Happy St.Patrick's Day... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our ShangyFunList: Group Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: bcrsystems@earthlink.net Shangrala Family Fun: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! ================ __ __ ,-' `' \ _---``-- / _ _ ; __ `. / / `' \; /`----- ) / .-/ ,( ), \-. ; | \( \ / )/; | - _5 `7 -; / ( ___-' `-____ | ( ___`-_ \ ____| \ / `,/ \ _(\__ / \ \ ; \ .' /' `i. / | | \ _-'( _\__-/ `- | | ` ,` `_ | BP * Don't forget to follow us on social media for our latest updates and uproarious funny and inspiring pages! On Facebook: https://tinyurl.com/y8dcm8x7 On X (Twitter): http://tinyurl.com/n5uf3dxv ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our too hot to handle new page is from our friend LouisAu. This one is just in time for St.Patrick's Day to give you plenty of SMILES and giggles for your day. Check this one out here... AMC Voyager 2 ______ 0 (_ __) .-""""-. 0 ) (___/ '. 0 ( ___ : _) (__ \ .' (______) '-....-' Funny T-Shirt Wisdom 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/teeshirts2.html --- ...HaHaHa! Thanks LouiseAu! I never heard this about Star Trek before! Funny! Our next over the top hot new page is from our friends Linda and LouiseAu. This photography is so stunning it left me mesmerized. With AI stepping in and faking many photos, it is refreshing to see a human pro capturing God's beauty so perfectly! Give this a few moments of your time and check it out here... . . :"-. .-"; |:`.`.__..__.'.';| || :-" "-; || :; :; / .==. .==. \ : _.--._ ; ; .--.' `--' `.--. : : __;` ':__ ; ; ' '-._:;_.-' ' : '. `--' .' ."-._ _.-". .' ""------"" `. /`- -'\ /`- -'\ :`- .' `. -'; ; / \ : : : ; ; ; ; : : ':_:.' '.;_;' :_ _; ; "-._ -" :`-. _.._ :_ () _; "--::__. `. \"- -"/`._ : .-"-. -"-. ""--..____.' / .__ __. \ : / , / "" \ . \ ; bug "-:___..--" "--..___;-" Amazing Animal Portraits! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animalportraits.html --- ...So sweet! Thanks Ladies! ======================================================== >-->From AJokeADay: ,==. \\// .-~~-. ,",-""-.". | | | | | | .-"| |. ". `,",-" ,'.". `| |_,-' | | | | | | hjw ". `-._,-' ." `-.___,-' An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real. The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock." -<>- "What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer. "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm .... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate." -<>- John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses." Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!" John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle." -<>- I had some words for my wife... She had some paragraphs for me! -<>- "I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day." "Oh, really?" "No, O'Reilly!" -<>- "We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh No! You have my husband!" -<>- __.------. (__ ___ ) .)e )\ / /_.------ _/_ _/ __.' / ' `-.__ / <.--' `\ / \ \c | / / ) GoT x \ | /\ |c / \.- \ \__/ ) /( ( \ <>'\ / _/ _\- `-. \/_|_ /<> / /--/,-\ _ \ <>.`. \/`--\_._) - / `-/\ `.\ / `. / ) `\ \ \ \___/----' | / `( ___________ \ ./\_ _ \ ______________ / | ) '| __________________ | / \ \ ___________a:f / | |____.) / \ a88a\___/88888a. \_ :)8888888888888888888a. /` `-----' `Y88888888888888888 \____| `88888888888P' A robber breaks into a house and ties up the woman and man. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go..." Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want..." Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, you must really love your wife..." Guy: "What? Oh no, my wife is about to get home!" -<>- Young Husband (in the early morning): "It must be time to get up." Wife: "Why do you say that?" Husband: "Baby's fallen asleep." -<>- They told me, "Follow your dreams..." So I went back to bed. -<>- _.-'`'-._ .-' _ '-. `-.__ `\_.-' | `-``\| jgs `-.....-A # # >Thoughts Of The Day * At Any Given Moment "At any given moment you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end." - Unknown * Dreaming Is the Beginning "Dreaming is the beginning of getting what you want." - Annette White * Lending You Money "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope _____ (((\\\\\ )_ \\\| / \\|\/ \\( ), & \) ( (( |` \\ ))) _ | \` __| ` | , \ ` , \ | \ ,\ , \ ' \/ \_ \/ \ `_,`-._ ` \ ejm / `-. _ \ ` / ,`. \ === / '== =`. | ==== / | === ` / /========= / | / , /______| / , ======== __-' | = === / ,======= ' - -- ( \ \ \ ` \ ` \ ` \_____ \ / ` _/ / '-- ' * The Seeds of Future Happiness "Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness." - Steve Maraboli ======================================================== +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ March 17 is Saint Patrick’s Day, Corned Beef and Cabbage Day, Submarine Day and Act Happy Day March 18 is Awkward Moments Day, Supreme Sacrifice Day, Tea for Two Tuesday and Forgive Mom and Dad Day March 19 is Let's Laugh Day, Poultry Day and National Chocolate Caramel Day March 20 is Earth Day (Vernal Equinox), Extraterrestrial Abductions Day, International Day of Happiness, World Storytelling Day, Snowman Burning Day, Bibliomania Day, Proposal Day, Spring (Vernal) Equinox and World Sparrow Day March 21 is Credit Card Reduction Day, Fragrance Day, World Poetry Day, National French Bread Day, International Day of Forests and National Flower Day March 22 is As Young As You Feel Day, World Water Day, National Sing Out Day and National Goof Off Day March 23 is Chip and Dip Day, Melba Toast Day, National Chia Day, National Puppy Day, Near Miss Day, World Meteorological Day, Cuddly Kitten Day and World Math Day ======================================================== >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: , , /////| ///// | ///// | |~~~| | | |===| |/| | B |/| | | I | | | | B | | | | L | / | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' >23RD PSALM FOR THE WORKPLACE The Lord is my real boss and I shall not want. He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me. He gently reminds me to pray before I speak and to do all things without murmuring and complaining. He reminds me that He is my Source and not my job. He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in everything I do. Even though I face absurd amounts of emails, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating supervisors, and an aging body that doesn't cooperate every morning, I will not stop--for He is with me! His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through. He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me. He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go. His faithfulness and love are better than any bonus check. His retirement plan beats every 401K there is. When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer and for that, I bless His Name. -<>- You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. -<>- _____________________ | | | .---------------. | | | | | | | . | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | _'---------------'_ | |(_)-Etch-A-Sketch-(_)| jgs '---------------------' >If every computer were replaced with an Etch-A-Sketch: 1. No boot-up problems 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. .---------------------------------. | | | .-----------------------. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | __ | | __ | |/ \'-----------------------'/ \| jgs |\__/E t c h - A - S k e t c h\__/| '---------------------------------' Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. .---------------------------------. | | | .-----------------------. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | _ | | | | | | | (_) | | | | | |___| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |__|______| | | | __ |__| (_)_____| __ | |/ \'-----------------------'/ \| jgs |\__/E t c h - A - S k e t c h\__/| '---------------------------------' Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. -<>- Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. -<>- The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It symbolizes authority and prestige. When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant. He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir." -<>- My friend plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week. She's going to call it Best By. -<>- Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. "The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them," said the pilot, trying to be friendly. Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on the plane last year." The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, "Any idea where we are?" The second hunter said, "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year." -<>- My twin brother called me from prison. He said: "You know how we finish each other's sentences?" -<>- ,___ || 1 `'--. ||__..--'` || || || || || __||_\\ \\\/// .'` || `"""----.....___---'` `- .-||-. () `""""` __ _.-----.._ 'jgs--' `\\\-----/// \\\ >TWELVE REASONS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING SPORTS EVENTS ~ Every time I went, they asked me for money. ~ The people with whom I had to sit by didn't seem very friendly. ~ The seats were too hard and not comfortable at all. ~ The coach never came to call on me. ~ The referee made a decision with which I could not agree. ~ I was sitting with some hypocrites -- they came only to see what others were wearing. ~ Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home. ~ The band played some numbers that I had never heard before. ~ The games are scheduled when I want to do other things. ~ My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up. ~ Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow. ~ I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best. -<>- I'm about 3 pounds from Google Maps listing me as a roundabout. ======================================================== _ _ _____ ____ ____ _ _ ( ) ( ) ( _ ) ( _ \ ( _ \ ( ) ( ) | |_| | | (_) | | |_) )| |_) ) \ \_/ / | _ | | _ | | ,__/ | __/ \ / | | | | | | | | | | | | | | (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) ____ _____ ____ _____ _____ ____ _ ___ _ _ _ ____ ( _ \(_ _) ( _ \ ( _ )(_ _)( _ \ ( ) / _ \ ( ) ( )( )( _ \ | (_(_) | | | |_) )| (_) | | | | (_) )| || ( (_)| |/ / |/ | (_(_) _\__ \ | | | __/ | _ | | | | / | || | _ | , < ' _\__ \ ( )__) | | | _ | | | | | | | | | |\ \ | || (_( )| |\ \ ( )__) | \_____) (_)(_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)(_) \___/ (_) (_) \_____) ____ _____ _ _ __ ( _ \ ( _ )( ) ( ) ( ) | | \ \ | (_) | \ \_/ / | / | | ) )| _ | \ / |/ | |_/ / | | | | | | _ (____/ (_) (_) (_) (_) *** *** ***....** **...*** **........** **.......** *** **..........*.........** *** **.....** **..................** **.....** **.........** **..............** **.........** *..............* *..........* *..............* **..............* *......* *..............** **..............** *....* **..............** *......................................* **..............**........**..............** **..............* *....*....*..............** *..............* *........* ...*..............* **.........** *............* ...**.........** **.....** **...............**....**.....** *** **...................**.....*** **...........*...........**....* **.........* *.........** *......*..*..* *......** **......* *........* ** * * ** *...* * unknown >-->Happy St.Patrick's Day! Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fare. _____________ ( ) | | ( ) %%%%%%% |____-----____| ( ) %%%% %%%% | \___/ | ( ) %%%% %%%% _______________________ ( ) %%% %% %%% \\ // ( ) %% %% (o)(o) %% \\__~~~_______~~~__// ( ) %% ____ %% / \ %% |\ |(0) (0)| /| ( ) % / __ \ %% / \ .. ) % |\ \| (. .) |/ /| ___ %% / / \ \ %% /\__/ %% \ ||| , ||| / [ ] % ( \ \ \/%% / % |||| \_______/=============| | %% \ \__ \/ %% __ %% ||||| --- ||||| \_/ % \ \/ /%% /__\ % ||||| ||||| ||||| %% \__ ' /\ %%// \> %% ||||||||||||||||| %% \ /\ \_%% %% ||||||||||||| %%% \_/ \__/%% %%% ||||||||| %%%% %%%% ||||| %%%% %%%% %%%%%%% Mike Jittlov Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: Because it was too far for them to crawl. Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Knock, knock! Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day! ________ .##@@&&&@@##. ,##@&::%&&%%::&@##. #@&:%%000000000%%:&@# #@&:%00' '00%:&@# #@&:%0' '0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# "" ' " " ' "" _oOoOoOo_ .-.-. (oOoOoOoOo) ( : ) )`"""""`( .-.`. .'.-. / \ (_ '.Y.' _) | # | ( .'|'. ) \ / '-' | '-' jgs `=========` Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! Q: What do you call a clumsy Irish dance? A: A jig mistake! Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter! Q: What does Ireland have more of than any other country? A: Irishmen! Cook l: What do you think of my Irish stew? Cook 2: It could use a pinch of Gaelic. Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patty O'furniture! Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: 'Top o' the moaning! Q: What's big and purple and lies next to Ireland? A: Grape Britain! ,-'~~~~-. .-~~~~`-. .' \ / `. ,-'` \ / `-. / , `\/ .' \ ( `\ || /~ ) ~. `\ || /` .~ `~~._____ `\ || /` ____.~~` ___!!!GOOD><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 o o 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ '88'=='88' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \__'8888'__________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@@::;%%&&00' / >< \ .###@@::;%%&&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | | ___LI)||(LI___ | | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ / `-----''-----` '.___________.' Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short. Q: Did you hear about the leprechaun who worked at the diner? A: He was a short-order cook! Q: Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of their height? A: Yeah, but only a little! Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? A: To keep from falling in the stew! Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries? A: Sure, they're great at shorthand! Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? A: He took a shortcut! Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue? A: Short ribs! Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with? A: Because they're very short-tempered! Q: What baseball position do leprechauns usually play? A: Shortstop! Q: What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation? A: A lot of small talk! Q: What did the leprechaun say to the elf? A: How's the weather up there? Knock, knock! Who's there? Warren. Warren who? Warren anything green today? _ _ (_(_) /(_) (-----. |= | _|=____|_ (_________) 8" "8 (8 6 6 8) 8 7 8 88-=###, _ jgs "888"`##,|#| `###' Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river? A: He gets wet, of course. Q: Why do they never iron a four-leaf clover. A: They don’t want to press their luck. Q: Where do leprechauns play baseball? A: Little League. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pat. Pat who? Pat your shoes on so we can go celebrate St. Patrick’s Day! .:. _oOoOo _oOoOoOo_ [_||||| (oOoOoOoOo) ||||| )`"""""`( ~~~~~ / \ | G O L D | \ / `=========` Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold. Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A: A Jolly Green Giant Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing green. Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone? A: A sham rock. Q: Why do revelers wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? A: Because real rocks are way too heavy. .-"""""-. \ / |.-----.| __|_______|___ HAPPY '--;-'```'-;--' ST. PATRICK'S / / 6_6 \ \ DAY ! ( ( _) ) ) / ( ( .__. ) ) ( `._`-'_.' ) /`'-._`"`_.-'`\ | /___```___\ | \ |___|L|___| / \/ `"` \/ /..,_______,..\ / /\ \ | ,-' `-, | \ `\ ,-'` / jgs __LI`--`\|`.__/ ( /\ LI\ `.___,-'` \ | '.__/ Q: Do leprechauns get upset when you make fun of their size? A: Yes ... but only a little. Q: What did the astronaut leprechaun use to travel to the moon? A: A shamrocket. Q: Why is St. Patrick’s Day a frogs' favorite holiday? A: They’re already wearing green. Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short. __...._ .-"` `\ / | | | \ | \ __...--'| \.-' |_..-, __\___...---'`_..-' (_______....--'\ / `\ (o \__ | | __) _ _ \ /`\ \ | (_Y_) _ '-.\_,| | T-._/ (_A_) _../`'T T-'` | | \__ _| .' | | | | \___ | /_\`\ / | | | | \ `/-`\ --| | \ | | | | /`----' |--' \ `\ \_; |`-.......-` .-.-'. \_LI ; / / /`-._ |`-\ \ jgs _/_/ / | \ \ ( ( ;.__ / \__,\__ `"`""` `""""` `.__._`; Q: How is a best friend like a 4-leaf clover? A: Because they are hard to find and lucky to have. ======================================================== >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) _, .--. ( / ( '-. jgs .-=-. ) -. / ( .' . \ \ ( ' ,_) ) \_/ (_ , /\ ,_/ '--\ `\--` _\ _\ `\ \ _\_\ `\\ \\ -.'.`\.'.- >SMILES To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog. If he is at the door and he is hot and thirsty, it's probably hot and sunny. If the dog is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. You expect cold weather. Sincerely, ,_ _, |\\___//| |=6 6=| \=._Y_.=/ ) ` ( , / \ (( | | )) /| | | |\_// jgs \| |._.| |/-` '"' '"' Snuggles the Cat ----------- A five year old boy sat in front of the television, intently watching a documentary about the Civil War. When the show ended, he asked his father, "Daddy, what's a slave?" "A slave is someone who works real hard, all day long, for other people," his dad replied, "without getting paid for it." "Oh, I know!" the boy replied with wisdom. "You mean like mommy." ------------ Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter: First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: Oh, I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me. ------------ I'm thinking about getting married. I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged." ------------ ,),-, (\ (>|);----,--`------ `-);' (/ pb Sara: My brother-in-law took my sister to France for their wedding anniversary. Alice: That's nice! Julie: Isn't it? The best I've ever done is get some roses! Sara: Well, my first husband told me on our first anniversary that I could have anything I wanted. Alice: Really? What did you want? Sara: A divorce. ------------ I was escorted to a wedding by my twenty-four-year-old bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. With that he brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done before." I whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?" His response: "No more old flames?" ------------ A friend of mine claims this happened to a friend of hers: She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. And you have one cheap wedding present! So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and said, "Lady, you can only do this so many times!" ------------ We took a friend to dinner at a restaurant that offered free refills of nonalcoholic drinks. Before the main course arrived, she kept the waitress scurrying for refills. When our friend asked for yet another, the waitress raised an eyebrow and asked, "What did you have for lunch--a sponge? ------------ _._ .' '. | / //\\\ \ | ( ( -\- ) ) | '-\_=_/-' // .-'\ /'-. (|/ / '-' \ / / | \__ __/_/\/ /| | |\ / \ / \ \ \ '-' `\/\ ; |/|\ | | | | | | | |_______| | | | \ | / jgs /=|=\ (_/T\_) Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!" ------------ A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. On the other hand, Port gives me gas." ------------ In the middle of his sermon, the visiting Minster stopped, and called one of the ushers. He pointed to a man in the 5th row. "That man is sound asleep, go and wake him." The usher shook his head and said, "Wake him yourself, you put him to sleep!" ------------ .===. / _/\ \ \/e.e\/ _ ( _ ) / \ _)---(_ \ | / `~` \ /`/ /\/ \/\ / / /| |\_/ \ \\_____/ \ \, L | \_| | | | _|_ | | | | jgs |__|__| (___|___) Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result, they seldom had guests. Johnny was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size." ------------ Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one." ------------ A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white." ------------ Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth. ------------ (@@@) (@@@@@) (@@) (@@@@@@@) (@@@@@@@) (@@@@@@@) (@@@@@) (@@@@@@@@@@@) (@@@) (@@@@@@@) (@@@@@@) (@@@) (@@@@@@) (@@@@@@) (@) (@@@) (@@@@) (@@) (@@) (@@@) .-. ] [ .-. _ .-----. ." """" """""" """"| .--` (:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:-| [___ .------------------------. |C&O : : : : : : [_9_] |'='|.----------------------.| /|.___________________________|___|'--.___.--.___.--.___.-'| / ||_.--.______.--.______.--._ |---\'--\-.-/==\-.-/==\-.-/-'/-- /__;^=(==)======(==)======(==)=^~^^^ ^^^^(-)^^^^(-)^^^^(-)^^^ jgs ~~~^~~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~^~~~ In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!" ------------ One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" cried my daughter a short time later. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp." ------------ A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River." ------------ Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?" --- ...LMAO! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- _..--""````""--.._ (_ _;..--""````""--.._ \ ```"""----"""```(_ _) '-. .-\ ```"""----"""``` / `\ /` '-. .-' '-.__.-' `\ /` || '-.__.-' || || || || || || jgs _..--||--.._ || (_ _) _..--||--.._ ```""""``` (_ _) ```""""``` >Ways To Turn A Man Down... HE. "Can I buy you a drink?" SHE. "Actually I'd rather have the money" HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours! SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!! HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!! HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share!!! HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!! HE: Your face must turn a few heads! SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!! HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out! SHE: Okay, get out!!! HE: I think I could make you very happy SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE:: Can I have your name? SHE:: Why? Don't you already have one? HE:: Shall we go see a movie? SHE:: I've already seen it. HE:: Where have you been all my life? SHE:: Hiding from you. HE:: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE:: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE:: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE:: Do not enter. HE:: Your body is like a temple. SHE:: Sorry, there are no services today. --- ...TeeHee! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- |\ \`-. _.._| \ |_,' __`. \ (.\ _/.| _ | ,' __ \ | ,' __/||\ | (Y8P ,/|||||/ | `-'_---- / /`-._.-'/ `-.__.-' jg >WAYS TO WARD OFF BURGLARS... The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations. Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious! Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"? Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again... Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are! To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck! --- ...HaHaHA! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================== >-->From HandyHints: .-.-. (_\|/_) ( /|\ ) __ jgs '-'-'`-.__.-' `- >DIY Living Wall: Transform Your Space with Greenery A living wall, also known as a vertical garden, is a beautiful and space-saving way to incorporate greenery into your home or outdoor space. Whether you want to improve air quality, grow herbs, or simply add a touch of nature, a living wall can be a great DIY project. .-. ( . ) .-.':'.-. ( =,!,= ) '-' | '-' \ jgs\\\\// Here's how you can create one in a few simple steps. Step 1: Choose the Right Location The first step in building a living wall is selecting the perfect location. Consider factors such as sunlight, temperature, and accessibility. If you're growing herbs or vegetables, a spot with at least six hours of sunlight per day is ideal. Indoor living walls should be placed near windows or under grow lights if natural light is limited. Step 2: Select the Structure You’ll need a sturdy frame to support your plants. There are several options: -Wooden Pallets: These are affordable and can be customized. -Wall Planters: Prefabricated wall pockets are easy to install and maintain -Trellises or Metal Grids: These work well for climbing plants and vines. DIY Frames: You can build a custom frame using waterproof materials and a backing board to prevent moisture damage. Step 3: Install a Waterproof Barrier To protect your wall from moisture damage, install a waterproof sheet or plastic barrier behind your frame. If placing the living wall indoors, ensure the barrier is secure to prevent leaks. Step 4: Choose the Right Plants Select plants based on your environment and maintenance preference. Some great options include: -For Indoor Walls: Ferns, pothos, spider plants, and peace lilies. -For Outdoor Walls: Succulents, ivy, ferns, and flowering plants. -For Edible Walls: Herbs like basil, mint, thyme, and leafy greens. , __ \/ __ /\^/`\ /o \{}/ o\ SPRING IS IN THE AIR! | \/ | \ () / | | | `> /\ <` ,,, \ \ / @@@@ (o/\/\o) {{{}} _ _ '\\//' @@()@@ _ ) ( ~Y~ @@@@ _{ ' }_ || @@@@ _(_)_ wWWWw .oOOo. @@()@@ { `.!.` } || ,/ (_)@(_) (___) OO()OO @@@@ _ ',_/Y\_,' || ,\ | /) (_)\ Y 'OOOO',,,(\|/ _(_)_ {_,_} |\ || |\\|// vVVVv`|/ @@@@ _ \/{{}}}\| (_)@(_) | | | || | |;,,,(___) | @@()@@ _(_)_| ~Y~ wWWWw(_)\ (\| /) | | || / / {{}}} Y \| @@@@ (_)#(_) \| (___) | \| // \ \||/ /\\|~Y~ \|/ | \ \/ /(_) |/ |/ Y / \|/ |// jgs `\\//`,.\|/|//.|/\\|/\\\|,\|/ //\|/\|.\\\| // \|\\ |/,// ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Visit Here for this full article: https://tinyurl.com/rwa5ep2f ======================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: President Donald J. Trump https://www.donaldjtrump.com/ White House Actions - 2025 https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/ Trump Accomplishments 2025 https://tinyurl.com/musd7m3x DOGE Latest News https://doge.gov/ DOGE Latest Savings https://doge.gov/savings From The Daily Acorn: Positive News https://www.thedailyacorn.com/ Latest From Lifezette: https://www.lifezette.com/ Tucker Carlson On Rumble https://rumble.com/c/TuckerCarlson Latest Eric Bolling: https://ericbolling.com/ Latest From Hannity: https://hannity.com/ Latest From American Action News: https://americanactionnews.com/ Latest From Reliable News: https://reliablenewsnow.com/ Latest From Newsmax: https://www.newsmax.com/ Latest From Expose: https://expose-news.com/ Latest From Billings Report: https://billingsreport.com/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://greatergood.com/clicktogive/ggc/home -<>- >From Archives BizarreNews: A team of football players was at the right place at the right time when they came across a woman dangling off the side of a Utah cliff by her hair. In a tug-of-war style, the Dixie State University athletes set up a rescue operation with ropes at the Sugarloaf in St. George after a man accompanying the woman asked for help. Video footage, captured by the team's coach Loni Fangupo, shows two men and one woman pulling the rescuee to safety, who soon called for water, while the players stood by waiting for some sign she was OK. The woman became trapped after her hair got entangled with her equipment while descending down the vertical cliff. The players said they were in the area gathering at the "Dixie Rock" as they do every year during their fall camp. "The gentleman she was with asked for some help and we jumped right to it, I think anybody would step up and do the same thing," head football coach Paul Peterson told the outlet. "We had plenty of muscle to be able to get her up pretty quickly." Peterson said the woman might have been dangling for about 45 minutes before being rescued. *--- Hamm's; the beer refreshing ---* A Washington state library's mystery section was found to contain a real-life enigma when removing a corner panel revealed a stash of beer and chewing gum from the 1980s. The Walla Walla Public Library said employees have been performing renovations at the facility during the COVID-19 shutdown, and they recently removed a corner panel from the shelf housing the mystery book section and found a disintegrated paper bag containing five unopened cans of Hamm's beer and an opened back of Godzilla Heads gum. Library officials said their research determined Godzilla Heads gum dates from the 1980s and the Hamm's beer cans don't include health warnings that were required from 1988 on, leading staff to believe the snack stash is more than 30 years old. "It looked like somebody had just stashed it there and maybe thought they could get it later ... but there was no way to get it out," library director Erin Wells said. The abandoned relics now reside in the Sudbury Landfill. *--- At least is wasn't a claw machine ---* Firefighters responded to a gun range in Florida to rescue a teenager who became trapped inside a large gun safe on the showroom floor. The Orlando Fire Department said the teen girl climbed into the safe Tuesday at Shooters World in Orlando and the door closed behind her, trapping her inside. Orlando Fire District Chief JJ White said the Tower 10 crew used hydraulic extraction tools to force the door open. "We tried the manufacturers' suggestions and unfortunately the fail-safe system failed on it," White told local news. The teenager was not injured during the rescue. "We were able to tell the minor what we were doing from the outside so they wouldn't be too concerned or scared, and had them back away as far away as possible from our entry point," White said. ========================================================= >-->From Cleanlaughs: _ |-| |~| |:| WINE AND CHEESE .'.'. / ::\ |_____| __ _ |:.:;.| <:__:> .-'o\ |_____| \ ::/ .o' O. o\ | ::| '..' |--o.--o--| | ;:| || |._._o_._.| \_____/ .''. '----' pjb Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion. When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating... "If I can't eat, I won't pay!" -<>- The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." -<>- In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision. ,--. _ ,-%*--;_) (___,/))) ((c a( (()) c/ ,- ( / \._> =._@ / ,/ ) |\| / -'--._,-_-|_|-. \ ____,._,/-._,-' &)===( .8! . :8! | |8! | |8! | |8\____| !^oooooo ) )) , || ( || . || ) || (\._\\ gpyy\(\_\\ Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress. As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, "HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!" -<>- Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and made only tow steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did you do that?" asked one of his friends. "My watch is 30 minutes slow." -<>- , __ _.-"` `'-. /||\'._ __{}_( |||| |'--.__\ | L.( ^_\^ \ .-' | _ | | | )\___/ | \-'`:._] jgs \__/; '-. Two policemen call the station on their radio. "This is Unit 12...we need to talk to the Sarge." "This is the shift supervisor, go ahead." "We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested her?" "No sir. The floor is still wet." -<>- _:_ '-.-' () __.'.__ .-:--:-. |_______| () \____/ \=====/ /\ {====} )___( (\=, //\\ )__( /_____\ __ |'-'-'| // .\ ( ) /____\ | | / \ |_____| (( \_ \ )__( | | | | \__/ |===| )) `\_) /____\ | | | | /____\ | | (/ \ | | | | | | | | | | | _.-'| | | | | | | |__| )___( )___( /____\ /____\ /_____\ (====) (=====) (=====) (======) (======) (=======) }===={ }====={ }====={ }======{ }======{ }======={ jgs(______)(_______)(_______)(________)(________)(_________) We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally." ========================================================= >-->From LaughAndLift: _|_ | _|_ //_/\ __| ||____ ////////////\ /////////////\\ |^^^^^^^^^^||+| | # # # |||| .... ....". ||||||||||||||||| unknown "I hear people say, 'Why do you want to go to church? They are all just hypocrites.' I never understood why going to church made you a hypocrite because nobody goes to church because they're perfect. If you've got it all together, you don't need to go. You can go jogging with all the other perfect people on Sunday morning. Every time you go to church, you're confessing again to yourself, to your family, to the people you pass on the way there, to the people who will greet you there, that you don't have it all together, and that you need their support. You need their direction. You need some accountability, you need some help." - Rich Mullins, the "Awesome God" guy The Lift The paradox of our time: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/paradoxofourtimes.html -<>- _____ _ _____ ____ /_ /, | ,-, ) /'_`\ |_ _| | __| \ \> | `-'< | (_) | | | | _| ) )__ ,_ |_|`\_\ \___/ |_| |_| (_.-'_)__$ ;-'' pb >Quick Jokes During a sharing time in the early part of a service, a visitor admitted a shortcoming. "I'm a spendthrift. I just cannot keep any money in my pocket. I give it away as if it grew on trees. Please pray for me." "We certainly will," said the pastor, "right after we take up the offering." ---------- Ahhhh, what is a home without children? PAID FOR!!! ---------- Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going. ---------- A new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off." "Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old." -------- Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years. -------- o \ o `. o o o o \ ` -. .-.-. .---. .-.,-.,-. ..-. / )| | `'____\' o _____\|| ` `' | |-._--.| |----.| | o |o ||-.| ||,-. || | o o | ||_|| |/ oo\ || | | || || C ._)o || | o o| || ||o|\`-/ || | ,. o | ||_|| ,'\,\ || | _\('') | ||o||/\ \ .: o|| | (; .) | || |( \_\||___|| | _,.(|___)-. | o||_|||`-`,\)----' | o o | | ||..|.| o _ |-. _.-. `.-.|._|_.-:|__|_|-.-' `-'.__ o o '--`-` o - SSt It was our cat's first winter. When a raging blizzard came up suddenly, we tried frantically to find Ginger, calling him repeatedly and poking into snowdrifts around the stoop where he liked to hide. Finally I called the police station to inquire if a "found" cat had been reported. The sergeant listened politely to my complaint, and assured me that cats had been known to live through terrible storms. "Ginger," I added on a hopeful note, "is exceptionally intelligent. In fact, he almost talks." "In that case, lady," replied the officer, "hang up. He's probably trying to call you now." -------- Have you heard about the new system for weight control? The one that's just crossed the Pacific from Asia? Reportedly, it works great, and is really easy, too. All you have to do is remember that, while you can eat anything you want, you always use just one chopstick. -<>- ,,,,, ////""\ . (((/ m m -|- __ )))c = ) | (__) ////-./~` . [] (((( `.`\ :: [] )))`\ \)).-;.' .------, [] (() `._.-'` _( )[] )/ `. | .'`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^))\`.----'`[] jgs ( \' { ~ - ~~ _ ~ - ~~ - ~ - (( | | [] .-.--\ \ { )) | | [] |_;_._`\ |{ ((__|_|-----[] | ; ``` ;{ )) [] | /``-.____/ `~~~[]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'-' [] `' (__) (__) >Some Prayers You Don't Want to Make Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist [did I spell that correctly?]. God, help me to finish everything I sta God, help me to keep my mind on one th - look, a bird - ing at a time. God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. But it would help if you put that in writing. -<>- _ mMm _[_]_ /(_)\ (_) //)^(\\//:\\ /(/&@&\)\|~|/ / /-~`~-\ ||| `/ \||| `-------'-'-- ()@()@()@()@()@()@()@()@()@() >WEDDING BELLS GO DING DONG Actual newspaper story: A Denver man says that when he saw his girlfriend toss a box of Hostess Ding Dongs into their grocery cart, he knew he'd met his match. "It was a sign," said Jammie Swearengin. "I thought, 'Hey! This is the girl for me.' I've eaten Ding Dongs since I was a kid. For me, they're like a food group." .-"-. /::. | /::. / ;-""-. / snack cake / '`) |/ | '-' / jgs '---' Three weeks later and Swearengin asked Courtney Downing to marry him. They decided to include their "matchmaker" in the festivities. At their recent wedding in Estes Park, Colo., the couple had a groom's cake made with 130 Ding Dongs. In addition, guests took home individually wrapped Ding Dong favors. -<>- _____ _.-'" "'-._ ,-".-. .-."-. ,' .-. .-. `, / / _\ / _\ \ .-. | | ( | | ( | | .-. .-----\ \ | '---' '---' | / /-----. :---- |--| ', ,' |--| ----: :---- '-`|--| ^"-.,_______,.-;^ |--|`-' ----: '---....' | _ `-' | '....---' | [ '-"-.-"-. | \ | .-. .-. | / `. | | | | | | ,' `._ [___]|__]|__] _,' `--.._____..--' / / \ \ jgs / / \ \ .---'"=="\ /"=="'---. ( | | ) '--------' '--------' >Bachelor's Guide to Knowing When Your Food is Expired FREEZER FOODS: ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out. FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. //////////////////////// ////////////////////////| //////////////////////// | ////////////////////////| | | _\/_ | _\/_ | | | )o(> | <)o( | | | _/ <\ | /> \_ | | | (_____) | (_____) | |_ | ~~~oOo~~~ | ~~~0oO~~~ |/__| _|====\_=====|=====_/====|_ || |_|\_________ O _________/|_||| ||//////////|_|\\\\\\\\\\|| || || || |\_\\ || || ||/|| \\_\\ ||/|| ||/|| \)_\) ||/|| || || \ o / || || || \ / || LGB || || ________ \________/====== / ( || ) \ IN THE FRIDGE: EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non- green, bon appetite! MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. _ _ (`-`;-"```"-;`-`) \.' './ / \ ; 0 0 ; /| = = |\ ; \ '._Y_.' / ; ; `-._ \|/ _.-' ; ; `"""` ; ; `""-. .-""` ; /; '--._ \ / _.-- ;\ : `. `/|| ||\` .' : '. '-._ _.-' .' jgs (((-'` `"""""` `'-))) GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Note: It is NOT recommended that you keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. ON THE SHELF: CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully. POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. .--. |/`-\ __ _( '\' _.-' | __(, .' _.-' \/ %; /\.' / ;%, \/ '.__.-' '#; | / ;%, \ || '` \ || | )) | || |__||_ | '.__) jgs '._) THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it. __ __ .' `'._.'` '. | .--; ;--. | | ( / \ ) | \ ;` /^\ `; / :` .'._.'. `; jgs '-`'.___.'`-' PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago. RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth. SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours. SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will. [=] | | }@{ / \ :___; |&&&| |&&&| |---| jgs '---' VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good. EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. -<>- ____ .-" _ "-. / _ \ /`| | `\ |\ /\o/ \_o/ |;\ __ _ .-"""-. \;;\ \ `-'/ ;-._.-' , |;;;\ '--. |_ \ \ _.--'| |;;;;| | '. \ \ `-._/ /===;/..-"-. \ '. /`._ __ ___/___(( _ \ \ Y ``-\_/==;===='"`/``---' \ \ \\ \ /` \___/ |\ \ /` | | \ ; / / | | jgs / \ | | .' \_/ | >Some Dog Quotes: "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown "If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket, then give Fido only two of them." "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein _ _..._ \':, `._..-""` ) \\ ___/9 \ |/ P 9 | \ | '--. _/ (`'---'_) ()`---'` \ | ', | `'. , ; '-._ /( \ _ `'. | \ | , .' '. \ `\ | | ; / \ \ \ | | |. | | / | | | | `-.\ |"` / .-;.| | _..;._ /-..-' (( .-;. | (( _..`> / `(( _/ '-(( ` .__) jgs `"""` `"--'` "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck -<>- __,__ .--. .-" "-. .--. / .. \/ .-. .-. \/ .. \ | | '| / Y \ |' | | | \ \ \ 0 | 0 / / / | \ '- ,\.-"`` ``"-./, -' / `'-' /_ ^ ^ _\ '-'` .--'| \._ _ _./ |'--. /` \ \.-. / / `\ / '._/ |-' _.' \ / ; /--~' | \ / .'\|.-\--. \ \ / .'-. /.-.;\ |\|'~'-.|\ \ \ `-./`|_\_/ ` `\'. \ '. ; ___) '.`; / '-.,_ ; ___) \/ / \ ``'------'\ \ ` / '. \ '. | ;/_ jgs ___> '. \_ _ _/ , '--. .' '. .-~~~~~-. / |--'`~~-. \ // / .---'/ .-~~-._/ / / /---..__.' / ((_(_/ / / (_(_(_(---.__ .' | | _ `~~` | | \'. \ '....' | '.,___.' >Company Policy Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. __,__ .--. .-" "-. .--. / .. \/ .-. .-. \/ .. \ | | '| / Y \ |' | | | \ \ \ 0 | 0 / / / | \ '- ,\.-"`` ``"-./, -' / `'-' /_ ^ ^ _\ '-'` .--'| \._ _./ |'--. /` \ \ `~` / / `\ / '._ '---' _.' \ / '~---~' | \ / _. \ \ / .'-./`/ .'~'-.|\ \ / / `\: / `\'. \ / | ; | '.`; / \ \ ; \ \/ / '. \ ; \ \ ` / '._'. \ '. | ;/_ jgs /__> '. \_ _ _/ , '--. .' '. .-~~~~~-. / |--'`~~-. \ // / .---'/ .-~~-._/ / / /---..__.' / ((_(_/ / / (_(_(_(---.__ .' | | _ `~~` | | \'. \ '....' | '.,___.' After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys that have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? ##, ,## '##, ,##' '## ##' ## __, ## ## __.-' \ ## ## ___.-'__.--'\ | ##, ## .-' .-, ( | | _ '## ##/ / /""=\ \ | | / \ ##, '#| |_\ / / | | / \ '## / `-` a a '-'`\ | | | | \ ,## \_, (__) ,_/ / / | \ \ ##' / / \ \\ / / | |\ \ ## __ | /`.__.-'-._)|/ / | | \ \##`__) \ ^ / / | | | v## '--. '._ '-'_.' / _.----. | | l ,## (_,' '##'-, ` `"""/ `'/| | / ,##--, ) '#/` ` ' |' ##' `" | /\_/#' jgs | __. .-,_.;###` _|___/_..---'''` _/ (###' .-'` ____,...---""``` `._ ( --'' __,.,---. ',_) `.,___,..---'`` / / \ '._ | | ( ( `. '-._) | / \ \ \'-._) | | \ \ `"` | | \ \ | | .-, ) | | | ( ( / / | | \ '---' / / \ `-----` | , / |(_/\-, \ ,_`) `-._) Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company (or church or government) policy begins... 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Read all about Laugh & Lift at http://www.laughandlift.com ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Breathtaking Photos! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/breathtaking.html St.Patrick's Day Animations http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html Maxine On St.Patrick's Day http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxineonpatday.html Rainbow Eucalyptus Tree! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rainbowtree.html Humor In Religion 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion3.html Deer Rescue! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/deerrescue.html Suyria And Rosco! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/orang2.html Walk With Jesus! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/walk.html Tech Horror Stories! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tech.html Wyoming Cowgirl! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/cowgirl.html Chalk Art 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart3.html Junkyard Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/junkart.html Mystery Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mart.html Desert Skiing! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/desertskiing.html Houses For Hermits! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/house.html Look Who's Talking 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/talking3.html Life's Little Oops 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops3.html Home, James! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/homejames.html Peek-A-Boo Panda! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/panda.html Truth In Advertising! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ads.html Arrows Across America! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/arrows.html Marilyn Monroe! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mmonroe.html Celebrities: Who Wore it Better? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/celebrities3.html Rescued Squirrel! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rsquirrel.html Humor in Religion 6! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion6.html World's Largest Holes! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/holes.html Only ONE Job 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/onejob2.html Bear Rescue 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bearrescue2.html My How You've Grown! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/grown.html Nostalgic Golden Moments! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/goldenoldie.html St.Pat/Spring Index! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/springindex.html -<>- How to Become a Christian - How to Get Born Again / How to Get Saved / Romans 10:9 & 10 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMzblR8YDQ0 Bible https://quod.lib.umich.edu/k/kjv/ -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseAu :) WOW what a ride This was Video taped in RIO DE JANIERO, What a wild ride, these guys are crazy. YOU HAVE NEVER DONE OR SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.... Hold on to your hat & hang on!!!! Don't try this at home!!!!!! http://tinyurl.com/d56fyk7 --- ...TeeHee! Good one! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Today is "World Water Day." Now we're looking forward to "Don't Pee in the Pool Month," which is in April." -Jimmy Kimmel "What a beautiful day... isn't it lovely today in New York City? It's so nice, earlier today I saw a rat going into Central Park carrying a yoga mat." -Dave Letterman "Adidas has announced they're coming out with a "smart" shoe. It costs $250. You know, it's bad enough we can't afford to drive anywhere, now we can't walk anywhere." -Jay Leno "My wife recently put me on a diet. It is an interesting diet of her own devising that essentially allows me to eat anything I want so long as it contains no fat, cholesterol, sodium, or calories and isn't tasty. In order to keep me from starving altogether, she went to the grocery store and bought everything that had "bran" in its title. I am not sure, but I believe I had bran cutlets for dinner last night. I am very depressed." -Bill Bryson, I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF "A new study has found that 70 minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. Said teen- age students, 'What? That's, like, two hours!'" -Seth Meyers "A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien "Turbulence: This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water buffalo organs off the windshield." -Dave Barry >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah, Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $35 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all web site list readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe **********************************************************************