Praise God He Is Risen... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our ShangyFunList: Group Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: bcrsystems@earthlink.net Shangrala Family Fun: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! ================ __ __ ,-' `' \ _---``-- / _ _ ; __ `. / / `' \; /`----- ) / .-/ ,( ), \-. ; | \( \ / )/; | - _5 `7 -; / ( ___-' `-____ | ( ___`-_ \ ____| \ / `,/ \ _(\__ / \ \ ; \ .' /' `i. / | | \ _-'( _\__-/ `- | | ` ,` `_ | BP * Don't forget to follow us on social media for our latest updates and uproarious funny and inspiring pages! On Facebook: https://tinyurl.com/y8dcm8x7 On X (Twitter): http://tinyurl.com/n5uf3dxv ================ ______ '-._ ```"""---.._ ,-----.:___ `\ ,;;;, '-.._ ```"""--.._ |,%%%%%% _ , '. `\;;;; -\ _ _.'/\ .' `-.__ \ ,;;;;" .__{=====/_)==:_ || ,===/ ```";,,,,,,,;;;;;'`-./.____,'/ / '.\/ '---/ ';;;;;;;;' `--.._.' / ,===/ '-. `\/ '---/ ,'`. | ; __.-' \ ,' jgs \______,,.....------'''`` `---` *~* PRAISE GOD! - JESUS CHRIST IS RISEN!!!!!! I Hope You Had A Most Happy Blessed Easter Celebration! :) As an added Easter blessing, the second airman in F-15E that was shot down over Iran is rescued safely, U.S. officials say. The search was on for the backseater since Friday's incident, when the pilot was rescued shortly after the strike two U.S. officials said late Saturday. President Donald Trump said the rescue was "an Easter miracle" in a text message to NBC News and praised U.S. forces for their "strong, decisive" actions. “The Iranians thought they had him, but it wasn’t even close,” he said. “And remember, we got two, but couldn’t talk about the first in that it would have highlighted that there was a second.” https://tinyurl.com/3xythf9b No man left behind. Hundreds were searching for him. Thank God they found him before Iranians did! -<>- >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our too hot to handle new page is from our friend FranC. It is one to give you some chuckles for your day. Be sure to check it out here... `-. . \`. . ``. \\`. .'`. `.`-. /// _.`.\`._ _..-'.'.' `. `--'_'_. =_` ` "--..'.' .-' ._.-' `--.___.:; ; , , _.-' `v' v -' ----------.. . .-' `. ';` .-' `. -------.-' `.. `._ \`-. '` / .''''''\ \ `. @.' .'| \. `._ _..-' .' /| `. .' /H/ `-.______.--' /s/ |/A/ _.-._ |/ ---/.-"-.\----' \`._.'/\/ """ Birds Being Bad! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/birdsbad.html --- ...Oh My! LOL! Thanks FranC! -<>- *~* Last Month We Had A Superior Month Of Giving And Sharing! Be Sure To Check Out And Please Do Share All Of These: /\ /\ |`\\_,--="=--,_//`| \ ." :'. .': ". / ==) _ : ' : _ (== |>/O\ _ /O\<| | \-"~` _ `~"-/ | >|`===. \_/ .===`|< jgs .-"-. \===' | '===/ .-"-. -----{'. '`}---\, .-'-. ,/---{.'. '}----- `"---"` `~-===-~` `"---"` Funny Lighthearted Memes! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/funnymemes.html New Cat Owner's Stories! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newcatowners.html Proud Of Our Troops 10! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/troops10.html Proud Of Our Troops 11! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/troops11.html Story Of Capitan! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/storyofcapitan.html Proud Of Our Troops 12! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/troops12.html No Words Necessary 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nowords4.html Life's Little Oops 17! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops17.html Only One Job 8! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/onejob8.html Science Can Be Fun! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sciencehumor.html In The Wild Trivia! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildtrivia.html Humorous Signs 8! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hsigns8.html Purrfect Cat Moments! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catmoments.html ,_ ,_ (\/) _, _, | '. '. \/ .' .' | \ \ \ / / / '.__\_|_ _|_/__.' /` '. .' `\ / ^ ) ( ^ \ / __.' '.__ \ .' (_ _) '. .' \'-._ _.-'/ '. / '.__)(__.' \ ; .-. '. .' .-. ; /`| / '._)(_.' \ |`\ | \ /--. .--\ / | '--'\ '-.__) (__.-' /'--' jgs )_____) (______( * May God Abundantly Bless All Our Contributors Through Christ Jesus! ======================================================== _____ _ _____ ____ /_ /, | ,-, ) /'_`\ |_ _| | __| \ \> | `-'< | (_) | | | | _| ) )__ ,_ |_|`\_\ \___/ |_| |_| (_.-'_)__$ ;-'' pb >-->From LaffGaff: >Strange Calendar My calendar only has dates like the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th. It’s very odd. -<>- >Balloon Animal Business My wife keeps blowing everything out of proportion. She is single-handedly ruining my balloon animal business. -<>- >Russian Vodka According to my friend in Moscow, Russian vodka has more alcohol than American vodka. But I’m still looking for the proof. -<>- >Broken Submarine Did you hear the joke about the broken submarine? It didn’t go down that well. -<>- >Scariest Dinosaur What was the scariest dinosaur? A terror dactyl. -<>- >Cheese Making Contest I was looking good for a silver medal at the local cheese making contest. But then I fell at the final curdle. -<>- _ .--. ( ` ) .-' `--, _..----.. ( )`-. .'_|` _|` _|( .__, ) /_| _| _| _( (_, .-' ;| _| _| _| '-'__,--'`--' | _| _| _| _| | _ || _| _| _| _| _( `--.\_| _| _| _|/ .-' )--,| _| _|.` (__, (_ ) )_| _| / jgs`-.__.\ _,--'\|__|__/ ;____; \YT/ || |""| '==' >Hot Air Balloon Dinner Date What do you call a romantic dinner on a hot air balloon? An update. ======================================================== +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ April 6 is Easter Monday, California Poppy Day, Dyngus Day, National Tartan Day, Plan Your Epitaph Day, Sorry Charlie Day, Teflon Day, Fresh Tomato Day, Drowsy Drivers Awareness Day, National Student Athlete Day and National Siamese Cat Day April 7 is International Beaver Day, National Coffee Cake Day, No Housework Day, World Health Day and International Snailpapers Day April 8 is All is Ours Day, Draw a Picture of a Bird Day, Zoo Lover's Day and Dog Farting Awareness Day April 9 is Name Yourself Day, National Unicorn Day, National Cherish an Antique Day, National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day and Winston Churchill Day April 10 is Golfer’s Day, National Farm Animals Day, National Siblings Day, National Hug Your Dog Day, Safety Pin Day and Salvation Army Founders' Day April 11 is Barbershop Quartet Day, Eight Track Tape Day, National Pet Day, National Submarine Day and International Louie Louie Day April 12 is Big Wind Day, Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day, International Day of Human Space Flight, National Licorice Day, Walk on Your Wild Side Day and Drop Everything and Read Day ======================================================== >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: 8a . `. _ ___________ s, _____ /_/ ____________________a:f____ .Jktbc._ _ ./ xft#kTJ: _. (_)/) -._ cf8#6C. , ( ( ,-' ) ` `"P:'. '-._\_\___.---' >A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out... ~ A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there." ~ An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there." ~ A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits." ~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was. ~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit. ~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit. ~ A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit." ~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit." ~ A Christian Scientist observed, "The pit is just in your mind." ~ A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit." ~ A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit." ~ An optimist said, "Things could be worse." ~ A pessimist claimed, "Things will get worse." Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit. -<>- A person can fail many times, but they aren't a failure until they begin to blame somebody else. -<>- ,'-', :-----: (''' , - , ''') \ ' . , ` / \ ' ^ ? / \ ` - ,' `j_ _,' ,- -`\ \ /f ,- \_\/_/'- , `, , , /\ \ | / \ ', , f : :`, , <...\ , : ,- ' \,,,,\ ; : j ' \ \ :/^^^^' \ \ ; ''': \ -, -`.../ ' - -,`,--` \_._'-- '---: Storm A cowboy from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going home to Texas for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a brand new Ford F-250 King Ranch. The truck was parked on the street in front of the bank. The old cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $85,000 pickup truck as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the truck into the bank's private underground garage and safely parked it. Two weeks later, the old cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07, and took the keys to his truck. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumnus From Texas A&M, a highly-sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The good 'ole Texan replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my truck for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" -<>- The wurst thing about working at a sausage shop is that every day is ground hog day. -<>- I'm not a "Ride or Die" kinda person. I have questions: * Where are we riding to? * Why do I have to die? * Can we get food on the way? -<>- *-*, ,*\/|`| \ \' | |'| *, \ `| | |/ ) | |'| , / |'| |, / __|_|_|_|__ [___________] | | | | | | |_________| Birgit Nietsch There's something really wrong with my cactus plant, but I just can't put my finger on it. -<>- The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Al," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I? "Thirty-four," Al answered unhesitatingly. The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me... how did you guess?" "Oh, there's nothing to it," Al said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy." -<>- I miss the 90s when bread was good for you and no one had heard of kale. ======================================================== >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) .;';. ';. ';..;' ' ';. ' ' .;' .;' - = .;' .;', , , :: .;'.;'.;'.;' .;' .;'.;'.;'.;' .;' AsH ';.';.';.';.;' >Grandma's Hands Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench.. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. 'Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking,' she said in a clear voice strong... 'I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,' I explained to her. 'Have you ever looked at your hands,' she asked. 'I mean really looked at your hands?' I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making. Grandma smiled and related this story: 'Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.. 'They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. 'They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. 'They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. 'These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of God.' I will never look at my hands the same again. But remember God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God. I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face. When you receive this, say a prayer for the person who sent it to you, and watch God's answer to prayers work in your life. Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend will bless you both. --- ...A sweet one. Thank You LouiseAu! -<>- _ _{Ss //\\_/_/\Ss _/_| \_/ \_ pb >(An Et-Ahem!) Older men scam: BE CAREFUL, IT COULD BE YOU! Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also April. 1st, 3rd, and twice on the 5th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot and to Wal-Mart. So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) --- ...LMAO! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================== >-->From HandyHints: ______ [===| |====] | || | || ejm97 |=====|| |=====|| '"""""'| | | '"""""' Paper towels are a go-to in many households for a variety of cleaning jobs. Too many cleaning jobs, really. A fact that has been highlighted now that so many people have stocked up on paper towels that they have become hard to find! But really, paper towels are not the best thing to use for many cleaning purposes. For best results save the paper and try a sponge or microfiber cloth when you're tackling these cleaning projects. * Electronic screens Keep paper towels far away from your TV screen, laptop, and even your cell phone. The fibers can cause permanent etching of the screen. Instead, use a gentle cleaning product and microfiber cloth designed specifically for these surfaces. It's also important to not apply too much pressure when cleaning these screens, because it may cause damage to the crystals inside an LCD. * Mirrors and windows When cleaning windows and mirrors, use microfiber cloths - a favorite of professional cleaners - instead of paper towels. Microfiber cloths work just as well (if not better) and they're reusable. If you don't have cloth, newspaper or even a paper bag will also work. And the best part: None of them leave lint behind the way a paper towel can. * Eyeglasses Raw paper can be hard enough to scratch your lenses, and it will leave lint. Instead, always use microfiber cloths as it cuts the oils that cause smudges and wipes them away. * Car interiors Avoid using paper towels when cleaning the car. Again, microfiber is ideal as it removes the dust versus moving it around. A dry paper towel never seems to fully remove the dust and applying a cleaning product leaves a sticky residue that attracts more dust! The grooves in microfiber capture and remove the mess. -<>- .-"""-. ' __ __ ' | (o_|_o) | (, (___) ,) | | | .___. | '. .' _J'-._.-'L_ _.-' `-._dp Although thinning hair may seem more prominent in men, women are nearly as likely to have this problem. Most women notice it in their 50s or 60s, but it can happen at any age, even during teenage years, and for a variety of reasons. There are a wide range of conditions that can bring on this condition, some of the most common being pregnancy, thyroid disorders and anemia. Or it can be as simple as too much stress. Whatever the reason, if your hair isn't as thick and bouncy as you would like it there are a few, simple fixes you can try at home that do not involve doctors or drugs. * Peppermint Mint's menthol tightens hair at the root, propping it off of the scalp for a fuller mane. One study found it's just as effective in regrowing hair as Minoxidil. To use: steep mint tea bags in 2 cups of boiling water. Let cool and pour on hair. Rinse after 10 minutes. * Argan oil Hair-nourishing fatty acids in the oil plump the diameter of strands so they appear instantly thicker - plus, they strengthen locks to thwart the breakage that makes hair look thinner. To use: rub a pea-size amount of the oil from mid-shaft to end of damp or dry hair. * Vinegar rinse A dry scalp can result in hair that appears dull and life- less. To remedy, try rinsing hair and scalp with apple cider vinegar. The vinegar balances the scalp's pH levels to alleviate dryness, so locks look more lustrous. To use: mix 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar, 1 cup of water and 1 Tbs of aloe vera gel (as an emollient). Pour onto damp hair and let sit 5 minutes before rinsing. * Make your haircut last twice as long When not properly moisturized, the outer layer of hair's cuticle wears away, leading to split ends that send us to the stylist much sooner that we would like. All it takes to stretch the time between trims by weeks - saving hundreds of dollars a year - is a weekly deep-conditioning treatment made with avocado oil. Its vitamin E, fats and proteins nourish, repair and hydrate hair to stave off breakage. After applying to damp hair, cover with a warm towel. Heat opens hair's cuticle to the active ingredients penetrate better. ======================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: President Donald J. Trump https://www.donaldjtrump.com/ TrumpRx doesn't sell medications. Instead, it connects patients directly with the best prices, increasing transparency and cutting out costly third-party markups. https://trumprx.gov/ White House Actions - 2026 https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/ Trump executive orders and actions, 2025-2026 https://tinyurl.com/musd7m3x DOGE Latest News https://doge.gov/ DOGE Latest Savings https://doge.gov/savings From The Daily Acorn: Positive News https://www.thedailyacorn.com/ Latest From Lifezette: https://www.lifezette.com/ Latest From Hannity: https://hannity.com/ Latest From American Action News: https://americanactionnews.com/ Latest From Reliable News: https://reliablenewsnow.com/ Latest From Newsmax: https://www.newsmax.com/ Latest From Expose: https://expose-news.com/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://greatergood.com/clicktogive/ggc/home -<>- >From Archives BizarreNews: Aisle 6: Kitchenwares, Pet Food, Corpses. It is kind of a macabre testament to the capitalist spirit that a California Target remained open for hours while the body of a suicide victim lie in the housewares aisle. Police were called to the Target where a man had walked into the store and headed to the kitchen section to select a knife. Surveillance video showed him standing in the aisle and removing the knife from its packaging. In one of the more horrible ways to commit suicide, the man proceeded to stab himself to death in front of horrified shoppers. Upon arrival officers located the individual with an apparent stab wounds to the torso. The man was declared dead at the scene. It is unclear exactly how long the body lay in the aisle, but you have to assume a stockboy had to put some tape up. Maybe display one of those floor signs that say "Cuidado: Piso Mojado". The last thing Target wants is a lawsuit from somebody slipping in a pool of blood and twisting an ankle. -<>- Police arrested a 14-year-old girl after she took revenge against her stepmother by burning down her home. Police in Roswell, New Mexico, said that the 14-year-old girl is accused of deliberately burning her house. Police believe that the fire started after the girl got into an argument with her stepmother. The woman and the teenager were arguing over the fact that the girl skipped school. When the stepmother and her two children went outside the home, a fire broke out. Fire investigators discovered a bottle of charcoal lighter fluid in the backyard and they believe it was the accelerant the girl used to start the fire. A male at the scene was hospitalized for smoke inhalation. It took firefighters about half an hour to put out the flames. The home was totally destroyed. Police said that the girl was seen running from the house after it was set on fire. She was booked into the Juvenile Chaves County Detention Center on suspicion of arson. So at least she has a roof over her head. The stepmother, on the other hand, is SOL. *---- Man Appears In Court In Spider-Man Costume ----* Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can, if that included kicking tourists for not giving him a tip. This particular web-slinger, Abdelamine el-Khezzani, is the kind of Spider-Man who gives the costumed characters who stalk Times Square in New York a bad name. For the second time in months he appeared in court for assault charges. This time it was for kicking a Virginia woman who wouldn't tip him after he posed for pictures with her kids. el-Khezzani said that he told Rodney Merrill and Margaretta Patman that he worked for tips, but after the pics were snapped and the tourists attempted to walk away, that is when Spidey got aggressive. el-Khezzani wore his Spidey costume to court where Justice Laura Ward told him, "Have you heard the expression 'Three strikes and you're out'? If you come to the plate and you strike out a third time, you're out" Ward warned el-Khezzani that if he is arrested again, "bail will be set so high that you won't be able to get out." Outside the Manhattan Criminal Court building el-Khezzani struck a Spider-Man pose for cameras and told a reporter that he was innocent. It is not reported whether he asked the reporter for a tip after his picture was taken. *------------ Cookie Monster Pulls Gun ------------* A tourist assaulting Spider-Man in New York seems tame when compared to the costumed criminal in this story. The Kent County Michigan Sheriff's Department said that a man dressed as Cookie Monster entered the Tropical Smoothie shop and pulled out a weapon. He ordered a drink, and fled from the store without paying for the item. The manager of the store immediately called the police, but the suspect managed to escape. Police recovered the weapon used in the robbery. The following day, the police managed to arrest the suspect, who was not identified. *------ Mother Hires Stripper for 8-Year-Old ------* Police in Florida, launched an investigation after a mother hired a stripper to perform on her young son as part of his 8th birthday party. The incident was recorded on video and posted online. The video shows the boy slapping the stripper's backside and throwing dollar bills on her nearly naked body. Officers from several police departments are investigating the mother and the stripper, but so far, no arrests have been made. *---------- Don't Say You Weren't Warned ----------* A homeowner who has a sign with the words 'We don't dial 911' right above the image of a handgun hanging outside her house shot an armed intruder who broke into her Indianapolis home. A mother reportedly heard the man enter her home through a window in her baby's room, so she took out her firearm. Neighbors say the man fired his gun at her first, and she fired back, striking him multiple times. The man was taken to an Indianapolis hospital, police said. Authorities also revealed that the intruder was carrying zip ties and a walkie talkie. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) .---------------. / oLo \ O/_____/________/____\O /__________+__________\ / (#############) \ |[**](#############)[**]| \_______________________/ |_""__|_,-----,_|__""_| | | '-----' | | APC'97 '-' '-' >Magic Car A mother gave her teenage daughter a car for her eighteenth birthday. As she handed over the keys, she explained that it was a magic car. The girl, of course, was very excited, and asked what it did. "Well," said Mom, "Just get one ticket and you'll see how quickly it will disappear." --- ...TeeHee! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- _.(-)._ .' '. / \ |'-...___...-'| \ '=' / `'._____.'` / | \ /.--'|'--.\ []/'-.__|__.-'\[] | jgs [] >Redneck LENT Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic. Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, but now you are a catfish." --- ...Oh No! LOL! Thanks PatDeE! ========================================================= (() /|||\ (())))) (|( */ ))( ,` (|)()) ( ) \ o ,...., /, _) (\_ |::::: .\\__| \ \ (::::: /\\ | \_\ \;;; ( |)| \ \__)_(__ | | \ ) | | \ | | | __ | :/ | | | \ |_____| | | | \/ | |___| | \ | ) I\__\ _| |.___._.'_ \`--, (_____( ) Sher^ `'' |_| >-->From Cleanlaughs: When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD." Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: "So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better." (1 Corinthians 7:38) Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: "Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage." -<>- At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian. He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian. He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!" -<>- /\ __ \ .-':::. \ :::::|\ |,\:::'/ \ `.:::-' \ `-. \ ___ `-. | .-'';:::. `-.-' / ',''.;;;\ | ','','.''| |\ ' ,',' /' `.`-.___.-;' `--._.-' AsH My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. Or do. Who knows, you might get lucky. -<>- The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?" -<>- >Famous Movie Quotes (The First Drafts) The Godfather: "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I'd jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?" The Terminator: "I'll be back. Do you need anything while I'm out?" Dirty Harry: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? I ask myself that every day, and you know what? I feel so very lucky. Loving family, steady work..." Taxi Driver: "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Sorry, it looked like you were talkin' to me. My mistake." -<>- ______ _\ _~-\___ = = ==(____AA____D \_____\___________________,-~~~~~~~`-.._ / o O o o o o O O o o o o o o O o |\_ `~-.__ ___..----.. ) `---~~\___________/------------````` = ===(_________D -Roland As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!" ========================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: The Cat To English Dictionary CAT PHRASE - MEANING ,_ _, Miaow - Feed me. |\\`-"""-`//| \ :'.': / meeow - Pet me. /=- -=\.=";```":, |= Y =|':. ': ':`. mrooww - I love you. \'._.-'-._.'/ ': : : '\ { '. `'-'` .' } '/.:. ': \ miioo-oo-oo - I am in love {=. ` '-' ` .=} |:' .: \ =} and must meet my betrothed { =. "=_ _=" .= }.=\:' .: | =} outside beneath the hedge. \= \ ` / =/'.=`'--; //= } Don't wait up. '._ `\=/` _.' (_.-=-=-=-'=.' \,,),,/ ( ,-==-==` mrow - I feel like making noise. `._) jgs rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box. rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical. miaowmiaow - Play with me. miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room? mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture. raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy. mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am (\ now recalling, with sorrow, that some of )) )\\ my private parts did not return with me (( / .( from that visit to the vet. \\.-"```"'` =_/= > , / roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see \ )__.\ | that you have returned home with both > / / ||\\ arms full of groceries. I will now rub jgs \\ \\ \\ \\ myself against your legs and attempt to `" `" `" `" trip you as you walk towards the kitchen. mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm. gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hair ball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting. , \)\_ mow - Snuggling is a good idea. / '. .---._ =P ^ ` '. moww - Shedding is pretty good, too. `--. / \ .-'( \ | mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling (.-' )-..__> , ; and shedding in the warm clean laundry (_.--`` (__.-/ / until you removed me so unkindly. .-.__.-'.' jgs '-...-' .-o=o-. , /=o=o=o=\ .--. miaow! miaow! - I have _|\|=o=O=o=O=| \ discovered that, although one __.' a`\=o=o=o=(`\ / may be able to wedge his body '. a 4/`|.-""'`\ \ ;'`) .---. through the gap behind the stove \ .' / .--' |_.' / .-._) and into that little drawer `) _.' / /`-.__.' / filled with pots and pans, the jgs `'-.____; /'-.___.-' reverse path is slightly more `"""` difficult to navigate. mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here. .--. ssssroww! - I believe that I ." o \__ have found a woodchuck. I shall _.-" ,( ` now act terribly brave. _.-" ,;;| _.-=" _," ,,;;;' mmmmmmm - If I sit in the .-"`_.-"``-..,,;;;;:' sunshine for another week or so, `"'` `\`\ I think I shall be satisfied. jgs /^\\\ ======================================================= >-->From JokeCentral: ,--. ,--. ( O ) ( O ) `--' \ `--' \ _ >-. / /| `-.__.' Krogg >PUNS OF THE WEAK * THE ONE-LINERS: The halucinogen put him in a bad mood. He was seething. (Jason Dias) Our marriage was a love match pure and simple; she was pure and I was simple. (Syman Hirsch) I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. . (Renee From Napa) If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer. (Pun of the Day) Feeling guilty about my action of years ago, I have sought to purge my vile past through the ritualistic purchases of triangular sports banners. I'm seeking pennants, just like the priest told me. (Larry Hollister) If I were a cop, I'd look for an excuse to arrest a mime just so I could tell them they had the right to remain silent. (Holly Yael Black) The nudist was disclosed. (Alan B. Combs) When the seer's services didn't sell at the charity auction, she became a non-prophet (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) He, who long ago said, "Talk is cheap," had no way to anticipate today's big phone bills. (K. C. Doyle) A young male camel meets a cute female camel at an oasis water trough, and with a sly wink, says, "Honey, I'd walk a mile for a date." (Harry B. Schultheis) Taking the path of lest resistance makes men and rivers crooked. (Lawrence Brotherton) My friend admitted she was forty but she didn't say when. (Syman Hirsch) He couldn't decide whether to accept a job in mattress sales so he decided to sleep on it. (Pun of the Day) His CDs were too full to get the last song on. He was burned up. (Jason Dias) An apostrophe is nothing more than a comma that's lost its sense of direction. . (Renee From Napa) He was a good doorman because he knew his ins and outs. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. (Clynch Vernadore) Wonder Bra has come up with a chocolate bra. They are using Godiva chocolate. Milk chocolate? That gives new meaning to being invited in for a snack. (Paul Cooper) Windows is a pane in the glass! (Douglas Helsel) Friends were once teasing Hayley Mills about her supposed marriage to Robert Stack. It was, like, needling a Hay Stack. (Bob Dvorak) Since they initiated the direct New York to Orange County flights, those who used to fly to Los Angeles are being called ExLAX passengers. Its seems they are always in a hurry to get somewhere. (Stan Kegel) Due to environmental regulations in Orange County, they can't empty a plane's lav. waste there. The drain in Wayne stays mainly on the plane. (Bob Dvorak) Prunes give you a run for your money. (Renee From Napa) I got the best possible result on my blood test. A+. (Jason Dias) While he worked, the shoemaker listened to sole music. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) The police boat was filling with water and those on board had to be bailed out. (Pun of the Day) I frequently go to the opera whether I need to sleep or not. (Syman Hirsch) Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry) Genealogy Research is overtaking the undertakers (Lawrence Brotherton) A man with a lump of tarmac on his shoulder goes into a pub. The barman asks him what he wants to drink. "Two pints please mate, one for me and one more for the road." (Joke Hacker) People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick. (Sandra Wilson) My dominatrix has a birthday soon. I think I'll just buy her a gag gift. (J. Hutter) I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears. My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. (Kim Moser) When his photographs all got double exposed he was beside himself. (Jason Dias) The barber was good at short cuts. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very important. When you talk to our neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!" (Renee From Napa) Is Diarrhea a pain in the gas? (Myke Ashley-Cooper) There's a real shortage of water in Beverly Hills. Two Perrier trucks collided. (Douglas Helsel) Atheism cures religious terrorism (Russ) People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick. (Sandra Wilson) My dominatrix has a birthday soon. I think I'll just buy her a gag gift. (J. Hutter) When steering through hairpin turns, it is hard to think straight. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears. My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. (Kim Moser) When his photographs all got double exposed he was beside himself. (Jason Dias) "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." (Bill Kelly) Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars (Pun of the Day) Four French kittens were playing with several balls of yarn. How many did they tear apart? Quatre cats shredded huit. (Jim Ertner) If you ask for water in a Beverly Hills restaurant, you can request the year. (Douglas Helsel) HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH'H`HHHHH'H`HHHHHHHH HHHHHbodHHHHHbodHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH'`HHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHooHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHP`HHHHHH'`HHHHHHHH HHHHHHb """" dHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHboooooodHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Krogg * POETIC PUNS: THE SPILL Our good friend Way One one day thought he would buy groceries that would last some time. When one lives in the boondocks often one must try to minimize the trips, for it's no fun to spend your days shopping for groceries. He packed them in the back seat, and on top he set the sweets -- maple syrup, cheese cake and a sugar sack about to pop. He stopped for a red light, and when it changed he started so abruptly and with such haste syrup and sugar (which were not arranged too steadily) covered him, so his taste became quite sweet, and ever since that night we speak of sugared Wayne and the green light. (Pedro J. Saavedra) The politician is my shepherd. I'm in want. He maketh me lie down on park benches. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He disturbeth my soul. Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of depression and recession, I anticipate no recovery, for he is with me. He prepareth a reduction in my salary in the presence of my enemies. He anointed my small income with great losses. My expenses runneth over. Surely unemployment and poverty shall follow me all the days of my life And I shall dwell in a mortgaged house forever. (Syman Hirsch) In the springtime, I saw a man sobbin'; Said his head hurt real bad; it was throbbin'. Had been robbed by a thief, And he sought some relief. So I guess I had seen spring's first robin. (Kirk Miller) A Midsummer's Night Dream In dementia tremens Titania, A disease that attacks women's crania, The afflicted young lass Falls in love with an ass. It's a terribly prevalent mania. (Max Gutmann) The wise ones will cite Bible foretold weapons race: A bomb a nation (Guy Ben-Mosha) Peacemakers beware While turning that other cheek You may pass a fist (Gary Hallock) In a contest in Santa Rosita A chihuahua won "Best Margarita". T'was almost a draw But the cat broke a law And the prize never goes to a cheetah. (Bob Dvorak) My son's so correct He calls his mum Mater. But He calls me collect. (John S. Crosbie) For the Courier font, time was ripe To date Arial font, but he'd gripe That friends would disparage Such things as mixed marriage, And proclaim she just wasn't his type. (Kirk Miller) -<>- . .' \ .' . .' ...'.` ___.-. .' ...'.' _.---' `..' ...'.' __.---' .' ...'.' .--' .' ...'.'. /` .' ...'.' `. / .' ...'.' `. / .' ...'.' `-. / .' ...'.' `. / ` _.-.' ...' `-._____.-' / / .' ...' /` /.'. ...' / .' .`.' \ / .' ...' | \ / /\ .' ...' \ | / / .' ...' / \ | /_/ .' ...' / | | |' `._..' .-------.__________.' .' .'---- .' | | | .' .... | | .' ...'| \ __.' | ___ / \...' \_`------------------._____ ___.---' / .-' | | \__/ `--.__ _.-' /.-' \__/ `------' ' VK >Daylight-Saving Time: What's the Point? by Martha Brockenbrough A reader writes: Hey, what's the point of daylight-savings time? It's so hard to remember when it happens, and everyone's an hour late to everything when it does. I'll bet it costs this country billions of dollars. --Jeremy, Seattle Jeremy, you ask a good question. But you need to know a little something: It's daylight-saving time--not savings. Daylight savings makes it sound like a department-store sale. Prices WILL go up when the sun goes down. Hurry! Who needs that? Not me, not you. Don't feel bad, though. Before I started researching the answer to your question, I also said "daylight savings." You're not the only person out there who doesn't love daylight-saving time. Have you ever read anything by Canadian novelist Robertson Davies? He had this to say about the practice: I don't really care how time is reckoned so long as there is some agreement about it, but I object to being told that I am saving daylight when my reason tells me that I am doing nothing of the kind... At the back of the Daylight Saving scheme I detect the bony, blue-fingered hand of Puritanism, eager to push people into bed earlier, and get them up earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy and wise in spite of themselves. The Diary of Samuel Marchbanks, 1947, XIX, Sunday And he makes an excellent point: daylight-saving time doesn't actually save daylight. It's a stupid name, really. I never know whether we're in daylight-saving time (when we "spring ahead") or standard time (when we "fall back"). Outside the United States, many people use the term summer time for what we call daylight-saving time, which makes a lot more sense because it happens during the summer. So, while daylight-saving time has been an utter failure in actually saving any daylight (for a rainy night, perhaps?), it does accomplish three things, according to the U.S. Department of Transportation: It saves energy. When we're awake, we're more likely to have our TVs, VCRs, and lights on (among other home appliances). By shifting the hours we're likely to be awake to correspond with the daylight outside, we're less likely to have the lights on, so we use less electricity. It saves lives. When people's waking hours correspond with daylight hours, they're safer. Traffic accidents, for example, are less likely when it's light out. It cuts down on crime. Crime tends to happen after dark. As is the case with accidents, people are less likely to fall victim to crime when their waking hours are synched up with the sun. And that's why most of the United States and many other countries take part in the twice-yearly clock-adjusting ritual. Most, not all. More on that later. OK, so we've uncovered some good reasons for daylight-saving time. But who came up with the idea, and what were the reasons? When I got your question, I had no idea how interesting it would be to find the answer. Before starting my research, I asked my mom and my husband why they thought we messed with our clocks twice yearly. "It has something to do with farmers and cows," my mom said. "It was about Richard Nixon," my husband said. And I'd always thought it was Ben Franklin's idea. It turns out, we were all a little bit right. I looked up daylight-saving time in Encarta Encyclopedia and confirmed right off the bat that it was an idea first suggested by Benjamin Franklin. The Encarta article also included a link to an in-depth essay from the California Energy Commission that explained how daylight-saving time cuts down on our energy use and improves safety. Mark Your Calendar! Daylight-saving time started on March 8th, 2026. Daylight-saving time ends on November 1st, 2026. The essay went on to give an interesting history of the practice. According to the essay, an Englishman named William Willett brought Franklin's idea back to life in 1907 after he noticed houses with their shades drawn during the daytime. He considered this "a waste of daylight." The idea didn't get anywhere until 1916, however, when England figured out during World War I that the country could save energy by changing the clock. The United States followed suit in 1918--but people hated it and the law was repealed. Until World War II, that is. (Nothing like a war to get your priorities straight, I guess.) Until 1966 local governments in the United States followed a kind of free-form daylight-saving time. Some did it, some didn't. Some started earlier in the year, some later. As you can imagine, this was kind of confusing, especially for public transportation and broadcasters. So in 1966 Congress passed a law saying if you wanted to follow daylight-saving time, it had to follow the national pattern. But the tweaking didn't stop there. In 1973, when Nixon was president and during the OPEC oil embargo, Congress enacted a special, two-year daylight-saving period. It wasn't continued in 1975 because agricultural states didn't like it. Finally, in 1986, Ronald Reagan made one last change--moving the start of daylight saving to the first Sunday in April. It used to start on the last Sunday in April, but moving it up lets us save even more oil. Once I'd read the Encarta article and the Energy Commission essay, I felt like I had everything I needed to know about daylight saving except one thing: which places in the United States don't abide by it. To me, the resistance is weird. And I cannot resist weird things. So, I did a Web search on "daylight-saving time." Here are the holdout states: Hawaii, Indiana, and Arizona. The strangest is Indiana, which has THREE different time arrangements. Most counties (77 in all) stay on Eastern Standard Time all year. Another 10 counties use Eastern Standard Time and Central Standard Time. And five use a combination of Eastern Standard Time and Eastern Daylight Time. Yes, this is totally confusing. Can you imagine crossing the county line and losing an hour? The full explanation, including a map, can be found on a really excellent site called Web Exhibits. Leave it to Hoosiers to do things their own way, I guess. I hope that answers your question, Jeremy. As for the rest of you, send in your tough questions! -<>- ( ) ( ___...(-------)-....___ .-"" ) ( ""-. .-'``'|-._ ) _.-| / .--.| `""---...........---""` | / / | | | | | | \ \ | | `\ `\ | | `\ `| | _/ /\ / (__/ \ / _..---""` \ /`""---.._ .-' \ / '-. : `-.__ __.-' : : ) ""---...---"" ( : '._ `"--...___...--"` _.' jgs \""--..__ __..--""/ '._ """----.....______.....----""" _.' `""--..,,_____ _____,,..--""` `"""----"""` >Too Much Coffee Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee 17. Starbucks is accepting bids for a franchise located in your house. 16. The National Bank of Columbia has offered you a Platinum Visa card with zero percent interest. 15. You offer to contribute to the Save the Children campaign, but they refuse to accept it because, "You're already doing your part," by supporting the economy of three South American nations. 14. Folgers has offered you a "distributors" franchise for your block. 13. Your co-workers are getting rich buying stock in companies that manufacture foam coffee cups. 12. The Coffee Service guy makes a daily stop at your house, then heads back to the warehouse to refill for the rest of his regular route. 11. You just went to the store and bought ten cases of non-diary creamer "to get you through the week." 10. You're from South Georgia, yet People from New York keep telling you to, "Please take it easy and repeat what you just said a little more slowly this time." 9. Those strange footprints in the ceiling of your office. 8. You haven't slept in a week and no one notices, not even you. 7. You find yourself sneezing Folger's Crystals. 6. Juan Valdez starts sending you hand-written Thank You notes. 5. You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath. 4. Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander. 3. Alvin & the Chipmunks start to sound like Barry White. 2. Auctioneers begin to make sense. And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee... 1. YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss.. -<>- ___ ,-'" "`-. ,'_ `. / / \ ,- \ __ | \_0 --- | / | | | \ \ `--.______,-/ | ___) \ ,--"" ,/ | / _ \ \-_____,- / \__-/ \ | `. ,' \___/ < ´--------' \__/\ | Wny \__// >THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES of the Weak GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 03-20-04_04 * THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES An impoverished Jew in an Eastern European village one day asked his wife to make him blintzes. Wife: "Only rich people can afford to make blintzes." Husband: "What can't we afford?" Wife: "Eggs." Husband: "I'll have my blintzes without eggs." Wife: "We can't afford the cottage cheese." Husband: "Leave out the cottage cheese." Wife: "We can't afford the raisins." Husband: "I don't need raisins in my blintzes." The wife makes the blintzes without eggs, cottage cheese, or raisins. The husband takes two bites and says, "You know, I don't see what rich people see in blintzes." (Jill K.) An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when cannibals capture him. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him. The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal." "Great," the astronomer replies. The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse." (Lois & Dick) Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living." I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms. When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels." (Garth Webster) Young Morris asked his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?" His father put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question. He replied, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn't listening.) "Therefore, we can drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish? To answer that, we have only to ask the question, "Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, 'Here, have a piece of fruit'?" (Jill K.) In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?" In England they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?" In France they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your husband is?" In Poland they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is? (Curt Dayton) Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, That must be the door, I'll get it!" (Lessa) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club so I could start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, I twisted, I gyrated, I jumped up, I jumped down, and I perspired for more than an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. (Carol's Humor) A bible-thumping preacher was really getting it going one Sunday, and in the heat of the Gospel, an attractive lady leaned out of the balcony a little too far, and fell over the railing. As she passed the chandelier on the way down, the hem of her dress caught on part of the fixture, and she hung there with her dress pulled clear over her hips for everyone's viewing pleasure! The preacher, a sensitive sort, cried out, "Any man who dares to look shall be struck blind!" A fellow in the front row nudged his friend and said, "Hell, I'm gonna chance it. This left eye ain't worth a darn, anyway!" (Douglas Helsel) -<>- ,''@, |.~.| : - : \-/ .-|\_/)-. / | Y -- \ / /\o /\ \ \ \_|___|_/ / \_/ \_/ | _ | | | | ( | ) | | | Sher^ | | | |__|__| (__|__) >Yearly Physical An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. The doctor enters the examination room and tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?" His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear." -<>- You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. --Geri Jewell -<>- /|\ [] |"""""""""""--__ /| |\ / | \ || |____________--"" ( |__| ) | ( ) | || | | \ / | .-. | || | | |12| ]( 0 )[ || | | | | / `-' \ || | | | | / /' `\ \ || | | | | | | | | |%%| | | | | | | | | ,'`, | | | | | | | | |||| | | |14| | | | | |||| | | / __ \ \ \ / / |||| | | ( | | ) `-' `-' `--' `-' \| |/ pb A fellow sees a job published on a building site which read: "Handy man wanted - Apply within" So he ambles inside and the following dialogue with the Site Manager takes place: Manager: Can you drive a forklift? Applicant: Nope Manager: Can you lay brick? Applicant: Nope Manager: Can you do minor electrical work? Applicant: Nope Manager: Can you finish drywall? Applicant: Uh, Nope Manager: Have you done any plumbing? Applicant: Hmmnn... Nope Manager: So, what's handy about you, buddy? Applicant: I only live 'bout 7 minutes up the road. -<>- a. ---._ _`8P . ` \`| ___.8 / ( / __(P --. \ \( ( _. \\\ ___ |/_ ` \ `_,/ \--( ">'__.(-' `-/ `- \_( _____..stuMBLE (__.----. (_ ] `\__(\|/ | `" | [________________a:f____________________ Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard! Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't. Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply. Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. Martin's Law of Meteorology: The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. Ehrlich's Law: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder! -<>- _|_ | / \ //_\\ //(_)\\ |/^\| ,%%%% // \\ ,@@@@@@@, ,%%%%/%%% // \\ ,@@@\@@@@/@@, @@@%%%\%%//%%%// === \\ @@\@@@/@@@@@ @@@@%%%%\%%%%%// =-=-= \\@@@@\@@@@@@;%#####, @@@@%%%\%%/%%// === \\@@@@@@/@@@%%%######, @@@@@%%%%/%%//| |\\@\\//@@%%%%%%#/#### '@@@@@%%\\/%~ | | ~ @|| %\\//%%%#####; @@\\//@|| | __ __ | || %%||%%'###### '@|| || | | | | | || ||##\//#### || || | | -|- | | || ||'#||###' || || |_|__|__|_| || || || || ||_/` ======= `\__||_._|| || jgs__||_/` ======= `\_||___ A Sunday school teacher was speaking to a group of four-year-olds about Jesus, Joseph and Mary. After the lesson the kids were to draw a picture depicting their favorite part of the story. The teacher shared the pictures the children drew with the entire class. She got pictures of the Baby Jesus in the manger with animals, she got pictures of the three wise men and the like. Then she got to a picture from little Jimmy, a picture of an airplane with four people on it. She called Jimmy up to explain his picture. She told Jimmy that she could see Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, obviously in their "flight" to Egypt. She didn't understand why there was another man on the plane. Jimmy quickly explained, "That's Pontius, the pilot." -<>- "I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that under- privileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime... but I have a great vocabulary." -<>- Bart and Art have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been retired. One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse, they get into a conversation about heaven and whether there are any golf courses there. They make a pact. The first one to die will come back and tell the other one. Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art. Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?" "I have good news and I have bad news," says Bart. "We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and tournament which starts tomorrow." "So what's the bad news?" "You're my partner!" -<>- {} {} ! ! II II ! ! ! I__I__II II__I__I ! I_/|--|--|| ||--|--|\_I .-'"'-. ! /|_/| | || || | |\_|\ ! .-'"'-. /=== \ I//| | | || || | | |\\I /=== \ \== / ! /|/ | | | || || | | | \|\ ! \== / \__ _/ I//| | | | || || | | | |\\I \__ _/ _} {_ ! /|/ | | | | || || | | | | \|\ ! _} {_ {_____} I//| | | | | || || | | | | |\\I {_____} ! ! |= |=/|/ | | | | | || || | | | | | \|\=|- | ! ! _I__I__|= ||/| | | | | | || || | | | | | |\|| |__I__I_ -|--|--|- || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | ||= |--|--|- _|__|__| ||_|__|__|__|__|__|__|| ||__|__|__|__|__|__|_||- |__|__|_ -|--|--| ||-|--|--|--|--|--|--|| ||--|--|--|--|--|--|-|| |--|--|- | | |= || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | || | | | | | | || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | ||= | | | | | |- || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | || | | | | | | || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | ||= | | | | | |= || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | || | | | | | | || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | || | | | | | | || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | ||- | | | _|__|__| || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | ||= |__|__|_ -|--|--|= || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | || |--|--|- _|__|__| ||_|__|__|__|__|__|__|| ||__|__|__|__|__|__|_||- |__|__|_ -|--|--|= ||-|--|--|--|--|--|--|| ||--|--|--|--|--|--|-||= |--|--|- jgs | |- || | | | | | | || || | | | | | | ||- | | | ~~~~~~~~~~~~^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia". -<>- Mr. & Mrs. Jones were eating breakfast one morning and Mrs. was reading a letter while she ate. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write to her, didn't you?" "Er, yes, honey, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience', so I substituted 'risk'." (last time we checked, this husband was still recovering from his injuries.) -<>- ,`. ,'` | _.-. ,` | ,',' / : | ,',' ; \ : / / / \ `.' ( ,' ,'' _ `. ,' (o_) `\ . (,.) _.-- : -..`/( .-'_..- `| .-'\,`. `-._ ; `._ /__ ,':)-.._ _.(:::`. |'\ / /`:::| ,' \ : : : `:| / : | | | \ : | | : :..---.: | | ; ,`._`-.|_ `. | |' ,'._ `. `. |_\ | : /`-. `. `. `. : : \ : __ `. `. `. \ ; \ \ |. / `. \ \ / |\ `..: `. __ \ \ / ' ` .:::::\ `. / \ \,' .::::::::::-..'_..-' SSt >Easter Attitude Too Many BAD Easters Prompts Attitude Toward Commercial Takeover of the Holiday By Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune When it comes to fully appreciating the significance of a holy day, you can't beat the retail industry. Maybe that's why the focus of Easter seems to be on a rabbit instead of a savior. I readily admit to being part of the problem. Probably because I've experienced some truly bad Easters. Not real Easters. Pagan Easters. __ __ (_ \ / _) \ \/ / .____ ('*' ) Hands off dem eggs pal --=_\===(~ )) if'n ya know __( )( )__ whats good for MJP(____) (____) ya..... For me, Easter started going bad in basic training. On bivouac one night, we were forced to use our helmets for baskets and hunt for smoke grenades that the drill sergeant hid around a large swamp. The experience was so horrifying that I still have nightmares about the Easter Leech. The most costly Easter was the time my neighbors bought a live bunny and put it in their back yard as a surprise for their kids. Imagine how surprised they were when my husky jumped the fence and killed the Easter bunny right in front of them. Could have been worse. It could have been Christmas. The worst Easter didn't occur until July of '81. That's when our kids hid their Easter eggs in the back of a closet and forgot about them for three months. By the time we tracked down the smell, the eggs had grown serious attitudes. We almost had to burn the house down. .--. .' ', .'.*.*.*.*', / \ / \ Y Y |.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*| |.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*| Y Y \ / \ / tms `.*.*.*.*..' `..__..' My most painful Easter was in South America, when my missionary companion and I were pelted with Easter eggs from a passing truck. It was nearly a religious experience. A 60-mph egg in the back of the head gives you a real appreciation for the Resurrection. From a purely pagan point of view, Easter wouldn't be so bad if you actually got something for it. It's not like Christmas, when you can reasonably expect quality gifts. Nor is it like Halloween, a time when it's considered socially acceptable to get even with people you don't like. Easter is basically benign, but don't you dare break its traditions. .-'-. ________________________ \ | ____ / \ \ | / ) ( Eggs?? Where the heck ) \ | / .-'" \_ are my carrots?! / _\|/.' o()(__)_____________________/ /_____\_ /'----|_/_ | 0 \ __::/ _ __@__ / \ H (_) / _ _\ / (_|_---|_/ /_(_)(_)\ / \____ \.-' /(_)(_)(_)\ -Dijkster- _ / )\_/ |/\\//\\//\\| / \/ / (/_ |/\\//\\//\\| \_/\_(_______) |/\\//\\//\\| """"""""""""" Like most holidays involving lots of candy and even more money, Easter comes with a curse if you mess with it. Easter's pagan traditions may seem dumb and overblown, but it could be a lot worse. Years ago, my wife and I decided to go the artificial Easter route. Instead of boiling three dozen eggs that the dog would eventually eat -- a gastronomical disaster known in our family history as "the unspeakable Easter" -- we bought plastic eggs and filled them with little prizes. Big mistake. Never make Easter anything at all like Christmas. If you do, you will eventually end up paying for it just like Christmas -- with a second mortgage. .-._.-. / V \ | | | | | | | | | | | | ) ( | (@) (@) | |> O <| | _/|\_ | )\ _`-'_ /( | { `-' } | | {_.-._} | |' o `| | o | | | o | | | |_ o _| | (___ \' __) | .'\/|/. | | |())()| | | |=====| | |/|=|=|=|\| | `=====' | | | | |.--.|.--.| (____X____) VK The problem with substituting the traditional eggs with nontraditional gifts is that kids expect the gift level to grow along with them. They might think it's great to get a plastic egg with a nickel in it when they're 5 years old, but don't try it on them when they are teen-agers. What started out with candy and spare change within five years had worked its way up to concert tickets, jewelry and money orders. When my daughters were babies, they cried if they didn't get a chocolate bunny. This year they will cry because none of the plastic eggs contain keys to a new Mercedes. ___ ___ /::_\._./_::\ _={::(_>[_]<_)::}=_ _~ ^--~/:i:\~--^ ~_ .d^ /:/ \:\ ^b. .d^ (;/ \;) ^b. i| ,___ |i ii / /^\ ,___ q&&&p ii ii \__), ^^ _, \ *+*+*+* ii |i / @ @ \\_/ x=X=X=X=x i| || { -.x.- } pXoXoXoXq || /=============================\ { \\\\\\\\\\\\\\i////////////// } \ - x - x - x - x - x - x - x / | / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / | |x - x - x - x - x - x - x -| | \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ | |- x - x - x - x - x - x - x| | / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / | -keely- \ - x - x - x - x - x - x / ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ If you have to have a pagan Easter, your best bet is to keep it simple. A few colored eggs, a chocolate rabbit, some jelly beans and maybe a new Easter dress. Anything else, and it might occur to you that your own resurrection isn't coming fast enough. Robert Kirby welcomes e-mail at kirby@sltrib.com. Copyright 1999, The Salt Lake Tribune -<>- ,`/ /L',_ ,\',` \ ` ,V ||/ )\ ,( / \ /, ` \ /' '| / | / | ejm `-. -._ >Wedding Pass A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." "No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy." ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Think Positive! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/positive.html Wood Chip Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woodart.html Pets Left Home Alone! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/petshome.html The Real Three Bears! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bears.html Who Wore It Better? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrities3.html Only In Canada! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/onlyincanada.html Koalas Up Close! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/koalas3.html Dubai Miracle Garden!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/miraclegarden.htm Birth Of An Island!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/island.html Forever Hollywood 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hollywood2.html Cool Optical Illusions!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/optical.html Light Bulb Illusion Art!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lightbulbart.html Humor With Buses!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bushumor.html Did You See That 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/seethat2.html Animals First Snow!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animalsfirstsnow.html Humor In Religion 3!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion3.html Got A Nanosecond 5?- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nano5.html We've All Been There!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catbox.html Pets Left Home Alone!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/petshome.html Look Who's Talking 9!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/talking9.html Car Show 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/carshow2.html Humor With Mailboxes!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mailboxhumor.html Right Angle Photography 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/anglephoto2.html Most Expensive Cars!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/expensivecars.html Holland Parade Of Flowers!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/flowerparade.html Beautiful Flowers 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bflowers2.html Corner Of Paradise! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/corner.html Graffiti Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/graffiti.html Maxine On St.Patrick's Day! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxineonpatday.html Spring In The Netherlands! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/netherlands.html Shangrala's Relics From Past! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/relics.html Volker's Easter Tree! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eastertree.html Tierpark Leopard Cubs! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/leopardcubs.html Polar Bear Cubs! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/polarbears.html Venice Winter Flood! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/venice.html Junk Car Parts Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/junkcarart.html Spring Index!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/springindex.html -<>- How to Become a Christian - How to Get Born Again / How to Get Saved / Romans 10:9 & 10 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMzblR8YDQ0 Bible https://quod.lib.umich.edu/k/kjv/ Bible Study Index http://www.absolutebiblestudy.com/Contents.htm Bible Teaching Videos - John Schoenheit Spirit And Truth https://tinyurl.com/2gyn3f35 ======================================================= >-->Past Quotes & Thunkers: "A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is no day at the beach either." -Jay Leno "They say that when you have a baby, you lose 700 hours of sleep in the first year, but it's worth it when they're old enough to do the yard work." -Craig Ferguson "After being named the unhappiest and the fattest state in the country, West Virginia has now been named the most stressed-out state. Researchers aren't sure why, but they think it might have something to do with being called sad and fat." -Jimmy Fallon "According to a new study, the best job in America is actuary - primarily because no one knows what an actuary is. So they don't have to do much." -Jimmy Kimmel "Near Antarctica, scientists just discovered some new under- sea creatures. I believe this deep sea discovery is yet more evidence of the wonderful bio-diversity in our oceans that we have to clear out if we're going to get at that tasty crude oil." -Craig Ferguson "NBC has canceled its reality dating show 'Ready for Love' after three episodes. Viewers complained the show was com- plicated and confusing - marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating." -Jimmy Fallon "Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards. -Jimmy Kimmel "Yesterday was Earth Day, and you know what I found here on the 14th floor? - an old-fashioned coal-powered typewriter. I'm so embarrassed." -Dave Letterman >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah, Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $35 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all web site list readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? 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