Mule, Monkey, Man, Daffynitions And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our ShangyFunList: Group Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: bcrsystems@earthlink.net Shangrala Family Fun: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! ================ __ __ ,-' `' \ _---``-- / _ _ ; __ `. / / `' \; /`----- ) / .-/ ,( ), \-. ; | \( \ / )/; | - _5 `7 -; / ( ___-' `-____ | ( ___`-_ \ ____| \ / `,/ \ _(\__ / \ \ ; \ .' /' `i. / | | \ _-'( _\__-/ `- | | ` ,` `_ | BP * Don't forget to follow us on social media for our latest updates and uproarious funny and inspiring pages! On Facebook: https://tinyurl.com/y8dcm8x7 On Twitter: http://tinyurl.com/n5uf3dxv ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our too hot to handle new page is from our friend KarenF. God gave us such a wonderful variety on this earth. This page gives us more of what we may have never seen before. Be sure to check this astounding one out here: ,,,, ,;) .';;;;', ;;,,_,-.-.,;;'_,|I\;;;/),,_ `';;/:|:);{ ;;;|| \;/ /;;;\__ L;/-';/ \;;\',/;\/;;;.') \ .:`''` - \;;'.__/;;;/ . _'-._ .'/ \ \;;;;;;/.'_7:. '). \_ .''/ | '._ );}{;//.' '-: '.,L .'. / \ ( |;;;/_/ \._./;\ _, . / |\ ( /;;/_/ ';;;\,;;_, . / )__(/;;/_/ (;;''''' / _;:':;;;;:';-._ ); / / \ `'` --.'-._ \/ .' '. ,' '-, / / r--,..__ '.\ .' ' .' '--._ ] ( :.(;> _ .' '- ;/ | /:;( ,_.';( __.' '- -'"|;:/ (;;;;-'--' |;/ ;;( snd '' /;;| \;;| \/ Bizarre Nature 4! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bizarrenature4.html --- ...Most Amazing! Thanks KarenF! Our sizzling hot new page is from our friends Linda and Geniann. As much as we love our fur babies, it is good to know how much we can expect from them. Some dogs are easier to train than others, but they are all close to our hearts. Visit here and see just how smart your canine buddy is. __ /\/'-, ,--''''' /" ____,'. ) \___ '"""""------'"""`-----' pb How Smart Is Your Dog? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/smartdogs.html --- ...This is pretty spot on! Thanks Ladies! ======================================================== >-->From AJokeADay: __________ /________ /| | XII | | | | | |IX .* III| | | .' \ | | |'___VI___| | | \ | | | \ | | | \ | | -|- | /` |/ -|- | /` |/ | ( )| | | | \, |\ | | \, |\ ejm |_________|/ My wife complained that the kitchen clock had nearly killed her mother, as it fell off the wall seconds after where she had been sitting underneath it. That darn clock has always been slow. -<>- A lawyer calls a plumber for help. The plumber assesses the situation and says, "I can fix it today for $800." The lawyer, surprised, asks, "How long will it take?" The plumber replies, "I'll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair." The lawyer, smirking, says, "Two hours for $800? That's $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!" The plumber nods and says, "Yes, I understand. That's why I left my law practice." -<> There was a blonde, brunette and a red-head on a broken ship. It takes two miles to get to shore, so the brunette swims 1 mile and drowns. The red-head swam 1 mile and got eaten by a shark. Then the blonde swam 1 mile, got tired and swam back. -<>- Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die. -<>- _.,_ ,-'.' .`-, ;; '. ' `. ;` - _ _,-; ' ; `. ,% .-, - *click* ,_.,-'` ';; ; : ;%' | | \ ___ _._,-`'\ `'-`' _.,' `. ) __,--`-,,`' ,._,.-`-., _.,-.--.-,`''` | _| |__ `---'////\ / .-, `-`-^--`'^`-...,,| | |.,/ //\)(/ `-\.-. | `-' ( .-; | | ,. `-~ ~~-. `._.' ,/ / `~ ~~~ ~~ /,.`) // / /_ `/ ( `/ `-' mic >5 Stages of Being Drunk * Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. * Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. * Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. * Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and heck, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! * Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words. -<>- _.-'`'-._ .-' _ '-. `-.__ `\_.-' | `-``\| jgs `-.....-A # # >How It Happened... The Mule, the Monkey & The Man God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." /\/\ / / / _/,/ / _/` (/"/////, ( '```--.___ /' _), ,- '-. /, / \ (\ \, \_()/ \) )' =_ )) | | | .// _/) ( ( \_ // / \ >_,\ (/)= / | | | \ #\| / |=| |=|\ ( ( (=> ( >( >),) | | |=| \ ( ( / / / / ) |/ \ /_( /_( , || )/.,_ ). /\\_(\,/, //- / /_(_( / ,\. b'ger .- '-'-'-,)\/.')) The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." _ /\,_/\| /==_ ( (Y_.) / /// U ) (__,_____) ) )' > `/ |._ _____ | | | ( \| ( | | | || | ,,-. ),)_/ ., ))_/,,.-,_ b'ger . ,-/,_ The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." __ / _,\ \_\ ,,,, _,_) # /) (= =)D__/ __/ // C/^__)/ _( ___// \_,/ -. '-._/,--' _\\_, / -//. \_ \_/ -,._ _ ) ) \/ / ) / / \-__,/ ( ( ( \.__,-)\_ )\_ / -( b'ger / -(//// //// The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." __)), //_ _) ( "\" \_-/ ,---/ '---. / - - \ / \_. _|__,/ \ / )\ )\_ \ / _/ ( ' ) / / / | (_____) | / /,' / \/ /, _/(_ ( ._, )-' `--,/ |____|__| | ) | | / | | / \ | / `| | _) | | | | | / \ | | | \ | | \ | \_ gnv /__( '-._`, The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so. ======================================================== +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ July 22 is Hammock Day and Ratcatcher’s Day July 23 is Picnic Table Day and Vanilla Ice Cream Day July 24 is Amelia Earhart Day, Cousins Day, National Drive-Thru Day, National Tequila Day and Tell an Old Joke Day July 25 is Culinarians Day, National Carousel Day, National Chili Dog Day and Threading the Needle Day July 26 is All or Nothing Day, Aunt and Uncle Day, Summer Olympics 2024, System Administrator Appreciation Day and World Tofu Day July 27 is National Day of the Cowboy, National Love is Kind Day, Take Your Houseplants for a Walk, Take Your Pants for a Walk Day and Walk on Stilts Day July 28 is Buffalo Soldiers Day, National Milk Chocolate Day, National Waterpark Day and Parent’s Day ======================================================== >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: _*_ ....iiooiioo __/_|_\__ [(o)_R_(o)] fe A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop." -<>- The lottery is the best kind of tax ever conceived: It taxes only the willing. -<>- &&& && && &&&&. &&& .&&&&& && &&& &&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&& & &` && && .&&&&& &&&; &8 .&&&: && &` & && 8&& & `& && && .&_ oO_&.-.-. && ( __ -/--' &&~ .'-__-'& &&&~`'\`& &&&~` _& &&&&` && &&8&&&& &&&&&&& & &&&&&&& &&;&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& ~~~ .~~~~~ `&&&&&&&&& ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~;!&&&&&&&&&&~/~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~\~~~~&/` \`~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ `~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ BP >DAFFYNITIONS Baloney: Where some hemlines fall Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize: What a crook sees with Control: A short, ugly inmate Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist Heroes: what a guy in a boat does Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot Misty: How golfers create divots Paradox: two physicians Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist: a helper on the farm Polarize: what penguins see with Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV Relief: what trees do in the spring Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does -<>- The other day I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had. -<>- .-. __/ ( , '-.____\ u=='/ \ /_/ \ .-'' | ( ____/_____ _>_/.-------- \/// // snd // After dinner, the children turned to Jacob and asked if he would tell them a story. "A story about what?" asked Jacob. "About a giant," squealed the children. Jacob smiled, leaned against the warm stones at the side of the fireplace, and his voice turned softly inward. "Once there was a boy who asked his father to take him to see the great parade that passed through the village. The father, remembering the parade from when he was a boy, quickly agreed, and the next morning the boy and his father set out together. "As they approached the parade route, people started to push in from all sides, and the crowd grew thick. When the people along the way became almost a wall; the father lifted his son and placed him on his shoulders. "Soon the parade began and as it passed, the boy kept telling his father how wonderful it was and how spectacular were the colors and images. The boy, in fact, grew so prideful of what he saw that he mocked those who saw less saying, to his father, 'If only you could see what I see.'" "But," said Jacob staring straight in the faces of the children, "what the boy did not look at was why he could see. What the boy forgot was that once his father, too, could see." Then as if he had finished the story, Jacob stopped speaking. "Is that it?" said a disappointed girl. "We thought you were going to tell us a story about a giant." "But I did," said Jacob. "I told you a story about a boy who could have been a giant." "How?" squealed the children. "A giant," said Jacob, "is anyone who remembers we are all sitting on someone else's shoulders." "And what does it make us if we don't remember?" asked the boy. "A burden," answered Jacob. -<>- A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days." -<>- The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice. -<>- Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for my husband to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them, the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!!" Without missing a beat, my husband retorted "Obviously, I'm not sterile!" -<>- The reason some people want cremation is it’s their last chance to have a smoking hot body. ======================================================== >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) __ .-'||'-. .' || '. / __||__ \ | /`- -`\ | | | 6 6 | | \/\____7___/\/ .--------:\:I:II:I:/;--------. / \`:I::I:`/ \ | `------' | | \____/ | | , __ ___ , | |======| / | / _ \ |======| |======| ^| | | | | | |======| |~~~~~| | | | |_| | |~~~~~| | |\ [___] \___/ /| | \ \| |/ / `\ \ _ _.-=""=-._ _ / /' `\ '`_)\\-++++-//(_`' /' jgs ; (__|| ||__) ; ; ___\ /___ ; '. ---/-=..=-\--- .' `""` `""` >SMILES An American football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming... "Come on coach, give him another chance!" ----------- I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day. It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial." ------------ Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny. When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Abner. "Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny. "Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner. "Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny. ------------ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." ------------ My aunt learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking. She gave him a vacuum. ------------ When the store manager returned from lunch, he was surprised to see that his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before having the chance to ask him what had happened, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that horribly, ugly suit we've had for so long." "Are you referring to that repulsive orange and brown, double- breasted thing?" asked the manager. "That's the one, sir," replied the clerk. "That's great!" exclaimed the manager. "I was afraid we'd never get rid of that horrid monstrosity! That had to have been the ugliest suit we've ever had! But, tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh, that," the clerk replied. "Well, after I sold the guy the suit, his darn guide dog bit me!" ------------ The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed... I need bail money. ----------- ,. ,_> `. ,'; ,-`' `' '`'._ ,,-) ---._ | .---''`-),. ,' `. \ ; / _,' `, ,--' ____ \ ' ,' ___ `-, _> /--. `-. .-'.--\ \__ '-, ( `. `.,`~ \~'-. ,' ,' ) _\ _> \ \ ,' ') ) `. / / <,. ,-' _, \ ,' ( / `. / `-, `-.,-' `.,' ` `.,' `\ ,-' ,' _ / ,,, ,,, \ `-. `-._ /-, ,' ; ' _ \ / _ ` ; `. `(`-\ /-, ; (o) (o) ; `'`, ,~-' ,-' \ ' ` / \ <_ /-. ,' \ / \ ,-' '`, ,' `-/ \-' `. `-. < /_ / / (_ _) \ \ `, `-._; ,' | .::.`-.-' :.. | `-. _\ _/ \ `:: ,^. :.:' / `. \,-' '`. ,-' /`-..-'-.-`-..-'\ `-. >_ / ; (\/( ' )\/) ; `-. _< ,-' `. \`-^^^-'/ ,' \ _< `-, ,' `. `"""""' ,' `-. <`' ') `._.,,_.' \ ,-' '._ '`'`' \ < > ,' , `-. <`' `,/ \ ,-` `, ,' | / / '; / ; ( _)| ` ( `') .-' <_ \ / hjw \ /\( `;/ ` A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." ----------- A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. ------------ A couple hasn't been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?" He says, "Why should I? You didn't use what I got you last year." --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- ,''@, |.~.| : - : \-/ .-|\_/)-. / | Y -- \ / /\o /\ \ \ \_|___|_/ / \_/ \_/ | _ | | | | ( | ) | | | Sher^ | | | |__|__| (__|__) >THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what the heck is this? Hand me that... uh... that uh... you know the thing. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before? Could you stop that darn thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off. What for goodness sake is this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop. I sure wish I had my glasses. Well folks, this will be a learning experiment for us all. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. What do you mean he wasn't in for a gender change?! Anyone see where I left my scalpel? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? What do you mean you want a divorce?! I really shouldn't be operating right now. I get mad to the gills every time I think about the stuff my kid pulls and I'm thinking of some really crappy things he did right now. --- ...LMAO! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================== >-->From HandyHints: .-""""-. |== ==|-. |~~ ~~~|`\\ |LILILI| || | |// | |/ | | jgs __|______|__ [____________] >Gas Pump Habits That Are Costing You Money These gas pump habits may seem harmless, but they're likely costing you money every time you fill up. * Topping Off One of the most common and costly mistakes at the gas pump is topping off your tank. Over-fueling can harm your engine and reduce its performance. Modern gas stations have vapor recovery systems designed to absorb excess gas released when the tank is full, so topping off is not only unnecessary but also detrimental. * Fueling on the Wrong Day Gas prices vary throughout the week, typically being cheaper at the beginning of the week and more expensive on weekends. To save money, plan to fuel up early in the week rather than waiting until Friday or Saturday. * Not Choosing the Cheapest Station Convenience often leads people to the nearest gas station, but this can mean missing out on better prices elsewhere. Utilize gas price apps and websites to find the cheapest gas in your area, potentially saving you a significant amount over time. * Ignoring Loyalty Programs Many major gas chains, such as Circle K, Exxon Mobil, and Shell, offer fuel reward programs that provide discounts and savings. Regularly fueling up at the same station? Consider joining their loyalty program to benefit from these savings. * Opting for Premium Gasoline Despite its higher cost, premium gasoline rarely provides additional benefits for most vehicles. According to the Federal Trade Commission, drivers wasted over $2 billion on premium gasoline in 2015. Stick to regular gasoline unless your car specifically requires premium. * Neglecting Tire Inflation Properly inflated tires can significantly improve your gas mileage. While inflating tires at a gas station might cost a small fee, the savings on fuel due to better mileage are worth it. Make it a habit to check your tire pressure regularly when you fuel up. * Not Using a Rewards Credit Card Many credit cards offer perks like cash back on gas purchases. Check your credit card's rewards program and make sure you're maximizing your savings by using a card that offers benefits for gas station purchases. >Additional Tips to Save Money on Fuel * Drive Smoothly Aggressive driving, such as rapid acceleration and braking, can lower your gas mileage by up to 33% on highways and 5% in cities. Maintain a steady speed and anticipate traffic to improve your fuel efficiency. * Reduce Idle Time Idling consumes fuel without getting you anywhere. If you expect to be stopped for more than a minute, turn off your engine. Modern vehicles are designed to handle frequent restarts with minimal wear. * Lighten Your Load Extra weight in your vehicle can reduce fuel economy. Clear out unnecessary items from your trunk and interior. Every 100 pounds of extra weight can reduce your miles per gallon by about 1%. * Use Cruise Control When driving on highways, use cruise control to maintain a constant speed. This can help you save fuel by avoiding unnecessary acceleration and deceleration. * Plan Efficient Routes Combine errands into one trip to reduce the amount of driving you do. Using GPS navigation can help you find the most efficient routes, avoiding traffic and unnecessary detours. * Monitor Fuel Prices Stay informed about fuel price trends in your area. Some gas stations offer lower prices during specific times of the day or week. Planning your fuel stops accordingly can result in significant savings. * Consider Carpooling or Ride-Sharing Carpooling with colleagues or using ride-sharing services can split fuel costs and reduce the wear and tear on your vehicle. It's also a more environmentally friendly option. * Maintain Your Vehicle Regular maintenance, such as oil changes, air filter replacements, and spark plug inspections, can keep your engine running efficiently. A well-maintained engine uses fuel more effectively and reduces emissions. * Use Apps for Discounts There are numerous apps available that offer discounts and rewards for fuel purchases. Apps like GasBuddy, Upside, and Gas Guru can help you find the best deals and earn rewards for your purchases. By being mindful of your gas pump habits and incorporating these additional tips, you can maximize your fuel savings and reduce your overall transportation costs. Small changes in your fueling routine and driving behavior can lead to significant savings over time. ======================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: President Donald J. Trump https://www.donaldjtrump.com/ Tucker Carlson On Rumble https://rumble.com/c/TuckerCarlson Latest Eric Bolling: https://ericbolling.com/ Latest From Hannity: https://hannity.com/ Latest From American Action News: https://americanactionnews.com/ Latest From Reliable News: https://reliablenewsnow.com/ Latest From Newsmax: https://www.newsmax.com/ Latest From Expose: https://expose-news.com/ Latest From Billings Report: https://billingsreport.com/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://greatergood.com/clicktogive/ggc/home -<>- >From Archives BizarreNews: The zoo is an exciting place. It might not smell very nice, but where else can you mingle with and learn about such a wide diversity of species? Because if a zoo is anything it is educational. Or else why would we capture and lock up a bunch of dumb, innocent animals in an environment that's completely alien to them? It's so you don't have to spend $2,000 and take 2 weeks out of your life to fly to India just to see an elephant. But the animals know they're not supposed to be there and a lot of them are pissed off about it. Which is why you should avoid doing EXACTLY what this woman did at a zoo in Arizona. A woman who has only been identified by the name 'Leanne' was attacked by a jaguar when she got a little too close to the predator's cage. In case just looking at the inky black, 140 pound bundle of muscle and teeth wasn't enough, the cat's enclosure is separated from the public by a healthy safety margin and a waist-high fence. But none of this was a deterrent to Leanne who "crossed over the barrier" in order to get a selfie with the animal, according to a statement from the zoo. One of the female jaguars latched onto her arm, mangling it up pretty good before someone distracted the cat with a plastic water bottle, of all things. Leanne was transported to a local hospital where she was treated for non-life threatening injuries. "I was in the wrong for leaning over the barrier, but I do think that maybe the zoo should look into moving their fence back," Leanne was reported saying. "I'm not the first, and if they don't move the fence I'm probably not going to be the last," she added. There was no mention how the photo turned out. *--- Ohio Man Goes on Beer-Only Diet for Lent ---* An Ohio man is taking inspiration from the monks of yesteryear with his unusual Lent fast: Giving up all food and drinks except for beer. And you thought people hundreds of years ago were stupid. Del Hall, who works at the Fifty West brewery in Dayton, said he will not eat or drink anything except beer for all 46 days of Lent. Hall said he was inspired by monks from the 1600s, who would make a special bock beer for Lent. "Being master brewers, they decided they would take a popular style of beer in Germany, bock beer, make it extra hearty and that would be their liquid bread and that's what they call it," Hall told local news. Hall said he is altering the monks' tradition by including all types of beer in his fast. "I've done big challenges but this seems very daunting," Hall said. "So I'm just curious if I'm up to the challenge." Hall is documenting his beer fast on his YouTube channel, where he said he is already starting to see weight loss from the unusual diet. *--- Vermont Town Elects Goat Mayor ---* A Vermont town is hailing the election of its unusual new mayor: A 3-year-old Nubian goat named Lincoln. Town Manager Joe Gunther said he decided to hold an election for an animal mayor of Fair Haven, which does not have a human mayor, as a means of raising money to replace a school playground. Residents were given the chance to nominate their pets for the mayoral office in exchange for a $5 donation toward the playground cause. Lincoln bested the second-place finisher, a dog named Sammie, by only two votes. Gunther said Lincoln will be sworn into office at a Select Board meeting Tuesday. He said she will serve a one-year term with duties including marching in the Memorial Day parade. He said the election turned into an educational opportunity for the town's children. "Originally we did it as a fundraiser to replace the playground behind the school, but it really turned into a small civic lesson for the children. 'Come out and vote. Get involved in the town,'" Gunter told the Burlington Free Press. --- ...Now we know We were wondering how Biden and Fetterman got elected. ========================================================= _ ( \ __ _)_\_ ' \;---.-._S_____2_ / / /_/ (______ __( _;-' = =|____._'.__ / _/ _ @\ _(@( '--.\ (_ / /\ _ =( ) ___ \\ / /\ \_ '.___'-.___~. '\ snd / /\ \__'--') '-.__c` \ | | .' )___'--'/ /`) \ / | |'-| _|--'\_(_/ '.' | | \_ -\ \ | \ /`) '._/ (_/ >-->From CleanLaughs: On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her. When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time - you drive. I didn't know where I was going." -<>- In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!" -<>- Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room. Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self- restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single." -<>- My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story. We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?" My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor." -<>- 'puppy'" \ _ \ ____ \\ \ /\ O O \\ \ /\_\ () ' ' "MOOOM!" \\________.-~\\ ____/ (((( '/ / %%% \\/ ( oo ` / %%oo% /=====/) \O/ ' \ \__%%-/%__| | \\// \\ \ \ // \\ | | \/__|/ jro / / \) (/ | | //\\ / / /___\ | | (_)(_) \_;; ||| \_;; ||| \_)) I recently picked up a book called "The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid" which is roughly an autobiography of the author, Bill Bryson, but is more specifically a look at what life was like growing up in the midwest in the 1950s. Following is a hilarious excerpt... Most things that were supposed to be fun turned out not to be fun at all. Model making, for instance. Making models was reputed to be hugely enjoyable but it was really just a mysterious ordeal that you had to go through from time to time as part of the boyhood process. The model kits looked fun. The illustrations on the boxes portrayed beautifully detailed fighter planes belching red-and-yellow flames from their wing guns and engaged in lively dogfights. In the background there was always a stricken Messerschmitt spiraling to earth. You couldn't wait to re-create such lively scenes in three dimensions. But when you got the kit home and opened the box the contents turned out to be of a uniform leaden gray or olive green, consisting of perhaps sixty thousand tiny parts, some no larger than a proton, all attached in some organic, inseparable way to plastic stalks like swizzle sticks. The tubes of glue by contrast were the size of large pastry tubes. No matter how gently you depressed them they would blurp out a pint or so of a clear viscous goo whose one instinct was to attach itself to some foreign object--a human finger; the living room drapes, the fur of a passing animal-- and become an infinitely long string. Any attempt to break the string resulted in the creation of more strings. Within moments you would be attached to hundreds of sagging strands, all connected to something that had nothing to do with model airplanes or World War II. The only thing the glue wouldn't stick to, interestingly, was a piece of plastic model; then it just became a slippery lubricant that allowed any two pieces of model to glide endlessly over each other; never drying. The upshot was that after about forty minutes of intensive but troubled endeavor you and your immediate surroundings were covered in a glistening spider web of glue at the heart of which was a gray fuselage with one wing on upside down and a pilot accidentally but irremediable attached by his flying cap to the cockpit ceiling. Happily by this point you were so high on the glue that you didn't give a shoot about the pilot, the model, or anything else. -<>- A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'" ========================================================= >-->From JokeCentral: _)_ .-'(/ '-. / ` \ / - - \ (` a a `) \ ^ / '. '---' .' .-`'---'`-. / \ / / ' ' \ \ _/ /| |\ \_ `/|\` |+++++++|`/|\` /\ /\ | `-._.-` | \ / \ / |_ | | _| jgs | _| |_ | (ooO Ooo) Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy." "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?" -<>- __,-O< ,-- --. \. -=' -' \ __\\O- ,--- --. `^ / ). __,-O< \ __,-O< ,-- ----' `. `\) __)\O-__ )/ ,--( ,;:. _) / `^ _)\O< / (_ .:;:;. | | `^ :;';.;:' |_ |_ | ';\||' ______/=\\______/=\\_______| JML ap :| '-'-'-[=]/'-'-'-[=]/'-'-'-/'.=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:= -'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-/ '. | '-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-/ .-' .--.--. |/| -'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-/ _.-'.-: .; .;|;. ;. |/|/ ___ ___ |' _.'\ :|--|--|- .;_;' ';_;. --|--|--|/|/ |] [|_|_|] [|_|_|] | |\ | \:|--|--| ; ;' '; ; -|--|--|/ |] [|_|_|] [|_|_|] | | \|--' ;; .--.___.--. ;; _______________________| |.-' ;-[ O )=( O ]-; |/| ( `--' | `--' ) ____.-". |/|/ \| ( |/ ;( ,__.)/=' |/|/ . .:::::. . ; |/ \| |/|/ . '---' . \ | |/|/ |`. .'| ` `|/|/ ,-------/| `...' |\-------, |--|--|--|/|/ ,' | `. ,' | `, |--|--|--|/ / \ /'. ,'\ / \ ; |/ \ / \| ; ; ; / ' |. ' \ \; ; ; `-' | `-' MJP >The Wise Old Farmer... Needing a new truck, a farmer went to town to buy one he had seen advertised by a dealer in a local paper. He told the salesman which truck he was interested in and they sat down to do the necessary paperwork. When he was handed the bill, the farmer protested that it was not the price that had been advertised. But the salesman swept his concerns aside, explaining all the extras-- power steering, power brakes, special tires and much more. The farmer needed the truck so badly that he finally agreed to the price. A few months later, the truck salesman called the farmer and explained that his son was in 4-H and needed a cow for a project. The farmer said he had several cows he could sell at $500; the salesman and his son could have their pick. After looking over the herd, the two made their choice and the salesman began to write out a check for $500. But the farmer held him off, saying there were certain extras that figured into the final cost. With that, he presented the following bill: Basic Cow $500 Two-tone exterior $ 45 Extra stomach $ 75 Product storing equipment $ 60 Straw compartment $120 4 spigots@ $10 ea $ 40 Leather upholstery $125 Dual horns $ 45 Automatic fly swatter $ 38 Fertilizer attachment $185 GRAND TOTAL $1,233 -<>- We must open the doors of opportunity. But we must also equip our people to walk through those doors. - Lyndon B. Johnson -<>- A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?" Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German." The group became silent. -<>- ,-. _,. / / ; \____,-==-._ ) //_ `----' {+> ` `'--/ /-'`( / / dew `=' Early in my flying career, I had my first night flight. Looking down into the darkness, I asked my instructor what we would do if the engine failed. "Get the plane gliding in a controlled descent," he said, "then attempt to restart the engine and make a 'Mayday' call. The only difference between day and night flying is that the terrain below will not be clearly visible, so you should point the aircraft toward whatever looks like a clear area and it should be pointing into the wind." "Then what?" I asked. "Conserve your battery, so don't turn on your landing lights until you're close to the ground. If you like what you see, land." "Okay, but what if I don't like what I see?" My instructor gave me a compassionate look inside that dim cockpit, then said softly, "Turn off the landing lights." -<>- ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy >Why Do We Need Friends? We need friends for many reasons, all throughout the four seasons. We need friends to comfort us when we are sad, and to have fun with us when we are glad. We need friends to give us good advice. We need someone we can count on to treat us nice. We need friends because we are social in nature and having friends makes us feel secure. We need friends to remember us once we have passed sharing memories that will always last. That's why I need YOU! -<>- The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph." -<>- Sam and Morris were both fanatics about deep sea fishing. Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught. So Sam comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Morris, "You wouldn't believe, but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring." Morris says... A 500 pound herring? Well that's nothing, last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship . . . and da candle was still burning! " They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying. Finally, Morris said to Sam... "Look Sam, if you take 450 pounds from off your herring I'll blow out my candle!" -<>- _____ _ _____ ____ /_ /, | ,-, ) /'_`\ |_ _| | __| \ \> | `-'< | (_) | | | | _| ) )__ ,_ |_|`\_\ \___/ |_| |_| (_.-'_)__$ ;-'' pb >One-Liners: "My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside." -Roseanne "I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck "I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV." -Tracy Smith "I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow." -Margaret Smith "If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looks like." -Phyllis Diller "Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" -Lily Tomlin "Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you." -Fran Lebowitz "I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." -Elayne Boosler "Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison." -Tim Allen "I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week." -Joel Lindley "Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything." -Tim Allen "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." -George Carlin "Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it." -Daniel Lybra "I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller." -Henny Youngman "If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." -Jay Leno "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five." -Steven Wright "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved." -Johnny Carson "Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me." -Bobcat Goldthwait "When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." -Henny Youngman "I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." -Groucho Marx "A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows." - Monica Piper "I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." -Mike Binder "Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out." -Steven Wright "Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn't own a car." -Carrie Snow "I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast." -Drew Carey "Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I've stepped in it a few times." -Rita Rudner "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" -Vicki Bacon -<>- _,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,_ _,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,_ ,P" "Y, ,P" "Y, d' ,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, `b d' ,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, `b d' ,d" ,aaabaaaa8aaaaaaaaaa8aaaadaaa, "b, `b I I I I ,adba, I I Y, `Y, `aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' I I,P' ,P Y, `baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' ,P Y, `baaaaaaaaaI Id' ,P `b, ,d' `b, I I ,d' `baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' `baaaaaaaaaaaI Iaad' I I Normand I I I I _,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,_ _,aaaaaaaaaaaI Iaa,_ ,P" "Y, ,P" I I "Y, d' ,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, `b d' ,aaaaaaaaaI I, `b d' ,d" ,aaabaaaa8aaaaaaaaaa8aaaadaaa, I I"b, `b I I ,adba, I I `"YP"' I I Y, `Y,I I `aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' ,P' ,P Y, `bI Iaaaaaaaaad' ,P Y, `baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' ,P `b, I I ,d' `b, ,d' `baaI Iaaaaaaaaaaad' `baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' I I I I Veilleux I I _,aaI Iaaaaaaaaaaa,_ _,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,_ ,P" I I "Y, ,P" "Y, d' ,I Iaaaaaaaaa, `b d' ,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, `b d' ,d"I I ,aaabaaaa8aaaaaaaaaa8aaaadaaa, "b, `b I I `"YP"' I I I I Y, `Y, `aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' ,P' ,P Y, `baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' ,P Y, `baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' ,P `b, ,d' `b, ,d' `baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' `baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' >ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK? Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You can't take your time. Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK? Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are. Ready? . GO!!! FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. (You know you took too much time.) SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right? LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again. You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!! Pass this along to someone else who could stand a little fun and a challenge today. -<>- Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." -<>- .-"""-. _.---..-; :.) ;"" \/ __..--'\ ;-"""-. ;._ `-.___.^.___.'-.____J__/-._J bug Now What? even on this day we need a little levity to go with our prayers... Dear Sirs: I am writing to you for further instructions as to the next step in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists. I have my duck taped... now what? -<>- Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and Trump meet up in Iran for the first round of talks in a new peace process. Pres. Trump lets him know how he feels about Iran's attacks on America and Israel, that he must stop this or suffer dire consequences. He calls for peace between them. When Trump sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Iran's leader presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Trump in the face. Annoyed, Trump carries on talking as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Trump in the shin. Again Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, and again Trump carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Trump square in his (you know what),he's finally had enough. I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iran leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks in Washington!" A fortnight passes and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei notices three buttons on Pres.Trump's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and Trump presses the first button. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei ducks, but nothing happens. Pres. Trump snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei jumps up, but again nothing happens. Pres.Trump roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Pres. Trump falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. "I'm going back home to Iran!" Pres.Trump George says through tears of laughter, "What Home?" -<>- People will pay more to be entertained than educated. - Johnny [John William] Carson -<>- The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this 1 particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing." The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!" -<>- (\ (\_\_^__o ___ `-'/ `_/ '`--\______/ | ' / | mic ` . ' `-`/.------'\^-' >Excerpts from A Dog's Diary: Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Houses Of Power! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/housesofpower.html Humorous Boat Names! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/boatnames.html Dogs In Shopping Carts! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogcart.html Extraordinary Photos 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/extraordinary2.html 3D Chalk Art 8! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart8.html Wedding Fails! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/weddingfails.html Old Trains And Cars! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trainsandcars.html Nap Time! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/naptime.html Thoughts Into Action 8! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/action8.html Chainsaw Woodcarving 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woodcarving2.html Amazing Blind Artist! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/blindartist.html Tornado And Rainbow! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tornadoandrainbow.html A Salute To Texas! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/salutetexas.html Pan-Kun And James! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pan-kunandjames.html Celebrity Private Jets! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrityjets.html Humor With Golf! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/golfhumor.html Men Will Be Boys! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menboys.html Extreme Camping! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/camp.html Extreme Rednecks! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eredneck.html Luxury Golf Carts! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/golfcarts.html Amazing Athlete Homes! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/athletehomes.html Pay It Forward! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/payitforward.html Old Barns, Old People, Old Friends! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/barns.html SUMMER INDEX! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/summerindex.html -<>- How to Become a Christian - How to Get Born Again / How to Get Saved / Romans 10:9 & 10 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMzblR8YDQ0 Bible https://quod.lib.umich.edu/k/kjv/ -<>- Who Are the Richest People in Washington? Once a government town, DC is now home to extreme wealth. Who the billionaires are, how they live, and what it means for the rest of us. https://tinyurl.com/y22aa8pw Gone But Not Forgotten... Rita Hayworth Is Stayin' Alive http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mz3CPzdCDws The Oldest Man: The Doctor from The Carol Burnett Show https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-QqmJimv_U Doris Day - Que Sera Sera https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc Top 10 Elvis Presley Songs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzIMHk6Z2l8 ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty- six, she's darn near forty." --Chris Rock "My mother wanted me to go to church to meet women. That's wrong, ain't it? 'Praise the Lord! Hey, how ya doing? Nice dress. Look, I'm going to go over there and get some of this wine and crackers, want some?'" --Warren Hutcherson "We used to play spin the bottle a lot when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret "A company is trying to fund a new endeavor known as Uber for Kids. So parents will soon be teaching their kids that they shouldn't talk to strangers but they should get into a car with them." -Conan O'Brien "President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen." -Jimmy Fallon "The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don't think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you should talk to some of the members of the American team, like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, and Allen Liu. And their coach, Po-Shen Loh." -Seth Meyers "A new study found that people with a lot of phobias are more likely to have health problems. Or as those people put it, 'I was afraid of that.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive, so he had his 9-year-old daughter drive their van for him. Yeah. As he was being arrested, he told the girl, 'I'm going to need a lawyer. Go get your little brother.'" -Conan O'Brien "We are in the worst drought in 56 years. That seems unbelievably negative. Wouldn't that be the best drought?" -Jimmy Kimmel >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah, Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $35 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all web site list readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe **********************************************************************