mommy, I know what you and Daddy do after me and my
brother go to bed."
Although Mom was a bit concerned with where the conversation was
heading, she asked him, "What do we do?"
Mikey replied, "You guys watch T.V. and eat ice cream and don't share
with us!"
-<>-
>How'd You Do That?
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight
fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The
ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road,
where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the
fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did
you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus
schedule."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu
/\/\
)) (O\
_.... _ _ ((( \
((( '-\\____)|_.-((( (_ \
))) JRO \ / / \o(/
(((\ / \ / ( /
))) | /_ \ //
((( / / "-..___.-"| |
\ ( \ )
\ \ / |
\_\ |_|
/_\ /_\
>SMILES
A couple from the city went to a Dude Ranch while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or
English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll
run into too much traffic."
----------
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.
"My mother looked back once while she was driving," contributed little
Johnny, "and she turned into a telephone pole."
----------
A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with
his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's, "papa, you do many
many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this one to
point yak what ever you want You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for
turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you
get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And
the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta
married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's
wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and
groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I
want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose
with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from
the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle
finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad
hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that
happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love
again, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her
head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!"
----------
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row
of empty shopping trollies when the trolley-girl standing there
called after him, "Excuse me, did you want a trolley?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."
----------
A backwoodsman was making his first visit to a city hospital where
his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's
every move, he asked, 'What's that?' The doctor explained, 'This is
an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing.' 'Save your
time, Doc,' exclaimed the man. 'He don't know nothing now.'
-------
I went to the airport. I had three pieces of luggage. I said that I
wanted one piece to go to Cleveland, one piece to Toronto, and one
piece to Florida.
The airline agent said, "We can't do that."
I replied, "Oh really? Well, you did it last week..."
----------
_...._
.` `.
/ *** \ The Crystal Ball
: ** : says.........
: : You don't really
\ / believe in fortunes,
`-.,,,,.-' do you?
_( )_
) (
( )
`-......-`lc
A woman goes to the local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly
departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her
voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she
begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you
there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes, granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment and says, "Grandmother, I have just one
question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
----------
dWWb | |~|
MM & | '.'
qp -' | (
.,______ | ( ,.
|(____|.\ | ( -."& |
| \ | | __)____\ )/-'\ |
| | | |\._______|_(X___| '.-' ./' |
(_./ | _|____|____|_______.-' .-'/ |
| | ||___________|________.-' \ |
| |\ |______|______ |_____.-'--'
| | | O---/_______|____o-/______ |
|_| | -_-.##_______|_____##____g3_#.-_-
|__\_\ (_) O--O--O (_)
What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged
man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take
a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to the top of the
highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.
I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so
quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third
time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better
view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the
visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"
----------
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand
that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was
painting a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.
It declared, "Local Honey Dates Nuts."
----------
Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama.
They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the
final they had a solid "A".
They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went
to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they
overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until
early Monday morning, the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after
the final to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for
the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and
couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back
to campus.
The professor told them they could make up the final on the following
day. They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor
placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and
told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about
Molarity& Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be
easy."
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: "Which tire?"
----
...TeeHee! Good ones! Thank LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
_
/_\
.'-'.
.' '.
'_________'
( )
|.---------.|
|: Blinker :|
|: Fluid :|
|'---------'|
(___________)LGB
Sometimes I make the effort to change my own oil, but it's
a project, especially in colder weather. When I'm feeling
particularly lazy I'll spend the 40 bucks to have it done
at a quick oil change place like I did last month. But that
brings perils of its own. The technician didn't screw the
oil plug in tight enough and the next morning I found a
little pool of oil on my garage floor. So how to clean it
up?
Remove oil drippings from concrete by placing several
newspapers over the oil stain. Soak with water and allow
to dry.
Or if you have saw dust sprinkle it to absorb the oil stain.
Spread sand over the oil spill. Sweep up when the sand has
absorbed the oil. Kitty litter works just as well!
For stubborn oil stains on pavement, soak the area in
mineral spirits and scrub vigorously. Soak up moisture
with newspaper and allow to dry. Wash with a mixture of
detergent, bleach and water.
-<>-
Plumbing is one of those projects that can get really
expensive. If you have a major problem it is best to
call a professional unless you want an even more
expensive problem after trying to do a repair you are
not experienced to handle. But there are plenty of small
projects you can take care of yourself without the expense
of a professional plumber. For example:
Nobody likes a drip!
Solve a dripping faucet with a few easy steps:
1. Turn off water under the sink or at the source.
2. Open faucet to drain any remaining water.
3. Unscrew faucet handle.
4. Unscrew nut that holds faucet stem in place with an
adjustable wrench.
5. Pull out faucet stem.
6. Remove screw at bottom which holds washer.
7. Remove washer and replace with same size new washer.
8. Repeat above steps in reverse order.
Note: When buying a replacement washer, buy 2 or 3 extra
and tie them with a twist tie to your shutoff valve beneath
the faucet. Next time you'll have the right size on hand.
* When your toilet won't stop running.
Check the tank float by first removing the lid and simply
lifting the float. If it stops the water, bend the rod
connected to the float down slightly. Also check for a
leak in the float. Unscrew it from the rod and shake. Replace
if there is water inside.
-<>-
>'Go Green' Hints:
Change out your motor oil to a synthetic type.
Synthetic motor oil lasts longer, and as it doesn't
require additional petroleum, the result is one less bit
of oil that needs to be drilled from the ocean floor. It
doesn't use the same chemicals that break down in higher
temperatures that petroleum-based oils do, meaning that
those chemicals will not then be released. Many synthetic
oils have energy-conserving compounds, and have been
labeled as such by the American Petroleum Institute.
-<>-
>Take Green Cleaning into Your Own Hands
Doing it yourself is a great way to insure that you're going as green
as possible, since you know exactly what went in to the products
you're using. A few reliable favorites: Spray surfaces that need
cleaning--sinks, tubs, and toilets, for example--with diluted vinegar
or lemon juice, let it sit for 10 minutes or so and give it a scrub.
Your mineral stains will all but disappear.
Getting lime scale or mold on your showerhead? Soak it in white
vinegar (hotter is better) for an hour before rinsing it clean. And
to create a great tub scrub, mix baking soda, castile soap (soap made
only from vegetable oils) and a few drops of your favorite essential
oil--careful, a little bit goes a long way!
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
President Trump is such a blessing! Here's More of his remarks:
At the National Tree Lighting, Trump Hails a Different Symbol – the
Cross, ‘a Powerful Reminder of the Meaning of Christmas’
The President went on to recount the story of Jesus’s birth:
“More than two thousand years ago, a brilliant star shown in the east.
Wise men traveled far, and they came and they stood under the star
where they found the Holy Family, in Bethlehem. As the Bible tells us,
when the wise men had come into the house, they saw the young child
with Mary His mother, and fell down and worshiped Him.”
The Leader of the Free World noted Christ’s lesson of love:
“Christians give thanks that the Son of God came into the world to save
humanity. Jesus Christ inspires us to love one another with hearts full
of generosity and grace.”
Trump spread the joy — of gratitude and the wonder of the season:
“At Christmas, we remember this eternal truth: Every person is a beloved
child of God. As one grateful nation, we praise the joy of family, the
blessings of freedom, and the miracle of Christmas.”
Now that’s a presidential message.
“On behalf of Melania and our entire family,” he said, “Merry
Christmas, and God bless you all.”
https://tinyurl.com/txsmnc4
Man paints giant America flag on his lawn to honor President Trump,
military, and law enforcement
https://tinyurl.com/roa55vg
Jobs Growth Soars in November as Payrolls Surge by 266,000
-CNBC
https://tinyurl.com/ukr9amw
The FISA Report Is Finally Coming. Here’s What To Know About It
https://tinyurl.com/uyh3qgp
Elizabeth Warren’s Big Money Back Door
https://tinyurl.com/twg86o3
The Supreme Court Temporarily Blocked Trump’s Bid To Restart
Federal Executions
https://tinyurl.com/ul3pwlz
Liberal Bullies Threaten Conservative College Group
https://tinyurl.com/yxyyjumc
Westwing News: No Wonder Democrats Are Doing Their Best to Ensure
That All the Headlines Are About Impeachment’
https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/
WhiteHouseNews:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert: Fruit, Sandwiches, Pet Food
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
Sure, it can be hard to get kids to quiet down. Snacks,
games and TV only get you so far. Some parents take more
extreme measures like bribes, therapy, even medication.
And then there's this guy.
Washington resident Allen W. Bittner is being charged with
assault in the second degree for allegedly using chloroform
on his 13-year old stepdaughter.
According to a Black Diamond Police, officers were called
to a Black Diamond home due to a report of an unresponsive
minor. Officers arrived around 3 p.m. and met with Bittner,
who was upstairs trying to resuscitate the girl.
According to officers, Bittner said he was attempting to
give the girl a "breathing treatment" when she lost
consciousness. Bittner said he did not know what the
chemicals he gave her were, he told officers he received
the chemical from a work friend.
Meanwhile, the girl was taken to Seattle Children's
Hospital where she was placed in pediatric intensive care
on a breathing tube.
After the child was taken to the hospital, officers found
an unlabeled bottle with a rag soaked in chemicals, and
sent them off to be analyzed. Six days later, the
Washington State Patrol Crime Lab confirmed the liquid
used was chloroform and acetone.
After a search warrant was obtained for Bittner's cellphone
and laptop, it appeared he was searching how to make his
own chloroform and the effects it can have on people just
a week prior to administering the chemical to his step-
daughter.
Bittner was arrested and booked.
The child has recovered enough since the incident to be
able to speak to police.
-<>-
There's gross and then there's disgusting. And then there's
what this guy did. A veteran Los Angeles police officer and
his partner responded to a call about a possible dead woman
in a residential unit. After the two officers determined
the woman was dead, one officer returned to the patrol car.
Once the second officer was alone with the body he got an
idea, an idea that he thought it would be a good idea if he
turned off his body-camera for.
The unnamed officer is now under investigation after his
body-worn camera captured him allegedly fondling the dead
woman's breasts. The officer, who is assigned to downtown's
Central Division, was placed on leave once supervisors
reviewed the footage during a random inspection, LAPD
officials said.
Although the officer deactivated the camera, a two-minute
buffer on the device captured the incident. The department
is also investigating the officer's work history.
Last month, The Times reported that the LAPD would start
reviewing random recordings to make sure officers are
following guidelines when dealing with the public.
Apparently some of them are not.
The inspections will allow supervisors to determine whether
some officers need additional training or counseling to
prevent instances of biased policing.
"We immediately launched an administrative investigation
once we learned about the incident," chief spokesman Josh
Rubenstein said, "and we assigned the officer to home."
He declined to comment further.
*--- Catfish allegedly used as weapon ---*
Texas police are still investigating to see if they can
hook anyone with charges after an alleged fish-slapping
incident. During the incident in Lufkin, a woman
supposedly slapped her sister-in-law in the face face
with a catfish. Officers from the Lufkin Police Department
responded after receiving a call about a domestic
disturbance. "The argument allegedly started because a
female put a catfish in her sister-in-law's face," Sgt.
Mike Shurley said. "An argument then ensued between the
woman and her brother, which turned physical. According
to the brother, his sister slapped his wife in the face
with the fish, and he told her to leave, and eventually
she did." According to Shurley, the woman told police
that her brother had been beating his wife, a claim that
he denied. The man at the scene was arrested on an out-
standing warrant. No other arrests were made and no charges
have been filed involving the catfish at this time.
*-- Man on meth allegedly uses bottom cheeks to fire gun --*
A Colorado man who was accused of smoking methamphetamine
is now facing attempted murder charges after he was
allegedly able to squeeze off two shots at Denver police
officers from a gun he had hidden in his bottom. Isaac Vigil
was being brought to the police station after DPD officers
repeatedly searched him when he somehow managed to open
fire. Vigil stopped firing when his gun jammed and officers
shot him in the stomach. The 32-year-old was taken into
custody after he was seen smoking meth in a McDonald's
parking lot. Vigil was facing numerous charges, including
possession of drug paraphernalia, assault, felony menacing,
and possession of a weapon. It was difficult to search
Virgil because he was "violent and aggressive" and "highly
agitated," but officers reported that the suspect was
patted down three times. Prior to the shooting Vigil
threatened to shoot the officers several times and claimed
that he had been smoking meth for three days. In addition
to the handgun, Vigil had two baggies of meth stashed in
his "rectal area."
*-- 80 Stitches Is a Small Price to Pay For a Great Story --*
A Louisiana man's decision to jump on an 11-foot alligator
left him with a gash on his hand that required 80 stitches.
"I've always been the kind of guy who learns the hard way,"
said Glen Bonin in the understatement of the year. Bonin
and three of his friends confessed they tried to move the
gator off a road in Sulphur, La. "(We) took our shirts off,
threw it on (the gator's) face, and we were going to come
from behind it and jump on it. In the process of doing
that, it spun around and grabbed my hand seconds before we
jumped on it," Bonin said. Bonin told the local news it
felt like someone was pulling his arm out. "I thought I was
about to lose something," he said. "Call wildlife and
fisheries, call the sheriff, call somebody, stay in your
vehicles don't try to play with them or move them," he said.
"Leave it to the professionals, that's what they say."
*-- How Would You Like To Shake Hands With This Guy? --*
A New York state college professor set his second Guinness
World Record when he bent seven steel railroad spikes in
one minute. William Clark, a professor in the Binghamton
University health and wellness department and a former
Olympic strongman, bent seven steel spikes at the college
Tuesday, beating the previous record of four spikes in one
minute. Clark said his accomplishment was aimed at spreading
awareness of living with anxiety and stress. The professor
previously set a Guinness record in August 2018, when he
ripped 23 license plates in half in one minute.
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
>A Cheap Gift
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom
thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She
showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to
see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
-<>-
>The Chicken and the Egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied
smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over,
and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
-<>-
_--_ dMb
__(._ ) d0P
< (D) .MP
.~ \ /~```M-.
.~ V Mo_ \
-------============((((}{) ( (___. {:)-./
~._____.(:}
'94 the wolfe / .M\
/ "" \
| /\ |
/ / \ \
/ / \ \
\__/ \__/
/ / | |
.^V^. .^V^.
+-+ +-+
>Great One-Liners
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
-<>-
>Q and A Quickies
Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because he was a little horse.
Q: What kinds of songs do planets like to sing?
A: Nep-tunes!
Q: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
A: He's all right now.
Q: What do you call Santa when he goes down a chimney with a
fire at the bottom?
A: Krisp Cringle.
Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A: Nothing, it was on the house!
Q: Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
A: Because they look silly in snowsuits!
Q: Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log!
Q: What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
A: This one will sleigh you!
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
_
/ }
/'.\
_/ ) (`-
( ,)
|/
/|
' ` Elb
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite
friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had
returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,
with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship
might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age
difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He
looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone
who's 104?!'
-<>-
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a
prominent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect
to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday
afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
-<>-
Two friends are discussing the possibility of love.
"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.
"How so?" his friend asks.
"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted
nothing to do with me."
"And that wasn't love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was obsession. Then two years
ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't
understand me."
"Was that love?"
"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I
met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She
was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And
everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange
sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Was that love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was seasickness."
-<>-
During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the
8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured
by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped
and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One
of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty
in the parachute building.
"Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one
of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you
to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working
order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation."
"You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal replied.
"In this work we never get any complaints."
-<>-
y wife has these days when she wants us to "talk about
things."
On one of these occasions we were discussing our future
so I asked her, "What would you do if I die before you
do?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look
for a house-sharing situation with two or three other
single or widowed women who might be a little younger
than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"
I replied, "Probably the same thing."
-<>-
.===. _ _
/ _/\ \ / )%.===.%( \
\/6.6\/ | // ,,, \\ |
( _ ) \/ \/6.6\/ \/ .===.
_)---(_ /\ ( _ ) /\ / ,,, \
/ `~` \ ^^ /()-()\ ^^ ( /6.6\ )
/\/ \/\ / /o o\ \ )( _ )(
\ | | / (._\ Y /_.) (_/;---;\_)
\|_____|/ (O_`&`_O) / `"*"` \
| L | / / \ \ ( (_.@._) )
|__|__| / ()/^\() \ /'._\|/_.'\
| | | /. . . . . . .\ /. . . . . .\
|_|_| `"`"`|`|`|`"`"` `"`"|"|"|"`"`
jgs _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_
(___|___) (___|___) (___|___)
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to
see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a
laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think", the man laughed. I'm the father of
THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"
=========================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
>Quotes:
"There is a theory that states that if ever anyone discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be immediately replaced by something
even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another that states that this has already happened."
- Douglas Adams -
"Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but
on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it
rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the
land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll be among the stars!"
-<>-
..:::::::..
//////\\\\\\\
|||||||||||||
|||||||||||||
|||||||||||||
HH ||||||||||||| HH
HH==================HH
HH==================HH
HH ############# HH
HH ############# HH
HH ########### HH
HH ######### HH
HH ####### HH
HH ##### HH
HH () HH
\\ () //
\\ () //
\\ () //
\\ (//
\\ //)(
____\/___()
,#################....
##################### ```
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT.
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own
meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But
trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall
in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how
fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed
your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 PM on some idle
Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people
who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with
yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed
in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to
do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know
still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when
they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe
you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices
are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of
what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should
hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle,
because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you
when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will
philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize
that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund.
Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one
might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look
85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply
it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing
the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts
and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
-<>-
\\//
//
//\\
\\//
//
//\\
\\//
//
//\\
\\//
//
//\\
\\//
//
//\\
\\//
//
//\\
THE ROPE
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were
blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the
party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and
everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette
gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save
the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
-<>-
Because of budgetary constraints, the City of Baltimore, Md., has
stopped the tradition of giving people a "Key to the City." These days,
they just send a guy over and he shows ya how to pick the lock.
-<>-
>December 8 WASHINGTON, DC--
On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act,
sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more
than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by
President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major
victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any
real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not
possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
themselves in society," said Clinton, a long-time ANA supporter.
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existence of unrewarding, dead-end
busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling out mail-in
rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and
processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for
these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard
and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based
raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward
mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to
provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack
of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great
nation."
I ASSURE YOU THE ABOVE IS A JOKE.
-<>-
.----------.
/ .-. .-. \
/ | | | | \
\ `-' `-' _/
/\ .--. / |
\ | / / / /
/ | `--' /\ \
/`-------' \ \ Jym Dyer
>SCREAM OF THE CROP SUPERSTITIONS COLUMN:
PIERCED EARS: Some people believe that piercing earlobes improve poor
eyesight. And sailors say that wearing a gold earring will protect them
from death by drowning.
HOUSELEEK: This is a small plant that can grow on walls and house roofs.
The Welch tradition says that houseleeks growing on a roof bring bad
luck to the household, yet protects the occupants from disease. (!?) The
English say that the plant deters lightning and protects against fire. I
guess wise homeowners would do well to plant houseleeks on the roof as a
first home improvement job. (The juice of the plant is also folk
medicine to treat burns, ulcers, sores, corns, ringworm, and urinary
tract infections.)
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Earth In Perspective 2
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/earth2.html
Back In Time
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/backintime.html
Keep On Smiling!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/smiling.html
Cbevy Selling It!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chevysi.html
In Days Past!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dayspast.html
Relics From The Past!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/relics.html
Remember Bumper Cars?-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bcar.html
Sgt.Stubby War Dog Hero!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stubbywardog.html
Celebrities Then And Now!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrities.html
Nostalgic Goldie Memories!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/goldenoldie.html
Full Christmas Index!
https://tinyurl.com/y4xyz2w8
-<>-
Melipona Bee Defies Evolution
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DV7TS3XB94
Who doesn't like Dolphins. Watch them being put through some tricks.
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/pRFq7K4vCSk?rel=0
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
Interment aboard the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbor results in Eternal
Peace for a select few Navy Veterans.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgE2KiPd3xg
A fun and entertaining look at Cats Stealing Dog Beds that cat and dog
lovers have probably seen played out if they own both a cat and dog.
Cats definitely like to sleep and they like to sleep in as many
different places as possible including the dog bed. It is nice to see
most of the dogs try to accommodate the cats as I’m pretty sure the
dogs know they are the Alpha male in this situation.
https://youtu.be/2EEfEsddiUQ
---
...Sweet! Thanks LouisseAu!
The 12 Days Of Christmas' - from the 1979 TV Christmas special 'A
Christmas Together with John Denver and The Muppets'. A lot of
holiday fun!
https://youtu.be/L_rMCwoCLv8
Actor Kevin Sorbo plays a police officer trying to repair some broken
relationships in this Christmas video of “Silent Night” by The
Tabernacle Choir. The soundtrack of “Silent Night” is set to Mack
Wilberg’s arrangement of the classic Christmas carol and performed by
The Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Krj_9gOdy8k
---
...I love these! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
>From Our Friend PatDeE :)
US : Nuclear Submarine A must see for all.
This is a video on how the USS Pennsylvania works. It is a nuclear
powered submarine powered by a lump of uranium the size of your fist
that provides all of the power to navigate and provide power for all of
the daily operations. It has been running since 1989 without having to
refuel. Ever wonder how they get fresh air under water to last for
months? How do they launch a nuclear warhead? How they can make the
submarine quiet to avoid detection? This is fascinating!!
http://www.chonday.com/Videos/pen1usnav1
---
...Amazing! Love it! Thanks PatDeE!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Victor :)
2019 Christmas Decorations at the White House
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgAAdNaL4oM
---
...Ooo, Lovely! Thanks Victor!
-<>-
>From our Friend Linda :)
Todays cars, trucks, jeeps would never be able to drive thru this..
And no 4 wheel drive either.. lol
Wait'll you see this promo for a 1920 auto. I doubt that even
today's 4-wheel drive vehicles could manage to get through this
quagmire! Oilfield Dodge
https://www.youtube.com/embed/nq2jY1trxqg?rel=0
---
...Geesh! Glad we got paved roads! LOL! Thanks Linda!
This is what a major intersection with no traffic lights looks like.
How they are able to avoid accidents is quite remarkable. In this time
lapse video we see the intersection at Meskel Square , the nerve center
of Addis Ababa , Ethiopia . While the square is a primary site for the
city's large festivals and celebrations, it is also a chaotic crossroad
for thousands and thousands of vehicles daily. This is organized
confusion at its finest. Pedestrians, walk with care!
https://tinyurl.com/st99d8m
---
...LOL! Crazy! Thanks Linda!
Notice generally, the bigger the vehicle - the faster it goes?
Here's another crazy one...
Rushhour in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vccVdXnVjMk
My Theme song ---
https://www.youtube.com/embed/OOgd9hitEAE?rel=0
---
...HaHa! A Funny Fav! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"According to a new study, women are more attracted to men
who talk less. Which is why you often overhear women say,
'Check out that mime.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Indonesia's anti-drug chief is proposing that the country
put narcotics offenders in a jail on an island surrounded
by crocodiles. The plan is to send the inmates food supplies
every day but they will have to survive on their own. This
already sounds like a reality TV show I would totally watch."
-James Corden
"A cellist in Oregon was arrested after police found over
100 pounds of marijuana in his car trunk. Thankfully, when
they pulled him over, he didn't resort to violins."
-Seth Meyers
"Pope Francis visited a Buddhist country and made some
controversial remarks. The worst was when the Pope saw
a statue of Buddha and said, 'At least, MY God has abs.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"Uber signed a deal with NASA on Wednesday to develop
'Uber Elevate,' a new type of Uber that will use flying
cars. They're developing a flying Uber. And you thought
you vomited in the backseat of Ubers before."
-James Corden
"After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it
will remove a chemical in its bread that is also found in
yoga mats. Some people were like, 'You mean I've been
eating a dangerous chemical?' While most people were like,
'You mean I can eat my yoga mat?'" -Jimmy Fallon
"An Ohio-based company made a cup holder for dip that
attaches to a dashboard so you can eat chips and dip
while you drive. I don't have a joke about this, I just
wanted to remind you we're still the greatest country in
the world." -Conan O'Brien
"A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can
have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast
cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time
it's just a pigeon staring at your boobs." -Seth Meyers
"Astronomers announced today that they have discovered an
earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is
potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the
planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which
is impressive because we barely have those things here in
Los Angeles. The planet in question orbits a star called
Ross 128. It's part of a larger system that includes
Chandler, Joey and Monica 128." -James Corden
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
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words) out to all self-subscribed readers and $5 more will give you
the same message also put up for all web site readers.
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
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