Mule, Monkey, Man, Daffynitions And More... :) Shangy!
>Here are the details on our ShangyFunList:
Group Web Site:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html
Group email address:
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
Shangrala Family Fun:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/
================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here...
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!!
AND For Facebook Users:
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AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family!
^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU!
================
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* Don't forget to follow us on social media for our latest updates
and uproarious funny and inspiring pages!
On Facebook:
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================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
Our too hot to handle new page is from our friend KarenF.
God gave us such a wonderful variety on this earth. This
page gives us more of what we may have never seen before.
Be sure to check this astounding one out here:
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Bizarre Nature 4!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bizarrenature4.html
---
...Most Amazing! Thanks KarenF!
Our sizzling hot new page is from our friends Linda and
Geniann. As much as we love our fur babies, it is good
to know how much we can expect from them. Some dogs are
easier to train than others, but they are all close to
our hearts. Visit here and see just how smart your
canine buddy is.
__
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How Smart Is Your Dog?
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/smartdogs.html
---
...This is pretty spot on! Thanks Ladies!
========================================================
>-->From AJokeADay:
__________
/________ /|
| XII | |
| | |
|IX .* III| |
| .' \ | |
|'___VI___| |
| \ | |
| \ | |
| \ | | -|- | /` |/ -|- | /` |/
| ( )| | | | \, |\ | | \, |\
ejm |_________|/
My wife complained that the kitchen clock had nearly killed
her mother, as it fell off the wall seconds after where she
had been sitting underneath it.
That darn clock has always been slow.
-<>-
A lawyer calls a plumber for help.
The plumber assesses the situation and says, "I can fix it
today for $800."
The lawyer, surprised, asks, "How long will it take?"
The plumber replies, "I'll need about an hour to get a part
from the supply house and another hour to do the repair."
The lawyer, smirking, says, "Two hours for $800? That's $400
per hour! I'm a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "Yes, I understand. That's why I
left my law practice."
-<>
There was a blonde, brunette and a red-head on a broken ship.
It takes two miles to get to shore, so the brunette swims 1
mile and drowns. The red-head swam 1 mile and got eaten by a
shark. Then the blonde swam 1 mile, got tired and swam back.
-<>-
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he
smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face.
Then two people die.
-<>-
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>5 Stages of Being Drunk
* Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to
anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
SMART.
* Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person
in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you
and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this
person about any subject under the sun.
* Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an
armored truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you
are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
* Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART,
you are RICH and heck, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are
anyway!
* Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU.
You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy
because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still SMART you know all the words.
-<>-
_.-'`'-._
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jgs `-.....-A
#
#
>How It Happened... The Mule, the Monkey & The Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will
work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on
your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will
live for 50 years."
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The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much.
Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will
hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be
his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live
for 25 years."
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The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that
is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You
shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will
be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
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The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of
the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only
rational being that walks the earth. You will use your
intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world.
You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
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The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused,
the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey
rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and
live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on
his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a
dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they
empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a
monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so.
========================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
July 22 is Hammock Day and Ratcatcher’s Day
July 23 is Picnic Table Day and Vanilla Ice Cream Day
July 24 is Amelia Earhart Day, Cousins Day, National Drive-Thru
Day, National Tequila Day and Tell an Old Joke Day
July 25 is Culinarians Day, National Carousel Day, National Chili
Dog Day and Threading the Needle Day
July 26 is All or Nothing Day, Aunt and Uncle Day, Summer Olympics
2024, System Administrator Appreciation Day and World Tofu Day
July 27 is National Day of the Cowboy, National Love is Kind
Day, Take Your Houseplants for a Walk, Take Your Pants for a
Walk Day and Walk on Stilts Day
July 28 is Buffalo Soldiers Day, National Milk Chocolate Day,
National Waterpark Day and Parent’s Day
========================================================
>-->From Mikey'sFunnies:
_*_ ....iiooiioo
__/_|_\__
[(o)_R_(o)] fe
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser
with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's
radio telling them to disperse some people who were
loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window
and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting
puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first
official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and
asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this
was a bus stop."
-<>-
The lottery is the best kind of tax ever conceived:
It taxes only the willing.
-<>-
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BP
>DAFFYNITIONS
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize: What a crook sees with
Control: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty: How golfers create divots
Paradox: two physicians
Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: a helper on the farm
Polarize: what penguins see with
Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife
Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does
-<>-
The other day I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
-<>-
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After dinner, the children turned to Jacob and asked if he
would tell them a story.
"A story about what?" asked Jacob.
"About a giant," squealed the children.
Jacob smiled, leaned against the warm stones at the side
of the fireplace, and his voice turned softly inward.
"Once there was a boy who asked his father to take him to
see the great parade that passed through the village. The
father, remembering the parade from when he was a boy,
quickly agreed, and the next morning the boy and his
father set out together.
"As they approached the parade route, people started to push
in from all sides, and the crowd grew thick. When the people
along the way became almost a wall; the father lifted his
son and placed him on his shoulders.
"Soon the parade began and as it passed, the boy kept
telling his father how wonderful it was and how spectacular
were the colors and images. The boy, in fact, grew so
prideful of what he saw that he mocked those who saw less
saying, to his father, 'If only you could see what I see.'"
"But," said Jacob staring straight in the faces of the
children, "what the boy did not look at was why he could see.
What the boy forgot was that once his father, too, could see."
Then as if he had finished the story, Jacob stopped speaking.
"Is that it?" said a disappointed girl. "We thought you were
going to tell us a story about a giant."
"But I did," said Jacob. "I told you a story about a boy who
could have been a giant."
"How?" squealed the children.
"A giant," said Jacob, "is anyone who remembers we are all
sitting on someone else's shoulders."
"And what does it make us if we don't remember?" asked the boy.
"A burden," answered Jacob.
-<>-
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The
guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly
threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a
coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot
farther in those days."
-<>-
The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.
-<>-
Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.
The head nurse brought them out for my husband to see. He could
hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket
wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.
He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and
believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them, the
nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those
babies. You aren't sterile!!"
Without missing a beat, my husband retorted "Obviously, I'm not
sterile!"
-<>-
The reason some people want cremation is it’s their last chance
to have a smoking hot body.
========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
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>SMILES
An American football coach walked into the locker room before
a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not
supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need
you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question,
and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and
asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to
this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got
it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming...
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"
-----------
I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company
the other day.
It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on
the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up
and redial."
------------
Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the
country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were
limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young
nephew, Little Johnny.
When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny
Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to
present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed
with his head bowed.
Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Abner.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny.
"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner.
"Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny.
------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
------------
My aunt learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking.
She gave him a vacuum.
------------
When the store manager returned from lunch, he was surprised to
see that his clerk's hand was bandaged.
Before having the chance to ask him what had happened, the clerk
had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that horribly,
ugly suit we've had for so long."
"Are you referring to that repulsive orange and brown, double-
breasted thing?" asked the manager.
"That's the one, sir," replied the clerk.
"That's great!" exclaimed the manager. "I was afraid we'd never
get rid of that horrid monstrosity! That had to have been the
ugliest suit we've ever had! But, tell me, why is your hand
bandaged?"
"Oh, that," the clerk replied. "Well, after I sold the guy the
suit, his darn guide dog bit me!"
------------
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just
laughed and laughed... I need bail money.
-----------
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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-
law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs.
awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she
insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and
started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp,
they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed
up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion
stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into
this mess, let him get himself out of it."
-----------
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate
for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to
open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing
red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to
himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation
hit him. "What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and
examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the
end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like
more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your
driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran
off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
------------
A couple hasn't been getting along for years, so the husband
thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
You can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't
get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"
He says, "Why should I? You didn't use what I got you last year."
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
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|__|__|
(__|__)
>THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what the heck is this?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... you know the thing.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
Could you stop that darn thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off.
What for goodness sake is this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
I sure wish I had my glasses.
Well folks, this will be a learning experiment for us all.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
What do you mean he wasn't in for a gender change?!
Anyone see where I left my scalpel?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
What do you mean you want a divorce?!
I really shouldn't be operating right now. I get mad to
the gills every time I think about the stuff my kid
pulls and I'm thinking of some really crappy things he
did right now.
---
...LMAO! Thanks LouiseAu!
========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
.-""""-.
|== ==|-.
|~~ ~~~|`\\
|LILILI| ||
| |//
| |/
| |
jgs __|______|__
[____________]
>Gas Pump Habits That Are Costing You Money
These gas pump habits may seem harmless, but they're likely
costing you money every time you fill up.
* Topping Off
One of the most common and costly mistakes at the gas pump is
topping off your tank. Over-fueling can harm your engine and
reduce its performance. Modern gas stations have vapor
recovery systems designed to absorb excess gas released when
the tank is full, so topping off is not only unnecessary but
also detrimental.
* Fueling on the Wrong Day
Gas prices vary throughout the week, typically being cheaper
at the beginning of the week and more expensive on weekends.
To save money, plan to fuel up early in the week rather than
waiting until Friday or Saturday.
* Not Choosing the Cheapest Station
Convenience often leads people to the nearest gas station, but
this can mean missing out on better prices elsewhere. Utilize
gas price apps and websites to find the cheapest gas in your
area, potentially saving you a significant amount over time.
* Ignoring Loyalty Programs
Many major gas chains, such as Circle K, Exxon Mobil, and Shell,
offer fuel reward programs that provide discounts and savings.
Regularly fueling up at the same station? Consider joining their
loyalty program to benefit from these savings.
* Opting for Premium Gasoline
Despite its higher cost, premium gasoline rarely provides
additional benefits for most vehicles. According to the Federal
Trade Commission, drivers wasted over $2 billion on premium
gasoline in 2015. Stick to regular gasoline unless your car
specifically requires premium.
* Neglecting Tire Inflation
Properly inflated tires can significantly improve your gas
mileage. While inflating tires at a gas station might cost a
small fee, the savings on fuel due to better mileage are worth
it. Make it a habit to check your tire pressure regularly when
you fuel up.
* Not Using a Rewards Credit Card
Many credit cards offer perks like cash back on gas purchases.
Check your credit card's rewards program and make sure you're
maximizing your savings by using a card that offers benefits
for gas station purchases.
>Additional Tips to Save Money on Fuel
* Drive Smoothly
Aggressive driving, such as rapid acceleration and braking,
can lower your gas mileage by up to 33% on highways and 5% in
cities. Maintain a steady speed and anticipate traffic to
improve your fuel efficiency.
* Reduce Idle Time
Idling consumes fuel without getting you anywhere. If you
expect to be stopped for more than a minute, turn off your
engine. Modern vehicles are designed to handle frequent
restarts with minimal wear.
* Lighten Your Load
Extra weight in your vehicle can reduce fuel economy. Clear
out unnecessary items from your trunk and interior. Every
100 pounds of extra weight can reduce your miles per gallon
by about 1%.
* Use Cruise Control
When driving on highways, use cruise control to maintain a
constant speed. This can help you save fuel by avoiding
unnecessary acceleration and deceleration.
* Plan Efficient Routes
Combine errands into one trip to reduce the amount of
driving you do. Using GPS navigation can help you find the
most efficient routes, avoiding traffic and unnecessary
detours.
* Monitor Fuel Prices
Stay informed about fuel price trends in your area. Some gas
stations offer lower prices during specific times of the day
or week. Planning your fuel stops accordingly can result in
significant savings.
* Consider Carpooling or Ride-Sharing
Carpooling with colleagues or using ride-sharing services can
split fuel costs and reduce the wear and tear on your vehicle.
It's also a more environmentally friendly option.
* Maintain Your Vehicle
Regular maintenance, such as oil changes, air filter
replacements, and spark plug inspections, can keep your engine
running efficiently. A well-maintained engine uses fuel more
effectively and reduces emissions.
* Use Apps for Discounts
There are numerous apps available that offer discounts and
rewards for fuel purchases. Apps like GasBuddy, Upside, and Gas
Guru can help you find the best deals and earn rewards for your
purchases.
By being mindful of your gas pump habits and incorporating
these additional tips, you can maximize your fuel savings and
reduce your overall transportation costs. Small changes in
your fueling routine and driving behavior can lead to
significant savings over time.
========================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
President Donald J. Trump
https://www.donaldjtrump.com/
Tucker Carlson On Rumble
https://rumble.com/c/TuckerCarlson
Latest Eric Bolling:
https://ericbolling.com/
Latest From Hannity:
https://hannity.com/
Latest From American Action News:
https://americanactionnews.com/
Latest From Reliable News:
https://reliablenewsnow.com/
Latest From Newsmax:
https://www.newsmax.com/
Latest From Expose:
https://expose-news.com/
Latest From Billings Report:
https://billingsreport.com/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://greatergood.com/clicktogive/ggc/home
-<>-
>From Archives BizarreNews:
The zoo is an exciting place. It might not smell very nice,
but where else can you mingle with and learn about such a
wide diversity of species? Because if a zoo is anything it
is educational. Or else why would we capture and lock up a
bunch of dumb, innocent animals in an environment that's
completely alien to them? It's so you don't have to spend
$2,000 and take 2 weeks out of your life to fly to India
just to see an elephant. But the animals know they're not
supposed to be there and a lot of them are pissed off about
it. Which is why you should avoid doing EXACTLY what this
woman did at a zoo in Arizona.
A woman who has only been identified by the name 'Leanne'
was attacked by a jaguar when she got a little too close
to the predator's cage.
In case just looking at the inky black, 140 pound bundle
of muscle and teeth wasn't enough, the cat's enclosure is
separated from the public by a healthy safety margin and
a waist-high fence. But none of this was a deterrent to
Leanne who "crossed over the barrier" in order to get a
selfie with the animal, according to a statement from the
zoo.
One of the female jaguars latched onto her arm, mangling it
up pretty good before someone distracted the cat with a
plastic water bottle, of all things. Leanne was transported
to a local hospital where she was treated for non-life
threatening injuries.
"I was in the wrong for leaning over the barrier, but I do
think that maybe the zoo should look into moving their
fence back," Leanne was reported saying. "I'm not the first,
and if they don't move the fence I'm probably not going to
be the last," she added.
There was no mention how the photo turned out.
*--- Ohio Man Goes on Beer-Only Diet for Lent ---*
An Ohio man is taking inspiration from the monks of
yesteryear with his unusual Lent fast: Giving up all food
and drinks except for beer. And you thought people
hundreds of years ago were stupid. Del Hall, who works at
the Fifty West brewery in Dayton, said he will not eat or
drink anything except beer for all 46 days of Lent. Hall
said he was inspired by monks from the 1600s, who would
make a special bock beer for Lent. "Being master brewers,
they decided they would take a popular style of beer in
Germany, bock beer, make it extra hearty and that would be
their liquid bread and that's what they call it," Hall told
local news. Hall said he is altering the monks' tradition
by including all types of beer in his fast. "I've done big
challenges but this seems very daunting," Hall said. "So
I'm just curious if I'm up to the challenge." Hall is
documenting his beer fast on his YouTube channel, where he
said he is already starting to see weight loss from the
unusual diet.
*--- Vermont Town Elects Goat Mayor ---*
A Vermont town is hailing the election of its unusual new
mayor: A 3-year-old Nubian goat named Lincoln. Town Manager
Joe Gunther said he decided to hold an election for an
animal mayor of Fair Haven, which does not have a human
mayor, as a means of raising money to replace a school
playground. Residents were given the chance to nominate
their pets for the mayoral office in exchange for a $5
donation toward the playground cause. Lincoln bested the
second-place finisher, a dog named Sammie, by only two votes.
Gunther said Lincoln will be sworn into office at a Select
Board meeting Tuesday. He said she will serve a one-year
term with duties including marching in the Memorial Day
parade. He said the election turned into an educational
opportunity for the town's children. "Originally we did it
as a fundraiser to replace the playground behind the school,
but it really turned into a small civic lesson for the
children. 'Come out and vote. Get involved in the town,'"
Gunter told the Burlington Free Press.
---
...Now we know
We were wondering how Biden and Fetterman got elected.
=========================================================
_
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>-->From CleanLaughs:
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland,
she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the
car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a
speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the
last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in
front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,
"Next time - you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
-<>-
In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a
red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring
her dog in for a proper fit.
"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater
is going to be a surprise!"
-<>-
Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom,
just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful
years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the
back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best
teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-
restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other
qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single."
-<>-
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and
regulations that customs officials must follow. But when
it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting
a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these
allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your
honor."
-<>-
'puppy'"
\
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I recently picked up a book called "The Life and Times of
the Thunderbolt Kid" which is roughly an autobiography of
the author, Bill Bryson, but is more specifically a look
at what life was like growing up in the midwest in the
1950s. Following is a hilarious excerpt...
Most things that were supposed to be fun turned out not to
be fun at all. Model making, for instance. Making models
was reputed to be hugely enjoyable but it was really just
a mysterious ordeal that you had to go through from time
to time as part of the boyhood process. The model kits
looked fun. The illustrations on the boxes portrayed
beautifully detailed fighter planes belching red-and-yellow
flames from their wing guns and engaged in lively dogfights.
In the background there was always a stricken Messerschmitt
spiraling to earth. You couldn't wait to re-create such
lively scenes in three dimensions.
But when you got the kit home and opened the box the contents
turned out to be of a uniform leaden gray or olive green,
consisting of perhaps sixty thousand tiny parts, some no
larger than a proton, all attached in some organic,
inseparable way to plastic stalks like swizzle sticks. The
tubes of glue by contrast were the size of large pastry
tubes. No matter how gently you depressed them they would
blurp out a pint or so of a clear viscous goo whose one
instinct was to attach itself to some foreign object--a human
finger; the living room drapes, the fur of a passing animal--
and become an infinitely long string.
Any attempt to break the string resulted in the creation of
more strings. Within moments you would be attached to
hundreds of sagging strands, all connected to something that
had nothing to do with model airplanes or World War II. The
only thing the glue wouldn't stick to, interestingly, was a
piece of plastic model; then it just became a slippery
lubricant that allowed any two pieces of model to glide
endlessly over each other; never drying. The upshot was that
after about forty minutes of intensive but troubled endeavor
you and your immediate surroundings were covered in a
glistening spider web of glue at the heart of which was a
gray fuselage with one wing on upside down and a pilot
accidentally but irremediable attached by his flying cap to
the cockpit ceiling. Happily by this point you were so high
on the glue that you didn't give a shoot about the pilot,
the model, or anything else.
-<>-
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students
that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about
Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what they
had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't
know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that,
Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down
the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of
us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn
how to drive?'"
=========================================================
>-->From JokeCentral:
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(ooO Ooo)
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is
teaching new parents how to care for their
infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a
young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You
mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another
mother said anxiously.
"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
-<>-
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>The Wise Old Farmer...
Needing a new truck, a farmer went to town to buy
one he had seen advertised by a dealer in a local
paper. He told the salesman which truck he was
interested in and they sat down to do the
necessary paperwork. When he was handed the bill,
the farmer protested that it was not the price
that had been advertised. But the salesman swept
his concerns aside, explaining all the extras--
power steering, power brakes, special tires
and much more. The farmer needed the truck so
badly that he finally agreed to the price.
A few months later, the truck salesman called the
farmer and explained that his son was in 4-H and
needed a cow for a project. The farmer said he
had several cows he could sell at $500; the salesman
and his son could have their pick.
After looking over the herd, the two made their
choice and the salesman began to write out a
check for $500. But the farmer held him off,
saying there were certain extras that figured
into the final cost. With that, he presented the
following bill:
Basic Cow $500
Two-tone exterior $ 45
Extra stomach $ 75
Product storing equipment $ 60
Straw compartment $120
4 spigots@ $10 ea $ 40
Leather upholstery $125
Dual horns $ 45
Automatic fly swatter $ 38
Fertilizer attachment $185
GRAND TOTAL $1,233
-<>-
We must open the doors of opportunity. But we
must also equip our people to walk through
those doors.
- Lyndon B. Johnson
-<>-
A friend of mine is an officer in the naval
reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a
conference that included admirals in both the US
and the French navies. At a cocktail reception,
my friend found himself in a small group that
included an admiral from each of the two navies.
The French admiral started complaining that
whereas Europeans learned many languages,
Americans only learned English.
He then asked. "Why is it that we have to
speak English in these conferences rather
than you have to speak French?"
Without even hesitating, the American admiral
replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it
so that you did not have to learn to speak
German."
The group became silent.
-<>-
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Early in my flying career, I had my first night
flight. Looking down into the darkness, I asked
my instructor what we would do if the engine
failed.
"Get the plane gliding in a controlled descent,"
he said, "then attempt to restart the engine and
make a 'Mayday' call. The only difference between
day and night flying is that the terrain below
will not be clearly visible, so you should point
the aircraft toward whatever looks like a clear
area and it should be pointing into the wind."
"Then what?" I asked.
"Conserve your battery, so don't turn on your
landing lights until you're close to the ground.
If you like what you see, land."
"Okay, but what if I don't like what I see?"
My instructor gave me a compassionate look inside
that dim cockpit, then said softly, "Turn off the
landing lights."
-<>-
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>Why Do We Need Friends?
We need friends for many reasons,
all throughout the four seasons.
We need friends to comfort us when we are sad,
and to have fun with us when we are glad.
We need friends to give us good advice.
We need someone we can count on to treat us nice.
We need friends because we are social in nature
and having friends makes us feel secure.
We need friends to remember us once we have passed
sharing memories that will always last.
That's why I need YOU!
-<>-
The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and
extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose
for one last try at a no-alimony settlement.
"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his
wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love
to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on
the day in question, he was only opening the door for her
out of chivalry."
"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce
and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely.
I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for
your client opening that car door - while he was driving
down the freeway at 65 mph."
-<>-
Sam and Morris were both fanatics about deep sea fishing.
Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the
other big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish
they caught.
So Sam comes back from his latest fishing trip, and
tells Morris, "You wouldn't believe, but in da Bahamas
I caught a 500 pound herring."
Morris says... A 500 pound herring? Well that's nothing,
last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old
lantern from a sunken Spanish ship . . . and da candle
was still burning! "
They both looked at each other, knowing that the other
was lying.
Finally, Morris said to Sam... "Look Sam, if you take
450 pounds from off your herring I'll blow out my candle!"
-<>-
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>One-Liners:
"My husband said he needed more space. So I
locked him outside." -Roseanne
"I come from family where gravy is considered a
beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"I wanted to make it really special on
Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And
for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted
on TV." -Tracy Smith
"I took my parents back to the airport today.
They leave tomorrow." -Margaret Smith
"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't
know what a millionaire looks like."
-Phyllis Diller
"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be
praying, but when God talks to us we're
schizophrenic?" -Lily Tomlin
"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last
stage of your life when you will be happy to hear
the phone is for you." -Fran Lebowitz
"I know what men want. Men want to be really,
really close to someone who will leave them
alone." -Elayne Boosler
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not
married, have a job, not have a job, be married
with children, unmarried with children. Men have
the same choice we've always had: work, or
prison." -Tim Allen
"I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was
bringing home $450,000 a week." -Joel Lindley
"Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything."
-Tim Allen
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's
important to remember that apparently, by
elimination, dishonesty is the second-best
policy." -George Carlin
"Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of
them would have seen it." -Daniel Lybra
"I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las
Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right
into the propeller." -Henny Youngman
"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have
given us candidates." -Jay Leno
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck.
But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
-Steven Wright
"New York is an exciting town where something is
happening all the time, most of it unsolved."
-Johnny Carson
"Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by
the police, please put your video camera down and
help me." -Bobcat Goldthwait
"When I go to a restaurant I always ask the
manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
-Henny Youngman
"I find television very educational. Every time
someone turns on the set, I go into the other
room and read a book." -Groucho Marx
"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The
woman knows." - Monica Piper
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the
nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
-Mike Binder
"Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing
my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription
ran out." -Steven Wright
"Having a male gynecologist is like going to an
auto mechanic who doesn't own a car."
-Carrie Snow
"I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast."
-Drew Carey
"Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in
love, though I've stepped in it a few times."
-Rita Rudner
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit
adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was
that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word
of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?" -Vicki Bacon
-<>-
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>ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK?
Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You
can't take your time.
Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?
Let's find out just how smart and clever you
really are. Ready? . GO!!!
FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person. What position are
you in?
ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then
you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the
second person and you take his place, you are
second! Try not to mess up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much
time as you took for the first question. (You
know you took too much time.)
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person,
then you are...?
ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to
last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can
you overtake the LAST person?!
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must
be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and
pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is
actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your
calculator! Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?
LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters:
Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the
fifth daughter?
ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not.
The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question
again.
You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!! Pass this along to
someone else who could stand a little fun and a
challenge today.
-<>-
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon
when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon
I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about
where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went
to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the
Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if
Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do
this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline
with me."
-<>-
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bug
Now What?
even on this day we need a little levity to go
with our prayers...
Dear Sirs:
I am writing to you for further instructions as
to the next step in protecting my family from
possible attacks by terrorists.
I have my duck taped... now what?
-<>-
Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and Trump meet up in Iran for
the first round of talks in a new peace process. Pres.
Trump lets him know how he feels about Iran's attacks on
America and Israel, that he must stop this or suffer dire
consequences. He calls for peace between them.
When Trump sits down, he notices three buttons on the side
of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Iran's leader presses the first
button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Trump in the face. Annoyed, Trump carries on talking
as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed.
This time a big boot comes out and kicks Trump in the
shin. Again Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, and again Trump carries
on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of
peace between the two countries. But when the third button
is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Trump square
in his (you know what),he's finally had enough.
I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iran
leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. "We'll finish these talks in
two weeks in Washington!"
A fortnight passes and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei flies to the
United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Ayatollah
Ali Khamenei notices three buttons on Pres.Trump's chair and
prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin
talking and Trump presses the first button. Ayatollah Ali
Khamenei ducks, but nothing happens.
Pres. Trump snickers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button.
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei jumps up, but again nothing happens.
Pres.Trump roars with laughter. When the third button is
pressed, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei jumps up again, but again
nothing happens.
Pres. Trump falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. "I'm going back
home to Iran!"
Pres.Trump George says through tears of laughter, "What
Home?"
-<>-
People will pay more to be entertained than
educated. - Johnny [John William] Carson
-<>-
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as
usual, but this 1 particular Sunday, it was
considerably longer than normal.
Later, at the door, shaking hands with
parishioners as they moved out, one man said,
"Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so
invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."
The minister of course, broke out in a big smile,
only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new
man when I woke up!"
-<>-
(\
(\_\_^__o
___ `-'/ `_/
'`--\______/ |
' / |
mic ` . ' `-`/.------'\^-'
>Excerpts from A Dog's Diary:
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Houses Of Power!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/housesofpower.html
Humorous Boat Names!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/boatnames.html
Dogs In Shopping Carts!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogcart.html
Extraordinary Photos 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/extraordinary2.html
3D Chalk Art 8!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart8.html
Wedding Fails!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/weddingfails.html
Old Trains And Cars!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trainsandcars.html
Nap Time!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/naptime.html
Thoughts Into Action 8!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/action8.html
Chainsaw Woodcarving 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woodcarving2.html
Amazing Blind Artist!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/blindartist.html
Tornado And Rainbow!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tornadoandrainbow.html
A Salute To Texas!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/salutetexas.html
Pan-Kun And James!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pan-kunandjames.html
Celebrity Private Jets!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrityjets.html
Humor With Golf!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/golfhumor.html
Men Will Be Boys!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menboys.html
Extreme Camping!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/camp.html
Extreme Rednecks!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eredneck.html
Luxury Golf Carts!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/golfcarts.html
Amazing Athlete Homes!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/athletehomes.html
Pay It Forward!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/payitforward.html
Old Barns, Old People, Old Friends!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/barns.html
SUMMER INDEX!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/summerindex.html
-<>-
How to Become a Christian - How to Get Born Again / How to Get Saved /
Romans 10:9 & 10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMzblR8YDQ0
Bible
https://quod.lib.umich.edu/k/kjv/
-<>-
Who Are the Richest People in Washington?
Once a government town, DC is now home to extreme wealth. Who the
billionaires are, how they live, and what it means for the rest of us.
https://tinyurl.com/y22aa8pw
Gone But Not Forgotten...
Rita Hayworth Is Stayin' Alive
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mz3CPzdCDws
The Oldest Man: The Doctor from The Carol Burnett Show
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-QqmJimv_U
Doris Day - Que Sera Sera
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc
Top 10 Elvis Presley Songs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzIMHk6Z2l8
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's
twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-
six, she's darn near forty." --Chris Rock
"My mother wanted me to go to church to meet women. That's
wrong, ain't it? 'Praise the Lord! Hey, how ya doing? Nice
dress. Look, I'm going to go over there and get some of
this wine and crackers, want some?'" --Warren Hutcherson
"We used to play spin the bottle a lot when I was a kid. A
girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it
stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret
"A company is trying to fund a new endeavor known as Uber
for Kids. So parents will soon be teaching their kids that
they shouldn't talk to strangers but they should get into
a car with them." -Conan O'Brien
"President Obama became the first sitting president to visit
a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance
to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many
former congressmen." -Jimmy Fallon
"The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don't
think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you
should talk to some of the members of the American team,
like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, and Allen Liu. And their
coach, Po-Shen Loh." -Seth Meyers
"A new study found that people with a lot of phobias are more
likely to have health problems. Or as those people put it,
'I was afraid of that.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive, so he had his
9-year-old daughter drive their van for him. Yeah. As he
was being arrested, he told the girl, 'I'm going to need a
lawyer. Go get your little brother.'" -Conan O'Brien
"We are in the worst drought in 56 years. That seems
unbelievably negative. Wouldn't that be the best drought?"
-Jimmy Kimmel
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah, Shangy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $35 will get your a message (of up to 40
words) out to all web site list readers.
Email me to secure dates.
Ad Request
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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