VE Day, Farmers, Images Of A Mother And More... :) Shangy >Here are the details on our ShangyFunList: Group Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: bcrsystems@earthlink.net Shangrala Family Fun: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! ================ __ __ ,-' `' \ _---``-- / _ _ ; __ `. / / `' \; /`----- ) / .-/ ,( ), \-. ; | \( \ / )/; | - _5 `7 -; / ( ___-' `-____ | ( ___`-_ \ ____| \ / `,/ \ _(\__ / \ \ ; \ .' /' `i. / | | \ _-'( _\__-/ `- | | ` ,` `_ | BP * Don't forget to follow us on social media for our latest updates and uproarious funny and inspiring pages! On Facebook: https://tinyurl.com/y8dcm8x7 On X (Twitter): http://tinyurl.com/n5uf3dxv ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) . . . . ,-,--. __| //``-, \ \_`\ )\a-a-? \ \ \_`(_=_/_-`__ \__, , \| | _ _,' ___7 ) | (_)(_`__(_,---' | ( _( ) | / /_| |________| __/__/__|__|_________) _________(__,_|)/ (__)|/____\(_______________ mic I am very pleased to announced we have a new sponsor for the website at www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com. ______________________________________________________________________ |.============[_F_E_D_E_R_A_L___R_E_S_E_R_V_E___N_O_T_E_]=============.| ||%&%&%&%_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ %&%&%&%&|| ||%&.-.&/||_||_ | ||\||||_| \ (_ ||\||_(_ /\|_ |\|V||_|)|/ |\ %&.-.&&|| ||&// |\ || ||_ \_/| ||||_|_/ ,_)|||||_,_) \/| ||| ||_|\|\_|| &// |\%|| ||| | | |% ,-----,-'____'-,-----, %| | | ||| ||| | | |&% """""""""" [ .-;"`___ `";-. ] &%| | | ||| ||&\===// `).'' .'`_.- `. '.'.(` A 76355942 J \\===/&|| ||&%'-'%/1 // .' /` \ \\ \%'-'%|| ||%&%&%/` d8888b // / \ _ _;, \\ .-"""-. 1 `&%&%%|| ||&%&%& 8P |) Yb ;; ( > a a| \ ;; //A`Y A\\ &%&%&|| ||&%&%| 8b |) d8 || ( ,\ \ | ) || ||.-'-.|| |%&%&|| ||%&%&| Y8888P || '--'/` -- /-' || \\_/~\_// |&%&%|| ||%&%&| || |\`-.__/ || '-...-' |&%&%|| ||%%%%| || /` |._ .|-. || |%&%&|| ||%&%&| A 76355942 J /;\ _.' \ } \ '-. /;\ |%&%&|| ||&%.-; (, '. \ } `\ \' ,) ,.,.,.,., ;-.%&|| ||%( | ) 1 """"""" _( \ ;...---------.;.; / )_ ```""""""" 1 ( | )%|| ||&%'-'==================\`------------------`/=================='-'%&|| ||%&%&%&%&%&%&%%&%&&&%&%%&)O N E D O L L A R(%&%&%&%&%&%&%%&%&&&%&%%&|| ||%JGS%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&&/_.----------------._\%&%&%%&%&&%%&%&%&%&%&%&|| '""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""` FinanceCharts.com says Investment research should be free. Investing can be risky. You need as much information at your disposal as possible in order to make the best decisions. If all the best financial information is locked up behind a paywall then it becomes more difficult to do the proper research. Simple price charts or other current metrics just aren't enough for serious investors. We want to see years and years of data, and we want it to be easy to digest. We also want to be able to easily compare multiple companies at once. And it should be super fast and free. We created a site that we actually want to use. Hopefully it will help you as well. Visit here and Enjoy! https://tinyurl.com/2up42dyy Be sure to check out this fine company! You can always be assured that I only go with the best for you! Why? Because I care About you! (¯`v´¯) `*.¸.*´ ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. Huggums!... :) Shangy! -<>- >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our too hot to handle new page is from our friends LouiseAu and Karen. It highlights some of earth's most amazing meteorites. Some are incredibly dense, some shine like polished steel, and a few even predate Earth itself. Be sure to check this out along with it's video here: _--._ ___-----___ ,' . `- _,-' `-._ ' '`_ `. ,'. --. ``:::.`. ` ` ) / `. \_ ) / )` `._ ` (` `-. ._ __(__,-'_,-' ;m ,' -##, "" "--_: "" : # ` m ww =(\ ' :\ . | ` (_ ` ` |( | . ' / ` : ' `-.__ . ) : --` oO `-' :: / ; ( ::\ ,##. ' ' ,' / )_-_\ \ `` /,-' / ``._ ` __,--'--'_,' `-____ ___,-v rjm ' ----- Awesome Meteorites On Earth! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/meteorites.html --- ...Wow! Pretty interesting! Thanks Ladies! -<>- .-.__.-.__.-.__.-._.-. ( Wow, Come here son,) "-"(check out these)" "-"( Pages! ) '-..-"-..-' O _____________________ ,_ o _( Cool, Dad, you are )_ ____ \"\___,-'7 ( the Best web surfer! ) ____..-"_.-"| ) (/ """""""(("""""""""""""""" | |==== | a_ /@ E \\ |## |==== | =: T ::= ) __ )) |## |==== | \/\ <, {__\ Y |___|====____| 7"\_// \ \\ |\__,-7 _/____\_ /( (@) \ )) _}; . { '.,____,.'-.,( \_____ ) \ // \^ = _/ ._ _ | (((__ ~ ) _// /&~~") , Y = | '-,_ / T-cc_ // } (( | __,..--"' "-,/_ | | cc7_( )) "+-,_ | |"|_,,;/ "-, | |--" -Naughty *~* We Had A Spectacular Month Of Sharing And Caring Last Month! :) >Be Sure To Visit and Share All These Great Pages: Sweet Cat Memes! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catmemes.html Comedy In Nature 6! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/comedyinnature6.html Surprising Moments! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/surprise.html US Natural Works Of Art 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/usnaturalart2.html AI Wonders! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ai.html Italy's Beautiful Gardens! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/italygardens.html Cabins With Rustic Charm! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cabins.html Midnight To The Rescue! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/midnight.html World's National Park Trails! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/walkingtrails.html _ ______ / `'. ,-"` '. / /'-.'. ___ .' \ \/ '.\.' ' | .| .'`\ | /`"'--., / \ , _.--'` \/_ | ,----.| _ `_--;` ``` `\-. | | \ | -- C -- _/ \ \ | \ 0 0 / . | | \| ) | '. _.' |.__/ ; \ `'---` / / __ '. .' | (__) /'-._____,-` \ /---'.-""-.\ '. / ||,- \\ ;---`;-._||-= |\ , ."""-. \ ) `|'.___.' \ ___ \'. / '-. \ /`-`-; / \ ,/ `) \ \| \ `` | | \|| / /'.| )_ / || | | \/ .' \ \ .-'/ ` |` |.-' .-~ ~-~-._ |.'` \ ` '-. \___/,__/ ~` _ `~~-., `-.,_\_)`-.,_\) `~-,___ ~___~,,..-~~/ jgs \___/`\____/'._.' *~* God's Most Abundant Blessings To Our Thoughtful Friends For Sharing These With Us! They So Enrich Our Lives! Thank You! ======================================================== >-->From AJokeADay: .". / | / / / ," .-------.--- / "._ __.-/ o. o\ " ( Y ) ) / / ( / Y .-" | / _ \ \ / `. ". ) /' ) Y )( / /(,/ ,| / ) ( | / / " \_ (__ (__ [nabis] "-._,)--._,) Two rabbits are running from a group of foxes. They hide in a pile of hay. One rabbit says to the other one, "Ok, we can run for it, or we can stay here, and soon enough we out number them." The other rabbit says, "We're going to run for it you idiot, I'm your brother!" -<>- "Dad, I am hungry." "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad." "Dad, I'm serious." "I thought you were Hungry?" "Are you kidding me?" "Nope, I'm Dad." -<>- A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born. She told him she was born in 1935. "Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money! -<>- Car Dealer: "This car had just one careful owner." Buyer: "But look at it, it's a wreck!" Car dealer: "Well yes, you see, the other seven owners weren't quite as careful." -<>- __ _ .-.' `; `-._ __ _ (_, .-:' `; `-._ ,'o"( (_, ) (__,-' ,'o"( )> ( (__,-' ) `-'._.--._( ) ||| |||`-'._.--._.-' ||| ||| Artist: Bob Allison An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?" The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two." The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right," he says. "How did you work that out so fast?" "Easy," says the accountant, "I counted the number of feet and divided by four." -<>- A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once." -<>- "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me. "Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said. -<>- /())) //( oo (/|| _ \__ /||||/ '._-' / \ |\ / \ \ \_____ | \ \.___ /==, | ='.___/=. | ) '.______ | (______( | || snd |_|| _/ | |_\ '---'--' On day when returning home from work my wife proceeded to tell me that she had been called into the principal's office because of the things OUR SON had done at school that day. We agreed that he should be disciplined the same way I was disciplined when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player. So what is a parent to do in this day and age? We sent him to MY room! -<>- _.-'`'-._ .-' _ '-. `-.__ `\_.-' | `-``\| jgs `-.....-A # # >Thoughts Of The Day * Wake Up "If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up." - J.M. Power * Playing With Fire “Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.” - Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy * Just Friends “A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other... Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.” - Dave Matthews Band ======================================================== +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ May 5 is Cartoonist Day, Cinco de Mayo, National Hoagie Day, Oyster Day and Great Lakes Awareness Day May 6 is Beverage Day, National Teacher’s Day, National Nurses Day, No Diet Day, No Homework Day and Tourist Appreciation Day May 7 is Bike to School Day, National Paste Up Day, School Nurses Day and Tourism Day May 8 is Iris Day, No Socks Day, V-E Day, World Red Cross Day / World Red Crescent Day and National Student Nurses Day May 9 is Child Care Provider Day, Lost Sock Memorial Day, Military Spouses Day, Tear the Tags of the Mattress Day and National Public Gardens Day May 10 is Clean up Your Room Day, Hanging Flower Baskets Day, International Migratory Bird Day, National Babysitters Day, National Small Business Day and National Train Day May 11 is Mother’s Day, Lilac Sunday, Eat What You Want Day, and Twilight Zone Day ======================================================== >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: .-""-._ / ___/ \ _&_ _.--""|/ `\| // \\ .' ( ^/ ^ )'. / / \ \ / | _ | \ // / \ \\ | _\____/ | /_/_/_\_\_\ | .' \____/-._ | .-"-. | / `; /# \ | / / _|_.---\ | | |.-.; :--.-(_/.____/.-""\___/"-. / \ / ~~/ /\ \{"=.______.="} /--. ; /___/_~~/ ; .--\"=...__...="} / \-/ `\______|/ \-.______..-; | /`| | \ | |||| || | /_ | |_______/ | |||| || | \_/| |-------' |--'||'--._|| | | | | || |> |______| |____________|._ || _..-;| | [___] | `||() || |______ |\/|____________|jgs|| () (__) \__/ (__) () >MR. MCCUTCHEON'S VISIT By Dr. Michael A. Halleen "Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account." (Ecclesiastes 3:15) Some months ago I confessed to my daughter my regret that I had failed to take the opportunity I once had to attend Harvard. I was caught short by her reply: "But Dad, then you wouldn't have met Mom!" We were both struck by the implications: if I had gone to any other college, Barb and I would probably never have met, and our children - and their children - would never have been born. Each life hinges on a thousand million small moments - a step taken left or right, a decision made yes or no, a chance encounter, an impulse followed or ignored, a near miss. What we are today - even the fact that we are today - is the end result of those moments. William McCutcheon was mayor of North Branch, Minnesota in 1884. He had a wealthy brother living in New York whose wife was unable to bear children. It happened occasionally at that time that childless couples would approach large immigrant families and offer to adopt one of their children, providing financial help and promising a good home for the child. And so it was that one afternoon McCutcheon stood in the small front room of a Swedish family that had immigrated the year prior and offered, in behalf of his brother and sister-in-law, to adopt Tony, the oldest of this family's seven children. The boy's mother, a quiet, shy woman who appeared older than her 34 years, found tears coming to her gray-green eyes. Life was a constant struggle in this frontier wilderness. They were barely making it. She gazed for a moment out the window, perhaps looking down the years to her son's future. Then she placed her small, weathered hands on young Tony's head and, through the lump in her throat, said, "Mr. McCutcheon, if God strengthens these hands, somehow we'll get along." McCutcheon nodded, smiled, and stepped out the door. Tony became my grandfather. Each of our histories is the sum of yesterday's choices. Some we made, some were made for us. We are the products of their multiplying one upon another, and we can only accept that our histories are what they are. But many more such moments will occur, even between today and tomorrow. We do well to consider that today's choices - may God strengthen our hands as we make them - will send ripples into the future that roll right up to the shores of eternity. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Copyright 2009 Dr. Michael A. Halleen. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. -<>- Your behavior is what you believe; all the rest is just talk. -<>- __,-O< ,-- --. \. -=' -' \ __\\O- ,--- --. `^ / ). __,-O< \ __,-O< ,-- ----' `. `\) __)\O-__ )/ ,--( ,;:. _) / `^ _)\O< / (_ .:;:;. | | `^ :;';.;:' |_ |_ | ';\||' ______/=\\______/=\\_______| JML ap :| '-'-'-[=]/'-'-'-[=]/'-'-'-/'.=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:= -'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-/ '. | '-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-/ .-' .--.--. |/| -'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-/ _.-'.-: .; .;|;. ;. |/|/ ___ ___ |' _.'\ :|--|--|- .;_;' ';_;. --|--|--|/|/ |] [|_|_|] [|_|_|] | |\ | \:|--|--| ; ;' '; ; -|--|--|/ |] [|_|_|] [|_|_|] | | \|--' ;; .--.___.--. ;; _______________________| |.-' ;-[ O )=( O ]-; |/| ( `--' | `--' ) ____.-". |/|/ \| ( |/ ;( ,__.)/=' |/|/ . .:::::. . ; |/ \| |/|/ . '---' . \ | |/|/ |`. .'| ` `|/|/ ,-------/| `...' |\-------, |--|--|--|/|/ ,' | `. ,' | `, |--|--|--|/ / \ /'. ,'\ / \ ; |/ \ / \| ; ; ; / ' |. ' \ \; ; ; `-' | `-' MJP >YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF... ~ An overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation. ~ You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. ~ You sometimes rinse off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife lets you in the house. ~ You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket. ~ You have used baling wire to attach a license plate. ~ You remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, and yields for 10 years back, but not your kid's birthdays. ~ You drive off the road while examining your neighbor's crops. ~ You borrow gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway. ~ You have buried a dog and cried like a baby. ~ You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs. ~ When you drive your truck, everybody waves at you. -<>- I put my weight scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. -<>- A lot of women say their husband never listens to them. I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that. -<>- .----. ===(_)== THIS WONT HURT A BIT... // 6 6 \\ / ( 7 ) \ '--' / \_ ._/ __) (__ /"`/`\`V/`\`\ / \ `Y _/_ \ / [DR]\_ |/ / /\ | ( \/ / / / \ \ \ / \ `-/` _.` jgs `=. `=./ `"` >Doctor Funny: Patient: "Doctor, doctor! My wife has lost her voice! How can I help her get it back?" Doctor: "Try coming home at 3 in the morning." Nurse: Doctor! Doctor! There's an invisible man in the waiting room! Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now. Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Can I have second opinion? Doctor: Of course, come back tomorrow! Patient: Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me out! Doctor: Certainly, which way did you come in? Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Doctor: Go away, sucker! Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Have you got something for a bad headache? Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache. Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Will this ointment clear up my spots? Doctor: I never make rash promises. -<>- I am resilient. I can handle so many things in life but hearing people chew is not one of them. ======================================================== >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) ,;;;, ::::: _____ :;;;: c | c ) ( || | .-'---'-. ||_| / | \ /) / /_/| | |\/\//|/ \ \| | | \_/-| \_| | | | | ' ' | | |:_|_:| | Sher^ \ | / | ; | ; | ; | ; | \|/ | (_|_) ,/ \, >SMILES A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" -------- An elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their gender. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage, eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts a ring from a piece of cardboard and places it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf-whistles, and squawks, "I see she caught YOU at it, too...." -------- At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner." "Oh yeah? What happened?" "I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He darn' near got me!" "So, how'd you get away?" "Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over." "Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place!" "I did! What do you think the bull was slipping on?" -------- While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she replied. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "But I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice. "There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep." The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know," whispered his wife. "Just lie back, now, and let the poison do its work." -------- One day, a saleswoman promoting Avon knocked at his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home. "Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked, "May I ask where your wife is?" "She went to the cemetery," he replied. "And when is she coming back?" "I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years!" ------- ______ _\ _~-\___ = = ==(____AA____D \_____\___________________,-~~~~~~~`-.._ / o O o o o o O O o o o o o o O o |\_ `~-.__ ___..----.. ) `---~~\___________/------------````` = ===(_________D -Roland The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were politicians with all the heck scared out of them!" -------- Bill and Jack went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin, wiping some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. "No thanks," replied Jack. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee." "I'll have black coffee, too," Bill added. "And please... make sure the cup is clean." The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. BUT... Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?" -------- A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." -------- _ .--(-. -`-_..' ' ' /)'-.`. .' c' ^ ^ ' `_) `-_)' '. `--''_ `) \ BP .'`----' `. \..' ' /'.*o `. '\_o* '. -__`--' coo_n baby and bottle An engineer was on a tour of a factory that produced latex products. He's shown a machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the section of the plant where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!' "Wait a minute!" says the engineer to the tour guide, " I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It rotates a needle punch that pokes a hole in every sixth condom." "Well, that can't be very good good for the quality-control figures for the condoms!" "True," comments the guide, " but it sure as heck is great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" -------- / \ _(I)(I)_ ( _ .. _ ) `.`--'.' ) ( ,-./ \,-. ( _( || || )_ ) __\ \\||--||'/ /__ hjw `-._//||\/||\\_.-' `--'`--' A young woman walking in the park one day accidentally stepped on a frog. She picked it up and took it home. That night, she put it under her pillow and the next morning the frog was gone and there was a handsome young man sleeping beside her. She could not believe it.... Neither did her mother and father! --- ...OH MY! LMAO! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- _. _.-----'' `\ __..-----''' `. < `\. '\ :. `. `\ `:. `. `-. `:\ N o `. `+. `:. A s i `. __.===::::;) . r I `: c ___.__>'::::::a:f/' C A `. _,===:::=-'-=-"""'' i d t '-/:::'' '' y >Dictionary for women Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================== >-->From HandyHints: .--. /-. \ < ^ `D/ \_ ( )_/;. _ __|_, \\ ,(_I_______)\ //`-----\ \ // \____/\ // / / // _____ / /\ \ .---n-. //'` `\/ / \ \ _____|_"_~_|___// /\ \ \ \ / / \ / \ `\__...--' _\__\ \_/\ \\\\\\\\\\\\'-\__/--===-\__/-'`,,,,,,,,(____\,,,(__/,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, \\\jgs\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ >Avoid These 10 Common Lawn Care Mistakes for a Healthier Lawn Maintaining a healthy, lush lawn requires more than just occasional mowing and watering. Unfortunately, many homeowners make common mistakes that can hinder the growth and beauty of their lawns. Here are ten of the most frequent errors people make when it comes to lawn care: 1. Mowing Too Short One of the biggest mistakes people make is mowing their lawn too short, known as "scalping." Cutting grass too short stresses the lawn, leaving it more vulnerable to disease, weeds, and drought. The general rule is to mow no more than one-third of the grass height at a time, leaving the grass blades longer to encourage deeper roots and healthier growth. 2. Over-Watering or Under-Watering Finding the right balance in watering is crucial. Over-watering can lead to shallow root growth and increase the likelihood of fungal diseases, while under-watering results in dry, brown patches. It's best to water deeply but infrequently, allowing the soil to dry out between waterings. Early morning is the best time to water to reduce evaporation and fungal growth. 3. Neglecting Soil Health The health of your lawn starts with the soil. Many people forget to test their soil regularly and don't amend it when necessary. Soil that is too acidic or alkaline can inhibit grass growth. Regular soil tests help you understand its pH and nutrient levels, allowing you to add the right amendments, like lime for acidity or sulfur for alkalinity, to improve grass health. 4. Mowing with Dull Blades Using dull mower blades rips rather than cuts the grass, causing jagged edges that are more prone to disease and pests. Sharp blades ensure clean cuts that promote better recovery and a healthier lawn. Make sure to sharpen your mower blades regularly for optimal results. 5. Not Aerating the Lawn Aeration involves perforating the soil with small holes to allow air, water, and nutrients to reach the grass roots. Without aeration, the soil can become compacted, especially in high- traffic areas, leading to poor root growth. Aerating your lawn once or twice a year, particularly in the spring or fall, can significantly improve its overall health. --- ...Visit here for the full article: https://tinyurl.com/m4cjuyrh ======================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: President Donald J. Trump https://www.donaldjtrump.com/ White House Actions - 2025 https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/ Trump Accomplishments 2025 https://tinyurl.com/musd7m3x DOGE Latest News https://doge.gov/ DOGE Latest Savings https://doge.gov/savings From The Daily Acorn: Positive News https://www.thedailyacorn.com/ Latest From Lifezette: https://www.lifezette.com/ Tucker Carlson On Rumble https://rumble.com/c/TuckerCarlson Latest Eric Bolling: https://ericbolling.com/ Latest From Hannity: https://hannity.com/ Latest From American Action News: https://americanactionnews.com/ Latest From Reliable News: https://reliablenewsnow.com/ Latest From Newsmax: https://www.newsmax.com/ Latest From Expose: https://expose-news.com/ Latest From Billings Report: https://billingsreport.com/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://greatergood.com/clicktogive/ggc/home -<>- >From Archives BizarreNews: What do you do when you REALLY need to get to the bar, but it's 15 miles away and you don't have any transportation. Well, if you're this innovator you don't hitchhike, or call an UBER, or even steal a car. No, if you're going to make it to the bar you're going to make a statement while doing it in a stolen fire truck. An Alaska man stole a fire truck from the King Salmon Fire Station and drove 15 miles with lights flashing to a bar where he was arrested, police said. Dawson Cody Porter, 22, used a piece of lumber to break a window of the fire station and made his way inside the building around 9 p.m., the Bristol Bay Borough Police Department said in an online statement. Once inside, Porter started a fire truck and drove it THROUGH the station's closed bay doors. Police Chief John Rhyshek said no one was in the building when Porter broke in. Porter switched on the fire truck's emergency overhead lights and headed west toward Naknek, 15 miles down the Alaska Peninsula Highway. Rhyshek estimates that Porter was driving the fire truck for less than a half hour before he parked in front of the Fisherman's Bar. Unfortunately, the hero never made it inside. Two Bristol Bay officers made contact with Porter before he got out of the fire truck and he was arrested outside the bar, Rhyshek said. It's unclear why Porter stole the firetruck and headed to the Naknek bar, but Rhyshek said the investigation is ongoing. In total, Porter caused roughly $10,000 worth of damage and made it so the firetruck, which is valued at about $100,000, was out of service temporarily as it awaited necessary repairs. *--- Grandma got gored by a bison ---* A 72-year-old California woman trying to take photos of a bison was gored by the animal at Yellowstone National Park, park officials said. The woman, who was not identified, "sustained multiple goring wounds" and was flown to an Idaho hospital. She "approached within 10 feet of a bison multiple times to take its photo," the park service said in a statement. The bison most likely felt threatened after being repeatedly approached, Yellowstone Senior Bison Biologist Chris Geremia said in the statement. The park urges people to stay away from wildlife and to keep at a minimum of 25 yards away from animals like bison and elk. "Bison are wild animals that respond to threats by displaying aggressive behaviors," Geremia said in the statement. "If that doesn't make the threat (in this instance it was a person) move away, a threatened bison may charge." Bison attacks on humans have occurred in Yellowstone before, including just last month. They are massive animals, and bull bisons can weigh up to 2,000 pounds. A bison can run at speeds up to 35 mph, the park says. *- 'Merman Mike' recovers $17,000 ring from bottom of river -* A California diver known as "Merman Mike" plunged into the Sacramento River and was able to recover a lost ring worth $17,000. Mike Pelley, who uses the alias "Merman Mike" said he was approached by a man named Bill Fitty who heard about his underwater exploits and needed help finding a lost item. Fitty said that he had dropped a ring into the Sacramento River that was worth about $17,000. Pelley said his first dive came up empty, so he dropped a brick into the water in the same spot where Fitty lost the ring, so he would have a better idea of where to look. Pelley surfaced from his second dive with the ring in his hand. Fitty said he wanted to reward Pelley with $1,500 to buy an underwater metal detector for future dives. Pelley said the metal detector will help him on the search for two wedding rings he has been trying to find for their owners. ========================================================= >-->From Cleanlaughs: .--..-""""-..--. ///`/////////\`\\\ ||/ |///""\\\| \|| ## ( 6. 6 ) ## /_\ \ _. / /_\ _`) (`_ /` '--' `\ / _,,_ \ / /` `\ \ /\_/ / 6 6\ \_/\ \ \/\ Y /\/ / \ \/ `'U` \/ / \( \ / )/ |\_/ \_/| / ____ \ \ ( || ) / (__)||(__) | || | |__||__| jgs |==||==| /~`//~`/ / // / `""` `"` My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say only, "Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just say, "Shame on you" to that person. Next week we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you." Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign." -<>- A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet. "It's all those years of standing," his doctor declared. "You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you'll feel better." When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach. "How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the lifeguard. "A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight face. The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, "Help yourself." The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out. "Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you got here!" -<>- _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ _|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| ___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|__ While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?" The guide replied: "One." -<>- As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!" -<>- One afternoon, while touring the Canyonlands of southern Utah, my husband and I pulled into the only hotel in a small town. While signing the register, we asked the young woman behind the desk if our room was air-conditioned. When she shook her head no, we hesitated, wondering if we should push on to the next town. Sensing our doubt, she brightened as she came up with a solution. "Just turn on the heater," she suggested. "Our customers tell us all that comes out is cold air anyway." -<>- . .. __..---/______//-----. (( ) .".--.```| - /.--. =: ( VROOM! )) (.: {} :__L______: {} :__; __--( __- -_= ) *--* *--* jnh Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord." ========================================================= >-->From JokeCentral: `'. .`' ` * . : * *| : ' | || ' `|~'||' v~v~v~v !@!@!@! _!_!_!_!_ | || || | || ||| }{{{{}}}{{{ ejm97 __||__ A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ... "for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband." -<>- An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the busy waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time." -<>- Y\ /Y | \ _ / | _____ | =(_)= | ,-~" "~-. ,-~\/^ ^\/~-. ,^ ___ ___ ^. ,^ ___ ___ ^. / .^ ^. .^ ^. \ / .^ ^. .^ ^. \ Y l O! l O! Y Y lo ! lo ! Y l_ `.___.' `.___.' _[ l_ `.___.' `.___.' _[ l^~"-------------"~^I l^~"-------------"~^I !\, ,/! ! ! \ ~-.,_______,.-~ / \ / ^. .^ ^. .^ -Row "-.._____.,-" "-.._____.,-" ->Mr&MrsPacman<- >Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow 1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code 2. Graphics arrive via FedEx 3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection 4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later 5. Your credit card expires while ordering online 6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"... for 1989 7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan" 8. Everyone you talk to on the 'phone' sounds like Forrest Gump 9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them 10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out. -<>- Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium. It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary. And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory. -<>- I recall a story my father used to tell about a pastor who had been at a church for 20 years. To show their appreciation for all his years of faithful service, the congregation decided to collect an offering and buy him a new car. So on the Sunday of his anniversary they had a special reception in honor of the pastor and his wife. Lots of visitors come in for the occasion. Near the end of the reception, the chairman of the the deacons got up and presented the keys to a brand new Lincoln Town Car to the pastor. The pastor was so overwhelmed he really did not know what to say. After taking a few moments to collect himself, he addressed the congregation and said, "I just want you to know that I really do not appreciate this, but I sure do deserve it!" -<>- ______ .---<__. \ \ `---._ \ \ \ ,----`- `.)) (Joshua Bell) / ,--. ) | /_/ > | |,\__-' | \_ \ ~~-___ ) \ \ >Puns of the Weak: * IN THE YESTERYEAR NEWS Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who is a good sport, is probably chuckling over a report on Peter Jennings' "World News Tonight" program Tuesday informing the public that Greenspan was "in the hospital for a large prostitute." In case, you're wondering, Greenspan underwent prostate surgery. (Chicago Sun Times/ PANews) Jay Garner said Friday Iraq will get a democratic government soon. They must break old habits. Otherwise it's like the Australian Bushman who was given a brand-new boomerang and spent the rest of his life trying to throw the old one away. (Argus Hamilton) Saudi Arabia's Prince Saud called Wednesday for a quick end to the American occupation of Iraq. He's not the only one on edge. Every Arab ruler is smearing lamb's blood on their palace door next week hoping that George W. Bush will pass over them. (William Brabant) Hillary Clinton addressed a Democratic dinner in Connecticut Monday. It made everybody suspect her of joining the race. The last time Hillary Clinton ran for the Oval Office it was because she heard a lot of squealing and giggling inside. (Argus Hamilton) The son of former Olympic gymnast Olga Korbut has been arrested and charged with counterfeiting. Apparently he never acquired his mother's ability for making a perfect ten. (Jim Barach) San Quentin prison turns 150 years old this month. Of course, the most despicable criminals are now housed in more modern facilities ... WorldCom, Enron, Xerox ... (Alan Ray) President Bush said that he is worried that Iraq could be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it's good enough for the Republican Party, it's good enough for Iraq. (Jay Leno) The Securities and Exchange Commission nailed stock analyst Jack Grubman for misleading investors on Monday. They fined him $19 million for work that earned him $68 million. The idea is to teach everyone on Wall Street that crime doesn't pay. (Argus Hamilton) The CEO of the U.S. Olympic Committee has resigned in the wake of a scandal where he tried to steer Olympic business to his brother. Lloyd Ward is the former head of Maytag. You would think he would be able to do a better job of laundering money. (Jim Barach) _ .....Hit me I dare you......ya ya ya.... / \ __/ \_ /_ - \ \ ,:',:`,:' ........Oh yeah, yes you...HA! / / / \ \ __||_||_||_||___ | | / | ____[""""""""""""""""]___ / / \ \ \ " '''''''''''''''''''' \ ~~^~^~HZ~~^~^~^~~^~^~^~~jgs~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~~^~^~^~^~~^~^ * HOLIDAY PUN In 1912, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of Hellman's Mayonnaise for delivery to Vera Cruz, the next port of call after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known as Sinko de Mayo. (Archives) -<>- "Here at First National Bank and trust, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number." -<>- _|_ | _|_ //_/\ __| ||____ ////////////\ /////////////\\ |^^^^^^^^^^||+| | # # # |||| .... ....". ||||||||||||||||| unknown >Top Seven Church Oxymorons 7. Brief meeting 6. Preacher's day off 5. Early sign up 4. Clear calendar 3. Volunteer waiting list 2. Realistic budget 1. Concluding remarks -<>- ___ /_\_\ |;-^-'| ; ._ d - j :. ,<%@. |-_-| / \ {_ _,l ___/\_ _/\_ \,< ___ <~L~>\. /___\_\'/_/_`-.( `___\ \ - |` /___ \ \|/|po /||_/-___L":--;" L _ \ \ |o|LY| |(n==\^\^''--`-,-_ [-><-]=3 || ^;| |`\ _')>\ /<__/\ |< !c)|o ; |;| "| _' \ \/ /po | |- | | ; ' |,-. |.V \/ |LY | |\__, _L |o : | / \ \||\ |o^ ^| | _|/| / _\__ : / 7 '<|`. | | | / |L/ < /\: | Y \ | \|' | | | |/ /_ | | | | \| A|. | | /| |/|PO| | || | | |V| | | || |<|LY| | || | |,| | |_ | / | | ^^ | | | | | |____| |" | | | | | | | | |#^' |4 \ | | | | | | |,| | |%_| | | |m | A \ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | / | / | | \ || | | | | | | / /| |__| || | | l | | |> / / | | \___/|_A_| | | | | / / | | | | || |m1a >The Husband Shopping Center There was a "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor: The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids". The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go. Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". Hummm, say the girls but, I wonder what's further up? Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework". "WOW!" say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go. Fourth Floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak". "Oh mercy me, But just think! What must be awaiting us further up!" So, up to the fifth floor they go. Fifth floor: The sign on the door said "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit the building and have a nice day". -<>- ( ) |\ _,--------._ / | | `.,' `. / | ` ' ,-' ' \/_ _ ( / (,-.`. ,',-.`. `__,' |/#\ ),-','#\`= ,'.` | `._/) -'.\_,' ) ))| / (_.)\ . -'// ( /\____/\ ) )`'\ \ |V----V|| ' , \ |`- -- -' ,' \ \ _____ ___ | .' \ \ `._,-' `- `.__,`---^---' \ ` -' -.______ \ . / ______,- `. ,' ap A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Gates of Heaven; others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into a burning pit of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him (or her) to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him and he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, there, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah", Satan said with a grin. "They are people from North Carolina; they're still too wet to burn!" -<>- Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind." Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded. The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground. Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?" Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year." -<>- ,"=-. / _),`'". ( /a( ), ) ) C = = ?/ ( )) (_ o-< ) ( `-' \; ( \_ ( | \ ) )| \_/} \ \ \(_;/-|_) )/) `._,--/ / / `!__!! ( (_o)) ---`-._, )--- ------( / |---- | ( | :__/|\_; \ |/ )(\_ /_)--` gpyy \_! The Images of a Mother: ----------------------- 4 YEAR OLD: My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEAR OLD: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEAR OLD: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEAR OLD: Naturally, my Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEAR OLD: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEAR OLD: That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEAR OLD: Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEAR OLD: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEAR OLD: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it? 55 YEAR OLD: Wish I could talk it over with Mom... -<>- _ / } /'.\ _/ ) (`- ( ,) |/ /| ' ` Elb Here are some jewels from a book called "A Wife's Little Instruction Book" by Diana Jordan and Paul Seaburn. Some kind soul gave it to my wife. Men like dogs better than they like women because a dog is happy when men leave the toilet seat up. Most men feel that if God had wanted us to use tissues, She wouldn't have given them fingers. A man hates it when a woman cries because he's afraid he's to blame. And he's right. There's a commercial where guys sit around drinking beer, cleaning fish, and wiping their noses on their sleeves. That's not a commercial. That's a *warning.* Don't let a man go alone to pick out an engagement ring. He'll do something stupid, like pick one he can afford. When you want your husband to play with you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure, it's uncomfortable, but it makes you look just like his remote control. -<>- The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..." - Isaac Asimov -<>- _.,_ ,-'.' .`-, ;; '. ' `. ;` - _ _,-; ' ; `. ,% .-, - *click* ,_.,-'` ';; ; : ;%' | | \ ___ _._,-`'\ `'-`' _.,' `. ) __,--`-,,`' ,._,.-`-., _.,-.--.-,`''` | _| |__ `---'////\ / .-, `-`-^--`'^`-...,,| | |.,/ //\)(/ `-\.-. | `-' ( .-; | | ,. `-~ ~~-. `._.' ,/ / `~ ~~~ ~~ /,.`) // / /_ `/ ( `/ `-' mic >The 5 stages of drunkenness Stage 1 - "SMART" This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "SMART". Stage 2 - "GOOD LOOKING" This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still "SMART", so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - "RICH" This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still "SMART", so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are "RICH". You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the "BEST LOOKING" person in the world. Stage 4 - "BULLET PROOF" You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are "SMART", you are "RICH" and heck, you're "BETTER LOOKING" than they are anyway! Stage 5 - "INVISIBLE" This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still "SMART" you know all the words. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Dollar Art 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dollarart2.html Humor With Mailboxes! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mailboxhumor.html Got A Nanosecond 6? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nano6.html Kids Being Kids 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kids3.html Ironic, Isn't It 2? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/irony2.html Underwater Life of Eilat! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/underwater.html Only ONE Job 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/onejob2.html Maxine Humor 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxinehumor2.html Men Will Be Boys! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menboys.html Old Trains And Cars! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trainsandcars.html There's Something About Mona! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/monalisa.html Humor With Cars! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/carhumor.html Humorous Signs 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hsigns2.html Morons at Work 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mwork3.html Extreme Rednecks! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eredneck.html USA Of Crazy Laws! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/uscrazylaws.html JUDY - POW WAR DOG HERO! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/judywardog.html MILITARY WWII POSTERS! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/militarywwii.html For V-E Day: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/911andtroopsindex.html Mom And Dads INDEX: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/momsanddadsindex.html -<>- How to Become a Christian - How to Get Born Again / How to Get Saved / Romans 10:9 & 10 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMzblR8YDQ0 Bible https://quod.lib.umich.edu/k/kjv/ -<>- >From Our Friend Cloie :) MUSIC - Just click on the year & listen to your favorite English songs from 1951 to 2015. http://thenostalgiamachine.com/ --- ...What a fun one! Thanks Cloie! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are gong to enroll him in anger management classes." -Jay Leno "Health officials in California are warning that teenagers are trying to get drunk by drinking hand sanitizer. Yeah, it's weird when you're like, 'I got so wasted last night - I must've had like, six squirts of Purell.'" -Jimmy Fallon "I have to admit I feel a bond with Edgar Allan Poe. He lived in Scotland. I lived in Scotland. He drank. I drank. He shaped the world with his work. I drank." -Craig Ferguson "Today is the 20th annual Bring Your Child to Work Day. It's a great opportunity to show your kids why you come home so miserable every day." -Jimmy Kimmel "Last week, a hunter in Kansas shot his friend twice because he mistakenly thought he was a turkey. After the first shot, the guy said he wasn't a turkey. But, come on, that's exactly what a turkey would have said." -Jimmy Fallon "Scientists are saying that the triceratops may never have existed. Next will be the brontosaurus and the stegosaurus and the next thing you know, my pajamas are covered in lies." -Craig Ferguson "Today is the 20th annual Bring Your Child to Work Day. It's a great opportunity to show your kids why you come home so miserable every day." -Jimmy Kimmel "You know what Portland has lot of? Microbreweries. I think they are like regular breweries, but only serve midgets." -Craig Ferguson "A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, 'Cool, I saved $380 this year!'" -Jimmy Fallon >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah, Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $35 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all web site list readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe **********************************************************************